Usually I tape the episode from the Sunday night Canadian airing, but occasionally I can't face it and have to wait until Monday to watch. The great part about watching it on the WB is, of course, the fabulous lead-in, where the WB announcer makes it sound like the episode will actually be good. So, what will we be seeing this week? Well, judging from this lead-in promo, it looks like Lucy's going to cheat on Kevin "T-1000" with Chandler, and then the T-1000 is going to break off his engagement to Lucy. Having been subjected to a viewing of this episode already, and knowing that this isn't at all what happens, I am still convinced that the promo producers don't even bother watching the show. Not that I blame them, but still. Amateurs.
As the episode proper begins, we're in the CamBoudoir, where Stephen Collins is badly overacting RevCam waking up from a bad dream. It seems he's had one of those performance anxiety nightmares where he can't remember how to perform the wedding vows and he's not wearing any clothes. Interesting. I don't usually have the naked dreams -- unless it's an erotic one about Ed Begley. Heh, just kidding. I usually get the one where it's near the end of the school year and I've been skipping half my classes and forgot to drop them and don't even know what assignments I've neglected to hand in. Or the one where, even though I've finished university, it turns out that I never completed grade four, so I have to go back to elementary school. Yeah, I already know my subconscious is weird.
Anyway, RevCam isn't completely naked in his dream. He says, "I was marrying Kevin and Lucy in my underwear." Okay, but will there be room enough in there for all three of them? Ooh, that reminds me of another story that has nothing whatsoever to do with this show. My grandmother's church used to put on these lotteries where you buy, like, five tickets for a dollar. Most of them are blank, but some have numbers for prizes that have been donated by parishioners. Some of the prizes are good, but many of them get donated right back to the church, like the Michael Jackson Thriller album and assorted religious icons my dad won. Once my sister won a pair of shorts that were so big that she and I could both fit into them at the same time. If I'd known that RevCam would be needing them one day, I would have held onto them. What's that? I'm supposed to be talking about 7th Heaven? But it's so boring! Okay. Hey, twenty seconds of recap down; fifty-three minutes and forty seconds to go!
RevCam bemoans the fact that his first official act in the church upon his return will be to perform his daughter's wedding ceremony. Yeah, doofus, a number of people in our forum have suggested that you could have eased back into the ministerial bit, so you're getting exactly zero sympathy from moi. Ugh, now he's talking about how the wedding day is supposed to be the "happiest day of Lucy's life." That sentiment always makes me want to hurl, especially since it's so rarely applied to men. I guess once us women snare ourselves a man, though, we've really accomplished something! Also, if your life is all downhill after your wedding day, then you've got a very sad life and should probably consider getting divorced and finding someone who will make you happier. Speaking of which, RevCam is pissed because Annie's fallen back to sleep instead of listening to his stupid grumbling.
Ew. There's Kreepy Kevin walking into the CamPound to find Lucy asleep at the kitchen table, leaning over a pile of schoolbooks. He tenderly places a shawl around her shoulders instead of, say, waking her up so her back won't get totally stiff. Poor Kevin. By this point, he just can't win. Brenda could have him donate his entire fortune to orphaned puppies, and we'd still find nasty things to say about his cyborg ass.
Simon is in bed with Happy. I don't want to imply a relationship that may not exist, but I must point out that Simon looks extremely contented in his slumber, while Happy just looks dejected and worried. We get a shot of Simon's bedside table, which has a couple pictures of Asslee on it. Did this scene even have a point? If so, what was it?
