Lights up on the church. The choir is singing the white-breadiest version of "Amazing Grace" ever. Ev. Er. I supposed it's supposed to be about RevEric's returning to his so-called flock after being "lost," but my head is so numbed to the anvil thunderstorm that is 7th Heaven that I'm dead. This is me recapping from beyond the grave -- whooooo. Scary, isn't it? The show, I mean. Not the ghost of me. Anyway, the Camdens take up the first two rows of pews and look a bit miffed. One twin leans forward; the other slumps deeply into the bench. Only Lucy has that gleeful, glowing, Stepford-wife look about her. It's like she got just laid or something. How very odd. Oh, wait. She did just get laid! And the world kept on turning. How very odd.
As Eric takes the pulpit, Annie cocks her head a bit, soaking up all the reflected glory. Kind of like how the drummer's girlfriend at a rock club does. They're both pathetic. Eric starts to sermonize about how the words "'I once was lost but now am found' mean so much," and how the congregation surely knows what he's talking about. The rolling chuckle rises, then fades, then rises again, then stops. Boy, that chuckle had legs. And thanks for spelling it out, Brenda. Eric sort of apologizes for his "absence" and thanks the crowd for their "patience." Um, the church didn't stop being a church. The congregation didn't stop congregating. I will probably never ceased to be amazed at the self-centeredness of everyone on this show, but for Eric to stand in the pulpit and make one Sunday mass all about him? Smite him, O Lord. Eric continues that he left the church "angry" (about his heart attack, I take it?), but now is even more aware of the forgiveness of God. He is "hoping" that Chandler...Hampton "can be forgiving as well." Because he was a dick, remember? Then he thanks his family for putting up with him. Then, he actually says, "Enough about me!" Thank...well, you know.
A member of the congregation stands up. He says ominously that Eric "didn't think [he] was going to get off that easily?" They have something to say to him, too. And to Chandler. They want to "apologize to both of [them]." For "trying to help." And that they were "blessed" for having RevEric in the pulpit, and now "twice blessed" for having Chandler...Hampton. So, "God bless [them] both." Applause rolls and swells throughout the church. Barf rises and swells in me. Then, the roof collapses on Eric's head. Eric makes a quip about how "some people say if they went back to church, the roof would fall in, but [he] never thought [he] would be the one to do it." Wow, it really IS all about Eric!
Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!
CamPound. The twins, unsupervised, play in their playroom. Happy looks huge to them. They shake their identical piggy banks and count the change therein. It's not a lot. They look round the corner, then haul tiny ass to their parent's room. Then they steal all the money from off the dresser and out of pants pockets. The guitar goes off. Ooh, harmonics.
Kitchen. Lucy, still glowing, stands by her KevBot as he hands over a check to help pay for the damaged roof. Eric takes it, pauses, then says he thanks him, and the "church roof thanks [him]." Then Kevin and Lucy suck face. Oh god, was she a tight-assed wizened apple witch doll this whole time because she wasn't getting laid? News flash: You don't have to get married to have sex. Seriously! Annie and Eric walk away with the smooching still going on behind them. Barf.
Ew, it's Ruthie. She asks the smooching duo to knock it off. Sometimes, Ruthie ain't so bad. There's a knock on the door, and Lucy and Kevin continue to suck face. Ruthie gets her sourpuss on, and answers it herself. It's Roxanne and Chandler, sucking face. Gross. Roxanne laughs in Ruthie's pinched little puss, and says she "just made a donation to the church." Oh, is that what they're calling it these days? Ruthie says she's going over to Peter and his single mom's house for breakfast and a ride to school, since "she won't be making out with anyone while I eat." Lucy hugs Kevin goodbye, and hugs Roxanne too. Then, Lucy and Roxanne start making out. Just kidding. Go into the fanfic part of the board if you're into that sort of thing. Lucy then grabs Chandler...Hampton and tells him how great and "wonderful" it is to be married. Yeah, we get it. You're getting laid now, everything is "wonderful." Too bad we all had to suffer through every moment before that.
Simon sidles into the kitchen, startling Chandler...Hampton. Simon waggles his ginormous brows at RevLite and tells him he's in for it regarding this whole fundraising thing. Apparently, it makes people loco. Plumb loco. Chandler looks, well, like he always does. Befuddled, clueless, like he wishes he weren't there. The twins smile evilly at him.
