Tuneful guitars jingle-jangle-jingle. Lights up on the CamPound. Eric bolts through the kitchen and dashes up the back stairs. Annie, with two golden blond Borg attached to her hands, follows more slowly. She says to her robot brood that she thought she heard Daddy. Didn't SamVid also hear Daddy? Where could Daddy be? You know, that is a really fucked-up question to pose at 8 PM on a Monday night, right before Thanksgiving. There have to be people sitting at home struck right now, just wondering: Where's my daddy? Why did he leave me? Oh, damn you, 7th Heaven! Damn you for opening up this river of pain inside me! I'm just saying. SamVid, who are hulking youths with the language skills of Big Ten fifth-year second-stringers, pose a theory: Perhaps Daddy is hiding? One Borg says, "Hide and seek. Hide and seek." It sounds like, "One of us, one of us." Annie makes it clear that they can play later; right now, the thing is to find their daddy. Another important Camden lesson in how Your Needs Don't Matter Much, Kids. Or, It's About Everyone Else But You, So Deal With It On Your Own Time, Okay? Moving like a bartender facing a pack of snapping, non-tipping patrons at an open bar, Annie and the twins snail towards the stairs. Quick like a bunny, Eric pops in through the other kitchen door and says he was looking for Annie. Annie says she was looking for him. Is anyone else getting that the writers were really, really light on content and plot this week and thought of some "cute," "fun" timewasters to bulk up the episode, like when you put a lot of milk and water in your beaten eggs while making omelets? Well, those omelets taste like crap. As does this episode thus far. Upon seeing their sperm donor (I'm guessing), SamVid say yay, it's their turn, and command that the tall ones in the room count to twenty before coming to look for them. They shamble off, dressed in identical Osh Kosh overalls, going to hide. I bet right now that seeking is not something CamRents like to do.
With the twins out of their hair (finally!), Eric and Annie lean in for a little chat. Guess what, says Eric. Good news! Annie asks if the good news is that Eric will be back at church. Oh, hell no. It's "good news!" Annie is all, when was working at the church "bad news"? Eric supposes that the day it went bad was the day that The Powers That Be (possibly the Lord) decided Eric couldn't do the job on his own and hired an associate pastor. "Yes, it was the day they hired Chandler." Um, but you had BYPASS SURGERY. The church can't shut down because you were ill. Oh, what am I saying. If a Camden gets a hangnail, the whole fucking world should mourn. A twin pops his head back in the kitchen and notes that his parents "aren't counting!" No, they're ignoring you. Just like the rest of the time. Aren't you used to it yet? Eric turns his head partially and counts until the kid disappears. Wow, is that magic? Am I watching Buffy? Can I learn to do that the time I have to take a plane somewhere? Once freed of their youngest child, part the first, Eric says he has a job. He got a job. Ooh, is it hustling down by the docks? For a whooole nickel? Or sending out spam emails about where to find the WORLD'S BIGGEST C-O-C-K-S? That's a good job, isn't it? Isn't it? Sadly, no. He'll be a DJ at KRHL 109.9. Annie parrots, "KRHL 109.9," as if her husband were speaking Ebonics. It's the college radio station. He'll be playing music! "No worries. No life-and-death situations." They were so desperate that they hired him on the spot, and he starts today! So say a little prayer for him? Cool. This sounds a little too much like Ally McBeal -- you know, how they always were hired last minute and the trial was TOMORROW. As if. He dashes off, and Annie stands in the kitchen, still as a statue, still ignoring her youngest children as they wait for her to "find" them. Keep waiting, kids.
Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...Seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you gooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!
Upstairs, Eric obsessively tries on shirts, looking for the one in the dullest shade of gray. You know, he's finding the shirt that reads best on radio. The shirt with the most vibrational qualities. Or maybe the least. I'm sure he was hired, then got all excited and dashed home to find his lucky shirt, then realized that nothing lucky ever happened to him and just decided to try them all on. Annie comes upstairs, looking stormy. Eric, an idiot, turns to her and asks her what she thinks. She says that's "a loaded question if [she] ever heard one." What a bizarre thing to say; is it such a loaded question because she rarely thinks? Or because she too often shares her thoughts on matters when her input may not be required? Either way, she lets him have it. A month ago, her husband was a minister. Now, he's a DJ. She speaks the line we saw all week on the ads, that she "married a minister, not a DJ!" It's called flexibility, Annie. Learn some. Try by first unclenching your buttocks. Annie pleads, "Give me my husband back!" Eric says he meant what did she think about the shirt. She says the shirt is fine, but she's "not so sure about the man who's wearing it." I'll give you a hint: he's an idiot.
