The sun rises on the CamPound while, inside the girls' room, Mary noiselessly gathers her stuff together and sneaks out of the room so as not to wake the other two sleeping sisters of mercy. As soon as Mary is out the door, Ruthie and Lucy sit up in bed, and then whirl around to face each other with a simultaneous precision not seen since those Chinese acrobats used to perform on the Ed Sullivan show. "Sooner or later, like it or not, she's going to have that conversation with Dad about Captain Smith!" says Lucy. Hey. It looks like the 7th Heaven stylists just discovered the "Rachel" haircut, realized that it's the hippest thing since the Gibson Girl, and proceeded to blow out the hair of every single cast member on this show with the exception of Lucky the dog. Even Ruthie, who has sleep in her friggin' eyes, has the perfect comb-out as her head arises from her Hello Kitty pillow. "That guy gives me the creeps!" says Ruthie, urging Lucy to say something to Mary about it while she secretly fantasizes about Captain Jack showing up at the CamPound with vague promises of candy and gifts of Hello Kitty products. Lucy would like to talk to Mary, but Mom told everyone not to say anything. "You don't always do what Mom tells you," says Ruthie. "I try," says Lucy. Try? I must have missed that episode. Ruthie reminds Lucy that Mom told her to stop "stringing Kevin along" and agree to marry him already. Lucy defends herself by saying that Kevin never asked her, and he might be interested in his new partner Roxanne anyway. Ruthie insists that Kevin would totally ask Lucy to marry her if he knew she'd say yes. Uh, Ruthie? Since Kevin packed up and moved to Glenoak in order to live on the CamPound after two dates with Lucy, I don't think he suffers too hard from rejection sensitivity. Oh, but then it comes up that both Ruthie and Lucy have said something to Mary about Captain Smith anyway. Whoops! "So do you think anyone can stop Mary from seeing this guy?" asks Ruthie. "It's not likely," says Lucy. At that, they both plunk their heads back down on their pillows, but Lucy remains awake and stares at the camera really really hard.
Theme song. Oh, I don't think that even the mega-irresistible Reese Witherspoon can save Sweet Home Alabama from itself. And I just realized that that's not Matthew McConaughey that she hooks up with. And can I just ask, what the hell is the name of that damn song that goes "you're everywhere I'm going to," sung by that Lilith reject and featured in the coming attractions of just about every movie made since 1999? And what was that "verb" ad for, exactly? You know, the one where that girl dives into the pool of verbs. What are they trying to sell me? And thank God for Campbell's Soup At Hand! At last, I can get ten times my recommended sodium intake without having to stop working at my computer, or even sit down at all for that matter!
Another shot of the CamPound exterior. Tonight's guest stars are Grant Goodeve and someone named Alan Fudge. Hee! His last name is Fudge! And tonight's time-waster features Robbie shaving at the bathroom sink while wearing a ski cap and shivering-a-plenty. There's even a vaguely artistic shot of his face from below the surface of the sink full of water. He leaves the bathroom and runs into heartthrob-come-lately Simon, who asks him if he's "left any hot water" for him. Robbie reveals that there wasn't even any hot water for his shower…thus the ski cap and the shivers a-plenty. You see, apparently Mary hogged it all when she woke up super-early in order to avoid Dad. That's right. You see, there's always hot water for everyone unless Mary wakes up super-early. That's why waking up early to avoid confrontation is a bad thing. "She's going to have to talk to Reverend Camden sooner or later," says Robbie. "Did you talk to her?" asks Simon. Oh course not, insists Robbie; AnnieCam said not to. Oh, but wait, he caved and talked to her anyway. So did Simon. Whoops! The twins enter and say something uncute and reminiscent of Children of the Corn.
