I'll admit it: I was looking forward to this week's episode because the trailers that were shown about it last week and right before the show started contained scenes of the accident. After hearing so much about it last week, we were finally going to see the real thing. Awesome.
But we'll just have to be patient, because when the show opens, we seem to be in the middle of a big city. Car horns honk and the camera pans up to reveal tall buildings. I don't think we're in Glenoak anymore, Happy. We must be at Matt's New York City hospital. Hmmm...this show is getting too close to my location for my liking. Get back on your own coast, Brenda! Simon buys some kind of apple pastry from a vending machine. Just in case you're ever in Matt's hospital and you, too, want to partake of this confectionery delight, it's on the "D-5" shelf. Mary comes out from behind the vending machine and exasperatedly tells Simon that she's been looking everywhere for him. Oh, hello, Mary. Wish I could say that it's nice to see you again, but...you know. Simon grouses that he's been at the hospital all night waiting for her to come pick him up. Mary says that she didn't get in until 2 that morning, and then didn't check her messages until now. 2 this morning? Hot damn, looks like Mary went out and got herself a life. Simon is also pissed that Mary didn't tell him that Matt wasn't in town. Mary says she assumed that Simon would call Matt and check before he asked her to get him a ticket. Ah, so that's so he could afford a last-minute cross country plane trip -- it was a free JetBlue ticket. Simon's going to wish he wasn't so stingy when the Defense Department comes knocking on his door because JetBlue gave them his passenger information.
Simon asks about Carlos. Mary pretends that she doesn't know who that is, although there's a pretty good chance that she just forgot who he was. After all, she's not the brightest candle on the birthday cake. After more pushing from Simon, Mary admits that Carlos is her new husband. Simon's reaction is an annoyed/pained/not too surprised "whaaat?" Then he stares at Mary's chest. We get a nice Simon's-eye-view of this as he looks down Mary's body, settling on her crotch. Simon, I know you're a seventeen-year-old full of raging hormones, but...damn. She's your sister! Control yourself. Sounding only a little skeeved out, Mary asks Simon what he's looking at. "Nothing," he says. Well, that's not very nice. I mean, Mary's cups may not runneth over like Lucy's, but she does have something there. I know a lot of girls who have less. There's an awkward silence, then Simon says he's ready to go back to Glenoak with Mary, adding that he's glad that Mary's newest screw-up will take some of the attention off of his. Mary comfortingly tells him that everything will be okay, which is more than he deserves after that comment, really. Simon walks away, turning his head to stare at his sister's body again as he goes. "What are you looking at?" Mary asks. "Nothing!" Simon says, just like in "The Ambiguously Gay Duo" on SNL, except not funny and with lower production values.
They've actually added Jessica Biel to the opening credits, making them longer than ever. It's like you get stuck at a railroad crossing, and you have to wait for this impossibly long freight train to pass. Except then the train wrecks, which would be the show.
CamPound exterior. For the Opening Credits Timewaster, we get to watch O.C.D. Annie scrub the hell out of her glass stovetop. She's got a counter full of cleaning products, but she's elected to use the bizarre cleaning combination of Windex and a toothbrush. Yes, a toothbrush. They always tell you not to clean a glass surface with a brush because it scratches, but Annie's a rebel. A rebel who's going to get little food particles and germs stuck in those tiny scratches that will then transfer to other, soon-to-be-ingested food products, thus giving the entire family E.coli. Sounds fine to me. Ruthie trots into the kitchen and announces her imminent departure. This turns out to be a mistake, as Annie grabs her, attempting to suffocate her youngest daughter within the folds of her ample bosom. Sadly, she is unsuccessful, and Ruthie will live to see another day. Annie can't believe that Ruthie will be in high school year, or that the twins will be in kindergarten. I can't believe that either, unless it's kindergarten at a special school for the developmentally delayed. And shouldn't those two be in nursery school by now? My parents had me in nursery school by the time I was three years old, the slave drivers. Annie then provides us all with helpful exposition of Simon's current education situation just in case you didn't see last week's episode. Or maybe you did see it, but had to leave the room several times to barf, thus causing you to miss important parts. Ruthie says that Simon's "not going to turn out like Mary." Annie says that that's what she's afraid of. Yeah, it would be just terrible if Simon ended up with an independent life and a full-time job that provides a decent wage. Annie tells Ruthie that Mary is coming back to Glenoak with Simon, and that they'll all be having dinner together. Annie's going to be happy to see Mary because she misses her. Yet for some odd reason, I doubt that Mary misses her. It might have something to do with all the crap her mother talks about her behind her back. Annie claims to want Mary to come back to Glenoak for good. I guess Annie shouldn't have kicked her out, then. Ruthie expresses her doubts that Mary will return "now," meaning "now" that she thinks Mary's pregnant. Annie bends over to stare Ruthie in the face and find out what she means by that. Catherine Hicks has to bend over quite a bit, too. Wow, either Mackenzie Rosman's really short, or Catherine Hicks is from the lost tribe of Amazon women. Ruthie stammers that she has to meet Peter and go to school, before scampering away. Annie rolls her eyes around crazily.
