The show opens with a man being wheeled through the hospital on a stretcher. Oh no, did RevCam have another heart attack? I say "oh no" not out of concern for RevCam's health, but for my own, because if I have to deal with a season-long "arc" about RevCam's bad heart, I'll probably either hurt myself or become an alcoholic. ["'Become'? Looks like someone didn't read her job description…" -- Sars] Oh -- whew! -- there's Eric, looking healthy and standing at the hospital admitting desk with Lucy, who takes after her mother more and more every day as she nags the receptionist to find out where Kevin is in the hospital. Lucy then provides us with some helpful exposition about how Kevin got injured in the line of duty. Since all I've seen him do in terms of duty is perform menial office duties around the station, I can only assume that he put a staple through his thumb, or looked directly into the copy machine scanner light and went blind. There's a reason why they tell you to put the cover down before you press the start button, you know. Lucy yells at the lady some more to hurry up and find her husband. I'd like to see Lucy act like that in the ER of the hospital I work in. They don't play around. If you walk in there and start harassing them to hurry up like you own the place, they'll tear your head off and eat it. Lucy frets to RevCam that Kevin might have been so badly hurt when he came in that he couldn't tell them his name, so she asks the lady to try looking him up by his badge number. Because the admitting staff would go to the trouble of reading his police badge, but not the name under it. RevCam tells Lucy to calm down, as they were told that Kevin's injuries weren't life-threatening. "Sure they said that!" shouts Lucy. "What are they going to say; your husband has a bullet hole in his forehead and if you look really close you can see this guy?" There's a guy in Kevin's head? Maybe he's the one working all the robot controls. Oh, she said, "the sky." Easy mistake to make, as any Jimi Hendrix fan knows. Actually, when you think about it, "this guy" makes more sense than "the sky." Why would you be able to see the sky in Kevin's head? It's pushing it to even say that you could see brains in there.
At this point, the lady at the counter makes the mistake of shooting Lucy a disgusted glare, thus incurring the wrath of Lucy because the lady should be looking at the computer screen and trying to find her husband. Lucy then suggests using Google to locate him. Before she says anything more asinine than that, if that's even possible, RevCam sees Kevin coming out of a hospital room, partially held up by Roxanne. He points him out to Lucy, who screams out his name. Kevin turns towards the camera, and we see that he got worked over worse than Peter last week; his face is bruised and cut up, and his left arm is in a sling. Maybe he got some sense knocked into him, too, as he looks less than pleased to see his wife. Nevertheless, she bounds over to him and gives him a big hug as he assures her that he's fine. She hugs him again, and he groans because being hugged when you have bruised ribs is no picnic. Roxanne shows concern for her partner's well-being by commenting on how cute he looks in stitches. Lucy tries to hug Kevin again, but he begs off, saying that he has a dislocated shoulder. Lucy says that she has no idea "what to kiss first." RevCam takes this as his cue to leave an increasingly awkward and private conversation by going to get the car. Lucy and Roxanne walk a limping Kevin down the hall as Roxanne says that this whole thing is her fault. She explains that she and Kevin were on "one of those stupid domestic calls" when she let the fighting husband and wife get too close. The wife tried to attack her husband, and Kevin was trying to hold her back, so he bore the brunt of it. Lucy stops and asks Roxanne if she's saying that a mere woman wrecked her husband. Kevin glares at Roxanne, who looks around like she's all innocent, even though Kevin asked her not to say anything several times, and probably a few more times before Lucy got there.
The long parade of non-stars that is the opening credits just got a little more bloated; meet Simon's replacement.
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster begins along a peaceful, tree-lined street. Whatever moment of tranquillity they were trying to go for with that just got ruined, because Richard Lewis's name just appeared as a guest star so I started screaming. Ruthie and Peter carry large paper bags and do an exaggerated "casual" walk down the sidewalk. I didn't even think it was possible to overact walking, but there you go. A mysterious stranger peeks out from amongst the trees and starts to follow them. As the cutesy couple approaches the stairs to the CamPound, Ruthie grouses that out of all the choices they had for an upcoming school project, Peter had to pick building a "working coal mine." "It's an important part of U.S. labor history," Peter explains. While I don't doubt the veracity of that statement, I must wonder how the hell they're going to build a working coal mine. Don't they need, like, a mountain full of coal, and those metal carts, and workers? Seems like quite a task for two tweens. Ruthie asks if they couldn't perform a scene from How Green Was My Valley and call it a day. Probably because buying the rights to that would cost a pretty penny, and the 7th Heaven rights-buying fund still hasn't recovered from what it spent on "I Won't Back Down." Then, as we see the mysterious stranger skulking around the Electric CamVan, Ruthie says that if they work all weekend, they might have it finished by Monday. That rapid change in attitude was brought to you by the Editing Department of 7th Heaven: because stuff doesn't need to make sense as long as we cut out enough material to have room for the commercials. As Mysterio watches, Ruthie drops her stuff at the door and enters the house. Peter then picks it all up goes in after her. "He's so whipped," the stranger thinks, then walks up to the house and peeks inside.
