Inside the CamPound, Eric walks around aimlessly upstairs, hears voices below ("You're wrong." "No, you're wrong!"), and heads downstairs to check things out. Because hearing strange voices in his house isn't cause for alarm; it only means it's time to get your preach on. If you don't know who's arguing in your living room, don't call 911. Call the Naggin' Wagon! Eric isn't just a client. He's also the president. Naggin' Wagon Industries, when you just want to bludgeon people with your turgid platitudes!
Eric tiptoes downstairs, one hand over his heart (hint: he just had bypass surgery, and this gesture is a subtle reminder that he's still on the mend. Plus, anvils are heavy. And, I hate this stupid show). Downstairs, a rabbi and a little Muslim girl walk into a bar...I mean, "are arguing." Have you ever heard this one? A man is walking though a Belfast alleyway, late at night. Someone sneaks up behind him, holds a knife to his throat, and asks, "Are ye Catholic, or are ye Protestant?" The man sweats as he wonders how to answer. Finally he blurts out, "I'm Jewish!" The man holding the knife chuckles and says, "Aye, I've got to be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight!" It's good if you do it with an Irish accent. Get it -- because the Arabs hate the Jews, "ha" "ha"! Oh, it's funny because it's true. But if all the conflict of late makes you nervous about such jokes, substitute Turks and Greeks, or Yankees and Southerners. It's all about the accent when you tell the joke, see. But all this conflict doesn't scare Barry Watson. He's all, conflict? HA! Bring it on. He can take the scariest of real-life issues and water them down 'til they're weaker than a kitten. He can pablum it up with infants until they crawl away, bored with the topic. Yes, Barry Watson -- genius of the mundane. Anyway, the rabbi, played by Richard Lewis (I love him on Curb Your Enthusiasm, hate him on this slop) and the little Muslim girl face off and go at it. He says his "team" has "more spirit, yes [they] do." They have more spirit, how about you? The little girl screams, WE'VE GOT SPIRIT, YES WE DO! No, but I'd love it if they went back and forth like this for a while. Then, a round of "tastes great!" "Less filling!" Of course, "tastes great" wins. The Rabbi's team has "more heart" and they "play to win." The Muslim girl says her team "actually wins, a lot. Face it, most of the time, we are the champions." My friend. They'll keep on fighting. To the end. Which may be soon! Just kidding. Not really. Rabbi Lewis is all, "We may have once been the lovable losers, but now we are formidable foes." I know who the suckiest sucks that ever sucked are. They start with a number seven, and the second part rhymes with...well, you know. And he doesn't want to talk history with a little girl, so he offers to skip over "1969 and 1986."
RevCam walks up behind this non-blistering "debate," hand still over his heart in the most unsubtle of gestures, and does not say what everyone is thinking, which is: Who the hell are you people and what are you doing in my house? Do you have business here? No? Then there's the door. Use it. Eric says, dully, as if in pain, "Stop!" The little Muslim girl asks, "Who's the better team? The Yankees or the Mets?" Rabbi Lewis: "Mets!" Little girl: "Yankees!" Me: "Tastes great!" Eric says stupidly, "That's what you were arguing about? Baseball?" No, the Yankees and the Mets are secret code for Jews and Muslims. Fooled you. Eric can't weigh in on such an important topic, says he "has to go now," and wanders away. In his living room, the debate rages on. Rabbi Lewis says that even the Mets' bobble-head dolls beat the Yankees. You know, this debate sucks. I have to say I hate the Mets (I live in Philadelphia; they'll kill me if I say otherwise), and I hate rooting for a winning team like the Yankees; I hate the Lakers for the same reason. I'll have to follow Eric's route and slink out so Sars, baseball freak of all time, doesn't wear out her lungs on me.
Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! When I see their happy faces, smilin' back at me...seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you gooo! When the world don't treat you right? The answer is hoooome! Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!