Peter walks right by Ruthie on the sidewalk. She swivels and says she was just going to his house to mooch. He says flatly that she doesn't want to be at his house right now. Why? Because his "mom's date slept over last night." And Peter "hate[s] him." Date is a new neighbor, and "they stayed up all night talking." Then a silver sports car pulls up. The driver is Date. He offers Peter a ride to school. Peter refuses. Well, how about a "talk" tonight? You know: "Man to man." Date says it with a sneer in his voice. Peter says nothing, and Date drives off saying, "See you tonight!" Peter is less than thrilled.
CamPound. Eric walks into the kitchen and sees Chandler, who says he's "gassed up the car" and is all ready to go. Eric laughs at Chandler's naive fundraising enthusiasm. Fundraising, like war, is hell.
Cop Station. Roxanne talks at, not to, Kevin. Something about homicides, two monkeys, and a mongoose. He looks straight ahead, then asks her if she said something. She says, "That must have been some honeymoon. SO?" Oh, crap. Please, please do not share. Kevin says, thank god, that he's "not discussing it with anyone." Roxanne leans in and says to think of her as "one of the guys." Kevin lies and says that "guys don't talk about this kind of stuff," and then, "don't you have any women friends you can talk to?" Oh no. Please do not call Lucy.
Chandler and the Rev head up a walkway towards a Glenoak home. Eric says that this person is "not in church every week," but was a member, and is "a piece of work" as well as "their best fundraiser." Hey, it's Eileen Brennan! How cool. Why does this show get so many great guest stars? I honestly do not understand how that happens. What, do they promise each guest their weight in hookers and blow? Or weed and brownies? Or is it more of a blackmailing thing? Eileen Brennan takes one look at Chandler and lays on the charm, calling him "handsome" and such. She looks at Eric and asks when he got back. Then she grabs Chandler's hand to lead him inside and says, "Let's get this party started." This fundraising party? But I thought fundraising was supposed to be hell? Whatever.
CamPound. The phone rings. It's "Paris...Petrowski. Paris Petrowski." She does not add, "Peter's mom. Peter Petrowski's mom? Paris Petrowski, Peter Petrowski's mom? Peter Peter Apple-Stealer, that is?" Peter never went into school today, and he's not home, either. Is he at the CamPound? No, and Annie says the school would have called her if Ruthie bailed along with Peter. We get a boring, unimaginative split screen of the two moms talking. Then, Paris drops the first bomb in the SevHev ongoing campaign of Operation Upchuck and Aww: "I know this sounds terrible, but I'd feel better if Ruthie and Peter went missing together." What? WHAT? She wishes Ruthie were missing TOO? What kind of fucked-up thing is that to hope for? ["Anyone on the boards want to take this one?" -- Sars] Paris spills the beans about how this new man in her life is "making Peter angry," and that they "stayed up talking and fell asleep on the couch," and Date was there when Peter woke up. She stresses that they "didn't really do anything." No unmarried sex? Well, of course not. That would be sad and wrong. Annie says she'll call the school and send out rescue pigeons and such. The split screen rolls away, then we see Paris STILL ON THE PHONE saying Peter "senses" she could "get serious" about this guy, who "has a lot of money" and "frankly, [Paris] could use some taking care of." Well, at least her values and priorities are in the right place.
Rev and RevLite exit Mrs. Bink's house. She says she will work her "fundraising magic." The Rev says that Chandler is "too young and innocent" to see such things. What, is she going to pick up dollar bills with her pussy or something? The two Men of Cloth walk down the walk, and Eric asks how Chandler met La Bink. She called and wanted to "check him out without having to drive all the way down to the church." Sounds pious as hell. Rev asks RevLite if Mrs. Bink "looked all right" to him. Chandler says he doesn't know how she's supposed to look. Rev asks if she was the same as the first time Chandler met her. Chandler says it's "hard to say," then says she was "wickedly funny and seductive, in an elderly sort of way." Oh, boy. I think I have a problem with the word choice: "seductive." Could he not have said "engaging," or "engrossing," or "luminous," or "vibrant"? Because "seductive" implies some kind of attraction, and since RevLite has already dipped his wick very near to the Reverend's daughter Lucy, wouldn't the very idea of boning a senior member of his congregation be, oh, say, VERY NAUSEATING? Yes. Yes, it would. RevEric says that it's his "first day back" and his "instincts may be off," but he thinks RevLite is "lying." Is Mrs. Bink "sick?" Chandler looks extremely uncomfortable. Then, after pressing and looking at him with a wrinkled-up face, Eric tells him, "Don't betray her trust." Yeah, and don't interrogate him, chump.
