It's the night before the Wedding From Hell, and RevCam is running through a rehearsal of the ceremony that will change Lucy's status from abused girlfriend to abused wife. He's also providing some clunky exposition about the fact that Kevin "T-1000" Kinkirk has a brother named Ben and a sister named…ahem…Patty Mary. You know, I can't even type that name without giggling. I have no idea how Stephen Collins can say it out loud without cracking up. Somebody give this man an Emmy. From his description of the recessional, we can conclude that Ruthie is Lucy's maid of honor, and Simon is Kevin's best man. What, were Steve Austin and the Tin Man both busy that day? Kevin's other attendants are Matt and Ben. Has he even met Matt? Just briefly, I suppose, at the Dopester's super-boring nuptials last year. Lucy's attendants are Mary and the aforementioned Patty Mary. Right, because she's so close to both of them. We also learn that the Glenoak airport is closed, which I assume has something to do with the thunder rumbling in the background. Ooh, thunder! Scary. I didn't think airports closed for run-of-the-mill thunderstorms, but it has already been proven beyond a doubt that Glenoak is populated almost exclusively by morons. Lucy is worried that the T-1000's odious family won't make it to the wedding in time, but Kevin tries to reassure her that after the ceremony, Lucy will be his "family." Of course, he'll be chipping away at her self-confidence later -- and probably slapping her around eventually, too -- but at least he's offering up sappy platitudes in front of her family now. Aw! Is that romantic or what?
Annie tells RevCam how happy she is that he's "back in [his] church again." What? Oh, right -- it's that season-long story arc about Eric questioning whether he belongs in the ministry. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's been waiting anxiously to see how that turns out!
Lucy is trying to make Kevin promise that he will go through with this wedding. It's quite sad, really, to see Lucy pathetically begging him not to leave her at the altar. She then starts quoting Herodotus: the motto that the post office uses, about the weather not keeping postal workers from "their appointed rounds." It's nice to see that she gets the "heat" part of the quote right, I suppose, but then again, who cares? I have to wonder if she's aware that Kevin is, in fact, a police officer, not a letter carrier. Or did Brenda revise a little history during this last hiatus?
Fortunately, Lucy's increasingly weird behavior is interrupted by some thunder and lightning, which herald the arrival of Gabrielle. Why is she there? Because the Colonel and Grandma Ruth can't be arsed to show up for this blessed event, so they sent Gabrielle in their stead. Why would they do a thing like that? No clue. But Gabrielle's way cooler than anyone else in Glenoak, so I'm happy enough to welcome her, even when she starts insisting that she must do something to "help" the Camdens. The CamRents maintain that, aside from showing up for the wedding, there's nothing for Gabrielle to do. This causes her to glare intensely at Eric as she says that she's going to call the Colonel "and let him know." As she turns away to leave the church, the thunder rumbles ominously. If this is supposed to be symbolic somehow, I really don't get it, but it seems that all the Camdens do. Annie voices the hope that this won't be a "bad omen." Ruthie repeats the same sentiment for Simon. Then Lucy says it to Kevin. Did the twins write this dialogue, perhaps? If it is a bad omen, it probably just meant that this scene was going to end in a really annoying and pointless way. And sure enough, that part did come true.
Lo and behold, Barry Watson and Jessica Biel have found their way back into the credits again. I really don't understand why the producers expend so much energy on changing the credits every week. Shouldn't they be putting the effort into -- I don't know -- trying to make the show suck a little less?
They could start with the Opening Credits Timewaster, which has been a little weak lately. Is tonight's any exception? Not really. As Lucy listens to more thunder, she stares at her engagement ring for a while and then looks over at a framed picture of her hunky fiancé smiling winsomely into the camera. I keep expecting her to start making out with it, but alas, I wait in vain. Oh, dear. I don't want to alarm you, but I'm afraid this very special 150th episode was written by none other than Brenda Hampton.