Meanwhile, outside of the CamPound, Mary furtively gets into her car and tries to slip away without -- say it with me now -- speaking to Dad about Captain Smith. But RevCam is just too slick for Mary. He's right there with his morning coffee. "Best coffee I've had all week," he informs her as he lets himself into the Marymobile. "Because I'm having it with you." RevCam brings up the fact that Mary's been avoiding him for a whole week. Mary explains that she didn't appreciate RevCam telling Ben about Captain Smith. "You mean maybe I shouldn't have told Ben that you're dating someone twenty years older than yourself to get back at Ben when he's done absolutely nothing?" I love how, according to RevCam, no one just gets bored sexually with one guy and decides to get it on with someone else. There always has to be revenge involved. Oh, wait. RevCam is right, because Mary confirms this by pointing out that Ben is getting back together with his ex-girlfriend. "He's just talking to her," explains RevCam. Mary insists that she no longer cares for Ben and that RevCam should trust her. She also tries to use the RevCam's initial distaste for Robbie as an example of how RevCam often judges her boyfriends too harshly. "And now he lives in your house and you treat him like your son!" says Mary. "Well, that could be a problem with this new guy," says RevCam. "You see, technically, he's too old to be my son." Mary is all, "If the man I date makes you feel uncomfortable, I will stay somewhere else." RevCam explains that he can't help but say something if his daughter is dating a guy RevCam's own age. Mary is all, "Don't make me choose between my family and Jack!" RevCam is all, "You'd consider leaving your family to be with this cradle-robbing lowlife sky jockey who's got a daughter your age?" Mary shoves RevCam out of her car and races off. "I hope that every time you even think of kissing him you think about kissing your father," yells RevCam, loudly enough for the neighbors to hear him. Wow, that was funny. Except it wasn't.
Back in the CamKitchen, Annie could not look more uncomfortable with the twins. Seriously, she looks like she found them abandoned in a shopping mall and is waiting for their real mom to swing by and pick them up. "What would you like for breakfast today?" asks Annie desperately. "Cookies!" says the one on the left. (I don't normally recap this show, so don't even ask me to remember their names. ["Sam and David, but honestly, even the Camdens can't tell them apart, or can't be bothered to, so don't worry about it." -- Sars]) "Ice kweam!" says the one on the right. "How 'bout oatmeal?" suggests Annie. Uh, if it's gonna be oatmeal anyway, why'd you bother asking? This reminds me of that Sandra Bernhard routine where she talks about coming home from lunch every day when she was a little girl and pretending to "order" lunch from her mother like she was a waitress in a roadside café. "Oatmeal really does make you very big, strong and healthy," says Annie, like she's appearing in an infomercial for oatmeal and she just plucked these kids out of the studio audience. But the twins aren't buying. Probably because the aliens that inhabit their bodies read somewhere that kids love sweets, and if they obediently ate their oatmeal, it would send up a red flag. Fortunately, RevCam enters to save us from anymore domestic "comedy." He tries to lie about his reasons for being outside -- he claims to have been putting the trash out -- but Annie knows it's not trash day, so the truth comes out. "You weren't trying to catch up with Mary again, were you?" asks Annie. D'oh! RevCam reminds Annie that their eldest daughter is marrying a man old enough to be her father and that they need to step in. Annie argues that meddling will only push Mary into getting serious with Captain Smith. RevCam tries to pretend that he may have gotten through to Mary when they talked. Annie sees right through this. The twins back her up. Jesus, when did Annie become such a hag?
Simon admires his new clothes and jewelry in the mirror of his bedroom while Ruthie spies on him. Now, Ruthie may look all wet behind the ears, but she knows when a Camden family member is selling his ass. She interrogates him about the bling-bling. Simon claims that he's spent some birthday money because he wants to "look nice." Ruthie reminds him how much he hates to part with a buck and therefore must have way more than birthday money. She's also noticed that he's out of the house during most evenings and suspects that something foul is up. "If you need my help, let me know," says Ruthie, exiting. Robbie enters. "She's onto you!" he whispers frantically, wrestling Simon homoerotically into the safety of their bedroom. Simon doesn't see a problem with his business. Plus, he's only seeing one repeat client…plus Cecilia…and this cheerleader whose parents have made her break up with her boyfriend, and a bunch of other girls. Robbie is alarmed by how many customers Simon has. Simon claims to be the "perfect date," because he's a good dancer and a good bowler. Uh, since when did a date end badly because your date bowled under one hundred? "You're not just a date, Simon," says Robbie. "You're an escort!" Okay, I just have to ask what the writers are getting at this week. I mean, we all know that "escorting" can be a euphemism for prostitution. But if Simon isn't literally having sex for money, why is "escorting" such a crime against nature if it really is just escorting?
While Simon and Robbie debate the pros and cons of not having sex for money, Ruthie returns and listens at the door just in time to hear Simon say, "I'm not selling sex," and Robbie say, "You're one step away from it." Speaking of selling sex, Kevin enters in his form-fitting policeman's uniform and busts Ruthie for eavesdropping. Simon and Robbie open the door, wanting to know how much Ruthie heard. Ruthie plays dumb, and Kevin tells Robbie that he should move into the garage so that Kevin can live Ruthie's old room and thus be closer to Lucy. Robbie doesn't want to live in the garage. Simon takes Ruthie out of there so he can drive her to school. Robbie exits for class. "We'll talk tonight," says Kevin, giving off stalky vibes like Ray Liotta in Unlawful Entry.
