The show begins with its traditional shot of the CamPound and some rollicking up-tempo muzak. In the kitchen, RevCam presents SamVid with what appears to be burnt toast, and tells them that Annie is visiting her father for the two days. You mean she's going to be gone for the entire episode? That I won't have to pause my 7th Heaven tape to write something down, only to see that I've managed to stop at the absolute height of an Annie Clownface so now there's a frozen exaggerated grimace staring at me while I write? And best of all, no Opening Credits Timewaster devoted to watching Annie perform her morning chores with considerably less than aplomb? Joy! Eric tells the twins that they'll be spending the two days with Daddy, and even going to work with him. SamVid is not very pleased to hear this.
The phone rings. It's Annie, calling from her father's blandly decorated home. Damn it! Damn it, damn it, damn it! She is going to be in this episode after all. She speaks to her husband for all of two seconds, then demands to speak to the twins, which is surprising when you consider the fact that they're barely capable of speech. RevCam is reluctant to let her talk to the kids, so they shout a worried "Mommmmeeeee!" in unison. It's actually the best acting they've ever done, leading me to wonder if Brenda Hampton was horrifically murdering their real mother nearby to produce the intended reaction. Annie icily asks RevCam to give them the phone, and this time he does. "Come hoooommme," says the bigger twin. Smaller twin follows this up with a "nooooow." Kill meeeeeee. Noooooowww. Annie says that she'll be back soon, but in the meantime, SamVid and Daddy are going to have "a LOT of FUN!" Smaller twin says that the twins "don't like Daddeeee in the daytiiiimmmee." "We don't want hiiiiimmmmmmmm," says his brother. RevCam doesn't respond by bursting into tears or walking out of the kitchen in a self-righteous huff while screaming, "No one appreciates me!" Instead, he pathetically tries to convince his own children that he's fun to be around. The twins ignore him and complain to Annie that RevCam is making them go to work, and they're too young to work. Apparently, they're also too young to know how to hold a phone properly. Or to get a better agent. Annie tells the twins to help RevCam at his job like they help her. Really? I've never seen them help her; maybe they're spending all that time behind the couch dusting or something. SamVid agrees and gives the phone back to RevCam. Annie bitchily asks him if it would be so hard to take a day off of work to spend time with his own kids. Yes, Annie, it would. When you're the sole breadwinner for a family with at least five dependents, you can't just take days off to play. So shut up. RevCam says that the kids will be fine and she shouldn't worry.
Suddenly and without warning, the 7th Heaven special effects department shows up for work for the first time in about three years and decides that this scene would play much better to the viewing audience if it was cheesy as hell. So we get a split-screen of the CamRents talking to each other on the phone, as RevCam and his purple shirt come sliding into Annie's father's kitchen. Annie asks about Simon; RevCam says that he's getting ready for his meeting with a Board of Education counselor. Like the awesome mother she is, Annie forgot all about Simon and the upcoming meeting that could determine his future. She freaks out and says that she'll come right back to Glenoak. Unless the Phoenix to Glenoak flight takes less than five minutes, I don't think she's going to make it in time. RevCam tells her that she doesn't need to be there, as all the counselor is going to say is the same stuff they've already told Simon. Still, Annie is worried that a decision about Simon's education will be made when she's not there. RevCam says that this will not happen. They try to convince themselves that they love each other, then hang up without saying goodbye.
You know, if they're going to have so many people in the opening credits, they should lengthen the theme song to match. Perhaps a rap interlude?
I'm chilling in Glenoak with my friends,
When I see a cool family coming 'round the bend.
It's the Camdens, and I'm happy to say,
They love each other in a special way.
Spying, snooping, looking around --
That is how 7th Heaven is found!
Worrrrd to your hag-faced mother. We out, we out.
The Opening Credits Timewaster is slightly more exciting than the usual fare as RevCam frantically searches around the twins' room for a lost shoe, finds it, and puts it on the kid's foot. Eric knocks on Simon's door and asks if he's ready to leave, but there's no answer because Simon's not in his room. Eric frets that his son has run away from home again, but it turns out that he was just in the bathroom. Apparently he was in there putting on the entire bottle of Annie's age-defying concealing cream, as he's got about a pound of it caked on his face. Simon notices the twins and asks if they'll be going to the Board of Education with him. "Yesss. It'll be fuunnn," SamVid responds with a hint of sarcasm in its voice. Wow, that was actually funny. A funny line in this show, delivered well by the Brinos? Excuse me, I need to go look out my window to make sure the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse aren't flying by. Simon says that he'd rather go to the Board of Ed alone. Eric rejects this, because he wants to know what Simon's options are too. Simon doesn't want the CamRents to "help" him make any decisions. The twins ask if they'll get a vote in the matter. Simon says that they won't, and RevCam shouldn't either; even though he's still a minor, Simon thinks that he should be able to make his own decisions, even if, in the case of college, his parents will be the ones paying for his decisions. It's like the complete opposite of Mary. SamVid asks if they're having fun yet. RevCam looks slightly homicidal.
