Simon mopes out onto the back patio. Ruthie tells him that he missed it -- Mom made lasagna, but no one ate it because of all the trauma and bile. She explains everything that happened last episode, including the fact that Mary had “adult relations.” Happy sits way too close to Ruthie for my comfort. I imagine dog hairs wisping into her mouth. Then Simon runs off, and Ruthie hugs and kisses Happy. Happy just sort of whines throughout this scene. It’s a fitting lead-in to the caterwauling of the theme song that follows.
Seventh heaven!
Thankfully the season’s over and I can have a break!
Seventh heaven!
When I watch this stupid show, it makes my stomach ache!
Now I can go-o-o-o
Out with friends on Monday nights!
And not go ho-o-ome
'Cause I can’t program my VCR right
To record Seventh Heaven,
Ew, Seventh Heaven!
Mary, Lucy, and their various boyfriends sit in different parts of the CamPound and pout while Ruthie goes around and asks nosy questions. Robbie tells her to get out of his business. Mary gives a monologue about how she’s seen as the Bad Seed and she shouldn’t have come home. She runs off, showing us her maroon pants and blue tank top. No wonder no one likes her.
RevCam strolls into the kitchen and asks what’s up. Annie bitches that she’s been paging him all night. He looks at his pager and notes that it’s been turned off. “Serena!” he mutters, probably remembering that her ass hit the pager’s off button while he was having sex with her on his desk at the church. Wilson walks in and informs the CamRents that Jeremy left. He does this while helping himself to a selection from their refrigerator. Then he leaves, and Annie starts to fill in RevCam on all the mess. When she gets to the part about Mary’s adult relations, she teases us like the saucy cat she is -- not actually saying the phrase, but asking Rev to sit down first, instead. She must know that the mere phrase “adult relations” is enough to arouse RevCam into impregnating her. She knows that she must take it slow, because the budget doesn’t afford them the luxury of a series name change or extra dining-table leaf at this point.
Mary walks up to Lucy’s room, fighting colors all the way. She tries to tell her sister that she didn’t actually have sex with Jeremy. Lucy is too righteous and indignant to listen. Mary makes a good point, for once. She asks why Lucy’s not angry with Jeremy, if she really believes he was unfaithful. Lucy says that Mary must have seduced him or come up with some “wacky plan” to trick him into going to bed with her. Then she verbally disowns Mary, who sadly leaves the room.
Back in the kitchen, RevCam digests what Annie’s told him. He’s sure Mary didn’t actually have sex with Jeremy. He’s way more shocked that Lucy got engaged and wants to go “back east” with Jeremy. I’m thinking about counting the number of times these people say “back east” in this episode, but I’m too lazy. Ruthie comes in and tells everybody Lucy’s reasoning for her plans. She also informs us that Mary’s gone to talk to Jeremy.
Priscilla and John discuss the postponement of their wedding. Priscilla has booked them two flights to New York so that they can visit John’s ailing grandmother. On the way to the airport, they’ll swing by Priscilla’s parents’ place and get them to inform all the wedding guests that the ceremony’s off. Priscilla is really pretty. John’s cute, too. They should just have sex.
In some bedroom, Matt asks Cheryl why she wants to have sex so soon. “Because it’s fun,” she says, lying there all slinky on the bed. Word, Cheryl. I mean, too bad you’re reduced to doing it with Matt, but still -- sex is fun. Matt says that talking is fun, too. “You must be a really good talker,” she tells him sarcastically. He replies that if she knew him better, she’d realize that he’s an excellent talker. I think Cheryl should leave him and find some other virgin to use for sex.
Up in her room, RevCam tells Lucy that she’s smart and level-headed. Not with that zigzag part, she ain’t. Lucy babbles about how young the CamRents were when they got engaged, and about how she’ll make her plans work, and about how she loves Jeremy and is ready to leave home. RevCam makes a sad face. I think he feels bad because he really doesn’t want his kids to have sex, but at the same time, he realizes that the desire for sex is going to cause them all to marry young and have too many kids, just like he and Annie did.
