The piano and guitar gently play as we swoop into the CamPound. We see a lavish wedding train, and while the sight of it is pretty, Lucy starts in, and her voice is like an ice pick to the brain. "What do you mean my wedding is forcing Dad back into the church?" There are so many things wrong with that statement, it's hard to know where to start. Annie studies a few sheets of paper and explains that Lucy's wedding, "if everything goes as planned," could be a "double celebration; your marriage and Eric's triumphant return to the pulpit." Wow, way to use a wedding to press your agenda, SuperMom. I knew weddings could be political, but this is ridiculous. Eric listens at the door and rolls his eyes and slumps. Shut up, you spineless wimp. Lucy reminds her mother that her wedding day, like any other, is all about her. Oh, and Kevin. It's not supposed to be a ploy so that "Dad returns to his sanity." You mean, "his job"? Jesus, these people act like being a reverend was a higher calling. Oh, whoops, my bad. Well, you know, they act like his passive-aggressive stay-at-home-ness is a shame they all have to wear like a scarlet hair shirt. I mean, people change. Shrews get engaged to robots, and wimps recover from heart surgery and yet never venture out into the real world again. Things happen. Deal with it, SevHev. Lucy stresses the point that she doesn't want her wedding day to be about Eric's return to the fold. Annie totally ignores Lucy and says that her wedding day will be about Lucy, Kevin, and hopefully Eric's reentry into the church, "which is why [the wedding] has to be big!" Lucy wants small. Annie, big. Lucy was thinking small. Annie, big. Agreed? Agreed. God, I hate this show.
The CamPound's yard. A great-looking golden retriever with a Red Cross patch on his back walks into frame. Ben is holding the leash. Good for him, finding a hobby. The creepy neighbor boy, Jake, says he wants a dog, but his mom doesn't, therefore no dog for Jake. Whuh? Is this supposed to be cute? Brenda Hampton smokes PCP if she thinks this is sweet. Ruthie comes out with Happy on a leash, presumably for the other dog's benefit. Ruthie says something stupid like it's nice for Happy to get visitors since he usually doesn't, since he's a dog. What the? Happy woofs like, "Get me off this stupid show! Replace me with the golden! I want to do film work! Or maybe just teach!" Ben says he's going to take Carson, the golden, down to the Promenade. Jake says knowingly, "Trolling for chicks? Looking for women? Women love dogs." Jesus, this show is so evilly insipid. It's so liked by Satan that he doesn't even bother with heavy metal anymore. Ben says witheringly that he isn't looking for women. Who then, guys? Guys love dogs. Jake and Ruthie, the cockblock twins, say they're coming to the Promenade, too. Great. Just great.
Roxanne, out of uniform, and Chandler...Hampton are having coffee at a sidewalk café where the tables are three deep. Maybe it's a parking lot café. She tells him it's a trap. What's a trap? I haven't been watching since Cate came back on her regular tour of duty. Roxanne looks cute with her red lipstick. Is the lipstick supposed to signify that she's, you know, a brazen hussy or something? She asks Chandler if he ever wonders why they're still "single, unattached." Is it because everyone hates you? She says because her dad wants her to marry a cop, and chases all her boyfriends away. Chandler puts his hand on her shoulder and says that Roxanne isn't marrying a cop, she's marrying him, "someday." Oh, ew, these two hooked up? God, that's incomprehensible. This show is more incestuous than Beverly Hills, . And it's crazier than Melrose Place. It makes less sense than any of Lisa Marie Presley's marriages. But you can't hate Lisa Marie just because she marries the wrong men. That's not enough of a celebrity scandal. Anyway, Chandler says Roxanne's dad "can try, but he's not going to run [him] off." Roxanne says that's what her last boyfriend said. So this is the C-plot? Good god.
Mops. Mops at work. Mops, being pushed by Simon and Cecilia. Simon's hair looks different than when I last recapped the show. It looks darker, and more plastered down. Like he combed it with his foot. Like he was hanging out with Beck, or maybe The Strokes. Was he replaced by another actor? I'm getting a real Darren Stevens vibe. Oh no, only one human could have those eyebrows. One human, and a lot of caterpillars. Anyway, the two stupid lovebirds shuck and jive and mop and sort of sing along to "Walkin' The Dog." Someone shuts off the tape deck and says they're having too much fun. "This is supposed to be work!" Cecilia tells her quasi-uncle to not be too hard on Simon. Simon shakes Quasi-Uncle's hand twice, then get the privilege of calling the man "Walter." Walter exits. Simon says Walter seems nice. Cecilia says, "Everyone loves Uncle Walter." Red flag, everyone. They may as well show us on this rag doll where Uncle Walter touched us now.
Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you goooooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!
Promenade. The golden gets a nice close-up. And another. Can we just make this show about dogs? I'd be fine with that. Ben kneels down to adjust the dog's flag straps, and a wholesome blonde woman spots him and heads over like a heat-seeking missile. "Awww! What a cute dog!" She wants to pet "her." Jake is all, he's a he, and he's a rescue dog. Ben grins like an idiot and introduces himself. The wholesome chick is Veronica. Can I just say that as a dog owner, this is never how the scenario works out? You always know people as "Boomer's dad" or that guy who owns the French bulldog. Dog parks in reality are not hot pickup scenes, though I do know someone who met her fiancé at one. That's one person, y'all. Most of the time, I never recognize the people without their dogs. I'm a terrible slut. Terrible at being one, I mean. It's not that I don't try. Jake turns to Ruthie and is all, "Told you women love dogs." Ruthie says, "Women love Ben." Women do not, you little troll. The kids take cash for ice cream and the dog and split. Ben is all, so what do you do? Veronica is a massage therapist. Ben reacts to this exactly like an eighth grader or Lorenzo Lamas would.
Roxanne yells at her dad, played by Matthew Perry's real-life dad. She pleads that he "not do this." She means "run off the guy [she] really love[s]." He says that if the guy really loves her, he won't be able to run him off. She notes that "that sounds like a challenge" and asks that he "please be nice." He barely pays attention to her, fastens his cuffs, and is out of there. Talk about supporting roles.
Kevin's room. It looks even more unfinished than before. There is a honking monstrosity of a black leather office chair in there now. And weights. Kevin "pumps" "iron" and says he was in fact that he was hiding from Lucy, if she wants to talk about the wedding. She yells at him (again, some more) that she needs him on her side because her mom is making her crazy. Care to be more specific, Lucy? Like maybe if you share the specific details about how Annie is making the wedding about Eric going back to work instead of just a family celebration, Kevin would give a shit. Unless Kevin loves drama, in which case he'd be thrilled. Kevin says that he doesn't care about the wedding except for the marrying Lucy part; "everything else is just something for [Lucy and her] mom to argue about." Thanks, dear. Love you too. Kevin says there's a simple solution. Lucy asks hopefully, "Elope?" Easier than that. "Stand up to your mother." Lucy says she's too "chicken" to do that. Funny, she looks like a chicken too. Kevin suggests she focus on something that makes her happy about the wedding, then. Which should be easy but for the fact that Lucy's a total bitch, and just getting Kevin to marry her was her whole life focus for, like, forever. Now that she's achieved that goal (if you can call it a goal), she has to find a new one. It's not that easy, Kevin. But he thinks of the fact that her father is marrying them. She says sure, that fact will outweigh the fact that she's wearing a dress she didn't pick out herself, and eating food she hates at the reception. Psych! She's going to bitch the whole damn time.
Simon and Cecilia prance their way into Uncle Walter's office. He asks if they checked everything, they are silent, and he hands them checks. Then, he molests them. Just kidding. Simon says he's happy to take on extra shifts since he's saving for a car and an eyebrow wax. Uncle Walter barks that when he's got the cash, see him, since he "has a friend in the business" who will "take care" of Simon. Is it at the J Sisters Salon, Uncle Walter? They can wax the hell out of your whoooole body, Simon. Uncle Walter hands the two stupid lovebirds two $20 bills so they can have a good time, "but not too good a time, hear!" Of course they heard, they're standing right there. When is Uncle Walter going to turn evil already? This is so boring.
Ew, Ben's having a face-gasm. He's being massaged by the chick he met five minutes ago. The Promenade should charge admission, since it's so easy to almost get laid there. Two ugly children walk up balefully, heads down and without a dog. Gee, I wonder what happened. Ben asks if they got their ice cream, and "What's wrong?" and finally, "Where's Carson?" Didn't you hear? He's way too old for TRL so they gave him a late-night show no one watches. It's working out pretty well for everyone. Anyway, the rescue dog got out of his leash and ran off. "Maybe he went to rescue someone?" Yeah, someone like his career.
