Robbie is playing basketball with a bunch of little boys. Some of them want to know why they aren't playing soccer. Robbie explains that the field's too wet. We see the back of some chick as she walks up to Robbie and asks if she can share the court with him. He totally freaks out at the sight of her face. He tells her that she looks so much like a friend of his, that she could be his friend's twin. Gee, I wonder if this is the woman is the person that's supposed to look like Mary. You know -- the one they kept talking about in the promos all freaking week.
Speak of the devil, or at least of his succubus...we see Mary at the train station, bellowing at some guy named Wilson. Wilson and his son seem happy to see her. They must not know her very well.
we see Mary dialing a phone in phony annoyance in her room at the House of the Colonel. She keeps getting a busy signal, and this makes her jump up and down like a spoiled child, but with breasts. Mary only has two moods, I've noticed: cranky and stupid. Eventually Lucy answers the phone, gasping, "Jeremy??" She's disappointed that it's only Mary, like anyone else would be. Mary does her needing-advice-from-a-younger-sibling shtick. She tells Lucy about running into Wilson at the train station. Lucy immediately advises her to tell Robbie everything. Mary wants to talk to Annie. Lucy yells, "Mom! It's Mary!" StuporMom comes in, mad as hell. "I'm not Happy," she says. Lucy asks why. "I'm not Happy -- our dog Happy. It's not polite to just yell out my name and expect me to come running." Yeah, Lucy. You should have gotten up and walked downstairs and quietly told your mom to pick up the phone. Where were you born, in a minister's house? Lucy apologizes, and Annie makes an angry face that would have been better suited to a nighttime soap opera. She's a Spelling Stable Gal, I guess. Lucy tells her mom all Mary's business, and Annie immediately says that Mary should tell it to Robbie. Hello? What the hell? First of all, nothing's going on between Mary and Wilson yet. Second of all, nothing's going on between Mary and Robbie. Why should she tell him jack, whether she's hoping to hook up with him later in the season or not? What. Ev. Er. This "let the big, strong, white man solve all your problems and tell you what to do, baby" shtick is getting stale as hell. Since when are Mary and Robbie boyfriend and girlfriend again? Oh, you know what? Don't answer that. I just realized that I don't care. All I have to do is watch for an hour, and type, and breathe. RevCam walks in, and we have to hear Annie rehash the whole situation to him. He hops on the phone and tells Mary what to do. They go on and on. Then Simon comes in, and they tell him what's happening, too. He has the same advice as the other CamClones. Jeez, people. Buy a crystal-growing kit.
Okay, so we see Ruthie dancing to Eric Clapton in the twins' room. I'm not going to make fun of the way she moves, because she's just a little kid. They're making her dance to a dinosaur of rock, and she's having fun with it. Good for her. The twins stare abjectly into space. Robbie comes in and starts dancing, too. I can make fun of him. He looks like my dad used to when he would get drunk and dance and embarrass the living hell out of me. "I didn't know you could dance!" Ruthie tells him. And she still doesn't. The whole rest of the CamFam bursts in and watches for a while. Robbie shuts off the bitchin' Hello Kitty stereo. The Stepford Camdens explain that Mary's on the phone. Ruthie asks if she's in jail. The phone is handed to Robbie, and everyone files out so they can pretend to give him some privacy before they start asking him for all the details of his conversation. Before Mary can confess to Robbie, he tells her all about the girl he met in the park and how she looked so much like Mary. Plus, she's at college on a basketball scholarship and she's really smart and charitable and her toothbrush is made of gold. Or something. "So she's me but a better me? I'm sorry -- what part of this is funny?" Mary asks. The funny part is that I'm watching a show this lame without being in a room full of people who just got stoned, Mary. Yeah, I know -- I'm not laughing, either. We find out that Mary's Doppelganger is named Marie. Mary gets mad and hangs up on Robbie.
Robbie finds fresh-from-the-shower Matt in the hall. Instead of making out like you know they want to do, the two of them engage in insipid conversation about Mary. Then Robbie goes off alone to call Mary back. Her line's busy, because she's on the phone with Wilson. Wilson, who looks like a Battlestar Galactica reject with his winged dark hair, wants Mary to have dinner at his place so he won't have to find a sitter for his kid. "You're still crazy about spaghetti with meat sauce, aren't you?" he asks. That line is so pointless that I decide to pretend it's a euphemism for something having to do with sex. But even so, it's a lame, pointless one, so I decide to slog through the rest of the episode mirthlessly instead. As Mary smiles and hangs up, her top lip looks swollen, as if she's suffering an allergic reaction. She leaves the room, and then the phone rings. The sad, sad clarinet plays while Robbie dials and redials the phone from the Camden stairwell. Who can feel sorry for someone dumb enough to care about Mary? I can't, although I can't say that I've ever tried, either.