Carlos and Lucy talk. In profile, Carlos's hair actually looks worse. He tells Lucy that tonight is the night he tells the CamRents that he's their new son-in-law, whether Mary wants him to or not. Lucy says that Mary will be home for dinner tonight, to which Carlos responds that he does, in fact, talk to his wife from time to time, so he already knew this, and just because Mary is eating dinner with her parents doesn't mean that she'll tell them anything. After all, she didn't tell them last time she was in town. Carlos says he told Mary that he'll be telling the CamRents whether she shows up or not, because he wants them to know, and because they should know. Lucy asks if there's a reason why Carlos feels compelled to tell them tonight. He says that it's "now or never."
Officer Kevin walks around the police station attempting to perfect the art of looking busy without actually doing anything. He is interrupted by Roxanne, who rushes over to him and says that they need to talk. Kevin's surprised to see her; he thought she was still on vacation. Roxanne says that she decided to work instead, because she needs to "keep busy." Then she tears up, becoming a disgrace to female police officers everywhere. Kevin is initially concerned that someone is hurt or has died, to warrant all this emotion, but it turns out that she's crying because Chandler dumped her. Off-camera, of course, but that's okay, because when exposition dialogue negates having to watch an emotion-filled scene with Roxanne and Chandler, it's really the lesser of two evils. Kevin's answer to Roxanne's plight is an unsympathetic "I'm not surprised." Roxanne asks why that is, to which Kevin responds that this is what Roxanne gets for not marrying Chandler. Roxanne doesn't understand how this is a good reason to break up with someone; frankly, neither do I, especially since Roxanne said that she would marry Chandler, just after a longer engagement than he wanted. Kevin explains that "if [Roxanne doesn't] want to get married and [Chandler] does, what's a guy supposed to do?...it isn't about what [Roxanne] want[s] and [doesn't] want this time...it's about what he wants and doesn't want. Respect that." Then he walks away. To Roxanne's credit, she summons up unbelievable restraint and does not shove her nightstick up his ass. Maybe she realized that there was no way she could fit it in there anyway, crowded as it is with all manner of bugs and other, bigger, sticks.
Instead, Roxanne pathetically runs to a phone and calls Chandler, who's at the church. She tells him that she needs to talk to him, to which he says that he needs some more time away from her. Then RevCam creeps up behind Chandler, realizes that there's a private conversation going on, and starts to listen in to Chandler's half of the conversation. And, probably, Roxanne's half too, thanks to the bugging devices he installed in the Glenoak Police Department's phones -- for church purposes only, of course. Chandler tells Roxanne that he needs some time "to think" about how she doesn't want to marry him when he says so, and then hangs up on her. Roxanne looks slightly put out, and then, I hope, realizes how wrong it is that she just talked about personal issues while on the clock, on a work phone line, in the middle of the workplace.
