CamHouse. A guitar plucks tunefully, reminding us that all is right under God. Or, you know, just really, really vanilla. RevCam lies on the bed, snuggling with the dog, channel-surfing in slothdom. Remember -- porn is only a sin if you get caught, or pay too much. SuperMom comes in, high-wattage smile blasting. She asks if he's "bored." No, he's watching TV. How could anyone possibly be bored while watching TV? He dully explains the intricacies of a soap opera to her. Oh, wow. Now I get it. Super Mom says she has "something better." Something better than television? I doubt that. Oh, right -- I forgot. She calls for Sam and David, and wouldn't it be cool if Sammy Hagar and David Lee Roth burst into the room in spandex pants and tequila and stuff? The twins shamble in as if pushed by an invisible stage mom (possibly the Lord) and begin to sing a doped-up version of "Jesus Loves Me." Yeah. Did you know that Creed makes Jesus cry? It's true. RevCam listens to this with about as much pleasure as I, which if I have to spell it out for you, goes like "K-I-L-L M-E." The twins, like two soggy Nilla wafers, wind down their number, one banging his wrists together for "emphasis," the other looking around like he's a frustrated accountant at a Bennigan's happy hour and he ordered jalapeno poppers like twenty minutes ago, and where the fuck is that waitress with his Mike's Hard Lemonade, already? RevCam is all, that's great, kids, but he's "a little angry with Jesus right now," so could they go find their mother and sing the song to her? Because the twins are so special, they pretend to not understand and lurch into song again, swinging their bodies like Frankenstein. RevCam looks to the sky and does a pretty good imitation of someone silently cursing someone out. Yes, Jesus loves me.
Credits. Seeeaa-venth heaven! Where can you gooo! When the world don't treat you right? Mmmm! Seeeaa-venth heaven! Woof!
Hold up -- special guest star Phyllis Diller? Okay, this might be good. Is it worth mentioning that, while I've seen the show, I never thought I'd ever guest-recap it? That, and I really hate it? I hate 7th Heaven because of the plodding pace and the super-overt morality. I live by the golden rule (look it up if you don't know) and don't like dogma. Plus every time I watched the show (except for the very great weed episode with the crazy musical joint that passed through everyone's possession, even the dog) there was a moment that made me insane. Like, "Honey, if you wear that half-shirt to the concert, everyone will think you're a slut and boys will rape you." I'm only paraphrasing a little. So yeah, big props to Cate and Sars, who offered to help me fill in the gaps if I'm not up on all the details. Remember, if this recap sucks, cc your hate mail to Sars.
CamHouse. Eric goes through the refrigerator studiously, sniffing every aluminum-foil-wrapped plate and peeling back every saran-wrapped casserole dish to inspect the contents. SuperMom is all, hey Eric! He ignores her. So she comes up right behind him and BOO! He jumps a mile, then pulls the earplugs out of his ears and says, "Don't DO that!" She gets this look on her puss like she's been so wronged and says she didn't MEAN to scare him. And why isn't he resting? He can't rest with all that horrible singing going on. "One more chorus of 'Jesus Loves Me' and [Eric] will stop caring." Me first. Really, I stopped caring first. She says she wanted to do something nice for him. He says a slice of Boston cream pie, a hot pot roast sandwich, and a day where he doesn't feel like he's going to crawl out of his skin would be nice. Hee, he said "pot." He absconds to his office, with Super Mom trailing behind him nervously. What is he going to do in his office? If she doesn't shut up, he's going to "lift weights and jump rope." The twins start singing again. He and I say simultaneously, "Make it stop."