Eric stares, puzzled, at Rabbi Lewis, who washes fruit in the kitchen sink. Eric is probably wondering, "Doesn't he have a wife to wash fruit for him?" Or, "Wow, look at that Jew wash his fruit. Yes, the Jews: they love clean fruit, all right. That, and their women don't like to have sex that much. Plus, they run the entertainment industry and control all the money. Did you know that HBO stands for Hebrew Box Office? Well, it does. Oh, shit, the Jew is talking. I'd better pretend to listen." Rabbi Lewis apologizes for not coming over earlier to check in on Eric. It's just that he was so busy what with subbing over at the church and checking in on his own "flock." Then he goes on a little riff on what a cool word "flock" is. "Fff-loc-K." Rabbi Lewis looks totally Amish, by the way, in his blue shirt and black vest. Hey, Rabbi Lewis, where's your horse and buggy? Got any weed? Get thyself back to Curb Your Enthusiasm, and go and suck no more. He says that Eric looks good, as good as a guy that only had a single bypass. Ha ha, not. So, will he have to sub this Sunday? No -- "the church hired a replacement." Eric grits his teeth at the thought. Rabbi Lewis says if he wasn't doing a good enough job as a Rabbi holding church services, he wishes that someone would have told him. Ooh, I'll do it. Richard? Mr. Lewis? This is terrible. And not just you! The whole thing is really, really bad. Please end it now. End the suffering. Eric says Rabbi Lewis was replaced as his replacement because he was replaced. "Only they call it 'helping.'" I had no idea religion was this political. Actually, yes I did. What I really didn't know that the politics of religion could be this dull. Like, wow, RevEric feels usurped. I bet every time that happens, the Pope orders another set of pointy hats. And the Pope is hip-high in hats, if you get my meaning.
Rabbi Lewis feels incredibly guilty that RevEric has been replaced. Or, he "can't get over the feeling that this has everything to do with [him]." How many characters on this show feel that they are the center of the universe? Rabbi Lewis clutches himself and doubles over, berating himself for letting the congregation out ten minutes early, just so they could be first in line at the new restaurant down the street. He should have been sure all of them "were drenched in the blood of the lamb." Which is, again, exactly? Rabbi Lewis isn't quite sure, and the imagery also makes him sick. RevEric says, "It's Jesus." Rabbi Lewis says, "Oh, I'm sorry." Heh. Sorry about the whole Jesus-being-crucified thing? Sure you are. Actually, Christians should thank the Jews for that. What drama! What great imagery! I mean, that was the whole high point of the Bible! It's not like The Odyssey, with sirens and testicle-eating dogs and giant hydras -- you know, something to look forward to in every chapter. The Odyssey beats the Bible cold for creative acts of violence. Then Eric ruins the whole thing by saying that the blood of the lamb is "a metaphor, and has nothing to do with" Rabbi Lewis. "Not that Jesus has nothing to do with you," since everyone knows Jesus was black -- I mean, "Jewish" -- but the associate pastor thing has nothing to do with Rabbi Lewis. Rabbi Lewis still can't believe it. RevEric is all, you should meet this guy. Or maybe not. Maybe we should go and spy on him. Spy on the new associate pastor? I can't think of anything more stupid. Well, the idea that Eric and Rabbi Lewis are like Starsky and Hutch is pretty stupid. Rabbi Lewis says the idea gives him heartburn. That, and he doesn't want to drive, since the person that drives is always the person that gets arrested. Okay, that's the stupidest thing.
Lucy ambushes Simon in the upstairs hallway. Ooh, Simon's going on a ride-along with the two dullest cops in the universe, Roxanne and Kevin! She's completely manic about the idea. Simon knows Lucy wants something, and she does -- she wants him to spy on Kevin and Roxanne. Like, is Roxanne seeing anyone? Was she ever engaged? Who does she want to date? Is she hot for Kevin? Do they have hot cop sex in their cop car, with its cop shocks, cop brakes, and cop carburetors? Do they laugh at Lucy's ignorance when they're doing it with each other? And most importantly, does Roxanne like board games? Because the woman that likes board games is not a woman Lucy wants her man to be around. Or maybe the opposite is true. It's really hard to tell.