Annie goes upstairs to bother Robbie. She asks why he lied to Mary, and he tells her that it's because the CamRents wouldn’t let him date her over the summer. He doesn’t want to talk to her stank ass. She leaves, and learns from RevCam that Lucy went to find Jeremy.
Jeremy walks into the pool hall, looking grubby in his leather jacket and freshly-slept-on hair. He joins Mary at a table. “We need to talk,” she tells him. “No, you need to explain,” he says. The lens is all greased up when Mary’s onscreen, and I wish the camera people would do the same for Jeremy because his haggard face is hurting my eyes. When I want to see people who AREN’T young and nubile, I’ll turn off the WB and look in my mirror, dammit.
It’s night. Simon lollygags around Deena’s yard. Her dad comes out and asks if he wants to see Deena. “Deena doesn’t want me,” says Simon, wincing at his own meta-statement immediately afterwards. Dad then offers to drive Simple Simon home. Deena comes out in an ugly green t-shirt and says, “Let my dad take you home.” How embarrassing for Simon. None of this would be happening to him if he’d just had sex with Sasha.
Back at Cheryl’s apartment, the phone rings, and Matt presumptuously answers it. It’s Carol, calling for Cheryl. I wonder if they have friends named Beryl and Meryl. Cheryl takes the phone and tells Carol she’ll talk to her later. There’s a pause, and then she says, “Oh, he’s just a neighbor.” She hangs up, and Matt wants to know why she lied. We find out that Cheryl hasn’t told any of her friends she’s dating Matt. Who can blame her? If she did tell them, she’d have to lie and say that he’s putting out. She’s ashamed. A lie by omission is better than an unnecessary revelation that exposes your shame, as far as I’m concerned.
Lucy goes to the pool hall and describes Jeremy to the bartender. “Maybe you should ask your sister,” he tells her. She runs back to the little basketball-game thingies and spies on Jeremy and Mary for a while before running off in a huff. I think Mary should have invited Serena to join them so that Annie and Lucy could play Mother/Daughter I Spy.
Simon runs into the kitchen so that his parents can ask him how Deena is and he can say, “How’s Deena? How’s Deena? I’ll tell you how Deena is! She’s selfish and mean and thoughtless, self-centered, inconsiderate and insensitive! She’s just fine.” He recites these lines poorly, without the flamboyant melodrama they deserve, and then exits. RevCam starts to go after him, but Annie advises patience and proceeds to the plotline. She’d really like to know what RevCam was doing at Serena’s all day. Then she wants to tell him about “something really strange” that happened to her. One of the twins cries out against the neglect of his needs. Annie rushes offstage so that James can knock on the door and say “I need to talk to you” to RevCam. James wants to see about purchasing RevCam’s little woman, probably.
At the airport, John hands the CamPhoneNumber to Priscilla’s parents. They all hug goodbye, and the temporarily sad couple boards their plane. Priscilla’s parents remark on the unfortunate postponement of her marriage to John. They remind us that John’s family is back east. “I think there’s something we can do,” says Priscilla’s mom, smiling and tipping us off to the fact that an unrealistic surprise wedding will take place later in the hour.
James and RevCam, both in all black, stand at opposite ends of the living room like gunslingers. “I did something stupid tonight. I kissed a woman. It’s Annie! I kissed Annie! I love Annie,” says James. Yeah, that is pretty stupid. What’s even stupider is what RevCam says in response. “Annie who? My Annie? Why did you kiss my Annie?” Ha! “Why did you kiss my Annie” -- there are so many ways in which that line can be abused. James begs RevCam, “Help me not to be in love with your wife.” The piece of property in question comes down The Stairs Of The Dropping Of Eaves, but a knock at the door keeps her from expending more than a quizzical look on the dilemma. She opens the door and finds Evil Sex-Wanting Single Woman Serena there. “I need to talk to you,” the Whore side says to the Madonna side of RevCam’s Madonna-whore Complex.
Back at the pool hall, Jeremy’s telling Mary, “I can’t believe you ate the whole thing.” Oh, wait -- my bad. He says, “I can’t believe you made up the whole thing.” He can’t believe it? Wasn’t he there that night when he wasn’t having sex with Mary? Jeremy says he’ll explain everything to Lucy himself. “I think I’ll go ball her right now,” he says. Oh, shoot…I mean, “I think I’ll go call her right now.” Sorry. All the talk about adult relations last week got me worked up into such a frenzy that my ears produced extra wax and I can’t understand what anyone’s saying.
