After an establishing shot that shows it's summer outside the CamPound, we see RevCam retrieving something from the refrigerator. On the door are those plastic letter magnets you use to teach little kids to read. I imagine Dopey left them behind when he moved to New York. Or maybe the crew cheer themselves up about their jobs by using the letters to spell out lewd messages when Brenda's not looking. At least someone remembered to clean that up before this taping, so the letters now read, "We love Happy." For once, there's a message on this show that I can believe in. RevCam, in all his parenting wisdom, seems to be bribing the twins to either sniffle or sneeze on command. SamVid do this about as well as they do everything else. Mercifully for the viewers, there is a knock at the door, which cuts short the extremely fake "ah-choo"-ing.
Oh, how delightful. It's Ruthie's annoying little friend Peter, the kid with those super-cutting-edge spiky bangs. Why RevCam allows him in the house is beyond me, especially since the rest of the family, including Ruthie, are all at church. RevCam, of course, is sulking and doesn't want to go to church. I guess that's why he's been encouraging the twins to lie and pretend that they're sick -- so that Eric can stay home with them. That's really lovely behaviour, especially when it comes from a man of the cloth. Peter calls RevCam on the trick he's pulled to stay home from church. He expresses some disbelief that Annie would be taken in by the twins' totally unbelievable cold symptoms. This leads me to think that he's never actually met the intellectual known as SuperMom. RevCam gets all defensive at being caught lying. Because he's a total hypocrite, he berates Peter for not going to church. Good response, Eric. That really accomplished a lot.
Down at RevCam's church, Miss Chanandler...Bong is getting ready to begin his sermon. He's momentarily distracted by the vision of loveliness that is Roxanne. Or maybe he's distracted because it looks like she's been standing too close to a paper shredder and got her skirt caught in it. Lucy is also transfixed by Roxanne, and she's downright nasty about the cop's New Year's resolution to start going to church more. Evidently, she sees absolutely no irony in pettily calling into question someone else's spirituality. The organist starts playing, and the choir and congregation stand up. At the last minute, Chanandler stands up too. Everyone sings for a while, which makes me happy since there's nothing to recap.
Today's Opening Credits Timewaster consists of Chanandler glad-handing the parishioners out the door after his sermon. It seems that all the females are unduly struck by his dorky charm. Frankly, I don't see it, but I know Jeremy London has a lot of fans. For some inexplicable reason, this scene is being done in slow motion, which makes Roxanne look even weirder as she approaches the studly reverend. She has a really odd, blank expression on her face which makes her look possessed, and her head is cocked to one side, as if she's listening to a multitude of voices in her head. Strangely enough, RevBong still finds her attractive. He pumps her hand heartily. Heh. That sounds as dirty as I meant it to. Roxanne obviously has sex on her mind too, since she practically propositions Chanandler right there in the church, seductively asking to talk to him in private.
Lucy and Kevin "T-1000" are watching this exchange, and it should come as no surprise that Lucy is using this opportunity to rank on Roxanne some more. She self-righteously kvetches about how disgusting it is for Roxanne to be using the church as "a pick-up joint." But I'll bet God just loves it when a sanctimonious twit uses His house to bitch about stuff that's really none of her business. Particularly when the twit in question professes to be pursuing a career spreading His word. Ugh. Where's a lightning bolt when you need one? Lucy mentions Sunday as being "a day of rest," which is one way of using the episode title in a sentence, I suppose. Too bad it has very little to do with the rest of the scene. Lucy also vents about Chanandler and says that his behavior is a little too Thorn Birds for her. I resent the comparison. Sure, The Thorn Birds was tacky as all hell, but, unlike this scene, at least it was entertaining.
Chanandler and Roxanne laugh rudely as they watch a group of love-struck girls walk away. They must be perplexed about just what, exactly, the girls see in the minister. I know I am. Chanandler looks particularly dull-witted as he monotones an invitation to Roxanne for lunch. She replies in the affirmative while shaking her head to indicate "no." Maybe it's her subconscious that's making her shake her head like that. It's valiantly trying to save her from an afternoon of utter boredom.
No such luck for us. Lucy is still bitching to Kevin, except that now she's including him in her rant, since he didn't give her an engagement ring for Christmas. We learn that her New Year's resolution was to focus more on her relationship with the T-1000. Gross. I thought resolutions were supposed to make your life better. As she sees Roxanne and Chanandler leave for RevCam's office, Lucy pretends she left something there and starts to follow them. Kevin gets the first good line I've ever heard him utter, as he asks her if what she left behind was her "pride."
