This recap is dedicated to Jamie, whose twenty-second birthday is today -- miss you.
Last time on This Goddamn Show, Det. Michaels and Lou were about to tell RevCam some bad news, Lucy was afraid she might be pregnant, Simon was going to the prom with a prostitute, Mary cried to the dad from The Wonder Years about how she got married and that was a big mistake, and Ruthie Became A Woman. And now with that out of the way, I'd like to give mad props to Cate, Alex Richmond, Sars, and all the awesome people in the forums. As this season gets underway, I will need you more and more. In fact, it might be a good idea to start collecting money now for my future stint in rehab.
The show opens with RevCam walking along a beach dressed like a J.Crew ad. He scratches his butt, only to be interrupted by SamVid and Happy. SamVid hug Parental Unit One in order to get close enough to him to suck out just a little bit more of his soul. Soon they will have all of his Life Force and they will become even more powerful. Lucy wanders into the corner of the screen and asks RevCam how he's doing. He's okay and so is Lucy, which sets my mind right at ease until she adds that she's only "as okay as any of us." How cryptic! I wonder if this has anything to do with that exciting, suspense-filled moment at the end of the last show? Kevin, a.k.a. "T-1000," a.k.a. "Mr. Lucy Camden," walks up and comments on the nice weather, although, from where I'm sitting, it looks cloudy and windy. And because no scene on this show is complete without irritating the holy hell out of me, Ruthie walks up, followed by her lame tampon-buying boyfriend Peter. Brenda Hampton said in a recent Entertainment Weekly that the actor who plays Peter got a visit from the "puberty fairy" over the summer, but it looks like he could use a couple more taps from the magic puberty wand. RevCam asks where Simon is, to which everyone responds by looking sad, or, in Kevin's case, bored. No one inquires as to Annie's whereabouts, so either she's dead or they don't care.
It's the latter, apparently, as we see Annie talking to an angry-looking Simon somewhere else on the beach. She's begging him to do something with the family on this, the last day of vacation. "I don't want to be on vacation. I don't want to have a picnic on the beach," Simon replies sullenly. Wow, he sounds just like my brother on our family vacations. Annie presses her way-too-painted lips together and tells him that "it" was an accident. Simon just sighs, and we see a wide shot of CamFam vacation house, which is, of course, unrealistically gigantic. I guess another old bag croaked and left her mansion to the church. I wonder if RevCam and the local estate lawyer have some kind of shady deal going on where the lawyer encourages feeble-minded old people to leave huge amounts of property to the church, and then RevCam gives him God's blessing in return.
And it's time for this season's new opening credits, which now feature so many people that I think they actually had to slightly extend the angelic singing at the end of the theme music to fit them all. Poor old Happy is fast becoming the only original character left on the show. There's got to be better opportunities for her somewhere. Even a commercial for a local pet shop would be preferable.
Whoa, Marcia Wallace is guest starring in this episode? Awesome! She's my third-favourite Match Game sixth chair panelist, following Betty White and Fannie Flagg! My least favorite is, and will forever remain, Patti Deutsch. For the Opening Credits Timewaster, Kevin and Lucy pack and look at each other amorously. Then Kevin throws the suitcase off the bed so they can have more room for their make-out session, which lasts about three seconds. Well, they are newlyweds. Lucy and Kevin break apart and laugh like dorks while the episode writer's name flashes on the screen. Horrors, it's Brenda Hampton. This is going to suck so bad. Kevin says that they've had a tough summer, and Lucy sadly nods her agreement. Then Kevin rapidly switches topics and says that ever since Lucy told him that she thought she might be pregnant, he's been really happy. Not because she ended up not being pregnant, but because one day they will have kids together and he can't wait. Well, that's nice. They've wrapped up one of last season's big cliffhangers with three lines of exposition dialogue. Don't get me wrong: I really am glad that Brenda is sparing me from seeing any more of that stupid plotline. I mean, sure, it's a terrible way to tell stories, but the important thing is that I don't have to deal with a mini-Lucy or a Kevlet. Kevin says that he wants to have children; Lucy says that she wants to finish school first. What school? Oh, that's right; Lucy attends classes at Crawford Clown College twice a season, on their "fast-track" degree program. Kevin says that he needs something "life-affirming" right now. Well, that's a great reason to have kids. You know, if you're an idiot.
Peter, Ruthie, and SamVid play Go Fish. Ruthie asks one of the twins -- the one whose growth is stunted, which is the only way I can tell them apart -- if he has kings, but he shoots her down. The bigger twin says that he does have kings, to which his brother retorts (yes, actually retorts -- as in, he speaks like a normal person), "No, I don't." At this point, a tiny flicker of hope ignited somewhere in my cold, dark soul that this season, we were going to see the twins as two separate and distinct individuals instead of a hand-holding collective. Not like I really want to give a Camden any more screen time, but those pod toddlers really creep me out. Peter Peter Hoyle's Rules of Cards Reader lectures that if the twin has a king, he has to give it to Ruthie. The kid sort of tells him to shut it. I like this twin. He's a lot cooler than his tattletale brother. Peter and Ruthie start to talk about how much fun this vacation has been; Ruthie says it's the best vacation she's ever had. Knowing what is revealed later about why they're actually on this vacation, I can't believe she said that. Although I guess if I were an evil sociopath like Ruthie, a vacation spent with my emotionally fragile mother and depressed brother would be a lot of fun. Peter tells Ruthie he's glad that she invited him. I'm still trying to figure out how the CamRents can afford to take their real children on vacation, let alone their daughter's boyfriend.
