It appears that Ruthie and Lucy are still sharing a bedroom. Since Robbie made his escape, the Hello Kitty bedroom should be free. If I were Ruthie, I'd move the hell downstairs, pronto. But I suppose that this way, the writers think they have a reason to put her in the same room with a melodramatically sighing Lucy. Negating any common sense she may have shown in past episodes, Ruthie asks Lucy what's wrong. In answer, Lucy holds up her day-minder. It's a really gross, girly-looking affair, with red hearts drawn all down the left and an abundant use of colored pens. It's really hard for me to read Lucy's writing, but under "Monday," it seems to say "Eyebrows." I assume this means she's going out to search for a pair to wear until her own grow back. Unfortunately, nowhere do I see any mention of growing a spine and kicking her loser cyborg boyfriend to the curb. In fact, the reason she's depressed is because it's almost Valentine's Day -- or VD, as I like to call it -- and Kevin still hasn't proposed. Of course, he's already indicated that he plans to marry her, so I really don't understand the purpose of the whole stupid proposal business anyway. A friend of mine told me about an otherwise lovely couple he knows who had the hall for their wedding reception booked and had already told everyone they knew to set aside the date. They, however, didn't consider themselves engaged until she had a ring on her finger. Apparently, that made it a little hard for people to feign excitement when the "engagement" was finally "announced." But I guess I'm just not romantic. And trust me -- I'm not losing any sleep over that.
So, where we were? Oh, right -- Ruthie's trying to reassure Lucy that the T-1000 will propose. I wonder if Kevin slipped Ruthie some cash to make Lucy feel like shit, because the little brat is telling her that Kevin seems really "stressed out," and that it must be Lucy's fault. Hey, Lucy's been making a lot of progress in accepting the blame for all of Kevin's flaws and frustrations, but I'm sure he wants her completely subjugated before the actual marriage. Ruthie "jokes" about how she will miss Kevin when Lucy drives the evil robot away. She's certainly in the right demographic to like Kevin. I don't think if I've ever seen any real person over the age of twelve express approval of him.
Out in the garage, Annie is looking for Kevin. Instead of the cyborg, she sees Simon coming down the stairs from the unfinished Treehouse. If he had to buckle his belt or anything, he sure did it quickly. And off-camera, too. He tells his mom that Kevin was "helping [him] with a paper" and that he (Kevin) just left. Annie wonders why she smells smoke and air freshener. She accuses Simon of smoking. He says he doesn't smoke because he's not "stupid." While the jury's still out on that one, the truth probably is that he doesn't smoke because he learned how bad it is from one of the fifty-gazillion other times this show has dealt with smoking. Or just by being alive in the twenty-first century.
Down on the Promenade, some guy pulls up on a motorcycle that my husband tells me is very expensive. As the guy takes off his helmet and sticks a cigarette in his mouth, we see that RevCam is watching him also. In fact, he's positively checking him out, especially when the guy takes off his jacket to reveal that the only thing he's wearing under it is a wife-beater and a particularly dorky tattoo. When RevCam drops one of the boxes he's carrying, I can't help but wonder if this is that age-old ploy where a woman drops a handkerchief in the hope that a nearby man will pick it up for her, allowing her the opportunity to meet him. Has any real woman actually done that, ever, in the history of time? It's always been such a total cliché that it wouldn't surprise me at all if Brenda were to resort to employing it here. Look, I won't insult your intelligence by pretending there's any inherent drama in this scene. The fact of the matter is that this is Jeremy London's twin brother, Jason, and he's playing Miss Chanandler Bong's twin brother Sid in this episode. And to tell you the truth, I wouldn't have recognized him if I hadn't known he'd be appearing here. It's not just the clothes and the bike; it's just that gazing at Jeremy London's Furrowed Brow Of Bad Acting pains me so much that I try not to look at him at all if I can help it. Therefore, the odds of me recognizing his twin brother are pretty small. I think from the expression on Eric's face that we're supposed to realize that he thinks this guy is Chandler, but to me, it just looks like he thinks he's finally found the man to replace beloved bad boy Robbie in his heart.