I stop the videotape and hit the mute button. I see a tiny spaceship attacking Jessica Alba of Dark Angel. I wonder if the scene would look less stupid with the sound on. I turn up the sound and find that, no, it doesn't look less stupid at all. I press play and try to keep my eyes open as the CamRents discuss the probability of Mary having dinner with Wilson.
That scene is short, and I'm glad, until I see that it's followed by a scene in which Simon and Lucy discuss the probability of Mary going out with Wilson. Lucy seems to purposely make herself go wall-eyed as she considers the possibilities aloud. Shit, people. Go bowling or something. Damn -- Ruthie's in the room, too. She says a bunch of cutesy stuff about Mary marrying Wilson and Robbie finding a nice girl who deserves him. The doorbell rings, and all three brats run down the stairs to watch their parents open the door for Marie, who maybe, sort of, kind of looks like Mary. Everyone rudely gawks at her and says, "Wow." Lucy's navel peeks from beneath tightly t-shirted breasts in orange. "Mary, Mary," drone the twins, who should probably be taken out of the house a few times a year. Marie's there to lend Robbie some notes. I'm sad that she's not there to destroy the Camdens with deadly laser eyes, like I was hoping she would.
Marie sits on the CamCouch with Robbie and yaks about her education plans. Matt rudely takes Robbie aside and tells him to get rid of Marie, reminding him that he's in love with Mary. Matt drags Robbie over to the CamRents for some more unfunny hysterics. He yammers about the potential for Robbie bringing home strangers who look like other Camdens. Then Robbie babbles about cosmic twins. Matt threatens to leave, and I perk up a little. Annie informs us that she wants to borrow Marie's notes, too, and will therefore invite her to stay for dinner. Matt calls his family a freak show, and I can't argue with him. Ruthie oozes out of her eavesdropping niche and runs up the stairs.
Ruthie tells Simon and Lucy everything that was said in the scene. This scene is just an excuse to show Lucy's boobs again. Beverley Mitchell's parents are probably slightly miffed that a show about family values contains so much footage of their daughter's breasts and navel. Or -- who knows? Maybe they're upset that she's not making as much money as Britney Spears. Ruthie goes back downstairs and eavesdrops on Robbie telling the CamRents that Mary hung up on him earlier. Ruthie is happy that her predictions seem to be coming true. Junior Snoops Simon and Lucy consider calling the Colonel to find out where Mary is. They don't, though, because they already know where she is. I do, too. She's having sex with Wilson. While she's doing that, she's gazing up at the ceiling in ecstasy over the fact that she doesn't live with her nosy family anymore.
Wilson tells his son to pretend to be sleepy so that Daddy can spend time with Mary alone. Mary knocks on the door, and Wilson opens it. He's happy to see her because her t-shirt is too small. His little boy announces that he's sleepy. Everyone smiles, but especially Wilson, because Mary has such noticeable breasts.
Matt goes to some restaurant where Cheryl is the hostess. "We've never met but you know me and I know you," she says. I'm thinking that's a euphemism for drug-selling overtures. Matt says he'll wait all night for a table. I think he's going to start stalking Cheryl, since she's blonde and he likes to stalk blondes and all. He also likes to stalk brunettes, I've noticed, but I don't think that'll stop him from stalking Cheryl for an episode or two.
Annie calls Ruthie down to help with dinner. Annie, Ruthie is not Happy. You can't yell out her name and expect her to come running. Well, maybe she is Happy, though. I haven't seen Happy in a while. Maybe I am stoned and this whole series is just my hallucination. Ruthie talks about how much better she likes Marie than Mary, and Annie gets mad. Ruthie asks Annie if either she or RevCam has any kids they don't know about. It's supposed to be cute, but I notice that Annie doesn't answer.
In the living room, Marie yammers to RevCam about her faith in God. RevCam drops a hint about Robbie missing Mary a lot. You know he's turned on by the fact that Marie's all into God and stuff, though.
