I Really Don't

S06E15

Hi! Welcome to the recap of what just may be the most stupid and offensive episode of 7th Heaven ever! The story opens with Dopey in his frilly bedroom, avidly poring through an issue of Brides magazine. Oddly enough, he looks pretty natural doing it. Robbie comes in and laughs uproariously at him, wanting to know if he's looking for a bride. Dopey finally admits that he is, which has to be one of the weirder things I've ever heard. After all, the year is not 1860. Still, Matt declares his intention of marrying the woman he dates. In that case, I can only hope that his date is a psychotic mime who likes to spend thousands a month on psychic hotlines. And high-grade heroin, of course. Hey, he made a promise! Right? Robbie isn't exactly awestruck by Matt's ridiculous plan, and he says, "It just seems odd to me that this is the thing you've chosen to worry about." So true. You'd hope Dopey would be worrying more about how awful his hair is, or about the fact that he's turned into such a creepy patriarchal stalker. Instead, he's obsessed with getting married. It's kind of scary that Robbie is the voice of reason in this scene, as he very sensibly explains that Dopey is already taking on a lot by going to med school. I giggle, as I always do when anyone mentions the notion of Matt and medical school. Dopey treats Robbie to a story about how one of the women in his Brides magazine got her husband to propose to her. Robbie's about as underwhelmed by that as I am. He foreshadows the rest of the episode succinctly when he asks Dopey, "You're not going to go out and do anything stupid, are you?"

Today's Opening Credits Timewaster shows Dopey getting dressed, presumably for a date with the woman he will marry -- you know, since he made that vow and all. He experiences some technical difficulties buttoning up his shiny, shiny shirt, so he has to unbutton it and start again, thus giving us a good look at the girly gold medallion he's got nestled in that sexy mat of chest hair. Once I'm done retching for three hours, I turn the VCR back on and see Matt putting on a jacket. This is exciting stuff, Brenda! He goes to the dresser and takes out a hairbrush that looks like it's never been used. Big surprise there. Dopey picks up a mirror, looks at his reflection, and smiles as if he looks super-studly. He puts the hairbrush back down, unused. On behalf of everyone who's ever posted anything about Matt and his hair on our boards, I'd like to thank Brenda for the shout-out.

Out in the hallway, Annie wants to know if Dopey is heading out on a date. He says that he is, so Annie starts badgering him for info about this new girl. Then she tries to coerce him into bringing his date over to the CamPound so that she can grill her about her views on contraception, or examine her teeth, or whatever it is Annie's got in mind. I can't even remember how long I was dating Peeter before we ever arranged any parental meetings. Two years? Three?

In the kitchen, Dopey goes to the fridge and gets a bottle of water. The Camdens are always crying poor, yet they buy expensive bottled water? Why can't they just get a Brita filter like the rest of us poor folks? Dopey drinks his water while Mary and Lucy stare at him. Finally, he uncomfortably says, "What?" Mary asks, "Could we borrow your Brides magazine?" She and Lucy break out into the fakest laughter I've ever heard. Dopey stares them down before saying, "You could, but why would you need to?" He leaves, fake-laughing himself, but when he does it, it's actually funny. The girls look crestfallen, which fills me with disgust. They start speculating on whether Dopey will be married before he gets out of medical school, and Mary demonstrates her stupidity once again by saying, "It's not likely." Mary, that's absurd. Why, he'll be in his late twenties by then! Come to think of it, you better hurry up and get a husband yourself. After all, you're twenty already, and what self-respecting woman isn't married by the age of twenty? Come on! You're just not trying hard enough.