This week's Opening Credits Timewaster consists of the odious twins making sandwiches with Kevin. Quite frankly, I'm a little surprised that Annie would leave her young children alone with the cyborg. I mean, hasn't she ever seen Westworld? The T-1000 keeps smiling winsomely at the twins, but he sobers up quick when Lucy walks in. Ooh, it's the woman he "loves"! Thing One says, "I like Kevin." I guess that old adage about children and animals being good judges of character really is bullshit. When Lucy says, "I like Kevin too," Thing One replies, "Then marry him!" Thing Two chimes in with the same stupid sentiment. Good God. So, that's what kind of episode this is going to be. Once I'm through wrestling my gag reflex under control so I can play the tape again, I see Lucy harassing Kevin some more about his damn marriage proposal. Putrid excuses for characters. I wish they'd both die. After she storms off, Kevin calls her "crazy." But he obviously means she's crazy in that charming, endearing, hormonal way us women have. And, of course, he still loves her. A pointless shot of the twins overdramatically eating their sandwiches rounds off one of the worst scenes ever witnessed by mankind.
Back on the Promenade, Sid is seated at a café, reading a newspaper and drinking a beer while smoking a cigarette. Oh, my goodness. I'll bet he's looking at the X-rated classifieds too! RevCam comes over and gives him the third degree. Sid is polite to him, which is more than I could manage if confronted by some meddlesome stranger. RevCam starts lecturing him about the image he should be portraying. Just as he's really warming to the subject, Chandler walks over. This gives Sid the chance to refer to Eric as he asks his brother, "You know this weirdo?" Hey, a halfway decent intentional joke! Enjoy it while it lasts, because I have a feeling there won't be that many more jokes -- intentional ones, anyway. RevBong explains that RevCam is his boss. Turning to Chandler, Sid says, "So, this is the guy that hates your guts." Well, one of the guys, anyway. And let's not forget the women. Eric gets right down to the prying, as he tries to find out why Sid is in town. RevBong looks enormously peeved when he cuts the conversation short and says goodbye to Eric. Don't you wish everyone would put RevCam in his place like that?
Annie comes into Simon's room, pretending that she wants to have a lighthearted chat to catch up on all his news. He sees right through that and tries to reassure her that he's not smoking. She says she doesn't believe him. Boy, if it should turn out that he is telling the truth, I'm sure her accusations that he's lying will only strengthen their mother-son bond.
Ruthie is walking out of Flick's with her little apple-stealing friend Peter. They're discussing the fine film they've just viewed, which seems to be about an animated "gassy cockroach who smokes and drinks." What the hell kind of fucked-up movie is that? Especially if it's rated tame enough for Ruthie to see it. Like that sort of animated film would ever get made in today's social climate. Well, maybe I'm giving the general public too much credit for common sense. After all, this crappy show masquerades as a "family values" vehicle and rarely gets called on that claim by critics. I guess I've never realized that Ruthie is quite so priggish, but right now she's up on her soapbox, sanctimoniously lecturing Peter about the movie: "Lots of kids watch that stuff, and they think that whatever the cockroach does is okay. Not every kid is as smart as you and me." When Peter stands there looking…well, quite stupid, frankly, Ruthie adds, "You do think that smoking and drinking is stupid, right?" Oh, come on! Is this for real? Does Brenda actually think children talk like this? After ensuring that her companion's thoughts do not differ in any way from hers, Ruthie smiles smugly and rewards him with the offer of a burger. It's strange how much she reminds me of the T-1000 here.
