Annie pours herself a cup of coffee and drinks some immediately. Unfortunately, it doesn't burn her tongue off. She rolls her eyes heavenward for no apparent reason and stands there, looking like a total dork, until RevCam comes in. Then she starts badgering him about when he's planning to go back to work. She says she's still not used to him being home all day "like Ozzie Nelson." That's a pretty rude thing to say to a person you claim to love. Also, Ozzie Nelson? Isn't the vast majority of the audience made up of preteen girls? That reference ought to go over well with them. After twenty-plus years, RevCam's totally used to his hag-faced wife being such a bitch, so he just brushes her off impatiently and leaves.
Simon comes into the CamKitchen, and Annie starts prying into his business. He brushes her off too, and then hightails it out of there.
When Lucy walks in, there's no need to pry into her business. In fact, she just won't shut up about her stupid problems. It's the same old shit, like the fact that she feels she has to reassure mental abuser Kevin that she's trying to be good friends with his work partner, which is something that still makes absolutely no sense to me and probably never will. Today, however, she has a new stupid problem: She's been called to jury duty. Whine, whine, bitch, complain. Annie tells Lucy she loves her, gives her a kiss on the forehead, and leaves. Lucy looks confused. That was a pretty weird thing for Annie to do, but I'm convinced that she just couldn't take any more of the bitching, and that was just her way of softening the blow when she walked out on Lucy.
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster consists of Lucy trying to find the jury duty office. It takes her forever, although, in her defense, it doesn't look like there are any signs telling her where to go. She asks a couple of security guys to point out the way, which they do, literally. I guess it costs less to have extras point than it does to have them speak. Amazingly, Lucy is polite and patient throughout this entire ordeal, even when she has to go through a metal detector. All in all, it's pretty dull, even for a Timewaster.
When Lucy finally finds her way to the well-hidden jury duty office, she talks to the women in charge, Ms. Beane, who's played by Jackee Harry of Sister, Sister fame. It sure is sad to see her on this show, especially when she has to put up with Lucy. Ugh. You know, I wouldn't have thought 7th Heaven had enough money to compensate any halfway decent actor willing to act in scenes with Lucy. After all, there must be hazard pay involved. Lucy tries to get out of jury duty because she's a student and "special." No comment there. Ms. Beane addresses the room, asking how many of the people waiting are students. More than half of them raise their hands. Gee, do you think that might be a trifle unrealistic?
Simon is at school, talking to Cecilia, who, of course, is played by Asslee Simpson (tee hee -- thanks, Hoedogg). He reminds me of an overexcited puppy who hasn't been fixed yet, as he natters on about how great it is that Cecilia's dad says they can date again. Simon and Asslee, that is -- not Simon and her dad. Cecilia's looking severely underwhelmed. He tries to drag a little enthusiasm out of her, but it's no use. Not even his exposition of the fact that they're both supposed to be working after school draws anything more than an irritated eye roll.
Down at the cop shop, Roxanne asks Kevin if he and Lucy are having sex. What a lovely question! And so appropriate in the workplace. The T-1000 seems uncomfortable as he pretends that he's just too classy to answer a question like that. But he's looking a little too worried, which makes me wonder -- do cyborgs have sex? Do they even have dicks? Roxanne is stupid enough to think that just because RevBong and Lucy are both ministers (or, in Lucy's case, a minister wannabe), they will have the exact same attitude toward sex. Come to think of it, on this show, don't all decent people have the same exact attitude toward sex? Evil, evil, evil -- unless you're married, of course. The fact that Roxanne isn't sure she can be in a relationship without getting some should make me like her more, but she's been working my nerves for so long that it's too little, too late. Kevin advises her to find out about Chandler's feelings on the subject by asking Chandler. He's just a fountain of wisdom, isn't he?
Annie is spending some quality time with the twins by helping them build a really ugly Lego truck. Fortunately, one of the twins calls the hideous truck "not so great" and puts it out of its misery. RevCam comes in and tells Annie that he's heading off to his appointment with Dr. Gibson. She acts all passive-aggressive as she again tries to get him to divulge what goes on in his therapy sessions. What a fuckwit. The atmosphere is pretty tense by the time Ruthie walks in. RevCam uses her entrance as an excuse to flee. When Ruthie asks, "Why do I get the feeling I missed all the good stuff?" I have to roll my eyes. Trust me, Ruthie -- you didn't miss shit.