Back at the church, RevCam is being confronted by a church elder…or someone who could be a regular character, for all I know. He wants to know what RevCam was doing out on "the street" in his pajamas this morning. He also wants know why Mary drove off so fast and why RevCam said something about kissing her. Okay, back up here. If RevCam is molesting his oldest daughter and bragging about it to the entire neighborhood, wouldn't this be a complaint that would kind of overshadow Mary's driving fast and the public wearing of pajamas? I mean, what's ? "RevCam, you're raping your children and you're not sorting your recycling properly." Apparently, according to church elder guy, the parishioners want to know why the Cam children are allowed to do things which reflect badly on the church -- like Mary dating "an older gentleman," Lucy living with her fiancée, and Ruthie baby-sitting for the monkey. Jeez, hasn't anyone on this show ever heard the stereotype about preachers' kids or even that song by Dusty Springfield? I mean, I was always under the impression that if you were a preacher and your children weren't acting in porn films or serving time in a federal prison, you were a pretty good parent. RevCam nervously tries to explain away all of the gossip before he exits to go get an address off his desk. I'm guessing that was Alan Fudge.
Back at school, Simon is walking down the hall with BritneyClone. Only she's ChristianBritneyClone, because there's only a couple of centimeters of midriff exposed below her aqua shirt. BritneyClone wants to hang out sometime, but Simon is "booked." BC wants to know why he's been spending so much time with Claire Cleavage. Okay, which writer on the 7th Heaven staff actually named a character Claire Cleavage. Oh, wait -- that's just her nickname, because Simon tells BC to stop calling her that. He also explains that Claire Cleavage is a paying customer and gets to spend as much time with him as she wants, since it's her dime. Plus they don't really do anything except hang out in the library. "She has kind of a bad reputation," says BC. Uh, how much of a "bad reputation" can Claire Cleavage have if she has to pay for sexless dates? I mean, if she's that easy, you'd think her dance card would be full.
"Did your boyfriend go out with Claire?" asks Simon. "Is this what all of this is about?" "Even my boyfriend wouldn't go out with Claire," says BC. "Plus, he's not my boyfriend. I broke up with him." You see, BC wants to go out on a date with Simon -- a real one that she doesn't have to pay for. Okay, you know that scene in the 1984 film Crimes of Passion where John Laughlin hires Kathleen Turner to have sex with him and afterwards he's all, "Wow, I felt a connection -- I have to see you again," and Kathleen is all, "I'm a hooker, you're a john, don't ruin a perfect relationship"? That's pretty much what Simon tells BC. BC warns Simon to drop the dating service before he gets into real trouble. "And stay away from Claire!" she says, whirling around and stomping down the hall, giving Simon an undisturbed view of her perky buttocks.
RevCam shows up for a mystery appointment by the pool of one of those "singles" apartment complexes. "Reverend Camden?" asks an off-screen male voice. RevCam turns toward the direction of the voice. It's Captain Smith. They make out. No, wait, they don't. Actually, they go off to have a talk about Mary. Whatever.
Back at the CamPound, Kevin confronts Robbie, wanting to know the reason why Robbie would rather be in the house than in the garage apartment. Robbie explains that he likes to feel like part of the family. "If you wanted to be part of the family," says Kevin, "you wouldn't have dated your would-be sister Lucy." Oh please, Kevin, haven't you heard of incest? Kevin asks Robbie once again to move into the garage apartment just as Simon walks by. "I'll take the garage apartment," says Simon. Robbie doesn't think this is a good idea. "Let's ask Mom," says Kevin. Robbie reminds Kevin that Annie isn't Kevin's mom. "She will be when I marry Lucy," says Kevin. "She'll be your mom-in-law," says Robbie. "She'll be my mom," says Kevin. Uh-oh. Simon exits to get the CamRents' approval for him to move into the garage. Robbie tells Kevin that it's not a good idea for Simon to have his own apartment right now. Kevin tells Robbie that Robbie still has feelings for Lucy, and that's the real reason he doesn't want Kevin in the main house. "I don't have feelings for Lucy," says Robbie. "I was never in love with her. I was in love with Mary." Apparently, this is news to Kevin, who didn't even know that Mary and Robbie were once an item. Kevin tells Robbie that he should do something about his lingering feelings for Mary, since he obviously still carries a torch for her. "I thought you called your brother and told him to move here so he and Mary could get back together," says Robbie. Kevin argues that Ben will never take his advice, and urges Robbie yet again to pursue Mary. Robbie accuses Kevin of encouraging his feelings for Mary just so that he won't have any competition for Lucy. Kevin accuses Robbie of having a "little sleepover" in Lucy's room last year. I'm so bored. When is this scene going to end?