That would explain the level of tedium permeating the scene, in which Uncle Hank's car is stuck in some mud by the side of the road. Roxanne drives up in her cruiser, no partner in sight, and comments that they are experiencing a break in the rain. Right, or maybe Brenda's just too cheap to rent a rain machine. After all, I'm sure having Ed Begley as a guest star does not come cheap. Roxanne offers Hank a ride. They realize they've met before, at the CamPound. And that's the entire scene. I feel like even the really boring description I've just given you might mislead you into thinking that the scene was more exciting than it actually was. Watching car upholstery dry would have been more thrilling, and in fact, that's probably what Hank will be doing all day tomorrow, since he left his car window rolled down.
Lucy gets up to go talk to Kevin, who, for reasons unknown, is sleeping in the CamPound. She tells him she's nervous about tomorrow. He assumes she's referring to the wedding night, but as she coyly tells him, she "can't wait" for that part. I cover my ears and try singing to myself, but it's too late. What Lucy said has already registered in my brain, and now I'm scarred for life. It is pretty funny, though, when, Lucy's admission is followed by really loud thunder and some nasty lightning. Unfortunately, it doesn't hit the CamPound. Incidentally, does anyone know what happens to robots when they're hit by lightning? Do they have built-in surge protection? Actually, wouldn't the T-1000 function as a lightning rod?
Outside in the hallway, the rest of the CamDorks are bonding by listening in on Lucy's conversation with Kevin. The icky speculation on whether or not she'll call off the wedding is interrupted when they hear her giggling from inside Kevin's room. The CamRents look at each other with horror. Frankly, I find the idea of Lucy and her fiancé engaging in something physical the night before their wedding far less appalling than the rest of the family listening in on her private moments. Well, in theory, anyway -- I'm more than happy to leave the exact details blurry. What really has happened to make Lucy giggle is that apparently Kevin doesn't wear pajamas, and Lucy's just seen him naked. I'm not sure laughing at his CyborgSchlong is a very nice thing to do, but this is Lucy we're talking about. She prissily tells him to put something on while she steps "out into the hall." Boy, that sure is going to be one super-steamy wedding night, don't you think?
Out in the hall, Lucy confronts her loathsome family members for spying on her. They don't apologize or anything; they just want to know if she and Kevin will be calling off the wedding. Kevin comes out and says they will not, but Lucy has her doubts. Say what you want about the T-1000 (and believe me, I've said plenty myself), but I do admire that he has the balls to tell the CamDorks to leave so he can talk to Lucy alone. What I don't admire so much is that he uses their private time to convince Lucy that he's right and she's wrong. Lucy's such a doormat that it's not exactly an uphill struggle, though.
The scene is a little perplexing. Ruthie and Simon have joined their parents in bed. How old is Simon anyway? Isn't he, like, sixteen? Come to think of it, isn't Ruthie almost in her teens too? When RevCam tries tactfully to get his kids to leave, Annie misunderstands him and says she will go upstairs with Ruthie and Lucy, leaving Simon in bed with Eric. They discuss how awful it would be if Lucy and Kevin called off their wedding. Yeah, tragic. But neither Simon nor RevCam actually care about Lucy's happiness; they're just worried that RevCam's first official duty after returning to his church will be to tell people that his daughter is not getting married. I simply love how Brenda can find the most useless bit of a concept and weave an entire plot -- or even season-long story arc -- out of it. It's just too bad that the concepts are so rarely interesting.
Oh, dear God. Avert your gaze -- it's the twins. After they run through their litany of stupid questions, they join Simon and RevCam in the bed.
Upstairs, Ruthie is arguing with Annie about family weddings. Ruthie doesn't seem to care whether any of her family members will attend Lucy's wedding or even her own, should it take place one day. In fact, she plans to elope. I did that myself, and I can't recommend it enough. Annie disagrees. She says that "marriage is about family," which I think is total bullshit. But look at the source. When Ruthie insists that none of the out-of-town guests will make it to the wedding, Annie shoots her a nasty look. Ruthie makes me like her better when she sarcastically says, "What, like my saying it is gonna keep them from coming?" That brief moment of admiration deserts me a few seconds later when Ruthie starts talking about RevCam's feelings on the matter of returning to the church. You really have to wonder if Brenda has received any feedback whatsoever on this storyline. I can't imagine there's a single viewer out there, no matter how stupid, who even cares one iota about RevCam's career path. When Annie admonishes Ruthie to "think pleasant thoughts," Ruthie smiles in an evil fashion. At least I thought it was evil-looking. Since she claims to be in love with stupid Peter, Peter, Apple-Stealer, I have to conclude that Satan is mixed up in this somehow. She says she likes the way Peter calls her "honey" and "sweetie." No, really. I can't tell if she genuinely feels sappy about the little fruit thief or if she's just trying to torment Annie. And rest assured that Annie really does look tormented. Heh.