In the pool hall, Chandler nervously drinks water. Roxanne's dad walks up, sees the Rev, and instantly disapproves. It's some fine facial acting. Better than "smelled a fart" -- more along the lines of Harrison Ford's moral outrage in Six Days, Seven Nights. Chandler leaps up and says yes...he is...Chandler. Roxy's Dad fully ignores the Rev's outstretched hand and goes for the obvious dig: "You're not a real doctor, are you?" No, he's not. He's a phdoctor. The lamest kind. to oral surgeons. Roxy's Dad says the Rev can call him detective, takes his gun out, and puts it on the table, and after making it clear that he doesn't want the Rev anywhere near his daughter, asks how he can make the Rev "go away." I find that turning off the WB on Mondays at eight works pretty well. But feel free to resort to violence. Roxy's Dad is hell-bent on getting rid of the Rev. But Chandler keeps saying stupid shit like he loves her and isn't going away. Roxy's Dad says with extreme gravitas, "Then we don't have anything more to talk about." What a dick!
CamPound. Lucy wants to talk to her dad. He asks about the wedding plans, and she says to ask Mom. Then she laughs a little and says that since she isn't getting anything she wants at her wedding, she's glad at least Eric will be marrying her. So thanks for that, Dad. Then Eric leans in, looks her dead in the eyes, and says he DOESN'T WANT TO MARRY HER AND KEVIN. Lucy is all, "You don't?" Eric just wants to give them away, "like a regular dad." And he adds that if he returns to the church for the wedding, then all the focus will be on him, not on his wizened-faced daughter. How is it that every member of this family thinks they're the center of the universe? Shouldn't at least one of them be filled with loathing for the rest's extreme self-centeredness? This family should start a competitive sport based on their selfishness. And they would all come in first place. Lucy takes the news that her dad is a colossal tool like a champ, and even offers the info that Annie is planning a wedding/Eric's return to the flock. Eric is all, "Someone will have to tell her." Yeah, where can we find someone with a spine? Don't look at me. Sars? You want to do it? ["No." -- Sars] Lucy actually volunteers to tell her mom that Eric is a passive-aggressive jitbag. Eric smiles and dances out of the room, leaving Lucy to roll her eyes so deeply that she bruises her brain. I can't blame her.
And finally, we see Uncle Walter taking money out of the lockbox and putting it right in his wallet. Of course, Simon walks in and sees the act, then stammers that he forgot his coat. Uncle Walter says he was just taking the money to the bank. Suuuure he was. What a boring evil uncle. Can't he drive drunk or OD or something? Simon stammers and looks like he's about to be caught up in a very dull dilemma.
Kevin walks in on Lucy struggling with the voluminous folds of her grandma's wedding dress. He immediately turns his head and barks out, "Sorry!" He's so afraid of his future wife. Can you blame him? Lucy just squinches up her wrinkly face and asks why he's freaking out. Because you've henpecked him into a state of terror, woman. But he says it's because he heard it's bad luck for a groom to see the bride in her dress before the wedding. But it's her mom's dress, and she hates it, and she wants a dress of her own. The dress does need to be altered (it's too big), but it isn't hideous. Maybe ugly is what Lucy wants. And whatever Lucy wants, like this wedding, Lucy gets. And little man, little Lucy wants you. Kevin asks if Annie isn't hurting Lucy's feelings by pressing her own agenda. Lucy says it doesn't count, because she "doesn't know" she's hurting Lucy's feelings. Yes, being oblivious counts for something in this fucked-up family. Not. Kevin says Lucy should tell her parents how she feels if she wants to get what she wants. I think this is the only time Lucy has ever bottled up her feelings. I say let her sit on them until she bursts.
Chandler got pulled over, and is getting a ticket from a man in blue. He's writing Chandler up for speeding, driving -- no, parking -- in a bike lane, perhaps following a car a little too closely, and most importantly, for dating Roxanne. Will Chandler stop seeing Roxanne? No. Chandler loves Roxanne. He gets out of his car (presumably because he's an idiot), and the cop threatens to arrest him. For what? He "hasn't decided yet." Chandler won't be intimidated. Dude? She's not worth it.
