Does RevCam normally have conversations with himself in the mirror? I don't normally watch this show, so I wouldn't know. Regardless, RevCam is arguing with himself in his study while he tries to compose a sermon on inner peace and how to get some. It's kind of like a Christian version of that scene in Taxi Driver where DeNiro is all "are you looking at me?" in the mirror, except it's way scarier. Basically, Eric is illuminating the difficulty of achieving inner piece when one set of voices in your head wants you to "let go and let God" but another voice -- like the one that tells RevCam to stalk his kids and interfere in their lives -- wants you to control everything. A buzzer can be heard going off in the background. "Eric, dryer!" yells Annie the hag-faced preacher's wife from off-camera just as RevCam is getting somewhere on the sermon. Eric tries to stay focused while Annie keeps carping from off-camera about the fact that the jeans are going to get wrinkled. Um, unless Annie is meeting Halston and Andy at Studio 54 later, I'm not sure why she cares so deeply about having crease-free jeans. "They're just jeans!" says RevCam to himself. "This is my sermon!" Annie the hag-faced preacher's wife bursts into RevCam's study in all her hag-faced glory and reminds him that she's feeding the twins. "You said to yell if I needed help and I need help," she says haggardly. "I love you," says a voice in RevCam's head as he gets up to go to the dryer. "But sometimes you drive me...crazy." Damn, I thought he was going to say, "...to kill!"
But before RevCam can rescue Hag-Face's Palmettos from textural hell, the doorbell rings. He answers it with Annie behind him. It's Pat Boone, wearing one of those woolen "dad" hats that you only see in the old Sears catalogs. Like, back in the fifties when white-collar professional men wore hats, you'd see nicer versions of them on the street, but now you just see a few of them lying around at a local Caldor for $5.99. And they only get sold when someone needs one for a school play...or, apparently, when Pat Boone makes an appearance on 7th Heaven. It turns out that Pat Boone is Ken Smith, Captain Smith's dad. I thought the Captain Smith plotline died when Mary left the show. Whatever. He wants to talk to the Camdens about the fact that Mary "seduced" his son. Annie invites him in. "Yeah, come in, pal," says a voice in RevCam's head. "Because I'd like to kick your..."
Theme song. I have a question about Nikolas and Lorenzo Brino who, according to the opening credits, play Sam and David. Isn't there a law that says that if you're a child actor under a certain age, you can only work certain amounts of hours, and therefore most child actors with regular parts on TV series are usually a set of twins playing a single character in shifts like the Olsen twins? So if Sam and David are twins, are they actually being played by a set of quadruplets?
Exterior pan over to the CamPound. The credits reveal that Cindy Williams is one of tonight's guest stars. Oh, I'm so there! Tonight's time-waster features RevCam serving tea from a squash-colored Fiestaware tea set while Pat Boone and Hag-Faced Annie watch anxiously. I take it we are supposed to infer that RevCam is mighty upset over this guest, judging by the spillage as he pours the tea. Oh, and he's using tea bags. Looks like someone needs to go to geisha school. Ken Smith informs the Camdens that he's a "real estate magnate." Um, who the fuck introduces themselves as a "real estate magnate"? Even if you're Donald Trump, you're supposed to say, "I'm in real estate," and just leave it at that. It would be like introducing yourself as "a shipping tycoon" or "an A-list movie star." RevCam has heard of him. Pat informs the CamRents that he owns all of the property surrounding the church. "What a coincidence," says RevCam. Apparently, it's not a coincidence. Pat bought all the property recently. He threatens to sell said property to the "worst possible neighbors" unless the CamRents can get Mary to stop seeing their son. Annie suggests that he can't control the behavior of his adult son. "How can you accuse my daughter of seducing your son when your son is old enough to be...me," asks RevCam. According to Pat Boone, Captain Smith was in love with an "age-appropriate woman," but Mary beckoned Captain Smith like a "siren. " Hag-Faced Annie grimaces at the pagan terminology. Ben and Kevin enter, asking if they can take the twins to the park. Annie explains who Pat Boone is and why he's here. Kevin wants to leave. Ben explains that he's really Mary's boyfriend. Robbie enters also. Ben explains to who Pat Boone is and how he wants to break up Captain Smith and Mary. "Yeah, don't we all," says Robbie, exiting. Ben explains the existence of Robbie to Pat Boone. Pat Boone looks suitably confused. Oh, and he's missing his hat...the hat that just happens to have been given to him by his father on the day that Captain Smith was born. Annie and RevCam look for it, but it's no where to be found. "I want my hat back and my son back," says Pat Boone, exiting. Annie asks the twins if they took the hat. They deny knowing anything about it. Ben and Kevin deny taking it. Annie isn't even sure he was wearing a hat. "We have to find the hat," says RevCam to the twins. "Daddy's job and his church depend on it." The twins still deny having it. "Find the hat!" screams Annie The Hag. Who writes this crap?
