It's the night of the rehearsal dinner, and Dopey and his wife are in the CamKitchen. She's moaning about how bad she feels that she and Dopey are not at the rehearsal dinner. And she'd had such high hopes for the wedding. What did she want to accomplish again? "Get married, with our families, thereby bringing us, them and our two faiths together forever." I think she's being overly optimistic about the effect her wedding is going to have on the history of Judeo-Christian relations, but if she wants to dream, I won't stop her. In case you missed last week's episode, Dopey helpfully expositions, "I figured we were gonna have some drama, but I never figured the drama would be your dad refusing to marry us and my father refusing to show up." Dopey wisely suggests that they just tell their parents they're already married and then head off to New York. Plot Contrivance says, "So you just want to give up and run away?" I don't get it. What would Dopey be giving up on? A fake wedding that's setting PC's parents back thousands of dollars? Why is she trying to imply that this whole phony shebang serves some higher purpose? Dude, it's just a hackneyed way to write Barry Watson off the show, okay? PC suggests that they deputize their mothers to convince their fathers to get along. If there's more to this super plan, we don't get to hear it, since PC is distracted when she bites into her sandwich and discovers it's nothing but white bread and mayonnaise. I'm really not surprised that this would be Dopey's favorite sandwich. It's kind of the food equivalent of himself. However, I don't see him indulging in any of his sandwich creations. PC uses this opportunity to make the trite observation that if she can get used to eating white bread and mayonnaise, "anything is possible." Maybe that's true, but if you're hoping it's possible that this episode will be exciting, I think you'd better not hold your breath.
This week's Opening Credits Timewaster has a new twist. Instead of showing Annie tidying up the CamKitchen or…Annie tidying up the CamKitchen, this time it's Rosina Conehead tidying up the GlassKitchen. Revolutionary! And believe me, it's every bit as exciting as Annie tidying up the CamKitchen. Rabbi Richard walks in and starts arguing with Rosina about the same old stuff. He doesn't want his daughter to marry someone who's not Jewish. Yeah, I think that's been covered already. Rosina points out that Dopey is willing to convert, but Richard is finally ready to admit that Matt's desire to convert has more to do with him wanting to marry PC than with any good reasons. Rosina wisely glosses over this and concentrates on trying to sell her husband on the strength of Dopey and PC's beautiful love for each other. She points out that if Richard hadn't been Jewish and her parents had forbidden her to marry him, she would not have listened to them. Richard looks like he's about to have a big epiphany, but that disaster is averted as he shrugs and goes back to eating his cereal. Rosina freaks on him, shouting, "By all means, eat, be merry and mess up this kitchen, the way you're messing up our daughter's life!" Whew! That dialogue is a little strained even by 7th Heaven standards.
Ruthie opens the trapdoor to the unfinished garage Treehouse to see that Robbie is indeed living there. He even has furniture. Since Ruthie spent all of last episode moving Robbie's stuff into the Treehouse, I'm assuming that she moved the heavy furniture up there herself too. Hey, don't forget -- in Glenoak, "anything is possible." International Pop Sensation Joy is up in the Treehouse with Robbie. Oops, my mistake. That's actually just a poster of her, but since it's out-acting the real Joy, I'm sure you can understand how it's an easy mistake to make. The fact that Robbie even has that poster up on his wall is a little strange. I wonder if Joy had it made up for him at one of those Glamour Shots places. Robbie invites Ruthie into his apartment and then starts sulking about how Simon and Ruthie have been treating him. He's made the decision to live in this prison instead of the CamPound prison because he's "not family, and when you think about it, only family should be living in the house." Okay, I've thought about it, and I still have no idea what Robbie's talking about. Ruthie seems disappointed that he's not leaving altogether. He says he'd consider leaving, but only if Ruthie explains why she, his "best friend in the house," is suddenly turning on him. Ruthie refuses to explain. I can take a crack at it if you like, Robbie. I suspect that since it's the last show of the season, and the writers are obviously exceptionally burned out, this is the best excuse they could come up with for a subplot. There -- did that help?
Back in the CamPound, Dopey and RevCam are having a very manly confrontation in the upstairs hallway. Matt tells his father that if RevCam doesn't attend the wedding, Dopey will never forgive him. RevCam in turn promises not to forgive Dopey if he converts. It's a standoff, I guess. Dopey says, "I wonder which one of us will win, or if we'll both just lose." Since RevCam will be back on the show season, and Dopey won't, I think we have our answer.