Main Street, Anytown, a.k.a. the Promenade. Two ugly people, a guy and a girl, talk outside a movie theater. The girl says this guy is "unbelievable. He's gorgeous, and he's sexy." And he's clearly not present, because these are some of the ugliest people I've seen on television since The Facts of Life was on the air. Oh, right. One of them is a Camden. The girl says she really wants Ugly Guy to "meet Marc, since [they're] best friends, and [she] doesn't always make the best decisions when it comes to guys." Ug says, "So he's a football player, huh." They call it soccer here -- football there. He's French, and OOH, so hot. Ugly Guy is all, how would you describe me to him. She already did! Cute and sweet and smart. This isn't good enough for Uggo. It should be. A dark-haired handsome man comes up and says, "Cecilia." She jumps off the bench and they suck face. She introduces Marc to Simon, and Marc says, "Cecilia tells me you are a very nice boy." Simon doesn't like the sound of that at all.
We're still on Main Street. Promenading, I guess. Two unattractive girls come out of a bookstore -- Lucy and Ruthie. The uglier one, Lucy, is all, "What's wrong with a book?" Twelve-year-old boys don't like books, says Ruthie. Lucy says, "What ever happened to making birthday presents." Oh, I don't know, the Industrial Revolution? Sorry to bust your groove, Willa Cather. Why don't I go out and mulch a tree and make some paper to write you an apology note. Hold on, I have to go crush some berries to make ink. All right, Laura Ingalls? Even your Pa had a violin -- did he make that from scratch? Was his name Father Pa Ingalls Stradivarius Camden? Then shut up. Lucy sees two cops across the street and makes a big show about hiding from them so she can see "what they're really up to." Then she runs and drags Ruthie with her to hide behind a pole. The cops, Roxanne and Kevin, are standing in front of a jewelry store, and are completely aware of the scrambling antics of the girls behind them. Roxanne is all, oh, I'd never buy an engagement ring for myself. And diamonds are "too common." But that pearl ring over in the estate jewelry section is nice.
Ugly Lucy is all, "I can't believe he's letting Roxanne pick out my ring!" I can't believe what an ungrateful bitch you are. Ruthie says it looks like two on-duty cops are looking in a store window together. "If they were looking at ice cream, would you think they're buying ice cream for you?" Heh. Ugly Lucy is all, "You don't see the difference between diamonds and ice cream?" Ruthie says, "And you don't see the difference in that he loves you and works with her?" Oh, snap! I like this little ugly girl. ["I regret to inform you that you are fired." -- Sars] So they decide to hang around and spy on the cops until their shift ends or they get a birthday gift, whichever comes first.
Jewelry store. Kevin asks Roxanne what the two ugly girls are doing now. They're running across the street to spy some more. Won't they come in, he wonders? No, says Roxanne. Lucy is "not confrontational." And prone to misunderstandings. And wacky hijinks. Kind of like Scooby-Doo. Except that Scooby is cuter. Roxanne guesses Lucy'll hang around until their shift ends. Which, since there is no crime or actual police business on the promenade, will be funny. Or insane and paranoid. Kevin asks if Roxanne can try on the ring she liked, then turns to her and says, "Can you see why I'm crazy about her?" Roxanne's face wordlessly says "no." Mine too.
Simon skulks around the Promenade. He comes across Lucy and Ruthie squatting in front of the jewelry store and is all, WTF? Lucy is mad at Kevin because he's letting Roxanne pick out her ring. Roxanne is getting married? No. Lucy is making stupid assumptions and spying on her fiancé because she's ungrateful and nasty. Kevin has proposed? No. "He needs a ring to propose."
From across the street, Lou sees the kids squatting and points them out to the new, younger model of Reverend -- none of the Camden you hate, with all of the Lord you have to love. There's another Cam kid, who married a rabbi's daughter and lives in Florida, or something. Rev Lite is all, wow, five kids. No, actually, it's seven. There's the nightmare twins, and then someone's boyfriend lives with them, too. New Father is all, what's the mother like? Ohh. Lou has an opinion on this: "Everybody loooves Annie!" The way he says it, though? Makes it sound like he really means the opposite.