Dopey's in the backyard, taking out a loan from the Bank of Simon. He's a little chagrined because Simon has evidently just dispensed fifty one-dollar bills. Matt must think he'll look like a loser when he goes to pay for his date, as if the hair and the outfit and the personality -- and let's not forget the gold medallion -- wouldn't already have given that away. He complains that he doesn't have time to stop by the ATM, yet he has time to sit around and shoot the breeze with Simon? All right, whatever. After some prodding, Simon comes up with a couple of twenties. When Dopey walks off with all the money, Simon shouts after him, "You plan to spend ninety bucks on some chick you've never even gone out with before?" Relax, Simon. He's probably just planning to take her to a movie and buy her a small popcorn and some Milk Duds. That might be a close call with only ninety dollars, though. He might have to check in at the ATM after all. Oh, but Simon? I'm allowed to call woman "chicks." I'm not sure how I feel about you doing it. Simon adds, "You better marry her!" Har dee har har. Yes, he's been gossiping with other family members about Dopey and his Brides magazine, but since that's par for the course on this show, it hardly seems worth mentioning. We learn that Dopey picked up the magazine from the waiting room of the clinic instead of actually buying it. Does that make me respect him any more? What do you think?

Dopey continues to run the gauntlet of snoopy family members as he encounters Ruthie sitting in the driver's seat of the DopeMobile. Hey, I was freaked out enough when, right after seeing The Blair Witch Project, our car was stolen from the underground car park and there was nothing left but a pile of twigs that had never been there before. I can't even begin to imagine what I'd do if I walked up to my car and saw Ruthie sitting in there in the dark. Yet, amazingly, Dopey does not scream bloody murder. He just submits to her nosy questioning about his date and whether or not the woman is marriage material (he's undecided). Ruthie reassures him that she hasn't told the CamRents about the Brides magazine, but that she did tell the twins. He shouldn't worry about that, though, since as Ruthie points out, the twins "can't communicate." Yeah, but that doesn't stop the writers from giving them lots of terrible lines just the same. Ruthie takes a turn at being the voice of reason when she warns Dopey, "Don't get married just to be getting married." Dopey spews some platitudes about not marrying a woman unless he's in love with her. But isn't that totally at odds with his brilliant plan to marry the woman he dates? Oh, even trying to contemplate the logistics of all this is giving me a colossal headache. Ruthie tells Dopey, "You worry me." Oddly enough, Matt feels the same way about her. Certainly, most people around here find Ruthie a little scary too, even though it's probably not because of what she refers to as her "brain and [her] good looks." Ruthie adds a warning for Matt not to do anything stupid, but I think we can be pretty sure that will fall on deaf ears. Before she lets him go, she tells him that his boss called and wants him to come in to work that evening. Dopey replies, with a straight face, "But I can't go in. I have a date!" I realize dating is a sacred activity to the CamDorks, but I'm not so sure his boss is going to see it the same way.

Oh, great, it's another super scene with RevCam and the twins! One could argue that they communicate better than Ruthie gives them credit for, because one of them says, "Matt marry." At least that's what the closed captioning indicates. RevCam seems to take it this way too, since he replies, "Matt marry? I don't think so." I'm not sure why RevCam would put this construction on it, instead of taking it as the more logical babbling of the twin's siblings' names: "Matt, Mary." Perhaps RevCam is extremely telepathic, though, since when the twin manages to say "bride book," Eric immediately supplies "Brides book," even though he has yet to see the magazine. The other twin helpfully hands the publication over to his father, who assumes it belongs to Lucy and Mary, since they "want to be brides." Twin One insists that it's Matt who wants to be the bride. He laughs, because he knows the image of Dopey in a bridal gown is a funny one.

When RevCam sees Ruthie walk by, he quickly abandons the boring twins, not even bothering to say goodnight to them. He starts quizzing Ruthie about the Brides magazine. Ruthie doesn't tell him anything, but Robbie walks up and wants to borrow the magazine himself. He explains that Dopey is looking for a bride, which RevCam seems to find worrisome, rather than just ludicrous. The three waste their time speculating on Dopey and his date instead of, you know, going out and finding lives, which is what they really should be doing.