In the kitchen, RevCam and Simon chat about how Simon's leaving for college in a few days and he's afraid that everyone in the family will be overcome with grief when they say good-bye to him at the bus station. Bus station? He's not going to sleep-away camp for a week; he's going to college. No one in this family can find the time to drive him up there? What about Lucy? She doesn't have anything else to do. My parents drove me to school in two station wagons and helped me unpack before they left. We must have had some bad family values. Simon and RevCam have now moved on to discussing Eric's precipitation issues. Simon says that Eric often gets a "moist look" in the corner of his eyes when he's sad. RevCam asks Simon if this "moistness" bothers him. Simon says that he's just afraid that Annie will see it and go into convulsions of wailing and tears, and that will set everyone else off. RevCam says that this reminds him that he needs to call Annie, who's getting back from her dad's house tomorrow. Hold up a minute here -- is Annie still at her Dad's house from last week? That would mean that Simon just got into college within the last hour, since the day he sent in his little video was the day before Annie was supposed to return. That PK network must be something else. Simon says that Annie doesn't have to be upset that he's leaving, because she can call him anytime. RevCam wanders off, so Simon concludes his sentence by talking to the counters. I would feel sorry for him, but he kind of deserves that for talking about RevCam's moistness.
A shadowy figure approaches the back door of the CamPound. Who could it be? If you guessed "new character bizarrely introducing himself to the show," then you're right! He walks right into the house and starts looking through the cabinets. He must be a long-lost Camden. Maybe he and Ruthie got switched at birth.
The doorbell rings, and Simon answers it to reveal Richard Lewis, who's getting into the Halloween spirit just a wee bit early by dressing up as a homeless version of Beethoven. Simon invites him in and starts to tell him about how he's going to college, but Richard only wants to speak to RevCam. Simon directs Richard to RevCam's office, but Richard can't leave a scene without going off on a "comedic" mumble-rant about how he got into an accident at temple earlier when he and Mrs. Tupperware or whatever her name was collided while going for the same piece of sponge cake. Oh, I know how that is. I've been to temple meals, and when my grandma isn't trying to introduce me to her friend's nephew who's a doctor, I'm getting knocked around in the buffet line by all the greedy Jews who are trying to get the best pieces of the dead Christian baby.
In the RevLair, Eric is talking to Annie on the phone. Richard comes in and tells RevCam to say hi to his "lovely" wife for him. On the other end of the phone, Annie demonstrates her loveliness by making a horrible face and angrily demanding to know what Richard is doing in her house. RevCam says he'll find out what's going on and call her back. "Should I HOLD?!" barks Annie. RevCam says no, and hangs up on her. Then he asks Richard to take a seat. This allows us all to again bear witness to the comedic stylings of Richard Lewis as he natters on about how taking a seat implies that he and RevCam are going to have a lengthy conversation, and he doesn't want to have a lengthy conversation, so he won't take a seat. RevCam asks Richard if he's okay. Richard asks why he can't "just come over…and shoot the breeeeeze…with a palllll?" I think he's had one too many fermented Bokus. RevCam breaks it down and tells Richard that he looks awful and his clothes look slept-in. In a way-too-close shot, Richard says that he only took a nap, and he "knew this schmata -- this material -- wouldn't hold a crease." He said schmata because he speaks Jewish.
Ruthie comes into the kitchen and notices a strange boy looking through her refrigerator. Instead of screaming and calling the police, she assumes that he's a friend of Simon's and offers him some cookies RevCam got from a bakery. He couldn't make them himself because cooking is woman's work, and, as Ruthie reminds all of us with severe short-term memory problems, Annie is away at her father's house. She leaves the stranger with a plateful of cookies and walks back upstairs.
In the Treehouse of Lurv, Lucy wears an ugly light blue tracksuit and asks Kevin why he isn't talking to her. She thinks he's bummed out because he's on "medical leave" for the rest of the week. She says that he should think of what happened as a blessing, because it reminded them how lucky they are to have each other. That's probably the last thing I would want to hear if I got hurt -- about how it will serve as a helpful reminder about what's really important. The first thing I would want to hear is "here are some powerful painkillers and a tasty muffin." Kevin smirks, and they kiss loudly and chastely. Then Kevin leaps out of bed and says he's going for a walk -- alone. Lucy wonders if she did something wrong, like not keeping her mouth closed enough.