“So, from the moment your husband started counseling me, I have tried everything I could think of to get him,” Serena tells Annie. “I’ve asked him to lunch -- he said no. So I started showing up at the church with picnic lunches. But that didn’t work. I started breaking stuff at my house so I could have him come over and fix it. I’ve flirted, tricked, and deceived your husband in almost every way I know, but nothing has worked.” Huh? Picnic lunches and home repairs? You know, for a scheming siren, Serena’s pretty lame. Any slut worth her salt would have quickly felled the mighty RevCam with a well-timed blowjob under the desk. Serena continues, “So today I decided I’d make my big move. I’d invite him over and seduce him. But even that didn’t work. After I made my move, all he wanted to do was counsel me. All he wants to do is help me. It’s so frustrating.” The sickest part of this monologue is that it makes me imagine RevCam and Matt having father/son talks about sex: "And then, son, the succubus will try to lure your manhood into her dark cave of childbearing. That’s when you hit her full force with all your family-values counseling powers…” The second sickest thing about Serena’s speech is that she’s stupid enough to tell it to Annie. I love that the two of them are having coffee while it occurs. Serena apologizes and then gets up to leave, promising that she’ll leave Eric alone from now on. Annie monotones, “I’m curious -- why my husband? From what I understand, you can have any man you want. Why would you want a man you can’t have?” Well, duh, Annie. Annie cranks up some psychobabble she heard on Oprah and tells Serena to sit down and stay a while. Serena sits. I think she should try to seduce Annie now. All the sexy build-up has to climax somehow.
Back at her apartment, Cheryl doesn’t want to discuss why she didn’t tell her friends she was dating Matt. She doesn’t want to discuss why Matt didn’t tell his parents about her, either. “What’s it gonna be? I’m tired of talking,” she tells him. “Shut up and get busy with the adult relations, Matt,” is what she means.
Simon, all in black, answers the phone in his room. How many freaking phones are in the house, anyway? “Simon, it’s me, Deena,” we see Deena say, as she makes her usual puppy-about-to-get-kicked cringe face. She still wants to be Simon’s friend. She didn’t mean to hurt him. “Well, you did,” says Simon, right before hanging up on Deena’s baby-voiced, ugly-t-shirt-wearin’ ass.
“I think you’re attracted to my wife because she’s my wife, which makes her unavailable,” RevCam tells James. He says all this crap about James wanting a commitment-less relationship with Annie because he’s still “very much married” to his dead wife. James cries and says that he’s scared to try to have a real relationship. RevCam reassures him, and no one cares.
Lucy goes to Mike’s house. Mike’s hair looks like absolute shit.
Ruthie drags Wilson up to Robbie’s room and commands them to talk to each other.
Mike tells Lucy that she’s “absolutely mental” for getting engaged to Jeremy. He says he was hoping Lucy would forget about Jeremy and hook up with Mike instead. “Why do you always choose the wrong guys? You always do,” he says. “You never pick the nice ones. Oh, no. We’re too boring.” Lucy points out that Mike introduced her to Jeremy in the first place. Mike says he wouldn’t have if he’d known she’d get engaged to him. He tells Lucy that he loves her and that that’s why things didn’t work out between him and Elaina. Lucy makes a face like she’s trying not to throw up. “This isn’t happening! This is not happening!” Mike unfunnily drags Lucy to the foyer, grabs her head, and kisses her. He says he won’t be her consolation prize. Either she’ll love him, or she can get the freak out of his life. He shoves her out the door and slams it on her back. She makes a goofy face. I think Mike should look for a chick who doesn’t have a fucked-up zigzag part in her head.