Ruthie runs up the stairs and says a bunch of precocious stuff, such as, "Do you think Mary was cloned with that sheep Dolly?" I think if she was, it would explain a lot. Maybe some of the DNA got mixed up in the petri dishes, and that's why Mary's such a slack-jaw all the time. Simon and Lucy are very sober and grave about the possibility of Mary being replaced by Marie in Robbie's life. I try one last time to care, but it's just too difficult for me. Robbie walks in and informs us that he called the Colonel and found out that Mary was out with an "old friend." Her siblings refuse to tattle. Robbie psychically deduces that Mary only picked a fight with him over the phone so that she wouldn't feel guilty about going out with someone else. Wow. Robbie should be one of the show's writers.
Back at the restaurant, Matt scopes out Cheryl's ass as he follows her to a table. He asks her to join him for dinner and, after a momentary fake-out, she smiles frighteningly widely and accepts the invitation. Go get your leopard skin, Cheryl. Maybe it can serve as camouflage when you're running through the forest, trying to escape from Matt, who is hungry like the wolf.
Isn't this supposed to be sweeps time? Shouldn't this episode be more sensationalistic than the rest? Maybe it already is, though. Maybe the sorts of people who enjoy this show also enjoy watching Mary almost-sin. "Go, Mary. Go!" they whisper. "Get as close to the sin as you can before you're punished! I want to watch you get punished like I was threatened to be punished before I became the kind of person who watches this show!" they murmur to themselves as they rock slowly and rhythmically in their hunter-green tweed chairs.
Mary tells Wilson the tragic, almost-sin-filled story about the gym she vandalized and the downward-careening spiral path her life has taken since then. Wilson says something about his dead wife that I don't hear because there's a FLOOD WARNING ADVISORY in effect as well as a T-STORM WATCH and those things make really loud beeping noises. Wilson tells Mary that long-distance relationships, such as the one between herself and Robbie, seldom work out. He also says that he'd be happy to be her friend if she's not willing to pursue anything more than that. I'm not sure, but I think he wants to have sex with her.
Matt and Cheryl blather about the food they just ate and how good it allegedly was. I bet they didn't really eat anything at all, though. I bet they just waited off-stage while some older guy put dirty-looking prop plates on their table. I also bet the older guy was sad that he wasn't an actor, like Barry Watson. Cheryl's hair is sort of pretty, and Matt hits on her big-time. She asks if he's doing it because he hates Robbie. He claims he isn't. "Could we go out just because I like you?" he wants to know. Cheryl is made nervous by the fact that Matt knows too much about her. "Do you think I might be hitting on you just because I know you've had sex?" Matt asks. Cheryl nods. How sad. Does that mean that Matt hits on half the women his age, or that Cheryl is the sluttiest woman in strangely chaste Glenoak? Does she wear a scarlet N for "Non-virgin," I wonder? Suddenly I've decided to start referring to StuporMom as Goody Annie. Meanwhile, Matt's just decided that he might be able to enjoy the rest of his life with Cheryl. Stalker Mode: ON. Cheryl busts out The Rules on him. She wants him to call ahead of time for dates, take her to respectable places, and then take her home without expecting so much as a goodnight kiss. There you go, Cheryl. That's the way. If you want men to respect you, you have to play hard-to-get. Finally, you're starting to understand family values. Soon you'll be married with seven kids of your own, at the rate you're going. Good girl. Leave your painted tart shell by the wayside, young vessel of Christian man.
Marie makes eyes at Robbie at the Camdens' front door. Robbie babbles about how much he cares for Mary. Marie lets herself down easy and then hits the road. Robbie knocks on RevCam's "office" door. Some office. No computer, no boom box, no cute decorations from Japan. Robbie assesses that Mary's out with Wilson and then becomes angry, his hair molded into a mushroomy shape with gel. The men talk about how Mary did wrong. RevCam claims that he and Goody Annie aren't keeping Mary from coming home. Only she knows if she should be home or not, he says. If I were Mary, I'd be afraid to come home when my father said things like that. I'd be dumb and easily confused, and I'd decide that it was easier to stay in Buffalo and have meat sauce with men like Wilson.