Simon still wants to discuss RevCam's return to the church. How this subject could possibly be keeping anyone awake at night really is beyond me. Simon actually cares whether Eric goes back to the church, and he even extracts a promise from his father that he will do so. You see, if Eric doesn't return to church, Simon will lose his faith in God. The hell? Nice emotional blackmail, Simon. RevCam pretends that this all makes sense somehow.
Moving right along, we find Chandler RevBong waiting for Roxanne at the hospital. I don't know what she's doing at the hospital, but I can't say I care enough to investigate any further. Chandler informs her that Ben and Mrs. Bo Derek Kinkirk got stranded in Vegas en route to Glenoak, and they need Chandler to drive there and pick them up. Wait a second. How could that be? Las Vegas is in a state that is not even recognized in the CamVerse. If RevBong tries to drive there, won't he fall off the edge of the world? We can hope so anyway, especially since he talks Roxanne into accompanying him. I'm still not sure why the Kinkirks can't take a bus or a train, but whatever.
Back at the CamPound, Ruthie, Annie, and Lucy are getting ready to go to sleep when Lucy starts singing a verse from "Get Me To The Church On Time." She glosses over a couple lines of it, though, and curiosity impels me to seek out the lyrics to the song. Instead of singing, "Pull out the stopper! Let's have a whopper!" she just sings some nonsense syllables. Shame on Brenda for missing out on a perfect Burger King product placement opportunity. As she snuggles under her covers, Lucy has a huge smile on her face. I want to be happy for her, but I just can't do it. Look what she's marrying.
Then again, she's looking kind of like an alien herself. Daylight finds her with a head full of some of the biggest rollers I've ever seen in my life. Don't tell me she's planning on doing her wedding hair herself. It's looks like she's doing her own manicure too. RevCam walks in and, instead of laughing openly at her hair, as Peeter and I did when we saw it, he gets one of those aggressively blank looks on his face that signals the onset of a flashback. This one is totally manufactured, as RevCam remembers a couple of actors playing Lucy as a baby and then as a toddler taking her first steps. He also remembers putting a Band-Aid on her elbow when she was a very young girl. Hey, where's the flashback to her first period? Anyway, it's sappy, but cute -- although it's sort of ruined by the goofy look Stephen Collins has on his face. I swear he's doing it on purpose. Eric explains that while the Glenoak airport is still closed, airports in some of the surrounding cities are open, so the wedding guests may arrive yet. Lucy has faith that they will be there. She gives RevCam the obligatory thanks for performing her wedding ceremony -- and for returning to the church, of course. RevCam tells her she doesn't have to marry the nasty old rust-bucket, and he then wonders if she's just doing it to trick him back into the church. Damn. How does Brenda even come up with an idea as stupid as that? I can't think about this scene any more or I'll go crazy.
The T-1000 and Simon are in the living room, laughing uproariously at what appears to be a cartoon starring Raggedy Ann and Andy. That's a rather strange viewing selection. Ruthie comes in and wants to know why they're wearing sweats. Shut up, Ruthie! Nobody else cares, and you shouldn't either. Kevin confronts the possibility that his mother and brother may not make it to the wedding, but he doesn't seem overly concerned at the prospect. He does, however ask Simon to be his best man if Ben can't make it. You know, the way RevCam described the recessional at the wedding rehearsal would totally mean that Simon is the best man already, but then, I can't expect Brenda to take five seconds out of her busy schedule of creating mind-numbing crap in order to crack open an etiquette book and check up on this. Of course, I think it was already established last year, throughout the entire Dopey/Plot Contrivance wedding planning fiasco, that Brenda doesn't have even a nodding acquaintance with modern etiquette. Reality either, come to think of it.