Back at the church, Chandler sighs and turns around, only to see RevCam standing there with his hand cupped around his ear, since his ear trumpet wasn't handy. "Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear [sic]," RevCam lies, before asking Chandler what's going on with him and Roxanne. Chandler says he doesn't want to talk about it -- not while his clichéd heart is breaking into a million lame pieces. RevCam curtly and insincerely expresses his sympathies, and then starts talking about himself and how busy he's going to be today. None of his tasks, it should be noted, involve church business. Eric needs to find a new school for Simon, because PaulSmith's parents want him to leave town and blah blah exposition about stuff that happened last episode. I know people have commented about this before, but holy crap, that stained-glass window in RevCam's office sure is tacky. No self-respecting stained glass window would have shades of hot pink and neon green in it, not to mention a pattern of stripes and triangles. Chandler suggests that Simon "test out" of high school and go right to college this spring or fall. RevCam wants to know what Simon could do until then. Chandler suggests that he get a job. Puh-leeze. Only loser Camdens like Mary work to earn a living. The rest live apparently rent-free with their parents or marry rich. RevCam wants his son to have a senior year. Chandler says that he skipped his last year of high school for college, and that he's never regretted it. I'll bet his ex-classmates didn't regret his decision either. RevCam invites Chandler over for dinner so that he can talk to Simon about testing out of high school. Chandler says that his lack of a social life allows this to happen.
Back at Glenoak PD Blue, Roxanne says that she hopes Lucy will be more sympathetic than Kevin when she tells her all about the break-up at their weekly pizza night. Kevin says that he doesn't think there will even be a pizza night, as Lucy thought that Roxanne was going to be at the beach house and already made plans to be at a family dinner tonight. This is no problem for Roxanne, though; she'll just go to that and then talk to Lucy afterward. If she's already planning to talk to Lucy after dinner, then why does she need to be at the dinner at all? Can't she just make and eat her own dinner at home and then show up at Lucy's place afterwards? Kevin leaves to go to the bathroom. I guess the horribleness of this show finally got to him as well. With Kevin out of the way, Roxanne hurriedly dials the CamPound. In the CamKitchen, which is shrouded in darkness even though it's supposed to be daytime, Annie answers the phone almost immediately, probably because she sits by the phone all day and stares at it, waiting for it to ring and free her from the daily monotony. Roxanne asks Annie if she can have dinner with the Camdens tonight, because Chandler just dumped her and she doesn't want to be alone, and her dad is away somewhere, so the Camdens are the only thing close to a family she has right now. I'd never gotten the impression that she was very close to the Camdens, especially after last week when she arrived at the beach house and RevCam barely acknowledged her presence. Annie says that Roxanne is welcome to join them. Too little politeness too late, Roxanne asks if she can bring any food. Annie says that's not necessary. Roxanne takes this as an insult to her cooking, to which Annie expresses surprise that Roxanne did any cooking, to which Roxanne says that she does not, in fact, do any cooking. Well, that pointless dialogue burned up half a minute. Roxanne says she'll see Annie at 7, and then hangs up on her.
No sooner does Annie get rid of Roxanne than her phone rings again; this time it's Asslee. I'll bet Annie is wishing she was still talking to Roxanne now, doesn't she? Asslee is calling from her cell phone while walking along the Promenade. This is almost as ridiculous and unnecessary as the supposed reason why Asslee is calling; to inform the CamRents that it's not such a hot idea for Simon to come back to school, because there's a lot of "talk" about the accident. And then she invites herself over to the CamPound for dinner, under the pretense of wanting to talk to Simon. Annie, sounding only slightly irritated, assents to this. Asslee asks if Annie is mad at her for driving Simon to the airport. Annie says no, because "it wasn't [Asslee's] decision." What? Sure it was! He didn't hold a gun to her head or anything; he asked her for a ride and she decided to give him one. I guess in Annie's world, when a man asks a woman to do something, she must comply. Annie says that she hopes that Simon wasn't just using Asslee for a ride to the airport, and worries that Simon will hurt Asslee's feelings again if she comes over tonight. Asslee says that maybe she's been pushing too hard and she should just let Simon know that she'll be there for him if he needs her. At dinner at the CamPound, which she'll be there for at 7 sharp. As Annie gets off the phone with Asslee, SamVid, which has apparently been sitting in the kitchen this whole time, makes its first appearance of the episode to ask what's for dinner. Annie responds that "a big heaping bowl of trouble" is on tonight's menu. That should be a welcome change from the usual big heaping bowl of shit Annie usually serves.
