The episode begins with a shot of a really pretty horse. Oh, and there's some one-shot female guest star standing to the horse too, in case you're interested. And you're probably not. Ruthie walks past them, leading her horse by its reins. For some reason, the guest star feels the need to tell her, "You know, it's called 'horseback riding' for a reason. You're supposed to be on the back of the horse riding it." I think she's trying to sound charmingly witty, but really, she just comes off as a rude bitch who's meddling in something that's none of her business. Welcome to Glenoak, my friends. Ruthie says the guest star's comment is "very funny," which is patently not true. The guest star introduces herself as Katelyn and jumps right into the Camden way of life by asking Ruthie what's wrong. Ruthie has fallen and hurt her leg, and she doesn't feel like getting back on the horse. Katelyn orders her to get back on the horse anyway. She even offers an incentive, claiming that she will ride with Ruthie. Inexplicably, Ruthie accepts. You know, if someone had just finished insulting me and ordering me around, I doubt I'd want to go riding with her, but then again, I'm not a dumb-ass like Ruthie. The girls set off to the strains of some particularly dorky country music. I think whoever is in charge of this music is butchering that old Gene Autry song, "Back in the Saddle Again." It still sounds better than the 7th Heaven theme song, though.
It looks like Brenda's getting kind of lazy with The Opening Credits Timewaster, which consists of more footage of Ruthie and Katelyn riding. As they return to the stables, Simon is waiting. The fugly combo of his slicked-back hair and dog-shit-coloured leather jacket make him look particularly unattractive today. He's also bitching about Ruthie being late. While he's got a point, the whining hardly adds to his appeal. Ruthie tells him to step off since she's had "the best day of [her] life." Katelyn's offer to put up Ruthie's horse sends the younger girl over the moon. She says, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" in a way that makes you think someone had just told Mackenzie Rosman that Brenda Hampton got fired. A girl can wish, can't she? Ruthie starts brandishing the theme mallet as she explains to Simon about falling off the horse and then getting "back in the saddle again." She reiterates it, in case you didn't quite grasp the cliché the first time around, and adds something about pulling oneself up by one's bootstraps. Thank you, Ruthie, for sharing those incredibly trite observations with us.
The CamRents are hugging as Eric prepares to leave for his first visit with a shrink. I can't believe it's taken him this long. Annie melodramatically begs, "If you speak of me, speak kindly." That would be much funnier if this show didn't suck so hard.
RevCam leaves, and Lucy enters. Annie tells her she looks nice. I'm sure Annie is lying. Lucy says she's dressed up because she and her cyborg sweetheart are going out with Roxanne and Miss Chanandler Bong. She feels she needs to look her best whenever she's around Roxanne. Annie spews some platitude about life not being "a competition," but that if it were, Lucy would be "a winner." This time even Lucy realizes that Annie is stretching the truth. It's pretty funny when Annie admits that this is the case; it's even funnier when she implies that Lucy should be seeing a therapist. On a more serious note, however, I'm not sure that modern psychiatry has evolved enough to help Lucy.
Down at the church, RevBong is hanging out in the office, doing…oh, whatever it is that fake TV ministers do. Cheryl drops by, looking for RevCam. Because she is an Evil Single Woman, she gets downright flirtatious when she discovers RevBong in all his hunky splendor. He tells her he's the associate pastor. She says, "I didn't know there was an associate pastor." Are you taking notes on Cheryl's conversational techniques? Her skills are pretty astounding, aren't they?