Cecilia and Frenchie come up on the scene. She introduces Lucy and Ruthie to Marc, who squats down on the sidewalk with them. As is the American custom. They all duck-walk away from the scene, with Old Guy and Rev Lite watching. Lou says the Camden kids are "basically great kids." Except they're all nuts. "Let's just say that being in the spotlight has isolated them in the spotlight." Rev Lite looks horrified, aghast, shocked, and that he's throwing up in his mouth a little. I know that look. I see it in the mirror.
Robbie unloads the washing machine, and SuperMom is all, "The others are supposed to be helping out, too." There are others? What, she has other husbands? Other random boyfriends living in the house? Does she mean her gaggle of offspring? They're all at the Promenade, fucking off -- don't emasculate this guy any more by interfering his witless random chores! SuperMom is all, isn't it time to date again? The only one he wants is Roxanne, and that's a problem for Lucy. SuperMom is all, GO FOR IT. Live in her parents' house. A little bell rings -- it's RevCam. There's a shot of the twins laboriously folding towels, and SuperMom points a finger at them and says, "You stay with Robbie," and is off to tend to her hubby. The twins don't even look up. Hey, are the twins human? Seriously, it's hard to tell. Are they zombies? Write to me at alexrichmond@televisionwithoutpity.com and tell me.
RevCam, sprawled out on the couch, asks for his computer so he can do some writing. Annie is all, oh, sure, it's in the kitchen cabinet. Hidden. He's all, when did my computer get from the church over to here? Oh, she can't remember. Between feeding and washing the brood and shopping and laundry and popping out pups, she forgot. She didn't want him to work on his sermons and get all worked up. Hey, are the Camdens Baptist? Seriously, I don't know. The twins lumber up wordlessly, then start to sing. Jesus loves them. This they know. Hey, you know what? The twins are not human. Kids don't do that. They don't just run up and sing the same song over and over again. And they don't fold towels voluntarily. I'm freaked out now. ["I don't know about the towels thing, and I'm pretty sure the twins aren't of human origin, but I'm here to testify that they do the singing thing. The esteemed Mr. Stupidhead drove the rest of the family batshit crazy singing the theme song from Pinwheel over and over again for, like, a year. To this day we can't stand to hear it. You'd think after five other kids that RevCam would be immune to that by now, but I feel his pain intimately. Aaaaanyway." -- Sars] RevCam is all, please kill me, and Annie waggles her eyebrows and blinks a lot at him, then goes off to answer the doorbell.
Ding-dong. It's Phyllis Diller, alias "Gabrielle," at the door. In a maid's uniform, and smoking. She's been sent by the Colonel to help. With the faint strains of robots singing "Jesus Loves Me" in the background, Annie motions for Phyllis to come in.
Phyllis is chilling in the CamYard, smoking like it's an art form. Lucy and Ruthie come up and instantly disapprove. Okay -- why would La Diller do this show? She must have a new PR person -- she was also in the latest issue of Bust. So, Phyllis loves to work, has a keen sense of humor, and...I'm out. Why would she do SevHev? Could she have a relative (possibly differently abled) who's hooked on the show? Again, the email address is alexrichmond@televisionwithoutpity.com. Ruthie is all, you shouldn't be SMOKING, Miss Whoever You Are in our yard where nothing this shocking ever happens. Phyllis says smoking "keeps [her] awake." Well, what if she falls asleep with a "cancer stick" in her hand? Hopefully, says Phyllis, she'll be too drunk to notice and wake up already cremated, put into a "peanut butter jar," and tossed out to sea. She cackles and smokes some more. Oh, and do their parents "have any booze in the house?" Lucy grabs Ruthie and drags her away. Phyllis drags away on her smoke. I love Phyllis Diller.