Promenade. Peter Peter Apple-Stealer is buying (not stealing) a movie ticket. Kevin barks, "POLICE! Put your hands up and turn around slowly." Peter freezes, then does what Kevin says. Kevin SMILES at the poor kid, then giggles and says he didn't mean to scare him. What a dick. Peter's face collapses with relief, and then he starts pummeling Kevin. As someone said on the boards, this is a very realistic reaction. How rare to have a moment of near-truth on this terrible show. Kevin grabs Peter and says, "Whoa, whoa! Sorry, sorry! Bad call." No shit, Sherlock. Peter says Kevin doesn't know anything about him or his mom, so "why doesn't [he] just shut up?" Congrats, Peter Peter Apple-Stealer, you are now my favorite cast member. Kevin asks that Peter "show [him] some respect," as he's still a cop and Peter is "still truant from class." Roxanne asks why Peter blew off school. He says, "Whatever." And the cop duo are "supposed to take [him] to the Camdens'," since his mom had to work. How fucking convenient.
Back at the CamPound, Annie is sliding a tray of cookies out of the oven and shoveling them into the twins. Ruthie walks in and says she isn't interested in the cookies, or a "bribe." Annie says she didn't intend to bribe anyone, she just "felt like baking." And Peter might want a cookie after getting busted on the Promenade by the cops. Ruthie doubts it. She asks, "What do you know?" as slyly as a spy. Annie shoots back, "What do YOU know?" They both swivel and look at the twins, there in the kitchen, with their mouths full of cookies. Could the twins leave the set, please? Oh no, wait, the adult and other child will leave instead. As soon as Ruthie and Annie are gone, the twins go to the coffee can full of change and unload it into their overalls. You know, with the way these two kids have been left alone virtually all their lives, I don't know why they didn't turn to crime earlier. They could have made a mint by now. Of course, now their cry for help is just tied into the stupid plot, but whatever. They clearly need help, and lots of it. Maybe they're saving up for rehab.
Ruthie and her mom come clean: they both know about Peter's mom's new Date. Ruthie says she doesn't think Paris should have let him sleep over. Well, Ruthie, I don't think you should have worn that fucking black tie. What, are you in private school? Channeling Avril Lavigne? Wishing you had one moment resembling anything close to one in Britney's career, long may it wave, just kidding? Annie says that "even parents can make mistakes." Shut up! Simon comes in, and Annie sends him to the kitchen for a cookie and to watch the twins. Is Simon even in this episode?
Someone's in the kitchen with the twins. His name? Simon. The kids sit there, comatose. Simon says, "What?" They ask for a "coooo-kie." Simon gives them one each. They sing-song, "Thaaaank yoooou." Simon says they look like they're up to something. Do they want to come upstairs and watch him put his books away? No, they want to "staay with the coooo-kies." Simon grabs one twin in each arm and hauls them off.
Ruthie says she met Peter's mom's Date, and it seemed like he was "trying to be nice." Annie notes that there's a difference between that and really being nice. Kevin and Roxanne bring Peter and his dog in. Was he going to bring his dog to the movies, too? Peter faces Ruthie and calls her a "snitch" and a "traitor." Ruthie contests that she wasn't ratting him out, since she "promised" she would tell. Which "makes [her] a woman of [her] word." Huh? "Woman"? Kevin says he "felt a little guilty" about the way he "busted Peter," which is why the dog is here, and to save him some cookies. I'm getting an idea that the dog is somehow important. You getting that?
Rev and RevLite are back at the church, and look! Checks are waiting for them! Eric says it's the "touch" of Mrs. Bink. RevLite notes that they're made out to her and not the church. Eric says fundraising is her thing, and "how bad is she?" RevLite says that if he tells, she said she'd tell everyone that RevLite got his "Ph.D in prison." Not bad.
Cut to Mrs. Bink on the phone. She talks to someone and asks if he remembers that summer when his wife was in Paris and they...just drop the check off at the church! Thanks. Another call. She wouldn't want to put that person "on the tightwad list" when he "spends all that money on toupees...God loves a cheerful giver!" Another call -- you get the idea. She blackmails everyone. Her phone rings. She picks it up and says, "Leave your message at the sound of the beep. Beep!" It's a nurse. She says that Mrs. Bink is missing her chemo appointment, and it's important to stay regular with that. Does Mrs. Bink want her to pick her up? Nurse "know[s] [she's] there." Mrs. Bink says into the phone, "Beep!" Then she hangs up. The music gets real sad.