Deep inside the most unfinished of rooms, a uniformed Kevin grills Lucy. Lucy casually applies blush (gilding the ugliest lily still won't help) and says "no," because she "doesn't feel like it." "It" being hanging out in the pool hall with Roxanne and her pals. Jesus, Kevin, get some other friends. Kevin is infuriated that Lucy doesn't want to hang out with Roxanne, and still doesn't know why Lucy doesn't want to spend more time with his hot partner. Lucy says she doesn't want to explain herself for the millionth time, and splits to go to the library. Wow, is Lucy growing a spine? An eeny weenie ittle bittle spiney-winey? Aww, it's so cute!
Lucy stomps downstairs and is intercepted by Annie, who wants a word. Kevin brushes by the two women brusquely. Annie is all, what's the problem? I'd say Kevin is the problem. He's imposing, unreasonable, inflexible, and a jerk. And a bit of a fascist. And run over by the ugly car, which then backed up and ran over him again, rendering him pug-fugly beyond repair. Pull the plug on the T-1000, Lucy. You're ugly as well, but that doesn't mean you can't find love again. Is there a school for the blind nearby? Maybe start hanging out there. Be sure to find the blind man who is also impervious to your personality. Lucy says the problem is and always has been Roxanne. Lucy asks, "outside of Charlie's Angels," has her mom ever seen such a hot lady cop? Why couldn't Kevin be partnered with an overweight lady with bad skin? Because beauty is only skin deep. And the Camdens, while generally svelte, are shallow dish city. Annie says she doesn't know, and did Lucy help her dad get a job at the college radio station? Yes, she did! And it'll all work out to a good end, she swears. Lucy thinks this job will "help him get back in the spirit of things, so to speak." What? The so-called spirit? Anyway, Lucy has to go. But oh, how's Robbie? Down with his mother in Florida, Annie reports. She's "better now that he's with her." What? Robbie's mom? Lucy squinches up her wizened face and asks when he'll be coming back. Sometime after Christmas, says Annie. And his teachers let him take his finals early. What an undignified way to be written off the show. It's not even a C-plot. It's not even filler. It's just so bare and hollow and false. So very SevHev.
Kitchen. Ruthie sprays way too much Pledge on the table and lightly wipes it. Rub, woman. Put your bony back into it. Use some scrawny elbow grease. Annie pops in and asks Ruthie to watch the boys, as she has to run some errands. And ooh, it's her first day off restriction. Any plans? Ruthie says, "Baby-sitting." Annie says, "Jake?" Annie? Quit pimping out your twelve-year-old daughter. Get her a hobby that isn't domestic chores or boy-centric. Jake, apparently, "called every day" while Ruthie was on restriction. Didn't it sink into that little boy-slut's head that Ruthie wasn't allowed to use the phone? What a dumbass. That's not all Jake did, says Ruthie. When he wasn't calling, he was "following [Ruthie] around at school, getting [their] lunches switched so [they] could sit together, carrying [her] backpack. Once he even offered to carry [her] gum. [Her] gum!" I used to work at a rock club here in Philly, and I saw Juliana Hatfield offer her ABC gum to the crowd. Someone took it. That is gross. Ruthie concludes by saying that she never wants to see Jake again. Annie cocks her head and says nothing. Creepy.