A man walks into a convenience store. He and the clerk exposition enough to tell me that this guy is Roxanne's dad. While the exposition is as clunky as always, it's handy for people like me who preferred to get last week's episode in recap form and wouldn't recognize this guy if they tripped over him. Roxanne Senior is played by Matthew Perry's real-life dad, who is, the IMDb tells me, "best known as the sailor in the 'Old Spice' commercials." Hey, it's better than being known for guest-starring on 7H, right? While PopRox gets a coffee, another guy walks into the shop and pulls out a gun. I'm guessing it's the actor's first time holding a gun, since he doesn't look very comfortable with it. Neither does PopRox, who has allegedly been a cop for years. PopRox tries to bluff that his partner has already called in the robbery, even though there really hasn't been any time for that, and despite the fact that the partner is nowhere to be seen. The World's Worst Burglar and PopRox exchange social pleasantries. No, really. It appears they both know each other. That's nice, I suppose, but PopRox still wants the thief to put down his gun. Before we can find out what happens, the hideous theme song kicks in. Yeah, the suspense? Killing me.
This week's Opening Credits Timewaster is brought to you by Sue Tenney. It consists of RevCam tossing and turning endlessly in bed, then picking up the alarm clock and panicking. Come on, Sue. That's just sad. I can sympathize with the burnout you're probably feeling, but aren't you even going to try anymore? We viewers make the effort to watch your crappy stories each week, but if you're not going to put in at least a token effort, it's pretty insulting to your audience. Oh, but what was I thinking? It's not like the rest of the episode won't totally insult my intelligence as well.
RevCam rushes down to the CamKitchen, where Annie is putting away some product-placed breakfast cereals. I'm not going to tell you which ones, though, because the advertisers really should be placing their products in better shows. Few scenes demonstrate the general crappiness of the show better than this one, wherein Eric berates Annie for not waking him up earlier. It's not that he has something important to do. No, he just wants to "practice waking up." What a dildo. Annie suggests that he talk to his good friend Reverend Morgan Hamilton, who's been vacationing on The Isle of Forgotten Guest Stars for the past few years. Annie expositions that Morgan's wife, Patricia, will be coming over to help her finish The Unfinished Garage Treehouse of Terror today. That's real nice, SuperMom. You don't talk to someone for over two years, and then the first time you contact her, you ask for a big favor like that? I'd tell you where to go, but that's just me. It's hilarious to think that Annie really plans to finish off the Treehouse. You see, Kevin and Lucy will be living there after their marriage. Like that's not a recipe for disaster. Way to cut the apron strings, Lucy. Let's hope Annie adds plumbing to the list of finishing touches. While Kevin was living there alone, it probably wasn't an issue. What does a cyborg need plumbing for anyway? It would be pretty pathetic for Lucy to have to run back into the CamPound every time she needs to take a leak, though. I also wonder if Annie will be installing two single beds in the Treehouse.
Lucy is studying grumpily as the T-1000 tries to kiss her. She whines that she has a test coming up. Kevin first tries to get her to blow off studying; then he lectures her about not studying enough. "What a winner," comments my husband as he walks by. He warns me that he's going to be using the power drill in the kitchen hallway. I, in turn, warn him that I'm going to be playing endless clips of 7th Heaven in the living room. You tell me which sound is more irritating. Lucy complains profusely about everything she has to do, including "planning on how [she and Kevin] are going to live after the wedding," whatever the hell that means. Maybe she's just sad that the happiest day of her life will be over and she'll have to get through each and every day knowing that dismal fact. Numerous forum posters have suggested that Kevin Big Bucks could part with a few of his dollars to fund a wedding planner, and Brenda must have been listening, because now he finally offers. Unfortunately, Lucy is far too stupid to take him up on the offer. Someone needs to tell her that a wedding planner does the boring legwork of contacting vendors so you don't have to. You can still call the shots when it comes to choosing stuff. But Lucy would rather do everything herself. Are we supposed to think that she's being down-to-earth and unpretentious? Because that's really not working for me. A martyr is a martyr, and they're generally really fucking annoying to be around. So is the T-1000, especially while he's lecturing Lucy when she considers taking a break from school. I think she should drop out entirely and devote one hundred percent of her time to being stupid and irksome. If she's doing so well at that just working on it part-time, think about the depths to which she could descend if she gave it her full attention.