CamPound. Kevin sacks out on the couch, and Lucy comes in, nattering about meeting Roxanne. Kevin says he's "exhausted" (from catching a kid outside a movie theater?) and she should go by herself. She does, saying she "really wants to see Roxanne." She does?
RevEric talks to Mrs. Bink. People are mad about the fundraising. Mrs. Bink speaks for us all when she says, "Do we really care?" Eric says, "Some people felt slightly...threatened." Mrs. Bink: "And?" Exactly. Eric asks if she's feeling all right, or if she's having "any health problems." Just "cancer," but her "prognosis is good," and she's "going to be fine." Did "that weasel, Chandler" tell him? No. But who else knows? Just her doctors and "the nurse that gives [her] chemo. Who else needs to know?" RevEric says he does, with a grave face. Because it's all about him, remember? Mrs. Bink asks why he'd want to know, and he says it's because he can get her help. She laughs. Who else besides him and his family members? Well, "names escape [him]." She says that no one at church "gets" her or "likes" her, which is why she's so good at getting money out of people. She says people should "give of themselves just to share, share their good fortune. But they won't unless you threaten them, or reward them. That's why people need to believe in heaven and hell, don't you think?" Wow, Eileen Brennan should get an Emmy for her performance. I'm honestly scared right now!
Lucy and Roxanne are sitting at a table, breaking bread and having a friendly chat. Pigs fly around them, barking, as frogs rain down from the sky. Lucy says that "it's so nice to have a woman friend to talk to! Where was I?" Her pants were just on fire.
Ruthie and Peter have a fake-phone split screen conversation. His dog's head is right in his lap. In case you missed it, that's a D-O-G right there in the shot, yo. She says he's lucky to only have been grounded for two weeks. She'll see him in church, too! "Maybe it'll even help you!" He says he was "pretty angry" to skip school. And how is he feeling now? He's "feeling better about [his] mom, but not feeling better about Dick." Ha ha ha! Oh, my sides. Sorry, I just turned thirteen, and ha. Was Dick a little hard on Peter? Ha ha. Maybe Dick could soften up a bit. Oh, boy. I could go on. Dick appears in the doorway, stiff. Heh. He wants to talk to Peter. Peter says snottily that he's on the phone with Ruthie. Dick can't wait. Now, Dick, now. He walks in and Peter's DOG -- the dog, mind you -- barks and barks. Bark, dog, bark. Dick says, "Did you turn that dog against me?" Listen to the dog. They have a sense about these things. Dick just got divorced a few years ago, hasn't "dated much," and is lonely and horny, and dammit, can't he just bone Peter's mom without getting any smart-mouth backtalk? He's "crazy about her," and it's "been a long time since [he's] been crazy about someone." Peter asks why Dick is in "such a big rush." Hee! Peter thinks it's weird that Dick has mowed the lawn and cooked dinner and stuff. Why would he do that? Dick laughs and says he "like[s] helping out." Peter says it's like Dick wants to "take over." Dicks tend to do that. Peter's mom comes in and is all, heeey, what's going on here? Oh, just a bland, friendly, creepy conversation that's foreboding, ominous, and just a taste of what's to come, I'm sure! Paris asks about the check for the church, and Peter says he'll give it to Ruthie at school. Dick says he'd like to "help" and to "kick in." Peter says, "Don't worry about it," and the dog barks and snaps. Dick just nods and smiles like Greg Kinnear.
Lucy and Roxanne, again, some more. Lucy says she "can't imagine being intimate with someone and not be married to them." Oh, and she "doesn't know how people have casual sex, there's nothing casual about it!" Roxanne's face falls. Oh, that SLUT! You mean to say she...well, I NEVAH! Lucy looks at the crestfallen Roxanne and says, "Ohh! Ohh!" She didn't mean to imply that Roxanne was a dirty, dirty slut or anything! "Sorry!" She "only knows about married sex!" And she didn't mean to offend her. Roxanne says she's "enjoyed hearing [Lucy] talk, and what [she] said really made [Roxanne] think." About what a shameful whore she is. God, I hate this show.
Cue the mischievous music. The twins are a-stealing again, this time from Simon. I guess no one bothered to tell them about the Ten Commandments. It's a great movie. Just kidding, it's not so great. Of course, the twins are also too young and stupid to realize that they are stealing and that stealing is wrong. Because they live in such an amoral, anti-dogmatic household. Hee hee, "Dick."
Simon goes downstairs and kisses Cecelia. She hands him a check for the church. She goes to grab her purse, and he says, "Leave it," because he's paying. The twins rifle through her purse and say creepily, "Everyone has moneeey!" "Us, too." Ew.