Down in the kitchen, Annie doesn't think it's a good idea for Simon to move into the garage. "In what world do sixteen-year-olds have their own apartments, Simon?" The twins, who are still being fed, like, eleven hours later, back her up. Simon argues that Kevin wants to move into the house. Annie has a hard time believing that Kevin would want to give up his privacy and move back in with everyone else. Ruthie enters. "Why would you need your own apartment?" asks Ruthie coyly. "He doesn't," says Annie, putting the kibosh on the whole plan. Simon asks when RevCam is going to be home, obviously hoping to get a second opinion. According to Annie, RevCam is going to be late. "You let Mary date a guy as old as Dad and you won't even let me have my own apartment?" asks Simon. "That's really lame, Simon," says Annie, exiting to go do laundry. Ruthie asks Simon slyly if he needs the garage apartment as an office for the business he's running. Simon drops his head. "Can a guy under eighteen get arrested for soliciting?" asks Ruthie. Simon asks Ruthie how she knows about the escorting. "Deductive reasoning," answers Ruthie. Simon tries to sugarcoat the situation by explaining how he's helping these lonely women, but Ruthie isn't buying it. "If you don't stop," says Ruthie, "something bad is going to happen to you." Kevin enters and tells Ruthie to stop being a "stool pigeon." They have a "sassy" exchange. Ruthie exits. Kevin gives Simon a warning about his escort service leading to nothing but trouble. "Are you going to tell the CamRents?" asks Simon. "As I said before," says Kevin. "No one likes a stool pigeon." Lucy enters with a Mary J. Blige 'do. "Robbie said that you said that Mary told you that Robbie and I slept together," she says. Kevin winces, as he is now officially a stool pigeon. Simon exits. Lucy and Kevin fight about something I don't even want to pay attention to. Kevin resolves the tension by forcing her into a lip lock. "You can't just do that every time I talk to you about something serious," says Lucy, waving her gangsta bitch manicure around and stomping off. "Man, I love that woman," says Kevin to himself.
Meanwhile, in the backyard, RevCam is sitting alone all by himself. BritneyClone enters. "Hi Reverend Camden," she says. "I wasn't sure if I was supposed to use the back door or the front door." No comment. She asks if Simon is home. RevCam confirms that everyone except Mary is home. BC makes a snarky comment about Mary dating someone as old as RevCam, then changes into confessional mode and starts making veiled references to doing something she knows she shouldn't have done. RevCam immediately sympathizes, because he talked to Mary against Annie's wishes. And we have to sit through a commercial break before we can find out what BritneyClone did that was so wrong.
After the commercial break, RevCam enters the CamPound and starts screaming for Simon's head. Simon meets him in the kitchen, where RevCam is counting to ten. "Did you take money from BritneyClone to take her out last weekend?" Simon is all, "She offered!" Kevin and Annie, who are in the kitchen as well, overhear the whole exchange. Kevin exits to the upstairs and reports the news back to Lucy, Robbie, and Ruthie. Simon's dating service is news to Lucy. "Why didn't anyone tell me?" she asks, waving around her nail tips. "Because no one likes a stool pigeon," says Ruthie pointedly. "At least that's what Kevin said." Lucy gets mad at Kevin for keeping stuff from her when he's supposed to be her boyfriend. Kevin sends her upstairs to talk to Robbie while he has a chat with Ruthie. Instead of doing what millions of viewers lust for every week and slapping the shit out of Ruthie, Kevin verbally reprimands Ruthie for ratting out Kevin to Lucy. And may I remind everyone that all Ruthie has really done is to tell Lucy that Kevin knew about Simon, so I don't know what he's so upset about…or what Lucy is so upset about, for that matter. Ruthie asks Kevin if he and Lucy are having sexual problems. Uh, yeah. It's called "not getting any." Kevin tells her that her question is inappropriate. "I'm going through a transitional phase," explains Ruthie. Die, Ruthie, die!