Ugly Ruthie and the little Muslim girl are hanging out and talking. The Muslim girl is all, maybe you have problems because you're too young to have a boyfriend. Ruthie says she really wants a boyfriend, and besides, it makes her feel grown up. What a foolish, ugly little girl. Ruthie asks if Muslim Girl wants a b.f., and that maybe her l'il man has a friend. Muslim Girl breaks her neck saying "no" a million times, and says she's too young to date. Seriously. We should be teaching girls not to give a shit about what boys think. Ruthie lives in a house with the assembled idiots Robbie, Simon, Kevin (in the garage), and those cyborg Sam and Dave, and she's still fascinated by boys? Scary. How many ugly robots will it take until the Camden women realize MEN AIN'T WORTH IT? Ruthie is all, "What about a Muslim guy?" Even that prospect doesn't get the Muslim Girl's veil all in a bunch. She can wait 'til she's older, she says for the millionth time, and when that day comes, there's plenty of social functions where she can meet a guy that she has stuff in common with, a guy that knows her parents, and by then she'll know about herself and what she wants in a husband. Even if all this didn't sound like propaganda from the "Women, Wait!" pamphlet series, the way the Muslim Girl reads her lines is as robotic as, well, any other actor on this show. Except for the head scarf, she fits right in. Welcome to the jungle, little Muslim girl. We got fun and games. Ruthie says she doesn't date to find a husband, but to just sleep around -- I mean, "have a boyfriend." She likes the variety pack of donuts. The multi-pack of cereal. She's an American. Low in nutritional value and short in attention span. I'd say fat, too, but Ruthie's collar bones are sticking out like knives. Nothing fat about her. Except maybe in the mouth area.
Since they can't go make out with boys, Ruthie suggests they do makeovers, or maybe play with their hair. Can Little Muslim Girl wear makeup, and take off that hijab? Little Muslim Girl gets so freaking righteous on Ruthie that I wonder why she even came over to the CamPound. She says it isn't that she's not allowed to wear make-up (which she isn't), but that she "likes [her] face. Hello? [She's] twelve." And she'll leave the head scarf on, thank you. Her "beauty is [her] privacy," and she wants to save that for her husband. Hey, I don't see any husband. Hell-oooo, you're twelve. As she speaks, she shimmies her shoulders like Charo. Ruthie says she hopes she didn't offend Little Muslim Girl. Of course not. See you in hell! Muslim Girl says they're just getting to know each other. What a joyless, senseless, useless process. What, will she move in after the getting-to-know-you is over? Run, little Muslim Girl. Run as fast as your little legs can take you. Not that I saw your legs under your long skirt! I'm just making an assumption! The phone rings -- it's Jake, Ruthie's b.f. He wants to come over. LMG says she can go home. Ruthie shoots her b.f. down and says they're too "busy" for a visit from a boy. LMG is all, it's okay! I can go! Ruthie says, "Sorry. Busy. Bye." Yasmin the Muslim girl is all, damn. Trapped. Trapped with the idiot Christian robots. Mmm, maybe I can have some white bread while I'm here. White bread with...what's that stuff? Mayonnaise. The twins, pushed by the invisible hand of G-d, wander in and introduce themselves. When they walk in, they have cans of Play-Doh in each hand; then we get a reaction shot of the girls on the bed; then we cut back, and the scary robot boys are -- ugh -- holding hands. The shorter one with the straighter hair is Sam; the bigger, curly-haired one is David. Drink! Ruthie is all, WE KNOW.
