“ It's kind of like a Christian version of that scene in Taxi Driver where DeNiro is all 'are you looking at me?' in the mirror, except it's way scarier. ”
Does RevCam normally have conversations with himself in the mirror? I don't normally watch this show, so I wouldn't know. Regardless, RevCam is arguing with himself in his study while he tries to compose a sermon on inner peace and how to get some. It's kind of like a Christian version of that scene in Taxi Driver where DeNiro is all "are you looking at me?" in the mirror, except it's way scarier. Basically, Eric is illuminating the difficulty of achieving inner piece when one set of voices in your head wants you to "let go and let God" but another voice -- like the one that tells RevCam to stalk his kids and interfere in their lives -- wants you to control everything. A buzzer can be heard going off in the background. "Eric, dryer!" yells Annie the hag-faced preacher's wife from off-camera just as RevCam is getting somewhere on the sermon. Eric tries to stay focused while Annie keeps carping from off-camera about the fact that the jeans are going to get wrinkled. Um, unless Annie is meeting Halston and Andy at Studio 54 later, I'm not sure why she cares so deeply about having crease-free jeans. "They're just jeans!" says RevCam to himself. "This is my sermon!" Annie the hag-faced preacher's wife bursts into RevCam's study in all her hag-faced glory and reminds him that she's feeding the twins. "You said to yell if I needed help and I need help," she says haggardly. "I love you," says a voice in RevCam's head as he gets up to go to the dryer. "But sometimes you drive mecrazy." Damn, I thought he was going to say, "to kill!"
But before RevCam can rescue Hag-Face's Palmettos from textural hell, the doorbell rings. He answers it with Annie behind him. It's Pat Boone, wearing one of those woolen "dad" hats that you only see in the old Sears catalogs. Like, back in the fifties when white-collar professional men wore hats, you'd see nicer versions of them on the street, but now you just see a few of them lying around at a local Caldor for $5.99. And they only get sold when someone needs one for a school playor, apparently, when Pat Boone makes an appearance on 7th Heaven. It turns out that Pat Boone is Ken Smith, Captain Smith's dad. I thought the Captain Smith plotline died when Mary left the show. Whatever. He wants to talk to the Camdens about the fact that Mary "seduced" his son. Annie invites him in. "Yeah, come in, pal," says a voice in RevCam's head. "Because I'd like to kick your"
Theme song. I have a question about Nikolas and Lorenzo Brino who, according to the opening credits, play Sam and David. Isn't there a law that says that if you're a child actor under a certain age, you can only work certain amounts of hours, and therefore most child actors with regular parts on TV series are usually a set of twins playing a single character in shifts like the Olsen twins? So if Sam and David are twins, are they actually being played by a set of quadruplets?
The Enemy Within
“ Okay, if I'd had a monkey when I was Ruthie's age, I'd have been the most popular boy in the school. I'd be all, 'Hi, I'm Gustaveyou know, the one who has a pet monkey?' Hell, the day I got a hamster in fifth grade, seven kids I barely knew came over after school to play. ”
High School. Simon catches up to BritneyClone and asks her what's the latest about Claire Cleavage, the girl from last week who is rumored to be pregnant and claiming that Simon is the father since she used his dating service. Simon, in a burst of rationality, points out that even if he did do it with Claire Cleavage, he couldn't have gotten her pregnant that fast. BC exposits that everyone thinks Simon did the nasty with Claire last year in order to counter the "Virgin Camden" taunts. So let's review today's lesson, shall we? Don't go on dates with girls for money, because they will pay you to go on these dates and falsely claim that you had sex with them one year before the paid date ever happened, and you will be stuck caring for a bastard child for the rest of your life and your parents will ground you. Got it? Good. "Claire doesn't look like she's having a baby to me!" says Simon. According to BritneyClone, Claire Cleavage is probably pregnant because a) she has cleavage all of a sudden -- thus the nickname -- and b) she is wearing big clothes, presumably to hide some extra girth. "If she shows up on my front door claiming that I'm the father of her child after everything that has happened," says Simon, "my life will be over!" He vows to confront her.
Kevin and Ben enter Lucy's room in order to look for the hat. Yeah, I'm going to be typing a lot of sentences like that for the few pages, because the hat plot is just not going to die. They discuss the fact that it's impossible that the twins took it, because they didn't have time to stash it. Ben wants to snoop in Lucy and Mary's room in the hopes that he can find "Mary's address or something." Kevin looks at him dubiously. "We've got to save the church!" says Ben. "Plus you're the one who told me not to give up so easily." He finally hits paydirt when he finds Lucy's diary and starts reading it. Oh yeah, like Lucy's diary is going to have any information on anyone else besides herself. Kevin tells him to put it down. Ben ignores him and starts reading. Kevin doesn't want anything to do with this, so he leaves. Ben continues reading. Jeez, you'd think Kevin would physically rip his girlfriend's diary out of his brother's hands, grab him by the balls, and drag him out of the room, but no.
At Walter Reed Junior High, Ruthie is walking down the hall and passes a multi-ethnic group of catty girls. "Look. There goes monkey lover!" says their ringleader, a bi-racial pre-teen styled to resemble Alicia Keys and wearing a purple polo shirtdress. The other girls don't even get to titter, because god forbid someone should call the union and have to pay them. "Hey monkey lover! Where's your monkey?" Cruel Girl calls out again. Ruthie whirls around. "Did you just call me a monkey lover?" she asks. Uh, when I was in junior high, I wouldn't have had time to go to any of my classes if I had to stop and clarify every single random insult that someone yelled at me in the halls. "If the name fits" says Cruel Girl. Apparently, Ruthie's boyfriend has spread the word about Eisenhower, Ruthie's monkey. Ruthie claims that she is most definitely not a monkey lover. Okay, if I'd had a monkey when I was Ruthie's age, I'd have been the most popular boy in the school. I'd be all, "Hi, I'm Gustaveyou know, the one who has a pet monkey?" Hell, the day I got a hamster in fifth grade, seven kids I barely knew came over after school to play.