Annie, having watched this scene from inside the house, implores RevCam to call the Colonel. He doesn't want to -- that's work, stressful work, and he's not supposed to do that. Tick tick boom, remember? Lucy and Ruthie come in and are all, there's a lady on our porch. Smoking! Annie gets into a snit. Did someone tell the Colonel she needed help? She doesn't need any help! She's FINE! She can do it ALL! All without help! Simon comes in and says, "There's a really cool lady on our porch." Annie tells the kids to go straighten up their rooms and then come back and set the table and then help her with dinner. Simon says he was hoping the lady on the porch was here to do all that. Annie opens her favorite book, A Million And One Faces Of Exasperation, and runs through a few of her favorites. The kids skedaddle. Annie and Eric fight: who needs help? Who's getting rid of this maid-type person? Eric doesn't want to do it -- it "seems like work [he's] not supposed to be doing. [He] just had open-heart surgery. [He's] not well." The fact that this show is so exposition-y is helpful and all, but Eric? Shut up.
He goes out to the yard, and Phyllis is fast asleep. He tosses up his hands and slumps on the porch steps. The guitar laughs at him for us. Well, it would if we were laughing.
The girls' room. Ruthie picks up an armful of clothes and dumps them on Lucy's bed. "Little help?" Lucy is flipping though a magazine, looking for a picture of a ring she might want, which she'll then rip out and give to Kevin. Ruthie is all, you're just going to tell him you saw him, after you made us all look like idiots? Basically, yes. That she saw him, and that's she a materialistic boob. The phone rings -- it's Kevin. Now, I can't really tell in this scene of Kevin is trying to drive Lucy insane or if he's just a simpleton. Maybe a little of both? Kevin says he's on duty at the Promenade, and if she wants to come down and get a slice of pizza with Roxanne and him, she could. What? Doesn't she want to come down to the Promenade? Oh, and could you tell Robbie to come down and have pizza at the Promenade? He called Roxanne and wanted to talk to her earlier. Lucy is steaming. Roxanne is all, "Why do you torture [Lucy]?" Because it's fun and easy. Why does he go out with her, is the question. Lucy takes the cordless phone and looks for Robbie in Simon's room. She and Simon have a mini-chat about people dating people they don't like. Simon doesn't want Cecilia to date Marc, because "French people are just too...French!", and Lucy doesn't like the idea of Robbie dating Roxanne. Hey, Ugly: If Roxanne were dating Robbie, maybe she wouldn't make you uncomfortable being around Kevin so much. Robbie walks in and offers to help wipe down the twins before dinner. The twins say that they're clean. Wow, they can speak. What, do they just sit in rooms, making no noise, until someone issues them a directive? Okay, the twins are Borg. Make no resistance. Robbie gets on the phone and says he'd LOVE to go out with Roxanne sometime. They make a date: tonight at eight. Great. Lucy asks why he has to date someone that annoys her. For fun, why else? And why does Roxanne annoy her, again? Because Kevin asked her to help pick out Lucy's engagement ring. Robbie is all, you're engaged? That's great! She isn't. And that's the point. Can't the laid-up RevCam make a Jump To Conclusions mat and explain how it works to his simple children? Lucy steams and steams.
Simon goes into the twins' room, where they're sitting quietly in little chairs, plotting the demise of the starship Enterprise. Simon calls Cecilia, hears her very annoying voicemail message (which says she's out with her new French boyfriend, au revoir!), and asks the twins if they like Cecilia. Yes. Resistance is futile. Simon decides that Cecilia is just playing a game with him, trying to make him jealous. And Marc? Probably not really French. Yeah, that's it.
Kevin and Roxanne stroll the Promenade. Again. Some more. They must be the happiest cops on earth. Never any trouble. Plenty of time to gab and window-shop. They see Cecilia and Marc, and Roxanne says she must be in love, since she looks at Marc the way Kevin looks at Roxanne. Yes, the look of love that's in one's eyes is often easily duplicated. But it's not all about looks -- I can tell if someone loves someone else if they laugh at their intended's stupid jokes. Now that's a test.