Rabbi Lewis and RevEric discuss their spying plan. Rabbi Lewis says it isn't a plan, but rather "a caper, hijinks, an escapade!" You forgot "stupid." Annie walks in, and her Trouble Radar goes off. Instead of turning into a snarling hydra, shredding newspapers and tearing at her bad husband's flesh, she just asks what escapade they're talking about. Rabbi Lewis is all, "Escalade!" Like the Cadillac. Right. Oh, and Rabbi Lewis is taking him out for a drive. They decide that Ruthie, a twelve-year-old, can watch the twins on her own. Oh, the responsibility! Won't she die? Annie is all, "You two aren't up to something, are you?" Of course they are. Hijinks. A caper. She says that Eric is recovering from "heart surgery," really punching the words in case you miss the gravity of the situation. She's out the door to her PTA meeting, leaving Rabbi Lewis to marvel at her "veiled threat" and say that his wife usually tells him what she "won't do to him," if you get his meaning. I won't tell the many jokes in my brain filed under "Jewish women, sex not liking." You may have heard a few. You know -- how can you tell if a Jewish woman is having an orgasm? During intercourse, she drops her nail file. Eric says Annie's revenge is limited since he just had heart surgery, leaving the unspoken "one can't fuck right after a bypass" dangling. Note to self: Never have a bypass. Or a baby. Rabbi Lewis calls himself "silly rabbi" and knocks his forehead in the "I should have had a V-8" gesture.
Robbie comes home and is intercepted by Annie. "Threaten Eric! His health depends on it." That, and watch the girls watch the twins. No one needs to watch those robots posing as children. They're fully self-cleaning. Robbie mutters that he "knows what [Eric] depends on." Depends, the adult diapers?
Robbie enters the kitchen, saying he can't threaten the Rabbi or Eric, or watch the girls watch the twins, because he has "something." What, another audition? Godspeed. He goes off, and Rabbi Eric says that "this is a very hostile home! No wonder [Eric] has heart problems!" No wonder I want to barf.
Roxanne and Kevin wait outside the house, because Simon is coming on a drive-along, and they have nothing better to do than to pick him up and ferry him around like a kitten dressed up as baby in a buggy. Kevin prompts Roxanne to say she likes to play board games with her boyfriend, since that will convince Lucy that Roxanne is a family person who's going to be married soon. That is so fucking crazy. Substitute any other hobby, like "does the New York Times crossword puzzle," or "goes to bars," for board games and you'll see it's a wack theory. Roxanne says it would be a lie, since she doesn't have a b.f. Kevin agrees: "It'd be a lie that serves [him]." I hate the fucking politics on this show. Why not just say, "Lucy, you're a stupid bitch who's lucky anyone pretends to love you at all. Put up with the fact that I have a female partner, and shut up." Roxanne asks if she can say she loves to play board games with Kevin every night. Kevin says that lie would be "less fun." Less fun for Lucy, maybe. Which would serve her right. Roxanne sees Lucy and Simon lumbering toward them and calls out, "Hey Loose, got any fun games we can borrow in case we get stuck in the car for hours with nothing to do?" She wouldn't want Simon to get bored, and "Kevin hates board games." Lucy's face gets all squinty and flinty and she asks Kevin, "Since when does [he] hate board games?" He says he doesn't; he just hates playing them with anyone but Lucy. Then his pants burst into flame. They kiss each other sickeningly, and Lucy's off like a prom dress. Simon tells "Cagney and Lacey" to "move this cruiser." Yes, move it to the dress shop; Kevin has a run in his Leggs pantyhose.
Eric enters Ruthie's room, where she and the twins and Yasmin are all playing together. The hell? What about the makeovers and the boys and all the talk of Islam? Now it's a Play-Doh party? Dullsville. Eric asks if she can watch the twin Borg by herself. She says snottily that "it isn't the first time [she's] been alone with Sam and David." And they've just stopped crying from that other time. Eric says she's "always been very responsible." She has? I still can't get over last week when she tried to browbeat her overworked SuperMom into baking a freaking cake. The twins say creepily, in unison, like good little Stepford children, "Weee're fiiiine." Eric is so outta there.
Out in the hall, Eric and Robbie bump into each other. They each ask the other where they're going. They each say, "Oh, nowhere." Heh. Oh, the stupid sneakiness. It's so boring.