High School. Simon catches up to BritneyClone and asks her what's the latest about Claire Cleavage, the girl from last week who is rumored to be pregnant and claiming that Simon is the father since she used his dating service. Simon, in a burst of rationality, points out that even if he did do it with Claire Cleavage, he couldn't have gotten her pregnant that fast. BC exposits that everyone thinks Simon did the nasty with Claire last year in order to counter the "Virgin Camden" taunts. So let's review today's lesson, shall we? Don't go on dates with girls for money, because they will pay you to go on these dates and falsely claim that you had sex with them one year before the paid date ever happened, and you will be stuck caring for a bastard child for the rest of your life and your parents will ground you. Got it? Good. "Claire doesn't look like she's having a baby to me!" says Simon. According to BritneyClone, Claire Cleavage is probably pregnant because a) she has cleavage all of a sudden -- thus the nickname -- and b) she is wearing big clothes, presumably to hide some extra girth. "If she shows up on my front door claiming that I'm the father of her child after everything that has happened," says Simon, "my life will be over!" He vows to confront her.
Kevin and Ben enter Lucy's room in order to look for the hat. Yeah, I'm going to be typing a lot of sentences like that for the few pages, because the hat plot is just not going to die. They discuss the fact that it's impossible that the twins took it, because they didn't have time to stash it. Ben wants to snoop in Lucy and Mary's room in the hopes that he can find "Mary's address or something." Kevin looks at him dubiously. "We've got to save the church!" says Ben. "Plus you're the one who told me not to give up so easily." He finally hits paydirt when he finds Lucy's diary and starts reading it. Oh yeah, like Lucy's diary is going to have any information on anyone else besides herself. Kevin tells him to put it down. Ben ignores him and starts reading. Kevin doesn't want anything to do with this, so he leaves. Ben continues reading. Jeez, you'd think Kevin would physically rip his girlfriend's diary out of his brother's hands, grab him by the balls, and drag him out of the room, but no.
At Walter Reed Junior High, Ruthie is walking down the hall and passes a multi-ethnic group of catty girls. "Look. There goes monkey lover!" says their ringleader, a bi-racial pre-teen styled to resemble Alicia Keys and wearing a purple polo shirtdress. The other girls don't even get to titter, because god forbid someone should call the union and have to pay them. "Hey monkey lover! Where's your monkey?" Cruel Girl calls out again. Ruthie whirls around. "Did you just call me a monkey lover?" she asks. Uh, when I was in junior high, I wouldn't have had time to go to any of my classes if I had to stop and clarify every single random insult that someone yelled at me in the halls. "If the name fits..." says Cruel Girl. Apparently, Ruthie's boyfriend has spread the word about Eisenhower, Ruthie's monkey. Ruthie claims that she is most definitely not a monkey lover. Okay, if I'd had a monkey when I was Ruthie's age, I'd have been the most popular boy in the school. I'd be all, "Hi, I'm Gustave...you know, the one who has a pet monkey?" Hell, the day I got a hamster in fifth grade, seven kids I barely knew came over after school to play.
Ruthie's boyfriend appears. "Don't pay her any attention, Ruthie!" he says. He tries to stick up for her, but fails. He's just as scared of Cruel Girl and tries to save face by telling her that Ruthie is going to punch her. Cruel Girl is all, "You gonna punch me, monkey lover?" "I don't think you're worth punching," says Ruthie.