At a rest stop in the desert, Ben and Mrs. Kinkirk are sitting in the front seat of car where Ben is stuffing his face with junk food. Roxanne is nowhere to be seen, and everyone else looks extremely annoyed. Finally, Roxanne emerges from the bathroom and incredulously asks Chandler, "You were just standing there, listening to me puke?" RevBong tries to make up for that by romantically telling her how bad she looks. Hey, that's kind of harsh! And it's not even true. I think she looks better than usual, since her hair is all natural-looking and they've gone easy on the makeup. Chandler tries to convince her to go to a hospital. Pretty drastic, you say? I'd have to agree. Roxanne goes too far in the opposite direction, though, by insisting they drive to the wedding or Kevin will "kill" her. If I were one of Roxanne's traveling companions, I certainly wouldn't want to be cooped up in a car with her and her germs.
As soon as Roxanne and RevBong get back in the car, Roxanne jumps out again and runs off to puke some more. Having to pretend to find RevBong's Furrowed Brow Of Bad Acting sexy would probably have that effect on just about anyone. Ben uses Roxanne's absence to suggest that they just bring her to a hospital and abandon her there. Sounds intriguing, Ben. Tell me more. RevBong freaks out, though, and orders Ben out of the car so he can "kill" him. Aw, don't do that, Chandler! After that Trading Spacesepisode, you can count me among those people who found Geoff Stults rather endearing. Damn, I can't believe I just admitted that.
Back at the CamPound, Eric answers the phone with a frantic, "Just tell me you're coming, no matter who you are." Ew. Is that how he always answers the phone? Or does Stephen Collins think he's a character in one of his "erotic thrillers"? I thought that usually when people make perverted phone calls, they call other people and try to stay anonymous. Oh, and it's Uncle Hank. That's certainly not very erotic or thrilling. He's calling to tell Eric that his stupid offspring will be missing the wedding because they're sick. Hank probably won't make it either, since he's waiting for one of his patients to give birth. As he puts it, "I can't do a caesarean just because I want to see Lucy and Kevin get married." Can't he? Because a storyline like that has Brenda written all over it. Hank informs us that the Colonel and Grandma Ruth consider Gabrielle to be their wedding gift to Lucy and Kevin. Ha! They must really hate Lucy. A lot. Even though Gabrielle is pretty cool, that's still an even worse gift than a Royal Doulton figurine, or a cedar plaque for the bathroom that says, "If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie."
Annie is spending her daughter's wedding day…Windexing the doors? There honestly aren't any better ways for her to use her time? When Annie sees Lucy coming down the stairs, she gets The Vacuous Stare Of Flashbacks on her face, and the clips begin. Annie's not flashing back to her own experiences with Lucy, though. Not surprising, since I've never thought of them as being particularly close. No, Annie is envisioning scenes between her mother and Lucy, such as the one in which her mom teaches Lucy how to make cookies. Hey, I think that might be the first time ever that we've seen Lucy raise a finger to help out in the kitchen. Annie admits that she's missing her mother, and Lucy launches into some bullshit about how Grandma is "a part of [them] always." I know this is supposed to be a nice moment, but sentiments like that have always creeped me out. What is she even talking about? Things perk up a bit when Lucy says she will be wearing her grandmother's locket as her "something old." I really don't need to hear that her "something blue" is a garter. I'm sure it's one of those really overpriced, useless things you buy at bridal shops, and I can only hope that during the hideous wedding reception, Kevin will not remove it from her thigh with his cyborg teeth. Lucy is a trifle apprehensive that having the wedding with so many of the guests missing will make her look "desperate." Isn't it a little late to be worrying about that? I mean, I think her storylines from the past two seasons have pretty effectively taken care of that already. Annie really doesn't want Lucy to postpone her wedding, since she's worried that any delay could cause RevCam to back out of returning to the church. That must make Lucy feel very special and cherished on this, her wedding day. As Lucy leaves, Annie puts The Vacuous Stare Of Flashbacks back on her face as she remembers giving Lucy her mother's locket.