Mary walks into the bedroom she shares with Lucy to find her younger sister upset because Mary hasn't been around to help her deal with the whole Officer Kevin situation. Man, sometimes the show's bimbo-fication of Lucy really gets me down. Mary is polite, for once, as she tries to explain to Lucy that she's had a really long day. Lucy doesn't let her finish, though, as she cuts in to say that she's met a guy. This would be that creepy airport psycho, Doug, from last week's show. Mary says she thought Lucy was serious about Kevin. Lucy is miffed because Kevin won't move to Glenoak after two dates. Yeah, what a jerk. This conversation is put aside for the moment as Lucy takes Mary to task for refusing Ben's wedding proposal. She tells Mary, "I know you like [Ben], maybe even love him." That's right, Mary likes Ben. In view of that, she is obviously crazy to have turned down his wedding proposal. Congratulations, Brenda and company. I think that may be the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Ever. Well done.
Rosina is on the phone with Annie, saying how glad she is that Annie called, since she wanted to apologize for not being at the rehearsal dinner. If she feels that bad about it, you'd think she would have called Annie herself, but maybe she's just not bright enough to figure out how to make an outgoing telephone call. That doesn't exactly bode well for the immediate future, in which Rosina and Annie are about to put together a plan to persuade their husbands to attend the wedding.
And speaking of lame-brained plans, Buffalo's Boring Brother Beaus (tm Whofleck) have gone through with theirs to come to Glenoak so they can talk to Mary and Lucy. Pea-Brained Moron Kevin asks his brother if they've made the right decision. Ben replies, "We're in love with those nuts, so they left us no other choice but to fly cross-country and try to work things out with them." I don't know about that. It seems to me the smarter choice would have been to take all the money they used for last-minute airline tickets and spend it on hookers and crack, but that's just me. All I can say to Kevin is that if you ask a stupid question, you'll get a stupid answer. That's okay for Kevin, though, since he really is a pea-brained moron. He tells Ben that he's asked the police chief "for a transfer to the Glenoak police force." And I'll bet the chief is still laughing his ass off right now over how dim Kevin must be to think he can just "transfer" between completely separate and unrelated police departments like that. In case you're not absolutely convinced that Kevin is the stupidest man alive, the fact that he is moving across the country to be with Lucy -- Lucy! -- should clinch it for you.
It's the morning of the wedding, and Annie is telling Eric what all the family members are up to. It cracks me up that Dopey is allegedly packing up his stuff today. But then, doesn't everybody wait until the last possible minute to do things around here? I'd imagine that after he packs up his stuff, Matt will be calling the airlines to get some expensive last-minute airline tickets for his honeymoon. Eric still hasn't changed his mind about attending the wedding, and quite frankly, I don't know why Annie's expending so much energy in trying to change his mind. I'm sure everyone will have a much better time without his sulky ass at the reception.
Over at the Glass house, Rosina has managed to get another rabbi to perform the wedding ceremony. You know, none of this would be necessary if the young couple would simply own up to the fact that they're already married. We could all skip this sham of a wedding and just knock back some drinks at the reception. But no, someone felt the need to drag out this miserable excuse for a plot, so we are forced to see Richard calling up Rabbi Silverman to see if Rosina really did get him to agree to perform the ceremony. Then we have to listen to him drone on and on about how he thinks this is all part of a plan Rosina has to make him upset so that he will change his mind and perform the wedding ceremony. Mercifully, Rosina cuts him off to say that she and Plot Contrivance are leaving to get their hair and make-up done. She also lets him know that she's sending his parents around so that he can tell them himself that he won't be attending PC's wedding. Richard looks pained to hear that, but since he always looks kind of pained anyway, I wouldn't take much notice of that.
