I'll admit it: I was looking forward to this week's episode because the trailers that were shown about it last week and right before the show started contained scenes of the accident. After hearing so much about it last week, we were finally going to see the real thing. Awesome.
But we'll just have to be patient, because when the show opens, we seem to be in the middle of a big city. Car horns honk and the camera pans up to reveal tall buildings. I don't think we're in Glenoak anymore, Happy. We must be at Matt's New York City hospital. Hmmm...this show is getting too close to my location for my liking. Get back on your own coast, Brenda! Simon buys some kind of apple pastry from a vending machine. Just in case you're ever in Matt's hospital and you, too, want to partake of this confectionery delight, it's on the "D-5" shelf. Mary comes out from behind the vending machine and exasperatedly tells Simon that she's been looking everywhere for him. Oh, hello, Mary. Wish I could say that it's nice to see you again, but...you know. Simon grouses that he's been at the hospital all night waiting for her to come pick him up. Mary says that she didn't get in until 2 that morning, and then didn't check her messages until now. 2 this morning? Hot damn, looks like Mary went out and got herself a life. Simon is also pissed that Mary didn't tell him that Matt wasn't in town. Mary says she assumed that Simon would call Matt and check before he asked her to get him a ticket. Ah, so that's so he could afford a last-minute cross country plane trip -- it was a free JetBlue ticket. Simon's going to wish he wasn't so stingy when the Defense Department comes knocking on his door because JetBlue gave them his passenger information.
Simon asks about Carlos. Mary pretends that she doesn't know who that is, although there's a pretty good chance that she just forgot who he was. After all, she's not the brightest candle on the birthday cake. After more pushing from Simon, Mary admits that Carlos is her new husband. Simon's reaction is an annoyed/pained/not too surprised "whaaat?" Then he stares at Mary's chest. We get a nice Simon's-eye-view of this as he looks down Mary's body, settling on her crotch. Simon, I know you're a seventeen-year-old full of raging hormones, but...damn. She's your sister! Control yourself. Sounding only a little skeeved out, Mary asks Simon what he's looking at. "Nothing," he says. Well, that's not very nice. I mean, Mary's cups may not runneth over like Lucy's, but she does have something there. I know a lot of girls who have less. There's an awkward silence, then Simon says he's ready to go back to Glenoak with Mary, adding that he's glad that Mary's newest screw-up will take some of the attention off of his. Mary comfortingly tells him that everything will be okay, which is more than he deserves after that comment, really. Simon walks away, turning his head to stare at his sister's body again as he goes. "What are you looking at?" Mary asks. "Nothing!" Simon says, just like in "The Ambiguously Gay Duo" on SNL, except not funny and with lower production values.
They've actually added Jessica Biel to the opening credits, making them longer than ever. It's like you get stuck at a railroad crossing, and you have to wait for this impossibly long freight train to pass. Except then the train wrecks, which would be the show.
“ Annie can't believe that Ruthie will be in high school year, or that the twins will be in kindergarten. I can't believe that either, unless it's kindergarten at a special school for the developmentally delayed. ”
CamPound exterior. For the Opening Credits Timewaster, we get to watch O.C.D. Annie scrub the hell out of her glass stovetop. She's got a counter full of cleaning products, but she's elected to use the bizarre cleaning combination of Windex and a toothbrush. Yes, a toothbrush. They always tell you not to clean a glass surface with a brush because it scratches, but Annie's a rebel. A rebel who's going to get little food particles and germs stuck in those tiny scratches that will then transfer to other, soon-to-be-ingested food products, thus giving the entire family E.coli. Sounds fine to me. Ruthie trots into the kitchen and announces her imminent departure. This turns out to be a mistake, as Annie grabs her, attempting to suffocate her youngest daughter within the folds of her ample bosom. Sadly, she is unsuccessful, and Ruthie will live to see another day. Annie can't believe that Ruthie will be in high school year, or that the twins will be in kindergarten. I can't believe that either, unless it's kindergarten at a special school for the developmentally delayed. And shouldn't those two be in nursery school by now? My parents had me in nursery school by the time I was three years old, the slave drivers. Annie then provides us all with helpful exposition of Simon's current education situation just in case you didn't see last week's episode. Or maybe you did see it, but had to leave the room several times to barf, thus causing you to miss important parts. Ruthie says that Simon's "not going to turn out like Mary." Annie says that that's what she's afraid of. Yeah, it would be just terrible if Simon ended up with an independent life and a full-time job that provides a decent wage. Annie tells Ruthie that Mary is coming back to Glenoak with Simon, and that they'll all be having dinner together. Annie's going to be happy to see Mary because she misses her. Yet for some odd reason, I doubt that Mary misses her. It might have something to do with all the crap her mother talks about her behind her back. Annie claims to want Mary to come back to Glenoak for good. I guess Annie shouldn't have kicked her out, then. Ruthie expresses her doubts that Mary will return "now," meaning "now" that she thinks Mary's pregnant. Annie bends over to stare Ruthie in the face and find out what she means by that. Catherine Hicks has to bend over quite a bit, too. Wow, either Mackenzie Rosman's really short, or Catherine Hicks is from the lost tribe of Amazon women. Ruthie stammers that she has to meet Peter and go to school, before scampering away. Annie rolls her eyes around crazily.