At the courthouse, Ms. Beane tells Lucy that her request to be excused for jury duty has been denied. Lucy, of course, has to throw her a whole bunch of attitude as she whines self-importantly about how the world will stand still if she has to miss some classes at super-prestigious Crawford Clown College. Ms. Beane very reasonably suggests that Lucy postpone her jury duty until summer. Lucy says she'll still be attending school in the summer. Oh, and she'll be working too. That's bloody likely. Have we seen Lucy work, like, ever? Lucy's extreme assholishness makes it really hard to have any sympathy for her, especially when she refuses to serve during Christmas week. Why? I'm not sure, exactly, but it sounds like it would be sort of inconvenient for her. Boo-fucking-hoo. I seriously doubt the courtroom is open on Christmas Day. At least Ms. Beane has the good sense not to take any of this very seriously. Looks like it's jury duty for Lucy.
RevCam is in the middle of his counseling session with Dr. Gibson. No exciting revelations here. In fact, this may just be the most boring discussion in the history of mankind. In a classic avoidance move, RevCam turns the tables and starts asking about Dr. Gibson's divorce. I'm sure I'm not the only viewer who cares deeply and passionately about Dr. Gibson and his divorce. After his five minutes of screen time last week, I've just got so much invested in him as a character.
I'm not sure who thought it would be a good idea to give Lucy such a prominent plot this week, but I sincerely hope that person was fired. I can barely bring myself to watch as Lucy keeps finding new and not-so-creative things to whine about. I could describe it for you, but I doubt you care. And if you do care, you really shouldn't. Suffice it to say, Lucy will have to come back to the courthouse tomorrow. Do you think she'll bitch and complain some more? Yeah, the suspense is killing me too.
Simon is mopping the floor of an empty hallway in his school, and he's doing a piss-poor job of it. Now what's David Gallagher going to do if his singing career doesn't take off? Simon looks up at the clock and sees that it's five-thirty. I think the sad music is trying to tell us we should feel sorry for him because Asslee never came to work at four o'clock, like she was supposed to. Why the music would think that's a bad thing is beyond me.
, Simon does one of the dumbest things he could possibly do -- he goes to the T-1000 for advice. Kevin proves how sympathetic he can be by telling Simon, "If I was [sic] Cecilia's father, there's no way you'd get a break. I wouldn't let you go anywhere near my daughter." The Simon I like sometimes would roll his eyes and end the conversation right there, but this Simon just sits there and takes it. The T-1000 says something cryptic about how Simon needs to worry less about Cecilia and more about what he himself has said to Asslee. Simon says, "You know, I bet that's it." He gets up and leaves, leaving stupider viewers to bite their nails frantically in suspense as they wonder what Simon could possibly have meant by that remark.
RevCam apologizes to Annie for "what happened earlier." I don't remember him doing anything he should apologize for, but that's never stopped Annie from wanting apologies anyway. When Eric tells her that Dr. Gibson wants her to come to one of RevCam's therapy sessions, Annie reacts with horror, demanding, "What did you tell him about me?" Relax, Annie -- if RevCam had told him what you're really like, you'd have someone from Child Protective Services breaking down your door right now. Still, Annie will not rest until RevCam tells her what he's said about her, even though, as he points out, "that defeats the whole purpose of therapy, doesn't it?"
Annie goes into the CamKitchen, where Ruthie asks her if therapy is "always this emotional." Annie looks at her sternly and says, "You know how I feel about eavesdropping." Actually, we can't be entirely sure. I don't think Annie's ever come out with an official statement on it, but if her actions are anything to judge by, she's obviously a big fan of it. Ruthie suggests that Annie accompany Eric to see the shrink -- not because the doctor suggested it as something that would help Eric, but so that Annie can keep an eye on her husband and make sure he doesn't make any decisions she doesn't like. That fills me with a disgust too profound for words.
