And welcome to a recap of Simon's video application to college. A lot of people in the forums wondered what the California School of the Arts admissions staff thought when they saw Simon's video, and I'm happy to say that I was actually in the room with them while they watched it and recorded their comments, which I shall reveal for you here in a TWoP exclusive.
We begin with a quotation from the Bible (which part, I don't know, as my station's logo covered that corner of the screen), accompanied by what I believe is a Bach piece. I think it's been redone a bit, since Bach didn't, to my knowledge, write songs for Casio keyboards. The quotation fades into a picture of Simon holding a video camera that I'm almost sure was taken during one of those behind the scenes of 7th Heaven shows.
Admissions Guy 1: Who's this clown?
Admissions Guy 2: Shh! I'm trying to admire the post-modernist statement he's making by pointing a camera at us.
Then we get an exterior shot of the CamPound, because no episode of this show will ever be complete without it. There's some sound effects -- a dog that isn't Happy barking, and some children that aren't the twins laughing. We enter the CamPound, and Simon begins his episode-long narration by explaining that his dad is a "Protestant" minister who moved to Glenoak on his first big assignment shortly after marrying Annie. The CamKids have lived in the CamPound for pretty much their whole lives, Simon says, but sometimes it bothers him that the CamPound isn't actually theirs -- it belongs to the church.
Admissions Guy 1: Did he just bitch about how his family doesn't actually own the humongous mansion they've been able to live in, rent-free, for years?
Admissions Guy 2: What an ass.
Simon says he wants to be rich someday, which should happen, as he's known as the Bank of Simon, and then he can buy the house and keep it in the family. I'll bet the minister who would have gotten that place, but now has to settle for living in Lou's basement, will really appreciate that. Simon tells the long version of how he got Happy. We then see a picture of Ruthie in all her six-year-old, curly-haired, gap-toothed glory.
Admissions Guy 2: How does he have a Hispanic sister?
Admissions Guy 1: Adoption.
Simon informs us that he and Ruthie shared a room "for a long time," in a tone that suggests that he wouldn't mind going back to that sleeping arrangement. I know, don't try to think too hard about that one. There's a picture of Simon with that awful bowl-cut he sported for three seasons. He says that he's closest to Ruthie because he's been through a lot with her. This is represented by a picture of the two suffering from what appears to be the Ebola virus, but is probably just what happens when you ask the worst make-up team in the world to create chicken pox. Simon says that Ruthie is saner than his other sisters. He tells us about Lucy, who's married to Kevin (picture of the two on their wedding day) who's a cop (picture of Kevin in uniform).
Admissions Guy 1: What's up with that guy? He kind of looks like a robot.
Admissions Guy 2: I'm glad Simon put up a picture of Kevin in his police uniform, otherwise I wouldn't have known what he meant when he said Kevin was a cop. Because I'm totally stupid.
Also, Lucy wants to be a minister. Mary apparently wants to be Annie, since she's pregnant with a child at the age of twenty-two. Mary's married too, although she didn't tell anyone about it for a while. Now we meet Matt, who's twenty-four and in his second year of medical school along with his wife, Plot Contrivance. Matt and Sarah wear scrubs in all their pictures so you know that they're totally going to be doctors. Simon says that he knows that his family has married young, but it's "either get married and have sex, or don't get married and don't have sex" as a bunch of pictures of the CamKids making out with various girl and boyfriends fly by.
Admissions Guy 1: Wait, what?
Admissions Guy 2: I'm not sure which thing I should be questioning first: the fact that this kid has pictures of his siblings and himself making out with people, or the fact that everyone in his family got married only to have sex, or how sex before marriage has been ruled out as an option without any explanation.
Admissions Guy 1: I have a feeling that we don't want to know the answers to any of those questions.
Simon says that Ruthie better not be "wrestling" with anyone, especially not Peter. And then Simon briefly tells us that he has two twin brothers who are four. At this point, a picture of the twins wiggles around while stretchy sound effects play. Simon recaps the entire family for us, since exposition is awesome.
Admissions Guy 1: Why is he telling us who his family members are when he just spent the last five minutes telling us that in the first place?
Admissions Guy 2: That was only five minutes? Crap.
A picture of Annie after she gave birth to the twins reveals that her hair looks better after being in labor than it does regularly. Simon says that he and his siblings were "surprised" when their parents decided to have more children. Although wasn't that an accident that happened even though Annie was on birth control? Then Simon says that they shouldn't have been surprised, since his "mom and dad have always been hot for each other."
Admissions Guy 1: Oh -- oh dear.
Admissions Guy 2: He shouldn't know that.
Admissions Guy 1: We shouldn't know that.
We get Simon's admission of his parents' horniness, along with a smattering of images of the CamRents kissing closed-mouthed. Annie has her eyes open in every picture. How romantic!
And now we see a live-action Simon sitting in front of the camera, on a dark set with what appears to be a chain-link fence in the background. He says that his parents and their precious, precious love have set an example that everyone else wants to follow. "It's like being in seventh heaven," Simon says, "permanently." I know how he feels.
The opening credits have gone Growing Pains on us, with pictures of the family through the years that flash out of sync with the beats in the music. Too bad there's no a-cappella version of the theme song to complete the transformation. I'll admit, it was pretty nice to see the Original Gangsta Camdens (and those stupid twins, but whatever), and only the Original Gangsta Camdens, in the credits.