The twins interrupt the crappy couple with some obnoxious kissy noises. Peter asks them why they have to tease him so much. "Because we wuv yooooou!" the smaller twin says. "We wuv yoooou," the bigger twin repeats. "And you wuv Wuuuthieee," says Twin One. "You wuvvvv Wuthie," repeats Twin Two. Sigh. Their individuality was good while it lasted. Now they're back to being SamVid. They stand up and make more kissy sounds until Peter jumps up as if to chase them. They "run" away "screaming." Ruthie says that she feels guilty about having such a good time. Peter says he "feel[s] badly for Simon too, but [he's] still having a good time." With such disregard for the feelings of others, those two are a match made in heaven. In "seventh" heaven, that is! Oh, I kill me. No, seriously. These twins are making me suicidal.
RevCam unpacks a pic-a-nic basket (tm Yogi Bear) with a big ol' frown on his face. Come on, RevCam! Turn that frown upside down! It takes 47 muscles to frown, but only three to smile! The reason why I'm so jovial and optimistic is because RevCam and my feelings are inversely proportional to each other. When he's happy, I'm sad. When he's sad, I'm happy. When he had a heart attack, my heart grew three sizes. RevCam hears a noise outside and goes to investigate, only to find the dopiest-looking burglar ever, including the Hamburgler. Oh wait, that's not a burglar at all -- that's Chandler…Hampton, who is starting this season off wrong by sporting a half-mullet and about twenty extra pounds, most of which seems to be in his face. I think Chandler's been to one too many church bake sales. Anyway, it turns out that RevCam and Chandler are so stupid that they don't even know how to plan vacations around each other; RevCam thought he was scheduled until tomorrow, and RevChan thought he was leaving yesterday. The fact that they're sharing this beach house makes my theory about the estate lawyer even more sound. Also, this mix-up is completely and totally RevCam's fault, since he said he wanted to be back in Glenoak "for the weekend," so obviously he meant that he would be out of there by Saturday morning at the very latest. Roxanne walks up and stands around in the background with nothing to do. Chandler says it's too long of a drive back to Glenoak for them to turn around, although it can't be that long of a drive if RevCam is planning to leave on Sunday morning and get the family home in time for church. The two pastors bicker some more, then stand around awkwardly until Simon realizes that this is his cue to come outside. Roxanne asks him how he is, to which he gives a curt and sassy reply. She ignores that and says she's been worried about him. Simon says that people being worried about him "makes it worse," then supplies this helpful nugget of exposition: "[Simon] killed someone. And don't say it was an accident, because it was an accident that happened when [he] was driving. [He is] responsible for killing someone."
Let's take a short moment here to pause and reflect on what we have just heard. One of the Camdens has killed someone in a car accident that wasn't even shown to us, but revealed in passing. Brenda could have ended last season with Simon getting in a car accident and us not knowing if he would be okay or not, but instead, she chose to make this as uninteresting and non-suspenseful as possible by making the entire event and the three months after it happen off-screen. So now we get to see RevCam and Chandler fighting over precious, precious beach house time while the actual exciting event of the show is relegated to exposition dialogue. I didn't think I could hate this show anymore than I already do, and then Brenda does something cheap and, quite frankly, mean, like this and I manage to squeeze out just a little bit more raw hatred.
Simon walks away, and RevCam sighs sadly. Chandler asks how Simon is doing, as if the answer to that question weren't painfully obvious. Chandler reveals that there is a trial coming up, which is apparently happening because the Camdens' crappy insurance company isn't giving the dead kid's family as much money as they want. RevCam says that Simon doesn't have to go to the trial, but "he should. It was an accident." And Simon going to court will make him realize that…how? Wouldn't having to see the grieving family of the guy he killed make him feel even worse? Chandler realizes that he is being a selfish prick by trying to cut The Camdens' Vacation of Family Healing (Plus Peter) short, and says that he and Roxanne will stay at a hotel. RevCam says that Chandler and Roxanne don't have to leave -- there are plenty of rooms available at the Beach Mansion. In fact, there's a room for Chandler and another, very much separate room for Roxanne, "unless, of course, [they] decide to get married tonight." Yes, of course -- pressure two people to be joined in holy matrimony so you can free up a bedroom. Whatever; it's not any stupider than any of the other reasons why people on this show get married.
Chandler nixes the idea, saying that he would prefer "to leave…and come back." Brilliant! "Come back married?" RevCam asks. Whoa, RevCam, settle down. Chandler says he doesn't want to discuss his non-marriage to Roxanne "again," which indicates that Eric's been needling him about this all summer. Of course, we wouldn't know since we haven't seen it. "Okay. No judgment," RevCam says. The most gullible person on the planet rolls his eyes in complete disbelief at that statement. Chandler says that RevCam really doesn't have the right to be uppity, since "[he doesn't] know that [they're] doing anything." This is when I realized that RevCam was all into their getting married because he disapproves of an unmarried couple staying in the same house overnight. He doesn't care about his co-worker's happiness; he just wants to keep up appearances and make sure his flock is upholding his fine tradition of morality. Eric does not respond to Chandler, instead preferring to suck on the inside of his cheek like a smug bastard. Chandler explains that Roxanne is reluctant to get married. RevCam insinuates something along the lines of Roxanne not needing to buy the cow when she can get the milk for free. Wait, so are those two doing it? That was another "cliffhanger," right? Surely a clear answer will be revealed to us before the end of the episode. Chandler asks Eric when he's leaving. RevCam says that whether the Camdens are at the Beach Mansion or not, "God knows what [Chandler and Roxanne are] doing." Yeah, but I bet He won't have to don a hooded sweatshirt, hide in the bushes outside, and peer in through the windows while lying to his family that he's going out for ice cream.