The trip down memory lane is interrupted by the ringing of the telephone -- and the arrival of Thing One and Thing Two, who should never, ever, ever be allowed to answer the phone. Naturally, they do it in unison, and, quite frankly, if I were calling the Camdens for some reason -- I know, suspend your disbelief for a second -- and heard the twins answer the phone like that, I'd hang right up and call NASA to report an alien invasion. The caller is Mary, and for some reason, she stays on the line. She thinks that she will make it to the church on time, and she's also bringing a surprise guest. Oh, right -- that would be Dopey, I'm sure. Oops, I probably shouldn't spoil the "surprise" for both the viewers who didn't see that coming from two thousand miles away. Annie claims that it's totally fine for Mary to bring an unexpected guest at the very last minute. Yeah, that's right. Who cares how much advance notice those damn caterers need to, you know, buy and prepare food and stuff. As Annie puts down the phone, she closes her eyes for a while. I think it's supposed to connote happiness, but it looks more like she's fallen asleep. Her and a large percentage of the audience, no doubt.
Now it's RevCam's turn to watch some cartoons. His bizarre selection is Mighty Mouse, although when Lucy walks in, I can see why he might have chosen it, since all those rollers in her hair make her look a little like the cartoon rodent herself. Lucy's ready to head down to the church with Annie, but first she wants to know where Kevin is. She's still worried that he won't show up for the wedding. She even looks weepy. That is so pathetic that I feel like crying. RevCam tells Lucy that the way he got rid of the T-1000 was to pretend that he wanted to talk about sex. That prospect apparently blew a circuit or two, so the cyborg took off. Lucy compliments her dad's technique (for getting rid of Kevin, that is; not for…er, never mind), implying once again that it's so great that RevCam's going back to the church. Right, because we couldn't possibly have more than a thirty-second stretch without someone mentioning that all-important subplot. And then it's time for the "Who Will Make It To The Wedding?" round-up -- something else we haven't heard for nearly a minute. Lucy claims that she and Annie aren't going to worry about who Mary is bringing as her guest. RevCam thinks that's very "Zen" of them; I think it just makes them seem normal and healthy -- for once. RevCam tries to warn Lucy not to expect too many wedding guests by saying, "No expectations, no disappointments." I should embroider that on a pillow and place it on top of the TV when I watch this show each week.
The phone rings again. RevCam rushes to answer it so he can say smutty things to the caller, but Simon gets to it first. The caller has already hung up by the time RevCam rudely grabs the phone from Simon. No phone sex for you today, Eric. Simon says that the caller was Annie's father, who is on his way to Glenoak. Simon won't say who Grandpa hitched a ride with, though.
If you figured it was Gabrielle, you were right. She's gone to Arizona to pick up the GramRents. Ginger, however, thought the trip would be "too dangerous," so she stayed behind, leaving Gramps alone in the car with Gabrielle, who wastes no time coming on to him. Heh. She rocks so hard. Gabrielle is completely unfazed when Gramps slides her hand off his knee and tells her he's in love with Ginger. In fact, she even winks at him.
It's time to check in with the losers in the desert. Roxanne is still whining about how Kevin will "kill" her if she doesn't make it to his lame-ass wedding on time. What is it he does for a living again? Oh, right -- he's a cop. You know, someone really needs to investigate the Glenoak PD. It doesn't sound like they're short on corruption or anything. Annoyed by Roxanne's whining, Ben gets out of the car and invites Chandler to slug him -- an offer I would find far more intriguing if it were being made by the other Stults brother. RevBong takes him up on it, though. Ben looks like he weighs twice as much as RevBong, so it's a little hard to suspend my disbelief when it seems that Chandler is actually holding his own in this fight.
