Here it is -- the episode we've all been waiting for…the Camden Christian Christmas Family Values Smorgasbord Special! Nothing says Christmas like Robbie left homeless on the Promenade. Are those matches he's using to warm his hands? Is that Santa Claus stalking up beside him? Oh, no…it's only RevCam.
At the pizza parlor, Little Orphan Robbie dumps sugar into his coffee and tells Daddy RevCam all his woes. He was kicked out of his girlfriend's house and now has no place to live. His mother lost her house and took off to Florida. He can't follow her because he wants to continue his college courses. His car was towed and he can't afford to reclaim it. All the shelters are full because it's so close to Christmas. RevCam seems a tiny bit sympathetic until Robbie reveals that he and Mary were secretly dating over the summer. RevCam dumps sugar into his own coffee in an effort to be funny and put-upon.
RevCam pokes his head into his own bedroom to apologize to Annie for being late. He has a surprise for her. She lies in bed with the quilt pulled up to her neck and says that she has a surprise for him, too. RevCam runs to get his surprise. Annie throws off the covers, showing us her opaque black negligee with its rather modest lacy neckline. She's wearing a robe over it, too, so it's not like she's half nude or sexy or anything. She sits up and poses ridiculously with one hand on the back of her head. RevCam and Robbie walk in. Annie screams. RevCam screams. Robbie screams. It would have been funny if it hadn't been so harsh. Annie didn't look bad. I mean, she wasn't attractive at all, but it wasn't anything to scream about. Plus, her own husband screamed first. I hope this show isn't going the way of those "hilarious" old comic strips of the seventies, like "The Lockhorns" and "For Better or Worse." I know there are people who think that husbands and wives hating each other is comic genius, but I'm not one of them and 7th Heaven doesn't need any more help being offensive. Annie tells Robbie to go downstairs and help himself to the contents of the refrigerator. RevCam explains that Robbie will be spending the night, but that now he'll want to stay forever. Then Eric insultingly asks Annie if there was some special occasion that he forgot. She says it's Friday as she slumps forward to show us the valley within her bosom. He says, "TGIF?" She throws a pillow at him. I guess Eric's off the Nookie List tonight. Oh, but he has Robbie now. I forgot about that.
Lucy walks into the kitchen in what looks like boxer shorts and a spaghetti-strap sports bra. It's a matching ensemble, actually. Robbie sees this and tells her that he always pictured her family in robes -- big robes. Lucy says that she always pictured Robbie in his own house instead of in her kitchen at 10 PM. They discuss Mary's anger at the world. Robbie assures Lucy that he's only spending one night at the CamPound. Lucy rolls her eyes at Robbie's duffel bag full of dirty laundry and then runs up the stairs. Merry Christmas, everyone. I hope you enjoyed Lucy's bare midriff and legs. All we need now is Mary in a tight sweater and the celebration of Christ's birth will be complete.
Lucy runs into her parents' room to express her surprise that Robbie's staying at their house. RevCam quickly susses out the fact that Robbie saw Lucy in her underwear or swimsuit or whatever it is. Lucy makes a mild, unfunny comment regarding Annie's nightwear and the scene ends. Lucy, your parents have sex. It's not an appealing reality, but you need to get over it.
Simon is on the phone telling someone, "Your hair is so…girly." My guess is that he's talking to Matt. He goes on to say that the girly hair is sexy. Lucy barges in to bitch about Robbie, but Simon dismisses her. After she does her trademark face of frustration and stomps out, Simon assures his phone friend that Lucy "doesn't know." And furthermore, Simon doesn't care. Ooh -- a mystery! I'm curious to know in what way Simon's friend's identity will be boring and anticlimactic.