I leave off recapping for a while so I can drive my aunt to the grocery store, and then I take a tiny rest on the recliner in my living room while a hailstorm cools off everything outside. I grab something quick to eat at my computer and then turn on the TV. My eyes are assaulted by The Lawrence Welk Show. Women in gold dresses with big brown Breck hair sing, “Or would you rather be a mule?” while ugly men in white tuxedos sway back and forth under the weight of their sideburns. “Gaaah!” I scream. “Here is the beast that spawned 7th Heaven!” Quickly I rinse my mouth with whiskey, trying to remove the sickly sweet taste of family values. And yet I’m forced to sit back down in front of the television set, my eyes unable to look away from the wholesome white-bread goodness. Why am I mesmerized by such moral corn? There’s no telling what sins I’ll have to commit tonight to wash the memories away. “Turbo the Christmas Horse entertained us all by sipping Gatorade straight from the bottle!” chirps an ash-blonde matron as I finally hit play. Is her name Annie, too?
Mary bores the bartender at the pool hall with her personal problems. She’s in love with two guys and blah, blah, blah. The bartender pretends to commiserate, in hopes of a better tip, probably.
RevCam bids James goodbye, asking him to come by the church for more advice-laden chats. “I’d like that,” lies James. He’s rather attractive for an older guy. He looks like the member of some '70s rockabilly band who got the most groupies. RevCam gently flirts, and then James goes away.
Serena hugs Annie goodbye and asks if they can get together and talk again. Annie makes a face as if she’s swallowing her own bile. “Never mind,” says Serena. Annie remembers the training at her husband’s hands and pretends that she’d love to dispense more good counsel, even though Serena is a slut from hell.
The CamRents tell each other what they’ve been doing for the past few minutes. “I love you,” they simper in tandem. Lucy barges in and barks that she doesn’t want to talk. The CamRents reluctantly let her go. Annie tells RevCam that they’ll have to let Lucy marry Jeremy and fuck up her life on her own. Robbie and Wilson playfully run down the stairs together, giggling and practically slapping each other’s asses. They’ve “been talking all night” and now they’re waiting for Mary to come home. They leave, Annie leaves, and Simon mopes in. He tells RevCam that he’s in love with Deena. RevCam asks if Simon’s heart can tolerate a friendship with the girl he loves.
Upstairs, RevCam asks Matt if he’s getting serious about Cheryl. Matt does his crack-addled routine and then says that he’s all talked out. Here’s hoping Cheryl’s stocked up on Duracells.
In their bedroom, RevCam overhears Annie talking to Priscilla’s parents on the phone. She and RevCam are to call all the wedding guests and tell them the wedding’s off, because Priscilla’s parents have to catch the red eye to New York. Wait -- what is this “New York”? I only know of the land called Back East.
Ruthie and Lucy lie in their beds. Ruthie tells Lucy that Mary loves her. No one cares.
Annie brings the phone to Matt and asks him if “this thing with Cheryl” is serious. Matt dismisses her and takes the phone. He’s in his bed, and Cheryl’s in hers. “So we’re finally in bed together,” she says, because she’s lame like that. She tells him she didn’t want her friends to know she was dating Matt because she knew that eventually he’d dump her. Matt asks why she wanted to have sex, then. Cheryl busts out some cliché about wrong-side-of-the-tracks sex. She tells Matt she’ll miss him and then hangs up, leaving him bemused.
Mary walks into the CamKitchen to find Wilson and Robbie basking in afterglow. “What’s going on?” she asks in that husky jock voice of hers. Wilson tells her she needs to straighten things out with Robbie before she moves on to things with him. “I’m bunking in with Matt and Robbie,” he tells her, gratuitously setting up the three-way images in our minds. Then he runs upstairs. Mary explains why she made up the story about hooking up with Jeremy. Then she says she came back to Glenoak for the summer because she was running away from the potential of another failed relationship with Wilson. Then it’s Robbie’s turn. He admits that he’s reluctant to date Mary, because if it doesn’t work out, the CamRents might kick him out of their house. “You don’t wanna date me. You wanna date my family,” Mary tells him. “No, I wanna marry your family,” Robbie says. Ooh -- get your freak on, Robbie. Mary says that he’s in the family for good, whether he dates her or not. They declare their undying love for each other, and Robbie runs off. The CamRents come out of the Eavesdropping Korner. They heard everything, and Mary’s glad. RevCam welcomes her home. They do a three-way hug.
