Didn't Ryan Seacrest used to wear t-shirts with funny sayings on them before? He's been so formally dressed this season. He's all put together like he's attending a wedding. So Fantasia is in the audience tonight, which isn't quite as fun as when she shows up and performs. Ryan promises "something for everyone" tonight, whether you prefer "the rock" or "the ballads." At this point in the season, I prefer anything other than "the suck" that's been the dominant trend these last several weeks. We're introduced to the judges, a what-upping Randy Jackson, a lobotomized Paula Abdul, and a turning-slowly-left Simon Cowell. Work it, girl. Ryan kicks us to a video package for Queen, the band whose songs will be under siege tonight. And right away we're presented with my initial problem with doing Queen songs. Over the repetitive percussion of "We Will Rock You," Ryan explains that if you've ever so much as stepped into a sports arena, you've heard the music of Queen. And...exactly. So many of Queen's songs have ceased to even be songs anymore. Is "We Will Rock You" any more of a song than "You Make Me Wanna Shout"? "We Are the Champions" is another sporting anthem. "Bohemian Rhapsody" is a Wayne's World punch line. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" was driven to parody by this very show. Add to that the fact that Freddie Mercury's voice is such a high hurdle, how are these eight kids supposed to find any way to impress us this week? The answer, it turns out, is to go utterly crazy. Hey, whatever works. Ryan's got the whole Biography voice-over happening on the History of Queen, which sickeningly includes clips from Constantine's "Bohemian Rhapsody" performance last year, as an example of the ways in which the band has managed to stay in the public eye. That's gross, and stop making me remember Constantine.
We see the Idols meet Queen during the band's rehearsal, in what is essentially a retread of last week's footage. Ace unveils his tactic of trying to blind us (or, I guess, "render us deaf" would be more appropriate) with his biceps. Um. I could think of worse strategies. Everybody is shown banging their heads, and Queen at least pretends to be happy to have them there. Back onstage, Ryan tells us that the "groundbreaking" video for "Bohemian Rhapsody" was directed by American Idol's own director Bruce Gowers. We cut to Bruce in the directing room, and it's like at the Emmys when the guy directing the Emmys has been nominated for directing the Emmys. A shot of you watching TV watching you watching TV watching you watching TV. It's weird and distracting and the director still has to direct, so he's shooting out all this gibberish that no one but Ryan understands, because English is his second language and he was raised to speak production booth. There's some weirdness where Ryan's snapping (girrrrrrl!) and the camera doesn't know where to cut to, because all of a sudden Ryan's the director and Gowers is onscreen. I guarantee you so many production workers went home with "You would not believe the day I had" stories to tell.
“ I wonder if she's diabolical enough to decide ahead of time that every week she'll just pick one thing Simon says and play dumb with it. I'm not sure if it would make me like her more, but at least it would be an explanation. Besides fetal alcohol syndrome. ”
Dudes. For one thing, the stage is entirely dark but for one white-hot spotlight directly above her head. Her hair is in this shag formation -- very "blonde Joan Jett." She looks, as Jacob so insightfully pointed out, like David Bowie as the Goblin King. The whole effect is very cool and the staginess doesn't bug me like it did with Constantine's similarly dramatic rendition last year. As for the singing? I have to say, it's not bad. Very not bad. The way Kellie's voice works is that if you don't ask it to move around too much, it's actually very pleasing because the twang tends to come out of nowhere, so it's surprising. I'm not saying I'd buy the recording, but it's enjoyable. Then the crazy Wayne's World head-banging part of the song starts. She darts off the stage and commences shoving her finger into anything she sees: the camera, Simon, the audience. So you think you can love her and leave her to die? Not without a stern pointing, you won't. She takes a walk down the elevated platform and drops to her knees in that way that has worked out so well for her. Um, on the show. I like how Kellie's stage presence has steadily improved since semifinals. She winks at the very end and smiles a very cute smile. This is a lot of fun, I am shocked to say. I'm even more shocked to hear myself utter, "I hope she wins." Couch Baron asked me last week who I wanted to win this show, and obviously my mind first went to Katharine and Chris. But once I started thinking about it, Chris winning would actually suck for the kind of music he wants to do. And Katharine is just...not going to win. Period. So no sense setting myself up for disappointment. That's when I realized I want Kellie to win. So bad. She's exactly the Idol that this show deserves. She's game for their bullshit, she plays along, and every poor performance she's given has been lacquered over like the top of a bar. I want this show to have to reap what it's sown, which means either Kellie or Taylor winning, and given the choice between the two, I'm picking Pickler. Don't email me.