Church. In the hallway, Eric and Rabbi Lewis peer around a corner, exaggeratedly tiptoe past a wall hanging, and generally make a big old show of being sneaky. Oh, my head. Barry Watson keeps hitting me over my head. They stealthily enter the Rev's office, consider the coast clear, then -- kaboom, Chandler...Hampton walks into the frame. He was standing right by the bookshelf, hidden sneakily away from the eyes of the audience, and obviously the Rev and the Rabbi couldn't have just, oh, looked to their right. Chandler...Hampton was looking for a Strunk and White because "obviously there aren't enough years in school to cover the difference between 'further' and 'farther.'" Well, in my school, the School of Hard Knocks, "further" is how much you have to go to get to the Tasti-Freeze, and "farther" is who you ask to get the money for a cone. Any more questions, you idiot? Chandler...Hampton thanks Rabbi Lewis for his sermon last week. "So few Protestants get to hear about kosher law." So few Protestants even know about kosher salt. They just look at all the boxes of baked goods that come out at the grocer's each Passover and go, "Apple cake...interesting. Oh, look, Jews eat brownies? Wow! And potato pancakes? Interesting!" Then they buy a few more loaves of white bread and stock up on mayo and they're out of there. Eric asks how RevLite's sermon is going. RevLite's face squinches all up, pinched like a loaf. He's been having trouble, but he didn't want to ask Eric for help because he "wanted [him] to enjoy his time off." Eric doesn't want to relax, you idiot! He wants to get all worked up about his job as pastor! Eric sees the opportunity to psyche out RevLite and seizes it: "They allllways remember the first sermon. Come Sunday...it's judgment day." Rabbi Lewis is all, and that's one tough FLOCK! Okay, is the "flock" thing a shout-out? They're sure hitting it enough. So, would they read Chandler...Hampton's sermon? Sure they would! He dashes off to get it.
Eric and the Rabbi bicker a bit. "Kosher law?" The Rabbi says he "could fit everything [he] knows about Mary Magdalene on the head of the Pope's hat pin." But don't get him wrong, "she's fab!" Yes, Mary Magdalene: One smoking babe. She was down with the blood of the lamb, i.e. Jesus! The Rabbi worries that Eric blames him for hiring an associate pastor. Didn't we already sing this song? Eric reminds him that they're here to spy on the new guy, not bicker. "United we stand, divided we fall!" Ah, more propaganda. The Rabbi says he's just "along for the ride." Eric reminds him that he drove. The Rabbi gets even more bent out of shape. Oy.
Chandler...Hampton is back. His sermon is on the evils of money. Just a little thing he wrote for the New York Times op-ed section that he's re-working. The two boobs look at him like, Noo York Ti-yums? The noos-paper? Hoo-doggie, that's for city folk!
Cop car. Parked on the side of a green, wholesome-looking street. Kevin returns to the car, having written a ticket. Roxanne says she's "bored...ready for some action." Simon cocks an enormous eyebrow at her. Yes, threeway in the squad car. That'll happen. Roxanne continues; see, when she broke up with her boyfriend, "whenever it's quiet like this," she thinks about how much she wants a boyfriend. What? I hate everyone on this show. And she broke up with her last stupid boyfriend because he was jealous of Kevin, even though Kevin is supposedly going to get married to Lucy. "He said that when a guy is getting married is most likely when he'll put himself to the test." There's a test? Oh, fidelity. Kevin asks snippily if "Stanley" ever knew that she went out with Robbie. Roxanne says she just wanted to "have a little fun." What? You mean that time they went to church, off-screen? Who ever has any fun on this show? Simon is all, if you're just telling me this so I'll tell Lucy...Roxanne says sharply that she ASSYUMES anything said in the squad car stays in the squad car. That may be true if someone farted in the squad car. That would stay in the squad car. But anything else I'd consider "out there" and therefore possible to leave the squad car. Are there any other rules on what can and cannot happen in the squad car? I'd really like to know. Kevin says to Roxanne, you're starting to scare me. "Starting"?