Ruthie is talking to an unnamed person on the phone. She hangs up when Kevin walks in to weirdly exposition that, since Annie and Patricia are working on the Treehouse, Ben will have to "find somewhere else to lay around on his day off." Is that the best Sue can come up with for realistic conversations? This is making the story I wrote in grade two about a talking alley cat read like Shakespeare. Hey, maybe I'll pitch it to the WB! With this network, you never know, right? When Ruthie finds out that Ben will be home all day, she says, "This is not good." Knowing what I do about who Ruthie was speaking to on the phone earlier, and why she's worried about Ben being around, I'll have to amend her statement to, "This is not good writing at all. In fact, it's terrible. Just really, really crappy." The phone rings. This time the caller is Roxanne, so Ruthie passes the phone to Kevin. Instead of sticking around to eavesdrop on his conversation, though, she leaves the room. Weird. I hope she's feeling okay.
Roxanne is upset because there's "something going on" with her father. She passive-aggressively pretends that she doesn't need the T-1000 to come down to the station with her. This accomplishes her mission of getting him to volunteer. All us women are real crafty that way. Did you know that?
Ruthie enters The Treehouse of Terror to inform Ben that Kevin sent her up to kick him out of the apartment. That's not true at all, but whatever. She tries to bribe him to come down to the Promenade with her by promising him burgers. He's understandably suspicious, but the promise of burgers is far too enticing to pass up, even if it means he'll have to eat them in Ruthie's company. If I were Ben (shudder), I'd just tally up the cost of lunch and see if I could get Ruthie to fork over the cash instead.
I really do have to warn you that the couple of paragraphs are going to get pretty disturbing. They involve the twins and Asslee, and contain graphic examples of just how low the human psyche can descend when talentless hacks are given access to scriptwriting software. If you've got a weak stomach, you may want to skip ahead. Ready? Okay. And don't say I didn't warn you. Simon is sitting at the kitchen table, and he and Asslee are staring into each other's eyes. That's all well and stupid, but hardly shocking. The really creepy part is that the twins are in Simon's lap, and they are also staring at Cecilia. They're not quite sure why they're doing it, though, so Thing One asks Simon. His answer? "Because she's beautiful." Oh, the horror! But it gets even worse. Thing Two chimes in with, "Yeah, she's byoooootiful!" Asslee is flattered by this, and not at all creeped out that even the family dog is staring intently at her. Of course, I don't think anyone on the show has ever called her smart.
SuperMom comes in and wants to know what's going on. Thing One helpfully informs her that they're "staring at Cecilia." Thing Two chimes in with another round of, "She's byoooootiful!" Thing One explains, "We like staring at Cecilia." Just for good measure, Thing Two treats us to yet another "she's byoooootiful!" At this point I don't think there's anything left in my stomach to puke up. What kind of effect were the creators of this monstrosity going for? If they're finally trying to end the speculation over whether the twins have diminished mental capacities, this scene hardly seems like a sensitive way to do it. However, if they're trying to convince very young, impressionable girls that having creepy guys staring at you fixedly is not cause for alarm, they've probably succeeded. Why anyone would want to do that, though, really is beyond me.
After Annie leaves, Asslee tells Simon, "We're right back where we were a month ago." And which crappy episode would that be? "At the same place we were at when we both wanted to have sex." Ah, that one. Well, at least this time Asslee's acknowledging that she wanted to have sex too. I'm not sure that perpetuating the notion that only guys want sex -- as this show has been doing recently with the whole Simon and Cecilia storyline -- was really doing anyone a service.
So, Reverend Hamilton is back. I honestly can't say I missed him much, but he more likeable than most of the guest stars. Right now he's trying to calm RevCam performance anxiety. Obviously, he's a miracle worker, because he accomplishes that in about twenty seconds. Or maybe Sue realized that this is a really stupid excuse for a plot and that she shouldn't devote too much time to it. RevCam's problem handily dispensed with, Morgan now tells Eric he needs some help himself.