Randy echoes my thoughts exactly, about how he damn near shit a brick when he found out what song Kellie was doing, but after seeing the performance he thought it was hot. Paula of course has to bring up effing Constantine and his "shining moment" last year, even though it was totally awful and creepy just like everything else he ever did. Getting back to Kellie, Paula says she "worked it out" as a "rocker chick." I love how Paula is always the one fooled by wardrobe. Like if Kellie dressed up like Shakira, she'd be like "I love your Latin rhythms!" Simon calls Kellie a "very brave girl," and makes fun of how she looked like a zombie with the stark stage lighting. Goblin King, Simon. Don't tell me you never watched Labyrinth. "On paper," he says, "it should have been completely hideous." Kellie: "Huh? 'On paper'? What does that mean?" Are you fucking kidding me? Can someone buy this girl a context clue? Albemarle needs to disown her like yesterday before she drags the rest of them down with her. It's like talking to blind people and realizing you can no longer use color as a point of reference. Except with Kellie, you never know what she'll not know . I wonder if she's diabolical enough to decide ahead of time that every week she'll just pick one thing Simon says and play dumb with it. I'm not sure if it would make me like her more, but at least it would be an explanation. Besides fetal alcohol syndrome. They're actually kind of cute together, Kellie and Simon. He's all, "Doesn't matter, just let me talk." And she's all, "You're British and you talk funny." And he's all, "I talk funny, Miss 'Pickin' Leaves Offa Bush'?" She tells Ryan that Simon has "the weirdest terminology." Girl, you just said "terminology" and you don't know "on paper"? She knows "arachnophobia" but not "ballsy." Is she teaching herself to read using a word-a-day calendar?
“ If this show is indeed going to come down to Taylor and Chris like Simon seems to think it will (and I tend to agree), he's damn well going to try his best to position Chris to be the winner, and he's seeing Taylor having 'fun' and Chris being all self-serious guy. You can almost see him grabbing Chris by the shoulders and shaking him. ”
Chris starts his video package off by being Chris: "I'm going to be singing 'Innuendo.' It's kind of an obscure song. I just felt like it was the right song for me, and come to find out they never performed it live." Man, I miss Nadia Turner so much. She would pull this shit every week. "Oh, you've never heard this song before, but trust my infallible good taste." And I guess Queen never played this song before because Freddie Mercury was too busy dying, so once again Chris is able to capitalize on the demise of a rock legend. Brian May is ready to marry Chris right there at the rehearsal, he loves him so much. His daughter told him Chris was good! Once again, the stage is awash in spotlights for Chris, but since they're doing that for everyone this week, I'm not so bugged by it. Chris has let the facial hair progress from the scruffiness of Seacrest on a good day to a full-blown Chief Tyrol. He's also wearing quite a bit of eyeliner, and I'd like to say that doesn't have any appeal to me whatsoever. His voice is, as always, wonderful, even if the song choice is beyond shitty. Chris is one of the few Idols left who has the voice to at least keep up with Freddie Mercury. There was no reason to run and hide behind the "import single B-side you've never heard of" thing, beyond his own desire to be cooler than everyone else. Which is fine. I've been known to like boys who polish their cool from time to time. Problem here is, this "cool" choice is also crazy boring, and it makes me sad thinking how Chris could have really thrown himself into the vocal theatricality of an exciting Queen song. And yet! Even still, his voice just works for me, enough that I never fully check out of the performance.
Camryn Manheim is in the audience, and she loves Chris. And I love her. And Randy loves Chris even more, I think. He calls Chris a "real rocker" for about the billionth time this season, and it never gets old because it still reads as "Constantine was such a tool," to me. He says he had "big expectations" and it looks for a second like he's fixing to say something negative, but he finishes his thought with, "You delivered, baby!" Both Paula and Chris are giddy and relieved by the fake-out. Paula is sputtering like an old-time car that's out of gas, something about Chris's last note and a "high C" (or maybe she was just thirsty for come cold, refreshing Hi-C orange drink? Suck it, Coca-Cola!) and Chris is like, "I don't even know," and it's a ridiculously cute moment for them both. Chris is crazy happy tonight, and I wonder/hope it's because his wife and kids are in the audience. Paula just does not stop talking, about how the band was all over his jock and they probably never sang "Innuendo" because they knew in the future some guy named Chris Daughtry would sing it on TV and be above average. I want her to shut up so bad. Just for her own sake. Modulate, girl. Simon ruins everyone's fun by telling Chris that Queen doesn't perform that song "because it's not very good." Heh. Simon gives it up for Chris as the best vocal tonight, but Simon's way ahead of everyone else and when he sees Chris he's already seeing him in the final three, so everything he's about to say is him trying to tell Chris how to win this entire show and not just get by for another week. "I just think it's a shame you didn't decide to entertain the audience at home with one of the great Queen songs." If this show is indeed going to come down to Taylor and Chris like Simon seems to think it will (and I tend to agree), he's damn well going to try his best to position Chris to be the winner, and he's seeing Taylor having "fun" and Chris being all self-serious guy. You can almost see him grabbing Chris by the shoulders and shaking him. "Lighten up! Just because you're the best doesn't mean they'll vote for you out of obligation!" I really hope Chris takes this to heart and sees it as the incredibly rare constructive criticism it is. Ryan takes the stage and addresses the "are we voting for songs or singers?" question that has been building the last three weeks. Randy says we should vote for the singer, but what he means is we should vote for Chris. All the other times he mentions "song choice" as a negative are totally different.