Okay, I don't know which is stupider, the reading of Lucy's diary or the fact that Ben fell asleep while reading it so that Lucy actually catches him asleep in her bed with her diary in his arms. And how much of a loser must Lucy be if her diary actually puts people to sleep? Lucy grabs the diary out of his hands and beats him girlishly with it. "Those are my very private thoughts," she whines. Okay, yes, reading someone's diary is probably one of the most violating things you can do to someone, and Ben deserves to have his face ripped off for this. Yet something about Lucy being the object of this "violation" makes me want to tell her to shove it. I mean, if Lucy were a UN weapons inspector and she came back from Iraq and told me that Hussein has weapons of mass destruction, I'd be like, "So?" If Lucy were checking bags at the airport and told me that there were Pakistani dudes wearing Osama bin Laden t-shirts trying to get on a flight to Washington D.C. with knives in their bags, I'd tell her to mind her own business and stop being such a racist bizzotch. If Lucy suffered from depression as a result of being molested by a family member, I'd tell her to put on a happy face, forget about the whole thing, and stop flirting with relatives. Lucy rubs me the wrong way, in case you hadn't noticed. Annie enters, wanting to know what's going on. Lucy tells her about Ben reading her diary. Ben explains that he was just trying to find out stuff about Mary. "Let's not make too much of this," says Annie. I guess she hates Lucy as much as I do. Lucy insists that justice be done, so Annie comes down really hard on Ben...by telling him to go pick up Ruthie at school. After Ben exits, Annie comforts Lucy by telling her that she doesn't think that Ben would be "immature" enough to tell Kevin anything he's read. What?
Ben enters the kitchen, where Kevin is making a big sandwich. Straight Christian men love sandwiches. It provides them with the right amount of protein and carbohydrates needed to do good deeds and procreate. "So?" asks Kevin. "You set off a passion she fears cannot be quenched," Ben tells him. Oh man, that is lame. Kevin giggles helplessly and continues to assemble his sandwich. Lucy runs down the stairs toward Ben, and Ben runs out the door to avoid her wrath. I mean, now that Lucy's got that gangsta-girl haircut, she's probably real nasty in a fight, and Ben knows it. Upon failing to catch up with Ben, Lucy grills Kevin about what Ben read in her diary and what he shared with him. "Aren't you too old to keep a diary?" asks Kevin. Again, I'm aghast that Kevin would ignore the invasion of Lucy's privacy, and I'm stunned that he'd fail to see the value of keeping a journal at any age. I mean, hasn't anyone heard of Anaïs Nin or Ned Rorem? On the other hand, because it's Lucy, I want to say, "Jeez, Lucy, literacy is cute when you're a girl but past a certain age, it's tiresome. Here, put on this chador and grill me a steak." Lucy keeps squawking about her private thoughts and how they've been violated. Kevin is all, "I care about your private thoughts. So talk to me." Lucy asks Kevin how he'd feel if she read his journal. "I don't need to keep a journal," says Kevin. "I tell you what I'm thinking." Actually, Kevin can't read or write, and that's why he can't keep a journal. For some reason they get on the subject of Kevin's sex life. Lucy wants to know if he's been with a woman. "A woman as opposed to...?" says Kevin. Well, that was an interesting response. First there was the "kissing your father" line from last week, and now we're getting hints that Kevin might like surf and turf. This show is getting downright cheeky! Kevin feels uncomfortable answering that question, so he wraps up his sandwich quickly and leaves to go to work. Lucy blocks his way. "I really want an answer!" she says. "I have a passion I fear that cannot be quenched," Kevin deadpans. "I'll talk to you later. Or maybe I'll just write a diary of my own." He exits, and Lucy is all, "That's not funny!"
Back at Walter Read, Ben runs into Ruthie in the halls and tells her that he's picking her up today because Annie is too busy finding El Sombrero Del Pat Boone. Just as they're about to leave for home, Cruel Girl enters and starts in with the "monkey lover" insults again, referring to Ben as a "big ape." My, there are a lot of evolutionary shout-outs this week, considering that this is a Christian show. Ben tells Cruel Girl off. "You better watch who you're calling names," he says. Uh, has it occurred to anyone that "monkey lover" is the lamest insult ever and to just ignore the guest child actress already? Cindy Williams, as the vice principal, enters wearing a Crayola-blue suit from Talbots. "What's going on out here?" Cruel Girl fake cries and tells Cindy that the "scary man" just threatened her. Cindy buys into Cruel Girl's story and calls the police since she's not even sure who Ben is. Apparently Annie never informed the school that she was sending someone else to pick up Ruthie.