College radio never looked so bland. Usher walks with Eric and shows him, well, hardly anything. They walk and talk as Usher explains that Eric will be taking calls. Eric looks unhappy with the idea of "taking requests." Wow, he's even a selfish DJ. Usher says it's not requests; it's talk radio. "Didn't Lucy tell [Eric]?" You know, people calling in, talking about their problems. Never mind the fact that there are millions of kinds of call-in shows -- sports, entertainment, sex. Eric has to get the incredibly vague catch-all of "problems." Eric looks positively sneery at the idea, and says it's "too close to [his] old job." What a dick! And I love how Lucy gets all the credit for this job in absentia. Do we ever see these kids in class or DOING anything besides flapping their gums and being unsatisfied? Usher is all, "Um, look, I'm in a jam. Please. The holidays are coming up. Lots of kids want to just talk about what to do over their break. It won't be anything as serious or heavy as what you were dealing with." He also says that if Eric doesn't like it, he can plan a show that's "less talk, more music." Ah, yet another incredibly vague and generic term: Music. What the hell would Eric play? Boz Scaggs? Raffi? Wank on his guitar? Eric very reluctantly agrees, and Usher says he'll "set" Eric "up." Eric is all, "Interesting choice of words." Okay, dick, you're fired.
Ben is unpacking. Happy sits motionless on the bed, and Simon, head in his hands (perhaps weighted down by his enormous eyebrows), listens to Ben's Sad Sad Story: his woman in Buffalo (or was it a lady buffalo?) cut him loose, and even him mom has hotter and sexier Thanksgiving plans than he. Ben says his "love life is pathetic!" Simon says, "Yeah." Ben does a double take at that. Well, isn't it? Simon suggests that Ben accompany him and Cecilia to Club Minor, a club for men like Simon between the ages of fourteen and twenty, i.e. an underage dance club with no booze, just like the name implies. Otherwise known as Pedophile Heaven, or Snoozeville. Ben makes a rank face as if Happy just cut one, and says since he's twenty-three, he'll "pass." Simon browbeats him. And that's quite a heavy beating, if you get my meaning. His eyebrows make the Gallagher brothers' brows look slim. Simon says that "plenty of older girls hang out there desperate to meet guys." Ben is intrigued with the idea of "desperate," but still declines. Oh, and where would a "good-looking guy" like Ben meet a woman? Yeah, ask Simon. He'd know. Not. Simon suggests the Promenade. What about the pool hall? At least there you can get foofy drinks. Simon also wishes Ben luck. Ben says that luck is not a factor. Simon says, "Luck is a huge factor." I'd also say alcohol would be a huge factor. Did I already mention the foofy drinks at Eddie's? Get there and start buying.
Down at the very bustling cop station, Roxanne and Kevin have a very odd, creepy fight about their evening plans. Lucy won't be hanging out, but Kevin is more than willing to play pool and suck face some more, probably. Roxanne gets all bent out of shape. Why is Lucy always "sick" when she asks to do something? Why doesn't Lucy like her? Well, didn't you try to kiss Kevin, and then actually get a kiss when Kevin was trying to piss Lucy off? Ahem. Roxanne pours herself a cup of coffee, takes a very circular walk through the office, makes a funny turn, and heads to her boss's desk. Remember "that thing" she talked about before? Well, she wants "to do it" now. Is this a metaphor? Oh, she means getting a new partner. Cool.
Usher and Eric are all set up and doing the show. Usher is all, Warren's on the line. Warren asks where the hell Eric came from, as he sounds "too old to be a college student." Eric says that "for the last twenty years" he was a minister at a church, and therefore equipped to help. He left his job. Warren, nobody's fool, is all, you got fired, huh? Corporate downsizing, bad. "Companies have to remember that old guys aren't old and useless, they're usually somebody's dad and stuff." Which is why he called; he's worried about his dad. Eric insists that he wasn't fired, that he quit. Warren asks who replaced him, an older or younger "dude." Younger. "You were downsized, dude." Usher bites his fist (not a Twix cookie bar) to hold back laughter. Eric is all, let's see who else is on the line! Usher says Carl is on the line. Eric remembers Carl, who called in earlier, upset that his girlfriend broke up with him. How's that going? Well, not so good. Carl, who has the same stilted manner of speaking that Chandler...Hampton has, says he's sad and depressed and he just wanted to call to say...he's going to...commit suicide. Eric is all, what was that? He'd be "better off dead," Carl says. No reason to live. Here comes death. Wine is fine, but liquor's quicker. Suicide is the only way out. Click! Usher grabs the phone in his booth and is all, "C-C-Carl?" Then he turns to Eric and shakes his head "no," just like we saw in the ads all week. Eric fondles his headphones, then slumps. Not heavy, eh, Usher?