Speaking of the loathsome cyborg, he's up in his hideous garage apartment, which is looking just as uninhabitable as ever. I don't even think it has any running water either. I guess that wouldn't matter to a robot, though. In walks brother Ben. If you were thinking he'd receive real a "family values" kind of welcome, with Kevin warmly hugging him and offering some kind words, you're way off base. Stuff like that only happens in the households of family-values-less jerks like you or me. In Brenda's world, Kevin starts right in on the prying, and it's done in a pretty nasty tone. We find out that Ben has a new girlfriend. Yawn. Mary is insulted a bit. That would have made me smile a lot more before I realized just how much Brenda actually hates women. Kevin seems to think all of Ben's girlfriends suck -- and not in the good way. Or maybe they do, and that's why they should be considered evil. Ben defends his current one, Betty. He thinks she's perfect because she's "beautiful." Right on, dumb-ass. Way to judge people.
Eric is talking to that Lou guy down at the church. Actually, he's gossiping about Chandler and trying to find out why Sid is in town. Before he can get too far into it, though, RevBong walks in and interrupts. It must be totally fun to bust people when you catch them talking about you like that. Chandler says he knew RevCam would not be able to keep from snooping into his business. He snidely offers to fill him in on all the Bong family news. Sid is in town because he's trying to effect a reconciliation between Chandler and his father, who is dying of smoking-related lung cancer. Furthermore, Sid is a recovering alcoholic and drug user. Hey, don't forget the smoking -- the evil, evil smoking. Eric says that Chandler can talk to him about his family any time. He wants to help, he says. I really can't blame RevBong for looking less than thrilled at the prospect, as he incredulously asks, "Help me? You don't even like me." Hey, don't be too hard on the Revster. After all, he's not the only one who doesn't like you!
Back home, Eric asks Annie if she thinks he hates Chandler. Annie refuses to answer, but the twins are certainly chatty today. "Jsdbf viem dgkg," says Thing One. Thing Two adds, "Rckgmfd ydf hgdvhf." Thanks, twins. Your input is always so useful.
Down at what looks like Pete's Pizza, Lucy is reading a book. She's got the cover turned back, since I guess the prop guys didn't get a chance to make up a hilarious dummy cover for Brenda's Autobiography. In walks Sid. He joins Lucy at her table and starts chatting her up. She flirtatiously warns him that she's "engaged." Sid tells her, "That is the smallest engagement ring I have ever seen." That's a pretty rude thing to say, actually, especially since I know a number of women, including myself, who don't even have engagement rings. We find out that Lucy has mistaken Sid for Chandler. Ah, yes -- the mistaken identity thing again. That never gets old. It turns out Sid already knows a lot about the Camdens. Obviously, he's learned it from Chandler. What's not so obvious is why he didn't get up and scram once he found out that she's Lucy. Surely RevBong's told him what a nimrod she is. Intrepid Sid even goes so far as to ask Lucy out for dinner. She declines, even though this guy is way hotter than Kevin. Uh-oh -- I'm starting to sound as shallow as a character on this show! That won't do.
On some other part of the Promenade, Peter Peter Apple Stealer confesses to Ruthie that he doesn't think smoking is stupid. When she asks why, he admits, "Because I smoke." Now, that's just ridiculous. I love to smoke. In fact, I was a daily smoker for about fifteen years and I still have the occasional cigarette at parties. Have I ever thought it was a smart thing to do? Of course not. I even used to lecture my dad for smoking when I was really young. Trust me, Brenda -- I don't think there's a person over the age of six in the U.S. who doesn't know that smoking is not good for you. Which kind of negates this entire episode, doesn't it? Oh, well! Just as Ruthie's telling Peter, "You're twelve years old and you smoke. That's a very big deal," Peter's mother walks up. There's no way she could have missed the first part of that comment unless she's stone deaf, but she only asks, "What's a big deal?" Peter makes up some lame excuse while Ruthie glares at him.
At the CamPound, Annie's in Simon's room putting away laundry. I can tell it's his room because of the posters of buff bodybuilders. Oops -- I must be thinking of the room I gave him in my CamSims house last summer. Annie opens a drawer and sees a pack of cigarettes. It's definitely not "Brenda's Cigarettes"; it looks like it might be "Canstop." The name is kind of hard to read. Oddly enough, though, there's this white swoosh thing that looks suspiciously like the Nike logo. Note to Nike lawyers: You really should consider suing the pants off these people.
