“ Jesus, this show is so evilly insipid. It's so liked by Satan that he doesn't even bother with heavy metal anymore. ”
The piano and guitar gently play as we swoop into the CamPound. We see a lavish wedding train, and while the sight of it is pretty, Lucy starts in, and her voice is like an ice pick to the brain. "What do you mean my wedding is forcing Dad back into the church?" There are so many things wrong with that statement, it's hard to know where to start. Annie studies a few sheets of paper and explains that Lucy's wedding, "if everything goes as planned," could be a "double celebration; your marriage and Eric's triumphant return to the pulpit." Wow, way to use a wedding to press your agenda, SuperMom. I knew weddings could be political, but this is ridiculous. Eric listens at the door and rolls his eyes and slumps. Shut up, you spineless wimp. Lucy reminds her mother that her wedding day, like any other, is all about her. Oh, and Kevin. It's not supposed to be a ploy so that "Dad returns to his sanity." You mean, "his job"? Jesus, these people act like being a reverend was a higher calling. Oh, whoops, my bad. Well, you know, they act like his passive-aggressive stay-at-home-ness is a shame they all have to wear like a scarlet hair shirt. I mean, people change. Shrews get engaged to robots, and wimps recover from heart surgery and yet never venture out into the real world again. Things happen. Deal with it, SevHev. Lucy stresses the point that she doesn't want her wedding day to be about Eric's return to the fold. Annie totally ignores Lucy and says that her wedding day will be about Lucy, Kevin, and hopefully Eric's reentry into the church, "which is why [the wedding] has to be big!" Lucy wants small. Annie, big. Lucy was thinking small. Annie, big. Agreed? Agreed. God, I hate this show.
The CamPound's yard. A great-looking golden retriever with a Red Cross patch on his back walks into frame. Ben is holding the leash. Good for him, finding a hobby. The creepy neighbor boy, Jake, says he wants a dog, but his mom doesn't, therefore no dog for Jake. Whuh? Is this supposed to be cute? Brenda Hampton smokes PCP if she thinks this is sweet. Ruthie comes out with Happy on a leash, presumably for the other dog's benefit. Ruthie says something stupid like it's nice for Happy to get visitors since he usually doesn't, since he's a dog. What the? Happy woofs like, "Get me off this stupid show! Replace me with the golden! I want to do film work! Or maybe just teach!" Ben says he's going to take Carson, the golden, down to the Promenade. Jake says knowingly, "Trolling for chicks? Looking for women? Women love dogs." Jesus, this show is so evilly insipid. It's so liked by Satan that he doesn't even bother with heavy metal anymore. Ben says witheringly that he isn't looking for women. Who then, guys? Guys love dogs. Jake and Ruthie, the cockblock twins, say they're coming to the Promenade, too. Great. Just great.
Stand Up
“ It looks darker, and more plastered down. Like he combed it with his foot. Like he was hanging out with Beck, or maybe The Strokes. Was he replaced by another actor? I'm getting a real Darren Stevens vibe. Oh no, only one human could have those eyebrows. One human, and a lot of caterpillars. ”
Roxanne, out of uniform, and Chandler...Hampton are having coffee at a sidewalk caf where the tables are three deep. Maybe it's a parking lot caf. She tells him it's a trap. What's a trap? I haven't been watching since Cate came back on her regular tour of duty. Roxanne looks cute with her red lipstick. Is the lipstick supposed to signify that she's, you know, a brazen hussy or something? She asks Chandler if he ever wonders why they're still "single, unattached." Is it because everyone hates you? She says because her dad wants her to marry a cop, and chases all her boyfriends away. Chandler puts his hand on her shoulder and says that Roxanne isn't marrying a cop, she's marrying him, "someday." Oh, ew, these two hooked up? God, that's incomprehensible. This show is more incestuous than Beverly Hills, . And it's crazier than Melrose Place. It makes less sense than any of Lisa Marie Presley's marriages. But you can't hate Lisa Marie just because she marries the wrong men. That's not enough of a celebrity scandal. Anyway, Chandler says Roxanne's dad "can try, but he's not going to run [him] off." Roxanne says that's what her last boyfriend said. So this is the C-plot? Good god.
Mops. Mops at work. Mops, being pushed by Simon and Cecilia. Simon's hair looks different than when I last recapped the show. It looks darker, and more plastered down. Like he combed it with his foot. Like he was hanging out with Beck, or maybe The Strokes. Was he replaced by another actor? I'm getting a real Darren Stevens vibe. Oh no, only one human could have those eyebrows. One human, and a lot of caterpillars. Anyway, the two stupid lovebirds shuck and jive and mop and sort of sing along to "Walkin' The Dog." Someone shuts off the tape deck and says they're having too much fun. "This is supposed to be work!" Cecilia tells her quasi-uncle to not be too hard on Simon. Simon shakes Quasi-Uncle's hand twice, then get the privilege of calling the man "Walter." Walter exits. Simon says Walter seems nice. Cecilia says, "Everyone loves Uncle Walter." Red flag, everyone. They may as well show us on this rag doll where Uncle Walter touched us now.
Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!
Promenade. The golden gets a nice close-up. And another. Can we just make this show about dogs? I'd be fine with that. Ben kneels down to adjust the dog's flag straps, and a wholesome blonde woman spots him and heads over like a heat-seeking missile. "Awww! What a cute dog!" She wants to pet "her." Jake is all, he's a he, and he's a rescue dog. Ben grins like an idiot and introduces himself. The wholesome chick is Veronica. Can I just say that as a dog owner, this is never how the scenario works out? You always know people as "Boomer's dad" or that guy who owns the French bulldog. Dog parks in reality are not hot pickup scenes, though I do know someone who met her fianc at one. That's one person, y'all. Most of the time, I never recognize the people without their dogs. I'm a terrible slut. Terrible at being one, I mean. It's not that I don't try. Jake turns to Ruthie and is all, "Told you women love dogs." Ruthie says, "Women love Ben." Women do not, you little troll. The kids take cash for ice cream and the dog and split. Ben is all, so what do you do? Veronica is a massage therapist. Ben reacts to this exactly like an eighth grader or Lorenzo Lamas would.