RevCam comes inside the house to resume unpacking the picnic basket, like, how much stuff did they put in there anyway? SamVid enters the room and announces that it requires sustenance in order to function at optimum levels. At this point, I really thought (and hoped) that they were going to smack RevCam over the head with a frying pan and then devour him, thus earning the episode an "A+," but no. RevCam offers them a snack, but they want dinner. Unfortunately, SuperMom is asleep, and she's apparently the only person in the whole wide world who's capable of preparing meals. SamVid frets that Annie will sleep through dinner and into tomorrow. RevCam says that that won't happen, to which SamVid looks at him incredulously. RevCam backpedals and says that Annie only slept through dinner once, and he was able to fashion them some banana sandwiches, so dinner was saved. SamVid is not amused. RevCam gets creeped out enough by his scary children to relent, and offers to drive them to a restaurant. SamVid requests "something gooooood," "in case there's no dinner." Wow, it's really pretty sad that children this young are worried that they won't get dinner tonight. Sounds like Annie spent this summer abusing her kids again.
RevCam leads SamVid outside, where they encounter Simon, who's busy sitting on the fence looking at the ocean. RevCam asks if he wants to join them for food at "Captain Crabby's Crabhouse," which is both the most unoriginal and least appetizing name for a restaurant ever. Simon volunteers to drive. Eric pauses, then takes out his car keys and offers them to Simon. Simon gets all huffy that his dad hesitated, saying that if Eric really thought the accident wasn't Simon's fault, he wouldn't be afraid to let SamVid drive with him. "I wasn't going that fast, Dad," Simon says, "I wasn't going any faster than anyone else. I didn't see him, okay? I didn't see him! He came out of nowhere." Another piece of the "how did the accident happen?" puzzle has been provided, although this wouldn't even be necessary if Brenda had just allowed us to actually see what happened instead of having to hear about it through unexciting expository dialogue. Simon picturesquely walks onto the beach. RevCam stands around looking helpless and pained as Lucy and Kevin enter. They both volunteer to talk to Simon, but RevCam says that he'll do it. Lucy says that RevCam's had too many talks with Simon and he hasn't even had a real vacation. SamVid whines about going to Captain Crabby's, because they're brats. Lucy says that she'll take the twins to Crabby's Crabbing Crab Crabs and Kevin will talk to Simon; RevCam can enjoy his last day of vacation with a nap. Because you can't take naps at home, so that's a worthwhile thing to do on vacation. RevCam agrees. By the way, where are Ruthie and Peter during all this? Shouldn't Rev "All Unmarried Couples Should Be At Least Fifty Feet Away From Each Other At All Times" Cam be trying to piss on their fun parade right about now?
Guess not, since RevCam goes to his bedroom, where Annie is sleeping. Some people look absolutely angelic when they sleep. But not Annie. RevCam whines about not knowing how to get the CamFam through this ordeal. Well, Ruthie and the twins seem to be doing just fine, so you're already on your way, aren't you, Eric? Annie groans because her selfish ass of a husband has woken her up with his noisy chatter. RevCam says that he wasn't talking to Annie; he was talking to "you," and then he looks up. He was talking to the ceiling? Oh, right: God. "I'll be right here," Eric whispers to the Lord seductively, pointing to the bed. God's all, "Not tonight, honey. I have a headache."
Suddenly it's nighttime, and Eric and Annie are still sleeping. Well, now they're never going to get any sleep tonight. Way to ruin your circadian rhythms, there, guys. RevCam wakes up and sees that it's a little past midnight. He springs out of bed, something I sure as hell wouldn't be able to do after an eight-hour-long nap, and runs downstairs, where everyone is playing cards in the dark. A honking big mansion like that and they don't even have a television? Or a lamp? The twins have fallen asleep in their chairs, although they are still holding their playing cards upright, which sort of looks more like the onset of rigor mortis than sleep to me, but I shouldn't get my hopes up. Especially because one of them is blinking, so obviously he's not dead. Nor is he capable of following directions. RevCam says he'll make some dinner; he's been itching to try out a new recipe he found on the internet. It consists of mixing corn flakes and milk in a bowl, then serving cold. Eric's not sure he'll be able to pull it off, but he's willing to try! Lucy says that there's no need; Annie came down earlier and made something, then went back to bed. So I guess Annie's mental deal this year is going to be "depression." Well, it's better than "pregnant" or "menopausal." Kevin and Lucy take the twins up to bed and Ruthie says that Cecilia is here. Aw, crap.