SamVid has congregated in Ruthie's bedroom to protest the fact that one of their toy cars (or, as they say, "cawwwwwwaawwww") is being used in Ruthie and Peter's coal mine. We see said coal mine, and it's not a "working coal mine" at all, but a small scale model of one. Since when did eighth grade assign craft projects? When I was in eighth grade, I had to write papers and take pre-algebra. Those dioramas are kid stuff! Maybe Ruthie and Peter are in the remedial class, though, and I shouldn't make fun. Ruthie tells the twins that they'll get their car back as soon as she and Peter get a failing grade on their stupid project, thus becoming the object of derision in the schoolyard. Yeah, Ruthie, you just keep blaming the reason why kids make fun of you on your grades so you won't have to face up to how horrible and obnoxious you are. SamVid asks if they can eat some licorice that is apparently nearby. Peter says no, because they're "using the licorice to represent coal." Ruthie scoffs, so Peter asks her if she has "a better idea of something to represent coal?" I have a better idea of how to represent the way real people speak. Ruthie points out that coal would make a suitable representation of coal, but Peter says that coal is "hard to find." Since when? It's not like they'd actually have to go to a real coal mine and mine for it themselves; they can just grab some charcoal briquettes from the grill in the backyard and be all set. Peter bitches at Ruthie that if she doesn't want to do the project, she can speak up now. "I'm sorry, okay?" Ruthie says. "I know I've been a negative pill, and I really like your optimistic nature; it's actually an attractive quality and I'd like to develop it myself." I know it's hard to believe that that line wasn't the show's nadir, but the truth is, it only gets worse from here.
The mysterious stranger has moved to the CamDen, where he's sitting on a couch, reading a magazine. It's almost like "Goldilocks and the Three Bears," except that the three bears are home the entire time, and they're completely retarded, and there are like eleven of them. Simon and Happy walk in, and Simon and the stranger exchange manly "heys." Simon looks around, then says "hi" again, then apologizes and leaves. Happy growls sadly and leaves as well. Well, that filled a good three minutes.
Richard gesticulates wildly as he talks about how someone's office can tell you a lot about him, and how Mark Twain used to have a pool table in his office, so any time he got writer's block he could "bang some balls around." Whoa, Rabbi -- stop talking like that or you'll bump the show up to a "PG" rating! RevCam tries to get back on topic, but Richard would rather discuss musicals. He starts reciting a song from The Music Man. I'm surprised he didn't start singing from The Fiddler on the Roof, since, you know, he's Jewish. Richard says that there is trouble located solely within the confines of River City. RevCam informs us that trouble is spelled with a capital "T," which rhymes with the letter "P," then asks Richard what his deal is. Richard takes his coat off and sits down as the camera snakes its way over RevCam's desk to close in on Richard's face. This is a mistake, because he moves around so much that the camera has to keep moving to keep him in the shot. It's making me feel nauseous. Well, that, and the fact that I've got thirty-two inches of Richard Lewis in my living room. Richard tells us that he has a problem, and while it isn't as big as any of the things detailed in the Passover Seder (one great thing about being Jewish is that you can always use Jewish stuff as a point of reference!), it is bad to him. Then he falls asleep. Oh, I'm sorry; he's not asleep; he's just looking down to show us that he's sad. Finally Richard reveals that he and Conehead have split up, and "it hurts." He actually delivered this line really well, but then he blew it by going back to his shtick right before the commercial break and waving his hand around while saying, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Oh, well.
RevCam consoles Richard by telling him that he "doesn't have the words right now," while also making what appears to be the universal symbol for "big jugs" with his hands. He says that he can't believe that Richard and Conehead, of all people, are breaking up. Does he even know them well enough to say that? Their entire relationship has consisted of one offensive dinner, a shared fake wedding ceremony, and spying on Chandler. Richard says that he saw Conehead in his office -- you know, in the Jewish Temple for Jews -- making out with his cantor. 7th Heaven never saw fit to explain to its viewing audience what a cantor was, so I will: during a temple service, there are certain parts of the Jewish prayer book that are spoken, and certain parts that are sung. The rabbi recites the spoken parts, and the cantor sing the sung parts. The cantor also plays a role in singing certain holiday services. In my grandparents' temple, the cantor is a small Asian woman who converted, like Dopey, when she married a Jew. And now you know. RevCam tells Richard not to jump to conclusions. Since when? The people on this show jump to conclusions so often, you'd think they had a "Jump-To-Conclusions" mat (tm Office Space) hidden under the sofa. Richard says that there's only one explanation for what his wife was doing, and as a man, RevCam should know what that is. Then he laments the loss of his cantor and fake cries. RevCam gives him a small pat on the shoulder -- way to be a friend, there, ass -- and then the scene abruptly ends.