Down at the clinic, Dopey is having a boring discussion with his boss about why he's scheduled to work tonight. "But I have a date!" he whines. As predicted, she could not care less, even when Matt whines some more, saying, "It wasn't just any date!" The boss gets in a good dig when she says, "Well, I'm sure. Not just any woman would go out with you." Too dumb to realize he's just been dissed, Dopey continues to confide in his boss that he's looking for a wife and that maybe he would have found her tonight. Inexplicably, the boss doesn't fire his ass on the spot. I know I wouldn't trust anyone that stupid to work for me, particularly not in a medical setting. As the boss walks off, Dopey calls up his date and tells her he has to cancel. What's weird is that he barely knows this woman, yet he knows her telephone number by heart. Maybe he's just an idiot savant, and remembering telephone numbers is his special talent. I wonder if he has any others, like being able to tell you what day of the month Easter fell on in 1642. I don't think stalking or moralizing really count as talents, do you? As he hangs up the phone, another orderly walks up to him and says, "So I hear you're looking for a wife." Instead of then laughing rudely in his face for that, the orderly just smiles flirtatiously and walks away. Okay, we all know where this is going. Can we just go home now?

Oh, but then we'd miss out on all the witty repartee. The mystery orderly runs into Dopey in the hall later and asks him if he's serious about finding a wife. When he says that he is, she still doesn't snicker at him. She asks what he's looking for in a wife. He replies, "I'm looking for someone who can understand the demands of medical school." Oh, good -- if he finds that woman, maybe she'll be able to explain it to him. It may take her a while, though, and she'd better be prepared to draw a bunch of diagrams to help him understand better. Dopey continues with his list of requirements, all predictable, and then asks the woman what she's looking for in a husband. She very sensibly asks, "What makes you think I'm looking for a husband?" Dopey looks taken aback. After all, this is Glenoak, and the woman is obviously over the age of eighteen. He asks, "Isn't everyone looking for someone?" Mystery Orderly says no, which gives me some respect for her. That's shattered pretty quickly, though, as she immediately goes on to list off the qualities she'd like in a husband. Why, they're identical -- I mean word for word -- to what Dopey wants in a wife! Maybe she's an idiot savant too, and her talent is parroting what other people say. It turns out that Dopey had been quoting from the Brides magazine, and this woman has called him on it. Now, that's just weird. I'm so put off by the entire idea of people memorizing quotes from dumb-asses in a bridal magazine that I don't even laugh when she asks if Dopey took the magazine home with him. Oh, who am I kidding? I wouldn't have laughed anyway.

The director uses a not-so-special camera effect to show us that it is a little bit later in the same hallway of the clinic. I keep noticing the poster advertising Zofron, an anti-nausea drug, in the background. Please feel free to supply your own easy joke here. Dopey and his future wife (come on, we all know where this is headed) exchange some more appallingly sophomoric dialogue about why Dopey doesn't have a girlfriend. When she suggests that he may not be able to make a commitment, Matt defensively replies that he's "committed." To what, exactly? "To finding the right woman." Smooth answer, Dopey. Yeah, that's right, smooth as can be.

This still hasn't scared her off, though. After some more lame camera trickery, we see Dopey in an exam room, cleaning off a table. Hmm -- I'm a little surprised, since I would have expected him to be doing something like going through the hamper and sniffing the discarded exam gowns. Oh, well. The mystery woman keeps coming in to the room to ask him more personal questions, like how many children he wants. I don't care how hard the music works to indicate that this scene is humorous, and I don't care how winsomely Barry Watson smiles. This shit still isn't funny.