Admissions Guy 1: Why did he put opening credits in his video?
Admissions Guy 2: Ugh, check out that lady's poodle-do.
William Shakespeare would like you to know that love isn't easy. Simon says that no one has tried harder to have a relationship like the CamRents than Lucy.
Admissions Guy 1: And with a face like that, she must have had to try harder than anyone else.
Simon tells us about Lucy's first "true love," Jimmy Moon. We see that the Camdens have a framed picture of Jimmy and Lucy standing in front of their lockers somewhere in the house. Simon says he never liked Jimmy, and was glad when Jimmy dumped Lucy when she, on Simon's recommendation, dyed her hair blonde. Then we find out that, without Lucy in his life, Jimmy ended up getting "busted for pot" and becoming a "high school narc." The Camdens have a framed picture of Jimmy getting arrested in their living room. That's normal. The last time Simon saw him, Jimmy was a defendant in court and in desperate need of a moderate eating and exercise program.
Admissions Guy 2: That Jimmy kid seems a lot cooler than Simon. I wish we were watching his video essay. [Note from Sara M: Please keep in mind that the Admissions Guys have never seen Jimmy in live-action, and thus have no idea that such a person does not actually exist.]
Simon tells us about how Lucy juggled Jimmy and Rod for awhile, which is accompanied by whirring sound effects and a picture of Lucy in the middle of a picture of Rod and a picture of Jimmy. After those two, Lucy bounced around (which we get to see represented in a picture of her that bounces around the screen while "bounce" sound effects play. I can't believe we're only seven minutes into the show and I'm already homicidal) with a bunch of guys, including one loser who she teamed up with against Mary and her boyfriend in a make-out contest. And don't forget Mike Pierce, who "tried to commit suicide, re-considered the selfishness of it all, and put his heart into living again. A winner." I thought he was being sarcastic, but no. I like how, this early into the show, we're getting PSAs about not committing suicide. It's as if the writers know that their show drives people to self-destruction. Anyway, Mike and Lucy had no chemistry, so he was out. Then Jeremy came along, and Lucy "asked him to marry her. He said yes." Then Lucy dumped him because his parents, who were "pothead musicians" (because those are one and the same), didn't like her. She finally found love with Kevin.
Admissions Guy 1: Hey, is that Jazz Legend Bobby Short?
Admissions Guy 2: Huh?
Admissions Guy 1: Never mind. I don't know what just came over me.
And now it's Mary's turn to have her private life eviscerated for all to see. Her first kiss was with her brother's friend, which is kind of skeevy, though not as skeevy as the fact that Mary wanted her first kiss to be with Matt, so I'll look the other way. Then she met Wilson, who "didn't deserve" an on-again, off-again relationship because he had a kid or something. I'm not sure if they were saying that Wilson was too good for Mary or vice-versa, but either way, it's pretty damn rude. Then came Robbie. They've got a picture of him too. He's standing there with his mouth hanging open, looking stupid and adorable…awww, I miss Robbie. Anyway, he and Mary were together, then he moved into the CamPound when Mary "moved" to Buffalo. And then he moved to Florida "to be a brother to his real brothers, and a son to his real mother." And coke addict who needed rehab. Allegedly! Don't sue me, Adam LaVorgna! Then Mary got with Ben, who is Kevin's brother, and this confused everyone. She dumped Ben and got with that old guy, which was gross, but also kind of awesome. Then Mary married Carlos and now they're pregnant, and they got pregnant after they got married, not before, which is the church rumor.
Admissions Guy 1: Okay, but…I don't really care about Simon's sisters or the rumors in his church. Why isn't this kid just telling us about all the clubs he was president of when he was in high school like everyone else?
Admissions Guy 2: Zzzz.
And now let's talk about how Mary and Lucy have a tendency to date the same guys. We'll start with Jordan, the thirty-five-year-old Sears catalogue model. Simon says he'll skip over their fight with the French guy, which is good because he never dated either of them, so it shouldn't count. That leads us to Robbie, who Lucy made out with because, as Simon says both braggingly and knowingly, she is "the queen of making out." In fact, she made out with all three of the Palmer brothers!
Admissions Guy 2: Ohmigod, is that Lance Bass?
Admissions Guy 1: Excuse me?
Admissions Guy 2: Uh…nothing. Hey, that Lucy sure is easy! I wonder if she'd do me.
Admissions Guy 1: You'd hate yourself in the morning.
Simon hopes that Florida will be better to Robbie than Glenoak, and a picture of Robbie floats away.
And now we get to hear about Matt. Simon says he knows more about his sister's relationships than Matt's, but he was able to find some pictures of some of Matt's women. Like Heather, who Simon thought Matt would marry, or his professor, who he thought liked him but totally didn't.
Admissions Guy 1: I want to know who took a picture of Matt trying to lay one on his teacher while she cringed in horror.
Admissions Guy 2: I think the question with this family is, "Who didn't?"
There was also a girl Matt met when he was a mall Santa Claus, and then there was Cheryl, who was "interesting," which is probably another word for "whore." Cheryl and Robbie were together until Cheryl said she was pregnant to get Robbie to marry her. Simon can't believe that Matt never had sex with Cheryl, because she's hot. And that brings us to Plot Contrivance, who's totally Jewish. There's a picture of Matt and PC the morning after they got married, wearing their post-coital bathrobes. One must wonder how Simon got a hold of that picture, or, if one has seen the episode, how it was even taken, and by whom.