Cracks are starting to show in Ruthie and Peter's wonderful relationship as they fight over whose fault it is that the coal mine has been ruined. Simon walks in and asks what's going on. Ruthie says that Peter wasn't paying attention. Peter says that he can't build a coal mine and watch the twins at the same time, and Ruthie should have been watching them anyway. Ruthie says that it was Peter's "job" to watch them, not hers. Simon again asks what happened, and Ruthie explains that SamVid ate all their coal. "I like coal," says one twin, sticking his tongue out to show us that Brenda Hampton has cruelly dyed it black for "comedy" purposes. Also, this would be reason number 154,677 why those twins ain't right: they enjoy black licorice, which is totally gross. "I'm gonna be a miner," says the other twin. Too bad about those new child labor laws, or he could have gotten his wish immediately! Ruthie rudely asks Simon what he wants. Simon says that he just wanted to spend some time with them, since he's leaving for college in a day and a half. Ruthie tells him that if he really wants to help, he can go clean the twins, then buy them some coal at the store. Um, he didn't say he wanted to help you with your stupid project, Ruthie; he said he wanted to spend some time with you, which, ill-advised as it may be, was a nice gesture. So stop being such a bitch. Simon leaves with the twins. Peter sits on Ruthie's bed and asks what's for dinner, because he's a rude git who invites himself over to other people's houses.
Simon leads SamVid downstairs and asks them if they'll miss him when he leaves. Smaller twin asks for his bedroom, while bigger twin asks if he can go to the store with Simon. Simon mistakes his request as meaning that he wants to spend more time with him, but the twin -- who Simon calls "David," thus finally revealing which twin is which -- only wants to buy more coal. I think Simon should buy some real coal and give that to SamVid. That'll teach them a lesson about the importance of family.
Mysterio watches television on the couch as RevCam emerges from his office. He assumes that Mysterio is Simon's friend, and introduces himself. Mysterio introduces himself as "Martin." Martin. Awesome choice of names there, Brenda. RevCam walks right back into the RevLair. Martin blinks a couple times. I'm a little rusty with Morse code, but I think he's signaling, "Help me. Help me. Help me."
In the kitchen, Ruthie asks Lucy, "did you know Simon has a friend?" Lucy says that she did not know that Simon had any friends. That was kind of funny, but not really true. After all, there was Nigel, and Morris, and that kid whose sister was in a gang of bird-watchers. Ruthie and Lucy finish their brief and pointless interaction, leaving Ruthie free to leave the kitchen and walk into the CamDen. She asks Martin if he'd like to help her and Peter build their coal mine while Simon's at the store. He says sure. Then Ruthie asks him if he'll be staying for dinner, which, since we know how RevCam can't touch an oven without his hands falling off, will be take-out pizza. Martin says he likes pizza.
An exterior shot of the CamPound (good thing they put that there -- I had just forgotten where this show took place, and thus needed the reminder) leads to a shot of Simon coming downstairs with a slice of pizza and asking RevCam, who's now in the kitchen with Richard Lewis, for advice on how he should pack for college. RevCam says that Simon should just "pack light," and the CamRents can ship anything he needs after he gets there. It would probably be less expensive to just buy new clothes than to have them shipped, but the Camdens aren't exactly masters of budgeting, as we all know. Richard turns around and offers Simon some advice. Advice about girls. And how if Simon ever meets the "right" girl, he should transfer immediately, because she will rip his heart out "like a lab experiment." Wow, seriously? I should have taken more science classes! That sounds awesome. Richard fills another ten minutes of airtime stammering out apologies for what he just said, and how he's not himself, and everyone's been so nice to him, while RevCam makes "I hate this guy" faces behind his back. RevCam is such an awesome friend.
Martin's chilling in the RevLair, with his feet on the RevDesk, some RevPizza in one hand and a RevFamily photograph in the other. It's a picture of Annie and Ruthie back when they had matching poodle hairdon'ts. "Is it genetically possible for two fair-haired, fair-skinned parents to have Ruthie?" Martin wonders.