Nor is the scene, although at least we get a bit of a break from Matt's future bride. Dopey walks into the waiting room and runs into that Doc guy who worked my nerves so hard last season during Matt's psychiatric examination. Dopey asks, "Who's dying?" and Doc responds with some faux-profound crap about how we're all going to die one day. Dopey clarifies his question -- um, I think so, anyway -- by asking, "Don't you just have a habit of showing up when there's a life-and-death crisis?" Oh, you mean for, like, super-duper-important things like that psychiatric evaluation? Well, then. Matt tells Doc that he's thinking of getting married. As Doc is asking who he's planning to marry, the mystery girl walks in. Yeah, we fucking get it, okay? We've all seen TV Guide. Dopey stares at Mystery Orderly for a while, and then Doc starts praising her. Matt says he wasn't talking about her, just that he wants to get married. Doc proves that he's really not as smart as everyone gives him credit for when he says, "Well, good for you. Marriage is a wonderful thing -- someone to love and someone to love you unconditionally all your life." What's with the "unconditional" part? I've only been married a little over a year, and so far it has been wonderful (though, quite frankly, not much different from when we were living together). But this "unconditional" thing is news to me. Does that mean I can do whatever the hell I please and he still has to love me? So I can, like, sleep with anyone else who catches my fancy? Banish any future children to an unfinished garage apartment? Wear a fugly sailor top? "Unconditional," my ass. I'm not sure anyone's going to benefit from hearing marriage spoken of this way. I think Doc from The Love Boat used to give better advice than this. Come to think of it, even Doc Baker from freakin' Little House on the Prairie was a better advisor. Still, 7th Heaven Doc continues spouting inanity as he endorses Dopey's plan to get married as soon as possible. He puts in a plug for the mystery orderly as a suitable wife for Dopey. Her name turns out to be Sarah. Since I don't think Sars could bear to see her own name debased like that for the rest of this season, I think I'm going to have to call this bimbo something else. ["Oh, thank the Lord." -- Sars] Since she's really just a plot contrivance to help get Dopey off the show, that's exactly what I'll call her. I was really hoping that Doc would be saying his adieux by now, but he's still there, dispensing crappy advice prefaced by ridiculous statements like, "Look, you know I know women, so take my advice." Please; I'm not sure how much more of Doc's advice anyone could humanely be expected to take. In fact, isn't there a section on that in the Geneva Convention somewhere? Finally he departs for a night of dancing with Matt's obviously not very selective boss, leaving Plot Contrivance free to coyly suggest that Dopey ask her out for coffee. Matt looks taken aback to be faced by a woman would have the temerity to ask him out on a date. It's a man's place to do the asking, you know!

Annie and RevCam are spending the evening in their lovely Mission-style bed not having adult relations. That's right -- they're passing the time worrying about whether Matt will get married tonight. Like that's normal. Annie anxiously says, "He wouldn't." Then we see Lucy and Mary sitting in the CamKitchen, obviously thinking about their brother as well. Finally, Mary says, "He wouldn't." Cut to Simon and Robbie playing a game of cards. Can you guess what Simon says? I'll give you a hint: It's not a well-thought-out commentary on the works of Kierkegaard and Nietzsche. Ruthie adds her own rendition of the "he wouldn't" theme, and even the twins get in on the "fun." Can't these actors go on strike or something? Surely there must be something in the Screen Actors Guild by-laws that prohibits any actor from being forced to participate in something as dumb as this. Or maybe I'm thinking of the Geneva Convention again.

Dopey is staring at Plot Contrivance while she puts about twelve teaspoons of sugar into her coffee. When she learns that Dopey likes his coffee black, PC forces him to drink some of hers. Isn't that romantic? He still prefers his coffee black. She says, "I find that hard to believe. I do." Wait -- shouldn't she be saying "I really do"? Brenda, how could you let a theme mallet moment like that slip past you? The conversation moves on to siblings, and Plot Contrivance says that she is an only child, which is difficult because her parents focus all their smothering attention on her. She's getting away from it all year when she goes to Columbia, though. Yeah, quite a coincidence that Matt's going there too. How unexpected. We learn that Plot Contrivance is originally from Brooklyn, and that her grandparents still live there. You know, these sorts of conversations can be dull even when you're talking to someone you actually want to sleep with. Why Brenda would think we'd want to know this much about fictional characters as annoying as these is a little more than I can fathom.

