Hey! RevCam actually works for a living! We can tell because this episode starts with him giving a sermon. He talking around the subject of him and Annie failing as Mary's parents, but no one's listening. They're all too busy gossiping about Mary. Grace Poole and the others tell each other what they heard -- that Mary's pregnant, that she's been institutionalized, that she's a drunk, that she ran away. In a way that's realistic, because churches are traditionally hotbeds of trash talking. However, at the church I attended as a teenager, we at least had the decency to wait until after Mass.
After the service, RevCam and Annie go to his office. Annie says, "I know it's only been a week, but I miss Mary." RevCam expresses regret over the way they shipped her off to his parents' house. Annie tells him not to beat himself up. At least they have the whole community supporting them, she says. She feels blessed. Just then, Grace Poole and some other woman walk down the hall, dishing dirt on the Mary's Pregnant theory. Eric and Annie overhear and are shocked, simply shocked.
Dopey Matt walks out of the church in his gray shirt and matching tie. Some chick in a wedding gown hops out of a limo and asks for directions to St. Monica's church. Matt can only smile and nod, presumably because this woman is supposed to be pretty. She's blonde and reminiscent of Chickenhead and the Stalkworthy Blind Girl. Her wedding ensemble is rather tacky. The dress is strapless, and she's wearing a marabou collar with dangling strands of fake pearls. Her long white gloves are trimmed with marabou, too. I didn't know Frederick's of Hollywood was selling bridal-wear now. Matt finally catches his snap and gives the woman directions. She thanks him, smiling slinkily, and disappears. If you guessed that this is the beginning of another Stalking Subplot, then give yourself a little treat for being so clever.
Lucy and Ruthie serve punch to the parishioners. Two chicks walk up and ask if it's true that Mary's pregnant and on the run from the law. Lucy isn't about to share her family's business with them. They walk off, confounded, and Ruthie asks if Mary's really pregnant. Lucy explains that Katie and Chris just like to gossip. The sisters hate that everyone's talking about Mary. "We should have just killed her instead of sending her to live with Grandma and Grandpa," Ruthie says. Just kidding.
In another part of the after-service cookie-and-punch room, Funny Friend Luke tells Simon that he can use Mary's bad reputation to his advantage. "Bad is good! Bad is cool! Man, we're gonna ride your sister's rep all the way to Babetown!" Hey, now...calm down, Luke. He explains to Simon that girls love bad guys, and that the Murphy twins think Simon's bad. The Murphy twins are, of course, the Olsen twins. They smile at Simon in their sweaters and pearls. They're not as homely as I remembered. I guess they just had to grow into those faces.
Upstairs at the CamPound, Annie announces to Eric that she's planning to have dinner with an old boyfriend named Robin. Eric says no. Annie says, "Bitch, I didn't ASK you, I TOLD you." RevCam points out that it's not the best time for StuporMom to go on a "date," when "the whole town's gossiping about Mary." Annie says he's just in a bad mood because of the gossip. She tells him they should have expected it. "Rick Nelson," non-sequiturs RevCam. "When Rick Nelson died in a plane crash, all the papers ran articles claiming that drug use was responsible for the crash. When they finally figured out that the accident was caused by a faulty heater, no one listened. The truth wasn't as interesting as the fiction, so what do people remember? That Rick Nelson was a musical pioneer, that, to this day, he is the only artist ever to have a number one TV show, a number one album, and a number one single, all in the same week...no, they remember the rumor, the gossip." It should comfort RevCam to know that I don't remember Rick Nelson's music, his show, OR the gossip. However, I bet you anything he was smoking weed when the faulty heater caused the airplane crash. Annie tells Eric that he's right, but that she's still going out with Robin. She has some kind of guts. If I tried to pull that with my husband, fire would shoot out of his eyes and burn down our trailer.
At What's His Name's Pool Hall, swinging bachelors John and Matt discuss the mysterious tacky bride. Suddenly, she's there! She's talking on the pay phone, wearing her dress but none of the frou frou that went with it. She's not beautiful like the guys are saying she is. Her hair looks like it was soaked in ashy bleach and then cut with pruning shears. She struts up to Matt and says that he gives good directions. Then she kisses him. "I wanted to do that when I saw you earlier," she claims. Matt says okay. Then she runs her fingers through his ever-greasy hair, because she wanted to do that, too. She walks off, and Matt says, "I'm gonna marry that woman." John prompts him to run after her and get her name. Hopefully he'll get some herpes, too, while he's at it.