Back in the kitchen, Richard offers to help RevCam with the dishes, when the dark force of shrewish nagging enters the CamPound via the back door. "I thought you were going to call me back!" Annie bitches while swinging her apparently weightless suitcase all over the place. "What is going on? I know there's something wrong; [Richard's] never here unless there's something wrong." RevCam gives Annie a kiss on the cheek and says he needs to go "do something…else," as the prospect of being in the room with the two most annoying people in the world is more than he can bear. Annie asks Richard if he's okay, thus setting him off on yet another boring, stupid, nonsensical monologue about how Conehead used to enjoy the same lemon-fresh dishwashing detergent that the CamRents have. Eventually, he tells her about how he caught his wife kissing another man. Annie says she's sure it's all a big mistake. Richard tries to prove a point, although I'm still not sure what that point is other than the one I used to poke my eyes out after this aired, as he kisses Annie as vigorously as one can with one's mouth closed. Annie reacts to this assault by standing there and making muffled protest noises while sort of throwing her arms around. She should have just kicked him in the ashach. Then Ruthie comes downstairs, sees what's going on, and gapes. Then there's a commercial. Well. Sobell can complain all she wants about how last week'sCSI had the most disgusting thing she's ever seen on television, but I've got her beat. Rotten, bloated, boiled, water-logged corpses have nothing on a seventeen-second kiss between Richard and Annie. Anyway, I need to go draft a letter to Sars requesting workman's compensation for the therapy bills I'll have from watching that scene. They will be quite expensive, as I'll probably need daily sessions and will most likely have to undergo hypnosis to block it all out.
Post-break, Annie takes some deep heaving breaths while Richard paces around, sickened with himself for kissing Annie, as well he should be. "What was I doing? What was I thinking? I couldn't have been thinking -- [I was] deranged," he says. Then he tries to blame it on Mad Cow disease or monkey pox, although I've never heard the WHO warning against sudden outbreaks of non-passionate kissing as symptoms of either ailment. Richard realizes how insulting he's being to Annie by implying that it would take insanity to kiss her voluntarily, and tells her that she's beautiful. Annie says that she understands, and that the kiss didn't mean anything, and they should both forget it ever happened. Well, maybe they can, but I can't. It's been burned into my brain forever. Richard asks Annie how he was. Annie gives him a "the hell?" look, and he says that he thought that maybe Conehead was cheating on him because he lost his kissing ability. That's great. If you need me, I'll be in the shower, trying to wash the metaphorical dirt away while sobbing and throwing up at the same time.
Up in Ruthie's room, Peter admires his totally lame coal mine as Ruthie enters. He tells her that he got the lights to work. Lights? What the hell kind of coal mine is he building? I guess I don't know anything about U.S. labor history after all. In my history classes, they always made us "do research" and "write theses," and we didn't learn a thing! If only they told us to wire a mound of papier-mâché and throw some candy in it -- I could have been quite the scholar! Anyway, Ruthie responds to Peter's good news by walking over to him with a blank look on her face while suspenseful and scary music plays. Peter asks her if she's okay. The Piano of Impending Doom chimes in with a discordant note. "Sure. Why wouldn't I be?" Ruthie responds, all zombie-like. Then she lifts a small metal pole over her head and smashes the coal mine several times. Peter puts his arms up in front of his face and watches as his crazy girlfriend destroys his dreams. I would feel sorry for him, but this is what happens when you date a sociopath. And if this is supposed to be Ruthie's reaction to seeing Annie and Richard kissing, it would have been more realistic (not to mention entertaining) if she was hitting herself over the head with that pole.
In the Treehouse of Lurv, Lucy is feeding the T-1000 some pizza that she just stole from her parents' house. "I am really turned on by the fact that you're a cop and you're so strong, and so handsome," Lucy begins. Before she can get to the part about how the fact that he can dissolve into a mercury-like substance and then morph into whatever he wishes is totally sexy, Kevin says that he's had enough pizza and "whatever else [Lucy's] trying to feed [him]." Lucy says that she's serious, and she loves how Kevin feels like he has to protect her and his female partner. He did a great job of that when she got "stabbed" by that homeless guy, didn't he? Suddenly, there's knock on the door. "WHAT?!" Lucy screams. It's Simon, and he was wondering if he could borrow Lucy's suitcase; his is too small for all the things he needs to pack for college. From this seemingly innocuous request, Lucy bitch-attacks Simon and asks him why he's trying to get all this attention because he's going away to college, when people go away to college all the time, as evidenced by the fact that colleges all over the country are full of kids. Simon's face falls, and he turns around and leaves. I guess it's good family values to yell at a young family member who's just been through a traumatic experience and is getting ready to leave home for the first time. Lucy turns back to Kevin, turns the sexy voice back on, and tries to pick up where she left off. Even with his very rudimentary grasp on human interaction and emotions, Kevin can tell that Lucy was a little harsh with her brother. Lucy responds that Simon deserves it for ruining her moment. Then she talks about how she enjoys being a woman, and Kevin enjoys being a man. "And you're the type of man who wants a woman that [sic] feels that [sic] she needs a man." And I'm the type of woman who feels like she can go for another round of barfing and crying.