Simon wonders if any of his siblings' spouses will ever measure up to the CamRent standard. Kevin is a total weirdo loser who has "family money," but lives above the garage. And Carlos and Mary don't know each other very well. Simon does not mention that Matt knew Sarah not at all before he married her, because the point here is that Mary is a flighty stupidhead and Matt is awesome.
And how does Ruthie feel about all this? Something quasi-wise about enjoying journeys. She may have already found the man for her. Who could this man be? That's right, it's Peter. Simon says that Ruthie made a "good choice" in him, and he's "a winner, first time out of the gate."
Admissions Guy 1: Just like Seabiscuit!
Admissions Guy 2: Even Seabiscuit was less sentimental and boring than this.
Of course, Simon's had his share of the ladies. And someone took pictures of him making out with all of them. Now he's got Asslee, who he's in love with, even if he's not ready to be in love. He wants to do stuff before he gets married. He wants to know who he is. Allow me to tell him: he's an arrogant, self-important pervert. Now Simon can move on to more important issues. Like getting a haircut.
Immediately following this was a commercial for Zoloft, which was perfect.
"I don't know if I've ever had a normal friend," Simon says to begin the segment.
Admissions Guy 1: Noooo! I'm shocked, I tell you! Shocked!
Admissions Guy 2: I'm just shocked that he's had any friends at all -- normal or not.
In fact, none of the CamKids has ever had a normal friend because everyone they've let into their house has had something wrong with them, as says judgmental bitch Ruthie. Now we get a stick-figure drawing with bad hair holding medical supplies with ambulance sound effects to represent either Matt or one of the men in white coats who took him away to "medical school." And then there's "Matt's List" of friends. Like "crazy senior citizen" Mrs. Bink; "pregnant teen" Renee, who Matt helped through labor, thus possibly starting his interest in gynecology; and "angel" Steve, a boy with a terminal illness. And then there's "Mother of a Thief" Emma Houten, whose son stole Annie's wedding rings.
Admissions Guy 1: And I'll bet she's absolutely thrilled to see that she'll be forever classified as the "mother of a thief."
Admissions Guy 2: Hey, better that than "crazy senior citizen."
"Guy headed for AA" wouldn't dump out his beer at Matt's party. Unless he was somehow holding ten beers and refused to dump them, I don't see how this makes him a future alcoholic. A "sensationalist" wrote a story about Matt in the school paper. "People-pleaser" Kevin got too drunk at a frat party and almost died. Shouldn't he be the guy headed for AA? "Cheater" was going to marry Heather until Matt found out that he was cheating on her and tattled on him. I saw that episode, and I think it's a bit of stretch to call "Cheater" one of Matt's friends. More of a stretch than the others, anyway. "Another pregnant teen" stole Matt's car. "Spoiled brat" cheated off of Matt's test and almost got him kicked out of school. And he was the son of richest guy in Glenoak, who apparently lives in a cheesy faux-Tudor house that's smaller than the CamPound. Cheryl is a "victim" because her mother's boyfriend called her stupid. And lastly, "pregnant woman" (not to be confused with "pregnant teen" or "another pregnant teen") would have died if Matt hadn't helped her. And that's it. Nothing about John, who Matt lived with for about a season, or Shana, or even Dwight? Dwight I should have expected, but John and Shana were in the opening credits and deserve a mention, at least.
Mary gets a stick-figure drawing of a girl playing basketball, along with basketball sound effects. Even though Mary "has often needed help herself," she still had friends. What a wonderful world we live in, where even people who "need help" can have friends. And of course, the statement that Mary has ever needed any help more than fashion advice is ridiculous. Mary's friends include "victim" Denise, who got teased by classmates while Mary stood around and watched. "Drug abuser" Diane took legal drugs and had a hilarious heart attack. Then Mary befriended a "child molester," who was actually a basketball coach who wanted to get with her. Not exactly a winning personality trait on his part, but not exactly a "child molester," either. Mary helped "teen mother" Corey get her sports award back. "Angel" Molly is retarded.
Admissions Guy 1: They're calling her an "angel" just because she has Down's Syndrome?
Admissions Guy 2: I was okay with the dying kid being an angel, but this is kind of weird.
"Victim" Lisa was apparently abused by her mother's boyfriend, but she gets no picture or further explanation. "Boozers" Jill and Barb wanted Lucy to go out drinking with them, but then Mary ruined their good time.
Admissions Guy 1: Jill and Barb sound more like Lucy's friends than Mary's.
Admissions Guy 2: I can't believe you're even questioning the logic at this point.
"The Devil's advocates" are Frankie and Johnny, of course, whose married life included "a lot of pot" and thus sounds totally awesome. Simon also claims that they "got Mary to drink and drive," as if Mary wouldn't have done it without their intervention, which, unless they pulled on her what Martin Landau did to Cary Grant in North by Northwest, is a lie.
And now I'd like to officially state that there will be no more links to past episodes in this recap. Digging through all the 7th Heaven recaps to find links is extremely time-consuming, not to mention that reading through all those episodes of 7th Heaven, with all those terrible plotlines, all the awful guest stars, and all the preachy lessons they were trying to teach me, was just painful.