Lucy comes home to the treehouse of newly-wedded bliss, disappointed to find that she didn't get back in time to catch Kevin in the shower. Needless to say, I am not disappointed. Lucy is happy to announce the her new class schedule has "no early-morning classes." This is probably because at Crawford Clown College, there are no classes. At any time of the day. Lucy tells Kevin about her talk with Carlos, and about how he's coming over tonight to tell the CamRents that he's their newest son-in-law. Kevin interrupts her to express his happiness about this because he hates keeping secrets. Lucy still thinks that Mary is pregnant, although Carlos didn't tell her anything. Kevin smirks that Lucy is wrong. Lucy changes the subject to Simon, and about how the trial is over and he's not going to school, because there may just be one person left in America who didn't understand what was going on after having it explained to him the first seventeen times. Kevin says that this could turn out for the best; being away from the CamPound will help Simon "grow up." Lucy says Simon isn't going away. Kevin says that he thinks he is, but that he wants to talk about Chandler and Roxanne now. He tells Lucy that they broke up, and she feels guilty for not returning Roxanne's numerous phone calls to her that day. Speak of the devil, Roxanne "knocks" and then rudely walks right into their apartment without waiting for an answer. Kevin sighs angrily and walks out so the girls can talk. Roxanne tells Lucy that she's suddenly realized that she doesn't want to married to Chandler -- ever -- because "he's like this holy man, and [she's] like...so UNholy." Unholy? Could that be because Roxanne is a WHORE? Because she has and/or once expressed a desire to have sex before marriage? Probably! Lucy tries to cheer her up by saying that she's not "exactly" unholy. Roxanne asks what that's supposed to mean, and Lucy stammers that she doesn't know what "unholy" means at all. In yet another rapid change of topics, Lucy suggests that dinner with the CamFam isn't such a good idea tonight because Mary will be there. "Is something going on with Mary?" Roxanne asks. Before Lucy can answer, Asslee comes upstairs and expresses her interest in Mary's business. Has she ever even met Mary? Anyway, I would start to talk about how rude it is that Asslee just walked into someone else's house without even pretending to knock like Roxanne at least did, but I'm too busy looking at the drag queen wig Asslee's passing off as today's latest hairstyle.
Kevin sits on a couch in the CamDen, using a newspaper to learn how to read. Chandler walks into the room after entering the house without knocking. Upon finding out that Roxanne is around, Chandler is less than pleased, but says he will stay for dinner because he was "invited." Kevin tries to get Chandler to leave, saying that Mary will be there and all the talking will be centered on her, and not Simon, because what's going on with Mary is a bigger deal than Simon's stuff right now.
Ruthie and Peter set the table as Ruthie explains how awesome life is now that Simon killed that guy. Peter Peter Braces Needer is worried that the CamRents will not be as "excited" as Ruthie is about Mary's marriage. "What if it's the straw that breaks the Camden's back?" he asks. Oh, ho ho, that Peter is a clever little guy! Ruthie says that everything will work out in the end. Peter doesn't think that Mary is pregnant, basing his opinion on whatever Kevin thinks. Ruthie asks him if he wants to put some money on it. "I can't take your money, sweetheart," Peter responds, thinking he's in a 1940s noir.
Over in the kitchen, RevCam puts on some oven mitts and takes a pie out of the oven. Annie runs up, takes the pie out of his hands, puts it back in the oven, slams the oven door, and the then dramatically spreads herself across it. Why? I don't know. Annie suggests that RevCam can go answer the doorbell if he wants to help.
RevCam answers the door to find Carlos, who has by now abandoned doorbell-ringing for knocking. RevCam instantly remembers Carlos and invites him in. They walk to the CamDen, where Chandler and Kevin are sitting around not talking to each other. Upon seeing Carlos, Kevin loudly whispers to Chandler who it is. They are introduced to Carlos, then run away. RevCam and Carlos invite each other to sit down. RevCam asks Carlos about his family. He responds that it's "getting bigger every day!"