Ruthie explains to Peter that she viciously destroyed the coal mine because she saw Richard Lewis kissing her mother. While I can understand all too well what a negative effect seeing something like that can have on a person, I still don't get the connection between that and wrecking a papier-mâché coal mine. Peter sits down and screws up the titular line by saying, "That wasn't something I was expecting." Ruthie says she can't believe that her dad is a "cuckold." Peter doesn't know what that means, so Ruthie explains that she got the word from Shakespeare, then laments the fact that using a "new" word in a sentence isn't as thrilling as she thought it would be. Maybe if she used an actual new word instead of a word that was already outdated hundreds of years ago, it would have been a better experience for her. Peter decides that what Ruthie saw was just a big misunderstanding of the Jewish variety; it might be a "Jewish custom" to make out with one's host after a meal. Peter goes on to enlighten us all about the strange customs of the Jews by saying that they are a "very affectionate people" (apparently, all Jews are the same. Way to stereotype, asshole), just like his Russian (though non-Jewish) uncle. And apparently Russians and Jews are totally the same, ethnically and culturally. I'm learning a lot from Peter today. Anyway, Ruthie isn't buying it. Neither am I; since when did "affection" mean "sexual assault"? Oh, that's right -- when Brenda Hampton got her very own television show to spew her anti-feminist doctrines. First women deserve to get raped because they're wearing skimpy clothes, and now when a man forces you to kiss him, it's because he's being "affectionate."
Back at the Treehouse of Setting Women's Liberation Back About a Hundred Years, Lucy throws a suitcase down in front of the bed, and she and Kevin have a standoff of folded arms until Roxanne walks right into their house. Every time they show a close-up of the stairs leading into the house, I'm reminded of how little floor space there is between about half of the apartment's kitchen and the open hole in the floor. One day, someone will fall through it and die, and it will be so great. Roxanne says that she came by to see how Kevin was doing "physically and mentally." Kevin jumps all over the "mentally" part, assuming that Lucy put Roxanne up to this, since Roxanne wouldn't ask about something like that. I guess she's already figured out that Kevin doesn't have a brain, and therefore inquiring as to his mental health would be a waste of time, not to mention insensitive. Kevin and Lucy bicker about how Lucy put Roxanne up to this, and Roxanne joins the conversation by expressing her happiness that Kevin's gotten his ego back, if not, judging by the frightening glare Kevin's shooting her, his sense of humor. Kevin leaves.
Now it's Martin's turn to be annoyed to the brink of death by Richard. They're sitting on the couch together, and Richard asks him if he's married, which, even though people on this show do get married ridiculously young, is still a stupid question to ask an obviously teenaged boy. Then Richard starts stuffing several slices of white cake that he just found sitting on the coffee table into his mouth. I hope there's arsenic in that cake; not only would it teach Richard a valuable lesson about why you shouldn't just eat food you find sitting around, but it would also mean he wouldn't be on the show anymore. Martin gives one-word answers to all of Richard's questions, since he obviously doesn't want to talk to him. Richard half-gets a clue and asks Martin if he always answers every question with either a "yes" or a "no." Martin says yes. Richard says that he must have a lot of problems with multiple choice questions, then stuffs two more slices of cake in his mouth. That's disgusting. The doorbell rings, and Richard leaves to answer it. On his way there, he meets RevCam, who then answers the door, since, you know, it's his house. It's Chandler, and he's holding a big envelope filled with his upcoming sermon that he wants RevCam to look over. Kevin walks in and begs Chandler to join him at the pool hall for a beer. Chandler says sure, and Richard butts in that he'd love to play pool and drink beer with the lads. Kevin and Chandler exchange bug-eyed "NO!!!" looks while RevCam runs to the phone to book them all rooms at The Colonel's Center for Wayward Adults in pristine Buffalo, Back East. Actually, he encourages them to go out and leave him alone. Chandler asks RevCam to join them. RevCam says he'd rather spend a quiet evening at home. Then Annie's dulcet tones ring out from upstairs, and Eric decides that he'd rather hang out with Richard Lewis than have to face her again.