Glenoak PD Blue. Kevin walks by Det. Michaels, who greets him with a uncharacteristically personality-filled "Kinkirrrrk. How's it goin'?" Kevin says that it's going well, and how is Det. Michaels? This is just the window of opportunity that Det. Michaels was waiting for, as he begins to tell Kevin all about his life situation. He wants to take his wife out for their anniversary, but their babysitter cancelled, and they can't leave their six-year-old daughter home alone. Kevin didn't know that Det. Michaels had a daughter. I didn't even know that Det. Michaels had a life outside of helping out the Camdens. Det. Michaels clarifies that it's actually his granddaughter, whom he's taking care of while his son is in law school. How brave of Det. Michaels's son, to be a quadriplegic and still follow his dream of going to law school. I mean, I don't actually know that he's a quadriplegic, but I must assume that he is, as he otherwise would be perfectly capable of taking care of his own daughter, even while attending law school. Det. Michaels gushes that his granddaughter is "cute as a button," and asks what Kevin and Lucy have planned tonight. Kevin says that Lucy is going out with Roxanne, but he doesn't have any plans. Oh, wait -- now he does. He'll be babysitting for Det. Michaels's granddaughter. It's so easy to trick robots into doing things for you. Officer Blandy McDullard walks up and whispers to Kevin that he's a sucker.
Ruthie gets some books out of her locker, which the school unwisely chose to paint a dull orange color. A nasty little girl walks up and starts asking Ruthie pointed questions about her summer. Someone on the forums said that she's the same girl who made fun of Ruthie last season, but I'm not sure since I never saw that episode. I had to wash my hair that season. Cruel Girl says that Ruthie must have had a tough summer, what with her brother running over that guy and all. Hey, it could be worse. Ruthie could be wearing a pink t-shirt with a puffy-painted butterfly on it, like you. Cruel Girl asks if the reason why Simon never got arrested was because their dad is a pastor. Some huge guy walks up and asks what's going on. Oh, good. A teacher to help Ruthie with her bullying problem. Oh, that's supposed to be a classmate? But…he's twice the size of all the other students! Cruel Girl tells him that she's trying to be nice to Ruthie, because Ruthie doesn't have any friends. It's good to know that there are some people in Glenoak who can manage to recognize and avoid evil in their midst. Biggiesize Fries says that preacher's kids never have any friends because they're losers, and again suggests that Simon didn't get arrested because of who his dad is. Then tiny Peter walks up, and Ruthie leaves with him.
As they walk down the hall, Peter asks Ruthie what's wrong. She won't say, but he guesses that Biggiesize and Cruel Girl were talking about Simon, and volunteers to tell them off or punch Biggiesize. How…um…chivalrous? Ruthie tells him to just ignore them. Peter says that ignoring everyone will just make things worse. Right -- unlike having your gallant, if petite, boyfriend try to fight the largest boy in the history of boys, which would result in a much better outcome. Peter asks Ruthie if she's told her parents about how everyone in her school is talking about her brother. Ruthie says that they have too much to worry about, what with Simon being a murderer, Grandpa having Alzheimer's, and Mary living a functional and independent life, to have time to worry about her. Then she flatly says that she has to go to class. You know, this season, I think Mackenzie Rosman has decided to no longer try to act. I'm not sure if she's now better or worse than when she was trying. "Sorry about all this, honey," says Peter, Peter, Antiquated Terms of Endearment Leader. With Ruthie gone, Peter walks up to Biggiesize, calls him a coward, and says that he should pick on a "man" instead of Ruthie. Biggiesize and I laugh at Peter for considering himself a man. "You want me to fight you?" Biggie asks. "YOU want HIM to fight YOU?" Cruel Girl parrots. Peter says that he wants to fight Biggie, but after Biggie beats the hell out of him, he will have to stop talking about Simon and beat up anyone else who does. Biggie says that if Peter can last three minutes in the ring without crying or breaking anything, he'll agree to his conditions. Biggie and Nasty walk away, leaving Peter to wonder if dating Ruthie is really worth all this.
Avert your eyes! It's an extreme close-up of RevChan making out with a blonde woman twice his age! And no, it's not Annie. The kissing comes to an abrupt halt when Lucy walks in. The woman greets Lucy and says that she was just saying good-bye to RevChan, who smiles dorkily all, "Huh huh, I just totally almost got laid, huh huh." It's the same look we've seen on Matt's face many a time. After the woman leaves, Lucy digs into her dad's co-worker about how quickly he got over Roxanne. Chandler responds by asking Lucy what she's doing there, to which she answers that she needs to borrow a book for school. I guess the legs on Crawford Clown College's desks are uneven and need something to help them balance. Chandler knows exactly where the book is, grabs it from the shelf, and hands it to Lucy. She informs Chandler that the girl he was just getting mouth herpes from is (dun dun dunnnn!) divorced. How did she get out of the Divorced Women's Leper Colony on the other side of town? Chandler asks Lucy if there's anything else she wants, like to make some more judgments or offer some unsolicited advice. Like he's never done that before. The phone rings. Chandler answers it and makes dinner plans for Friday (as every other day of the week was already booked), then hangs up on the caller. "You're disgusting!" Lucy shouts at him, and leaves. Then she turns around and asks Chandler if he really should be using his congregation as his own personal dating pool. Chandler says that most people date people they work with. Lucy screams that this is different because Chandler is a minister, and is supposed to be doing the work of God. Chandler says that he never realized how attractive that was to women, and he's "enjoying" getting over Roxanne. Lucy walks out again, then stops and walks back into the office to give him a cartoonish dirty look. Then she leaves before Chandler can take his book back.