Kevin and Chandler run into the dining room and tell Ruthie and Peter that Carlos is here. The four of them walk into the kitchen, where Ruthie perkily says that RevCam needs Annie in the living room. Annie asks who's here, to which all four people respond in unison that it's Carlos, the homeless guy Mary brought home one Christmas. Annie looks at them as if trying to figure out if they really are all speaking at the same time or she just put the wrong mushrooms in the pasta and is hallucinating again. Roxanne, Asslee, and Lucy enter from the back door. Team One says that Carlos is in the living room talking to RevCam. Team Two expresses its surprise. Annie gets a clue that something might be up.
RevCam and Carlos talk roundaboutedly about the importance of family. Carlos is doofy, but kind of charming. Seeing as everyone else on this show has all the charm of a dying fish, he really sticks out.
Simon and Mary finally come home. Because Happy is the only mammal left in this family who loves Mary, she comes up and says hello. She follows Mary and Simon, the only two people who ever paid any attention to her, into the living room. RevCam jumps up and gives Simon a manly hug as Mary and Carlos eye each other. RevCam close-talks to Simon that they need to talk after Eric talks to Annie. Then he walks up to Mary, hugs her, and says that they've missed her. Eric introduces Carlos to Mary and Simon as Annie runs in and hugs the daughter she constantly disparages and criticizes behind her back. Annie greets Simon and tells him not to run away anymore. RevCam points Carlos out to Annie, who also instantly remembers him from Christmas when Mary brought him home. Hey, do you think that Carlos was the guy who Mary brought home on Christmas once? Because I wasn't sure. The rest of the family and their assorted hangers-on pile in and hug Mary and Simon. Then Mary stands to Carlos and says that they actually ran into each other in New York, when Carlos was "at the airport, picking up his brother." That's right -- another successful couple brought together by the airport, the land of romance. I don't know if it's those always-dirty bathrooms or that finicky metal detector, but there's just something about the airport that makes people fall in love.
The CamRents nod and smile vacuously as Carlos goes on explain he and Mary started seeing each other. Annie says it's great that they're dating, and that they can talk about it over dinner. Mary says that they were dating. Aw, breaking up is tough, RevCam says, but it happens. Roxanne and Chandler eye each other as the camera rack-focuses for maximum impact. Carlos says that he's been trying to talk to them for a several months, but Mary adds that she was scared and wanted to change her mind, but now she doesn't. "You're engaged?" Annie says. Silence. "You're engaged?" RevCam says. Happy growls disapprovingly. "They're engaged!" Annie says, then walks up to hug and congratulate her daughter. At this point, even the twins know something is up, and they're possibly retarded four-year-olds. Annie finishes the hugs, then walks back to her mark to RevCam. Mary pathetically begs her parents not to hate her. RevCam says they could never hate her, even if she drank a full beer. They love her, no matter what. Sure. RevCam says it's time to eat, at which point Mary decides that she can do better than a recycled Matt storyline and announces that she and Carlos have been married since April. The shot of the twins looking at each other is replayed as the rest of the family smirks like the assholes they truly are. Mary stammers that she was going to have the marriage annulled because she was afraid to tell her parents. You know, if you're not mature enough to tell your parents that you're married, then you're probably not mature enough to be married. Carlos is both surprised and angry that Mary wanted to have the marriage annulled, and says so. Then he asks for a few minutes alone with his wife. The kids leave. The parents stay. Mary begs them not to leave. Carlos says that he has some things to say to her that he "can't say in front of [Mary's] parents." Mary says that that is why she doesn't want them to leave. Carlos basically says that this is none of their business. RevCam, the strong patriarch, walks his grimacing wife out of the room.
After a commercial break, Carlos angrily and rapidly speaks Spanish, because Brenda Hampton loves I Love Lucy and thus probably considers this some kind of homage. To me, it screams "rip-off," but to each her own. Mary fronts like she knows what Carlos is saying, but it turns out that she doesn't even know what "loco" means, although somehow she does know what "pollo" means, if not how to pronounce it. Carlos says that he didn't call her "chicken," he called her "crazy." Oh, that's much better. Mary is confused as to why people would eat crazy chickens. I have no idea what the hell is going on anymore. La Guitarra de Amor plays as Mary and Carlos start to laugh and express their love for each other. They take their wedding rings out of the rather unsafe places they were keeping them and put them back on their fingers. Then they make out while positioned awkwardly on the couch.