The detective who took Roxanne's new partner request sits on the phone and tells Eric there's "nothing more they can do," other than put a trace on the radio's phone line. The number Carl left with Usher was a fake. And I guess *69 doesn't work. Or the radio station doesn't have caller ID or anything modern like that. Eric hangs up, and Usher comes in with a sad face. He hopes Carl calls back so that Eric can draw him out and talk to him. Eric, center of the universe, asks if it was more than a coincidence that Eric started today. Oh, of course not. Carl's longing for death is merely just a ploy to get Eric back to his flock, basically. Usher nods and shrugs, then sits down and finally says that Carl has been calling all week, with each call "getting more intense." So he talked to Lucy and decided Eric would be the right person to help. And though he "didn't mean to hire [Eric] under false pretenses," he's really glad Eric is there. Eric laughs and shrugs and says it's all right. "Ha ha," suicide!
CamPound. Candyland is spread out all over the kitchen table. It's the most silent, un-fun game ever. A SamVid makes a move, and Lucy explodes and says she won't play anymore since it "cheat[s]." A SamVid swears it doesn't cheat. The other SamVid says yes, he cheats. Drink! Lucy is out of there, and Ruthie goes to the fridge and serves the Borg ice-cream cones. Then Jake knocks on the door. We get three rounds of "what are you doing here?" Jake is all, today's the day! The day of your non-restricted freedom. Jake says he wishes he "could have done the time for" Ruthie. Now we can hang out as much as we want! And he can stay for dinner tonight too! Ruthie is all, ha ha, that's great! But she's lying. She doesn't want to hang out with Jake at all. For some reason, she can't just SAY it to him. Which is sick and wrong, and totally SevHev.
KRHL, 109.9! Carl calls back. Eric is all, "Are you okay?" Carl says, "Doo, doo doo." He can't hear himself; he wants to be on the radio! Put him on or he'll hang up! He has something to say to someone who's listening! Eric gives in and goes back on the air. Which isn't smart, but this is SevHev. Carl wants to out the person that did this to him. His ex. Then "everyone will know that Emily...Cooper...broke [his] heart and is a terrible person." Click. C-Carl? Usher gets on the mic and says, "We lost him again."
Cop Station. Kevin, furious, rushes up to Roxanne's desk and says he's not changing partners. Roxanne says it isn't his decision. Kevin, who's so angry it's scary, says Lucy is "a little bit insane" but she'll "come around." Roxanne insists that it just isn't working. Good gawd. The problem is Kevin! I'm going to get that stitched on a pillow. He's a stubborn, controlling asshole who's inconsiderate to the needs of everyone around him. No woman is allowed to be happy in his presence. Roxanne is "just plain tired" of waiting for Lucy to come around, so she can have Kevin all to herself. "It's for the best." Kevin says the most horrible thing ever: "This isn't what [he] wants, so how can it be for the best?" That is so sick. It's called the greater good, ever heard of it? I can't believe how bad this show has gotten in just the four weeks I've been recapping it. It makes me want to...well, I don't want to say kill or die, because then I'll probably have a Camden on my back offering to "help," and thus furthering their own pyscho agenda. Roxanne says she will "never win," so they should just "split up now."
Ben stalks the Promenade, alone, alone. He runs into Simon and Cecilia. Cecilia is all, "Didn't [Simon] say you just got dumped and are lonely and desperate?" Come on out to Club Minor! Ben says that if it's a sea of teens in braces, he'll look like an ass. Simon is all, "Small price to pay for a babe!" ["Also, 'too late!'" -- Sars] Ben folds faster than a house of cards: he's in. What an idiot.
Usher and Eric carry the responsibility of being a college talk show DJ as if it were an anvil. Actually...oh, never mind. They still can't trace Carl. "This is getting pretty scary," says Usher. That is so meta. They sit sadly by the console. Hello? The show? A teary, quivery lady rushes into the booth. She's Emily. The girl that hurt Carl. You know, Carl, "the guy that wants to kill himself? We gotta stop him!" If you say so, lady.
