Love is All Around

Matthew Perry is poking around Ally's office, looking at the stupid tiny toys on her desk and eating her stupid jelly beans. He mugs hugely after eating a stupid jelly bean. Dude. There are no jelly beans on earth that taste that bad. Even those annoying Jelly Bellys don't come in Ass flavor -- yet. Save the canned hambone action for that other stupid show you're on which we don't recap. Or maybe this is a reference to his rumored pill-popping tendencies? Could I be more annoyed by Matthew Perry's too-familiar tics? Oh, my bad, he's only been on screen for fifteen seconds. I could probably be more annoyed than this. I don't want to be, but the odds are not in my favor. Anyway, he's performing some kind of corporate head game in which he, the "woo-ee," is visiting the "woo-er" to see how desirable the position offered may be, but without the formal structure of the interview they have scheduled. For tomorrow. He spits the offending jelly bean into his hand, then back into his mouth as he offers Ally his hand to shake. She stands stern, arms folded, barking at him that the appointment was for tomorrow, and she'll see him them, sans baseball cap. He's all smiling, bemused, thinking he's smarter than she is, and asking, "YOU'RE Ally McBeal? Senior partner? Do you ever get to court, Ms. McBeal?" What a douche. She crisply sends him on his goofy way, and no sooner than he's gone does Elaine pop her head in the door, wondering if Ally couldn't have been nicer, since the firm wants to hire this douche. Ally is all, "Who does he think he is?" Since the confident are rarely seen within the walls of Fish and McBeal. Elaine says coyly that she "think[s] he knows who he is."

Cue the Mariachi players. No, really. No, really. Lights up on the most clichd Mexican restaurant you've ever seen in your life. Big huge paper flowers. Triple-tiered skirts and lacy red aprons on the lady waitrons. Tight black cabellero pants on the hombres. Dude, where's my piñata? Nelle and Richard sit at a table. She repeats firmly that she can beat this Lolita person, and that she's heard Lolita "does better against men!" She did in the book, for sure. Richard dismisses her, saying that John is the best litigator they have at the firm. He shoos away the waiter who comes, asking for "a little one that stutters." Then, they see the band. Ai-yai, yai-yai. DEK, you overdid it. John isn't with the band. He's in the band. With maracas. And a honkin' sombrero. He sees his former co-workers, and hollers, "Ai-yai-yai!" Then, they go into a rendition of "The Mexican Hat Dance." Please kill me.

Dame Edna is lecturing Ally, saying there's no rule that Ally and JBJ "have to have sex." No, but horny JBJ fans have been tuning in for weeks now. You really want to piss them off? Well, do ya? Ally tells Dame Edna that, the other day -- which didn't happen, people; they're just throwing footage at you to make it appear that something is developing between JBJ and Ally when it isn't -- they went out to a "nice restaurant," and JBJ wore a coat and tie (what is he, a little kid? She's marveling because an adult male wore a "coat and tie"?), and they were getting all ready to have their first kiss. Her heart was beating. Her lips were beating. And thanks to the oh-so-tired and overused technology that can make babies dance and dogs' lips move, her lips really do appear to beat. JBJ, feeling the jitters, gets lip-beats too. Dame Edna, as she listens, also beats her lips. Ew. Then, in walks Dame Edna's guy. Her sweet Jerome. He's very professorial, with a bow tie, wire-rimmed glasses, and tan corduroy jacket. They seem very happy, have been together three months, and for the millionth time in case you missed it, are getting married. Jerome casually asks, "How'd the sex with Victor go?" Um, it didn't. Yet. Jerome? Shut up. Oh, and isn't three months too early to get married? Ally? Shut up.

Ally sits down to have her meeting with Matthew Perry. She says he'll have equity at Fish and McBeal faster than he will at any other law firm in town. He says he'll need a junior associate working under him. She looks peeved, and jots down a note. He asks if she's listening to him. She takes a beat, then looks up, confusedly, and asks, "What?" She seems "bored." Should he "be spicing up his answers?" After all, she asked him to come in. Is it that she's distracted with the sex date, and all? Ally gets clipped. Matthew Perry says that "people talk, especially in your Unisex." Since he'll be working for her, a young Senior Partner with a house and a kid, and a jumbled personal life that shows she has no male partner and possibly bad dealings with men, she's showing herself to be "alpha female type A." Ally says her personal life won't ever be his concern, and did it ever occur to him that she might be gay? Matthew Perry says gay women don't send him "you're cute" signals like the ones she's been shooting his way ever since they met. She says she did not. He says she did too. She says she did not. He says she did too. Et cetera. Finally, she tells him to "get out." So he's not hired? "OUT!" He stands up and says he "never interviews well," and the violins pluck.