Yasmin watches as Ruthie powders her ugly face to a dull sheen. She says, shimmying her shoulders a bit, that she's "impressed." She's never seen any twelve-year-old with such make-upping prowess. Well, Ruthie is really, really ugly. She'd better practice now. Yasmin asks if "all that make-up" has "paid off." Ruthie says, "Have you seen Kevin?" Yes. Am I supposed to believe Kevin is hot? You can beat me over the head with a giant tube of lipstick and smother me in powder, but I'll never buy that. The twins, playing robotically by the foot of the bed, ask for a snack. Ruthie tells them to hold on for a minute, then asks Yasmin if she should apply "sparkly stuff." It's Lucy's, but it "goes with all the other stuff [she's] used." The twins wheedlingly ask for a snack again. Yasmin, eager to assume her non-sexual gender role, offers to get the twins a snack. The Borg unit like this idea. "Yasmin will get us a snack." Do not resist us. Serve us. Ruthie drops her head so her chin is on her chest and tells them through closed teeth that she's almost. Done. Yasmin, in a huge hurry to escape the hell that is the CamPound, says she can wait for her mom outside. Ruthie says that's cool, and when she walks Yasmin down, she can fix the twins something to eat. Yes, because feeding young children should only be done when it's convenient. Yasmin asks why she's wearing those ugly high-heeled leather clogs, and what will happen when her dad comes home and sees her with a face full of make-up. Ruthie says she'll just say she's playing dress-up (an admitted half-truth), and if it makes the crazy Muslim feel better, she'll wash her face after the twins are fed. Yasmin says that would make her feel better. Ruthie, in an incredible display of insensitivity, says she doesn't think Yasmin understands Ruthie and "her culture" any better than she understands Yasmin and her culture. Yasmin, wiser than any other child alive, headscarf or no, says she "understand[s] that there isn't a culture where children are allowed to do whatever they want." She doesn't want Ruthie to get in trouble, see? Ruthis says evilly that Yasmin "worries too much." Shut up, Ruthie. They collect the twins and go downstairs.
There's a knock on the door. Ruthie tells Yasmin to ask who it is before answering it. Yasmin is all, why am I opening the door? Ruthie says because she has a face full of make-up on. It's Jake, the little boy that just called and was informed that Ruthie was "too busy" for him to come over. Jake, I suspect, has a listening problem. Or maybe Señor Watson thinks the viewers have the attention span of a gnat. The girls open the door, and Jake is all, "Wow! You look like you're eighteen or something!" Ruthie says thank you. Yasmin says she has to go, but she wants to recommend Jake leaving too, and Ruthie washing her face as promised, but "then [she'll] sound like the Muslim prude." Yasmin splits without saying goodbye. Ruthie tells Jake to go, too, since she's alone and has to watch the boys. Jake says his sister dropped him off and "should be back in half an hour." What an imposition! He says he wants to make their relationship "exclusive." Ruthie says she's "not really seeing other guys." Jake explains that the girl that called Ruthie "Monkey Lover" asked him to go to a party with her, and he has no good reason to say no -- unless Ruthie and he "aren't seeing other people." Or, perhaps, if Jake grows a "spine" and learns the words "no" and "thank you." What, his testicles dropped but his backbone didn't come in yet?
The piano plays the woeful, whimsical tune of hijinks. Sitting in a car in the church parking lot, Eric and Rabbi Lewis sit and read RevLite's sermon. Is two men turning a page at the same time supposed to be funny? Barry Watson thinks so. The sermon is pronounced "not bad." But maybe RevLite can't speak in public! Maybe that's his "Achilles heel"! Eric is all, let's go see what he's got.
It seems that Chandler...Hampton has taken oratory lessons from William Shatner. He rushes through most of a phrase, and slowly punches the remaining words in the sentence. Eric and Rabbi Lewis listen dully. "Throughoutthislittleepistle, hecallsforsuchthings as...prayer...study...and attentiveness to the needy." Rabbi Lewis has his head cocked to one side, his tongue slightly protruding. He looks like me. Wow, I'm actually being literally preached to! I hate it. Eric nods his head, rapt. The kid is good, I guess. He makes me want to run, which is how I've felt any other time I was in church. So, he's churchy, all right. He must have the joy, joy, joy, joy down in his heart. Where? Down in his heart, to-dayy! RevLite continues his right pretty speechifying about the love of money being evil, not money itself, and Eric turns to Rabbi Lewis, who says, "On top of everything else, the kid has a nice head of hair. So can you drive me to the hospital?" He really looks ill. So do I.