CamPound. Lucy prances up into The Most Unfinished Of Rooms and tells Kevin she missed him at dinner. Kevin angrily laces his shoes, then says bitterly that he's going to meet Roxanne at the pool hall. Lucy is all, I said you should go. And why is he so angry? Because Roxanne wants a new partner, and it's "all because of [Lucy]." Oh, if only Lucy just did everything Kevin wanted. Then she'd be perfect! And perfectly ugly. Lucy can't hide how pleased she is at the news. Kevin is so scary when he's angry. Lucy says that she tried to like Roxanne, that she "tries to like everybody," but sometimes you just can't. Oh, word. Fire me for agreeing with Lucy, please. ["Done." -- Sars] Lucy says she "hate[s] that a woman that good-looking is riding around in a car with [Kevin] all day. It makes [Lucy] insane!" Kevin says, so you don't trust Roxanne. Duh! And, she's right! Roxanne totally tried to get Kevin to kiss her, and he DID kiss her to piss Lucy off. Kevin makes a ludicrous argument that he and Roxanne are good together and he's not going to lose her -- Lucy, on the other hand, is hanging by a thread. He's out of there. Lucy? Kick his ass to the curb. Kevin sucks.
Club Minor. It's a sea of dance music, red lights, and, well, minors. Ben, Simon, and Cecilia wait in line with short, brace-faced teenage girls. Simon insists that the hot older women are all inside. "Settle down!" Cecilia parrots the phrase. Dude, what's with all the filler? Simon passes Ben a fake ID, proclaiming him to be fifteen and black. Perhaps the son of Dr. Hibbert? Ben expresses his dismay and his intentions to leave, AGAIN, but then a hot older woman walks by and Ben decides to stay. Oh, this can't be good.
CamPound Kitchen. Ruthie leads the Borg in, sees Jake, and does the opposite of kvell. Jake says that his mom said he can stay as late as he wants. I think Jake's mom hates him. I know I do. Jake takes the Borg into the other room, and Ruthie asks Annie if she can "move to a foreign country" to avoid Jake's love. Annie suggests letting him down gently, since it isn't fair to him to let him think he's liked back. Jake comes back in the kitchen and says Candyland is ready to go. Ruthie says she doesn't like Jake, and she doesn't want to have lunch with him, or for him to carry her books or even spend any time with her. Annie hisses that she said "gently!" Jake is unflapped. "That's cool." Ruthie is surprised. Jake says he needs a ride home, and Lucy volunteers. Ruthie walks him down the hall and "thanks" him for "not crying." Jake says that they're "twelve. It's not like we're getting married." So, will Kevin cry when Lucy dumps his ass? I hope so.
Lucy tells her mom she's heading down to the pool hall to hang with her robot fiancé and his hot cop partner. Not because she wants to, but because she has to. "Sometimes love sucks!" Sigh. And did Annie listen to Eric on the air? No, Annie is "not supporting" Eric's new career. Bitch.
Promenade. Eric, Usher, and Heartbreak Girl split up to look for Carl the suicide king. A suicidal guy will be hanging out on the promenade? Whatever.
Club Minor is pulsing with action. Oh, ew. The bass is bumping. Boom boom boom boom. It sounds just like a tacky person's car stereo. Simon pops and locks his way right into Cecilia's heart. My lunch pops its way on out of my stomach. Ben stands alongside the dance floor, looking like a big old tree. Cut him open and count the rings! It'll be fun. Some brace-faced girls stare at him and giggle. Ben shakes his head. Dude? Leave. Cecilia slumps over, shoulders rounded, and says girls are staring at him because he reminds them "of their parents." Ben, sounding exactly like Duff Man, says, "Simon is SO dead." He could have added an "OH yeah!" Cecilia says uncaringly that maybe all the hot older women come to the club on Wednesdays. She then "dances" her way over to Simon. She looks like a slumpy orangutan. Not. Good. A young gal approaches Ben and asks him to dance. He say he's older than he looks. She says he looks "really old" and that she's "okay with that." Hee. He says no, and she shouts, "Tease!" Sing it, sister. Don't put the product on display if it isn't priced to move. Ben wanders off, and the hot older woman we saw walking into the club walks up to him. She's been watching him, and she has to know something. How old is Ben? And how did he get in there? Ben smiles and says that a friend hooked him up with a fake ID. She smiles and says that she got in because she owns this club. Ben smiles and says that he's in a lot of trouble, isn't he. He is. Boom boom boom.