Back in the CamPound, Annie is questioning RevCam's decision to forgo the "nice Sunday meal" she was expecting him to cook. It seems that RevCam is planning to spend the day watching football and eating canned "beanie weenies." Ew. Does anyone actually call them that? The CamRents throw around that odious phrase repeatedly until I'm about ready to sue the WB for mental anguish. And speaking of torture, that Peter kid is still around, and the twins are still fake-sneezing, and as far as I'm concerned, this scene can't end soon enough. Unfortunately, it drags on and on, as Annie realizes that RevCam was lying to get out of going to church. She lectures him, ordering him to return to work week. He claims that he wants to see if his novel will get published. Annie is surprised to find out he's written a book. That's kind of weird that he could keep something like that a secret, but I guess the Camdens are only nosy when it suits the stupid plotline of the week.
Chanandler asks Roxanne where she'd like to go for lunch, which elicits this bizarre response: "Whenever I work the Promenade, I'm so envious of all the couples I see there. Could we just go to the Promenade and pretend to be a couple? Walk around holding hands, looking in shop windows?" Wow. Talk about needy. Unlike ninety-nine percent of the world's population, Chanandler finds this endearing rather than creepily off-putting. He replies, "Sure, although I'd never be so forward as to think you'd hold my hand on the first date." Golly, I must have missed the part where these characters suddenly turned into a couple of eleven-year-olds. Unless Chanandler was trying to be facetious, in which case, that was pretty funny. When Roxanne asks him if he has any dietary restrictions, he scrunches up his face unappealingly while he considers the question. I don't know about him, but this stupid episode is totally putting me off my food. Chanandler bizarrely non-sequiturs into asking Roxanne about her childhood church attendance. We learn that Roxanne has never been to church, which is hardly surprising in an Evil Single Woman. Why, the thing you know, she'll be asking Chanandler for evil premarital sex!
At the CamPound, RevCam and his new best friend, Peter, are watching football. Lucy is trying to get Kevin to go for a walk with her, but he, understandably, says he would rather watch football. I doubt they have football on Kevin's planet, so he probably doesn't even know what it is, but he is quick enough to realize it's a good excuse to get away from Lucy. Hell, I'm notorious for my dislike of football, but even I would rather watch the game than spend any time in the company of that vile, prissy Lucy. Instead of introducing herself to Peter, she just rudely asks, "Who are you?" While answering, Peter lets Lucy know that he does not attend church. This sends her off into another tiresome rant about how "Sunday has gone to heck in a hand-basket." She gets herself so worked up that she has to leave the room, to no one's dismay. ["Also...'hand-basket'?" -- Sars] The T-1000 tells RevCam that Lucy is planning to spend this sacred day spying on Roxanne and Chandler. What? A Camden is being a hypocrite? Well, color me surprised. I'm convinced that the writers had some sort of contest to see who could come up with the most boring, inconsequential plot. Obviously, this one was the winner.
Annie comes in and asks to read RevCam's novel. She leaves. Kevin bitches about Roxanne and Chanandler dating, but RevCam is just barely paying attention. He does rouse himself from the game long enough to ask Kevin, "You're not having a good day, are you?" RevCam tries to make that day better by sharing this pearl of wisdom: "If the women of the house are not having a good day, no one is having a good day. It's a fact of life." How profound. Eric should burn that lovely sentiment onto a piece of wood. Then he can shellac the wood and hang it in an outhouse. I'm not implying that he's full of shit or anything. Good heavens, no. RevCam shares some more of his charming life philosophy with us, claiming, "That's what women are, really: moods -- a series of moods." I'll just let RevCam hang himself with that one.
Annie comes back and reads aloud the extremely unfortunate title of RevCam's novel: Lover, Can You Hear Me? This makes me think RevCam has written a wicked parody of a truly bad romance novel -- something I've always wanted to do. Apparently, that's not the case, though. While Annie assumes that the novel is "smut," Eric explains that he was "using the physical relationship between the hero and the heroine as a parallel to the spiritual relationship between man and God." Heh. Good one, RevCam. I can't wait to see how you explain the Holy Trinity.