Dopey finally gets around to asking what her father does, and seems a little surprised to find out he's a rabbi. Plot Contrivance seems similarly taken aback to learn that Dopey is the son of a minister. At least, I think they're both surprised. Since neither is exactly a master thespian, it's hard to tell. Brenda must have thought so too, since she has them spell it all out for us. Dopey has to explain the difference between Catholicism and Protestantism for his future wife, though in his Cam-centric world, it all boils down to Protestant ministers being allowed to marry. I can't believe a rabbi's daughter bright enough to have been accepted to Columbia would have no idea of what separates Catholics from Protestants, but perhaps Plot Contrivance was too busy memorizing quotes from bridal magazines to ever acquire that knowledge. Looking kind of sad, she says, "You know, I have to say, I didn't see that coming." Neither did Dopey. Plot Contrivance asks, "You had no hint that I was Jewish?" Well, obviously Matt's not as up on his stereotypes as Brenda, or he might have clued in when PC mentioned being from Brooklyn and having a mother who's overbearing. Plot Contrivance says, "So I guess I should say, 'Thank you for the coffee and have a nice life.'" Dopey spookily mentions that he's looking for someone to marry him, not his father, but Plot Contrivance thinks it's her father who will have a problem with her marrying a Christian. Did I miss something here? Like the part where these two actually decided they were going to get married?

Religion be damned, Plot Contrivance obviously finds Matt too scrumptious to pass up, so she asks him for another date the following evening, when she will introduce him to her parents and meet the CamRents. Sounds splendid. The two discuss whether they are actually on a date right now; Plot Contrivance is not sure, since they came in separate cars. Is that another tidbit she picked up from one of her beloved bridal magazines? They don't come to any conclusions on whether this really constitutes a date, so they move on to discuss tomorrow's "real date," which will also include dinner. Plot Contrivance mentions that she likes red meat. Dopey proves how compatible they are by also liking red meat. Wow! I wonder if they both like breathing oxygen too, or maybe they both think it would be scary to die. That would totally clinch the deal. I guess we'll find out in one of their future conversations, which will, no doubt, prove to be as tedious as this one.

Back in the CamBoudoir, Brenda throws the CamRents a couple of token lines, but they all have to do with being worried about the Dopester. Annie suggests that RevCam go stalk Matt, but RevCam's too tired. Wow, I've never known him to turn down a stalking op before.

Remember those delightful scenes before, where every member of the family was saying "he wouldn't"? Well, this now gets repeated, with Lucy and Robbie saying, "Where would we look for him?" It's a terrible premise and a terrible line, and the terrible acting ensures that this comes off as some of the hokiest primetime television ever.

Ruthie performs a "middle of the show -- damn, I'm tired of thinking up crappy dialogue" timewaster by waking up and going downstairs to look at the twins while they sleep. Yes, it's as exciting as it sounds. Then she throws open the door to the Hello Kitty room, where she catches Dopey taking off his pants. He shrieks with modesty and falls over. This brings the rest of the CamFam running to ask, "Where have you been?!" The gimmick of having them all say it in unison turns this scene into comic gold! Dopey tells them about being out with Plot Contrivance, and promises them that they can meet her tomorrow night. Ruthie asks the obvious question I always like to ask my friends after they've been out on a first date: "Are you gonna marry her?" When Dopey says, "I might," everyone looks at each other in consternation, giving this scene the look and feel of a junior high school drama production -- one with exceptionally untalented participants.

Ah, it's finally time for Richard Lewis's guest appearance as Plot Contrivance's father. You know, I've never liked him much, and I don't expect that tonight is gonna turn all that around. Sure enough, he's already annoying me by his second line. Evidently, he had to rush to this shoot from the dentist's office and didn't leave adequate time for the Novocain to wear off. But that's okay, because that whole look complements the Botox he must have had injected all over the rest of his face the week before. He asks why Dopey is looking for a wife outside of his faith. Dopey babbles some nonsense about how he's not necessarily looking outside his faith, and shouldn't the most important thing be that he has faith? Rabbi Richard doesn't agree. He's just about to explain why Plot Contrivance can't marry anyone who's not Jewish, but he's interrupted by the arrival of the little bridal magazine aficionada herself, who admonishes her father to be polite to her friend. Rabbi Richard points out that Dopey is more than a friend, which is just stupid, since PC just met him last night. That hardly even makes him a friend, does it? Not in my book, anyway.