Back at Simon's high school, Simon walks over to Claire Cleavage's locker and asks her if they can "talk." Okay, this pear-shaped girl -- who is wearing a burgundy hooded sweatshirt and sporting a Buffy Sainte-Marie brush 'n' go hairstyle -- cannot possibly have earned the nickname "Claire Cleavage." First off? No cleavage. To paraphrase Barbra Streisand in Funny Girl, this girl's incidentals are no bigger than two lentils. If that's what passes for cleavage these days, Ruthie could be a Victoria's Secret model. I'm not being judgmental. Breasts of all sizes can be lovely. But if someone has the nickname Claire Cleavage, I gotta see some. Second of all? According to BritneyClone, CC is supposed to have a "reputation," whereas this girl could not look any less "easy." She looks like someone who'd join the medieval/Renaissance studies department at Mount Holyoke and rarely leave the library. This girl doesn't shave her legs, let alone spread them, okay? Anyway, Simon tells Claire that he's concerned because people are talking about them. "People aren't talking about us, Simon," says Claire. "They're talking about me." Simon is freaked because people think he's the father of her child. "That's absurd," says Claire. "We only went out last week." Uh, Claire? Shouldn't you have said, "That's absurd, we didn't have sex when we went out last week"? Or did you go to an artificial insemination clinic on that date? Intercourse causes pregnancy, people. Not bowling. The reason that Simon is not the father of Claire Cleavage's child is because he didn't fertilize her eggs ever, not because he only fertilized them last week. Or at least that's what we've been told so far. Simon asks why she wanted to go out with him every night last week. Claire claims that she wanted to get out of the house in case anything "happened." At the word "happened," Simon smells a job for The Camden Family Child Abuse Prevention League and asks her what she fears would "happen" at her home. Claire denies that anything's wrong...and tells him that she's not pregnant. Although you just know she's lying. "Maybe my dad could..." says Simon. "There's nothing your dad can do," says Claire Cleavage. "There's nothing anyone can do." "Let me help you," pleads Simon. "I'll take care of it when the time comes," says Claire.
The CamPound. Robbie is sitting on his bed, talking to Mary on the phone and updating her on the latest Camden family news. And because Jessica Biel is off making another crappy movie and can't be bothered, we don't get an actual shot of Mary talking on the phone with Robbie. When it's Mary's turn to say something, the camera remains on Robbie so we can't even hear her side of the conversation. Meanwhile, Vice Principal Cindy Williams is trying to call the CamPound to determine Ben's identity, but keeps getting a busy signal. Hey, Robbie? Haven't you heard of waiting until the rates go down before you make a long-distance call? And hasn't the Camden family heard of call waiting? Ben tells VP Shirley Feeney that the Camdens' phone will probably be busy for a while since they only have one line. Ruthie insists that it's okay for Ben to drive her home. VP Shirley is unmoved, not to mention frustrated that the police haven't arrived yet. "Why would you come all the way from Buffalo if you're Mary's old boyfriend?" asks Shirley, removing her glasses and checking out his package. Despite the fact that it's not Shirley's business, Ben explains how he's trying to talk Mary into getting back together with him, even though she's going out with a pilot twice her age. "I wonder what he looks like," says Shirley. Ruthie makes a gesture as if she's a gorilla beating her chest. Shirley's all, "I saw that." What? I didn't get this scene at all. Meanwhile, Robbie is still yammering away to AbsentMary on the phone. Now he's telling her about Pat Boone dropping by and trying to break her up with Captain Smith.
CamKitchen. RevCam enters and asks Hag-Faced Annie about the hat. He also wants to know where Ruthie, Ben, and Simon are. Annie complains always being the one that has to find everything. "But you're the finder," says RevCam. Whatever. Annie hag-ulates that Ruthie has tricked Ben into taking an afternoon field trip and that Simon will be home any minute. "And if he doesn't come home?" asks RevCam. "Then we'll call the police," says Annie. "You mean Kevin?" asks RevCam. Annie affirms this. "We can't just use Kevin as our own private police officer," says RevCam. "Why not?" says Annie. "We did it for years with Sergeant Michaels and he made captain." Hee!