Lucy goes to vent her emotions to Ruthie, but Ruthie isn't in bed. She's downstairs, getting into Robbie's business. She asks him about sleeping in the great outdoors, then tries to tempt him into borrowing Matt's freshly laundered pajamas. Why are Matt's pajamas freshly laundered if he doesn't live there anymore? Oh, well. Who cares? Let's just roll with the Christmas spirit, here. RevCam comes down to shoo Ruthie away. He tells Robbie that the bathroom is upstairs, and Robbie inexplicably starts to haul all his belongings up with him. I guess the ways of the homeless have already rubbed off on him. Maybe he'll get a little grocery cart with which to push his stuff around the CamPound. RevCam says some junk about the family rule against walking around naked. Robbie pretends he isn't disappointed that he won't be seeing Eric's manly chest that night.
Over at the Swinging Bachelor Pad, John and some chick make out on the couch. Matt lies on his bunk, studying and clearing his throat. After the throat-clearing becomes loud choking and retching, John asks Matt for a word in private. In the hall, John basically tells Matt to get the hell out of the apartment and give him some privacy with his new girlfriend, Priscilla. Matt protests jealously for a bit. John steps back into the apartment to give Matt his jacket and keys. Then he locks the door from the inside. Matt walks away in his pajamas and socks. I want to know who thinks Matt's shtick is ever funny.
Simon's still on the phone. He says, "It doesn't make any difference to me, either. It's like I know you so well. Like we really know so much about each other already. Yeah, it is weird. Isn't it great?" Oh, no. Simon met a dirty old man on the Internet. That has to be it.
Mike the Formerly Suicidal Boy comes to the CamPound to see Lucy. RevCam introduces him to Robbie. Mike spews all the gossip he knows about Robbie by way of introductory pleasantries. Lucy comes down in her ugly robe and hauls Mike to the living room. RevCam suggests that he and Robbie have a sandwich and a chat. "Sure, what can I make you?" asks Robbie. Eric is surprised but pleased. "Robbie will be a better wife to me than Annie ever was!" we see him thinking.
Mike tells Lucy that he got early acceptance to college. "Yes!" she yells. She asks why he didn't come over to tell her earlier, then assumes he was on a date, then forgives him for being on a date since they aren't exclusive, then gives him a slight guilt trip about not telling her first, anyway. I think we're supposed to infer from this behavior that Lucy's jealous. Mike just looks at her like she's rude, echoing my actual thoughts.
RevCam compliments Robbie's sandwich-making skills. Robbie proffers this tip for gourmands: he mixed the ketchup with a little mayo. "Sort of a Russian dressing," he explains. Matt walks in on his well-worn mooching trail. He's inordinately annoyed by Robbie's presence. Lucy stalks in and says, "Mike had a date!" No one cares. Matt pissily questions his father. Watch out, Matt. You're about to be replaced by a man who creates Russian dressing from common household condiments.
Mary, in her absolute tons of make-up, calls the CamPound, only to be hung up on by Ruthie. She calls again and says, "Ruthie, it's Mary!" "Yeah, I know," says Ruthie before hanging up again. Mary calls back and yells for Ruthie to put Annie on the phone. "Whatever you say," says her little sister. Then she hangs up. It would have been funny if I didn't hate this show. Ruthie runs upstairs.
Robbie combs his hair shirtlessly in the CamBath. The phone rings. Strangely, he pulls two phones out of the hamper and answers one. Mary, confused, tells him that she has the wrong number. Then she calls back. Robbie walks into the hall with the two phones, confused and clad only in a blue towel. Ruthie takes the ringing phone from him and hangs up on Mary again. She asks Robbie if Mary knows about him staying at the CamPound. "I don't know," says Robbie, "but look at my muscular torso." Annie walks up. Simon comes out of his room and asks if the phone was for him. Annie meanly asks if he was expecting a call. Ruthie says that she never, ever, ever wants to talk to the big, bad Mary again. She and Simon disappear. Annie glares at Robbie and takes a call from Mary. RevCam shows up and feasts his eyes while Robbie apologizes for breaking the nakedness rule. Robbie goes back into the bathroom, and Rev yells through the door at him. He says that Robbie can stay at their house until he finds a shelter in which to live. "Matt went home!" Annie bellows. RevCam asks if Mary wanted to talk to him. Robbie leaves the bathroom, and Annie gives him a filthy look. RevCam says that Robbie has a 4.0 GPA and is on the dean's list, even though he's homeless. If RevCam hadn't known Robbie for the past year, he'd want to adopt him. "You should get the divorce, first," Annie seethes. Damn, Annie. Mellow out. I mean, I know you're mad that Robbie interrupted your night of sex, and you're sad that the night of sex was only going to be with Eric, anyway…but try to cope, woman. Anyway, I liked this scene. It was a colorful pastiche of nothingness.