We're saved from this stupid discussion when Laraine Newman walks in. She will always be Connie Conehead to me. You know, I used to like her a lot, but I have a feeling this episode is going to change all of that. I did a Google search on her, which revealed that she's been keeping busy doing voice work. That's cool, that's dignified. Appearing on 7th Heaven is neither cool nor dignified. I'm afraid Laraine's funniest line is delivered once she says, "You must be Matt. How lovely to meet you. You do understand why we don't want our daughter to marry you, don't you?" I'm not sure what kind of accent she's trying to do. Generic country club? Rabbi Richard finally gets around to explaining why PC's husband must be Jewish -- if you can call this an explanation: "Our dream is for you to have a nice Jewish husband and raise nice Jewish children and carry on our nice Jewish faith, of which this friend of yours you want to marry knows nothing."

Now, as the daughter of an atheist and a semi-lapsed Lutheran, I won't even pretend to have the qualifications to comment on Jewish customs or traditions. Most of what I've learned I've picked up through friends, a couple of Religious Studies courses, a natural interest in all religions and comments y'all have made in the forum. Heck, I can't even keep track of Christianity, so if I get anything wrong here, please forgive me. Better yet, email me and set me straight. On the other hand, I'm not nearly as clueless as Brenda Hampton, who sometimes reminds me of my stupid ex-friend Ulle, who called one night -- almost halfway through the advanced Religious Studies course we were both taking -- to ask, "So, in the Bible, there's an Old Testament and New Testament, right?"

So, to get back to Rabbi Richard's explanation, I can't help but wonder about a couple of things. First of all, wouldn't Sarah's children be considered Jewish? And secondly, can't Dopey convert? Or if he doesn't want to do that, can't he at least learn enough about Judaism to ensure that he can help teach his children? I realize it's more complicated than that, but people go through interfaith marriages all the time and raise perfectly lovely, well-adjusted children who respect and understand the faiths of both parents. Why can't Dopey and Plot Contrivance? Ah, but I'm forgetting that they're a couple of idiots savants whose only talents are remembering phone numbers and quoting from people interviewed in bridal magazines. Dopey asserts that he can learn about Judaism. You know, I have to wonder why I'm worried about my own scanty knowledge of Jewish custom when Rabbi Richard seems to know even less. Rather than explain why interfaith marriages are traditionally forbidden, Rabbi Richard starts talking some crap about how Matt will be too busy in med school learning about the "new germs and diseases" to learn about Sarah's religion. This makes him sound about as moronic as his future son-in-law. Laraine doesn't help matters any when she keeps laughing as if Richard were the funniest man alive. Uh, he's not. Richard adds, "We just don't think it's appropriate for you to be taking her out to dinner with the intent to find out if the two of you are compatible as man and wife." Plot Contrivance's rejoinder: "What, he should take me to bed?" Dopey looks nauseated by that idea. He swallows it down long enough to tell PC's parents about how much he wants to get to know Sarah better, as if that would change anyone's mind. Laraine explains that while she thinks Dopey is nice (how could she know?), she doesn't want him as a son-in-law. Plot Contrivance decides that she's had enough, so she drags Dopey off on their date. As they're walking out the door, Laraine shouts after PC to take a sweater since it's cold. Hmm, did Brenda manage to fit every stereotype she could think of into that scene? Probably. The only thing that makes me laugh is that when Laraine and Rabbi Richard are commiserating over their daughter's horrible fate, they touch the crowns of their heads together. Isn't that how the Coneheads used to have sex? Er, I mean "Conehead relations."