At the police station, Kevin is trying to convince Roxanne to cancel her plans with Lucy because, as he whines, "Detective Michaels wants [Kevin] to babysit and [he]'d feel better if Lucy was there to help [him]." Roxanne says that she won't cancel her night with Lucy because she wouldn't wish Det. Michaels's granddaughter on her worst enemy, let alone her "best friend." Which category does Lucy fall into again? I can't remember, it's always changing. Kevin asks what's wrong with the granddaughter. Roxanne says that she can't tell him because he hates gossip, but she will give him some advice. That advice is to keep his eyes on her at all times, as her nickname is "Houdini."
It appears to be dress-down day at the Board of Ed., as the counselor isn't exactly wearing formal work attire. Also, he's played by Cirroc Loften, who also played Jake Sisko on Deep Space Nine, and I only knew that because I checked the guest star credits. I wonder if this is stunt-casting to lure in the coveted young male science nerd demographic. Can we expect an appearance by Wil Wheaton in the near future? Jake tells Simon that, while his SATs and grades are pretty good, just passing the GED or the "CHSPE" isn't necessarily enough to go to college. RevCam points out that Simon isn't old enough to take the GED anyway, although he can take the CHSPE, which, for the benefit of the non-Californian audience, he says stands for the "California High School Proficiency Test." Shouldn't that be "exam?" California is so weird. Jake says that the CHSPE is coming up in November if Simon wants to take it. Simon says that sounds good, and asks when he can get to college if he takes it. Jake says fall or possibly even the summer. SamVid decides that they need to use the bathroom, and RevCam takes them away. Simon stands up and tells Jake that he needs to be out of high school and into college "like, now." Jake says that the education system is one big bureaucracy and there's a lot of red tape preventing that from happening. I would say that it's less "red tape" than it is "not letting a privileged few leave high school early just because something bad happened to them." Simon asks why, if he doesn't like the system so much, Jake works in it. He says that he's a Harvard grad who couldn't get a job teaching film production to high school kids, so he got a job with the Board of Ed. because there's a bulletin board near the cafeteria with job postings that he can check to see if a film production teaching job opens up. Wow, they have their own cafeteria? My town's Board of Ed is housed in the town hall, and the closest thing to a cafeteria they have is a vending machine in the community center down the street. Also, who goes to Harvard to teach film production to high school kids?
Simon walks over to Jake and takes a knee to his lap. I really thought that Simon was going to offer sexual favors in exchange for a way into college, but he actually just wanted to tell Jake his car accident sob story. Simon says that he needs to get out of Glenoak because everyone is "looking" at him because his dad is a minister. "PK, huh? Preacher's Kid?" asks Jake. It turns out that he was one, too, and it got him into Harvard because that was the only non-seminary school his dad would accept him going to. This is the second time Jake has mentioned his alma mater to a complete stranger in as many minutes. I think he might be just a little too proud of himself. Anyway, now that Jake knows that Simon is, like him, a Starship Captain's Kid -- I mean, "Preacher's Kid," he suddenly has more educational options for him. He says that there are a few places Simon can appeal to for immediate admission, contingent upon his passing the CHSPE. Simon asks if these places are far away. Jake says that they are, and some of them even have PKs in the admissions office. Even so, Simon will have to make a "heck of a personal appeal." Simon asks if Jake has any suggestions. They stand around awkwardly and wait for the scene to fade out.
RevCam runs around the kitchen as Ruthie enters. She asks him if he's seen Peter, but he hasn't. He's willing to start up a search party for him, but Ruthie says that he's probably at his real home, doing his homework. Eric asks how school was today, and Ruthie brightly responds that it was great. Eric's dubious about this. Ruthie says that algebra was not so great. RevCam offers his assistance, but it turns out that he doesn't know anything about quadratic polynomials. Fortunately, sudden math genius Paris does know about them, and she offered to help Peter and Ruthie with their homework after dinner. RevCam says that he needs to go to the church for a while and was hoping that Ruthie could watch the boys. Ruthie says that she would be happy to, as long as Eric understands that this will cause her to fail algebra and ultimately end up like Mary. Terrified at the thought of another child living a happy life away from his careful supervision, RevCam caves and says he'll ask someone else to babysit.
Ruthie goes upstairs, where she sees Simon in the hallway. Simon's hairstyle has changed dramatically between this scene and the last; before it was all swooped back into a pompadour-mullet, and now it's parted in the middle and brushed down. Neither way is flattering, but this one is slightly better. Simon asks her how school is going. He asks if anyone has said anything to Ruthie about the accident, since the kid he killed was her age. Huh? All this time, I thought he was on a motorcycle and was Simon's age! Now he's a bike-riding eighth-grader? That's a lot different! Maybe if I had been privileged enough to see the accident as it occurred, I wouldn't have been carrying this gross misconception around for the past three weeks. Simon says that it's easier for him because he's not in school. Ruthie hugs him and says that "no one has it harder than [Simon]." That sounded kind of dirty, but I'll let it pass, since it's one of the rare loving family moments this show has. Simon tells Ruthie that if anyone says anything to her, he'll take care of him. I wonder if he would take that statement back if he saw Biggiesize. Ruthie says she doesn't think anyone in her school even knows about the accident, since PaulSmith didn't go to her school (which begs the question, why not? How many middle schools does Glenoak have?), then leaves to call Peter.
