This episode begins with everyone all up in Robbie's business. The CamBrats overhear his phone conversation and learn that he has a date for Valentine's Day evening. Robbie resists their attempts to find out who his mystery date is. He runs off in a mild huff, and the whole Camden family makes a cult-ritual pact to find out the details of his personal life.
Robbie runs into the garage to escape from the prying eyes of the Camdens. He hides in the back of the electric van. Matt is hot on his heels, though. "I was looking for you," he says. "Oh, you were? What's up?" asks Robbie. The young men confess to each other their reluctance to be alone on Valentine's Day. Matt suggests that Robbie's date fix up Matt with a friend of hers so that they can all double date. Robbie chuckles uncomfortably at Matt's false friendship.
On the phone, Simon asks Deena if he can double date with her, since she's temporarily in town and all. Deena agrees. Ruthie runs into the kitchen in one of those ugly crocheted head scarves. She rudely takes the phone from Simon, who insults her and leaves. She calls Burt, the little boy she humiliated earlier this season. He asks who she is and she says, "Duh! The love of your life!" Burt is too young and nave to hang up on her, and he accepts her offer to pick him up for Valentine's Day. She says they'll attend the twins' birthday party and then have the rest of the evening to themselves. Burt is inexplicably enthusiastic about this.
RevCam and Annie put the twins into their cribs, then share curiosity about Robbie's romantic life. Annie apparently plans to invite Robbie and his date to the twins' party. RevCam doubts they'll want to show up. The phone rings and RevCam answers. "Hang up!" Lucy yells at him from the other extension. Like Rodney Dangerfield, RevCam gets no respect.
On the phone is Jeremy, Lucy's newest flame. He's telling her that he doesn't want to double date with Robbie, since it's their first date. He lets us all know that he's taking Lucy to a restaurant that requires coat and tie, and that he has a surprise for her. Gee, it's nice that Lucy's taking some time to be alone for a while after her long string of failed relationships. Oh, except that she's not. Oh, well. Work it while you're young, Lucy. The phone rings again. It's Mary, calling for Robbie. Lucy starts to carry the phone to him, but Matt walks into the hall and starts bragging about his clever plan to double date with Robbie. Simon's in the hall, too, now. He says he was planning to double date with Robbie. Oh, but noRuthie and Burt are going to double date with Robbie. StuporMom overhears this and joins the fray. She's excited about the prospect of finding out whom Robbie's dating. They go on and on about it, and then Annie changes the subject to the twins' party. No one cares. Finally, Robbie comes into the hall and doesn't give any information at all. He and the Camden boys leave. "Is someone on that phone?" Annie asks Lucy. "D'oh!" thinks Lucy as she puts the phone back to her ear in time to hear Mary bellow, "Robbie is going out with someone?!?" Lucy groans us comically into the commercial break. Gotta love those madcap Camdens!
Up in her room, Lucy bitches to Ruthie that every last dress she owns is hideous. She doesn't have anything special to wear for her big date with Jeremy! Sob! Trying to be precocious, Ruthie says that all she needs to feel special is a clean pair of underwear. StuporMom, meanwhile, sneaks into the room with a surprise dress for Lucy. It's a red satin number that looks a lot like the one Lucy wore to the dance with Mike a few weeks ago. StuporMom makes a big production of how she went over the budget and cleared the dress purchase with the RevCam, like the good Stepford Wife she is. "It's so perfect!" Lucy gasps with glee. Ruthie says something uncute about underwear again, and leaves. Lucy is pleased because when it comes to Jeremy, she "like[s] him like [she] [hasn't] liked any other guy that [she's] ever gone out with." "I know. Hence the new dress," says Annie. The hell? Didn't Lucy just meet this guy? What does she do -- just sniff their pheromones and then run out to brand their initials on her hindquarters?