Corretta and Richard have a sit-down with Dame Edna and her Sweet Jerome. "A pre-what?" he asks. "Nup," says s/he. He blinks, upset. He thought they had a love like no other -- and now she wants to prepare for its failing? He blinks, but not cartoonishly, thank god. He pushes his chair away from the desk, and says he'll sign whatever. Aww. He's hurt.

Miss Bump steps off the elevator, looking for John. She has something personal to tell him. It's that she can no longer deny her sexual attraction to him. And since she can't deny it to herself, she won't deny it to him. She hopes this isn't distracting to him in court, and apologizes. He wrinkles his nose, and Nelle positively sneers at her. Miss Bump re-boards the elevator, sharing the car with none other than the sweet, despondent Jerome. He looks sad; she notices. Could she help? She's "good at helping people." He looks intrigued. Oh, no.

Matthew Perry pokes his head into Ally's office. He calls her "Al." Aw, my dad calls me Al. Shout-out? Nah. Matthew Perry apologizes; he's dated a single mom and it fell apart at the same point where Ally and JBJ are at the moment. So, "When a woman overcomplicates things, it hits a nerve." Dude, are you still trying to get a job? Don't lawyers have shit to do other than describe their fucked-up non-sex lives to each other? Ally feigns warmth and an apology, then lays into him. She isn't overcomplicating things: "This is complicated!" Ally doesn't know if she's falling for JBJ or falling for Maddie falling for JBJ. Is she pursuing her happiness or her daughter's happiness? Matthew Perry opens and closes his mouth like a fish, bored with her yammering. Ally waggles her finger back and forth and calls him a "dope." And adds, "Get OUT!" Matthew Perry says Ally should! get out! "After the fight, the girl always runs out!" Ally looks steamed. He slinks away, and says he'll see her. God, I hate this show. Let me put it in haiku form:

Stupid gender roles
Repackaged. Not "comedy."
Please write something else.

Cage, Fish and McBeal. Ray tells Ally none of his former colleagues will jump ship to this shithole. And that Todd guy? "Didn't work out," says Ally. Then, he's standing there, Matthew Perry, in all his armor. Can she have a moment? Sure. You have sixty seconds left. He begins: "My therapist says the inner me is...." Ally finishes his thought: "A dick?" Ooh, potty mouth! What is this, Sex & The City? God, I wish. He says that's the word. And Ally helps bring forth his "dickedness." He gives the word some real Chandler-esque English. You know, upward rising inflection, head tilt, invisible air quotes. Could he be another character beside Chandler? The answer is no. So, He's "dick-ed" because Ally is The Girl For Him. She pushes his buttons. She's feisty, crazy. Everything he digs. He's asking her out. And since she can't get past first base with the plumber guy, well, where's the harm in that? Ally is concerned with her daughter's well-being, and Ally isn't even a practical person! "Never has been, never will be," she adds. Ally rises and leaves her office. Matthew Perry yells after her, "Look at her go. Girl!" Hee, he said "go girl." Ally returns, and points her bony girl arm in the silent, universal gesture of "go." He says she's going to have to learn "to ignore what [he] says last." I can do that.

In the court of Judge Albert Hall, a stern woman is on the stand, testifyin' to the virtues of the Bully Broad classes. She says she was hated and had problems with her staff, until the class enlightened her to the fact that she was a "woman in a man's world, trying to act like a man." She could just act like a woman, see. No. No, I don't see. So after the class, she related better to her co-workers and productivity went up. And executives are sent to seminars all the time. This one took only a "puny" amount of time. Did someone say "puny"? Miss Bump wheels and stares at John. John chokes on his water, then yells at the quivering Miss Bump, like she's "Heidi" about to cry at Bambi. "Move to...oh, forget it." The witness says Miss Bump is fighting tears because lawyers are supposed to be tough and hide their feelings. But women can show their feelings. Let it out, honey. Miss Bump wails. Judge Hall asks for a ten-minute break.