I'm beginning to think this is all just an excuse for Roxanne to walk in and get jealous. Sure enough, there's the loathsome twit now, watching as Cheryl compliments the church board for choosing RevBong: "Well, they sure did a good job of recruiting." Roxanne belligerently demands, "What does that mean, blondie?" This loses a lot of its sting when you consider that A) Roxanne is blonde herself, and B) it's a totally lame insult anyway, even for this show. Cheryl looks mystified by this freaky woman threatening her for no apparent reason. It's probably the cop uniform that scares Cheryl into apologizing. It must be hard for her, though, since she hasn't even done anything wrong. Kevin "T-1000" apologizes on behalf of Roxanne, but Cheryl still can't get out of there fast enough. After graciously wishing RevBong luck in his new job, she starts to leave. Chandler says he will tell RevCam that she stopped by. Okay -- good plan, Chandler, even though you don't know this woman's name or anything. Kevin decides to depart also, leaving Roxanne, RevBong, and RevBong's unattractively furrowed brow alone in the office. I wonder if it's time for some police brutality.
It sure is. Roxanne wants to know who the woman is and why she was alone with Chanandler in his office. She asks, "Is this what you do all day, hang out with needy women in church basements?" Well, yeah. I think that pretty accurately sums up his job. When RevBong refuses to apologize for having the gall to speak to another woman, Roxanne tells him she doesn't want to date him anymore and then storms off. Because she is a silly, scatterbrained little woman, she seems to have forgotten that she needs a ride to the CamPound. Silly, silly! That makes it particularly comical when she has to spoil her big exit by coming back in to ask RevBong for a ride.
Lucy is unbecomingly pleased to hear that Roxanne and Chandler are fighting. Obviously, she's gonna ask for details, especially when she hears that Chandler was talking to another woman in his office. It must be a little frustrating for her, though, that Kevin is so bad at describing the woman. He can't even tell her if the woman was sexy or pretty. Maybe those are concepts that don't exist where he comes from. ["Or maybe he knows better than to describe any other woman to Lucy as 'pretty' or 'sexy.' God knows I wouldn't risk going there." -- Sars] Despite her rampant stupidity, Lucy is somehow able to decipher that the woman who was in the church office was Cheryl. Shouldn't she be channeling those extrasensory powers into something more positive? Maybe she could help the police department solve crimes. That is, if she can take time away from gossiping about Cheryl to RevBong. He looks kind of disgusted, but when Lucy invites him in, he enters the CamPound anyway.
Over in the living room, the T-1000 is trying to help Roxanne with her love life. When she claims she's embarrassed about behaving all psycho around Chandler, Kevin's stellar advice is that she should pretend she has PMS. Roxanne looks appalled by this suggestion. That actually makes me like her for a few seconds -- until I find out the main reason she's looking so dismayed is because she can't believe Kevin said "PMS" around her. Has Rachel Blanchard no shame? When she says, "I hate myself right now," I think I detect a twinge of despair that has nothing to do with the character she's supposed to be playing here.
RevBong enters, asking to talk to Roxanne. Kevin turns to leave. As he passes Chanandler, he whispers, "PMS!" RevBong looks alarmed, but he pulls himself together enough to explain to Roxanne that his job involves helping people, and that if he's talking to a woman at the church, it doesn't mean he's cheating on her. It's like he's explaining something to a four-year-old. He also claims to be a "fairly monogamous guy." After he says it, he furrows up his brow. Nothing new there. I think this time, though, that Jeremy London is using it as a way of showing that Chanandler is surprised by what just came out of his mouth. If I were Jeremy London, I wouldn't bother putting any effort into acting either. It's not like he's going to be outclassed by any of the other sad excuses for thespians on this show. Roxanne gets mad at the "fairly monogamous" part, and storms off.
She stomps into the kitchen, where she asks the T-1000 and Lucy to drive her home. Kevin tries to foist the responsibility off on Lucy. Since he and Lucy are supposed to be going out on a date, I'm not sure why they can't both drive her, but I guess Kevin is senselessly trying to make the girls be friends. I've never understood why he should want this, and I still don't. Since he knows how stupid Lucy is, he figures he can patronize her by saying that he thinks Roxanne was reaching out to her and wants to bond with her. To her credit, Lucy realizes that that's total bullshit.
Fortunately, Simon and Ruthie interrupt this exchange. I start having second thoughts about the "fortunately" part, though, when Ruthie starts in with her new Up With People! attitude. She's trying to get Simon to contact Cecilia's parents and Lucy to befriend Roxanne, while I'm just trying to make it through this scene without incurring any serious damage to my brain from the theme mallet. Ouch! Put that thing away, will you?