Patricia provides the exposition, as she complains to Annie up in The Treehouse of Terror. Neither of them is paying any attention to the twins playing with power tools, so we probably don't have to bother with them either. We learn that Morgan wants to go on tour with a jazz band instead of being a full-time minister. Hey, it's almost exactly like RevCam wanting to quit the ministry to write smutty novels! And everyone knows how enthralling that particular storyline has turned out to be. Lest you think this is too much of a coincidence to be believable, Patricia tells us that Morgan's epiphany was inspired by Eric's soul-searching. Thanks for going that extra mile to make it all so realistic, writers. Patricia is peeved, but not for any of the practical, normal reasons you might expect -- such as worry over finances. No, Patricia's reasoning runs along the same absurd lines as Annie's. As she puts it, "I married a minister, not a jazz musician." That pretty much kills any sympathy I might have been inclined to give her.
Down at the Glenoak PD, Roxanne and Kevin are talking to Detective Michaels. He tells Roxanne that her father is talking to some other detectives, but that when he is finished, he has something he wants to tell Roxanne himself. All Roxanne has to do is halfheartedly monotone that she wants "to know now," and Michaels caves right in. He tells her about what happened earlier in the convenience store, adding that PopRox shot the burglary suspect and killed him. This makes Roxanne go all defensive, as she wants to know why police officers are interrogating her father "like he did something wrong." That's quite an assumption there, Roxanne. And seriously, don't you think it's possible that PopRox would have to talk about this incident and fill out reams of paperwork and so on? A man is dead, for Christ's sake. I can't even bear to think how hard a spin-off of this show starring Roxanne and Chandler would suck. Roxanne needs to shut up posthaste. The worst is yet to come, though. Michaels goes on to tell us that the man PopRox shot was the same man suspected of killing Roxanne's mother years ago. Aurghh! Maybe PopRox could come over here and shoot me now, before I have to watch the rest of this awful episode.
In the CamKitchen, the CamRents are freely discussing the Hamiltons' marital problems. Where did they stash the Hamiltons, anyway? They're nowhere to be seen. I love it when Annie says, "We have to do something about Patricia and Morgan." Yeah, that's one possibility. Or else you could, you know, butt the hell out of it and not fuck up their relationship even more. The CamRents' discussion of strategy is sidelined somewhat by the fact that Annie becomes fixated on the idea that she didn't make any mistakes dealing with Eric this past year. Right, and I'm Brenda Hampton. The CamDorks decide that Eric will counsel Patricia while Annie talks to Morgan.
Lucy is talking to some guy down at Crawford Clown College. I think he's one of her professors, but he could be her academic advisor. Is that what they're called? We never had them at my school. Oh, and at my school, professors weren't allowed to put students on academic probation, which is what this guy is threatening to do to Lucy. It seems her schoolwork has been slipping -- in the past two weeks since she got engaged. What the hell? Seriously, I've taken year-long courses where my entire mark consisted of two big essays and a midterm exam. I don't know what kind of grade-school approach they take at the Clown College to enable Lucy's course grade to drop two notches in two weeks. Her prof advises her to take an "incomplete" in the course rather than jeopardize the rest of her work. However, he does caution her that most students he's known who have done that never return to school. I try my hardest to care even one iota, but that task is beyond me.
Down on the Promenade, Ruthie and Ben are checking out chicks. No, it's not Ruthie's coming out episode, although that would be interesting. Ruthie is just trying to get Ben a girlfriend. She insists that he requires one, despite the fact that he doesn't seem to care much about it one way or the other. Maybe he's discovered Dopey's cache of discarded Hello Kitty porn and a tub of hair greasification product, and he's totally satisfied by that.
Down at Flick's, Simon and Asslee buy two tickets for a movie called Sammy The Squirrel Takes A Holiday. Simon comments that watching this squirrel movie for two hours guarantees that he and Asslee won't be thinking about sex. That's some of the stupidest logic I've ever heard, but look at the source.