Dopey really is spending his wedding day packing up his stuff. Great planning. When Simon comes in, Dopey tries to explain why he didn't ask his brother to be his best man. He says that Simon views the role of best man as "some sort of passing of the older-brother baton," and that he doesn't think Simon is ready to take on the position of older brother. Yes, Simon will be the oldest male sibling in the household after Dopey leaves, but there's really nothing Dopey can do about that, unless he's got some really weird time-shifting superpowers we don't know about. Of course, Simon will only be an older brother to Ruthie and the twins, which is exactly what he is now anyway, so I'm not sure how his status will really change once his brother departs. I'm going to ignore the fact that Dopey seems to feel that possessing a penis entitles him to tell his siblings what to do. That idea is just a little too offensive for my taste. Dopey goes on to explain that, by asking Robbie to be his best man, he was hoping to establish Robbie as a role model Simon could look up to. Hey, I never realized Matt actually put any thought into who would be his best man. Didn't he just offhandedly ask Robbie the day before, and only because Simon reminded him he didn't have a best man already? Way to go, writers. Not only have you totally thrown out any of the genuine, heartwarming reasons people pick their honor attendants -- such as wanting to have a close friend be an important part of a wedding -- but now you've turned it into this patriarchal, offensive bullshit? Ugh. Dopey tries to soften the blow with some twaddle about how Simon has always been his "best man." It's totally ridiculous, but Simon falls for it anyway.
Up in the Treehouse, it's time for this week's obligatory pointless appearance by the twins. Ruthie has brought them up there so Robbie can help her take care of them, but he's busy writing his best man speech, so he kicks Ruthie out. He says the twins can stay, though. I'm sure he doesn't really want them to stay, but he's obviously trying to teach Ruthie a lesson. He asks if Ruthie is ready to apologize to him yet, but she is not. She takes off, leaving the twins behind. Robbie rolls his eyes at them in irritation, in much the same way that the majority of viewers do, no doubt.
At the Glenoak Airport, Lucy and Mary are standing around with Annie's parents. Much frantic waving ensues as the Colonel and Ruth are spotted, and then everyone has to put their acting into overdrive to convince us that they're all really happy to see each other. The great joy doesn't last for long, though, as Lucy is forced to tell everyone that RevCam refuses to attend the wedding. When Ruth wonders if there will be a wedding, Annie's dad peevishly asks, "Are you telling me that I've been wanded and strip-searched for nothing?" It's been a while since I've heard a good intentional joke on this show, so it took me a couple of moments to realize that that was one of them. The Colonel decides it's time for him to save the day, so he demands that his granddaughters take him to Eric. Stirring superhero-esque music plays in the background as the Colonel goes off to find a phone booth so he can change into his moron-fighting cape.
In the CamKitchen, RevCam is playing a game of solitaire. Given a choice between attending Dopey's wedding or playing solitaire, what would you do? The Colonel arrives and cuts right to the chase, demanding to know why RevCam won't be at the wedding. When Eric tells his father that Dopey is planning to convert to Judaism, the Colonel says, "Who cares?" I think he just earned my respect with those two simple words. RevCam says, "I care." Yes, Eric, but you really shouldn't. The Colonel tries to make him see reason by comparing RevCam's feelings now to how he felt when Eric rejected the Marines in favor of the ministry. Come on, already -- can't you just get to the part where RevCam learns a valuable lesson? The whole scene is just boring pap, except for the part where the Colonel insists that if Matt "goes out in the world and does some good, it doesn't really make any difference if he's Christian or Jewish." I agree with the sentiment, but isn't that a pretty big "if"?
Lucy and Mary are in the living room, anxiously awaiting the results of the Colonel's pep talk with RevCam, when the doorbell rings. Lucy answers the door to find Kevin and Ben grinning at her moronically. Without saying a word, she closes the door on them. I see that the rest of her manners are about as lovely as her phone manners. She tells Mary to answer the door instead. Buffalo's Boring Brother Beaus are still standing there moronically, but at least they're not grinning anymore. It should come as no great surprise to anyone that Mary also slams the door in their faces.
In the Treehouse, Robbie is telling Simon about all the best man arrangements he's made for Dopey. This, of course, includes the two cousins of Plot Contrivance who will be bringing all the wedding gifts to the reception. I really want to meet the freak who came up with that idea. No, really -- I do. Unless Robbie means that someone will be taking the gifts the couple receives at the synagogue and bringing them to the reception. No, I prefer to think that Brenda and company actually believe that an important part of the reception is to set up a big-ass display of all the wedding gifts, including those that were properly delivered to PC's parents' house earlier, so that people can admire them. Please don't shatter my illusions. Simon couldn't care less about the gifts, in any case; he's just here to apologize to Robbie and tell him what a great member of the family he is. In fact, he wants to set himself and Robbie up as co-patriarchs after Dopey leaves. His exact words are: "What do you say we both take over for Matt and keep an eye on things around here?" That really is the worst idea I've heard in a long time. Unless you count the tacky displaying of the wedding gifts at the reception, of course. Simon helpfully offers up the best man speech he wrote for Dopey, and Robbie is thrilled to use it. Well, that pretty effectively removes any degree of the personal from Robbie's stint as Dopey's best man. Since I'm sure Robbie won't even read over Simon's speech before he delivers it at the reception, I can only hope Simon jazzed it up with a few fine swear words and maybe some nasty stuff about International Pop Sensation Joy.