Meanwhile, Simon is already at the police station, where Roxanne and Kevin are sitting down at their desks. Simon has a legal question that he couldn't find answers to at the library. Kevin tells Simon that he's been trying to call Lucy on the phone, but "somebody has the phone tied up." He asks Simon why the Camdens don't "move into the twenty-first century and get cell phones." Simon explains that it's a church thing. Or rather, that the church doesn't have the money for modern conveniences. Rachel Blanchard chimes in with a few "told you!"s and "told you so"s throughout the conversation, just to make her seem brash and independent, but it's not working. Sergeant Michaels enters and tells Kevin to get over to Ruthie's school and ID Ben. Kevin is about to run over when Rachel Blanchard is all, "Your brother's in town?" You see, women who work outside the home are desperate for a man and will run like dogs toward anyone available. Sergeant Michaels is all, "What are you running here? A dating service?" For some reason, they don't even give a reaction shot of Simon or anyone looking at Simon to enhance the irony of Sergeant Michaels's last remark. Kevin and Rachel Blanchard exit, leaving Simon alone with Sergeant Michaels. "I have to write a paper on that thing where women can just drop off their babies at the hospital with no questions asked," says Simon. Sergeant Michaels, barely concealing his suspicion of this being more than a homework matter, explains that in the state of California, "all they have to do is take the baby to a fire station, emergency room, or police station, no questions asked." Simon insists that it's just research he's doing for a biology paper. Sergeant Michaels offers his help anyway. Simon keeps lying badly.
Lucy and twins look for the hat, a search which consists of Lucy taking the twins by the hands, looking inside various rooms through the doorway, and asking, "Is it here?" in front of each one. The twins deny placing the hat in every room she tries. Robbie finally gets off the phone with AbsentMary, so Lucy hands the twins over to Robbie so they can look for Le Chapeau Du Pat Boone. Lucy asks Robbie about Kevin's virginity, but because the twins are present, she's really subtle about it. Robbie tells her to ask Kevin. Lucy explains that she did, but didn't get an answer, and goes into an explanation of the whole diary-reading plotline. "Aren't you too old to keep a diary?" asks Robbie. "It's a journal," whines Lucy, and launches into yet another litany about her privacy being violated. Robbie says he can't help her, and goes off to look for the hat.
Kevin and Roxanne arrive at the school to ID Ben. Rachel Blanchard is all "Wow, that's your brother?" Vice Principal Shirley explains that Ben threatened a student and "called her a name." Ruthie defends Ben, and points out that Cruel Girl started it by calling Ben a "big fat ape." Ben in turn points out to Ruthie that Cruel Girl never used the term "fat," and they start bickering. A secretary comes to rescue by announcing that Annie is on the phone, wanting to talk to Vice Principal Feeney, so Shirley exits to take the call. "You sure you want to marry into the Camden family?" says Ben as Ruthie makes ape-like gestures. Kevin is all, "Thanks to you, I won't be able to," and explains that he let it slip to Lucy that Ben told him some things from her diary and it "opened a can of worms." Meanwhile, Rachel Blanchard couldn't be more oblivious to the conversation that is taking place in front of her. Instead, she keeps hinting at wanting to be introduced to Ben, then finally gives up and introduces herself. This Roxanne girl is such a loser.
Claire Cleavage calls the CamPound looking for Simon. Annie answers, hears the desperation in Claire Cleavage's voice, and tries to assure her that Simon should be home any minute. CC explains that Simon was doing some "research" for her and apologizes for making Simon breaking his curfew. "He's on restriction but he's still allowed to help people," says an empathetic Annie, frantically looking for a pencil with which to take a message. Simon enters at last. Annie hands him the phone. CC is all, "Please tell me you have some good news!"
After a commercial break, night has fallen and Simon is sitting in bed, staring at seven phones, including the ugly clear one. Um, has anyone explained to Simon that if you only have one phone line, having seven phones isn't going to increase your odds of hearing from someone, or make your concern for them any more sincere? The doorbell rings; it's Pat Boone. "Have you found the hat yet?" he asks. RevCam makes Pat Boone admit that the visit isn't just about the hat. You see, according to Pat Boone, Mary broke up with Captain Smith, and Pat Boone thinks that the break-up is the result of RevCam giving Mary a good talking-to. Pat Boone apologizes for going all Alexis Carrington on their asses and promises that "no bookstore, no movies, no massage parlors" will be -door neighbors to the CamPound. "When it comes to family, I get a little nuts," he explains. "All parents go a little nuts," says RevCam. "We just don't have your money." He invites Pat Boone by for a Sunday service. Pat Boone accepts the invitation happily...but he still wants the hat back. He says goodbye and exits. RevCam sings this stupid song that goes, "Good-bye, good-bye, we're leaving you skidalee-dah!" According to an internet search of mine, it's some song that Dudley Moore and Peter Cook used to sing on some show they did on the BBC. Annie enters, RevCam gives her the good news, and they both start singing that stupid song before Annie goes off to look for the hat some more. But before she gets up the stairs, she pauses to ask what caused Mary to break it off if it wasn't RevCam. "I'm hoping Mary," says RevCam. On her way up the stairs, Annie asks Lucy about the break-up. Lucy says she hasn't talked to Mary, and brings the subject back to her. Something about commitment phobia and being in a desert. I wasn't paying attention. "This is not a desert," says Annie. "This is real life." I don't really get it.