Lucy is represented by a stick figure on the phone. Wow, that sucks. Matt got his career, Mary got her basketball talent, and the best Simon could do with Lucy was that she talks a lot? ["That's really Lucy's fault, I'd say. As so many things are." -- Sars] Lucy has the "longest" list of friends, starting with "recluse" Richard Moll in a role I'd much rather see Marsha Warfield in. "Victim" Suzanne's dad wouldn't pay child support. "Victim" Shelby was embarrassed about the fairly decent Cape-style house she lived in. And "victim" number three was verbally abused by her mother.
Admissions Guy 1: How are any of these people even "victims"?
Admissions Guy 2: Maybe they drowned afterwards.
Admissions Guy 1: Drowned in self-pity, maybe.
Lucy helped "ex-boyfriend" Rod face his father after his mother died. "Cutter" Nicole is Chloe from Smallville, and she had a "self-abuse problem." "Victim" Ashley had a mom who was a friend instead of a mother.
Admissions Guy 2: I'm starting to think that just being near this family is enough to make you a "victim."
Admissions Guy 1: So I'm a victim?
Admissions Guy 2: Only if I get to be an "angel."
Admissions Guy 1: How are you an "angel"?
Admissions Guy 2: Well, I do have ADD. I'm pretty sure that's enough.
"Ex-boyfriend stealer" Helena had acne, and dated Mike Pierce. "Con artist" Ray tried to sue the CamFam, but we never found out what happened with that, and we don't this time either. Paul was retarded; thus, he's an "angel." And lastly, there was "ex-hooker" Christine.
Admissions Guy 1: Is that Tara Lipinski?
Admissions Guy 2: Actually, I think it's Mr. Ed's great-granddaughter.
Ruthie rides a horse in her stick-figure picture. Her list starts off with "chimpanzee" Eisenhower, who, as we see a picture of Eisenhower standing over Ruthie's bed while she lies in it giving him a come-hither stare, "needed a mate."
Admissions Guy 1: …and Ruthie was only too happy to oblige!
No list would be complete without a "victim," and Ruthie's is Ben, whose parents lost their money in Y2K. That's right -- he's a "victim" because he's poor. "Plagiarist" Chrissy stole Ruthie's idea for a story about her loser Aunt Julie. "Teacher" Ms. Riddle's anger issues made her call Ruthie "stupid."
Admissions Guy 2: Anger issues? Or reality issues? As in, being the only person near this family who has any grasp on it.
"Victim" Julia was poor, of course. "New kid at school" Yasmin was a "moderate Muslim" who everyone hated. Also, as many people in the forums have pointed out, Yasmin was a pretty conservative Muslim, so Brenda Hampton was probably insinuating that the conservative Muslims are the ones who fly planes into buildings. One step forward, five steps backward for Brenda Hampton's attempt to improve people's understanding of other religions. "Jockey" Caitlin "faces the challenge of living with cystic fibrosis."
Admissions Guy 1: Shouldn't that make her an "angel"?
Admissions Guy 2: Maybe she thought about smoking pot once.
Simon's stick figure graphic reads "Simon (me)." You know, in case you forgot who Simon was. Because you're retarded. I mean, "an angel." Stick-figure Simon stands in front of a stick-figure camera while movie set sound effects play. "Future leader" Nigel deserves better than being a name on a list, considering that he was Simon's friend for a few seasons. Simon just refers to him as someone he defended after he was called a racial slur. "Bully" Mark ripped his pants, and Simon gave him his jacket to cover up. Stan apparently has no outstanding personality traits other than that he's a "brother of a gang member." "Son of a moron's" dad said that the Holocaust never happened. "Neglected child" Sarah was brought home like a stray puppy (they even give us barking sound effects) after her alcoholic dad left her on the street. "Users" Marie and Joan invited Simon to their party so he would bring Lucy. Simon's friends in the AV club were paint "huffers." Lee was the "son of a pothead." Bobby is a "victim" of Tourette's syndrome. I'll bet he would love to know that he is being described as a "victim" and "not a normal friend" because of that, too. I hate this goddamn show. "Armed and disturbed" Nick carried a gun to school. Johnny was a "criminal" who shot RevCam. We see a picture of Johnny standing in front of RevCam with a gun behind his back. It shakes as a gunshot sound effect plays. Way to corny up your dad almost getting killed, there, Simon.
Admissions Guy 1: Did someone just take a picture of a kid about to shoot the Reverend and leave without trying to stop him?
Admissions Guy 2: Well, wouldn't you?
"Invisible" Luke was Simon's coolest friend ever, but no one believed he existed. "Helpless" Sascha needed Simon to help her end her relationship with a mean boyfriend. And "sad" is someone Simon can't talk about.
Admissions Guy 1: Oh, ho ho! So he'll keep some of his own stuff private, but he lays his family's secrets out for anyone to see!
Simon says that the wacky people in his family's lives find them through RevCam, who looks either really stoned or really stupid with his half-closed eyes and content smile. RevCam's favorite saying is, "Forget trying to help people and just try to be harmless."
Admissions Guy 2: Wasn't that the KKK's slogan?
Admissions Guy 1: I think it was the Nazis, actually.