Simon and Asslee walk along the beach. Asslee whines about how Simon won't let her help him. "It's been three months," she says, as if that means that enough time has passed and Simon should just get over it already. Simon tells Asslee he doesn't want to talk to her. Asslee squeaks that that's okay, as long as she can be with him. Simon says no to that too. I guess the accident made him realize that life is too short to date girls with no acting talent whose famous-ish sisters got them parts on terrible television shows. Good for him; growing up is all about learning lessons like these. Simon says that school is starting week and it's going to be a "living hell" for him, and there's no reason for it to be one for her too. Asslee has no apparent reaction to this, but I guess Simon read something in her blank facial expression, because he says, "What? You think I'm feeling sorry for myself? 'Cause I'm not. I'm feeling sorry for the kid I ran over, and his brother and his parents." No, you're not, Simon. If you were, you wouldn't begin every sentence you've uttered about the accident with "I." Asslee says that the dead kid's brother has been Simon's classmate for four years, so he must know by now that Simon isn't a bad guy and didn't mean to kill his brother. Thanks to Annie, he probably also knows that Simon is a virgin. Simon very astutely points out that no one could be that understanding, adding that "if it had been [him], and some guy in his car had come along and hit Ruthie, [does Asslee] think [Simon] would have just went up [sic] to him in school and said, 'It's okay, I know you didn't mean to do it'?" No, I would also expect you to give him a high-five and a thank-you card.
Kevin comes downstairs to answer the phone. What rude bastard calls a house with young children this late? "Is that you, Detective Michaels?" Kevin asks. Oh, that kind of rude bastard. The only explanation I can think of for why Det. Michaels is calling the Camden beach house this late and not giving his name until directly confronted is that he was making a crank call. You think he would at least have used one of those voice distortion things, though. I wonder if he was going to ask if the Camdens' refrigerator is running, or just breathe heavily for a minute and then hangs up? Kevin listens for about three more seconds, then tells Det. Michaels that he will give RevCam the message, and Eric will decide how to "handle it." We then see a shot of the Glenoak Community Church. I never realized how damn big that place was. Also, someone has written "Thou Shalt Not Kill" on the church sign in dramatic red spray paint. The flute tweetles sadly. I didn't even know flutes could do that, but there you go. I must say, I admire the choice of fonts used on the church sign. I'm not usually a big fan of serifs, but they seem right here. ["Desperate to find something positive to say, are we?" -- Sars]
And we're back at the CamPound. I miss the Beach Mansion already. RevCam enters the house and tells everyone to get ready for church. Peter starts to follow Ruthie upstairs until RevCam clears his throat and makes a "where do you think you're going, young man?" gesture. Hey, if you're going to invite a guy on vacation with you, then it's really your own damn fault if he starts acting like he's a part of the family. Peter says he's taking Ruthie's bags up to her like a good little whipped boyfriend, and RevCam assents. As soon as Peter goes upstairs, RevCam rushes to the phone and calls Kevin, who ridiculously answers the police phone with "hello." No "Glenoak Police Department, Officer Kinkirk speaking" or anything like that. That place has got to be the most unprofessional police station ever. RevCam asks about the sign; Kevin says that he and his fellow officers got the sign cleaned up by sunrise, and he doesn't think many people saw it. I guess cleaning church signs is part of police business when the entire force is being paid off by the pastor. RevCam is worried that Simon will find out about it anyway. Kevin is more concerned with skipping church to take a nap. I wouldn't mind skipping this show to take a nap. Hell, I wouldn't mind skipping this show to wax my armpits or something equally painful. RevCam hangs up as Annie comes downstairs and angrily asks what's going on.
Back at the police station, Det. Michaels swaggers over to Kevin's desk and says that they found the graffiti culprit, "not that it was too hard to figure out." Really? I imagine the list of suspects would have been quite lengthy. Did you get busted for graffiti recently, Sars? You know, I thought I recognized your handwriting, but I didn't want to say anything. Oh, it turns out it was Justin, the dead kid's brother. Det. Michaels nosily asks if the CamRents have considered transferring Simon to a different school, and then inquires about the upcoming trial. Det. Michaels still, after three months, doesn't understand why they're even having a trial in the first place. Well, it did take the guy like thirty years to get a promotion; it's safe to say that he's not the sharpest pin in the cushion. Kevin exposits that the dead kid's family wants more than the insurance company wants to pay. "No matter how much they get, it won't bring their son back," Det. Michaels says. Are they trying to spin this so that we think that the dead kid's parents are greedy and thus unlikable? Shut up, Brenda. Kevin says that he just wishes that "it hadn't of [sic] been Simon," meaning that it's okay that the kid died, but a total bummer that Simon is the one getting in trouble. ["I kind of agree, if only because Simon was the only even marginally likable Camden left." -- Sars] Det. Michaels says that nothing they can do can change the fact that it was Simon. Thanks for that pearl of wisdom, Detective; before you spoke, I was wondering why RevCam didn't just fashion a time machine, take it back to before the accident, and stop it from ever happening, but now I see that this is just not possible.
RevCam and Annie are all up in each other's faces. "How are we gonna do that?" RevCam says. "Why are you asking me?" Annie replies. Then Simon comes downstairs, so they lamely pretend that they were fighting over who gets the shower first. Simon announces that he doesn't want to go to church today. In a reaction shot, Annie is smiling. Has someone been putting Valium in her juice lately? Well, it's about time. Simon says he needs some time to himself. The CamRents agree in unison, making Simon suspicious that they also don't want him to go to church for some reason. RevCam says that his reason is Simon's reason. Soon enough, all the talking in circles gets everyone confused, and Simon turns around and stomps back upstairs. Annie runs after him.