Lucy comes into the kitchen and asks SamVid what they're making for dinner. "Chateaubriand," says one twin. "Or rack of laaaamb," says the other less-adept-at-French twin. RevCam says that he prefers Italian -- as in take-out pizza. Lucy asks her dad what happened at Simon's meeting today. RevCam says that the counselor said the same things he and Annie said, but Simon needed to hear it from someone else. Lucy asks Eric if he has any contacts that could help Simon go to college early. RevCam says he doesn't care to use any. He'll use his contacts for his loser daughter, but not his son? Ass. RevCam tries to hatch a plot with Lucy to convince Simon to stay in Glenoak. Lucy says that the only person who could have convinced Simon to stay was Asslee, but they're not together anymore. Then Lucy changes the subject and asks if Kevin's new babysitting charge can hang out with RevCam and the twins tonight. RevCam gets a weird look on his face and says no, asking how Kevin got himself into babysitting for his boss. Lucy explains that Det. Michaels has an anniversary dinner with his wife. RevCam repeats what she just said, sounding surprised. I guess he's so self-centered that he didn't even know his "best friend" was married. Although that might also be because Det. Michaels's marriage only exists now so as to provide us with the Kevin babysitting plot. Now Lucy wants to know if RevCam's been "encouraging" Chandler to date women from the church to "boost attendance." "My sermons alone draw them in," RevCam says. Lucy asks if his sermons are responsible for the recent sharp increase of women aged 18-45. RevCam repeats that women love his sermons. Lucy says that women love Chandler. RevCam says that women love both of them, and "what can [he] do?" What, indeed. RevCam leaves, and Lucy pretends to play with the twins.
Ruthie's on the phone with Peter. RevCam picks up on their line from deep within the RevLair. He lies that he didn't know she was on the phone, then says hi to Peter. Peter says hi, and we see that he got the crap beaten out of him. He's got bruises where I didn't even know you could get bruises. It's a damn fine thing to watch. The special effects crew strikes again, and we get a three-way split screen of the phone conversation. Ruthie asks her dad to remove himself from her conversation so that she can have more room on the screen. He hangs up, and Ruthie and Peter's images push his image out of existence. Ruthie yells at Peter that she told him not to hit Biggiesize. "Believe me," says Peter, "I didn't." The whole conversation is littered with awkward pauses due to the fact that, because it's a split screen, they can't be edited out so the timing has to be perfect. And when you're relying on thirteen-year-olds for perfect timing, it's just not going to happen. But thanks for trying to spice up my 7th Heaven viewing experience, special effects team, all the same. But please don't show up for work for another three years. Ruthie asks Peter if he needs a doctor; he says no. RevCam picks up the phone again and tells them that he really needs to make a phone call. Then why doesn't he just use the house's second phone line? I guess the continuity department is on its three-year vacation. Ruthie says that she's coming to Peter's house. He asks her to bring him a lot of ice. And, because this is a totally normal thing for a thirteen-year-old boy to ask for, some make-up. Ruthie smiles evilly.
Simon walks through the kitchen carrying a big box. Lucy asks him where he's going, but his response isn't very specific. Lucy asks him how the Board of Ed. meeting went. He says it was good, and he's still planning to leave home. Lucy asks if he's told RevCam that. "Nooooooooo," says SamVid. Of course not.
RevCam picks up the phone again, but is disappointed to find that Ruthie's off it and he can't listen to her steamy chat with Peter anymore. He gets over it by calling Det. Michaels at the station. As soon as Det. Michaels picks up the phone, RevCam chews him out for not having a wife or an anniversary dinner. Ha! I knew it. He wants to know why Det. Michaels lied to Kevin. Det. Michaels says that he has a date he doesn't want RevCam to know about. RevCam immediately dismisses this idea, because he's a good friend like that. Det. Michaels says that he does have a date, but no one at the station knows that he's divorced, so he told them he was going out with his wife. Yeah, I guess when you live in a town with people like Lucy who treat divorcés like pariahs, you would want as few people as possible to know about your divorce. RevCam asks Det. Michaels if he's found out anything new about the accident. He says that he's still looking into it, but he doesn't think there's anything new to find out, and he doesn't even know what RevCam is looking for anymore. The split screen makes a triumphant third appearance, and it turns out that RevCam and Det. Michaels are no better at their timing than Ruthie and Peter were. RevCam thinks that Det. Michaels is hiding something from him. Pause. Det. Michaels says that RevCam should get ready for a "budget meeting." Pause. RevCam asks how Det. Michaels knows about that, and tells him he's taking his job too far. Pot, meet Kettle.