It should surprise no one that RevCam doesn't really have friends, just people he's "helped." Like RevHam(ilton), whose church was burnt down by racists, or a "bigamist," who I guess needed help getting a divorce from one of his wives; a "drug addict," an "abused wife," who is not considered a "victim" for whatever reason, a "homeless" guy, and Aunt Julie, the "recovered alcoholic." And let's not forget the "minister in crisis" who suffered from epilepsy, or "mother of ungrateful children" Mrs. Hinkle. Pam is another "victim" of not having as much money as she'd like. "Selfish parents" Bob and Ellen forgot about their daughter during their divorce. This is illustrated by a picture of RevCam in mid-blink with his finger pointed at his temple, which seems like a bizarre choice. "Victim" Norah's husband was murdered, although I would call him a "victim" more than I would her. "Guess who's back" Will is Eric's adopted brother George's real dad, who was away in witness protection. Eric helped "ex-con" Ron get a job, and autistic "angel" Louis's parents get the money they needed to send him away. And let's not forget "floozies" Nancy and Serena, who totally wanted RevCam, which should probably make them "victims," or at least "blind and deaf." RevCam saved "Hero" teacher Mr. Lane when he tried to help a student whose dad was abusing him. "Fashion victim" Peter wanted to commit suicide because his mom bought him ugly pants. Too bad none of the Camdens have that sense of perspective; then they would all have killed themselves long ago and I wouldn't have to suffer. The "cheater" president of Crawford Clown College had an affair with a grad student. RevCam helped abusive "victim" George get some anger management classes. "Victim" Clarence and his mom were poor, of course. "Sad and determined" Elizabeth couldn't get over the death of her son. "Hero" Rudy was a janitor who spoke to God. "Good citizens" were RevCam's fellow jurists who RevCam convinced to give a man they thought was innocent a life sentence. Way to go, Eric.
"Controller and controllee" Ryan and Jessica went to RevCam for marriage counseling, and probably wish they hadn't. "Alcoholic" Ted almost killed Mary and Lucy. The only thing keeping him from being an "angel," in my eyes at least, is that he didn't actually do it. Some "dog lovers" asked RevCam to watch their pet die because they couldn't. "Confused" James "thought" he had a crush on Annie. You'd have to be pretty confused to think that. "Victim" Fern was verbally abused by her dad, and played by Morgan Fairchild, and thus well past old enough to have gotten over it. "Victim" Sashigo was a Japanese-American who was interned during WWII, who used that experience to…well…to refuse to sign a petition that would protect someone who was experiencing similar war-related racism. Oh well! A "selfless child" asked RevCam to pray to end violence. "Fighter" Harold was terminally ill, but not a child, and thus not an angel. An "amazing man" went to RevCam to tell on his co-workers for stealing his prosthetic arm. Yeah, that's real amazing. Amazingly lame. "Lucky man" IPS Joy's dad was reunited with his kidnapped son with, if I remember correctly, very little help from RevCam. Yasmin's dad was "down on his luck." Maybe his kidnapped child was not recovered. Peter's almost stepfather Dick was an "abuser." "Overbearing parents" wouldn't let their grown son live his own life. Simon says that his dad learned a lesson from them, but -- come on now. Some guy was an "imposter" of Chandler's dad. I don't know how RevCam helped him, but I guess he did, somehow. Off-camera. As boing sound effects play, Simon says that "the list goes on and on forever and ever for all eternity."
Admissions Guy 1: I think it already has.
Annie's helped people, too. Her stick-figure gets a poodle-do redux and is surrounded by smaller stick figures representing her horrid children. She even has a stick-figure clownface. Such detail! Anyway, Annie once helped an "illiterate athlete," not by teaching him to read, but by introducing him to someone else who did that. After that, Annie starts getting categories instead of individual people, because the writers got bored. "The poor" are the church's finances. Because all the other poor people in town have already been classified as "victims," I guess. "The grieving" is a woman whose husband committed suicide. And then there's "the divorced," "the nosey," and "the inexperienced," a group of newlyweds whose marriages were helpfully destroyed by Annie and RevCam. Annie let a "homeless veteran" make her father and Ginger's wedding dinner. You'd really have to hate your dad to have his wedding reception catered by a homeless man, but it ended up working out. A kid who was "scared" about his parents having another child was introduced to SamVid, which probably bumped him up to "terrified." Annie's "ex-boyfriend" was obnoxious. I guess Annie didn't help him. "Unprepared pregnant teens" Cassie and Babs, however, did get help, as did Rita, who didn't know how to talk to her daughter about sex. Lastly, "unpleasant parents" always argued in front of their daughter Kristy.
Live-action Simon says that the CamRents have helped their children more than anyone else, especially when they've been in trouble. And they've been in "lots and lots of trouble."
Admissions Guy 1: Ah, we finally get to the good part.
Admissions Guy 2: Watching paint dry would qualify as the "good part" of this video.
Albert Einstein says that "only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and [he's] not sure about the former." Simon should have opened his video with that quotation; everything that came after it would have made a lot more sense. We see that the CamFridge is now plastered with 8x10 screen captures posing as family photos. Simon says that as PKs, the CamKids have found it hard to stay out of trouble. Even the twins stole money to pay for the church roof, and they also stole Pat Boone's hat.
A (real, not stick-figure) picture of Matt has been lamely decorated with a drawing of what looks like a huge blunt, but is probably supposed to be a cigarette, hanging out of his mouth, and a talk balloon that says "let's party!" Matt once borrowed the Meals on Wheels van…
Admissions Guy 2: The Meal on Wheels van? He's already so bad-ass I can't even stand it!