Lucy comes in and nags her dad that he should be getting ready for church. Eric says he will, as soon as Annie gets out of the shower. Oh, so I guess they really were fighting about shower time after all. Silly me, I just assumed that they were lying to their children again! Lucy urges RevCam to tell Simon about the graffiti before "someone else does." Yeah, like that loudmouth Mrs. Bink. RevCam says he'll tell Simon after church, and there's no need to worry about someone telling Simon at church because he isn't going. Lucy looks shocked, then says that she isn't going to church either because she wants to "be there" for Kevin when he gets back from the station. RevCam suspects that his daughter really just wants to get it on with her husband instead of going to church. Sacrilege! Lucy coyly says that she and Kevin need some time together to "do something…life-affirming." RevCam wants to know what she has in mind, because asking a question like that is one of the few ways this scene could get any more squicky. Lucy doesn't answer. RevCam reminds her that having a baby while she's still in school is not a good idea, and she should just leave it up to God to provide her with something "life-affirming." Shut up, RevCam. There are so many things wrong with guilting your adult daughter into not having sex with her husband. Lucy agrees to go to the church service, and leaves. RevCam asks God for some "uplifting distraction -- dealer's choice!" God gets his own uplifting distraction when he discovers that there's still a little bit of Herbal Essences left in the bottle he thought was empty.
Peter comes downstairs, announces his departure because he's that important, and tells RevCam he'll see him at church. This snaps RevCam out of his God-induced reverie long enough to make a snotty comment to himself about how Peter should just leave a change of clothes at the CamPound since he's around so much. Then he yells to Peter that he can call if he wants a ride. Well, do you want him around or not, Eric? RevCam asks God for a better distraction than "teen love." Wow, it's pretty ballsy of a minister to ask God for something, then turn around and say that what God gave him wasn't good enough and he'd like something better. I wouldn't even have pulled that with Santa. Ruthie runs downstairs, yelling to Peter that he forgot his bag. She runs out the front door and into some creepy guy who's picking his nose. He looks like George Clooney and Kiefer Sutherland's love child, who got hit with the ugly stick about a thousand times. Ruthie asks if she knows him from somewhere. Attention, all tween girls: what Ruthie is doing right now is very stupid. If you happen upon a weird-looking stranger standing around your house, you should not attempt to engage in conversation with him. Please run inside the house and find an adult. This has been a Public Service Announcement brought to you by the Citizens Against Brenda Hampton's "Good" Ideas. We're a very busy group. Kieforge asks if Ruthie remembers him from the one and only Christmas episode like five years ago where Mary was forced to volunteer at a soup kitchen, where she met him, brought him back to the CamPound, and helped him get back to his family in New York. "And you're just here to thank us?" Ruthie asks. "Not exactly," says Keiforge, which makes me giggle. Ruthie ascertains that Kieforge's name is "Carlos," and Carlos remembers that her name is Ruthie, "only, when I knew you then you were just a little girl. And now, you're a young woman." Ruthie, this would be a good time to run away as fast as your ugly bright red platform shoes can take you. Instead, she asks Carlos to sit down for a chat.
RevCam is still trying specify exactly what he thinks God should give him, because RevCam is just that deserving. He wants something that will help the Camdens "rise above the darkness that's fallen over [them] for an entire season." Entire season? More like "entire series," but it's still a good sign that Brenda is acknowledging how terrible last year was. RevCam keeps telling God that he'll take anything, but he's being pretty demanding for someone who's supposed to be desperate. Whatever; I'm sure God fell asleep listening to his boring, long-winded monologue a while ago. Annie comes downstairs, dressed for church and with her hair styled almost like the poodle-do from the first season. It's the Neo-Poodle! Ask for it at your hair salon! She tells RevCam that the shower is free, to which he tells God that that's a start. I love how RevCam is now talking to God instead of Annie.
Back at the beach, Chandler and Roxanne are talking about marriage. Chandler says that just being with Roxanne is not enough; he wants to be married to her. Roxanne takes this time to tell Chandler that she's sorry about his dad. He says that his dad dying has nothing to do with wanting to marry her. Oh, so that happened during the summer break too, did it? That's great. I definitely didn't want to see any potentially emotional moments; I'd much rather have it all told to me in Chandler's flat monotone after it has already happened. That's why I watch television; so people can tell me about stuff that happened instead of me actually being able to see it. This whole show is like this time in eighth grade when I was a little late getting to the bus stop, only to find that my tardiness had caused me to miss witnessing a spectacular three-car accident. Everyone jumped at the chance to tell me about it and how awesome it was, but that only made me feel worse because I hadn't seen it. I feel the same sense of disappointed bitterness every time a character mentions something important that happened that I won't get to actually see. Chandler says that he loves Roxanne and wants to "have babies" with her. They'll be the most boring, personality-less babies in the whole wide world. Roxanne gets all turned on by the mention of babies, apparently, because she jumps on top of Chandler and starts making out with him.