Back down in the kitchen, Simon apologizes to the CamRents for being a rent boy. (See what I just did there?) He then announces his intentions to apologize to BritneyClone and give her a refund. The CamRents nod with approval. "And then I'm going to apologize to all of the other girls and give them their money back," says Simon. The CamRents look confused. D'oh! They didn't know about the others. RevCam is all, "The others?" Annie gives her trademark full-on hag face of disapproval.
Upstairs, Robbie tells Lucy that he's still in love with Mary. Lucy tells Robbie that while Mary might not be in love with Captain Smith, she's still in love with Ben and only dating Captain Smith to get back at Ben. Oh please, like there's no other reason to fuck Grant Goodeve than to get back at someone. Lucy tells Robbie not to tell Mary about his love for her. She leaves to go check on Ruthie and Kevin. Robbie picks up the phone and calls Mary anyway. He gets her machine. "Hey, remember when you were trying to get me back last year?" he says. The machine hangs up on him.
Back down in the CamKitchen, Simon, Annie and RevCam are rehashing the whole male prostitution storyline some more. "You mean to tell me that everyone told you to stop and you just kept on making dates?" asks RevCam. "I'm not the only one who doesn't listen," says Simon, referring to everyone talking to Mary about Captain Smith despite Annie's orders not to.
Back upstairs, Lucy bitches out Kevin for encouraging Robbie to get back together with Mary. Kevin defends himself by pointing out that Ben is getting tired of Mary's ambivalence, and is put off by the fact that she's been sucking on that leathery dad-sicle all summer. The doorbell rings. Kevin runs to answer it. D'oh! It's Ben! The CamRents come to the door to see who it is. "Is Mary home?" asks Ben. Sensitive synthesizer music plays as RevCam reveals that Mary isn't home and might not be coming home anytime soon.
After the Cam-mercial break, Ben is eating a man-sized sandwich in the kitchen with Kevin and explaining that he's shipped all his things and transferred to Glenoak to be with Mary. Kevin encourages Ben to go back to Buffalo before it's too late. "To tell you the truth," says Kevin, "I don't know what I'm doing here either." He explains that he's madly in love with Lucy, but she doesn't feel the same way. "Don't give up so easily," advises Ben. "It may be too late for me but Lucy's right upstairs." And she's not dating a middle-aged man, either! ["…Yet." -- Sars]
Upstairs, Lucy is trying to get Ruthie to go downstairs and eavesdrop on Kevin and Ben. Ruthie refuses to eavesdrop ever again. She likes Kevin, because he's a "serious dude who treats me like a grown-up." Ruthie and Lucy discuss the definition of "growing up" and how it relates to "showing other people consideration." Kevin knocks at the bedroom door. Ruthie excuses herself to go down and say hello to Ben. "I think that would be the considerate thing to do!" she says snarkily. Whatever. Kevin and Lucy talk things over and decide to take things slowly, because Lucy isn't ready to get serious. Kevin says he'll wait until she's ready.
Back in the CamRents' bedroom, RevCam and Annie sit on opposite sides of the bed with their backs to each other; RevCam explains that Captain Smith told him that Mary moved down to Ft. Lauderdale to be with Captain Smith, since that's where he's based. "They thought it would be better for them," says RevCam. "I asked you not to say anything to her," says Annie. "I asked everyone not to say anything to her...because I was the first person to say something to her." "I feel so much better," says RevCam. "Because now we're all in this together." They fall down into lying positions on the bed just like that shot from the credits and agree to keep praying that Mary gets back together with Ben.
Down in the CamKitchen, Ruthie tries to get a gift out of Ben. He gives her some perfume. "You airported me," says Ruthie, accusing Ben of picking up her gift at the airport. "So should we talk about this boy you like?" asks Ben. "Or this mess that Simon is in?" Ben then holds his smile for a very very long time like he's waiting for them to yell "cut" already.
Back out on the back porch, BritneyClone and Simon have a talk. Simon explains that he's angry, and that he's never going to be able to see BritneyClone again because he's going to be grounded for the rest of his life. "You could have made me listen to you instead of telling my dad!" BritneyClone is all, "Maybe if I'd have paid you to listen!" She hands five bucks to Simon. "The word out on the streets is that one of your dates is pregnant! She was paying you to take her out so that when her parents find out, they'll think the baby is yours! Now who doesn't understand the consequences of his actions!" And with that, she stomps off. Okay, let's review: Going on chaste dates for money is bad, because one of your customers might accuse you of fathering her children. Jeez, what's Simon going to do? Oh, if only there was some way of comparing samples of one's genetic material in order to determine their relationship to an illegitimate offspring…hey, wait!