That Touch Of Bink

Lights up on the church. The choir is singing the white-breadiest version of "Amazing Grace" ever. Ev. Er. I supposed it's supposed to be about RevEric's returning to his so-called flock after being "lost," but my head is so numbed to the anvil thunderstorm that is 7th Heaven that I'm dead. This is me recapping from beyond the grave -- whooooo. Scary, isn't it? The show, I mean. Not the ghost of me. Anyway, the Camdens take up the first two rows of pews and look a bit miffed. One twin leans forward; the other slumps deeply into the bench. Only Lucy has that gleeful, glowing, Stepford-wife look about her. It's like she got just laid or something. How very odd. Oh, wait. She did just get laid! And the world kept on turning. How very odd.

As Eric takes the pulpit, Annie cocks her head a bit, soaking up all the reflected glory. Kind of like how the drummer's girlfriend at a rock club does. They're both pathetic. Eric starts to sermonize about how the words "'I once was lost but now am found' mean so much," and how the congregation surely knows what he's talking about. The rolling chuckle rises, then fades, then rises again, then stops. Boy, that chuckle had legs. And thanks for spelling it out, Brenda. Eric sort of apologizes for his "absence" and thanks the crowd for their "patience." Um, the church didn't stop being a church. The congregation didn't stop congregating. I will probably never ceased to be amazed at the self-centeredness of everyone on this show, but for Eric to stand in the pulpit and make one Sunday mass all about him? Smite him, O Lord. Eric continues that he left the church "angry" (about his heart attack, I take it?), but now is even more aware of the forgiveness of God. He is "hoping" that Chandler...Hampton "can be forgiving as well." Because he was a dick, remember? Then he thanks his family for putting up with him. Then, he actually says, "Enough about me!" Thank...well, you know.

A member of the congregation stands up. He says ominously that Eric "didn't think [he] was going to get off that easily?" They have something to say to him, too. And to Chandler. They want to "apologize to both of [them]." For "trying to help." And that they were "blessed" for having RevEric in the pulpit, and now "twice blessed" for having Chandler...Hampton. So, "God bless [them] both." Applause rolls and swells throughout the church. Barf rises and swells in me. Then, the roof collapses on Eric's head. Eric makes a quip about how "some people say if they went back to church, the roof would fall in, but [he] never thought [he] would be the one to do it." Wow, it really IS all about Eric!

Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!

CamPound. The twins, unsupervised, play in their playroom. Happy looks huge to them. They shake their identical piggy banks and count the change therein. It's not a lot. They look round the corner, then haul tiny ass to their parent's room. Then they steal all the money from off the dresser and out of pants pockets. The guitar goes off. Ooh, harmonics.

Kitchen. Lucy, still glowing, stands by her KevBot as he hands over a check to help pay for the damaged roof. Eric takes it, pauses, then says he thanks him, and the "church roof thanks [him]." Then Kevin and Lucy suck face. Oh god, was she a tight-assed wizened apple witch doll this whole time because she wasn't getting laid? News flash: You don't have to get married to have sex. Seriously! Annie and Eric walk away with the smooching still going on behind them. Barf.

Ew, it's Ruthie. She asks the smooching duo to knock it off. Sometimes, Ruthie ain't so bad. There's a knock on the door, and Lucy and Kevin continue to suck face. Ruthie gets her sourpuss on, and answers it herself. It's Roxanne and Chandler, sucking face. Gross. Roxanne laughs in Ruthie's pinched little puss, and says she "just made a donation to the church." Oh, is that what they're calling it these days? Ruthie says she's going over to Peter and his single mom's house for breakfast and a ride to school, since "she won't be making out with anyone while I eat." Lucy hugs Kevin goodbye, and hugs Roxanne too. Then, Lucy and Roxanne start making out. Just kidding. Go into the fanfic part of the board if you're into that sort of thing. Lucy then grabs Chandler...Hampton and tells him how great and "wonderful" it is to be married. Yeah, we get it. You're getting laid now, everything is "wonderful." Too bad we all had to suffer through every moment before that.

Simon sidles into the kitchen, startling Chandler...Hampton. Simon waggles his ginormous brows at RevLite and tells him he's in for it regarding this whole fundraising thing. Apparently, it makes people loco. Plumb loco. Chandler looks, well, like he always does. Befuddled, clueless, like he wishes he weren't there. The twins smile evilly at him.

Peter walks right by Ruthie on the sidewalk. She swivels and says she was just going to his house to mooch. He says flatly that she doesn't want to be at his house right now. Why? Because his "mom's date slept over last night." And Peter "hate[s] him." Date is a new neighbor, and "they stayed up all night talking." Then a silver sports car pulls up. The driver is Date. He offers Peter a ride to school. Peter refuses. Well, how about a "talk" tonight? You know: "Man to man." Date says it with a sneer in his voice. Peter says nothing, and Date drives off saying, "See you tonight!" Peter is less than thrilled.

CamPound. Eric walks into the kitchen and sees Chandler, who says he's "gassed up the car" and is all ready to go. Eric laughs at Chandler's naive fundraising enthusiasm. Fundraising, like war, is hell.