Roxanne takes a break from puking behind the dumpster to order the guys to quit fighting. She even threatens to shoot them. What was I just saying about the Glenoak PD? Mrs. Kinkirk rolls her eyes at the boys and says, "If it were Ben and Kevin, I would just leave them." Yeah, but Kevin doesn't weigh 112 pounds, like Chandler, does he? Because Brenda can't be bothered to come up with a realistic reason for Bo and Roxanne to throw down, she has Roxanne inexplicably get offended by Bo's comment. A few lame insults are exchanged, and then Mrs. Kinkirk takes a swing at Roxanne. Go, Bo! I'm not sure I'd be punching Roxanne in the torso, though. Hasn't she just spent the better part of the last day tossing her Brenda's Cookies?
As Ruthie walks down the front stairway in the CamPound, RevCam stares at her. Ruthie interprets this to mean that Eric thinks she looks grown-up, but I am not nearly as charitable. The last time I saw anyone wearing dorky see-through cap sleeves like that, I believe it was at Disneyland. Eric gets all sappy, but Ruthie assures him that even if she "does marry Peter Petrowski," she won't do it until she is at least thirty. It's hard to tell if RevCam is trying hard not to laugh at her or if he is genuinely dismayed because she doesn't want to be married as soon as she graduates high school.
Simon comes down the stairs . The joyous cries of pre-teen girls are heard throughout the land. Simon's such a dreamboat!
, it's Kevin, and he's carrying a couple of lawn jockeys he stole from a neighbor's yard. Oops, I'm sorry -- I didn't realize those were actually the twins! I guess I didn't see all the Little Lord Fauntleroy crap they're wearing at first, because their stupid berets distracted me. This stuff is even worse than Annie's sailor outfit. I don't know what the fuck Brenda was thinking, but those poor Brino kids are going to be needing some serious therapy when they reach their teens and take a good, close look at this episode. RevCam suggests that the T-1000 and Lucy won't be ready for children for a long time. Having seen the twins' pukey outfits must have convinced Kevin of that fact already, as he is quick to agree. He also calls RevCam "Dad," which causes Eric to touch his face tenderly. It's time for yet another round of everyone's favorite party game, "Who Will Show Up For The Wedding?" No one seems overly disappointed to learn that Patty Mary will not be in attendance. Kevin also informs us that his sister has hooked up with a guy at the airport. Okay, there's just no way that could not be a shout-out to all of you who post in our forums. Brenda loves you! She really does! There is a knock on the front door, but instead of opening the door to see who really is there, all the losers stand around and speculate on who might be there. When the shorter twin suggests opening the door, it should be a cute moment, but it's really not.
The arrivals are Asslee and Peter. How exciting! Simon starts making out with wobble-headed Asslee right there and then, which is pretty damn rude, even for a Camden. Doesn't he know he should be doing this on one of the living room couches so everyone can be more comfortable as they watch? It's also customary to provide light refreshments for the onlookers, I believe. Peter is trying to tell Ruthie how nice she looks, but I'm having a hard time hearing it over the laughter that filled my home when Peter actually called Ruthie "honey." Hell, even the bunny is laughing.
Down at the church, Lucy has taken out her curlers to reveal her special wedding-day 'do. It looks exactly like her everyday 'do. I would have thought those rollers would have at least imparted a little volume or something, but nope. Oh, well. Lucy is also suffering from doubts about whether she wants to marry the freak-ass T-1000. She wonders if she should wait until she's finished college and has some money of her own. Well, fucking duh. Annie, however, looks scared that Lucy will cancel the wedding and somehow jeopardize RevCam's return to the church. Who cares if her daughter ends up at the women's shelter week when abusive Kevin finally snaps? As long as Eric's back at church, that's all we need to care about.
Annie runs right to RevCam to tell him of Lucy's concerns. She tries to pretend that Lucy really will be better married off to a psycho robot, but I'm not buying it. When Simon comes along and wants to know what's going on, I half expect her to say, "Oh, shut up. You don't get any plots anymore because you're leaving after this season," but she just changes the subject and asks about some guests nobody even cares about. Ruthie comes along and wastes our time with a similar update.