In the Treehouse, Lucy is apologizing to the T-1000 yet again for being so crazy. I really don't know how much more of their revolting relationship I can take. When Kevin wants to know what's brought about this transformation, Lucy tells him about being asked out by Sid. Kevin laughs in her face, which is a pretty nasty thing to do. Of course, that's going to cause Lucy to freak out -- although, in this case, I can't blame her. Also, she's bang-on when she calls his smile "goofy." Kevin explains that he trusts Lucy, but that doesn't assuage her anger any. She's so pissed off that she tells the T-1000 she's going to accept Sid's dinner invitation. He just smiles at her like a smug bastard -- a smug bastard who's just asking for a kick in the nads.
Peter is saying goodbye to Ruthie at the door of the CamPound. He wants to know if she is still mad at him. Because Ruthie is a totally judgmental bitch, of course she's angry. She gives a seriously annoying speech about how she can't hang with anyone who smokes and how she doesn't "like smokers." She snottily tells Peter she can no longer be his friend. I'm guessing his horoscope today read, "This will be the most awesome day of your life!" He does manage to extract a promise from Ruthie that she won't tell his mother about his smoking.
At Eddie's Pool Hall and Discount Rehearsal Dinner Emporium, Chandler's trying to enjoy his date with Farrah Fawcett. Or is it Roxanne with a new hairdon't? It doesn't matter, because RevCam's spoiling it anyway. He's trying, of course, to force Chanandler to talk about his relationship with his father. I can't blame RevBong for looking intensely annoyed. Eric tries to explain that he really doesn't hate Chandler, but RevBong's not having any of that. He says, "Look, if my brother, whom I love, can't get me to make peace with my dying dad, then what chance do you have?" It's a little cold, but I can relate, since I also resent it when people don't know when to leave well enough alone while prying into my business. After telling off Eric (and letting Roxanne get some lip in as well), Chandler gets up to leave. It looks like he and Roxanne have been drinking glasses of tap water. Cheap date, I guess.
Later, Roxanne is trying to counsel Chandler herself over the phone. Apparently, she's doing a better job than Eric, because at least Chandler wants to talk to her. Unfortunately, everything he has to say is pretty boring, and there's really nothing new. Okay, he doesn't get along with his dad or Eric. Yeah, we get it! But it's not like understanding the situation equates with caring about it.
Boy, Annie sure is spending a lot of time with the odious twins this week. It's art time, and the twins are drawing with pencils. Thing One holds up a pencil and pretends to be smoking. He tells Thing Two, "No, do it like this." I have to inform you, stupid twin, that your smoking technique totally blows. It needs a lot of work. Annie walks in and sees the twins pretending to smoke. Understandably, she's horrified. Me, not so much. If these were real people, I might be, but for some reason the sight of the twins pretending to smoke sends me off into gales of laughter. Annie stares at the brats intently. I hope she's going to correct their technique.
Sid comes by the CamPound to pick up Lucy. He runs into RevCam in the backyard and stops to chat. Eric wants to make sure Sid knows that Lucy is almost engaged. Sid says he does, but that he'd rather go out with her than sit around Chandler's house and watch his brother "implode." Are you sure, Sid? Because if I knew RevBong were going to implode, I'd probably make time in my schedule to watch. And I think it goes without saying that watching that would be way more fun than trying to have a conversation with Lucy. ["That…watching grass grow…surgery…a tax audit…" -- Sars] Sid admits that he's not only here to pick up Lucy; he also wants to encourage Eric to keep trying to help Chandler. He talks about the Bong family history for a bit, explaining that their father has always been a very demanding man, and that he and Chandler both rebelled against him -- Chandler by becoming a minister, and Sid by "drowning [himself] in alcohol and drugs." No offence, but Sid's way sounds like a lot more fun. Sid goes on to paint Chandler as a veritable saint for putting himself through the super-famous Kolbel Seminary after their father cut him off financially. Frankly, I'm not sure how hard it could have been for RevBong, money-wise, since I do remember him driving a pretty swanky car last week.