Cop Station. Roxanne talks at, not to, Kevin. Something about homicides, two monkeys, and a mongoose. He looks straight ahead, then asks her if she said something. She says, "That must have been some honeymoon. SO?" Oh, crap. Please, please do not share. Kevin says, thank god, that he's "not discussing it with anyone." Roxanne leans in and says to think of her as "one of the guys." Kevin lies and says that "guys don't talk about this kind of stuff," and then, "don't you have any women friends you can talk to?" Oh no. Please do not call Lucy.

Chandler and the Rev head up a walkway towards a Glenoak home. Eric says that this person is "not in church every week," but was a member, and is "a piece of work" as well as "their best fundraiser." Hey, it's Eileen Brennan! How cool. Why does this show get so many great guest stars? I honestly do not understand how that happens. What, do they promise each guest their weight in hookers and blow? Or weed and brownies? Or is it more of a blackmailing thing? Eileen Brennan takes one look at Chandler and lays on the charm, calling him "handsome" and such. She looks at Eric and asks when he got back. Then she grabs Chandler's hand to lead him inside and says, "Let's get this party started." This fundraising party? But I thought fundraising was supposed to be hell? Whatever.

CamPound. The phone rings. It's "Paris...Petrowski. Paris Petrowski." She does not add, "Peter's mom. Peter Petrowski's mom? Paris Petrowski, Peter Petrowski's mom? Peter Peter Apple-Stealer, that is?" Peter never went into school today, and he's not home, either. Is he at the CamPound? No, and Annie says the school would have called her if Ruthie bailed along with Peter. We get a boring, unimaginative split screen of the two moms talking. Then, Paris drops the first bomb in the SevHev ongoing campaign of Operation Upchuck and Aww: "I know this sounds terrible, but I'd feel better if Ruthie and Peter went missing together." What? WHAT? She wishes Ruthie were missing TOO? What kind of fucked-up thing is that to hope for? ["Anyone on the boards want to take this one?" -- Sars] Paris spills the beans about how this new man in her life is "making Peter angry," and that they "stayed up talking and fell asleep on the couch," and Date was there when Peter woke up. She stresses that they "didn't really do anything." No unmarried sex? Well, of course not. That would be sad and wrong. Annie says she'll call the school and send out rescue pigeons and such. The split screen rolls away, then we see Paris STILL ON THE PHONE saying Peter "senses" she could "get serious" about this guy, who "has a lot of money" and "frankly, [Paris] could use some taking care of." Well, at least her values and priorities are in the right place.

Lucy and Roxanne, again, some more. Lucy says she "can't imagine being intimate with someone and not be married to them." Oh, and she "doesn't know how people have casual sex, there's nothing casual about it!" Roxanne's face falls. Oh, that SLUT! You mean to say she...well, I NEVAH! Lucy looks at the crestfallen Roxanne and says, "Ohh! Ohh!" She didn't mean to imply that Roxanne was a dirty, dirty slut or anything! "Sorry!" She "only knows about married sex!" And she didn't mean to offend her. Roxanne says she's "enjoyed hearing [Lucy] talk, and what [she] said really made [Roxanne] think." About what a shameful whore she is. God, I hate this show.

Cue the mischievous music. The twins are a-stealing again, this time from Simon. I guess no one bothered to tell them about the Ten Commandments. It's a great movie. Just kidding, it's not so great. Of course, the twins are also too young and stupid to realize that they are stealing and that stealing is wrong. Because they live in such an amoral, anti-dogmatic household. Hee hee, "Dick."

Simon goes downstairs and kisses Cecelia. She hands him a check for the church. She goes to grab her purse, and he says, "Leave it," because he's paying. The twins rifle through her purse and say creepily, "Everyone has moneeey!" "Us, too." Ew.

RevEric is on the phone. Wow, could we have more phone conversations in this episode? I don't think so. He's calling everyone Mrs. Bink called, this time to ask for them to "give of themselves, too," to help her out while she's sick. He makes another call and gets an "or what?" He says there is no "or what," and they hang up on him. Another call. He asks, "Who are we to judge?" Hee, shout-out! Chandler calls. Is everything all right? He's been getting some calls. Eric says he thinks Mrs. Bink didn't ask for help because she didn't want "to be refused." We go to a split screen, and he says, "People are refusing." And this show? Is refuse. Chandler says he "has faith in [Eric's] ability to figure it out." Eric says, a wussy minister says what? Chandler means, he's the ASSOCIATE pastor, and he will defer to whatever Eric wants. Eric, flush with power, holds the phone and blinks limply.

CamPound. Ruthie walks into the kitchen and hands her dad cash for the church roof instead of kissing him. $10 cash! He says that's very generous, and thanks. What, is Ruthie blowing sailors down by the docks? The twins walk in with their bloated, swollen piggy banks. Eric comments that one looks like he went to market, and the other had a lot of roast beef. SamVid says, "It's not roast beef, it's money, lots of money." And where did they get it? Maybe the same place Ruthie did, because Lord knows she doesn't work. SamVid says they got it from "everyone." Eric asks if they ASKED everyone. "Hmmm," they say. Hmm.