When RevCam tries to reassure everyone that "there are no bad omens, just nervous brides," Ruthie asks, "What does that mean?" From around the corner we hear someone else ask, "What does what mean?" It's Mary, and why the hell does Brenda have her making such a weird entrance? Can't she just have her come in and say "hi" like a normal person? Ah, but I'd forgotten how Brenda loves to humiliate Mary. I've trashed Mary plenty of times myself, back in the day, but I have to agree with many of you who have said that it's appalling how mean Brenda has been to her on occasion. Despite that, however, seeing Mary again makes me remember just why I used to dislike her so much, and I must confess that my dislike hasn't subsided any. That's why this whole joyous reunion scene is leaving me cold. Worse than cold. Kind of squeamish, actually. You don't mind if we move on, do you?
Seeing Barry Watson, on the other hand, is surprisingly nice. And while I'll admit that it's partly because I'm glad he's come through his battle with cancer so well, I never did feel any real dislike for him, the way I always have for Jessica Biel. So, have you had enough of my soul-searching confessions? Me too. I'll just add that I also think Barry Watson's hair looks great, and then we'll leave it at that. Besides, seeing the twins waving dorkily to everyone from a distance, since nobody wants to touch them, pretty much breaks up the contemplative mood anyway.
Bo and Ben have finally made it to the church, although evidently they could not be bothered to change their clothes. Roxanne and RevBong are nowhere to be seen. Ben and his mom are discussing what to tell people about the desert fistfight when Kevin walks up. Bo and Ben have to explain that they were in a fight. To tell you the truth, none of it is making any more sense than it did when it actually happened. Simon comes up and stares at Ben and Bo as if they smell bad. Which, in all fairness, they might. Now, why the hell are they standing around here instead of changing into something a little less rumpled and filthy? When the T-1000 mentions that Simon can still be his best man, I suspect Kevin's decision has less to do with disappointing Simon than it does with the fact that Simon is simply better dressed.
As Roxanne and RevBong enter, they're feeling euphoric about their fight. Woo hoo! All right, losers! I don't care if you think you won; you're still losers to me. Chandler asks Roxanne, "Are you gonna be okay, or should I bring a bucket in?" You know, if Roxanne's not gonna use that bucket, would you mind leaving it with me? This episode's not going down real well, and since we still have the wedding to get through, I have no reason to think it's going to get any easier.
Quick -- pass the bucket now! It's Aunt Julie, and she's just as annoying as ever. It doesn't help any that she's with Uncle Hank. When the irksome couple mention that their kids have the flu, Roxanne goes into meltdown mode and starts accusing Hank of passing on his germs when she gave him a ride the night before. So there actually was a point to that scene! Not much of one, but still, more than there is to many scenes on this show. I'm not sure why Roxanne is still passing her germs around to all the unsuspecting wedding guests, but why should she bother to be thoughtful or considerate? Nobody else ever is in Glenoak.
Well, maybe Dopey is -- at least today. He's trying to explain to Lucy why she should get over her fears and marry Kevin, if that's what she really wants. When Matt/Barry says, "Life is short, Luce. I see it every day," I'm sure Brenda meant it to be as ambiguous as it sounded. I want to stay cynical, but I do find the scene rather moving. On the other hand, we are talking about Lucy marrying the T-1000 -- a freaky android who treats her like crap -- so I do have to take it all with a grain of salt.
When RevCam walks into the church, the congregation breaks out in applause. I'll bet Lucy is spittin' mad that anyone would detract from her day like that. Simon leads Annie to the front pew and then joins the abusive rust-bucket at the altar. Gabrielle calls out to Annie, "Aren't you going to thank me?" She's referring to the fact that she brought Annie's father to Glenoak. Annie hugs her dad, which is also quite moving, considering that the actor who played him, Graham Jarvis, died recently. It's so rare that I find anything on 7th Heaven even remotely poignant that I tend to be bowled over when it actually happens.