Hey, speaking of revulsion, here's Lucy, and she's talking to the T-1000 on the back porch of the CamPound. Well, actually, she's whining some more. Yeah, color me surprised. When she's done with the description of her crappy day, Kevin doesn't comment; he merely suggests that they leave for their dinner date. On the one hand, I can sympathize with him not giving a crap about Lucy's stupid problems. God knows I don't. But I don't claim to love her or want to spend the rest of my life with her. The least -- the very least -- that Kevin could do is feign a little interest and sympathy. What a dipshit. And as always, Lucy is pathetic for staying with him. When Kevin asks why she wants to be excused from jury duty, Lucy says, "For the obvious reasons: I'm really busy, and it's an inconvenience." The "busy" part doesn't exactly ring true, since Lucy obviously has plenty of time to stalk Roxanne and bitch about Roxanne and fight with Roxanne. And it's not like she's ever worked a day in her life. Plus, everyone knows Crawford Clown College is a total joke. Kevin is not impressed with her excuses either, although in his case it's because he takes the judicial system really, really seriously. Like, really seriously. He gives Lucy a hilariously stilted lecture on the importance of everyone doing "their part." I'm sorry, but nobody in the real world actually talks like the government pamphlet the writer stole Kevin's speech from. And the whole sermon is so condescending that you'd think it was being given to a ten-year-old. Of course, ten-year-olds are about eight years too young to serve on juries anyway. I think we're supposed to believe that Kevin is getting all worked up about this issue -- especially since he cancels his dinner date with Lucy and leaves. But since George Stults really is a terrible, terrible actor, it's hard to feel the magic.
At the high school, Asslee gives Simon the brush-off again. Simon seems to care. That makes one of us.
Roxanne and Chandler are swapping spit outside the entrance to the Glenoak Police Department. I think that extended make-out sessions at one's place of business just smack of professionalism, don't you? ["Hee. 'Smack.' Good one." -- Sars] RevBong waves goofily at Roxanne before getting into his late-model BMW. I had no idea the assistant ministerial racket was so lucrative. As RevBong drives away, Kevin makes vaguely offensive remarks to Roxanne, implying that she just spent the night with Chandler. Roxanne explains that she and Chandler just got together for breakfast, and that's all. She claims that she now understands that "there's more to relationships than sex." Wow. And she learned all this since yesterday? That must have been some breakfast. Oh, what's that? You say her transformation is completely unrealistic? I agree, but this way, at least we didn't have to suffer through the scene where Roxanne and Chandler and his Furrowed Brow Of Bad Acting discussed the matter. You know, I'll bet they filmed just such a scene, but someone from the network killed it because it was too bad even for this show.
Lucy is back at the courthouse. This may come as something of a surprise to you, but she's bitching rudely about how she doesn't want to be there. When Ms. Beane says she'll be playing a video about jury duty, I perk up somewhat, because even watching a bad educational film would be better than listening to Lucy. Alas, we don't actually get to see the video, though we are treated to some more of Lucy's whining. Yippee! I'm wondering what the rest of the potential jurors are thinking at this point. They must be absolutely terrified that they'll have to serve on a jury with Lucy. Could you imagine being sequestered with her for weeks on end?
RevCam is in his office, working on an idea for another book, when Ruthie comes in to hassle him about his therapy. Like he doesn't get enough of that shit from Annie. Ruthie thinks that not only should Annie join him at a session, but that the rest of the CamDorks should go too. As she points out, they all have "issues." RevCam looks surprised to learn that, which makes me think he's far stupider than I've been giving him credit for.
Simon confronts Asslee, wanting to find out why she's been avoiding him. Simon, who cares? Just count your blessings and leave her alone. She's practically begging you to anyway. And she's definitely not providing any answers.
Roxanne and the T-1000 are getting out of their cruiser. Their license plate number is "." Shouldn't it be "666"? Kevin is whining about how Lucy won't make the effort to understand his point of view, although I have to point out that he has not exactly gone out of his way to see hers. Oddly enough, Roxanne is actually defending Lucy…sort of. They're having this conversation while walking toward a homeless guy who looks like he's jerking off. By the time they reach him, it seems he's finished and passed out. Roxanne kicks him in the foot, but he doesn't wake up, so she reaches over to shake him awake. Evidently, she's startled him, because he lashes out and stabs her with a knife. It's pretty funny. So are George Stults's attempts to act manly and in charge. After he's cuffed the confused-looking homeless guy, the T-1000 gets out his radio and shouts into it, "Officer down! I need an ambulance right away." Heh. Well, she's not down, exactly, since she's still standing there clutching her arm, which is not even bleeding very much. And Kevin's really not accomplishing much if he doesn't tell the dispatcher where to send the ambulance. Come to think of it, why doesn't he just drive her to the hospital himself? He's got the siren and the flashing lights, and he's allowed to speed.
I thought the commercial break gave me the chance to get all the laughter out of my system, but I was wrong. Down at the hospital, some doctor is tying a bandage around Roxanne's arm and telling her how serious her wound is. He recommends that she stay overnight at the hospital, but she doesn't want to. RevBong promises to stay with her and "make sure everything's all right." I think he's getting his doctorate confused with a medical degree, and the value of his presence is dubious at best, but maybe laughing at the Furrowed Brow Of Bad Acting will cheer Roxanne up a bit. Works for me.