Promenade, again, some more. It looks like Ruthie and Jake have persuaded Ben to get a new golden from the pound and slap a red cross on its back in order to fool his boss down at the fire station house. What a cruel joke. Let's see this play out with the new fake rescue dog licking a burn victim in the face instead of helping him to safety. Mmm, burn victims. They taste just like Munchos.
Simon sits down with Cecilia's dad and is about to tell him about Uncle Walter possibly stealing money from the lockbox -- but then Uncle Walter walks in. Dum dum duuumm! It's so anticlimactic. Simon, of course, totally wimps out and says he just wanted to say how much he loves the job and thanks for the second chance. Uncle Walter says heavily, "Everyone deserves a second chance." GET IT?! Simon practically runs out of the room but is stopped by Uncle Walter, who hands him a check. Simon says nastily that he already got his check, but Uncle Walter says that this is for all those overtime shifts he worked. Simon looks dubious, but takes it anyway. When he's gone, Uncle Walter comments on what a "good kid" Simon is. And what "giant eyebrows" he has.
CamPound. Simon sits at his desk and calls Uncle Walter. His "overtime check" was nothing but a cash bribe. Walter calls it a "one-time cash incentive" to keep Simon's mouth shut. And besides, what proof does Simon have? Simon is all, "You know what you're doing and you know that it's wrong!" He threatens to tell Cecilia's dad if Walter doesn't come clean. Walter says he will, hangs up, and wipes his mouth. That bad taste won't come out for a while, Walter. Ask Phyllis Diller -- she drank nothing but martinis for weeks at a time and still had that bad taste in her mouth after she was on the show.
The police station. Roxanne creams her jeans because her freaky dad never actually had any of her boyfriends arrested before. So he must know she really looooves him. Chandler asks for a ride to the impound lot since her dad had his car towed, and she says stupidly, "I love you."
CamPound. Lucy confronts SuperMom in the kitchen, where she is thanklessly preparing a meal. Lucy tells her that there is nothing she doesn't hate about her wedding plans, and that Eric won't officiate over the ceremony. Annie is appropriately ruffled and huffy. Lucy says she wants roses, not orchids, and her own dress, and mainly that she wants what she wants because her wedding day is about her, the bride, and Lucy is the bride, not Annie. Annie almost looks like she wants to break free of her domestic chains, but mainly she just pouts selfishly.
Ben sits outside a fancy latticed fence with his bogus dog. His boss the fire chief comes out and asks that Ben show him some of the training Ben and Carson have run through in the past month. "Puppy stuff! Like heel, stay..." The new fake dog lies down at "heel" and runs away at "stay." It would be almost comic if it weren't so stupid and obvious. The fire chief is all, "Want me to try? Carson, heel!" And the real Carson runs out and says, "Hey, today's videos on TRL are Justin Timberlake and 50 Cent! Plus, Joe Millionaire is here for us to point and laugh at!" I mean, the golden retriever Carson runs out. The fire chief was just messing with Ben. Ho ho ho.
The CamPound's doorbell goes ding-dong. Simon answers it, and it's Cecilia's dad. Simon hands him the envelope of cash and asks what he's going to do. Cecilia's dad says heavily that he may press charges, but he wants to consider Cecilia's feelings. And he's sure that the police will take into consideration that it's Simon's first offense, and that he returned the money he stole. Simon is aghast, flustered, and dumb enough to have not seen this coming. His voice rises three octaves as he stammers that Walter stole the money, not him, and he even tried to bribe him! Cecilia's dad is not. Having it. Walter is Cecilia's godfather! He's known him for twenty years! There's no way he could duh!
Simon's on the phone explaining to Cecilia that he didn't steal the money, Walter did. She tells him he's not a thief, and he says, "Bye." Wow, what an abrupt end to a conversation. Cecilia's dad walks in and says, "No. More Simon. First the condoms and the sex, then the stealing, what's , knocking over liquor stores?" Wow, that almost scans. It has a nice flow. Eminem could have written that line. But he has better things to do, like train protégés and keep his ex-wife in a wing of one of his mansions. Cecilia says she believes Simon, and that if Walter is stealing, her dad "needs to know. Just check it out." Yeah, it's called security cameras, look into it.