Annie goes to Ruthie's room and chews her out for hanging up on Mary. Ruthie says something smart-alecky and doesn't get punished.
Simon makes a phone call.
It's the morning. Lucy tries to get the mailman to open a letter she got from a college. She's too nervous to do it herself. They make unfunny small talk. The actor playing the mailman hopes that this scene will catapult him into a recurring role on the show. Ideally, it wouldn't, but this show is horrid, so who knows?
RevCam asks Simon who he's been talking to on the phone all day. Simon won't say. RevCam invokes his parental right. Simon refuses on the grounds that RevCam is only nosy, not concerned. RevCam imagines spanking Robbie as a vent for his frustration with his own ineffective parenting.
Matt goes back to the Swinging Bachelor Pad to find John unpacking groceries. John has already made arrangements for Matt to eat dinner at the CamPound because he has a special night planned with Priscilla. Matt is upset in his petulant, queeny way. No one cares.
RevCam found a shelter for Robbie. It's not one he's ever heard of, but a shelter's a shelter, right? He tells Robbie to pack his bag so they can drive on over. They drive on over and see that the shelter is overcrowded, filthy, and haunted by a sad clarinet. RevCam can't let his new boytoy stay there with all those rough, dirty men. "Let's go home," he says, taking Robbie firmly by the sinewy young bicep.
Annie accuses RevCam of being nice to Robbie in order to gain Mary's forgiveness. RevCam thinks he's acting as a real Christian would. Annie rolls her eyes. "Don't give me any of that namby-pamby Christian bullshit, you sexless excuse for a husband," she thinks, in a way that shows plainly on her face.
Simon calls his mystery friend again. They were each wondering the same thing about each other. We don't get to hear what they were wondering, but we do hear Simon say that their shared wondering is "kind of cosmic." Then Simon asks, "So, are we really gonna do this?" I suspect he's meeting someone he met on the Internet, but it's probably something much more mundane than that.
RevCam starts dinner while Robbie studies. Lucy comes down and reveals her plan to surprise Mike with a visit at his house. Robbie is concerned, and RevCam echoes his concern. Robbie makes gracious comments about RevCam letting him stay at their house. RevCam is turned on by the respect and deference that Robbie shows him.
In the upstairs hall, Annie is annoyed to hear that Ruthie and Simon don't care about Robbie staying with them. Ruthie suggests that she move into Mary's bed so that Robbie can have hers. Then she asks why they're being so nice to Robbie. "Because we're nice to everyone," says bitchy Annie. "Amen," says Ruthie.
John and Priscilla kiss over the hot stove while Matt tries his best to get their attention. "Mommy! Mommy!" he cries to John.
Mary calls the CamPound for the zillionth time. This time Robbie answers, and she recognizes his voice. She assumes that he's there because he's dating Lucy. He doesn't correct her. RevCam walks in and Robbie hands the phone to him. Eric tells Mary that he misses her. She totally hangs up on his ass. Dang, that's cold. No wonder RevCam wants to live with Robbie instead of his own daughter.