As Kevin's leaving the hospital, he runs into Lucy. What the hell is she doing there anyway? Well, it seems that Kevin left her a message, but didn't expect her to come to the hospital. Rather than being touched that she'd make the effort, he throws her a whole whack of attitude, saying, "We were checking on this homeless man in the alley, we were talking about you, and we probably weren't paying close enough attention." Lucy incredulously asks, "You're not gonna blame this on me, are you?" I certainly wouldn't put it past the future wife-beater. Instead of apologizing for being such a shit-heel, the T-1000 wields the theme mallet instead, telling her, "This isn't about you, Lucy. Not everything is about you." Nice technique, there, Kevin. First you basically tell your girlfriend that she caused this incident, and then when she calls you on your absurdity, you twist her words around so that they become an additional insult. You know, I really thought that I'd become so jaded that I was past getting angry at this show, but then I see scenes like this. I'm curious as to how anyone, anyone at all, could feel that shit like this demonstrates family values. Really, I am. If you know the answer, please email me. Oh, and for the record? In case you're wondering? Kevin? Not really that "HOTT!!!" And even if he were, it's still not an excuse.
Back at the CamPound, Annie and RevCam are arguing about Eric's therapy. Unseen by them, Ruthie is eavesdropping from the living room. Annie insults Eric about how much he's changed since he had his surgery and says that now he spends most of his days "contemplating his navel." RevCam has a different take on things. He tells Annie, "I think you're upset because I'm not jumping when you pull the strings." Just for good measure, he adds, "Lately, if it's not your way, it's no way. And maybe it's not even lately." Yeah! All right, Eric! And we all thought therapy wasn't doing him any good. It's too bad he couldn't have told Annie this, like, a year ago when she was banishing their kids to the unfinished Garage Treehouse. Annie becomes extremely miffed and refuses to go to Dr. Gibson's office with Eric. We see Ruthie looking horrified. It's probably because she can't believe Brenda's still pounding this stupid plot into the ground.
As if going to Kevin for advice weren't stupid enough, now Simon thinks he should approach Cecilia's father. He accuses Mr. Asslee of not approving of him, which causes the man to embark on a tirade about how Cecilia is probably avoiding Simon because she thinks he is going to pressure her to have sex. Okay, but wasn't she the one coolly buying the condoms a couple weeks ago?
RevBong is sitting dutifully by Roxanne's hospital bed, where he's trying to tell her he wants to take their relationship "to the step." By the way, he takes about five decades to get that one sentence out of his mouth. And by "step," he certainly doesn't mean succumbing to the evil that is premarital sex. No, he wants to continue dating Roxanne with the idea of marrying her one day. She asks, "I'm not on some painkiller that would make me hallucinate, am I?" Sadly, no. I heard that too, although I have no idea what it means. She keeps asking him to repeat it. Amazingly, though, it's not so that she can laugh at him. She actually thinks it's sweet! I always knew she was stupid. So, is the point where he pins his fraternity pin on her hospital gown? Or gives her his class ring?
On the porch of the CamPound, the T-1000 is lying in wait for Lucy -- so he can insult her some more, I assume. I'm right, although he does start off with a not-very-sincere apology first. When Lucy wants to know why her avoidance of jury duty upsets him so much, he sighs and says he's going for a walk. I cringe when Lucy pathetically begs, "Can I come with you?" No deal. Kevin says, "If I spend any more time with you right now, I may say something I'll regret." I guess that means he doesn't regret any of the nasty shit he's already said to Lucy. What a great guy. And he doesn't stop there. When Lucy asks him what it is he doesn't want to say to her, he goes right ahead and says it anyway: "There are some things I don't like about you, and I'm just gonna have to accept those things…if I can." I think the odds of him actually accepting anything about Lucy that he doesn't like are pretty slim. You just know he's going to try to manipulate Lucy into changing, and that she will be stupid enough to do so. As Sars said last week, I hate this goddamn show.