…then drove it into a police car while his date spilled beer all over him. Matt has also come home at 5 AM, forged RevCam's signature on Mary's detention slip, and thrown a party with Mary when the CamRents were out of town, which led to Happy getting hit by a car. Matt punched the guy who ran over Mary, and went on a road trip with Mary that got him a ticket. Oh, please. He also brought an unsmoked joint home, which Happy found and delivered to RevCam.
Admissions Guy 1: Happy kind of rules.
Admissions Guy 2: Oh yeah.
Matt also ran away to Philadelphia to get Heather, only to see that she had a new boyfriend, and lost a job when Happy ate the food he was supposed to deliver.
Admissions Guy 1: Okay, Happy definitely rules.
Admissions Guy 2: Agreed.
Matt almost failed an organic chemistry class because he wouldn't get help from his teacher. But, Simon says, all Matt's stuff is pretty minor -- he didn't smoke (although Simon said Mrs. Bink helped Matt quit smoking about ten minutes ago, so I don't know what's going on there) or drink, and he did keep his sex life quiet, and Simon regrets that he has no pictures to show.
up is Mary, who actually has huge devil horns drawn on her head. In a talk balloon, she says, "Me? Trouble?" I guess she's just as confused about what she did to merit all this talk about how bad she was as we are. Mary's been in "far more" trouble than anyone else in the CamClan. She went to a frat party with Keri Russell and snuck out to a co-ed sleepover party. And she stole a glass from "the Varsity," a place I've never heard of on this show before. And, of course, she TPed the school gym while posing for pictures, apparently. That was pretty stupid. When you're going to do something "illegal," you probably shouldn't commit such acts to film. Anyway, this got her arrested, where she met Robbie. Then she got a job at Eddie's Pool Hall and bought a sports car, then got fired. Then she worked at Pete's Pizza, where she met Frankie and Johnny and drank a beer, then didn't get arrested for driving "drunk." And Mary "may or may not" have tried marijuana. Mary also gets blamed for the time when all the other CamKids stole SamVid's money. And she's lied and cheated, but you "can't help but love her!" Unless you're Annie.
Admissions Guy 1: That's it? She's the worst one, and that's it?
Admissions Guy 2: And there are like six kids left, oh God! [sobs loudly]
Lucy gets a "boo-hoo!" talk balloon and drawn-on tears because she's "extremely emotional." This is illustrated by some screen captures of Lucy throwing a total fit, except in that particular instance, she was crying because her good friend had just died, so I don't think that's very fair. Lucy once got in a "catfight" with Mary when their parents renewed their vows, which is awesome. She slapped Jordan, which is stupid. And Mary once "gave" Lucy a black eye by accident, although Simon doubts that it really was an accident because, you know, Mary is evil. Also, I'm not sure how getting a black eye counts as getting in trouble. That should have gone on Mary's list, rich with sports-car-buying scandal as it was. Lucy and Roxanne have had their differences, to which Simon says "whatever."
up is Ruthie, who's wearing an angel costume. Simon has lovingly Photoshopped an "X" over the halo and written "yeah, right" on it.
Admissions Guy 1: Simon's handwriting is kind of girly.
Admissions Guy 2: "Kind of"? I'm not a huge fan of gender-izing handwriting, but all that sentence needs are hearts instead of dots over the I's.
Ruthie and Simon once got lost when they were trying to tail their postman, and Sgt. Michaels had to bring them home.
Admissions Guy 1: How are you ten years old and getting lost in your own neighborhood?
Admissions Guy 2: I'm sure it happens to stupid people all the time.
They also bought black-market ferrets. Ruthie called "911" when Simon claimed to be locked in his room. And they found a credit card in the mail and used it to buy Happy some shoes. And there was the time when Ruthie tied Simon to the stairs, then got stuck in them herself. Ruthie's caused trouble on her own, too: once, she stuck a mint up her nose when RevCam's sermon was being taped for television. ["I just felt a sudden rush of love for Ruthie." -- Sars] She also plotted to get sent home from school so she could go to the beach with Annie. And she cut someone's hair badly, and conned stupid Matt into getting her a make-up kit. And then there's the time she "surprised her boyfriend -- and Mom -- with how sexy she could look. At twelve." Sexy saxophone music plays. ["Rush over." -- Sars] Ruthie also bribed her little brothers to call her "Mom" instead of Annie. She said that a friend of hers wasn't being fed by her parents to make RevCam feel better about himself. And she got grounded for slow dancing with a boyfriend who wasn't Peter. Finally, Ruthie and Peter once lost a rescue dog they were supposed to watch.
Admissions Guy 1: When are they going to mention the fact that she's adopted?
Admissions Guy 1: I guess it's understood.
Simon says he's been in trouble too, even though his picture has a halo and wings Photoshopped on it with a talk balloon that says "Me!!!" Simon broke two windows when he liked golf, gave a kid the middle finger, and toilet-papered a house with a guy on crutches, which was how he got caught. Simon does not explain how it was perfectly okay for him to vandalize something with toilet paper, but when Mary did it, it ruined her life. He also got his ears pierced and tried smoking. He somehow got Ruthie to suck at math so she could get more attention from Annie, and he shoplifted and snuck into the movies, although he "didn't mean to."