Kevin and Roxanne pull over another speeder. Roxanne sighs and rolls her eyes. She's bored. Like me. Kevin explains that people use this road as a "shortcut," and writing tickets will "send a message." Actually, a parked cop car sends a better message to more people. So why don't you three park and play Monopoly or something? Inside a zippy red sports car is a toothy brunette in a faux-hide jacket that looks like one of the skinnier and more tasteless American Idol contestants should be wearing it. Oh, who am I kidding -- any of those tools would wear that tacky Pocahontas nightmare. The girl is all, "Kevin Kincaide?" Kevin is all, "Mindy Kincaide?" They laugh, and she leaps out of her car and hugs the shit out of him. They kiss, he squeezes her, and she squeals. So, they're cousins, right? Sexy cousins? Inside the squad car, Roxanne and Simon watch with interest. Barf, is that you? Oh my god, I haven't seen you in so long! Wow, you haven't changed at all!
Rabbi Lewis and Eric have a little dance about who's driving the rabbi to the hospital. The rabbi drives, since Eric isn't supposed to, even though the rabbi seems far worse off than Eric. Whatever.
Back at the squad car, Kevin tells Simon and Roxanne that he isn't going to tell either of them what just happened or who the toothy lady was. Fine. Fine!
Hospital. Rabbi Lewis is on a gurney, looking unwell. Eric rolls his eyes unsympathetically. The doctor comes in and says everything is "pretty good, but..." Rabbi Lewis says, "'PrettygoodBUUUT? PrettygoodBUUUUT?' You don't say 'pretty good BUUUT'!" It sounds like he's saying, "Ahomosayswhat?" The doctor wants to keep the rabbi overnight for tests. The rabbi milks it. I bet ten minutes ago you thought I was just being neurotic -- why did I let my daughter talk me into speaking inside of a church! Why did I drive you to the church! I had to succumb to peer pressure! Eric says he's had a heart attack, and this is not a heart attack. Shut up, Eric.
CamPound. The twins sit on the kitchen floor, surrounded by pudding cups, thermoses of milk, Happy the motionless dog, and a few bags of artificially bashed-up cookies and chips. Off in the living room, "Hello, It's Me" plays. Wouldn't it be great if this was a horror flick and the twins, after gorging, coldly and systematically murdered everyone in the house as the saccharine, innocuous love song played on in the background? Hey, a girl can dream. Annie comes in, sees the scene, and is. Not. Pleased. Her robot twins aren't programmed to make messes! They're programmed to speak in unison, enter and exit rooms simultaneously, and sing "Jesus Loves Me." SamVid announce, "We made a sss-NACK. We made it." And where's Ruthie? "She's daaaaancing." Annie goes to check it out.
"Hello, It's Me" continues. Jake and Ruthie do what I call the Frankenstein dance. You know, arms straight out, stiffly. Shuffling back and forth from one foot to the other. "Uhhnn!"s are optional. Bolts on neck also optional. Annie freaks out on them, and they quickly pull apart. Ruthie says the dance "seals the deal on their exclusivity agreement." Jake says he'll be going now.
The phone rings inside RevEric's office. RevLite pauses, then answers it. Hello? Wouldn't it be great if "Hello, It's Me" started up, and we heard the muffled screams of the dying from inside the CamPound? Then, the tapping of an axe and the whispers of the twins swearing that Chandler is ? Just a thought. It's Eric, calling from the hospital, imitating a woman's voice. He quizzes Chandler, but Chandler can tell it's Eric. He says he can do whatever anyone wants him to do, except go back where he came from. That Chandler is creepy. Eric needs a ride home from the hospital.