Good heavens, what the hell is Ben doing on the show? Fortunately, he's only phoning from Buffalo, but I still think his presence is completely unnecessary. Ruthie takes the call, and starts bitching about how her parents are fighting. Annie eavesdrops from nearby, proving that she is a total hypocrite. When Ruthie hangs up the phone and calls her on it, Annie doesn't even bother making up an excuse or apologizing. In the course of her eavesdropping, she's overheard Ruthie talking about divorce, so she tries to reassure the brat that she and Eric won't be splitting up. This plot is so inane. You just know the CamRents can't end their marriage, because, according to this show's totally fucked-up value system, divorce is the province of evil, immoral, homewrecking-type people. I wonder if Brenda knows that such people comprise about fifty percent of our population.
Please, God, give me the strength to get through this scene. Lucy's back at the courthouse, and that can't be good for anyone. Ms. Beane tells the prospective jurors to report to the room where the jury will be chosen. As Lucy walks past, Ms. Beane says, "I hope that the trial doesn't go on for months and that they sequester the jury." When Lucy says that would be "awful," Ms. Beane replies, "I agree -- especially for all the other jurors who will be locked up with you." Ha! Jackee Harry has at least somewhat redeemed her guest appearance on this dreadful piece of crap, but she still has a lot to answer for.
In the courtroom, the judge asks the prospective jurors if any of them know the defendant. Because no coincidence is too farfetched for this show, the defendant turns out to be Jimmy "Plywood" Moon. Lucy looks shocked. Maybe it's because Jimmy's looking a lot bigger than he used to. I might have to start calling him "Jimmy Redwood." I wonder what he's on trial for. It's certainly not overacting, as his expression remains completely impassive throughout the scene. Lucy raises her hand and expositions that this is Jimmy Moon, her ex-boyfriend, in case you didn't recognize him.
Simon confronts Asslee yet again. She really is mad at him. It's because he hasn't been asking about her feelings. When he finally does ask, she unbends enough to agree to go out with him again. However, she does impose some conditions. She wants to be able to see other people, and she needs to know that Simon won't pressure her to have sex. Again, I must remind her that she was the one who bought the condoms. I really don't understand why she's putting all the blame on Simon. She even tells him, totally insultingly, that she doesn't trust him to date other people because she'd always be worrying that he's getting it on with someone. Incredibly, he agrees. Usually, people agree to weird dating conditions because they're getting something out of it, like sex, but Simon's not even getting that. There's obviously something very, very wrong with him.
It looks like the T-1000 won't even have to manipulate Lucy into realizing the importance of jury duty. Knowing that Jimmy Redwood is about to stand trial is enough to do that. As she tells Ms. Beane, seeing someone she knew on trial made her understand how important it is for everyone to do her part. Blah, blah. I really hope there's no one out there who's stupid enough to have learned a "valuable lesson" from this dumb show. Lucy's offer to be part of another jury really doesn't endear her to Ms. Beane, who obviously just wants Lucy to go the hell away.
Annie and Eric are in Mr. Gibson's office, getting ready to emote. RevCam says he resents Annie's lack of support for his desire to switch careers. I suspect that she just doesn't want to leave the CamPound, but she's afraid that if she says that, she'll sound shallow, so instead she just says that she didn't think Eric really wanted to change careers. Despite the fact that Annie's apologies don't sound very sincere, this scene is actually pretty good -- even when Annie puts RevCam on the spot and tries to get him to make a decision about the ministry right then and there. She even makes a glycerin drop roll down his cheek!
Kevin is fairly gracious once he has his way and Lucy has capitulated and groveled for his forgiveness for being a "bad citizen." Much as I hate Lucy, I can't take watching her put herself down while Kevin does nothing to stop her. He also informs her that Chandler and Roxanne are now dating with the idea of getting married in the future. He gives it way more importance than it actually deserves, especially when you consider what a lame-ass "commitment" it is anyway. You can get engaged or decide that your relationship is exclusive, but Chandler's "commitment" still seems entirely meaningless to me. Lucy takes the news fairly well. After charmingly threatening to kill the T-1000 if he doesn't give her an engagement ring before Roxanne gets one, she leaves.
RevCam and Annie are back at the CamPound. He is unduly excited about the prospect of eating some strawberry shortcake. Ruthie comes in and asks if the CamRents are getting divorced. Annie explains that Ben gave Ruthie the idea that the CamRents might split up. But she's put a stop to that. As she prissily explains, "I called him and made him promise not to have any further conversations with our children without sharing his ideas with me first." For some reason, that really rubs me the wrong way. No worries, though, as it's the end of the episode, and Ruthie and the CamRents are all eating gleefully from the same germy piece of strawberry shortcake. More to the point, it's time for a stiff vodka drink or two for your recapper while I contemplate the fact that future episodes have got to get better. God knows they can't get much worse.