RevCam is in the office of his therapist, Dr. Gibson. By this point, I could use a visit from Dr. Gilbey myself, but it's too damn cold to go to the liquor store right now. Dammit! Why didn't I plan this better? The doctor summarizes what RevCam has told him. Apparently, Eric has deluded himself into thinking his life is great and that he's "madly in love" with Annie, but that despite all that, he is still unhappy and ungrateful. Dr. Gibson tears him a new one and tells him to get back to his job and his life and to stop feeling sorry for himself. Obviously, Dr. Gibson has never met Annie or any of RevCam's stupid children before, or he might have a little more sympathy.
Back at the CamPound, Eric is discussing his shrink visit with Annie, who pretends to be supportive but is actually just trying to manipulate Eric into going back to work. He's not in the mood to talk to her, so he leaves. Simon takes this opportunity to whine that although he thinks Cecilia is the right "woman" for him, her father won't let him speak to her. To tell you the truth, I really can't blame Annie for sounding bored and insincere as she throws some platitudes his way.
I'm surprised to hear good advice from Lucy, but there it is. She suggests to Roxanne that if RevBong having to counsel women in the course of his job bothers her, perhaps she shouldn't be pursuing a relationship with him. Of course, the same thing could be said of Lucy and Kevin, and Roxanne is more than ready to set Lucy straight. She tells Lucy that if she can't get used to Roxanne being Kevin's partner, maybe she shouldn't be marrying the cyborg. Lucy claims that her relationship is different from Roxanne's, because she's been dating Kevin for almost a year and she loves him. Of course, Roxanne whines, "Maybe I love Chandler!" That's right -- after one week of dating. So realistic, so believable. Lucy tells Roxanne that if she loves Chandler, she should make up with him. Roxanne can't do that, because it would entail admitting that she's jealous. As any fool can see, Roxanne is obviously not jealous. When Lucy asks, "So, what are you?" Roxanne experiences an epiphany. She says, "Oh, my God. I'm you. I'm a crazy woman with no self-esteem. I'm you!" I haven't stopped hating Roxanne, but I must confess that I'm thoroughly enjoying this scene.
T-1000 and RevBong are sitting in the living room, not talking. That happy state of affairs is ruined by Lucy, who comes in to inform them that Roxanne has left. When RevBong leaves too, Lucy whines to Kevin, "I tried!" He sternly asks her, "How hard did you try?" Dude, the woman you love just got majorly dissed by your stupid partner, and now you want her to be friendlier to her? You know, I'm beginning to suspect that Kevin might be somewhat of a tool.
On his way out, RevBong waylays Annie to ask her if she's ever been jealous of any of the women Eric has had to counsel. When he explains that Roxanne got jealous of a woman who stopped into the office to talk to Eric, Annie flies into a green-eyed frenzy and starts ranting about Serena. Trust me -- there are more than enough funny faces to go around. I guess she's answered Chanandler's question, though, so he feels free to leave.
He's replaced by Kevin, who says, "I'm going home. Evidently, Roxanne has turned into Lucy, and if I'm gonna deal with Lucyness in my life twenty-four hours a day, I'm gonna need my rest." Lovely way to speak of your sweetheart, Kevin. You always know just the right thing to say. He did get my hopes up when he announced that he's going home. Since that seems like a weird way to refer to the uninhabitable Garage Treehouse, I'm going to assume he means that he's heading back to Buffalo. Annie says, "Everyone's starting to get on my nerves," which just proves that she's watching the same episode I am.