Dopey is packing up some of his ugly, shiny shirts when RevCam walks in to apologize. Obviously, Dopey has to accept the apology, since this episode is so heartwarming, you know. He does tell his father that he will be converting eventually, just not today, and RevCam expresses his support. Some manly hugging rounds out the scene.
Mary and Lucy are upstairs in their bedroom, looking nervous. Mary wonders if Buffalo's Boring Brother Beaus are still outside the front door. I'm guessing they are, since they probably figured the sisters just didn't see them. In fact, I'll bet they're still frantically knocking on the door to get someone's attention. As it turns out, I'm wrong. Ruthie has spoken to them and invited them to Dopey's wedding. Lucy says she's glad she'll have time to cancel her date with that creepy airport psycho dude. Mary informs everyone that if Ben proposes to her again, she will have to break up with him. She seems a little sure of her charms, doesn't she? Ruthie sarcastically asks, "Who are you, and what did you do with Mary Camden?" Then, when Lucy asks if she should tell Officer Kevin about her date with the creepy airport psycho dude, Ruthie cuts her down too, saying, "It's finally happened. [Lucy's] more crazy than [Mary]." Yeah, "crazy" works there, but wouldn't "stupid" be even more accurate?
Over at the Glass house, there is a knock at the door, which the closed captioning helpfully describes as a "doorbell." Rabbi Richard answers the door to see RevCam, who, I'm sure, is exactly the person we were all expecting in the cliché-fest this episode is turning into. Both men apologize and agree not to insult each other. Then Richard gets down to business and explains why he has been acting like such a dick. His explanation doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but maybe I'm just distracted by the fact that every sentence contains at least one "you know," and that Richard's delivery makes me wonder if he just finished shooting up a whole lot of heroin. When the "explanation" is done, RevCam says that Dopey is still planning to convert, and that's he's not doing it to please anybody else, but rather to "unify his family." Would that reason even make it past a real, responsible rabbi? The irresponsible, unbelievable rabbi on this show agrees to perform the wedding ceremony, however, and he offers RevCam the chance to co-officiate. He even offers him roast beef sandwiches. The way he's rhapsodizing about the roast beef is kind of weird, especially in combination with all the chemistry between these two in this scene. Is it possible that the roast beef is some sort of metaphor for his own, uh, meat? While I'm not sure what's going on in this scene, RevCam obviously understands, and he and Richard walk out of the room arm-in-arm.
At the synagogue, people are starting to arrive for the wedding. Mary and Lucy and Ruthie are just standing around in their bridesmaids' dresses, looking dorky. I've certainly seen worse bridesmaids' dresses, but these are no prize. They look kind of like black-and-white sausage casings with spaghetti straps. And here come Buffalo's Boring Brother Beaus. With nowhere to hide and no doors to slam in the guys' faces, Mary and Lucy have to talk to the brothers.
Mary tells Ben that she doesn't want to get married, and he echoes the sentiment. For once, Mary displays some common sense, as she asks him why he proposed to her, then. He says he did it because he didn't want to lose her. Ah, so romantic! I remember when my childhood friend was experiencing difficulties with her boyfriend. They decided that all their problems would be solved by getting married. When marriage didn't magically repair anything, and they started cheating on each other, they decided that all their problems would be solved by having a child. Of course, they're long divorced by now. Sorry, where was I? It's so easy to get sidetracked when Mary and Ben's problems are so damn boring. Mary is telling Ben that he won't lose her unless he makes her give up her job. She's got some wacky idea that, because she's a flight attendant and he's a firefighter, one of them will have to give up their job. Yeah, that didn't make much sense to me either, but look at the source. When Ben tells her that he'll never ask her to give up her job, Mary hugs him and asks if she can wear his class ring. Aw, they're going steady! He slides the ring onto the ring finger of her right hand, just so there will be no misunderstanding about them not being engaged. The ring fits Mary perfectly, which makes me wonder just how dainty Ben's fingers must be.