As Sid keeps talking, I'm liking him more and more. Unlike so many of the losers who show up on this program, he actually takes responsibility for his own actions and is not blaming his father for his drug use. Damn! He's sounding better and better. Lucy would have to be a total moron not to toss aside Kevin and snap this guy up. He even cares deeply about his brother, who isn't exactly the most likeable character on the planet. As he winds down his impassioned plea to RevCam to help Chandler, he lights up a cigarette. ["Hey, he earned it -- he'd been talking FOR AT LEAST THREE DAYS. I mean, I liked Sid, but…dude. Just hit the high points." -- Sars] RevCam suggests that Sid quit smoking right now. Sid thinks about it for a second and then tosses his cigarette down on the ground. When RevCam leaves to get Lucy, Sid immediately fires up another butt. Ha! Did I mention that I'm in love with Sid?
It's time to meet Betty, Ben's new girlfriend. She tells Kevin that she and Ben met at the airport a few weeks ago. Seriously, how many characters on this show have hooked up at airports or on planes? Wilson, Lucy, Mary, and now Ben? Okay, you tell me that's not some sort of in-joke or shout-out to us. Otherwise, the writers would have to be pathetically uncreative. Kevin behaves himself until Betty lights a smoke. Then he starts glaring. Maybe cigarette smoke is bad for his circuitry. I know it's rude to blow smoke in someone's face, but I still laugh when Betty does it to the T-1000.
Did you really think Ruthie would keep her promise and not rat out Peter to his mother? Actually, I did, but I was wrong. She's on the phone to Mrs. Petrowski now, filling her in on all the details of Peter's nasty little habit. Mrs. Petrowski looks a bit like an older Ali Larter. Which reminds me -- you know what I would love to see? A 7th Heaven-Final Destination crossover. Mrs. Petrowski hangs up the phone without even saying goodbye, because apparently everyone in Glenoak is a rude fuck.
Roxanne stops by RevBong's place to find him sitting on the front steps of his house. He says he is not "fine," as he'd claimed to be earlier. He starts telling her about seeing a man, some stranger, yelling at his son, and how that made him realize that his father won't be around much longer to be abusive toward him. I'm sorry that sounds facetious. You know, as far as this show goes, this was actually one of the better scenes I've witnessed. They're just so few and far between that when they happen, I can't even bring myself to appreciate them. I'm sorry. I'll really try to be more sensitive. Or not.
Back at the Promenade, Ben, Betty, and the T-1000 are sitting at some patio café, where Betty is smoking. A man at the table politely asks her to put out her cigarette because he's allergic, but Betty refuses. Then she loudly says, "Non-smokers -- they always think that they own the air. It's so weird." She turns back to the man who'd asked her to butt out and says, "Also, just so you know, thanks to you non-smoking nuts in California, the new smoking section is the outdoors. So get used to it." When the man and his date get up and leave, Betty says, "Bye!" The fact that she does that means that now I can't decide if she's one of the ruder characters on the show or one of the most polite. In any case, I'm falling in love with her too. I don't think I've ever been in love with a walking caricature before. It's kind of a weird feeling. Not even when she rudely says, "It's my God-given right to smoke wherever I want to," does my love wane. And when Kevin monotones a lecture on secondhand smoke, Betty just disdainfully replies, "Huh," and then gets up to check her messages. Right now I'm running a fever of 99.6 and my throat is positively burning from some nasty viral thing, but I just started really craving a cigarette. Hmm -- I wonder if this is the effect the episode is supposed to have.
While Betty is gone, the T-1000 trashes her to Ben. Hey, leave my girlfriend alone, you fuckwitted rust-bucket! Betty comes back and tells Ben that her answering machine was not picking up. She's worried that it's because a prowler broke into the house. I really don't see the connection, but it's by no means the most contrived thing I've ever heard on this show. Betty and Ben agree to leave to check on the answering machine. Oh, wait -- maybe this is just some bizarre excuse so that Betty can drag Ben away from the T-1000. If so, Ben didn't clue in, because he's trying to get Kevin to come with them. I can't tell if Betty is kicking him under the table. He tells her, "I'm sure there was a logical reason why your machine didn't pick up." There probably was, and I'm doubting it was a prowler. I suspect the average prowler has better things to do with his or her time than listen to some stranger's phone messages.