Outside, RevBong is just standing in the yard, staring at the sky. I sincerely hope God will answer his prayers to be written off the show. Kevin tries to sneak by without saying anything, but he's out of luck. RevBong wants to know how the cyborg manages to have both a career and a relationship. Kevin tells him, "You're gonna have to find [Roxanne] and have one of those discussions that's gonna make your brain bleed halfway into it because it's not gonna make any sense." And by "discussions" he must mean "episodes of 7th Heaven." Kevin has some convoluted theory about women that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but I think it has something to do with women being too proud to admit when they've been acting crazy, so it's up to the sane, stable patriarch to come up with an excuse on which the woman can blame her wacky behavior. Hence, all that PMS crap from before. Hey, check it out -- we're a little more than halfway through the episode, it's not making any sense, and I feel like my brain is bleeding. It's just like Kevin said!
Simon is lumbering through the hallway of some school, calling out for Cecilia. Unfortunately, he finds her. She bitches him out for letting himself into the school where she's cleaning toilets, and tells him that she's going to be in trouble if her father finds them. He doesn't care, because he loves her. She claims to love him too, although she's shaking her head while she says it. Is her voice less squeaky and more normal now? Maybe that's only because this is a "serious" scene -- or at least it tries to be. When Cecilia reminds us that she and Simon went to their respective parents last week and told them they wanted to have sex, I burst out laughing. I'd almost forgotten about that plotline. Probably because it's so FUCKING STUPID. Simon puts in a gratuitous plug for teen abstinence, saying he's glad that telling the parents kept them from doing something as icky as having sex. When Cecilia asks him to leave her alone, his stalker instincts rise to the fore. "I can't," he says. I find this really creepy, but Cecilia probably finds it romantic.
And there's Cecilia's dad. He's hardly overjoyed to see Simon, not even when the little greaseball tells him that every guy Cecilia goes out with will want to schtup her but that they may be "a lot less honest" than Simon. I'm sure he's right. God knows, nobody could possibly want to talk to her. Simon tries another approach: "Well, could we see each other under your supervision? I could sit in the living room with you and Cecilia and your wife." For some reason, Cecilia doesn't think that sounds like a barrel of laughs, and she tells Simon so. He storms off.
Ruthie is just getting off the phone with Katelyn's mother when RevCam walks in. She fills her dad in on the "best day of [her] life," but I'll spare you the details. It turns out that Katelyn has cystic fibrosis. Ruthie doesn't know anything about the disease, so she asks Eric for a PSA. RevCam never really explains what the disease is, which I find pretty annoying, but he does do a good job of suggesting ways in which Ruthie can discuss the subject with Katelyn. I don't want to be overly cynical, but I'm guessing Brenda must have cribbed that from somebody else's well-written web site. I'm especially impressed to hear Eric say, "When people we care about are in the hospital and they're open to having visitors, we go see them." You'll notice there's absolutely no mention of stalking and that Eric is actually advocating respecting the wishes of the patient. I think that's awfully thoughtful of the CamDorks, don't you?
Eric calls up Katelyn's father, Stoned Guy. Whatever he's on, I could use some if it, especially during this scene. Technically, it does not actually go on for three or four years, but it sure feel like it does. You probably already know that the girl playing Katelyn is actually Mackenzie Rosman's half-sister and that she really does have cystic fibrosis. I've read that Stoned Guy is Katelyn's father in real life, but neither of these people has an entry in the IMDb, so I'm not one hundred percent sure. The fact that they're not listed there tells us something very important -- these people are not actors. I don't need the IMDb to tell me that, though. The evidence is right there onscreen. There's not much point in denigrating their acting skills (or lack thereof), but it does raise the question of why Brenda continues to hire people like this. Anyone remember Yasmine? It's not like there's such a great shortage of talented, out-of-work actors that it would necessitate hiring non-actors. I'm sure Brenda doesn't hire her plumber to fix her teeth. If this episode had taught us anything about cystic fibrosis, it might have been more understandable, but since it doesn't, just what exactly is the point? Is this just Brenda's way of doing Mackenzie Rosman a favor so she'll shut up about her awful plotlines for the rest of the season? Yadda yadda -- Katelyn's dad is nattering on and on, but all you really need to know is that Katelyn is plucky and upbeat and that she's in the hospital for treatment right now. The rest is all filler. After promising to bring Ruthie to the hospital to visit Katelyn, RevCam hangs up.