In the garage apartment, Kevin gets ready to go to bed after a long night of cleaning church signs. He asks Lucy to wake him up when she gets back from church. I guess RevCam's little "make them go to church so they won't do it" plan didn't really work. As Lucy turns to go, Kevin asks her who the guy talking to Ruthie outside is. Awesome cop instincts there, Officer Dumbfuck. You see your young sister-in-law talking to a creepy stranger and you just walk right by. It's like you want something bad to happen to her -- oh, I see. Hey, have I mentioned how I kind of like Kevin now? He didn't do anything this whole episode to make me totally hate him, unlike everyone else. I think he took some acting classes over the break, too. Lucy asks what the stranger looks like, and Kevin says he looked about his age, "maybe younger." Um, if by "younger" you mean "about fifteen years older," because Carlos has some wicked crow's feet going on there. Kevin suggests that maybe it's Carlos, to which Lucy's eyes bulge out of her skull and she runs off to be nosy. She runs into Ruthie, who is just getting in the house. "So," Ruthie says, her voice rich with spine-chilling menace, "you've been keeping a little secret from me, huh? Well, I don't like it when people keep secrets from me!" Then she shoots Lucy in the head and tells her nearby underlings to remember this, should they ever decide to keep a secret from her. Or not.
Service apparently over, the CamFam returns home and all walk, single file, upstairs. Peter's there too, of course. RevCam sees him and clears his throat. When Peter turns around, RevCam shrugs and mouths words. Peter compliments RevCam's sermon. RevCam continues to wave his hands around and not say anything. Maybe he asked God for some life-affirming telepathy, and he's trying to see if it's working yet. Peter says he just wanted to check on Ruthie, because she seemed quiet at church. RevCam says churches are supposed to be quiet. "There's a lot of talk going 'round, just the same," answers Peter, who apparently thinks he's starring in a 1950s Western. Eric asks for clarification, so Peter tells him that he heard people talking about the graffiti, and Ruthie did too. RevCam asks what else Peter heard. Peter says people feel badly for the dead kid's family, but also for the Camdens. Also, Chandler should either marry Roxanne or "break up with that hussy." Old women use words like "hussy," Peter says. Yeah, while today's youth prefers "harlot." RevCam asks for more gossip, and Peter says that everyone's been talking about Mary, but that's nothing new, as she's always the most popular topic in the church gossip scene. People want to know why Mary hasn't been home at all this summer. Some believe it's because she's a spy. For France. RevCam asks how Peter can hear all this stuff and he can't. Maybe it's because Peter listens to people instead of asking God for stuff. And I'd just like to take this time to thank Brenda Hampton for choosing to not to show us the church service filled with awesome gossipy church ladies and people shooting critical glances at the Camdens and Roxanne. It was much better television to have Peter relay all that to me instead of being able to see it for myself. And I'll bet it was cheaper, too.
Upstairs, Lucy and Ruthie are talking about Carlos. Lucy thinks that Ruthie knows something about Carlos and Mary that she doesn't, and she wants to know what it is, because her own life is so unfulfilling that she must concern herself with other people's business. Ruthie says that Carlos is ready to tell everyone about the marriage. Lucy says that Mary doesn't want people to know she's married, and she wants an annulment. At this point, Peter walks in, shakes his head, then walks right back out again. Okay. Ruthie thinks that Mary might have changed her mind. Why would she do that? Lucy asks. "Isn't it obvious?" Ruthie says. Actually, it's not. Please tell me -- oh. The scene ended.
RevCam throws some pills into his mouth. Before he can finish his attempt to OD on aspirin, Asslee rudely lets herself into the house. RevCam snots that he missed her in church today. Jeez, does anyone go to church anymore? This town is going to hell in a handbasket! Asslee says that she might have done something "really really bad." How bad on the scale of badness? As bad as this show? As bad as Asslee's "acting"? Is such a level of badness even possible? RevCam asks what happened, then figures out that it has something to do with Simon. Asslee isn't talking, so RevCam pulls out the "Annie's craaaazy!" card and says Asslee better hurry up and tell him before Annie comes downstairs. Understandably frightened, Asslee quickly reveals that she took Simon to the airport. I'm surprised Simon didn't just walk to the place, as I'm assuming that the airport in question is the nearby Glenoak International Airport. Book your JetBlue flight to any one of the four acknowledged states today! RevCam asks if Simon will be home in time for school tomorrow, because that's really the most important thing right now. Asslee says that's doubtful, since he's going to New York to see Matt. Annie comes downstairs and hears the last part of this. Upon seeing Annie, Asslee immediately turns around and runs out of the house. That was awesome, but Asslee still sucks. Annie asks who is going to New York to see Matt. Who do you think, stupid? And now Peter's entered the scene on his way out of the house. He adds that his uncanny ability to overhear private information is a curse. In normal circumstances, I would find this little subplot annoying and useless. But when it's taking time away from Simon and his deal with the car accident, something that could be actually interesting to watch, I am infuriated.
Lucy and Ruthie talk about a "plan" that involves either Lucy talking to Mary or Ruthie talking to Carlos. They haven't figured that crucial step out yet, because they're idiots.