Lucy's flipping though a wedding magazine. Kevin walks in, and she yells that her "mom quit." Now she can't plan a wedding in six weeks, unless they want to "wear sweats and eat fast food." Or elope to Vegas. Or go to City Hall and have a reception at the pool hall. Or get Happy a minister certificate on the internet and have him preside over the ceremony at Club Minor. God, these people are so unimaginative. Anyway, it's "all [Kevin's] fault" since he told her to tell Annie how she really feels. He laughs and says he didn't tell her to "alienate" her, and that Lucy shouldn't "explode [her] feelings all over [Annie]." Lucy is all, "Why do I have to fix everything?" Kevin says because she messed it up, and because he's "not one of those modern grooms who wants to be involved with every detail" like looking at "fabric swatches" and "approv[ing] menus or bands." He "just want[s] to show up." How modern. Hey, is Kevin allergic to any foods or genres of music?
Ben and Ruthie are walking the fake Carson down the Promenade. Does this seem like a good idea to you? Ben tells her he got written up. They see Jake and his hot mom. Ben pops a tiny boner. All in all, Jake gets to keep the dog if Ben helps train him. And hey, maybe Ruthie can help lose the dog!
CamPound. Annie is angrily putting away clean clothes. I didn't think it was possible to put away clothes so angrily, but there it is. Lucy comes in and grovels for a bit, actually admitting that the wedding won't be all about her, but about a family coming together to celebrate a new family being formed. Annie is all, "Having trouble planning a wedding in six weeks?" Yes, you mean cow. Lucy says she needs her mom's help, and that she needs her mom. Will she help? Annie looks mean and mad, then says yes. Lucy looks relieved, then asks if she has to wear grandma's dress. Annie says yes, then no. They hug and say they love each other, but Annie has that sad face on and looks like she doesn't mean it.
Roxanne confronts her father. With Chandler in tow. Roxy's Dad says, "Got sprung from the joint, did you?" Chandler says, "Not without making some interesting friends." Roxy's Dad barks out a laugh. Chandler says, "Message received." And he has a reply: He loves Roxanne, and will be "okay" with it if her dad isn't in their lives. And he threatens to call a "friend at the New York Times to tell him about the police officers in Glenoak." And whatever he "digs up or makes up" will be fine with Chandler. Roxy's Dad likes this side of Chandler. He says, "You have…" and Chandler says, "…of steel." I would say something more like, "Chandler, I can see your nuts." But I guess the implication of balls is good enough for this show.
Eric's sitting and moping on the porch. Lucy comes out and tells her dad he's "not regular." Well, she's got that right. "You're a minister." Oh, she meant that. Lucy tells her dad of her dream of marrying Brad Pitt and having her dad officiating over the ceremony. "It's time to go back to the church. Please don't let me down!" Annie comes out to eavesdrop or alert her brood that more vittles are on the table, and hears her stupid husband say, "Look out, Chandler, daddy's coming home!" The clarinet goes into overdrive as Lucy bursts into tears and Annie makes her patented sad pumpkin face and looks up at the ceiling, or "heavens," or whatever the fuck. Lucy sobs and runs inside past her mom (way to celebrate with family, right), and Eric tells Annie that he's "back." She says tearfully, "Welcome back, Reverend Eric Camden!" Oh, boo hoo!
Dénouement at Cecilia's house. Uncle Walter comes in and is all, "What's Simon Camden doing here? I thought you fired him." Sure, he did get fired. But could you explain the books, Uncle Walter? They look a little cooked. And not in a delicious way. Cecilia's dad is all, "Walter. How could you." He says he didn't know he was being stolen from because he "trusted" Walter. And how did he "repay that trust? By stealing." Wow, talk about a serpent eating his tail, right? I'd say Walter stole because his employer was an easy mark and not paying attention; the trust is just an added benefit that helped nail Simon in the ass. Walter is handed to the crooked Glenoak cops, and then Simon is given a nice apology. And thank Cecilia; her dad never saw her fight so hard for anyone before. Not even at the Justin Timberlake in-store appearance in Hollywood? I saw her break Courtney Love's implant and feed it to a dog.