Ruthie comes in, thus saving us from any more split screen cheesiness. RevCam asks her why Peter sounded "funny" on the phone. That's probably the closest thing to actual "funny" this show has ever had, then. Ruthie suggests that Peter might have sounded strange because he was "startled by [RevCam's] blatant attempts to listen into [their] phone conversation." RevCam shrugs this right off and asks if people are talking about Simon at school. How many times is this question going to be asked? HOW! MANY! TIMES! Ruthie says that no one has said anything to her face. That's true; Biggiesize is so tall that he made fun of Simon to the air about two feet above Ruthie's face. RevCam gives Ruthie permission to go to Peter's house to study, but tells her that in the future, he wants them "here, where someone is always available to snoop, and [they] know what [she's] doing every single second." Because the area on and immediately surrounding the make-out couch is being recorded on by a closed-circuit camera that feeds into a television in RevCam's bedroom. Ruthie thanks him for his honesty and leaves.
RevCam watches her walk out, then dials the police station again. Officer Crewmember'sSon answers and says that Det. Michaels is gone for the day. Eric hangs up as Lucy enters the room with the twins and hands him a pizza menu. She says that she's going out with Roxanne. RevCam can't believe that a strong patriarch like Kevin would allow Lucy to go out without a male chaperone and help Roxanne pick up men. Then he asks if she can take the twins with her. Lucy says no, and suggests that RevCam have Chandler cancel one of his many dates and go to the budget meeting in his stead, thus eliminating the need for a babysitter. RevCam says that he'll just take the twins to the budget meeting. I'm sure the Board of Directors/Trustees/Church Elders will be thrilled to bits about that. SamVid says that their energy cells have been depleted from all the work they've already done today, so going back to work tonight is simply not a possibility. RevCam says that he'll just ask Simon to babysit; Lucy says that Simon's gone for the night, and that he still wants to go to college far away from Glenoak in the very near future. RevCam sulks. Lucy leaves, making the coast clear for the confession of RevCam's deepest desires. "You know who I miss around here?" he asks the twins. "Mommmmmeeee?" they answer. "Hell, no!" RevCam says, "I miss Asslee and her firm, yet perky, breasts." The twins say that they miss Asslee too, because she's nice and pretty and fun, and their dad is none of these things. RevCam goes to call her, but before he can, Lucy, who was apparently spying on them this whole time, runs into the room and says that Simon and Asslee broke up, and it's not right to tempt Simon into staying home while getting babysitting services at the same time. RevCam pooh-poohs this and says he's calling Asslee.
We see an exterior shot of a house that isn't the CamPound. Ooooh, variety! Inside, Ruthie sits on Peter's bed and probably wonders if the fact that his back is turned to her while he talks to his mother on the phone could be a bad sign for the future of their relationship. Peter finally gets off the phone and turns to face the camera for the first time. The Piano of To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar plays as we see that Peter has fallen victim to the insane make-up crew that claimed Simon earlier. Oh, actually, the make-up was applied by Ruthie to hide his bruises. Although this doesn't really explain why he's got lipstick and eyebrow pencil on, does it? I guess we'll just have to draw our own conclusions. Peter says that he'll go to bed before his mom gets home, and that way she won't see him until after school tomorrow; by then, the bruises will be gone. Okay, but if he's not even planning to see his mom tonight, then why does he need to wear make-up at all? I guess these kinds of glaring inconsistencies happen when one constructs a scene purely for the sake of "humor," while disregarding the fact that it has little place in the narrative and makes no sense. And I'll bet at that least half this show's serious audience thought that it was heee-larious. Ruthie says that Peter's plan isn't going to work, and he's going to have to tell someone about the fight sooner or later.
Lucy and Roxanne grab some soft drinks from the Eddie's Pool Hall "bar" and sit down. Roxanne asks Lucy if Chandler's been seen with anyone else yet. Lucy eventually reveals that Chandler's been seeing some women from the church. Roxanne looks hurt, although I can't imagine why, since she was the one who dumped him. When the dumpee starts dating again, the dumper can get rid of all remaining dump guilt, and I'd say that Roxanne has a fair amount of dump guilt, considering how harshly she broke up with him. She should be relieved. Roxanne asks if dating women from the church is against the rules. Lucy points out that Roxanne dated Chandler, and she's a member of the church. Roxanne says that she's a special case here, because she only went to church to see Chandler. So who's stupider in this scene? Roxanne, for what she just said, or Lucy, for having an excessive amount of too-short layers put into her hair? You be the judge. Roxanne disappointedly mutters that she thought she had ruined Chandler's reputation enough to make him unpopular. "You'd think," Lucy says bitchily, yet also awesomely. Roxanne shoots her a look, and the scene ends before we can see the catfight that no doubt ensued. Me-OW!