Aaaaand we're back in the kitchen, where Annie is saying that Simon can't go to New York because he has school tomorrow. Why does everyone care about this? At the very least, you'd think they'd be more concerned about how Simon got enough money to buy a last-minute airplane ticket for New York City than about him missing the first few days of school, where nothing ever happens anyway. Suddenly, RevCam just turns around and bolts out of the house. I thought maybe he was pulling an Asslee and decided that being so close to Annie could be dangerous, but he was actually just trying to catch up to Peter. RevCam suspects that Peter overheard something when he went up to the attic. Peter asks if RevCam has superpowers. RevCam says that on some days, he does. Yeah, and every other day, he has a heart attack and almost dies. Peter says that he can't tell Eric what he heard because it would end his relationship with Ruthie, and therefore his life. And let's have a big hand for Peter, who just officially became The Most Pathetic Person In The World, beating out Sissy The Perpetually Pregnant Crack Addict, Walter The Morbidly Obese Shut-In Who Loves Science Fiction Too Much, and Annie Camden! RevCam apologizes for trying to needle Peter into ratting on his girlfriend and Peter leaves. On his way out, he tells RevCam that all three of his daughters are involved in the secret. I can't believe Brenda Hampton just wasted my time with that scene, in which nothing new was told to us, and only the fact that Mary, Lucy, and Ruthie are up to some clandestine activity was revealed to RevCam. This scene lasted about a minute and a half; we could have seen the car accident in that time.
RevCam runs back into the house, where Annie is standing in the exact same place she was before, as if time stopped for her when RevCam left the scene. Which is probably exactly what happened. RevCam says that he'll call Matt, but Annie doesn't see what good that will do. RevCam says that Matt can bring Simon home. "What is he, the Wizard of Oz?" Annie asks sarcastically. RevCam angrily asks Annie what she wants him to do. She says that she wants him to fly out to New York and bring Simon back with him. RevCam doesn't think he needs to go to New York when Matt can just stick Simon on a plane and ship him back. Annie breaks it down and says that one of them has to go, and it's not going to be her. Right, because she has pressing business to attend to at home. Like making sandwiches and vacuuming the area rugs. RevCam says that he's not going to New York. Go Eric! It's about time he stood up for himself. Annie says that if that's the way he feels, then it's time for them to have a fight. This lady is like a damn child; you don't do what she wants and she throws a temper tantrum. RevCam says he already knows what Annie has been waiting all summer to say to him: that the accident is his fault, because he didn't leave for Ruthie's non-celebration celebration dinner with the rest of the family, and he had just driven everyone, none of this would have happened. Eric says that they have to concentrate on what did happen, which is that Simon killed "Paul Smith." RevCam goes into more detail about the how the accident happened, all of which would be unnecessary had we actually been able to see it happen. Simon "came around a curve" and "Paul Smith wasn't looking where he was going." Couldn't they just call him "Paul" at this point? And couldn't Brenda have thought of a better last name than "Smith"? Eric reminds Annie that their son is still alive, so they're the lucky ones. This little speech might have had more emotional impact if RevCam weren't delivering it in his "serious" whisper-cry voice that always makes me giggle. Annie finally gets a chance to speak, and uses it to say that she didn't want to blame RevCam at all; she wanted to blame PaulSmith's parents for not telling him to wear a helmet. Right, because why blame people you know and love when you can blame people you don't know or care about for not being good enough parents?
Kevin sleeps. Lucy sits on his bed and stares at him. Do I even have to say that this family is creeps me out? Kevin wakes up to see Lucy, but he is not creeped out. He smiles warmly at her until she says that they have a problem. Ruthie comes peeking out from behind her with a smug smile across her smug face. Kevin, I really think you could punch her in the face, and then blame it on woken-up-too-suddenly violence. I will pay for your lawyer. Just do it. Please. Lucy says that Ruthie knows about Mary and Carlos. Ruthie says that Carlos is waiting for her to call and tell her when he can come over and talk to the CamRents. Kevin thinks that this is a good thing, because it's about time the CamRents knew that their eldest daughter was married. He says that Mary's obviously not going to tell them, so Carlos might as well. Huh? Last season, Mary was so anxious to tell RevCam about the marriage that she flew all over the country trying to track him down; now they're telling us that the exact opposite is true. Ruthie doesn't want to CamRents to be alone when they talk to Carlos, for they are delicate flowers that will wilt if they get any more bad news. Kevin wins more points with me by suggesting that they just mind their own business. Lucy and Ruthie reveal that they think that Mary is pregnant. Kevin won't believe it; he says they're being "ridiculous." Kevin, I completely agree with you, and I'm not ashamed to say it. A Mary pregnancy story would be nothing short of ridiculous. Which means that it will happen during sweeps.
Chandler asks Roxanne to marry him again. Roxanne says she will. Chandler wants to set a date. Like a normal person who's aware of how long it takes to plan a real wedding, Roxanne suggests sometime spring or later. Chandler was thinking more along the lines of week. Roxanne doesn't understand why there has to be a hurry, she "likes things the way they are." Which totally makes sense, because last season she really wanted to get married, and soon. I guess the writers have just figured that last season was absolutely terrible, and the only way to make it better is to just do the exact opposite of what they were doing last year. I wouldn't put it past the writers of this show to fully subscribe to such an asinine theory. ["If that means all the main characters start smoking Marlboro Reds on camera, you won't hear any complaints from over here." -- Sars] Chandler says that he loves Roxanne, but he "can't do this anymore." Do what? Forget it; I don't even want to know. Chandler threatens to break up with Roxanne if they don't get married soon. I can understand making an ultimatum like that IF you've been waiting for your boy/girlfriend to propose for several years and you feel like there's nothing left to do but get married or find someone new. But Roxanne and Chandler have been together for less than a year, so this whole need to get married right away doesn't make any sense at all.