Eric and Chandler wearily walk up to the CamPound together. They run through a few lies. Can Chandler tell Annie he called and asked Eric come to the church and hear his sermon? Chandler is all, why wouldn't I go to you? Why can't you just say the rabbi had a heart attack? Because the rabbi doesn't want his own wife to know what happened, and Annie is supposed to think they had a relaxing day in the park. Eric is all, don't judge me. Well, then don't act like an idiot. The front door opens, and Annie starts up the Naggin' Wagon. Where have you been? Oy. Chandler is all, gotta go. Annie thanks him for his help. Eric is quick to point out that he was no help, and that he doesn't want or need any help from Chandler, and he shouldn't think that they had a bonding experience. Oh, and Rabbi Lewis is in the hospital, but he told his wife that he's sleeping over at the CamPound. Why the lie? Because Eric "owes him." And why is that? Because they were at the church, not spying, but "checking up" on Chandler. Annie asks, "Who are you?"
Simon and Kevin walk up. Simon says cryptically, "There's a reason why Lucy gets told stuff last. She's...crazy." And ugly. Don't forget ugly. Kevin sees Eric and tells him to "try this on for size." That sounds dirty.
Ruthie and Yasmin are on the phone. Yasmin says she's sorry for leaving, and that she should have insisted that Jake leave when she did. Ruthie says it's okay, and that she was "put on restriction for two weeks." It's her "first official restriction." She says she feels like a grown-up. Yasmin sighs and congratulates her, wordlessly adding, "This wouldn't have happened if you didn't worship such a stupid God." Ben asks me, "Is this little Muslim girl a recurring character, or is the CamPound supposed to be some kind of interfaith flophouse where all the other religions come over and realize that Christianity is best?" The only person who steps into the CamPound and realizes that Christianity is good would be retarded. Have there been any "retards are good" theme episodes? You know, like all those times the Special Olympics came to Baywatch? There were a lot of midgets on Baywatch, too. This show should take more cues from Baywatch. Ruthie gets off the phone and goes and tells her mom she called Yasmin. Didn't you just pop a tiny girl boner over the fact that your phone privileges were taken away? Annie says she "can tell by [Ruthie's] attitude that [she] can't tell that [her] actions have consequences." I can tell that Ruthie comes from good, solid bitch stock.
Ruthie says goodnight to the twins, who don't say anything in return. Their tummies ache. Ruthie says that must be her fault. The twins say, "Yes, no, it's HIS fault." Oh, creepy. It takes three shots for the lines. Ruthie says she'll sleep with them in case they need anything. Wouldn't it be great if they both barfed on her in the middle of the night?
Eric barges into Robbie's room and asks why he went to see Chandler today. Maybe Robbie wants to live with him now. Maybe Robbie isn't Eric's son and it's none of his damn business who he has a conversation with. Maybe Robbie has a life of his own. Ha ha ha! Robbie says he told Chandler to "pack up and leave town." Eric is thrilled. The guitar plays a happy tune.
Lucy comes home, wearing her ugly lilac sweater coat, and smiles at Kevin, waiting for her on the porch. Ben goes, "God she's ugly! She already looks like an old woman!" They kiss, which sickens me, and then Kevin tells her something is wrong. Well, that he's been with someone else before. Well, married. His high school girl friend thought she was pregnant, so they got married ("a small, family, church wedding"), but she wasn't pregnant, so six months later they got divorced. Was this in the olden days before pregnancy tests? Or, you know, before sense? Kevin tells a stunned Lucy that even though he can't get married in the Catholic church again, it shouldn't be a problem for her weak-ass strain of Protestantism, or whatever brand of Jesus-lover she's supposed to be. Why didn't he tell her? Because he was afraid she wouldn't love him, or that this would be a deal-breaker. And why tell her now? Because he pulled the ex-wife over today. Lucy is mad that Roxanne and Simon saw her. "Is she pretty?" High school girlfriends are always pretty. Way, way prettier than Camden girls. Lucy rushes inside to find out from Simon just how pretty this high school girlfriend is, then rushes back out to ask Kevin to "keep this between" them, "for now." Kevin says dully that he already told her dad. Lucy storms back inside, sweater coat flapping behind her. I hate sweater coats.