Matt flows into his classic stalker repertoire, calling Cheryl from the payphone that's twenty feet away from where she's standing. He asks her to accompany him to a movie in three hours, when her shift ends. Cheryl makes the mistake of being lonely and easily impressed by a man who wants to take advantage of her low self-esteem, and she agrees. The clarinet pretends to be just a little sad and no more, but I think it's really afraid. It knows that something's gone horribly wrong, but it prefers to live in denial.
Lucy tells Ruthie that Jeremy, the Latest Love of Her Life, is probably on the way back from an interview at Niagara University, which is probably somewhere near New York. Simon walks in and tells everyone that there's no word from Mary. They're all worried, because apparently she's supposed to call their house every hour to let them know that she's still okay after being kicked out and over to Buffalo. Lucy stares at her framed portrait of Jeremy in consternation.
Suddenly, Jeremy is waiting at the train station. Mary is there, too. She takes a seat to him. He jokingly assures her that he isn't a freak -- that he's just a student trying to get from Niagara University to Glenoak. Mary says, "Tell me more so that I can dismember you and steal your wallet later." Either that or she says that the train to Glenoak will be there in ten minutes. The clarinet doesn't want Mary to go back to her parents' house, but I'm ambivalent. I can't see it affecting the quality of the program at all, so it won't, therefore, affect the quality of my life. I'm going to go on exactly as I have for the past few months, except that if I'm lucky, I'll win a karaoke contest or two. Mary will still be doomed, the show will still suck, and I will be several steps closer to my fulfilling my destiny.
After the movie, Cheryl asks Matt what he thought of the movie. Matt thought it was okay until the guy started waxing his legs. Yes, I can imagine that it was only "okay" for Matt until then. Cheryl says that she likes guys who understand women. They babble long enough for us to realize that Cheryl knows all about Matt's dating history. She teases him a little, making him wonder whether he'll get to date her again. The bait excites him and makes him want a kiss. He doesn't get one. Hold out, Cheryl. You're making him wild with desire. You'll be shackled to Matt before you know it. She jokes that she'll wax his legs for him. Hide the kink, Cheryl. Save it for the customers.
The morning, Robbie is apologizing to Matt in the hall. Matt says nothing about his date with Cheryl. I wonder if it's because of the impediment under his lower lip. Maybe that dark button is keeping him from speaking the family-valued truth. Oh, but actually, it's only a little bit of hair. Matt can't resist being stupid, and so he says enough about hypothetical situations involving Cheryl to plant suspicion in Robbie's mind. Robbie finds the idea of their dating too unfathomably silly, though.
Matt sneaks into RevCam's office to make a private phone call. He lies to his dad, saying he wants to call Mary. RevCam doesn't believe him but, like me, doesn't care enough to investigate further.
The Reverend Eric Cam-Dan the Cam-Man strolls into the kitchen and asks Goody Annie if she thinks everyone in their little family always tells the truth. Goody Annie goodly says that all she knows is that her RevCam is the best man she's ever known, and he's the greatest, and he's the most, and he shines like a fucking halo in a chlorine-filled pool in the sun. They kiss, and I feel like throwing up because Annie is obviously depressed and reluctant to displease RevCam for fear of how he might retaliate upon her isolated, child-sodden little world.
Just kidding.
Lucy is STILL sitting on her bed, staring at her picture of Jeremy, and Simon is still helping her care for the twins, who should probably save their money to buy some real parents. Lucy moans about her slim chances for a continued relationship with Jeremy. Yes, long-distance relationships often don't work out. Lucy should save up her phone dollars to buy a real hairstyle, instead. Either she or Simon asks if the other one thinks that things will work out between Robbie and Mary. The other one says that it will all depend on their phone call. I think they should wear masks that look like old men's faces so that they'll be even more like a Greek chorus in a boring tragedy that I have to write a paper on for my grade.
Robbie bursts in on Matt fondling the phone in RevCam's office, and hasn't it been an hour already? How can they pack a show so full of nothing? Matt runs out of the room, and Robbie calls Mary. He asks for an apology for her sin of omission. She doesn't say anything, preferring to let her orangey blush do all the talking. "I think you should come home," he tells her. Hey...yeah -- wasn't she just about to board a train for Glenoak? Oh, well. She's not ready to come home, she says. That sounds pretty defiant. Maybe the Colonel should ship Mary off to Glenoak to teach her a lesson.
week: The CamMen can't control their women, and it's probably because Simon's a virgin. Or something. I was soaking my VCR in holy water, so it was hard to tell.