Over at the CamPound, Annie and RevCam are trying to convince the young lovers that it's hard to get married while going to medical school. Everyone's talking as if Dopey and Plot Contrivance have already decided to tie the knot. Annie talks about how great it is to get to know someone before you make a decision that will affect the rest of your life. Dopey says, "On the other hand, how much can you really know about each other if you don't make a commitment to be with each for the rest of your lives?" What the hell is that? It may not be the stupidest thing ever said on this show, but it sure does come close. Both CamRents are genuinely appalled that Dopey and PC are discussing marriage on their first date. Annie seems to think waiting six months is long enough. I think for most people, six months is still not long enough, but the rest of this show is so crazy that I'm willing to grasp onto anything that sounds even halfway sane. Matt just wants to get his future bride to the altar, so he hustles her out of the CamPound. As he's dragging her away, she throws off a casual "shalom" to the CamRents. With the kids gone, Annie and RevCam start discussing how smart Dopey is. That makes it totally obvious that they're not thinking about what they're saying; they're too freaked out that Sarah is Jewish.

Outside the CamPound, Plot Contrivance is upset because Dopey hasn't told his parents that she's Jewish. She decides it's because he doesn't think their relationship is going anywhere. Hey, if someone I were taking out started whining like that before the second date even gets off the ground, there would be no second date. Dopey puts a temporary stop to all the terrible dialogue when he starts making out with her, right there in front of the CamPound. He warns her that his entire family is probably spying on them from the CamPound.

Sure enough, he's right. There they all are at the window, not even bothering to be subtle about it. Annie wants RevCam to go, like, stalk them, before they "do something they may regret for the rest of their lives." Eric hesitates, until Ruthie informs him that the lovebirds are in Dopey's car. This galvanizes RevCam into action, and he rushes out the door. The DopeMobile is just pulling out into the street, so RevCam runs after it. I keep expecting him to speed up to a bionic man pace and catch the DopeMobile, but it doesn't happen. You'd think Dopey or Plot Contrivance might have noticed this crazy man trying to catch up with them, but "ability to see the obvious" must not be one of their idiot savant talents.

Great -- we're going to have to listen in on their date again. Now they're discussing politics, which tends to put me to sleep even when the speakers are intelligent and well-spoken. We learn that Dopey is a Republican. I don't have anything against Republicans, per se. In fact, I come from a family of Republicans, and even I am something of a fiscal conservative, albeit with hardcore liberal views on social issues. I'm guessing the main reason Dopey's Republican isn't because he likes -- or even understands -- their stand on economic issues, but because he loves how they back things like the Defense of Marriage Act. Plot Contrivance says she's a Democrat -- one who really would love to vote for Rumsfeld. Actually, she loves George Bush too. I'm beginning to think she's just about as knowledgeable about politics as she is about religion.

Some time has elapsed, and now the lovebirds are eating their burgers. Plot Contrivance is eating hers without a bun, so we can see it's a plain burger. Frankly, I was expecting Brenda to have her eating a cheeseburger. No, make that a bacon cheeseburger. The topic of discussion is baseball. Plot Contrivance lives for it; Dopey is ignorant -- about baseball, just about baseball, of course. He suggests that PC can teach him. In return, he will teach her about ironing. And stalking, of course. PC wants to get serious, so Dopey asks her if she could ever marry anyone who was not Jewish. She'd never considered it before, but since Dopey is so "considerate" and -- get this -- "passionate," she is now considering it. The main problem with the scenario appears to be that she's not sure she could "live with a Christmas tree." Right, and a Christmas tree has so much to do with Christianity. In fact, isn't it the most sacred of Christian symbols? Well, after Santa Claus, that is. Or maybe PC's just getting in a dig at Barry Watson's acting skills. Hey, he's not that bad! I think it's the guy who plays Jimmy Plywood that you're thinking of. Dopey tells a pointless story about how his family decorates their Christmas trees. Then he tells her he doesn't even need a tree, because he and Plot Contrivance have the ability to "share the gifts of love and life" with each other. PC pretends this is both original and beautiful enough to make her want to cry. Or maybe she just feels incredibly sad that she's wasting her time eating burgers with him when she could have been at home pushing back her cuticles.