Crap -- it's SamVid, and they're dressed like cowboys. Crap -- it's Asslee, and she's drawing handlebar moustaches on their faces. Crap -- the twins are speaking. "Now this is fun! Mommy never painted us," declares the smaller twin. The bigger twin mumbles something I can't make out, and don't have the energy to put the closed captioning on for. Asslee says that the "fun" thing they're going to do is make tents on their beds and pretend to camp out all night. "Yaaayyy…" SamVid says while clapping unconvincingly. Asslee suggests opening up the divider between their rooms and Simon's room so that he, too, may make a tent and pretend to camp out with them. "Simon's not hooooome," says the twin slightly more capable of speech. Asslee wonders if Simon left because he knew she was coming over. Normally, I would point out how self-centered she is to think that people's nightly plans are based around her current location, but the fact is that if I knew Asslee was coming to my house, I would leave too. SamVid cruelly wonders if Simon went out on a date, then tells Asslee not to worry about him because they love her. "Thanks, I love you too," Asslee says. Oh, I don't like where this is going.
Aaaaand it's another scene with Ruthie. Jeez, didn't we just see her? Oh, I'm sorry, that's not Ruthie; it's Det. Michaels's granddaughter. Easy mistake. She informs Kevin that she no longer wants to watch television. Kevin suggests reading one of the books she brought over from her house. "Some of them look really interesting," he says. Come on now, guys. Don't laugh at Kevin. He may not be the quickest cowboy on the draw, but we should be happy that he's finally found some suitable reading material. The kid rejects the books because they're too easy for her, then demands that Kevin entertain her. Kevin says that Det. Michaels told him that she would entertain herself; his only job is to keep her safe while Det. Michaels takes her grandmother out to dinner. "My grandma?" the kid says, delivering that line so well that I can't believe I'm watching 7th Heaven anymore. Maybe this boring show finally put me to sleep, and now Everwood is on. Or maybe someone changed the channel when I left the room to get some more alcohol. Oh, wait -- there's a shot of Kevin, so I guess I am watching the same show. The Kid goes on to tell Kevin that Grandma left poor old Det. Michaels when she found out that he was in love with Reverend Eric Camden. Or because she was sick of being a cop's wife, and then, when their son foisted his daughter off on them while he went to law school, she couldn't take it anymore and flew the coop. They are now, as the kid says, "D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D." Kevin takes ten minutes to figure out what this spells, then tells her that he doesn't want to know any of this. The kid asks him to tell her what's going on in the CamPound. "That would be entertaining," she says. You'd be surprised, Kid. Kevin says he doesn't like to gossip. The Kid says that she knows some "good stuff" about them that she could tell him. "No," says Kevin. Shut up, Kevin. I want to hear the good stuff. Give me at least one bright spot in my otherwise terrible viewing experience. Besides this here gin and tonic.
In the almost pitch-black church offices, Lou tells RevCam that the emergency fund is back up to where they projected. RevCam disinterestedly says that that's great, and asks if they're done now. You'd think he'd be more invested in the church's budget, seeing as a good 75 percent of his income comes from the money he embezzles out of it. Lou makes some smartass remark about RevCam not "really" being at the meeting, then starts talking about what's really important: RevCam's kids. Eric gives him an update on Simon's college outlook, which Lou doesn't really care about, because he really wants to talk about Mary. He heard a rumor that she was… "Pregnant?" RevCam asks. Lou was going to say "married," but this sounds much more interesting. RevCam says that Mary is both pregnant and married, and asks Lou to make sure that people know that she got married before she got pregnant. Lou asks if RevCam's planning to make a formal announcement. That would be cool: "Hear ye, hear ye! I, RevCam, doth declare that my daughter, Mary, is not a slut! She totally got married before she did it. So sayeth I." RevCam says that this would ruin everyone's gossiping fun. Lou laughs just a little too hard at this, and leaves. I think that Lou secretly hates RevCam. The phone rings. Mercifully, we do not have to see a split screen of Ruthie asking Eric to pick her up from Peter's place. I thought he lived right down the street -- can't she just walk home?
Oh, how sad. Det Michaels is trying to make ends meet by moonlighting as a night shift manager at a convenience store. After he finishes ringing up a purchase, a co-worker guy asks him if Kevin knows about this. Det. Michaels says that Kevin does not know, and goes on to tell us the current location of every Camden in town. He says that he doesn't want anyone else to know about this either. The guy asks where Simon is. Det. Michaels says that the guy he had following Simon reported that he's at an editing facility and nowhere near the store. Then he cleans off a counter and says that all they have to do is "wait, and hope that [Asslee's] right." I love how into this undercover character Det. Michaels was, what with the ringing people up and cleaning the counter. Maybe he should consider a career change to the exciting world of convenience store management. I'll bet his wife would come back to him, too.