Kevin is trying to comfort Roxanne, who's being really rude to him. Of course, he is the T-1000, and super-annoying. The worst part is when Roxanne says that she doesn't want to talk to Chandler right now, but as soon as her back is turned, Kevin calls him anyway. Patriarch knows best, I suppose.
Back at the CamPound, RevCam is trying to explain to Patricia about why he took a break from the church. The explanation doesn't make much sense, and the whole "RevCam crisis of faith" storyline is just as boring when Morgan's in the middle of it. Which is why it should come as no surprise when I tell you that a scene where Annie tries to counsel Morgan is so dull that it's not even worth discussing.
Lucy has tracked down Kevin at the police station because she needs to talk to him. She realizes her timing is bad, and she's apologetic about that. Besides, Roxanne is nowhere to be seen, and she's already told the T-1000 to leave her alone. Thus, you would think Kevin could spare a few moments to talk to his fiancee, right? Wrong. The T-1000 is as much an asshole as ever while he refuses to talk to Lucy. So she passive-aggressively tells him that her problems can wait until later but that she just wanted to tell him she quit school. Then she flounces off. Kevin just stands there, sporting the same stupid facial expression he usually wears. Whoever should have yelled "cut" must have drifted off for a bit.
Simon and Asslee are making out in the movie theater while a bunch of little kids watch them. Really, kids, it's not that exciting. Trust me. The usher comes up and asks Simon and Asslee to leave. He pretty much sums up everything when he disgustedly asks, "Can't you find a better place to make out than a Sammy the Squirrel movie?" The revolting lovebirds try to argue that they're just watching the movie, but the usher, unlike the vast majority of Glenoak residents, is not stupid. Simon and Asslee leave.
Elsewhere on the Promenade, Ruthie walks up to Ben. She's got an attractive brunette named Jill in tow. Ruthie performs the introductions like a personals ad, helpfully filling us in on important facts like Jill's favorite color (blue) and her taste in meat (burgers, not steaks). She even asks Ben to take his shirt off so that Jill can see his chest. Before she can get around to inviting Ben to examine Jill's teeth, Jill asks, "Are we on camera or something?" When Ben replies in the negative, Jill asks, "So, what, you two are just weirdos?" Ha! What's even funnier is that while Jill runs away, calling for "security," Ruthie just stands there, smiling psychotically at Ben.
The CamRents have ditched the Hamiltons again for one of their special kitchen chats. Discouraged by their lack of success in saving the Hamilton marriage, Annie announces that she has a "nutty" plan. I believe that "nutty" is sitcom-speak for "incredibly retarded."
RevBong has rushed down to the police station to talk to Roxanne. She's pretty pissed at Kevin for calling him when she expressly asked him not to. It looks like she's still not ready to acknowledge that men just have better judgment than women. And what's with the attitude? She probably has PMS. Detective Michaels comes out and tells her that PopRox is almost done with his interview, so he'll be out in a few minutes. He also tells her that her father has decided to quit the police force. Roxanne says, "Okay, now I'm upset." Good thing she spelled it out, because I don't know if I'd have picked that up from her "acting." Honestly, didn't Rachel Blanchard used to be a better actress? Maybe it's not that the performers on 7th Heaven started out as bad actors; maybe the show itself sucks the acting skills right out of them.
It's really hard to have any sympathy for Roxanne when she's so hateful and stupid. She assumes that the police department is forcing her father to quit, even though, as Chandler points out, Detective Michaels never said that. Then she goes off on a simple-minded rant about how "bad" people deserve to die. Honestly, her points sound like something one of the twins would make up: "Bad man not byoooootiful!" Because I can understand the revenge motive, I'd like to cut her some slack, but the fact that her job allows her to carry a gun scares me too much. Chandler is pretty reasonable as he tries to talk some sense into Roxanne, but what he gets for his efforts is Roxanne calling him a "bleeding-heart liberal." Bwa! Like Brenda would know a bleeding-heart liberal if it walked up and punched her in the nose. Not that punching Brenda in the nose is a fantasy of mine or anything.