Seeing the twins as ring-bearers, or Mary and Ben walking down the aisle together, doesn't exactly bring tears to my eyes, though. I can't believe Mary couldn't take two or three minutes to change out of her ugly JetBlue uniform into something even vaguely more appropriate. Hey, and speaking of inappropriate, she and Ben are using their walk down the aisle to engage in some flirty banter that might make for a good scene if it were written by someone other than Brenda. I have nothing against people talking to each other as they walk down the aisle, mind you, but I do think it's pretty funny that Mary obviously doesn't find her sister's wedding interesting enough to hold her attention. To be honest, I don't either, but I'm not part of the happy CamClan. We learn that Robbie has moved to Florida, which is something Mary didn't know. We also learn that Ben went down to Florida to visit Mary last week, although he missed her because she was in Buffalo then. Please, Brenda, don't let Mary get back together with either of these guys. Discover a new state, if you must, that could provide beaux for Mary -- fresh ones that she hasn't already broken up with twenty or thirty times. And whatever you do, please, please don't bring Wilson back. There. Now all I need are two other people to back me up, and Brenda will have to listen.
Dopey leads Lucy down the aisle to the strains of Wagner's "Wedding March." Good golly, I didn't realize anyone in the past thirty years or so has even thought of using this song. Hey, and if you listen real close, you can almost hear the crew in the background, singing,
Here comes the groom
What a buffoon
Surely this marriage
Will end in great doom.
Wow, that's not very nice of them, is it? As Lucy nears the altar, the camera closes in on RevCam's face, then pans over to Kevin. The smile on the robot's face is evil, pure and simple.
RevCam can't even be arsed to say a few words before the ceremony; he just dives right in and asks who gives Lucy in marriage. The entire pack of jackasses responds in the affirmative, and all the extras in the church fake-laugh ostentatiously. When that dies down, RevCam says, "Lucy and Kevin have chosen traditional vows, hoping that all of you who are married will remember your vows and be reminded of your promises to each other." Man, even during her own wedding, this annoying Camden still has to tell other people what to do. You just can't get away from the bossiness, can you? Gramps uses this opportunity to shake his left hand in Gabrielle's face so that she will be reminded of his wedding vows, while the director tells Dopey to look down at his own wedding ring in an exceedingly dorky manner. Eric adds, "Lucy and Kevin look forward to being with those of you who are in love and will one day be married, and at your wedding, Lucy and Kevin will remember their vows and promises to each other." I'm not at all surprised to hear that Lucy and Kevin will only be thinking of themselves during everyone else's weddings, because they really both are utterly selfish. Besides, RevCam's only saying that stupid line anyway so we can see a shot of Roxanne and RevBong, followed by one of Ruthie and -- oh, gag -- Peter. There's even one of Simon and Asslee looking at each other. Yeah, don't get too comfy, Asslee. I hear your days on this show are definitely numbered. Boo hoo.
On to the vows. Kevin delivers them with the same facial expression he's always sporting -- that vague, sneering half-smile that makes him look real mean. He promises to "respect" Lucy, which is a laugh and a half. When RevCam starts in on Lucy's vows, she cuts him off almost immediately by saying, "I do." Unfortunately, all the actors must pretend this is funny, and, quite frankly, not everyone is up to the task. (Ben, I'm looking at you.) Simon doesn't even bother trying, which I have to respect.
Blah blah, twins bring up wedding rings; blah blah, shots of extras Brenda owes favors to; blah blah, more vows. Oh, and don't forget the random shots of other characters trying hard to smile naturally as if they were enjoying themselves. In case you were wondering, Lucy does not promise to obey the cyborg. The rings are given, there's some very chaste kissing (appropriate, for once), and RevCam introduces the doomed couple as "Mr. and Mrs. Kinkirk," although if there were any justice in this world, he would have said, "KingJerk." Nobody bothers signing the marriage license -- not that the usual signatories, the best man and maid of honor, are old enough to sign legal documents anyway. And I'm no expert on California law, but I'm pretty sure that where I live, it's not even legal to marry a robot.
Well, that's all, folks. We're talking four minutes from start to finish, including the recessional. Boy, if all church services were this short, I'd consider going to church occasionally. I'd just have to make sure it wasn't RevCam's.