Cam House. Ruthie tries to find a dinner set-up chore that Annie hasn't already done, and done well. Ruthie asks what would be a good gift for her friend. Annie suggests that she make a cake with something he likes decorated on it. Like an erotic cake? Sorry, wrong show. Maybe a cake with the Lord on it? Or Jesus giving a big thumbs-up? Ruthie is all, "That's a great idea. So will [Annie] do it?" Well, then it won't be a gift from Ruthie. Ruthie is all, I don't know how to make a cake! Like it's surgery. I pause the tape on Ruthie talking, and my boyfriend Ben says Ruthie "looks like Christina Ricci when she was younger, but ugly. A pug-fugly Christina Ricci." He is so mean. Ruthie asks if "that old lady" could do it, and Annie could just decorate or it or something. Annie says she doesn't want to do something for Ruthie that Ruthie could easily do herself, if she "were willing to do the work involved." Wow, way to take all the fun out of baking a cake. Ruthie snarls, "All right, I'll just buy him something." Happy joyless obligatory birthday gift to you. What do these kids do besides school, church, and hang out on the Promenade? Lazy ingrates.
Backyard. The super-tan Eric is still waiting for Phyllis to wake up. Lou and Rev Lite wander up. Eric introduces himself so pompously that I barf. He's the Reverend, "when [his] heart permits." Wow, it works on more than one level! That's deep. Or not. Eric explains that the nearby snoozing Phyllis was sent by his dad without asking. Lou is all, heh, that's funny, because we hired this guy to be associate pastor without checking with you first. Isn't that a crazy coincidence! Rev Lite introduces himself, saying with gravity, "Chandler...Hampton." The ellipses are actually in the close captioning. Eric sets his jaw like a bulldog, and then Phyllis passes gas. Poot! Everyone looks at her smile contentedly, still asleep. The piano and guitar go. OFF. Now that's whimsical.
Rev Lite sits in the Camden living room, looking around nervously and drumming his fingers. Ruthie enters, calling, "Mom? Dad?" She goes up to Rev Lite and says if he's waiting for her dad, she'll get him after she finds him herself. Oh, and who is this strange man sitting in her living room? "Chandler...Hampton." Dude, pick up the pace. Just because you have a name like a furniture line crossed with a character on a famous sitcom doesn't mean you can't spit it out more quickly. Would you want people taking forever to say, "I'm Ross...Broyhill." Or "Joey....Ikea." Spit it out, Rev Lite. Ruthie finally gets that this guy in her living room was hired to replace her dad, and runs upstairs to tell her siblings and Robbie. They are incredulous. Why is this so hard to understand? Pastors have to tend to their flock. Eric is out of commission, so the church hired a sub. Control freak much?
Phyllis is awake, and cooking up a storm in the kitchen. She tastes the tomato-based whatever bubbling on the stove, flinches, then liberally doses it with spices. Then she adds a few whole red chilis, a heaping handful of bay leaves which she crushes in her hand, then a bunch of onion flakes. Then she dumps most of the bowl of onion flakes in the pot. Woo! Spicy.
Eric and Annie are in the basement. Annie is worried that Eric's heart is going to explode if he worries too much about the associate pastor deal. Lou is all, it's a small town! The new pastor came a day earlier than expected! I didn't want you to find out from somebody else! I tried to call but the phone was busy! Eric says, "SHUT UP, LOU." That is awesome. Annie gets hysterical in her attempt to calm her husband down. Annie? Chill.
Back in the kitchen, Phyllis Diller finds an open bottle of wine, removes the cork with her teeth, and adds about a full wine glass' worth of it to the tomato sauce. Mmmm. She looks at the reminder in the bottle, and after pouring the wine in her mouth, she gargles with it. So classy.
Annie says again, "Eric. Your heart!" His heart what? Shut up, woman. You're only making it worse. Eric says, "SHUT UP, ANNIE!" That rules! Annie whacks Lou and says sorry, then collapses on his chest in tears. Lou says it's okay, she's been under a lot of stress. Shut up, Lou.
We're back in the kitchen with Phyllis. Ben wants to know her deal. "Is she like the maid?" I say no, she just showed up on their doorstep. "How biblical," he says. "And do the kids have Creed posters on their walls? How long do you have to recap this for?" Even Jesus hates Creed. And I'm just a sub. Isn't it meta?