Lucy is in the Kourt of Kevin, trying to justify her decision to take a break from school. Her opinion doesn't count for anything with him, though. I'll admit that her opinions are often quite stupid, but it still galls me that he treats her with so little respect. When he threatens to postpone the wedding, though, I laugh pretty hard at the stricken look on her face, so that probably makes me a hypocrite.
Behind the CamPound, Ben wants Ruthie to tell him why she's so hot to get him a girlfriend. She breaks down and says that Mary has been trying to get in touch with him all week. She's even left a ticket "at the airport" for him. Hee! Yes, well, that's specific. Ruthie's logic is that if Ben has a girlfriend, he won't be interested in Mary. And Mary, of course, is evil and will break Ben's heart. I know I've made fun of Mary a lot over the years, but even I am becoming appalled at how horribly Brenda treats her. Mary and Lucy used to be half-decent characters, back in the day, and the fact that Brenda had turned them both into such pathetic twits is pretty sad. You have to wonder how Jessica Biel would even consider coming back year. Especially when the show's writers regularly pull such glaringly stupid plots as this one out of their asses at a moment's notice and then pretend that's normal.
Hey, speaking of freaky and abnormal, the CamRents have had to concede that their Hamilton counseling hasn't exactly been a rousing success. So, in an effort to make the Hamiltons talk to each other, Eric and Annie are going to lock them up in The Treehouse of Terror for an hour. Right, great idea. Let's hope neither of their guests need to use a bathroom during that time. Maybe Annie left them a bucket in the corner. While the CamRents self-righteously congratulate themselves downstairs, the Hamiltons try to figure out what the hell is going on. My favorite part? I'm not sure. It could be when Morgan stares at the retreating CamRents and asks his wife, "What is wrong with them?" Or maybe it's when Patricia tells her husband, "Don't you dare leave me alone with Eric. If I have to hear any more about communicating and understanding and marriage, I'll scream." It's a difficult choice, really. When it comes to figuring out what to do for an hour, Morgan suggests some adult relations, but because he's not a dumb-ass Camden, he doesn't actually say anything as vile as "adult relations." He just starts making out with his wife, and we're left to infer the rest. At least when they kiss, I can actually believe that they want to get it on, which is generally not my reaction to the love scenes on this show.
Ben is sitting in the CamPound backyard. I think we're supposed to believe that he's lost in deep thought. Right. He asks the CamRents to tell Kevin that he's gone to Florida. Oh, gross! Brenda better not hook him up with Mary off-screen. Actually, this plot is so stupid, I'm just going to pretend it's not even happening. I just hope Ben can find his ticket. The airport is a pretty big place, and Mary could have left that ticket anywhere!
Simon and Asslee are having a really stupid heart-to-heart down on the Promenade. Asslee admits to being embarrassed about being kicked out of the movie. Okay, but shouldn't she be more embarrassed about all the dialogue she has to deliver on this crapfest of a show? With great sadness, Asslee informs Simon that she and he will have to spend less time together. You see, if they're together too much, their crazy hormones will explode and make them have sex. Hey, it makes just as much sense as anything else on this show.
Roxanne is delivering an impassioned speech to Detective Michaels about how much her father means to her and how disappointed she is that the department is forcing Daddy to quit -- despite the fact that she hasn't even talked to her father yet and that nobody has ever told her that's why her father is quitting. She just latched on to the first stupid idea she encountered and ran with it. Detective Michaels tries to stop her. Why? Because she's a great cop? I'm not buying that for a minute. Actually, I think he's merely trying to tell her that she couldn't be further off base about her ridiculous assumptions, but she's just too rude to let him finish. Her self-righteous resignation may be accompanied by music that tries to fool us into thinking this scene is good drama, but quite frankly, I've watched dishrags dry in a more exciting manner.