Usher finds Carl, sitting alone on a bench. Carl doesn't really want to talk, so Usher tells him a story about getting dumped by his girl right before their anniversary. He says he "got it bad, man." This is a reference to Usher's hit song, "You Got It Bad." Lame! And probably required in his contract. "If I'm not performing, I want to at least MENTION one of my songs." Anyway, Usher was in a bad way until one of his friends suggested he talk to a counselor at school. This is the Very Special Moment, kids. The lesson is, Talk To A Counselor. Ding ding ding! Emily and Eric approach and ask that Carl get help too. Carl is all, what do you care. Emily says that just because she doesn't want to date or marry Carl doesn't mean she doesn't give a shit. It might seem that way, but she says it doesn't. Carl, who acts as if he's watched a lot of Christian Slater videos and takes all his acting cues from those '80s relics, says he feels bad all the time. Eric steps up and asks Carl just get through this day, and maybe all he needs is help? Oh, you magnificent bastard! It's true! All the suicidal kid needs is...help! Eric, of course, speaks slowly and with lots of "uhs," indicating that he realizes all HE needed was a little help to get through the difficult post-bypass time in his life. What a great way to tie it all in! Carl looks at Emily and asks how she could do this to him. She says she doesn't want to be dragged down with him, and his inability to love himself made her want to leave. Eric says he can take Carl somewhere where he can get help for the rest of his life. Carl is all, "You mean church. I thought you said you quit." Eric says he needs "a little help walking back in the door." Usher actually says, "Amen!" Yeah, lean on the guy that wants to kill himself. Carl recalls a "little place by the beach" that might be nice to get help. Emily thinks that's a great idea. The piano and guitar play optimistically.
Beach place, I guess. Carl tells Usher he has no family, just a "sister who lives in Denver with her fourth husband." And thanks for making up that story. Usher laughs. Carl asks if he hired the Rev because he knew Carl was spiraling. Usher says sort of. Mainly he wanted to help RevEric "come to his senses. Sorry!" He and Carl have a nice laugh about that. Oh, ha ha, Eric's problems were more important than yours, suicidal guy! The head of the rehab comes out of his office with Eric and suggests that they grab some coffee and start talking. Carl says he guesses that sounds better than killing himself. No one laughs. Probably because even for gallows humor, it wasn't funny. What would have been funny would have been a comment like, "Have you had our coffee? You might reconsider!"
Pool hall. Roxanne sinks a shot, and she and Kevin hug. Just then, Lucy walks in. She asks to speak to Roxanne alone; she wants Roxanne "to stay [sic] Kevin's partner." And she's sorry she hasn't been more friendly towards Roxanne. Roxanne smirks and laughs. Lucy says she knows they aren't "going to shake hands and be friends overnight," but maybe they can try and someday...oh, barf. Roxanne says she'll stay as Kevin's partner, but "if things don't get better..." She's threatening Lucy? With what? God, I hate this show. Kevin comes up and says he loves Lucy. Isn't she going to say it back? She says she would only do this for a man she loves. Now let's play pool! Ugh.
Simon yells at Ben. He ruined everything! He got busted with a fake ID and got Simon's "doorman friend" fired! Yes, it's all Ben's fault. Kick him out of the house, Simon. Simon says he really thought there'd be girls Ben's age at the club. Ben says going out with Simon was like "hitting rock bottom, then digging down lower." Now, he's ready to "get out there and start dating again!" In a few months, he can look back at getting busted at the underage club and laugh and laugh. Or look back at the underage club, remember the girl who asked him to dance, and wonder if he'll ever see her again.
Annie and Ruthie have a little talk about boys. Annie says Eric didn't like her, and now they're married. Does that mean Ruthie could marry Jake one day? Oh yes, definitely.
Kitchen. Eric walks in, weary from all the helping and being helped. Annie asks if it felt good to be helping people again. Eric sighs heavily and says he feels like he's in The Godfather: Each time he tries to get out, they pull him back in. Oy. Hoo-ah! Annie speechifies: Helping people is Eric's calling. Eric is a minister, not a DJ or a cook or a farmer or a computer technician. A minister. "Go back to the church." Eric says he'll think about it. Annie says she'll "take it." Where, in the ass?