In the hallway, Ruthie asks Peter why he calls her "sweetie" and "honey." He says it's because he calls "all the women in [his] life" that. Ruthie asks who these women are, and Peter replies, with a creepy smile on his face, that they are her and his mother. I'll be considering the perverted sexual overtones of that little quip from my shower, where I've now installed a computer desk and a television set so as to be more efficient in my recapping duties. It was getting inconvenient to have to get up from my computer and jump into the shower every time someone on this show did something squicky. Now I can do both at the same time. Annie appears, and Peter says that he'll let himself out of the house. Annie smiles at Ruthie and says that she was just on her way to wish her goodnight. "Goodnight -- or GOODBYE?!" Ruthie asks, all drama. Annie's smile turns into an angry grimace, of course. Ruthie asks her mother if she's really been visiting her father all this time. You know, I think Ruthie has a real case here. After all, we never actually saw Annie with her father, and she obviously had nothing in her suitcase when she came home from there. I think she's having a torrid affair with Det. Michaels. "I will NEVER leave this FAM. I. LY," Annie replies with her teeth clenched. Ruthie asks Annie why she was kissing Richard. Annie snorts and explains that Richard is "emotional" and "out of his mind." So out of his mind, in fact, that if RevCam had been there instead of Annie, Richard would have kissed him. That's right, folks -- only extremely crazy people kiss someone of the same sex. Annie says that she's telling Ruthie this because she's "adult enough to know the truth." Ruthie expresses her gratitude, then asks if RevCam is adult enough to know the truth. Indeed he is, says Annie, and she already told him. And he's so adult about the whole thing that he just went to the pool hall with Richard and will hopefully get the guy to leave them all alone. I can't believe we missed Annie telling RevCam about her little indiscretion AND RevCam's reaction to the news. I also can't believe that RevCam just forgave Richard for assaulting his wife. There's a thin line between "forgiving" and "doormat," RevCam, and you might want to look down to make sure you're on the right side. Ruthie and Annie complete their heart-to-heart by walking, arm-in-arm, into what I believe is the linen closet. Martin pokes his head out from around the corner, having listened in on the entire conversation, and walks away.
Simon sulks in the backyard. Asslee walks up from behind the rose bush she apparently lives in and says hi. Simon is touched by the fact that Asslee came over just to say goodbye to him before he left for school. Asslee bursts that bubble right quick by saying that she actually came to borrow some boots from Lucy for her hiking trip this Sunday, on which she says she will be accompanied by some friends. Imaginary friends, maybe. Simon says that Sunday is the day he leaves for school. Asslee says that if he really wants her to, she can cancel the hike and come down to the bus station and say goodbye to him instead. What a gesture. Simon tells her that that's not necessary. Asslee says she wouldn't be saying goodbye anyway, just "so long." She walks away, leaving Simon to tell himself that it is goodbye. For David Gallagher's sake, I sincerely hope so.
Martin uses RevCam's office phone to call Conehead. How did he know her number? We'll never know. He "disguises" his voice and says that he's calling from "a pool hall" about her husband, who's making a fool of himself and needs to be picked up and brought back home immediately. I'll bet Conehead gets that call just about every day. Martin hangs up on her, then smiles and looks up at the ceiling.
Over at Eddie's Pool Hall, Chandler blows an easy shot to the center pocket because he sucks at life. Kevin goes to take a shot, even though he had bruised ribs and a dislocated shoulder that morning. At a table, Richard drinks beer from a glass stein while RevCam drinks what appears to be ginger ale from a plastic bright green cup. Eddie's Pool Hall sure is stylin' in the dishware department. Richard pressures RevCam to have some more 7UP, on his dime. Chandler asks what's going on, and RevCam explains that Richard is being so generous because he still feels guilty about kissing Annie, even though Annie and the Rev are totally cool about it now. Chandler just starts laughing. Richard lectures Chandler about how this isn't a laughing matter, since the reason he kissed Annie was to demonstrate to her how his wife was kissing his cantor. Chandler doesn't even care. Then Conehead and her lifeless hair with ugly bangs walk in and tell Richard it's time to go home. Richard says that their house has not been a "home" since she cheated on him. Conehead rolls her eyes and explains that what Richard saw was the cantor, who's all upset about his divorce, "snapping" by making out with her after she tried to be nice to him. She says it was nothing, and it meant nothing. Richard says that he can understand that -- now. It's all well and good that they understand, but I still don't. If the cantor assaulted Conehead, then Det. Michaels should be called. Similarly, Annie should press charges against Richard for what he did to her. And then Richard and the cantor can claim innocence by reason of being emotional and see how far that gets them in a real court of law. Richard and Conehead leave, but not before thoroughly sickening me once again when Richard smells her and asks if she just did the dishes. Conehead says that she totally did because she just made latkes, and they're greasy, so she had to do a lot of scrubbing. I had to do a lot of scrubbing too, but of my eyes, to try to remove the image of Richard and Conehead using dishwashing as an analogy for sex. Richard takes off without paying the bill like he said he would. Jews are so shifty.