RevCam sits on his bed with his unplugged Gibson and a -- what is that, a DVD? -- about Rick Nelson. Ruthie walks in just in time to hear him singing about the girls he has in various ports. There's a pretty señorita in Mexico and a cute little Eskimo in Alaska. Oh, yeah. That's musical pioneering, all right. Rick Nelson opened the doors to international sexual objectification of women, it seems. Ruthie doesn't care about that song, though. She hops on the bed and asks her dad if Mary's pregnant. Eric denies all the rumors Ruthie heard at church. He assures her that Mary will be back soon and that everyone will realize the truth. Then he pumps up the non-jams again. I imagine the congregation's reaction to the truth: "The CamRents kicked their daughter to the curb for drinking half a beer? Damn, that's lame."
Remember Mike, the boy who tried to kill himself? The one who made the dating contract with Lucy? Well, he shows up at the CamDoor. Lucy lets him in, saying she forgot all about their study date that night. Mike hopes she didn't also forget about their Senior Dance date on Friday. She didn't. They converse about the Mary gossip. Mike has sawed off his mullet, I'm happy to report. He suggests that Lucy divert attention from Mary by giving the busybodies something else to talk about -- something like her relationship with Mike. "We could have sex on the front lawn of the school!" he offers. Just kidding. Lucy doesn't want to be the subject of gossip. Mike has another idea. She could start a pity-garnering rumor about her own family so that people will be too sympathetic to talk trash. Lucy asks if that worked for him. Mike didn't try it because he doesn't care if people talk about him. "Once you've spent some time in a mental hospital, you discover quickly that gossip is not the worst thing that can happen to you," he tells her. The first thing that comes to my mind is anal rape by evil orderlies. Sorry, but that was what I thought of when he said that. This show just brings out the bad-prison-movie connoisseuse in me, for some reason. We see that Ruthie has been eavesdropping on Lucy and Mike. The Acoustic Guitar of Stupid Subplot Foreshadowing playfully strums.
On Monday, Ruthie tells her principal that Lucy has a learning disability. On Tuesday, Ruthie tells her that Simon is mute. On Wednesday, the story is that Matt has lived in his car since getting out of jail. On Thursday, RevCam's lost his job. On Friday, Ruthie brings it all home with the revelation that Annie drinks all day. "Do you feel sorry for me and my family? Good. Spread it around," she tells the principal. The only reason any of this stuff was funny is because it'll probably be true by season.
RevCam "serenades" Annie in the kitchen. He still hasn't plugged in his electric guitar. RevCam, either buy an amp, or buy an acoustic, or -- best of all -- just shut up. Annie yells, "Are you gonna stop playing Ricky Nelson songs, and help me?" RevCam says no and keeps playing. Annie says, "No sex for you tonight." Just kidding. She should have, though. Eric puts down his guitar and explains that all the gossip has stressed him out and caused him to abuse his family's ears with his Nelson homages. He pretends to start helping StuporMom, but then there's a knock at the door and he happily runs to get it.
It's Grace Poole and her niece Pauline, who is played by the chick who played Jennifer on Square Pegs and the nun on Father Dowling Mysteries. RevCam calls Grace Poole "Mrs. Beeker" or something, and I wonder why the hell I've been calling her "Grace Poole" all this time. Then I go back to the second recap from last season and remember that Mr. Stupidhead dubbed her thusly. So screw it. That's her name. Grace says that Niece Pauline is a family counselor. She thought the Camdens could use her services. Pauline asks Eric and Annie if they've hugged yet today. "I think that a hug can solve all the trouble in the world -- famine, disease, war -- just give it a hug!" Pauline says. Eric asks if she learned that in hug class. Annie is all "thanks but no, thanks." RevCam points out that he himself is a family counselor. "A counselor who counsels himself has a fool for a patient," busts out Pauline. She hands him her card, and then she and Grace hit the road. Annie informs Eric that she's still going out with Robin that night. He says okay, because "that way the whole town can stop gossiping about Mary and start gossiping about her tart of a mother who's painting the town red with her old high-school boyfriend." I swear that's really what he said. Annie goes, "Did you just call me a TART?" But she says it in the supposed-to-be-funny way and not in the PISSED-off way I would have said it if my husband had tried that mess with me. She runs off. Eric smiles and quotes Pauline the Huggalizer as if he's not a big freaking jerk. Seriously -- I would have beat the crap out of him.
The Nameless Bartender tells Matt that he still doesn't know anything about the runaway bride. Matt rants for a while, then asks why he can't get this chick off his mind. "She's the most beautiful woman you've ever seen?" the bartender offers. "Yes," says Matt. Shut up, Matt, you fricking stalker.