Oh, no -- Betty's house has burned down. Well, except for the door. It's positively a marvel of physics how it's standing there, totally unsupported. A firefighter comes over and tells Ben, Betty, and Kevin that the fire started with a lit cigarette. How does he know these people have any connection to the house? They could have just wandered by. I'm also a little curious as to how the firefighters could have determined the cause of the blaze this quickly -- especially since the whole house is burnt to shit. That's a little fast for an entire house to burn down too, isn't it? Although I must point out that the whole lot doesn't seem to be much bigger than my living room. Betty just blithely says, "Hmm, I guess I didn't put out that cigarette before we left." Hee! She adds, so quietly that only I can hear her, "Damn. That's the last time I buy flammable ashtrays from the dollar store." But it might not have even been her cigarette. Maybe a prowler really did stop by and, after listening to Betty's messages, left a burning cigarette lying around.
When Ben complains about all his clothes being burned, Betty tells him to quit "whining." She adds, "I'm just glad nobody got hurt." See -- I don't hear the model citizens Ben or Kevin expressing any concern for possible victims. When Kevin points out that her house is gone, she replies, "Oh, it's not my house. I was house-sitting, so…" She shrugs and laughs. You know, I couldn't find a single fan site devoted to Alison Ward, the woman who plays Betty. That is just criminal. The T-1000 tells Betty that Ben can no longer date her. Unfortunately, Ben agrees. Betty leaves, but not before spitting out, "Wimp," at Ben and blowing some more smoke in Kevin's face. Hey, Betty? Call me! This breakup means Ben has to find a new place to stay. He suggests the firehouse, but Kevin insists that he stay with him in the Treehouse of Terror. I guess Geoff Stults has some time left on his contract, and this was the best they could do to justify having him stay on CamPound property for the few eps.
Back at the CamPound, Annie is lying in wait for Simon so that she can accuse him again of smoking. The twins correct her, though, saying that they didn't see Simon smoking. At least, that's what the closed captioning tells us. I'm not sure I would have figured it out otherwise.
Ah, it's time for Sid and Lucy's date. They're at Eddie's Pool Hall and Discount Rehearsal Dinner Emporium, and things are not going well. Instead of talking to him, Lucy's just staring at the door, hoping her stupid, abusive cyborg boyfriend will get jealous and come looking for her. Sid proves what a nice guy he is by acting gracious toward her anyway. He suggests that they continue their date and have "a platonic good time." Lucy agrees only when he points out that the later she gets home, the "crazier" it will make the T-1000. You mean it's physically possible for Kevin to be crazier? Lucy asks Sid to tell her about himself. It looks like they're already done with their dinner, and she's just now getting around to asking him that? Sid is one long-suffering guy, especially when he tells Lucy about his former substance abuse and she looks like she's just caught a whiff of something extremely unpleasant. Great minister she'll make. When Sid is done telling her that he helps other addicts at his rehab center, he asks what she does, and the dumb-ass replies, "Well, um, I go to school, and I go to the mall sometimes." Hey, what about the stalking, huh? Sid even remains courteous when Lucy tells him, "We have nothing in common." Not even once does he call her a vacuous, boring loser. He's a better person than I.
Peter, Peter, Apple Stealer is waiting for Ruthie in the CamPound living room. She greets him rudely and belligerently, which does nothing to endear her to me. Peter disappoints me by thanking her for ratting him out. Ugh. I really don't have a problem with Ruthie ratting him out, but I think the odds of him thanking her for it are mighty slim. He says, "Those guys who I smoke with are no good, and I shouldn't be hanging out with them." Oh, please, Peter! Leave while you still have a shred of dignity. Oops-- too late. Peter says, "[Smoking] just makes me stupid, and I don't want to be stupid because I have a feeling that you don't like stupid guys." Oh, that is just sooo pathetic. First of all, smoking may do a lot of harmful things to your body, but becoming stupider is not one of them. In fact, I know there have been studies done to prove that nicotine helps your memory. So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Brenda. Secondly, Ruthie so obviously does like stupid guys. Earlier, didn't she say she would miss Kevin if he left? And third -- oh, never mind. If I think about this stupid scene anymore, my head will explode. And I'll weaken and go out for cigarettes, fever or no.