Richard, Corretta, Dame Edna, and Jerome meet. It's tense. Dame Edna and Jerome squabble, and finally he says he'll "take [his] champagne and christen another yacht!" Oh, fucking hell. I wish he had said he'd give his string of pearls to another. That would have been even more gross. Dame Edna splits, and Richard enlightens Jerome to the fact that chicks don't like to be called "yachts." We prefer "chicks."

The doctor gives Ally a clean bill of health. JBJ offers to take her home. She smiles at him -- does he want to go out later tonight? She'll find a "young, healthy baby-sitter that will still be alive when [they] get home." He kisses her and splits. Who pops up? Yup. Matthew Perry. Elaine wiggles at him and looks pointedly at Ally, like he's better than JBJ or something. He says that he's sorry for the whole "hitting on all of you thing," and that he's taken his "boyfriend hat out of the ring, and is tossing it back in the employment ring." Ally says no. She's "passing" on his offer. Yeah, she knows he's the best. She still says no. He asks her a million questions, like, does she hate to be challenged, and is she threatened by him, and "does [she] use the 'get out' card in [her] personal life, too?" Leave, dude. He does, and at the door says, "Have a nice, uncontested life." Sure thing, dick. Ally looks blank, like she missed out on something. Oh yeah, Ally, P.S., Matthew Perry is the man of your dreams. You will now Forever Be Unfulfilled.

Closing arguments. John steps up: his client was sent to a seminar "not to become nicer, but to become more feminine. And there's a word for that. Sexjism." He means "sexism." ["They said that on network primetime?! Wow, times have changed, and I am old." -- Wing Chun] Miss Bump's longing looks threw John off. Only the tough women were sent off to camp, not the tough men. That's a double standard. Why, even Miss Bump chose to use tears in the courtroom, as her weapon. John believes "a woman can make it in a man's world," and be tough, too. And the jury needs to send a message to society, "for our daughters, that [women] have the right to be strong"! Miss Bump's turn. She says it's "sex....ist" to presume a woman's ways aren't the right tools to employ in the workplace. Women are too aggressive nowadays. This case is about women losing those butch traits, like the plaintiff's employers suggested to the plaintiff. And she didn't even want to try! "She just threw down her gloves, and sued. How manly." Miss Bump takes her seat, shooting John a miffed look. John lifts his chin, undeterred.

Boston by day, via air, wooo! Ally tells Dame Edna needs to go to Jerome and "fix things." Dame Edna says she's "slightly over fifty," and that she and Jerome fight too much. She gets that horrible acid reflux-belch thing going on. Ally begins to spin: Couples who fight have more "passion" and "heat" than couples who don't. Why, Ally couldn't "see [her]self in a relationship that wasn't a bit combative!" See what's happening here? Dame Edna asks if she and JBJ fight much. No, never. They're "new." What about her and RDJ? Yeah, they "used to go at it a lot." And she's "over Larry." Mmm-hmm. "Go to Jerome," says Ally.

The verdict is in: The plaintiff wins $610,000! Damnation. They won! Miss Bump says "there's always a nugget of truth in [her] courtroom antics." And, she thinks John is "hot." What a stupid conclusion.

Ally and Elaine sugar their Starbucks coffees. Ally needs to know; is Matthew Perry right? Not for Ally. Does she not allow people to confront her? Is Victor right for her? Elaine says JBJ is the opposite of her -- smart, sane -- and Matthew Perry is Ally. ["Ally's a dick? Yeah, I can see it." -- Wing Chun] Why not just go on one date with him? Ally doesn't "want to blow Victor." The sirens go off, and Elaine does a spit-take with her coffee. "Have. [She] doesn't want to blow what [she has] with Victor." Which is what, exactly? "It would destroy Maddie." Elaine points out that Ally has always dated lawyers, probably has more in common with Matthew Perry, and "for whatever reason, can't stop thinking about him." I have a reason: Ally's a head case bent on self-destruction.

Dame Edna is facing Jerome in the bar, wearing her wedding dress, to "show [him] what [he'll] be missing." Why is he still practicing songs if the wedding is off? "Singing helps [him] deal with his emotions," plus he was "thrown" by her doubts. She doesn't have any doubts! She still loves him! So, how about they get engaged and throw a party? They can get married in June and have a big wedding! "In June, all [her] buds come into season." "June it is!" Great, we have season finale.