The topic of discussion is money. Dopey explains that he doesn't have any. Sarah does, though it takes her about twenty minutes to come up with the right word to describe herself. That word is "wealthy," which will certainly make things easier for her and the Dopester come year. Plot Contrivance talks about what a "relief" it is to be able to discuss money with Matt. She's never talked about it with anyone outside her family before, and discussing it seems so intimate. Does that mean I was intimate with that bank teller last week? Because we were talking about money, you know. She was cute too. I guess my husband can't mind that I was intimate with her, since, as you'll recall from Doc's addle-pated speech earlier, marriage is all about unconditional love. Spurred on by all this intimacy, PC decides it's time to talk about sex. Dopey agrees.

We don't get to hear them actually talk about sex. There is some more camera trickery to show us that this conversation has been going on for a while, possibly into dessert, though it's hard to tell for sure, since what's on Dopey's plate looks more like birch tree bark than food. Perhaps this explains why he's looking so stunned, but the more likely explanation is that Plot Contrivance has just finished explaining the mechanics of sex to him. Brenda tries to make us think Dopey and PC are going to have sex, but it turns out that they're just talking about talking about sex. And that's every bit as good as real sex, right? It's all a little too much for Dopey, who primly suggests that they not talk about it anymore. He implies that he's in love with Plot Contrivance, which displeases her. Why? Uh, I'm not sure, but maybe you'll be able to make some sense of her stupid utterance: "I don't want you to tell me that you love me until or unless we say 'I do.'" So, did you get anything at all valuable from that? Me neither.

Dopey checks to make sure that the woman he's dating will demonstrate her adherence to the traditional sexist Camden status quo by getting her to promise that he can be the one to issue a marriage proposal. When she passes his test by agreeing, the big doofus actually gets down on one knee and proposes. Plot Contrivance says she will marry him. They both stand up and start making out, while the restaurant patrons all applaud. How did they know this was a marriage proposal? Maybe Dopey and PC just had the oysters as an appetizer and now they're so horny that they're leaving halfway through dinner to have sex in the back alley. Or maybe I missed something that gave everyone the tip-off while I was busy thanking my husband for not having proposed to me in such a dorky way.

Back at the CamPound, every last one of those damn losers is still standing at the window, staring avidly into the front yard. Either they're waiting for Dopey, or they're receiving signals from outer space. I can understand if they don't want to spend the evening talking to one another, but don't they have a television or something? Some board games? A PlayStation? RevCam suggests, "Maybe I'll just go stand in the middle of the street so we don't miss them." This is not a bad joke -- only it's not a joke. Stephen Collins says it in a way that makes me think it is, but then Robbie suggests, in all seriousness, that he join Eric. Everyone else enthusiastically tags along as Eric starts walking toward the door. Good God, they really are serious! Ruthie says, "It's not gonna do any good for all of us to go out and stand in the street in our pajamas." This leads to the unsettling conclusion that she thinks it would be good if only some of them go out and stand in the street while wearing pajamas. In fact, maybe she'd like it best if Robbie went out and stood in the middle of the street alone while taking off his pajamas.

As everyone's speculating on whether Dopey will get married tonight, Mary says, "He's not me, but he could do something as stupid as I would. I mean, he is my brother." I'm not sure if Mary's serious, or if she's secretly hoping someone will contradict her and say, "Oh, come on, Mary -- you're not stupid!" If it's the latter, she's shit out of luck, since every member of the family remains conspicuously silent. Even Happy doesn't say anything. Finally, Lucy breaks the silence to insult Mary, saying, "While Matt might do something as stupid as you would, he wouldn't do something stupider than you would." Heh. I'm so glad that Mary's finally accepted her modest position in the intellectual food chain, and I'm even gladder that her family members acknowledge this situation fully. It's so much better than pussyfooting around the issue. I didn't think anyone could take this scene any further over the top, but RevCam just about manages it when he suggests calling the police. I have to say, I really, really wish they had. That would have been hilarious. But unfortunately for us, their time is up, and the episode ends. I know that I, for one, will never be the same after what I've just seen.