Lucy pass through the kitchen on her way to the garage. RevCam is hanging out in the CamKitchen, stops her on the way, and after some really nosy questioning, he establishes that she's going over there to snoop. "We're all our own worst enemy," says RevCam, giving a shout-out to the episode's title. "You know that, right?" Lucy is all, whatever, and heads for the garage anyway, leaving RevCam alone in the kitchen once more. Ruthie enters, cherishing the big steak Ben bought her after the afternoon with Shirley, the vice principal. Ben explains to RevCam that he gave Ruthie a goodbye dinner because he's going back to Buffalo even though Mary broke it off with Captain Smith. RevCam dispatches Ruthie to go find the hat. RevCam and Ben have a heart-to-heart, and RevCam suggests that Ben date a lot of other girls. Ben claims that he won't have time to. "I'm a lazy dater," he explains. Annie enters and finds out he's leaving. They hug. He thanks the Camdens. Annie says he's welcome there anytime. Ben exits. Annie is pleased that Ben is going, she admits to RevCam privately, because maybe finally Mary will learn that she can't treat people the way she treated Ben.
The seven phones finally ring. Simon gets it. It's CC at a phone booth. "I'm gonna leave it in the phone booth," she says. Has she even had it yet? She doesn't look like she's in labor. Simon is all, "Let me tell someone." CC is all, "No." She tells Simon that she's going to leave it in the phone booth, and that he's to swing by and take the baby to the hospital himself. What? That's harsh. Way to save money on any carefully choreographed and acted birthing scenes. Simon runs for the door and tells the CamRents he's gotta help someone. "Is this about Claire?" asks the ever-perceptive Annie. Simons refuses to break confidence, but admits as much. They let him go. RevCam wants to follow Simon in the car and spy on him. Annie convinces him not to.
Kevin enters the kitchen. Lucy is there, and admits that she almost snooped around, but ultimately didn't. Lucy asks about Roxanne meeting Ben. Kevin tells Lucy that he'll still love her even if she's been with another man. Wait, how did we get on the subject of Lucy's virginity? Or was something else meant by that whole "unquenched desert" metaphor? Kevin concludes that Lucy's virginity is a private matter that he doesn't need to know about. He leaves for work. "This isn't over!" shouts Lucy as he leaves.
Upstairs, Annie is trying to get the twins ready for bed, but the twins don't want to put their pajamas on. D'oh! That's because one of them (I don't know which) stuffed Pat Boone's hat down his pants. Ew! Well, at least they found the hat, but ew!
RevCam works on his sermon some more that evening. He hears voices again. The voices want him to go follow Simon. Another voice wants RevCam to trust his kids. Robbie enters and interrupts. Robbie tells RevCam about the breakup, and that he was the one who talked Mary into breaking up with Captain Smith. But lest you think Jessica Biel will be back anytime soon, it seems that Mary still wants to live in Ft. Lauderdale, away from everyone else, so she can "make her own mistakes." She does, however, want RevCam to have her address, so Robbie gives it to him and goes to bed. Lucy comes by to tell RevCam that she's given up on finding out if Kevin is a virgin. "I have a feeling this isn't over," says RevCam. "I'm going to try," vows Lucy. She exits. Ruthie enters and tells RevCam that she's proud of herself because she "just walked away" from someone who called her names. And, despite peer pressure, she didn't punch Cruel Girl. RevCam gives Ruthie props for being such a good girl. Ruthie reassures him about everyone else in the family. "Thanks and goodnight," says RevCam. "You're welcome and goodnight," says Ruthie exiting. "You are keeping an eye on Simon, right?" he asks God.
Hospital parking lot. Simon sits in his car with the quietest baby ever. It's raining. He cries a lot while saying goodbye to the baby so he'll have a tape to submit to the Emmy committee. Or maybe at least the People's Choice Awards. He finally gets out of the car and gives the totally silent baby to a big fat black nurse and explains that he's dropping the baby off "for safekeeping." "God bless!" says the big fat black nurse. ["I guess in Glenoak they don't ask any questions about a random kid just dumping an anonymous baby at the hospital." -- Sars] Simon cries. Sergeant Michaels watches from the safety of an unmarked police car and nods proudly to himself.