Carlos and Lucy talk. In profile, Carlos's hair actually looks worse. He tells Lucy that tonight is the night he tells the CamRents that he's their new son-in-law, whether Mary wants him to or not. Lucy says that Mary will be home for dinner tonight, to which Carlos responds that he does, in fact, talk to his wife from time to time, so he already knew this, and just because Mary is eating dinner with her parents doesn't mean that she'll tell them anything. After all, she didn't tell them last time she was in town. Carlos says he told Mary that he'll be telling the CamRents whether she shows up or not, because he wants them to know, and because they should know. Lucy asks if there's a reason why Carlos feels compelled to tell them tonight. He says that it's "now or never."
“ To Roxanne's credit, she summons up unbelievable restraint and does not shove her nightstick up Kevin's ass. Maybe she realized that there was no way she could fit it in there anyway, crowded as it is with all manner of bugs and other, bigger, sticks. ”
Officer Kevin walks around the police station attempting to perfect the art of looking busy without actually doing anything. He is interrupted by Roxanne, who rushes over to him and says that they need to talk. Kevin's surprised to see her; he thought she was still on vacation. Roxanne says that she decided to work instead, because she needs to "keep busy." Then she tears up, becoming a disgrace to female police officers everywhere. Kevin is initially concerned that someone is hurt or has died, to warrant all this emotion, but it turns out that she's crying because Chandler dumped her. Off-camera, of course, but that's okay, because when exposition dialogue negates having to watch an emotion-filled scene with Roxanne and Chandler, it's really the lesser of two evils. Kevin's answer to Roxanne's plight is an unsympathetic "I'm not surprised." Roxanne asks why that is, to which Kevin responds that this is what Roxanne gets for not marrying Chandler. Roxanne doesn't understand how this is a good reason to break up with someone; frankly, neither do I, especially since Roxanne said that she would marry Chandler, just after a longer engagement than he wanted. Kevin explains that "if [Roxanne doesn't] want to get married and [Chandler] does, what's a guy supposed to do?...it isn't about what [Roxanne] want[s] and [doesn't] want this time...it's about what he wants and doesn't want. Respect that." Then he walks away. To Roxanne's credit, she summons up unbelievable restraint and does not shove her nightstick up his ass. Maybe she realized that there was no way she could fit it in there anyway, crowded as it is with all manner of bugs and other, bigger, sticks.
Instead, Roxanne pathetically runs to a phone and calls Chandler, who's at the church. She tells him that she needs to talk to him, to which he says that he needs some more time away from her. Then RevCam creeps up behind Chandler, realizes that there's a private conversation going on, and starts to listen in to Chandler's half of the conversation. And, probably, Roxanne's half too, thanks to the bugging devices he installed in the Glenoak Police Department's phones -- for church purposes only, of course. Chandler tells Roxanne that he needs some time "to think" about how she doesn't want to marry him when he says so, and then hangs up on her. Roxanne looks slightly put out, and then, I hope, realizes how wrong it is that she just talked about personal issues while on the clock, on a work phone line, in the middle of the workplace.
Back at the church, Chandler sighs and turns around, only to see RevCam standing there with his hand cupped around his ear, since his ear trumpet wasn't handy. "Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear [sic]," RevCam lies, before asking Chandler what's going on with him and Roxanne. Chandler says he doesn't want to talk about it -- not while his clichd heart is breaking into a million lame pieces. RevCam curtly and insincerely expresses his sympathies, and then starts talking about himself and how busy he's going to be today. None of his tasks, it should be noted, involve church business. Eric needs to find a new school for Simon, because PaulSmith's parents want him to leave town and blah blah exposition about stuff that happened last episode. I know people have commented about this before, but holy crap, that stained-glass window in RevCam's office sure is tacky. No self-respecting stained glass window would have shades of hot pink and neon green in it, not to mention a pattern of stripes and triangles. Chandler suggests that Simon "test out" of high school and go right to college this spring or fall. RevCam wants to know what Simon could do until then. Chandler suggests that he get a job. Puh-leeze. Only loser Camdens like Mary work to earn a living. The rest live apparently rent-free with their parents or marry rich. RevCam wants his son to have a senior year. Chandler says that he skipped his last year of high school for college, and that he's never regretted it. I'll bet his ex-classmates didn't regret his decision either. RevCam invites Chandler over for dinner so that he can talk to Simon about testing out of high school. Chandler says that his lack of a social life allows this to happen.