Chandler is on a date with a girl who looks like Mena Suvari. She asks a bunch of questions about Roxanne until Chandler asks her to stop. So she changes the subject to the Camdens, specifically Simon. "Do [the CamRents] have him on anti-depressants?" she inquires. I'm getting really sick of this whole subplot about how everyone in the town cares about the Camdens. A few years ago in my small town, the husband of a town official with school-attending children got arrested for buying cocaine for his very young girlfriend, and no one made as big a deal over that as all of Glenoak is making over Simon. Chandler says that he doesn't know if Simon's on medication or not. Not Mena says that a lot of people take them, like "Alice," some girl Chandler dated the other night, who's been taking them ever since she found out that she couldn't have kids. First of all, that's not the kind of thing that anti-depressants are for, to the best of my knowledge, so Alice needs to find herself a better psychiatrist. Second of all, if Brenda's trying to make some kind of statement about how people who are on anti-depressants are crazy/unstable/funny, she should probably take her head out of her uneducated ass. Third of all, anti-depressants wouldn't be a bad idea for Annie. Not Mena asks if Chandler's on anti-depressants; he says no. She's confused at this, but doesn't want to say more. She wants to talk about the Camdens again, and about how Mary married a homeless guy "in the midst of a family tragedy -- what is she thinking?" Um, she married him before the accident, and she probably wasn't thinking very much at the time because Mary is lucky to even qualify as a sentient being. Chandler wants to talk about the anti-depressants again. Not Mena says that it's okay that he takes them because his father died, although she did hear that anti-depressants affect one's "love life." But there's no need for Chandler to worry, because love from the right woman will cure his sex problems. Chandler says that he's not taking medication, and his love life is none of anyone's business. Not Mena says that because Chandler's the associate pastor, his love life is "everyone's business." Oh, really? What about Yasmine? She doesn't go to Chandler's stupid little church, so is his sex life any of her business?
Ruthie sits on Peter's front steps and tells the approaching Eric that she's ready to go. He asks why Peter isn't waiting outside with her, then rings the doorbell to talk to him. From behind the door, Peter asks what he wants. "It's Mr. Camden…Eric…Ruthie's dad," RevCam says, like, I think he got it with the first one, but thanks for the clarification. Peter opens the door. He's still wearing the make-up. RevCam looks at him like, "I think we need to talk, son. And you probably need to stop dating my daughter." Peter explains that he's wearing make-up because he tried to protect his little woman from being talked about. RevCam says that there's no way to keep people from talking, so Peter's beating was probably all for naught. Ruthie asks if RevCam is giving them a private sermon on how the only thing they can control is how they feel, and she doesn't know how she can choose how she feels when people call her brother a killer. Peter asks what RevCam chooses to feel. RevCam mutters something about tolerance, than changes the subject to Peter's face and what can be done for it.
The Kid offers Kevin his choice of beverages, but he turns her down, then asks if she wants to go to the CamPound and hang out with the twins. The Kid says that the prospect of spending time with Asslee or the twins is not a good one. I love The Kid, y'all. The T-1000 glares at her. "This does not compute," he says.
And we're back with the SamVid, who, last time we left them, were confessing their undying love for Asslee -- and she was confessing hers for them right back. Now the twins are topless. I'm just saying. Asslee offers them some post-coital bug juice. "We loooovvve bug juice. Mommy never lets us drink bug juice. It's delicious," SamVid says. I think SamVid needs to concentrate more on getting Mommy to give them food before they move on to sugary drinks. Kevin runs in, carrying The Kid. He drops her on the ground and says he'll be right back, then runs away. The Kid politely introduces herself to the gang. The phone rings, and Asslee, the worst babysitter ever, abandons the children to get it. The Kid lures SamVid into a game of hide-and-seek. She'll hide, and they'll seek. The easily-fooled twins close their eyes and begin to count. They only get to "eight," which is good since I'm pretty sure they don't know much beyond that, when Kevin walks in and asks where The Kid went. They say that she's hiding. Kevin goes into Search and Destroy mode. I mean, "Search and Rescue mode."
Back at Det. Michaels's second job, a group of teenage boys we've never seen before buy a bunch of medium-sized packages of chips and some cans of soda. Ah, to be young and unaware of the importance of value-shopping. If they bought three large bags of chips and a two-liter bottle of soda, they would have gotten the same amount of the same stuff for only half the price! One of them drops a package of rolling papers on the counter. Hmm, someone's planning a fun evening. They're "Rollers" brand rolling papers, by the way. The 7th Heaven prop team missed a grand opportunity for some more fake product placement by not calling them "Brenda's Rolling Papers." Det. Michaels picks up the package. "They're not illegal," points out one of the kids. Det. Michaels whips out his plastic police badge and kicks everyone out of the store except for the tall, skinny, shaggy-haired guy. Poor kid -- his friends just shrug and turn around and leave. You'd think the one who knew the ins and outs of the rolling paper laws would at least point out that what Det. Michaels is doing is against his friend's civil rights, but no. Det. Michaels tells the guy not to worry, because they're "here to help." He's going to wake up in Buffalo tomorrow with a wicked headache and no idea how he got there, isn't he?
As Lucy walks up the stairs to the Treehouse of Lurv, a graphic advertising the upcoming season premiere of Smallville pops onto the lower half of my screen, filling it with flashing gold trails of light. It's a good thing I have no emotional investment in the show it's disrupting, or else I'd be pissed. Lucy hears the sound of girlish giggling and follows it to her bathroom, where she sees Kevin and Chandler hunkered over a stolen copy of Playboy. Or The Kid. Lucy is rather surprised to see her, and asks where Kevin is. The question is answered by its subject, as Kevin comes barreling up the stairs, yelling for some person named "Hayley." Oh, I guess Hayley is The Kid's name. Too bad; I was kind of hoping that we would never find out her first name, just like we'll never know her grandfather's. Kevin meanly yells at Hayley to come out of the bathroom, then tells her off about how hide-and-seek is "not a good game to play with a babysitter," and possibly not "a good game to play at all." What? I've had my own problems with the game, as I've said before, but I hold no grudge; hide-and-seek is tons of fun, and it's a great game to play with your babysitter. Anyways, Kevin should be happy that Hayley gave him a chance to test out the infrared sensors he had installed in his visual cortex last week. Hayley asks Kevin to turn his anger down a couple notches because he's scaring her. Kevin tries to make a point about how his adult self frightening a small child is analogous to said small child playing a fun kid's game that said adult doesn't want to play, even though said adult ditched said small child beforehand. He says that he's going to tell on Hayley to her grandfather. She tries to convince him not to, but he will not be moved. Lucy says that they've made the right choice in waiting a while to have children. Well, obviously. It will be a while before that care-taking subroutine they programmed into Kevin's mainframe takes full effect.