When Kevin enters the CamPound, Annie is lying in wait for him in the kitchen. Simon and the odious twins are there too. It turns out that Kevin is the one who has been smoking. Why did he leave his cigarettes in Simon's room? Because he was holding them and heard someone coming, so he had to hide them. This really doesn't explain very much at all -- like why he was in Simon's room, why he'd be holding his pack of cigarettes in his hand, why his clothing has no pockets, or why, as a cyborg, he couldn't have just swallowed the pack of cigarettes. It's not like he's got a digestive system to worry about. And why was Kevin smoking in the first place? He says something about being "stressed out," but adds that he knows that's not an excuse. He's also appalled that the odious twins have seen him smoking, though he says nothing about acting like such a judgmental prick to Betty earlier. Annie reads him the riot act and then realizes it's his nervousness over proposing to Lucy that's stressing him out so bad. Annie encourages him to propose, claiming, "She's not looking for some fantastically romantic gesture. She's just looking for a ring and your love." Oh, barf. And Annie? Actually, your fuckwitted beast of a daughter is looking for a "grand, romantic gesture." She's told Kevin so a million times.
She's also waiting for him in the front hallway, where she wants to know about his smoking. She wails, "I make you so crazy, you started smoking? What's , alcohol? Drugs?" Oh, shut the fuck up, Lucy. It's not like Kevin's a twelve-year-old threatened by gateway drugs. He's not even human, for that matter. Kevin reassures her that it's not "all" her fault. How kind! Instead of smacking him, Lucy kisses him instead. Because she really is that dumb. Need further evidence? She makes a "deal" with him. She will stop bugging him about proposing, and in return, he can take his time to do it. I'm not sure she quite understands the meaning of the word "deal." Just what does she get out of the "deal"? You know, if she's this stupid in all her transactions, I wouldn't mind playing poker with her. As long as she wears a muzzle, of course. She does have one request, though: that Kevin not to propose to her on Valentine's Day. I really hope I'm not spoiling anything when I tell you that he will totally ignore the one thing she has asked for. Because he really is that much of a prick.
Roxanne and Chandler are still sitting on some steps in front of a house. I thought this was Chandler's place, but now Roxanne is making me think it's her house. Oh, who cares? It's the last scene of the show, and that's what we need to focus on. There's some boring lovey-dovey stuff which RevCam interrupts. Roxanne goes inside so that he and RevBong can talk.
Eric tries to give Chandler something that looks like a brochure. Chandler looks like he's just been offered a pamphlet on toe fungus until Eric tells him that it's a plane ticket to go "home." I'm not sure where "home" is exactly, but since there are only four states in the CamVerse, it shouldn't be too hard to work it out. That's a pretty nice gesture -- unless it's a one-way ticket, of course. Chanandler asks, rather pointlessly, "Didn't Thomas Wolfe say you can never go home again?" RevCam replies, "Well, Eric Camden says you can go home again, and you should." Wow, that wasn't at all stilted or awkward. When Chandler says he's not ready to see his father yet, RevCam explains that the ticket is "open-ended," so RevBong can go whenever he wants. He explains that he wants to "do right" by Chandler, and that he cares about him. It's not a bad scene, and I'd probably be able to take it seriously if it weren't for the fact that practically everything that's occurred in the hour before this was so damned offensive and stupid.
The fact that I'm looking forward to guzzling some narcotic cough syrup now tells you that I probably didn't learn much from this episode. Oh, well -- that's okay. I'm reasonably sure nobody else did either.