Eric enters the kitchen. Phyllis asks if he didn't just have heart surgery. Yeah. He did. She forces him to taste her sauce, which he does reluctantly and with a grimace. Once it goes down his gullet, though, he's in love. He calls it "the best spaghetti sauce [he's] ever had in [his] life." She fixes him up a plate, and he says something about waiting for the others. She insists that he can sit down with them and eat then, too. He digs in heartily. She asks if he'd like a glass of wine with that, and he says, mildly disapprovingly, that he "doubt[s] there's any wine in the house." Phyllis laughs and holds up a finger, then retreats to her bag and pulls out a bottle. He looks shocked, then a little glad. Phyllis just shrugs like, hey, I'm a major alkie! We've got to be resourceful!
Basement. Annie is still leaning on Lou, still weeping. Wow, did she forget about her family for a second? What a bad mother! Rev Lite comes down, sees the scene, then goes back upstairs. Why would he go down there? To butt in some more?
Up on the second floor, Simon, Robbie, and Ruthie hover, waiting to be summoned to dinner. Simon is the whiniest. Ruthie points out that if the twins aren't crying, he shouldn't be either. Robbie says that Annie fed the twins earlier. Rev Lite, always into intruding, wanders up. The kids introduce themselves (getting a "Chandler...Hampton" in return) and ask if Rev Lite is replacing their dad forever. "No! No no no no no no no." We also learn that Rev Lite is 23, is single, went to Koepel and graduated with "honors and a doctorate," and wants to learn as long as the church and deacons will let him. He also has a creepy, gravelly voice and speaks infuriatingly slowly. Roxanne busts in, hugs Robbie, then looks at Rev Lite with that Look Of Love she was talking about earlier and says she doesn't believe they've met. Rev Lite says, "Uhhh...uhhh."
Lucy is studying in Kevin's apartment. It's like Greg Brady's attic room, but far less groovy. Someone trade that space right up. Like someone said on the boards, it's called drywall. Get thee to a Home Depot, verily, and lo unto you will be done some minor construction. Kevin messes with Lucy for a bit, saying he needs her in his life because he can't do anything for himself -- and he also needs Roxanne and her mom. Roxanne is there for him during the day like Lucy's there for him at night. She saves his life -- literally. Lucy gets more and more bent out of shape, asking pointedly what aspects of his life he involves Roxanne in, and he cracks up and says he can't do this anymore. So he's dumping her? Great. He says he saw her peeping outside the jewelry store. She yells, you were SPYING on me? He asks her to admit that they were spying on each other. She refuses, and starts gathering up her books. He says he wasn't asking Roxanne to help pick out her ring, and she says she doesn't care. And he'll be right over after he changes out of his uniform. She says, "Don't bother," and splits. He says, rather bizarrely, that he "love[s] that woman." Um, why? Because she's so wonderfully paranoid and unreasonably jealous?
Lucy stomps up the driveway and sees her father drinking a glass of wine and smoking a cigar. The guitar gets very whimsical. She tilts her head, then shakes it, does a little double take, and blinks at him. Because, you know, drinking wine and smoking are Not Things Camdens Should Ever Do. Drinking and smoking may even be Things One Should Never Do. They are, of course, Things I Love To Do, and because I live by the golden rule, I would never look askance at someone who does. But Lucy did. Hey, is Lucy a beeyotch? Just asking. ["'Beeyotch' understates the case rather dramatically." -- Sars]
Camdens in the kitchen with Phyllis. Eating her spaghetti and loving it. Ruthie asks if Phyllis knows how to bake a cake. Phyllis says in no uncertain terms that she's "not going to bake a cake for your boyfriend!" Ruthie says he isn't her boyfriend. I'd hope so. It would suck to have a girlfriend like Ruthie. She has no money, can't bake a cake, and is fugs. Simon asks if Phyllis knows anything about French men. Phyllis gets this orgasmic look on her face like, ah, Frenchmen! Oh, mais oui! She knows about them way deep inside. When she snaps out of her reverie, she asks if Simon "likes French men?" No, but his girlfriend does. Phyllis wonders aloud if Cecilia has "ever had her nose licked by a big, nasty tongue." The CamKids say "EW" and push away their plates. Phyllis says she used to feel that way, too.