Peter and Ruthie debate Mary's pregnancy status while eating dinner. Peter suddenly realizes that no one, except the twins, is eating with them. "No one's hungwy," explains one half of SamVid. "Except for us," the other states, "we're vewy hungwwyyy." For human flesh. SamVid is curious as to why none of the Camdens were invited to Mary and Carlos's wedding, although I'd say that that question pretty much answers itself. Peter says that Mary and Carlos are "complicated." Ruthie asks him to explain. "Yeah," says the smaller twin. Then there's a long pause as the twins' handler probably gesticulates wildly off-camera to get the other twin to speak. "What do you meeeeean?" he finally asks. Peter says that Mary and Carlos are from different religions and "backgrounds." So are Matt and PC. And Kevin and Lucy, actually. And, if those rumors about her real parentage are true, you and Ruthie. Peter and Ruthie argue about whether or not Mary is pregnant. Again. Peter's so certain that she isn't that one must wonder if he's been spying on them to see if appropriate preventive measures were taken before the sex took place.
Chandler sits on the Camden's front steps trying to look contemplative. Roxanne's entrance into the scene is heralded by the Soprano Saxophone of Conflict Resolution. Roxanne sits down beside Chandler and hugs his arm. Chandler says he's not sure if taking a break was the right thing to do, but Roxanne says that she thinks that it is. "I can't marry you," she says with a big ol' grin on her face. "I can't be a preacher's wife; I'm not the preacher's wife type." No, you're not, you WHORE! Chandler asks if that's the only reason why she's won't marry him. Actually, says Roxanne, it's not; she never wanted to get married. She just wanted to play pretend. "Why do we ever have to get married?" Roxanne asks, full well knowing that Chandler's answer is that he wants to have sex already. Instead, he says that they don't have to get married. Roxanne's smile fades slightly, but not enough for me to think that she isn't a cold bitch. So she's risen a couple notches in my estimation. Now, I only intensely dislike her.
In the backyard, Asslee is trying not to push Simon too hard by asking if she can still call him and see him and visit his family and stuff. Simon shakes his head no. Hooray! No more Asslee! My life just got a little bit better. Asslee doesn't understand why they can't be friends; after all, they were friends "before [they] got into this relationship." No, Asslee, you weren't. Remember? He was the "escort," you were the fool paying for his services? Simon says that he can't be anyone's friend right now. Asslee says she'll "miss [him] everywhere." Asslee walks out the gate, probably into some unfortunate Camden neighbor's back yard. I don't know if I can say enough about how bad an actress she is, or how she alone destroyed what could have been, in the hands of a more capable person, a good scene. So I won't.
Simon sulks on the park bench the Camdens, for some reason, have in their back yard. RevCam takes this as his cue to come out from behind the bush he was spying from and start talking about Mary. He hopes it's "not just her first marriage." What? Is he saying that he hopes that she'll get a divorce and go on to marry as many men as possible? Then he says that he hopes that Mary and Carlos will be happy "for the rest of their stupid lives." That's some great parenting, there. Eric says he was going to talk to Annie about Simon's future school plans, but he lost his nerve. I wonder how he manages to walk without possessing a spine. Eric continues that Simon can "test out" of school instead of transferring. What's wrong with transferring anyway? No one ever explained why changing schools was not a possibility for Simon or Justin. RevCam says that Simon can skip his senior year and attend a community college. Simon insults community college students everywhere by saying that he thinks he can do better than that. He wants to go to a "real" college. Oh, I guess that rules out Crawford Clown College. Indeed it does, as Simon says that his choice of a real college would be as far away as possible. RevCam doesn't understand why Simon wants to be away from his friends and family. Simon says that everyone's feeling sorry for him is driving him crazy and making things worse. He wants to go through the "process" of dealing with what happened on his own, and he doesn't want people around who will make it easier. RevCam shows that he hasn't been listening at all by saying that the process will be easier with friends and family around. Simon says he doesn't want it to be easy, then gets all profound and says that something has to come out of the accident, and he wants to figure out what that is. David Gallagher delivers his lines really well here, I think. RevCam says that maybe he can help, if Simon would let him. He does a little "you and me, together" motion with his fists as he speaks. How cheesy. "Surgeons shouldn't operate on their own families, Dad," Simon says. Too true. RevCam says that he and Annie aren't "ready" to "let" Simon leave. Simon says that he's ready, and when he eventually talks to Justin, he wants to have something to say besides "I'm sorry," and being with his family won't help him get ready for that. The only thing Simon knows right now is how sorry he is about running over PaulSmith. He's "so horribly sorry." RevCam has nothing to say to this, so he settles for hugging.