RevEric is on the phone. Wow, could we have more phone conversations in this episode? I don't think so. He's calling everyone Mrs. Bink called, this time to ask for them to "give of themselves, too," to help her out while she's sick. He makes another call and gets an "or what?" He says there is no "or what," and they hang up on him. Another call. He asks, "Who are we to judge?" Hee, shout-out! Chandler calls. Is everything all right? He's been getting some calls. Eric says he thinks Mrs. Bink didn't ask for help because she didn't want "to be refused." We go to a split screen, and he says, "People are refusing." And this show? Is refuse. Chandler says he "has faith in [Eric's] ability to figure it out." Eric says, a wussy minister says what? Chandler means, he's the ASSOCIATE pastor, and he will defer to whatever Eric wants. Eric, flush with power, holds the phone and blinks limply.
CamPound. Ruthie walks into the kitchen and hands her dad cash for the church roof instead of kissing him. $10 cash! He says that's very generous, and thanks. What, is Ruthie blowing sailors down by the docks? The twins walk in with their bloated, swollen piggy banks. Eric comments that one looks like he went to market, and the other had a lot of roast beef. SamVid says, "It's not roast beef, it's money, lots of money." And where did they get it? Maybe the same place Ruthie did, because Lord knows she doesn't work. SamVid says they got it from "everyone." Eric asks if they ASKED everyone. "Hmmm," they say. Hmm.
Cop Station. Roxanne looks at Kevin furtively. He asks, "WHAT is wrong with you." Nothing, nothing. Lucy calls, she and Kevin make cute, and instead of handing over the phone, Roxanne walks all the way around to Kevin's chair to get it. Lucy begs her not to say anything to Kevin about their conversation last night, since she "forgot" that he and Roxanne work together. "Forgot"? Wasn't Lucy crazed with jealousy just a few months ago? What a difference a dick makes. Roxanne says she had "a great time" and it's "almost like having a sister." She and Lucy make a standing date for "pizza and girl talk." Kevin asks what they talked about last night. Roxanne is mum. Now only if everyone else will follow suit.
After a weird exterior shot of a house that looks nothing like the house Mrs. Bink lives in, we wind up in Mrs. Bink's living room. Chandler...Hampton says he feels that he's imposed on the Camdens long enough, and that he should move out. And into Mrs. Bink's guest house. Fuck, does everyone have a guest house in Glenoak? Lucky bastards. Mrs. Bink asks if he's not concerned with what people in church will say about it, and "when the worm turns it can get pretty ugly." And what about rent? Chandler says he could run errands and drive her places. A goer? Step-in Fetchit? Yup. She grabs his arm, looks skyward and intones, "Someone opened up the Pearly GATES. And fetched me an ANGEL!" She says she will only go to church on the holidays, and they have a deal.
Peter knocks on the CamPound door with a check from his mom and a personal donation. And something from Dick. Eric looks at Dick's check and is flummoxed. Peter asks, "What do you make of a guy that'll give up that kind of dough just to impress people?" Somewhere, a dog barks warningly.
Church. Eric takes his easy chair to Chandler. He asks how it's going over at Mrs. Bink's house. Chandler says that "it finally feels like [he] has some purpose other than just filling in." Wow, who knew men of the cloth had such metaphysical leanings. Should a pastor feel that empty most of the time? Couldn't, say, his love of God fill him with meaning? Oh well! SamVid file in and apologize to everyone for stealing their money. Everyone says, "That's okay!" No one says it's wrong. No punishment is doled out. Peter, Dick, and Paris slide in. Just as Paris is saying hi to Annie and ruffling the hair of the creepy, creepy twins, Dick leans in and whispers to Peter that he "isn't going to mess this up. Try again and [he'll] get [Peter's] dog out of the house. After that, [he'll] get [Peter] out of the house. Understand?" Ooh! The dog was right! The dog was riiiight! You know, I think the Brenda is trying to send a message via the themes of this week's episode: She's being blackmailed, and she can't report it or something bad will happen. Aaron Spelling is sending her bits of someone's fingers, and she has to keep churning out episodes or else. Brenda? GIVE UP NOW. It'll be okay. Blink rapidly if you agree. Eric takes the pulpit and says it's "been an interesting first week back. We all have a lot of work to do, and maybe the work is to love each other." Peter looks worried, then shifts his eyes to Dick, and the screen fades to black. TO BE CONTINUED!