Mercifully, we're spared Lucy's explanation to Kevin of how she picked up that creepy airport psycho dude. Really, it shouldn't come as any surprise to Kevin that Lucy likes to pick up guys at the airport, considering how he met her. Unfortunately, we're not spared Kevin's protestations of his desire to spend the rest of his life with Lucy. He has, however, decided to cancel his transfer to Glenoak and take things a little slower with Lucy. Hee hee! His work transfer! That still kills me. Officer Kevin teases Lucy by asking if that creepy airport psycho dude is at the wedding. When Lucy says he is not, Kevin says, "Good, because I brought my gun, and I'd hate to have to use it." Lucy takes about half an hour to realize that he's joking. Considering how unfunny it is to joke about shooting people, I guess I can understand.
Ruthie sees Dopey walking toward her. He's buttoning up his jacket -- to cover up the ugly, garish red vest he's wearing, I assume. He stops to ask Ruthie why she's mad at Robbie. She says that while Simon doesn't stand a chance of becoming the Dopey, Robbie does, and she doesn't want to get as attached to Robbie as she is to Dopey, in case Robbie should leave also. Convoluted, no? I can't believe it's the rationale for the entire subplot that's been wasting our time for two episodes now. Dopey subtly reinforces the usual patriarchal crap by implying that Ruthie must now look up to Robbie and Simon. She submits meekly.
As Dopey leaves, Robbie walks up, right on cue. Ruthie learns that he's been eavesdropping on her entire conversation with Dopey. She wryly says, "How very Camden of you," which is a lovely shout-out to all of us. Robbie says he's sorry that Ruthie likes him so much, and then they hug. Huh. That sure was weird.
Plot Contrivance is admiring herself in front of a mirror while adjusting her ugly wedding dress. In walks Rabbi Richard. PC gives him a hard time by pretending she's not going to let him marry her, but of course she gives in. Laraine Newman overacts wildly to show how emotional this reconciliation is supposed to be.
Annie and RevCam are having a reconciliation of their own out in the hallway. As Annie tearfully asks RevCam if he's okay with everything, he tells her that he is. Thank God Dopey interrupts them before this scene can get any more maudlin. They are joined by the irrepressible Doc. He's as irritating as ever. Big surprise there. When Annie tells him how "dashing" he looks in his "tux," he says something about having to beat off the women with a stick. Everyone looks skeptical.
It's time for the wedding ceremony. How sad that Plot Contrivance has no friends of her own and must resort to using Mary, Lucy, and Ruthie as her bridesmaids. In fact, since Mary is standing on the top step, opposite Robbie, I can only assume that she is PC's maid of honor. There is one token member of PC's family in the bridal party: a flower girl who looks eerily like Ruthie. After she walks down the aisle, we see the bride. She's doing that weird wedding walk you never see anymore -- the one where you bring your feet together between every step. That's the walk that every minister of every wedding I've been in has told us not to do. PC is smiling a tad too brilliantly for such a fake wedding, and it looks as though she left her Crest White Strips on too long last night. Annie looks like she's about to have an asthma attack, while Barry Watson just looks like he's glad to be leaving the show.
Richard makes a few opening remarks, annoyingly introducing RevCam as his "co-pilot." Then RevCam begins the ceremony. He waits a really long time after asking if there is anyone who is protesting the wedding, but it seems that the fact that Dopey and PC are already married has been relegated to the area reserved for "plots whose stupidity we didn't realize until it was too late." That's right -- the whole issue has been conveniently swept under the carpet. I wonder what's going to happen when either RevCam or Rabbi Richard try to file the marriage papers. But let's not worry about that now. Dopey and PC are reciting their Christian wedding vows. Hey, what happened to the word "obey"? Annie pushes the twins up to the front. They're the ring bearers, and they look particularly stupid in their fugly red vests, bow ties, and bloomers. I suppose it's better than putting them into miniature tuxedoes, but not by much.
Finally, we get to the traditional breaking of the glass. Rabbi Richard explains the custom, and then RevCam places a glass wrapped in a napkin by Matt's foot. When the Dopester steps on it, it makes a dull snapping sound, which makes me wonder if Dopey has broken the glass or his ankle. Everyone shouts, "Mazel tov!" though it takes Annie a while longer than everyone else to get the words out. As Dopey and PC kiss, RevCam reaches over to hug Rabbi Richard. There's a bit of confusion there, and at first it looks like he's going in for a kiss himself, but eventually they get it sorted out.
And that's it. Dopey and his bride are married. Again.