Robbie walks into the room he has on loan from Ruthie and tells Matt that he couldn't set up a date for him. Then he makes good excuses not to double date with any of the CamBrats. Then he leaves. Matt pissily mutters about being dateless for Valentine's, and picks up the phone. When John answers on the other end, Matt barks, "What are you doin' tonight?" "Hello, Matt," John lilts sarcastically. Matt again asks rudely about John's plans. "You kiss your mother with that mouth?" John pouts. "Someday, Matt Camden, I'm gonna decide that I've had just about enough of your attitude. You're not gonna be able to push this girl around any more! I'm gonna show you the hand, Mister Man. You think I'm not, but" Actually, John tells Matt that he plans to spend the evening with Priscilla. Priscilla, overhearing this, says that Matt can come over. John is surprised. Priscilla calls Valentine's a "lame holiday invented by the card companies." So true. I'm not just saying that because no one sent me flowers, either. Priscilla goes on and on about the commerciality and the pressure. John grudgingly tells Matt to come on over.
RevCam accosts Simon in the hall and asks about his date with Deena. Simon bitches about the fact that Matt's driving instead of Robbie. RevCam gently scolds Simon for not respecting Robbie's privacy. Robbie comes out of the bathroom, and the three guys awkwardly say "hi" to each other. Then Robbie runs off and Simon gets on RevCam for not questioning Robbie about his date. Simon doesn't think they should let Robbie date anyone when Mary still has feelings for him. Whatever. Why do they care about Mary's feelings after they exiled her to Buffalo?
RevCam goes to the nursery to dress the twins for their party. In her big ol' dominatrix boots, Ruthie asks her dad if Mary's dating anyone. RevCam doesn't know. Ruthie takes that as a yes and runs out the door.
Annie answers the phone. It's Mary. How many freaking phone scenes is Jessica Biel going to do? Annie tells Matt to take the phone to Robbie. Matt runs upstairs with Simon and Ruthie right behind him. They catch Robbie greasing back his hair for the big night. Ruthie compliments Robbie as Matt stands there with the phone, and you realize they're going to do the forgotten-phone gag again. It actually worked the first time, and it was almost funny. That's why they have to beat it into the ground now. In response to numerous nosy questions, Robbie explains that he's going to a semi-expensive restaurant at which his date made reservations. Ruthie tells him that Mary's dating someone. Robbie uptightly tells the CamSpawn that he's going downstairs to help Annie with the party. Ruthie expounds on her theory about Mary's date. "Hello! Hello! I'm still here and I wanna know who Robbie's going out with! Put him on the phone!" Mary whines. Matt hangs up on her.
The three CamBrats and Annie run into the nursery and ask RevCam whom Mary's dating. He says that The Colonel thinks Mary may be interested in some guy volunteering at some homeless shelter. Annie goes off on him for not telling her sooner. Then she catches sight of the twins and asks, "What are they wearing?" "Clean clothes," RevCam answers. One of the twins sports orange suspenders. "They would have looked better in their birthday suits," says Ruthie. "Well, I don't see any of YOU bothering to help me!" RevCam spits, arms crossed in front of his chest. "I work my taut, tan ASS off for you people and what does it get me? That's right -- ab-so-LUTE-ly NOTHING!" Matt ushers his siblings out of the room. RevCam calls after them, "Ruthie, bring Daddy his Stoli!" Except that none of that actually happens. The kids leave, and RevCam offers to call Mary and ask who she's dating. In her black leather bustier and spiked wristbands, Annie tells him to go downstairs and find out about who Robbie's dating instead. Robbie walks in and tells the CamRents that he doesn't want to talk about his date, and that Mary's interested in a guy but not actually dating him yet. He humbly stomps off, and the CamRents say, "D'oh!"
On a dark street corner, Ruthie runs to the car and tells her older brothers that Burt's pretending to be sick. She doesn't care, however, because she only asked him out in order to find out about Robbie's woman. we see Simon introducing Deena and her date Peter to his siblings. "Simon, where's your date? I thought we were double dating!" says Dense Deena. Simon tries to play it off like his alleged date stood him up, but Deena realizes what's going on and calls the whole thing off apologetically. My drunken apartment neighbors scream like banshees and laugh like hyenas. I open my door and shout, "Get thee heavenwards, family-valueless heathens!" I throw a brick wrapped in a Barry Watson poster through their window, then come back inside in time to hear Deena lisp "Happy Valentine's Day" to heartbroken Simon. He acts like he doesn't care for the sakes of Matt and Ruthie. "Face it, we're losers," says Ruthie. It's about time someone on this show admitted the truth.