Ally and JBJ chow down at a nice dinner out. She makes noise with her fork and picks a fight with JBJ. Is he seeing someone else? No? Well, maybe she wants to see someone else. She's used to being in "combative relationships," not people who "go with the wind," like JBJ does, "even if it is [Ally's] wind." People in the restaurant turn and stare. He didn't even get ruffled when they were gong to have sex and the dead baby-sitter re-railed it! We have a people-staring double-take. JBJ says maybe Ally's right. She sputters. He asks if she'd rather he throw over the table and storm out. She says that would be something. So, he leaves, tossing his napkin down on the table. Run, JBJ. Run fast, run far.

Out on the street, a yellow cab breezes by JBJ. Damn, he's stuck. Pump them legs, man! Oh no, here comes Ally. She's all, "How dare you walk out." Well, you really provoked him, woman. If he'd acted like a gentleman any more, you'd probably have stuck him with your fork. He starts to bluster that she's neurotic, and only happy when she's miserable. Yup. Ally calls him a bigot. He's all, if you want to date someone else, go ahead. He calls a cab and it stops. She yells at him not to leave. He asks that she slide in; they can fight on the way home. Once she's in, he says her address, slams the door, and runs off to catch another cab. Her cab takes off, just as his cab goes in the opposite direction, and she stops another cab in the middle of the road. The driver of this fourth cab asks, what is she, crazy? Ally, screaming like a lunatic in the middle of the street, says yes, she is, in fact, crazy. She hops in the cab, and who's sitting there? Yup. Matthew Perry.

Boston at night, woo. Ally and Matthew Perry sit at a bar. She calls JBJ on her cell phone -- no answer. "He's a baby," she says. Matthew Perry says he thinks she sabotaged the relationship. Ally denies it. He says he's "only heard [her] version and [he's] taking [JBJ's] side." They look at each other unblinkingly. Oh my god, someone have sex, for god's sake. Ally says JBJ "just goes with it." Matthew Perry says, "Bastard." We see a clip of Larry saying, "Bastard." Ally is all, wuh? See, Matthew Perry stirred up all these feelings about Larry, and JBJ is so totally not Larry. So maybe JBJ was the rebound guy, setting up Matthew Perry to be in line? Ally smiles, all, later, Matthew Perry. No sex for you either.

John is dressing in his mariachi suit. Miss Bump walks in, and says he's a legend, and that it was an honor doing battle with him. And why is he going back to the Mexican restaurant when he clearly loves litigating? He says there's a whole other world out there, and he asks her to "sample it." She says it's a big office for him to walk away from. He turns, cocks his head, and says he's looking to sublet. Did she ever think about joining a law firm? Oh, wow, would Christina Ricci really join the cast? Are movie scripts really that bad nowadays? She says she "hate[s] people." I hear you. I mostly hate DEK, meself. She says she'd only want to join the firm to learn from him, and that if he's not going to be there...he dons his hat, and says he'll be back.

Ally walks in her front door to see JBJ on her couch, reading the paper. This new sitter got appendicitis, and had to split for the hospital. Maddie "couldn't get through to" Ally, so she called JBJ. He stands to leave, saying he'll send her a bill. Ally starts rambling about Larry. He got her, see, because he was neurotic, too. Everything meshed. And that guy, Matthew Perry? Reminded her of Larry. So she had a beer with Matthew Perry, and realized that JBJ isn't Larry. And, that she doesn't want to be with a man who's just like her. She wants JBJ. She doesn't know if it's meant to last, or anything at all, but she knows she wants him. He says he'd agree with her, but doesn't know if it'll set her off. She says she can screw up anything. They kiss, clumsily. Ew. Now I don't want to see them do it.

The bar. Dame Edna and her sweet Jerome sing an old Cole Porter song. Everyone watches. Nelle chokes on her martini when Corretta says she heard John offered Miss Bump a job.

Montage: Miss Bump moves a file box into John's office, puts her feet up on the desk, and looks around, satisfied.

A trail of clothes lead up to Ally's bedroom. She and JBJ snuggle, post-coitus. Wow, I've been spared! Thanks, DEK. My eyes thank you. Ally says she's "glad that's over with," and that now they can go back to being "normal." I still don't know what the fuck that means. She asks if they should just go to sleep now. He says it may be weird if Maddie finds him there in the morning. Ally rises to collect their clothes, strewn all over the house. He pulls Ally back to him, saying it was "nice." Oh no. She smiles. Vonda sings yet another song. They kiss. Ew, he's getting on top of her, but chastely and with no heat. The camera pulls away through the window. Pull away faster. Pull away faster!