At his front door, Mike tells Lucy that if she comes into his house, there's no going back. Lucy walks in to find Mike's mom sitting, catatonic, in the living room. They talk to her as if she can hear them, then go to the other room so Mike can explain. His mother has been this way since his dad died. Lucy pities him. He tells her not to worry because he's strong, he's alive, and he's grateful for every second of every day. "You're the most amazing guy I've ever not kissed," says Lucy. If Mike is grateful for that moment, then I pity him, too. He reminds Lucy that they agreed not to kiss until she got her acceptance letter. Then he excuses himself to continue caring for his sick mother. Lucy takes a letter out of her pocket, weighs it in her hands, puts it back into her pocket, and leaves. I'm glad that the future of Lucy's education is so closely correlated with making out with some guy. She should be proud.
John and Priscilla kiss at the dinner table. Matt talks non-stop and is ignored.
The Camdens sit down for dinner. "We usually start dinner with grace," says RevCam. "Allow me," says Robbie. There's a long dramatic pause. Robbie apologizes, then busts out with, "Father, please know how grateful I am. I was homeless, now I'm not." He goes on in that vein with a tear rolling down his cheek. He's the most grateful man to ever walk the earth as he asks God to bless the Camdens. Annie and the kids gulp and hold back their own tears. After a brown-nosing like that, how can Robbie not move in for the rest of the season?
After dinner, John hints for Matt to leave. He doesn't, so John proposes to Priscilla in front of him. Priscilla screams in her surprise and joy. Matt screams in his poor attempt at comic acting.
Some teenage guy is in Mary's room, complaining that his mother won't let him spend the night at her house anymore. Mary makes him call the CamPound and get Lucy on the phone. Then she snatches the phone away so she can threaten to fly back to Glenoak and "kick [Lucy's] butt." There's a long conversation straight from the Sitcom Museum of Antiquity during which Mary complains because she thinks Lucy's dating Robbie, but unknowing Lucy thinks she's complaining about Robbie living with them. Mary hangs up and tells her co-caller to get out. He asks if he can get a kiss, since she woke him up and all. She angrily kisses him and shoves his smiling face out the door. Who the hell was that guy? I thought they were cousins. Well, maybe they were and that's what the PSA will address.
Matt accosts his parents and the twins in the Camden living room. He announces that he'll be sleeping on their couch and then bitches about John and Priscilla's engagement. His parents find his selfishness amusing.
Ruthie shows Robbie into her Hello Kitty-bedecked room. Matt stomps in, and they all sit down to color. Ruthie calls Matt "Doc Camden" and tells him to give his new brother a hug. I think this scene was supposed to be a shout-out to me, but I'm actually mostly over my Hello Kitty craze. If Aaron Spelling starts putting Tare Panda items in Ruthie's room, we'll know for sure.
Simon informs his dad that he's going out for a while. RevCam asks if he's seeing the girl he's been phoning so much. Simon changes the subject to Robbie. He says no one likes Robbie and he can't stay. The doorbell rings, and both CamMen run downstairs. It's an attractive blonde named Sasha. She's had her license for two years and she'll be driving Simon to get ice cream in her BMW. RevCam is wary, but lets Simon go. I'm assuming that Sasha is older than Simon, but I can't really tell because all these young people with their make-up and their black clothing look the same to me. That must have been the big deal, though. Sasha's older than Simon -- big deal. Dude, it's cosmic.
In the kitchen, Lucy and Annie discuss the new Camden/Robbie arrangement. Lucy is unperturbed about the whole thing, because the Camdens' problems are nothing compared to Mike's. Her mom runs to get the twins. Lucy pulls her letter out of her pocket and opens it. She smiles. RevCam walks in and asks what the letter was. "Nothing, just some information on a college," Lucy says. Then she hugs him "for being [her] dad." They frolic as father and daughter, and the show ends. I guess she's waiting until the episode to tell Mike, and then she'll tell her family. I hope I can hold out that long. It's hard to survive for so many days without these glimpses of moral, blessed, family life.
Hey, was it Christmas or something? I didn't even see a potted poinsettia. Oh, well. Christmas came. Without boxes and bags or Camden doodads, Christmas came just the same. God bless us every one.