Admissions Guy 1: Now, how do you do that by accident?
Admissions Guy 2: I'm sure stupid people do it all the time.
Simon dated the Olsen twins and got into rap music. He also got in a low-speed car chase because his grandpa had Alzheimer's. Simon also "talked Morris into" taking him to a party with spiked punch. The resulting hangover convinced Simon to never drink again. And of course, Simon had a "high school escort service" that he swears he learned his lesson about. Simon says that he can't blame all his trouble on being a PK, but then again, he and his siblings haven't had normal friends or normal lives.
Being a PK, Simon says, "is not a role [he] chose," and sometimes he would like to give it back. Simon wants to make his own mistakes and live his own life, not the life of a PK. Simon knows what his strengths are, and they are that he's good with naughty children and money. So the logical place for Simon would be Hollywood as a film and television producer. Maybe he could even be like "this guy," who is Aaron Spelling. A picture of Aaron Spelling flies onto the screen with an autograph to Simon Photoshopped on it, as well as the words "Hollywood Legend," because Brenda thinks it's hilarious when she makes inside "jokes" that are really attempts to get a raise. Simon says that he wants to learn everything he can about the industry at "California School of the Arts." Even though Glenoak's got a "top-notch" school, it doesn't have a film program.
Admissions Guy 1: What top-notch school is he talking about?
Admissions Guy 2: I don't know…the only college in his area is Crawford, and that's a school for…how can I put this?…"Angels."
Simon says that he can't wait until semester or fall to go to CSA; he needs "immediate admittance." He's got good grades, and his SAT scores are in the top tenth percentile. They will have his CHSPE scores in a couple of weeks. "My future is in your hands," Simon says. "The End" flashes on the screen.
Admissions Guy 1: Okay…well…I'm really glad that's over. I hated that goddamn video.
Admissions Guy 2: Me too. Why did that kid spend the last forty minutes talking about his family members who we don't know and who are totally irrelevant to his qualifications for college?
Admissions Guy 1: I don't even want to think about it anymore. Let's get out of --
Suddenly, there's a record scratch sound effect and Robert Evans's voice comes in, with what looks like a paparazzi picture of him and the Photoshopped words "Hey kid, dig deeper, Robert Evans" and "Hollywood producer." Unlike Spelling, Evans is not a "legend."
Admissions Guy 1: What the…?
Admissions Guy 2: Why is this still going? And how did he get a voice-over from Robert Evans?
Admissions Guy 1: Not voluntarily, I'm sure.
I can totally understand why Brenda Hampton would want to have Robert Evans -- known best for being the paragon of virtue this show prides itself on teaching its audience -- do a voice-over. Similarly, I can totally understand why Evans -- who has a new television show coming out -- would want to appear on a television show that is so in line with his lifestyle. Another picture of Robert Evans sitting in his car talking on his cell phone flies up with "Hey Simon -- go get 'em! Robert Evans" Photoshopped on it as Evans tells Simon to tell CSA the real reason why he wants to go to college early. Evans says that Simon needs to put his heart and soul into the video, and it's not done yet.
Admissions Guy 1: Shit!
"I killed someone," says Simon in a live-action scene.
Admissions Guy 2: Shouldn't this have been in the trouble segment?
Admissions Guy 1: If the last forty minutes of this didn't convince me, that statement certainly will: we need this boring, self-centered, stupid murderer at CSA!
Simon explains that he killed a thirteen-year-old named PaulSmith, and he can't deal with it in the "spotlight" of being a PK. But Simon's not "running away" from his problems by trying to go to CSA; he's trying to work through it where no one knows him.
Admissions Guy 2: Or likes him.
Simon also needs to get out of his current school because PaulSmith's brother might come after him. Not that Simon wouldn't mind if he did, or even if he killed him, because he feels guilty about being alive.
Admissions Guy 1: Oh, good, he's suicidal too. He'll be a great addition to the student body.
Admissions Guy 2: If JustinSmith doesn't kill Simon, I'll happily volunteer for the job.
But don't worry -- Simon's "not the type of guy" who would kill himself, so "don't anyone panic." But he is in a lot of pain about the accident. Oh yeah -- by the way, it was an accident, not a murder, and it happened when Simon was driving to pick Asslee up when PaulSmith rode his bike in front of Simon's car.
Admissions Guy 1: It was a car accident? That really should have been one of the first things he said. I thought he was a child-killing axe murderer this whole time. Seriously, I did.
Admissions Guy 2: It's just so sad. PaulSmith was probably the last kid in town who wasn't a Camden.
"I can't get the sounds out of my head," says Simon, who is so traumatized by the accident that he can't look at a kid on a bike or walk by a playground without freaking. But anyway, he'll learn how to live with this eventually, but, he says, "if I'm going to get better slowly over time, I'd rather it be somewhere far away from here."
Admissions Guy 1: I'd rather it be somewhere far away from here, too.
Simon misses Matt, who's been in New York for a little over a year. Simon says he still calls him on the phone, and we see a picture of Simon on the phone with Matt standing right to him.
Admissions Guy 1: Wait, why is he calling him on the phone? Matt's standing right to him.
Admissions Guy 1: Why are you still surprised when someone in this family does something stupid?
Matt told Simon that accidents happen when people aren't watching themselves. And no one can watch themselves every moment, so accidents happen to everyone. Simon says that this theory somehow helped him.