Annie comes in to nag RevCam about going back to see the therapist again. The time RevCam sees her coming, he should pretend he's still on the phone, and maybe then she'll just go away.
Kevin's also in a nagging mood, and he's taking it out on Roxanne by insisting that she call RevBong. He's so adamant about it, in fact, that he's threatening not to work with her tomorrow unless she has her "personal problems taken care of." I wish it worked that way in the real world. I know I've had co-workers I've wanted to say that to, but I always refrained. Why? Because I didn't want to get my ass fired. Oh, well -- Kevin's practically a Camden by now, so I don't suppose there's any way Detective Michaels could fire him, even if he wanted to.
When Kevin leaves, Roxanne follows his wise patriarchal counsel and calls RevBong. He's happy to hear from her. They agree to ignore their problems, which is one way to tackle the situation, I suppose, although I am a little surprised that they haven't decided to fix their problems by getting married. Then, if they should have any further relationship difficulties, maybe they could solve them by having a child. During this phone conversation, Cheryl returns to the church office. When she says hello to Chanandler, Roxanne actually recognizes her voice, a situation that stretches my suspension of disbelief just a bit. She decides not to go apeshit, though. I wonder why not.
At the high school, Simon and a friend we've never seen before are standing at their lockers when Cecilia walks by. She's making a date with some other guy, which causes Simon's new friend to ask what's up with Simon's "girl." Simon angrily says, "She's not mine. I don't own her, okay? She's not an object. She's a person with her own mind." I'm picturing Brenda writing these lines and saying, "There -- that ought to deflect those pesky feminists while I continue trying to set the world's perception of women back forty years." Simon's new friend asks if Simon would mind if he asked out Cecilia himself. Ew. Why would he want to do a thing like that? Because Cecilia is "hot." Oh, right.
Roxanne thanks the T-1000 for his cyborg advice and tells him she's going out with RevBong tonight. Kevin automatically assumes that means she'll want them to double-date with him and Lucy, which is kind of presumptuous, if you ask me. Roxanne, however, does not want to go anywhere near Lucy, whom she calls "contagious." Hee! Still, that's a pretty awful thing to tell Lucy's boyfriend, particularly if you have to work with him and if he's also a creepy android who could crush your head very easily between his beefy cyborg hands. Kevin just won't give up on Roxanne and Lucy becoming friends, and he tries to tell Roxanne that she doesn't need to be alone with Chandler, since it's only their second date. What the hell does that have to do with anything? Or is Kevin just being patriarchal again and trying to protect Roxanne's morals? Aw, that's so cute!
Annie is in the CamKitchen, preparing dinner, when Simon walks in. He starts whining about how Cecilia is dating other guys. Annie asks, "You mean she'd rather go out on real dates than sit in her living room with her parents and you?" How does she even know Simon suggested that? I didn't see her eavesdropping during that conversation in the school. Her stalking skills must be superb. I'm also a little curious as to why Cecilia is dating other people if she supposedly loves Simon. If she really does love him, wouldn't she want to spend any time she could with him? Annie dispenses some advice, even though no one's asking for it, when she tells Simon that since he's only fifteen years old, he shouldn't be so serious about one girl anyway. He leaves rudely, and in disgust. One of the twins points out that Simon is actually sixteen. He's holding up five fingers while the other twin holds up one. I don't what's creepier: that SuperMom doesn't know the ages of her children, or the fact that someone thought it would be cute to make the twins do that finger thing.
Lucy comes in and starts bitching about how Roxanne and RevBong are going out without her and Kevin. Annie very sensibly asks, "Well, you don't really want to go out with them, do you?" No, but now she's upset at not being asked. You just can't win with this loser, can you? Lucy's being extra-pissy right now because she thinks Annie's not being sympathetic enough. I challenge Lucy to find any sane person in the world who's genuinely sympathetic toward this stupid "problem" of hers. When she asks to speak to RevCam, Annie tells her that he and Ruthie are down at the hospital visiting Katelyn. Lucy pretends to look ashamed about being so selfish. She does agree to watch the twins while Annie answers the door, though, so maybe she genuinely does feel contrite. Why else would she make such a sacrifice?