Down on the Promenade, Simon and Cecilia are tainting the sanctity of Sunday by discussing s-e-x. They're planning on having it; they just haven't discussed it with their parents yet. That's right -- they're planning to talk to their folks about it. That's all well and good, except for the part where they think their parents are going to give them permission. First of all, the age of consent in California is eighteen. Parents have no legal right to give their kids permission to break that law. Secondly, the idea of Simon approaching RevCam -- the man who positively freaked when he thought twenty-one-year-old Dopey might be banging his fiancée -- is one of the funniest things I have ever heard. Oh, wait. Scratch that -- here's something even funnier. Cecilia maintains that their parental units will condone the intended sexual activity because she and Simon have good grades and part-time jobs. Huh? Am I missing something here? Cecilia reminds Simon that the school counselor they discussed this with suggested they approach their parents. Well, what the hell do you expect a school counselor to say? Simon reminds Cecilia that they've also "read the pamphlets and watched the movie." Wait. There are pamphlets about it? Really? Or is Simon confusing it with something from the '50s entitled "Puberty and You!"? I don't even want to think about what kind of "movie" they saw. And did they even think to read RevCam's steamy novel? The point is that none of this even comes close to explaining why these two dolts think their parents will be happy to know they're getting it on. All I know is that I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. It really doesn't help that Cecilia is saying all this in her stupid little-girl voice, or that Simon's hair is totally slicked back. But even without those factors, the dialogue itself would be enough. When Cecilia says, "We don't want to sneak around or anything childish like that," it gives me an unfortunate mental image:
Simon: Mom, Dad, Cecilia and I are horny.
Cecilia: We're going upstairs to have sex.
Annie: All right, but you'd better do it on the living room couch.
RevCam: Yeah, where the whole family can keep an eye on you.
Okay, if anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom, scrubbing my brain out with bleach.
Back at the CamPound, Lucy tries to get Ruthie to accompany her on her stalking mission, then rebukes her for doing homework on Sunday. Ruthie basically tells her to get bent.
Roxanne and Chanandler are at some fast food place on the Promenade. It's not Pete's Pizza, Eddie's Pool Hall and Discount Rehearsal Dinner Emporium, or Ye Olde Ice Cream and Stalking Shoppe, so I'm a little confused and disoriented. In fact, I feel almost like a character from Pleasantville. What's ? The discovery of a fifth state? Ha! Like that would ever happen! After perusing the menu, Roxanne asks the clerk if there are any salads. She confesses that she's doing this to "impress" Chanandler. Why she thinks that would impress him, we'll never know. He tells her he's already impressed by her, which effectively answers any lingering questions you may have about his intelligence and/or taste. Chanandler asks, "Penny for your thoughts?" Obviously, he's no bargain hunter. Roxanne says, "I was just thinking the same thing I was thinking all during church." RevBong assumes this means that she wants to hold hands. They gaze stupidly into each other's eyes for a while, and then Roxanne says, "Hold the onions." I don't understand. Is that some sort of family-values term for her breasts?
Annie is folding laundry while reading RevCam's manuscript. She's thoroughly engrossed, but that still doesn't explain how quickly she's turning those pages. At an average of eight seconds per page, she's quite the speed-reader.
Roxanne and Chanandler are still on their date. It sure is boring. In fact, it looks like Roxanne's propping up her head to stay awake. Things livens up slightly when Roxanne asks if there's anything in the Ten Commandments prohibiting sex before marriage. I take it her interest is more personal than academic. RevBong monotones, "Not in the Ten Commandments, but throughout history there have been laws or customs regarding women not having sex before marriage, which were, and possibly still are, for the protection and empowerment of women." You'll have to excuse me for being a little skeptical of that one, Brenda. Funny how the web search I performed didn't yield anything to convince me either. Realizing that Chanandler's not the sharpest crayon in the box, Roxanne clarifies her question by asking him if he personally believes in premarital sex. He hems and haws, saying something about believing that it happens. How Roxanne could remain turned on through all this unappealing waffling is a mystery for the ages. Maybe RevBong's wearing one of those pheromone colognes?
Now Lucy's trying to convince Annie to join her on a walk. She argues that Sundays "used to be about taking walks and spending time with loved ones." Okay, maybe, but what does that have to do with you wanting to stalk Roxanne? Sorry, I just don't see the connection. After Annie refuses to join her, Lucy leaves in a huff. Annie pulls out RevCam's manuscript, which she's been hiding under some laundry. So she's not really planning to do all the good deeds she told Lucy she'd be doing this afternoon. That makes her a liar, doesn't it? Still, it's hard to feel even an atom of sympathy for Lucy's need to have a companion on her fuckwitted stalking mission, so I think Annie can be forgiven.
Ruthie is trying to get Peter to help her with her homework. He gives her a self-righteous lecture, saying, "It wouldn't be fair to all of us who did the work ourselves." He's got a point, but the prissiness has got to go. Apparently, Ruthie thinks so too. She's looking pretty disgusted as she gets up to leave. It must be somewhat gratifying for her as a female when Peter follows and offers to help. Or at least it would be if he didn't have those doofy spiked bangs.