Annie calls her mother-in-law and says she didn't want help -- and not in the form of Phyllis. Her mom, whose hand is shaking terribly as she holds the phone (maybe try some more wine?), remembers Phyllis dearly. "Does she still smoke?" Sure, and Annie thinks she smelled alcohol on her breath. "Wine. She likes fine wine." She's clearly quite fond of Phyllis, and swears she'll "work her magic in twenty-four hours and be out of there." Dammit! I want more Phyllis Diller!
Roxanne and Robbie eat their spaghetti in the yard. She says transparently that she was thinking of going back to church, to gaze on Rev Lite. Robbie wonders "why [he] bothers" and that he is "such a loser." Word. No, he means because he "can't get a woman to fall in love with him." Have you tried men? Robbie says she's being cavalier because he told her he's been thinking about making out with her since the seventh grade. She says that isn't what he said -- he said he thought about her in the seventh grade. Robbie can't see the difference. Robbie is a dumb-ass. She explains that the former indicates he's been thinking about her for a long time, and the latter means he used to think about her in seventh grade. Does no one else think this sentiment is creepy? Anyway, he says she knows what her reasons for going to church are, and he doesn't like it. She smiles at him annoyingly.
Lucy and Kevin sit on the couch and eat their spaghetti. Hey, who's watching the twins? No one? Oh, all right. Kevin asks what kind of ring she wants. Who said she even wants a ring? I say she just wants to control Kevin, and a ring is just a stepping stone away from an actual ball and chain. She knows she doesn't want "a pearl that was on the finger of a dead woman." Kevin asks, again, round cut, square cut, what kind of ring. He whips out the magazine clipping she pocketed and dropped in the garage apartment. Is this the ring she wants? Maybe, she pretends. Can he afford it? He can. NOW Lucy is finally happy.
Robbie and Roxanne go into the kitchen with their dirty plates and thank Gabrielle for dinner. They tell Simon that "someone" is out on the porch for him, pile their plates in the sink, and are gone. Phyllis isn't amused. Ruthie offers to put the dishes in the dishwasher, and score: Phyllis says she'll bake her stupid cake for her.
Cecilia is out on the porch, waiting for Simon. She's surprised he didn't call her. He thought she'd be out with Marc. She says she likes Marc, but doesn't want to get all crazy about guys because she knows they don't like that. So, maybe they can all go out together? Double date? If he can't find a date, Cecilia will find one for him. She kisses him on the cheek and scampers off to buy more hair gel and lip-synch the words to "Dirrty" in the mirror.
Robbie and Roxanne make a date for -- ugh -- church. Lucy overhears and is all, did he just ask her to go to church? Kevin says smarmily that he thinks she's hot for Rev Lite. Wow, this show gets exposition-y even with new information. Who? Lucy hadn't heard about the new associate reverend, and freaks out that everyone already knows about this before her. Why is she never around for the important stuff? Kevin says he hopes she's around when he asks her to marry him. The hell? That barely makes sense.
CamRents' bedroom. Eric walks in, wearing an electric guitar, and says he's sorry for all the hoo-hah of the day. Annie accepts his apology. She's all, are you still upset about the associate pastor? No, he isn't. "Because you realized you need the help?" No, it's not that. It's that he's no longer afraid. He's taken his fear and turned it into something useful. Annie asks hopefully, "Revenge?" Good one! No. He meant song. And guess which song. Yes, "Jesus Loves Me." The twins appear to him, in pajamas, and sing along dutifully. Annie sits on the bed and confers with someone unseen above her. "This isn't good. It may sound good, but it isn't." Oh, word.