Simon walks into Matt's hospital. Suddenly, Marcia Wallace pops up behind him and starts talking, but I don't know exactly what she said because I was screaming in horror at the time. What the hell happened to Marcia Wallace? She looks like Ronald McDonald's weird aunt with her bright red punk hairdon't, buggy eyes, and generally clownish manner. She's also the size of roughly two and half The Bob Newhart Show-era Marcia Wallaces. Simon asks where Matt is, to which Marcia replies that Matt and Sarah went to the Berkshires for some "R and R," because first-year medical residents have time for things like that. Simon says that he's Matt's brother, at which Marcia gets all excited because she knows everything about the Camdens, because Matt is her BFF. Despite this, he apparently did not see fit to tell her about the car accident, because she doesn't mention it. She does, however, mention the Bank of Simon. It's like Brenda thought of that in a storyline meeting once (if they even have those for this show, which is doubtful) and thought it was so funny that it had to be mentioned once a season whether the viewers cared about it or not. A closer shot of Marcia reveals, once I can peel my fingers away from my eyes, that she has lipstick in the wrinkles around her mouth, which really enhances her clownishness. Simon says that his "ex-girlfriend" drove him to the airport. So they broke up? For sure? Great! Now there will be no reason for Asslee to stay on the show and I won't have to deal with her anymore. I'm going to have a celebratory margarita or ten. Marcia suggests that Simon stay with "MA-RY and CAR-LOS," speaking to Simon like he's a student in her kindergarten special education class. Simon asks who Carlos is. Marcia realizes that she stuck her foot in it once again, says that she has to go, and speed-walks away. I don't think Marcia Wallace blinked once during that entire scene. But as scary as she was, she delivered her awful lines better than almost anyone else on this show, so I wouldn't mind seeing her again. Which means that I won't, ever.
RevCam walks around the house reading a yellow notepad. I hope it's a draft of his suicide note. He answers the doorbell to two sad people and one Sad Guitar. RevCam says he's surprised to see them, then invites them in. They sit in the CamDen. "I suppose you came here for some reason," RevCam says. No, they probably just knock on people's doors, go into their houses, and sit in their living rooms for the hell of it. The man says that they're going to accept the insurance company's offer. Ah, so they're PaulSmith's parents. Mr. Smith says that they wanted more money before, when they were angry and wanted to punish Simon, but now they don't want to go to court. Lame. Go to court, PaulSmith's parents! Those Camdens are loaded; look at their house! Squeeze every possible dime you can out of them! Sara wants to recap a season of 7th Heaven where the family actually lives like the poor people they purport to be! Mrs. Smith says that PaulSmith should have been wearing a helmet, like they always reminded him to. See, Annie? They did tell him to wear a helmet, so shut your sanctimonious ass up. Actually, where is Annie? Shouldn't she be here for this? Mr. Smith says that their son had bigger problems than flouting motorcycle safety laws, and they need to make sure that those problems don't happen to their remaining son. They offer to pay for the church sign he vandalized, but RevCam says that that's been "taken care of." Mrs. Smith drops the D-bomb and says that the autopsy of their son revealed that he was on "drugs." Not marijuana or cocaine. Just "drugs." That's a pretty non-specific autopsy! Maybe it was performed by a graduate of Crawford Clown College's distinguished pathology program. RevCam is surprised, although you think Det. Michaels would have told him about the autopsy results as soon as possible. Hey, do you think that maybe Det. Michaels and RevCam had some kind of fight over the summer? Think about it: Det. Michaels had to get all the semi-latest CamInfo from Kevin, and RevCam hasn't been kept illegally informed of police business. I want to know more.
Mrs. Smith says that RevCam should tell Simon; maybe it will help him feel better. RevCam says that Simon will probably struggle with this for the rest of his life, then says: "that's just the thing -- [Simon] still has a lifetime." Great words of consolation there, Mr. Self-Appointed Counseling Expert. Mr. Smith says that their other son is angry at Simon and "out of control." Yeah, I could tell. After all, in the three months since his brother died, he's spray-painted a sign with a Bible quote and…uh…well, nothing else, but did I mention that the paint was red? That requires a lot of elbow grease to remove. He's definitely dangerous. The Smiths suggest that Simon "go somewhere else," because they're afraid that Justin will try to hurt him and they want to "remove the temptation." I think it also might have something to do with the fact that they probably hate Simon and don't want to run into him at the supermarket. RevCam says that he and Annie will try to figure out an alternative for Simon. Then he whisper-cries his gratitude to them for accepting the settlement and trying to protect his son. Yeah, if by "protect," you mean "run out of town." Finally, the Smiths leave and this bizarre, awkward scene can end. Oh, but not before RevCam can thank God for making the Smiths' son a drug addict and ask Him for some more favors. What has RevCam even done for God lately, besides forsake him for a thrilling career in radio and writing smutty novels, to merit asking for so much in return? Shut up, RevCam.
And that's it. See you week for the thrilling conclusion. Maybe something will actually happen in the present tense this time!