Mary is out of CamLand too, because the entire loving family "banned together" and kicked her out.
Admissions Guy 1: Whoa, you can do that? I'm going to ban together with my family and have our oldest son kicked out of the house.
Admissions Guy 2: But he's eight!
Admissions Guy 1: Yeah, but sometimes he makes our lives inconvenient and doesn't behave perfectly, so according to the Camdens, we have just cause.
Simon says that Mary is really "carefree" and always happy, even though "she can't keep a job to save her life and she's broken a million hearts and married a guy that [sic] she hardly knows." If you call "gainful employment for over a year" not being able to keep a job and "maybe four" a million, then I guess this is true. But Mary trusts life, and her theory is that "if you fall off the edge of the earth, just keep falling, and eventually Gear magazine will pay you for semi-nude photos." Or the universe will embrace you and lift you up again. One of the two.
Simon can't get Lucy out of his life no matter how hard he tries. Lucy will write to him at school and send him care packages and keep him updated with the latest house information, even the stuff he doesn't want to know.
Admissions Guy 2: Like his parents' sex lives? Oh, no, wait -- he does want to know about that.
Admissions Guy 1: Is there even anything left to not want to know after that?
Then they show a picture of Ruthie.
Admissions Guy 1: I see.
Even though Lucy's head "doesn't seem to be screwed on tight…"
Admissions Guy 2: Or proportional to her body.
…she's really passionate about life and stuff. "While at first glance she may seem like just an ordinary person," Simon says rather meanly, she's actually funny and touching. A good example of this is how Lucy was the first person to say that she was mad at PaulSmith for the accident, which is totally hilarious, yet also poignant. It's too bad that Simon's telling us how his family helped him deal with the accident instead of us actually getting to see it, although it's not too surprising.
Simon "loves" SamVid, who are too young and too stupid to know what happened last summer, and so provide a welcome escape from Simon's depression. Their silliness reminds Simon how lucky he is to be alive. Annoying baby sound effects play that remind me how unlucky I am to be alive. The twins also remind Simon that life goes on, and people in his house are "coming along…behind" him. That's probably because they're stalking him. Simon feels bad about leaving them, but he's leaving them in Ruthie's capable hands.
Ruthie will be the hardest person for Simon to leave, but she won't have time to miss him because she's going through puberty with "thoughtful intelligence" and "a great sense of humor" and "high self-esteem." And a lame clear phone, judging by the picture of her talking on it. Simon hopes that he'll always be a "positive influence" on her life. But since he and Ruthie are so close, Simon fears that she "feels his pain" (not really -- wasn't Ruthie the first person to have a good time and tell people to start moving on after the accident?) and distance is a good idea. And he knows that she'll be "just fine" without him anyway.
And the CamRents, who raised Simon "right," and are sending a "man" into the world, and not a boy. Simon is man enough to work through an accident that killed a boy "who was reckless with his life." Because PaulSmith was high (I don't know why Simon's stating as fact what was, a few episodes ago, mere speculation) the night he crashed into Simon without wearing a helmet. And JustinSmith might have given him the weed. And the Smith parents think that they did something wrong (and I'm sure we're supposed to think that they did). And Simon blames himself because, you know, he drove into the kid. But blame doesn't help anything, and in the end no one made Paul get high (even though Frankie and Johnny were blamed for making Mary get "drunk"), ride his bike, and not wear his helmet except Paul.
Admissions Guy 1: You can tell that Simon really feels bad about what happened because he's already found a way to place the blame entirely on the person he killed.
Admissions Guy 2: I'd be much less angry right now if he had just chalked this all up to an accident and not something that was caused by the kid it killed.
But the Smith parents are still trying to do their job by asking Simon to leave school, and he's ready to go, because the CamRents taught Simon all the basics, like being polite and treating people well. They taught him to say "please" and "thank you," if not to say "goodbye" before ending a phone conversation. "If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all." That is, until you get home and say whatever you want behind people's backs. "Take a shower every day." Unless you're Dopey and you want your hair to retain its glistening oily shine. And of course, there's the stuff that the bad Smiths didn't teach their sons, like "wear a helmet" and "don't do drugs." And then there are some more philosophical teachings, but Simon doesn't really go into those, most likely because they don't exist. "Philosophical Camden" is an oxymoron, after all. The CamRents have taught Simon to do the right thing, and what to do if he doesn't, and about the love of a family. And respect for each other. By not trusting them to do the right thing and spying on them to make sure they do. Simon may question his parents' beliefs, he's still the "son of a preacher man," and someday, he will have what the CamRents have. The camera tracks out of the house, and the door closes by itself.
Back in the live-action chain-link-fence theater, Simon says, "I will finish high school, I will finish college, and get my degree, I will start my career, I will marry someone I love and respect, and we will raise our children to be responsible, and to make a contribution to this world. And I will do those things in that order." Every journey begins with its first step, says an anonymous quotation.
At this point, both Admissions Guys died of boredom. Admissions Guy 1 leaves behind a wife and two young children, as well as both parents and a sister. Admissions Guy 2 leaves behind a new fianceé, his parents, and two brothers. As a tribute to them, CSA admitted the student whose video application they were watching when they mysteriously died. The PK on the admissions staff who sent them Simon's video was the eulogist at both funerals.