Down in the living room, the T-1000 tries to plant his cyborg lips on Lucy's pursed-up, prudish mouth. She stage-whispers that she doesn't want him kissing her in front of others. That's quite a switch from all the legendary living-room-couch make-out sessions. RevCam's fine with the PDA, though. He says, "Physical attraction is an important part of relationships." Kevin explains to Lucy that it's a line from Eric's novel. When Lucy wants to read it, T-1000 tells her she's too young. Aw, isn't it cute how he's so protective of her? Or is it that he's creepily possessive? I can never remember. Well, as long as he's dreamy-looking, who cares! At least he's got the brains to refuse to go a-stalkin' with Lucy. She leaves in a huff, and RevCam starts expounding on his "women and their wacky, wacky moods" theory again. It's a little hard to hear him, though, since his head is so far up his ass.
Down on the Promenade, Cecilia and Simon are staring at the front of a drugstore. It's obviously time to buy the condoms. They decide that Simon will go in alone. He enters the store and stops in front of a big display of Pond's cold cream. He stares intently at it until the pharmacist walks over and starts talking to him. This guy is obviously a long-lost Camden, because he first interrogates Simon about his family and then gossips about RevCam writing a novel. When he finally gets around to asking what Simon wants, the boy can only stand there mumbling incoherently. The pharmacist decides that Simon is trying to figure out how best to compliment the window display, which he claims to have designed himself. I have to rewind the tape to the beginning of the scene to get a better view. What confronts me may be the single funniest intentional joke ever seen on this show. I don't have a real clear view, but the window display seems to consist of a wheelchair surrounded by an arch of bedpans hanging from the ceiling. I fast-forward back to where I was, and I get to hear the pharmacist complimenting himself effusively on his perceived artistic talents. By the time he gets around to saying, "Wait 'til you see what I do for President's Day," I'm practically rolling on the floor. This reminds me of the elaborate displays you see in the window of a coffin store in my neighborhood. Quite frankly, I don't know why they bother. It's not exactly going to draw people in. A casket really isn't something you'd buy on impulse just because you were walking by and happened to be impressed with the window display.
While the pharmacist is bragging away, Cecilia walks in. She heads for the Pond's display and grabs a box from underneath it. It has to be condoms. She grabbed them so quickly, though, that I don't know if she had time to look for the "Mr. Junior" extra-small size. Avoiding eye contact with Simon, she calmly makes her purchase and leaves. Looking totally relieved, Simon summons up enough self-possession to buy a pack of Juicy Fruit. Hmm -- "Fruit." Is that supposed to be some kind of shout-out? I can't imagine anyone I know using that word, but it sounds like something Brenda might say. The would-be fornicators leave to share their happy news with Cecilia's parents.
Also on the Promenade are Chanandler and Roxanne, walking around and holding hands. They're both just a little too excited about the hand-holding thing. Chanandler decides to kiss Roxanne. He pretends that he's doing something incredibly saucy, but quite frankly, nobody's fooled. There are people watching, though -- a trio of girls from the church who looked bummed out to see RevBong kissing someone other than themselves.
Lucy has foregone the Promenade in favor of the church, which is empty. She walks up to the pulpit and starts thumbing through the Bible. She looks like she's about to cry. I hope she's reflecting on what an incredible dumb-ass she is.
It takes Kevin an entire commercial break to find and stalk Lucy down at the church, where he risks certain boredom by asking her to talk to him. She complies. The first thing she says is, "I don't think I've liked myself much since I met Roxanne." Yeah, yeah. Doesn't she do this every episode? She feels bad for being such a psycho hose beast, and promises she'll try harder to be normal. But then the week, when the writers can't come up with any decent plots, they resort to making her all pinched-up and obsessive again. Really, this shit wore thin ages ago. Oh, and now Lucy is envious of Chanandler as well, since she thinks she should be the one up in the pulpit of this particular church. Hey, Lucy? Yeah, you, dumb-fuck. Don't you think you should, at the very, very least, complete college before expecting to become a minister? That's like me being jealous of my lawyer friends when I haven't even taken the LSATs, let alone gone to law school. Lucy's just getting going on all the ugly mouth-pursing when Roxanne and RevBong walk in.
Annie's still reading her husband's smutty manuscript when the author himself walks in. He says that everyone else in the household is occupied, and hints that he wants sex. I guess he's counting on his erotically thrilling novel making her extra-horny.