Kevin and Lucy lie in bed and talk about how hungry they are, "now." I hope it's not because they were just doing any kind of activity that would increase their metabolism. Kevin says their food options include stealing dinner from their family or going out and getting something. Apparently, the stove in the garage apartment doesn't work. Nor do the electrical outlets one would use to plug in a microwave. And somehow it's also impossible for them to keep some of those cheese and cracker sandwiches around. Lucy says that she doesn't want to have a baby. Like Roxanne, Lucy would rather talk about important life events than actually do them. Women are so fickle that way, don't you think? Lucy says that once she graduates college and they've spent time together as a couple, then she'll be ready. "Whenever you're ready," Kevin says, then asks what changed her mind. Lucy says seeing Mary did it. She wants telling her family that she's pregnant to be a "wonderful" moment, not a scary one. Because Mary does everything wrong, we know. Lucy says that she thinks that Mary hasn't told Carlos about the baby, but that he knows anyway. I guess Lucy and Carlos read the script during their coffee talk.
Annie wrings her hands and wonders what happened to her daughter. Mary used to be a straight-A student (I guess Annie is forgetting the episode where Mary was failing trigonometry) and a star basketball player. Then she sort of vandalized the high school gym and now she's a homeless crack whore whose life is ruined forever. Oh, wait -- no she isn't. She's an independent adult with a full-time job and what seems to be a good marriage to a decent guy. Shut up, Annie. RevCam says that, now that Mary has a wise patriarch in her life to tell her what to do, things might get better. Suddenly, Annie remembers that she has other children who actually do need her and asks if the twins ever ate their dinner. RevCam says they did. Annie asks about Simon. Eric says that he hasn't eaten yet, but that Eric will make sure that Simon does. "Just make sure he doesn't leave home and end up married to someone [the CamRents] don't know, and especially make sure he doesn't leave home. He's going nowhere until he finishes college," Annie says. She is so unstable. When are the authorities going to come and take her children away? RevCam sits as far away from her as possible while still being able to put a reassuring hand on her shoulder and promises that everything will be fine. Annie just hopes that Mary isn't pregnant, thinking that the reason why she told them about her marriage was because she knew she was going to have a baby. Maybe she just wanted to tell her parents that she was married because, even though they're spiteful little people, she loves them and wanted them to share in her happiness? Like the rest of the men on this episode, RevCam doesn't think that Mary's pregnant. I'm not sure what kind of message Brenda's trying to send us by implying that women have some sort of uncanny ability to sense out other pregnant women.
Carlos and Mary sit on the couch and wonder when the CamRents will come downstairs talk to them. Mary tries to tell Carlos a "funny" story about something that happened when she was in Glenoak a few months ago, but she keeps losing her nerve and says that she'll just tell him about it later. Mary doesn't know how to talk to anyone about anything important. This must be quite a handicap in the workplace; I can just imagine her needing to shout orders to passengers in the event of an emergency landing, only to chicken out and have them all die because they weren't in the proper crash positions. Carlos wisely says that he'd like to hear it now, instead of being surprised by it in front of her family again. Mary realizes that Carlos already knows what she's going to say anyway, so she finally, after a few seconds of what passes for suspense on this show, says that she's pregnant. Carlos pumps his fists in the air and says "yes!" That was kind of cute. They hug, then Mary says something in Spanish about how she's a hen who's insanely embarrassed. Mary and Carlos hug again, and Mary smiles happily as the scene fades to black. I cry tears of unbearable sadness because Mary's going to have a baby and I'm going to have to see it. For whatever I did to deserve this, I'm sorry. I'm so horribly sorry.
And the previews for week's show contain clips of Simon's accident, just like the previews for this episode did, even though there was no such footage in the show. There's also clips from today's and last week's shows posing as clips for week's episode. Can't they send you to jail for lying on television?