Finally alone, RevCam basks in the glow of what a supportive friend he is. Kevin walks up, and RevCam asks him if he's okay. Kevin sits down and says, "Lucy and I haven't had sex since I got pummeled by that woman." Which, I'd like to point out, was like three hours ago. So, ew. RevCam walks away, probably to get a tape recorder so he can have this conversation forever and forever. In his absence, Kevin tells Chandler that he doesn't think Lucy can look at him the same way anymore, because he can't look at himself the same way. Chandler basically tells him that that's stupid. "What about Roxanne?" Kevin asks. "Well, you know Roxanne," Chandler says. Kevin smirks. So, did Kevin get over his emasculation? Are he and Lucy going to have some hot robot sex tonight? We'll never know, and I think that's for the best. My hot water bills are getting pretty expensive.
Simon walks into the living room, where Martin tells him that he's going back to his real house now. Simon tells Martin that he's leaving for college tomorrow. Martin asks him if he's scared. Simon says he's terrified, but since no one else seems to think it's a big deal, he shouldn't either. Martin reveals that the family is planning a surprise party. Simon is all happy to hear that his family really does love him after all. Simon and Martin discuss what it was like to go from starring in movies with John Travolta and Tom Hanks to this; then Martin leaves.
Martin walks through the kitchen, where Ruthie is pouring herself a glass of milk from a teeny-tiny half-gallon container. Why buy in bulk when you have ten mouths to feed and you're on a tight budget, right, Annie? Martin asks Ruthie how her coal mine project went, and Ruthie says that she destroyed it. Martin whips out a piece of paper with a sketch of an "easier" coal mine for Peter and Ruthie to work on. Ruthie thanks him, and he leaves.
Outside, he meets RevCam, who is, for whatever reason, wandering around his own backyard. They greet each other, and Martin gives RevCam an update on the current locations of his family members, including Roxanne and Asslee, even though there's no way he could have known that those two were even there, as they never entered the CamPound and Martin never broke into the Treehouse. But hey, if a dislocated shoulder can heal in less than a day, why can't Martin be omniscient? Martin tells RevCam that he made up that thing about Simon's surprise party because Simon was feeling like no one cared about him, so the CamRents should probably get on planning that. RevCam asks Martin who he is, because he doesn't believe that he's Simon friend. Is it really that hard to believe that Simon has a friend? I think he's had more friends than anyone else on this show, with the possible exception of Lucy. Martin explains that "it was just one of those things," and he broke into the house and ate their food because his dad told him to get out more. His dad, by the way, is a Marine in Iraq. "You know -- Iraq, in the Middle East?" No, I thought he meant Iraq, Kansas. I was totally confused; thanks, Martin, for clearing that up. RevCam says that his dad retired as a colonel in the Marine Corps. Martin rains all over RevCam's I Understand How You Feel Parade by pointing out how lucky Eric is that his dad lived long enough to be able to retire. RevCam asks Martin where his mother is. "She's -- how do you say it? Passed away," explains Martin. That was -- how do you say it? A terrible line. So when his dad left for Iraq, Martin was left to fend for himself, until those evil bastards at Social Services made him live with his aunt, who neglects him. They say this as if it's a bad thing, which it is, but when you consider the fact that one of today's episode's subplots was how everyone ignored Simon, not to mention that those twins are so damn hungry that they've started eating things that Ruthie has touched, it all rings a little false. Also, what kind of crappy father doesn't make plans for his kid himself when he gets shipped off to another country?
RevCam sits Martin down on the porch and asks him why he didn't just say all this earlier. Martin says that he was trying to talk to Peter and Ruthie on their way home from school, but chickened out. Then he broke into the house "on a whim" and kept trying to talk to someone, but just wasn't able to. And being in the CamPound, surrounded by a family, was nice. He liked seeing how the "rest" of America lives -- those who don't have "family in the military in Iraq." "It must seem to you that we don't care about those of you who have family in Iraq, or that they're even over there," RevCam speechifies as the camera zooms way too close to his face. "I guess they're not in our thoughts and prayers like they were when we first sent troops there." Martin says that it "stings," because his dad could die any second, but the rest of America is going about their business, because that's what "civilian-types want" -- the freedom to go about their business. RevCam says that this freedom is a privilege, and we all forget that, and the people who have family in Iraq. Martin tells him to go call his dad and say thanks. RevCam says he will. I hope he doesn't call right now, since it's probably around midnight in Buffalo. The Guitar of Going About Your Business Like an Ungrateful Prick strums to life as RevCam invites Martin to Simon's party tomorrow. Martin says he'll think about it. RevCam says that he's welcome anytime, and he'll pray for his father. Then his eyes get all moist as he looks up to heaven. "Thank you, Staff Sgt. Dwight J. Morgan -- I mean, 'Martin's Dad,'" RevCam says. Don't blame RevCam for that gaffe -- it's easy to lose track of which vapid and trite pro-military propaganda piece you're shooting when you do so many.