Simon and Cecilia are sitting across from her father in what is presumably chez Cecilia. It's obvious the young lovers have shared their news, since Cecilia's father is working his way through a series of dorky facial expressions that rival some of Catherine Hicks's "best" work. Just before he explodes, Cecilia tells Simon to "run."
Also about to explode is Ruthie's volcano project, which she and Peter have been building in her room. Unfortunately, the two escape before they can be killed by it. The CamRents hear the explosion and start investigating. Annie checks in on the twins and seems happy that it is not they who exploded. I guess she's also happy they haven't drowned, since they're having an unsupervised bath right now. Well, unless you want to count the supervision of Happy, who's in the bath with them. I just hope Happy doesn't relieve herself in the tub. Heh heh.
Simon comes into the CamPound and rushes off to his room. He's soon followed by Cecilia's father, who does manage to keep his anger in check long enough to ring the doorbell. Before answering the door, Ruthie asks, "Who is it?" Cecilia's father bellows, "It's Cecilia's father!" When Ruthie opens the door, he says, "I'm Cecilia's father." Yeah, dude, I think we got that part. He adds that he's "here to see Simon." With no Simon in sight, he has to content himself with asking RevCam, "Did you know that your son is planning on having sex with my daughter in the near future?"
At the church, RevBong is trying to tell Lucy and Kevin that he is in love with Roxanne, but Lucy won't believe him. She starts to say something nasty about Roxanne, but Kevin stops her. Chanandler's pretty pissed, though, and he tells Lucy that she will have to give the Sunday night sermon herself. After he leaves, Lucy freaks out. It must be hard to think up a sermon when you have a negative IQ, so she has my sympathy. Just kidding. You already know I'll probably never feel sympathetic toward her again.
Simon and Cecilia are in the CamPound living room with the CamRents and Cecilia's father. I guess the show budget didn't stretch to finding someone to play Cecilia's mother. Cecilia's father says he doesn't want Simon going anywhere near his daughter anymore. Much boring conversation results from this, with no one really agreeing on anything. RevCam seems reasonable, though, and that's a pretty refreshing change. Lucy comes in and asks, "Anyone got any ideas for a sermon?" I suppose this is meant to be comic relief. It's a shame they left out the "comic" part.
Annie is trying to convince a reluctant RevCam to attend the Sunday night service. Come on, Eric. You know Lucy's going to make a fool of herself. Don't you at least want to hear that? It's bound to cheer you up. Despite all of Annie's impassioned pleading, RevCam still refuses to go. Wow, you'd think he'd agree just to get Annie to shut up.
Ruthie is moping around her bedroom. I'll bet she's depressed to be a Camden. I mean, seriously -- wouldn't you be? Annoying Peter comes in, all dressed for church. Ruthie is pissed at him for wrecking her volcano. Or something. I can't be arsed to care. Peter claims that this experience has taught them both a valuable lesson: "That Sundays are for church!" God, Loserboy, that is one of the most presumptuous, butt-headed statements I've ever heard, and I'm sure that two-thirds of the world's people -- who are not Christian, by the way -- would be more than pleased to give you the ass-kicking you so richly deserve.
Lucky us -- we get to witness Lucy's first-ever sermon. And it's about as self-righteous and crappy as you'd expect it to be. After talking about how Sunday has traditionally been a day of resting and reflection, she meanders off on some weird tangent about children having the summers off from school. Then there's something else about people being too busy to spend their Sundays the way she thinks they should spend their Sundays. Honestly, I suspect Lucy wasn't able to think of anything, so she went to some doddering old senile lady who keeps a house full of cats and paid her to write this dreck. Case in point: "We're on the go seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year, and yet we wonder why children grow up so fast, why people need drugs to relax, why they need human contact, even if it's in the form of inappropriate, unfulfilling sex." Hey, I know I've had what you would probably call "inappropriate" sex, and I really resent your assumption that it was not fulfilling. What do you know anything about sex anyway? And if anyone around you is taking drugs to relax, it's probably because you're so damn irritating. Give us all a break and shut the hell up. ["Also...'on the go'?" -- Sars]
It turns out RevCam has come to hear the sermon after all. Sorry you wasted your time, Eric! He's listening from the back of the church. When all the sermonizing is done, RevCam says, "Okay, you got me on my knees." Is he thinking of ideas for his smutty novel? Darling, is that really appropriate in church? Oh, but what do I know anyway? I just spent most of my Sunday making fun of Lucy.