Detective Michaels pleads with RevBong to talk to PopRox and convince him to talk to Roxanne. Sounds convoluted? You bet! Frankly, y'all, I have no idea what's going on in this scene, and I suspect I'm not the only person who feels that way.
You know, this scene doesn't make much sense to me either, and I haven't even been drinking. Simon and Asslee are having another heart-to-heart about the sex problem. Simon has had what he thinks is a big revelation. He says that he and Asslee just have to acknowledge that it's going to be hard for them to be together without having adult relations. Or maybe he's saying that they just have to accept that they're never going to have sex. Whatever it is, it wins Asslee back. Her eyes are all watery as she tells Simon she missed him. He missed her too. Just how long was their quasi-breakup? About twenty minutes? Talk about codependent. Okay, then, kids -- best of luck with the no-sex thing. I'm sure you'll succeed.
Kevin is sitting on the CamPorch, waiting for Lucy to come to him and admit her fault and his superiority. Come to think of it, this is becoming just as predictable a part of the show as the Opening Credits Timewaster. Check out this incredibly precious quote from Lucy: "I want to become a minister and I also want to be your wife, and I think with a little planning and help, I'll be able to graduate with honors in both those programs." Fortunately, Ruthie interrupts this offensive scene before Lucy can come up with any more gems like that.
PopRox finds Roxanne drinking coffee down at Pete's Pizza. He says he's been looking for her "all over." I assume that means Flick's, the burger place, Eddie's Pool Hall and Discount Rehearsal Dinner Emporium, and then finally Pete's. That must have taken all of two minutes. He tries to get Roxanne to reconsider quitting the force by explaining that he's not being pushed out. No, indeed. It was his decision to quit. Now that he's killed the man who shot his wife, he doesn't feel that he needs to be a police officer anymore. Great. Nice way to dismiss all the people who do this dangerous job for real reasons. He also maintains that Roxanne is a very good cop, which I have a difficult time believing. His delivery reminds me a little of Rabbi Richard's -- at least in speed. His voice is oddly soothing, though, and this speech would be a good thing for me to listen to the time I have trouble falling asleep. All that's left to figure out is what PopRox will be doing with his time now that he's off the police force. Maybe he'll finally pursue his real dream of becoming a Vegas drag queen. As Roxanne leans in to hug her dad, it looks like she's got a coffee bean stuck between her teeth.
The CamRents sneak up the steps to the Treehouse of Terror and spy on the Hamiltons, who have apparently been making out, fully clothed, under a blanket for the past hour. Actually, it's much longer than an hour. Right. And people who are used to having sex on a regular basis would be content with just kissing for hours on end. Annie starts sobbing with happiness because she thinks she and Eric helped the Hamiltons keep their marriage together. She couldn't be further from the truth. They've been fine all along, and today's fight was just something minor that the CamRents blew all out of proportion. Patricia does thank them, though, for "one heck of an afternoon." Oh, right, the fully clothed kissing. Yeah. That must have been a total blast.
Ruthie and the T-1000 are bemoaning the fact that they weren't able to find Ben at the airport and stop him from going to see Mary. Just as they finish saying that, Ben pulls up in his car behind them. I was assuming it was just too hard to find that ticket that Mary left him "in the airport," but it turns out that Ben just changed his mind. He does a little gratuitous Mary-bashing, because that's what Brenda likes. When Ben calls Mary beautiful, I spit water all over my keyboard. I just wish the twins could be here to chime in with a few choruses of "she's byoooootiful!" Seriously, though, I wonder if Ms. Tenney is actively trying to be offensive with that.
Roxanne finds RevBong in the church office. She's there to apologize, and, to be fair, she does a pretty good job at it. I'm actually liking her a bit more by the end -- although I'm certainly not liking her enough to think she and RevBong can carry their own spin-off together.
Now we're in for a nice long post-sweeps hiatus. Enjoy, because the new episode will be Lucy's wedding. I'm guessing I'll need all the strength I can muster for that one.