Mary comes upstairs in an ugly, ugly lavender and pink duster-over-dress ensemble. Ruthie flees the room so that Mary and Lucy can talk. Lucy is fighting for the Funkiest Style Of The Week Award in her white widow’s-peak-baring headband. She says that Mary doesn’t have to explain anything, because Jeremy’s explained it all. They hug and blah, blah.
The CamRents pretend to feed the twins. Annie’s church outfit is also ugly as hell, including a black collarless jacket with three rows of white piping around the neck. She might as well just bust out the color-blocking, y'all. Ruthie, in her ill-fitting burgundy brocade, tells them all that Mary and Lucy made up. We learn that the CamRents have spoken to James and Serena for reasons undisclosed. I know it’s because they read our forum and they borrowed the idea of doing some matchmaking.
Matt knocks on Cheryl’s door and invites her to church. She asks if they didn’t break up last night. He says nothing happened last night. Then he makes up some lame-ass excuse for why he didn’t “go public” with their relationship -- he figured that that way, he could keep Cheryl “at bay” regarding “the sex thing.” Whatevah. Cheryl asks if he doesn’t want to have sex because she’s not the type of girl he’d marry. Her face gets kind of blubbery as if that’s a sad thing. Matt tells her that it’s way too early in their relationship to get it on. He asks if she can stand to keep dating him, keeping it slow and steady. She says she can. Here’s hoping her vibrator isn’t the kind that makes a lot of noise.
In the church courtyard, Serena apologizes to RevCam, and he tells her he found her a good female counselor at another church. Meanwhile, James is apologizing to Annie. The scenes go back and forth between the two sets as the CamRents work the Cupid angle with the lust-laden Losers Of The Week. thing we know, James and Serena are walking off arm-in-arm and Ruthie’s saying something snotty. “Your boyfriend and his girlfriend look pretty good together,” she tells her parents. That’s funny, but a hard spanking still wouldn’t be amiss here.
Deena accosts Simon in the church room where they always have the cookies. Simon tells her that he can’t be friends with her anymore because he can’t take the strain. “What if I change my mind about us?” Deena simpers at his retreating back. “It would be too late,” Simon says. Ouch! Put that in your compact and powder your nose with it, Deena!
In her too-big pastel-green coat dress, Lucy waits for someone. Mike walks up and apologizes for the other night. He’s accepted that he can’t make her love him. “Jeremy wants to marry me,” says Lucy. “I do,” says Jeremy, who has suddenly appeared like a werewolf in the night, except that he’s in broad daylight and he’s not as appealing as a werewolf. The two boys shake hands. Mike wishes the stupid couple well. Lucy kisses his cheek, and he takes off. The CamRents walk up and welcome Hairemy to the family. Lucy’s surprised. Annie makes a little speech about how they allegedly trust Lucy. RevCam wants to request that Lucy attend Kolbel, the seminary where he trained in the ways of holy nosiness. “As a matter of fact, I made a call this morning,” he says. “If you want, I’m sure they can expedite your application so you could start this fall, maybe even take a few classes this summer.” Wow. Here I was, thinking RevCam’s web of bribery only enshrouded the local police. Lucy hugs her parents and hauls Hairemy into the church. Annie and RevCam babble about something or other.
John and Priscilla are in the hospital in Back East, dressed in their wedding finery. “Come on, you two,” John’s dad says. “Everyone’s waiting.” He kisses Priscilla’s cheek and the scene ends, leaving us to imagine the wedding that the producers couldn’t afford.
Wilson drags his luggage into the CamKitchen, where Mary is standing and looking like a monkey. He asks if she’s coming back to New York (Back East, he means) with him. Because he loves her, and blah, blah, blah. He doesn’t want to do some long-distance thing. “So what’s it gonna be? Glenoak or New York [Back East]?” he asks, in his eighties make-up for New Wave men. Mary says nothing throughout the scene. It ends on her goofy face, and that’s the merciful end of the episode, and the season.
week: Gwen drives her aunt to the dollar store and then reads a cheesy teen novel to fill the void.