SamVid sleeps and dreams of a family that pays attention to it as Simon enters his room. He notices a makeshift tent on his bed and is curious to see what's inside it. Curiosity seriously irritates the cat as the occupant of the tent is revealed to be Asslee. Simon doesn't understand why she's there; he thought they already said their goodbyes. Asslee pathetically tries to get back with him, but Simon says that he's probably going to go away soon, as the PK from the Board of Ed knows another PK at some arts school in northern California, and so the original gangsta PK helped Simon make a video to appeal to the admissions board. Would this be a good time to mention how, in college, I lived with a PK who liked to scream out during sex, "You're fucking a minister's daughter!"? I guess there's never a good time to mention that. Oh well! Asslee asks if the CamRents are going to let him leave; Simon says that they don't know about it. "Don't know about what?" RevCam asks. Of course, he was spying on his son from the hallway. Asslee takes off, stopping at RevCam to get a "thanks" for her babysitting services, but no actual money. Sucker! RevCam walks in and says to Simon that "[he] didn't mean to overhear," all the while hastily trying to hide his long-range recording device in his back pocket. RevCam says that Det. Michaels is waiting for Simon on the porch. What, they don't let the poor guy come in the house? They let all other kinds of riff-raff inside, like Ed Begley, Jr.
Det. Michaels sits on the Camdens's front step, looking cold and lonely. Asslee walks by, and Det. Michaels thanks her for "the tip." Yes, it's tips like Asslee's about teenage boys buying chips and soda at 7-11 that helps the Glenoak PD protect its citizens. Simon comes outside. He asks Det. Michaels what's up. Det. Michaels says that he has a "hypothetical" situation to present to Simon. It's about a "good" kid who accidentally ran over and killed a younger kid on a bike. The good kid feels bad about it all summer. Hmm, I wonder who Det. Michaels could be talking about? He's kept the identities of those involved so well hidden. Det. Michaels says that if the dead kid was wearing a helmet and not possibly stoned, he might not have died. Simon says that if the good kid hadn't run the dead kid over, the helmet and the weed wouldn't be an issue at all. Det. Michaels asks Simon where he thinks the dead kid got that Mary Jane in the first place. Simon doesn't know. Det. Michaels reveals that he got it from his older brother. "Simon, he's blaming you because it's just too painful to blame himself," Det Michaels says. Hey, I thought this was supposed to be a hypothetical situation. Simon says that Justin has enough to deal with without everyone knowing that his brother's death may have partly been his fault. He asks who knows about this; Det. Michaels says that it's only him, Simon, and the Smiths. Um, and that other officer who was working undercover with Det. Michaels. And whoever at the police station approved the funding for this ridiculous, non-effective venture. And probably the convenience store owner. Oh, plus Asslee, and Justin's loser friends. But that's it. Det. Michaels promises that if Simon wants him to, he can keep this quiet, because Simon is the chief of police, so he has that kind of determining power. Simon says he does want this, and pats Det. Michaels on the arm. They finish the scene by staring off into the night as the actor who plays Det. Michaels probably wonders how he went from Julliard to this. He may also wonder how his character, who was supposed to be younger than or at least the same age as RevCam, suddenly became a grandfather of a six-year-old.
RevCam rushes to the phone as it rings. It's Annie, wondering why Asslee didn't tell RevCam to call her back. RevCam says that Asslee must have forgotten, but I'd say it's probably because she didn't get paid for babysitting. I would also suggest to Eric that he inspect his tires for slash marks before he drives to work tomorrow. Eric asks about Annie's dad; she says that he's feeling better, and less confused and agitated. Wow, she cured Alzheimer's. Maybe she can bring actor Graham Jarvis back from the dead, too, so I won't feel so weird about recapping a scene about a character whose portrayer has long since died. Annie wonders how she and Eric are going to get through this. "Same way we get through everything," RevCam says. Oh, that's not good. Annie asks how Simon's meeting went, and hopes that Eric and Simon didn't make any decisions without her, like for Simon to go away to college. RevCam says he doesn't think they'll be able to stop him. The Saxophone of Starting Another Season Off Wrong With A Five-Episode Quasi-Story Arc plays us out.
time on a Very Special Episode of 7th Heaven, the family comes face-to-face with the realities of sexual abuse when Richard Lewis forces himself on Annie in front of her youngest daughter. Or the previews are lying to us again.