Annie opens the door to RevCam's shrink. Instead of just asking to see Eric, he says, "Hi, I'm Dr. Gibson. I met with your husband last night." Wow, he must really be the world's most unprofessional therapist. First he blows up at RevCam, and now he's going around advertising that the minister is his patient. Annie invites him in. Since she's just told him that RevCam isn't home, I'm a little mystified as to why he's taking her up on her offer.
Down at the internationally famous Glenoak hospital, Ruthie is visiting with Katelyn, who is demonstrating her pluckiness. Good for her for being upbeat, but I'm really not sure why the viewers are supposed to give a shit about this, and I resent Brenda's attempts to manipulate us emotionally for no discernible reason. It's not like this show is being used to raise money for cystic fibrosis research, and it certainly does nothing to raise awareness. At least no one talks about being "back in the saddle again."
In the CamKitchen, Annie and Dr. Gibson are eating the turkey meatloaf she was putting together when he arrived. How long does it take to cook a meatloaf, anyway? At least an hour, according to my copy of the cookbook Annie was using -- which, incidentally, doesn't even have a recipe for turkey meatloaf. So has Dr. Gibson really been sitting around the kitchen with Annie for well over an hour? Or are they just eating the turkey meatloaf mix raw?
RevCam and Ruthie return, and Annie drags the girl away so that Eric and his therapist can talk. Dr. Gibson says he's there to apologize, and asks RevCam to give him another chance. Eric's looking a little skeptical.
Down on the Promenade, Lucy and the T-1000 are just leaving Flicks. Lucy apologizes about the Roxanne situation and suggests that maybe Roxanne is just not someone who can be a friend to other women. Kevin indicates that Roxanne and Chandler are about twenty feet away, sharing a meal with Cheryl and some guy. Chandler is saying, "Oh, I didn't really mean that. She seems like a lovely girl." I sincerely hope they're saying thoroughly uncharitable things about Lucy. She looks really peeved until Kevin hands her his cell phone and makes her listen to a message Roxanne left for him, asking him and Lucy to join the party at Pete's Pizza. I wonder how Kevin could have known the contents of that voice message without listening to it himself. Maybe his cell phone transmits messages directly to the CPU in his head. Lucy and Kevin walk over to the table where Roxanne and company are seated. I guess she really wasn't expecting Lucy and Kevin to show up, since it's only a table for four. Lucy hugs Cheryl. I didn't realize they were that close, but since Lucy also hugs Roxanne, I guess she's not really all that discriminating.
At the CamPound, Simon is walking down the front stairs as the doorbell rings. He's also saying, "Okay, I'm coming," which is kind of weird. Hmm -- it also looks kind of dirty when it's written out like that. Cecilia's father is at the door, and he wants to strike a deal with Simon. He will give Simon his job back if Simon promises not to do anything "stupid" with Cecilia. Why does he even bother? Asking a Camden not to do anything stupid is just an exercise in frustration. You might as well ask this show not to suck. ["You might as well ask also why Cecilia's father's home does not contain a working telephone. I hate this goddamn show." -- Sars]
After Cecilia's father leaves, Ruthie comes down and asks Simon, "How's life?" When Simon replies that's it's "sweet," Ruthie says, "You fall, you get back up again." I wait in vain for the mention of saddles and/or bootstraps. That's really uncharacteristic of Brenda to not pound the episode title into the ground. I'm talking about the actual words of the title, not the theme, which, of course, has been thoroughly pummeled to death.
Oops -- I spoke too soon. Lucy and Katelyn are out riding together the morning. And the background music is "Back in the Saddle Again." It's not the Aerosmith song. That's too bad, since it would make the scene entertaining. But that's obviously something Brenda wants to avoid like the plague.