Katie and Chris gossip to Lucy outside their school. They heard that Mike tried to kill himself because his girlfriend moved to another country. What's with the international teenage love affairs on this show? Lucy tells the girls that she isn't "dating" Mike. That's not what they heard. Lucy doesn't want to be talked about. Katie and Chris tell her to pick another boyfriend, then, because Mike is "permagossip." Permagossip -- that's actually pretty good.
Meanwhile, Luke's hassling Simon about making a move on the Murphy girls. What do you know? Here they come. Simon says he's been waiting for the right moment. Luke shoves him into the twins' path. Simon starts, "Hi, I was wondering..." and the Olsen/Murphy with the shorter hair tells him, "Yeah, we'll go out with you." The children quickly make plans to meet for their double date at the Promenade, at six. The Murphy girls will be with a group of friends, because their parents prefer it that way. They walk off and I say, "Score." Then Luke says, "Score." Then Simon says, "Double score!" Shut up, you two. It's only cool when I say it.
Lucy is still lollygagging around campus when she runs into Mike. He asks what time he should pick her up for the dance that night. She lies her ass off, claiming that an emergency came up and she can't go. Mike is really cool about it. What a jerk Lucy is. It's only natural, though. Her father is RevCam.
Robin shows up for his dinner with Annie. He misremembers Eric's name and then says "whatever" when corrected. The men make small talk. We learn that Robin wrote a self-help book called "L" is for Losers -- Don't Be One. He says his teachings are "based on brutal honesty and love. It's a lot like the Bible." Eric's ears perk up. Robin clarifies, "I'm not comparing myself to...who wrote the Bible?" Eric answers, "That would be God." Uh, yeah. I don't think that God actually wrote the Bible, but I don't play a minister on TV, so what do I know? Robin goes on, "If you come to me fat and unhappy, I'm not gonna cry and tell you it's all gonna be okay. I'm gonna say, 'Hey, fatso, get up off the couch, put down the chips, and do something.'" Well, why waste all that breath? Why not just print up some bumper stickers, Robin? Annie comes downstairs in a dress that's trying to show her cleavage. "Annster!" Robin yells. The happy couple leaves, and RevCam tells Happy that he hates Robin. Happy doesn't care.
Lucy sulkily eats a carrot stick in the kitchen. I wonder why she isn't eating actual comfort food. RevCam walks in, sees that she's in a bad mood, and offers to buy her some ice cream. Aw. Lucy's lackadaisical. Her dad asks if there was a dance that night. She doesn't want to discuss it. Simon and Ruthie enter. Ruthie hands Simon a list of questions about twins to ask the Murphy girls. Lucy perks up for long enough to interject that she heard the Murphy twins were "pretty wild." Simon uses Mary as an example of why Lucy shouldn't believe everything she hears. He takes off. Ruthie tells Lucy not to be sad about Mary. "I'll take care of everything," the little brat says.
Runaway Bride shows up at Eddie's Pool Hall in leather pants and a too-tight white t-shirt. She tells the bartender that she's looking for a guy. He tells her that a guy's looking for her, too.
The Murphy twins meet Simon and Luke, wearing leather jackets and truckloads of make-up. "Tell your dad there is a God," says Luke. Why? Are the twins carrying their Bibles? The girls reveal that they lied about the group of friends they'd be with. They showed up alone. They have four hours to kill before it's time to remove their make-up, change back into less skanky clothes, and be picked up by their parents. Oh, how wild. How risqué.
We're treated to a commercial for the latest Mary Kate and Ashley video. It's something about the Olsen twins surfing and solving crime in Australia, I think. I didn't care enough to rewind and get the details.
RevCam stops outside Baskin Robbins and runs into Ruthie's principal. She lets on that she knows about his family's multitude of problems. RevCam wants to know exactly what Ruthie said.
Meanwhile, Ruthie has told Lucy the whole story of her diversionary gossip tactic. She thinks that the CamRents will thank her when they found out what she did. Lucy begs to differ.
Robin and Annie eat at Eddie's Pool Hall, partially because the fancy restaurant lost their reservation, and partially because the Gypsy Café set was unavailable that day, I guess. Robin attempts to regale Annie with a tale of a former classmate who's "a loser" because he works at a deli. Quit reading my website, Aaron Spelling. I only worked at the deli for a little while! Annie says, of the deli-worker bashing, "That's not very nice." Robin offers to sell her a copy of his book for ten dollars off. He says it'll change her life. Annie makes her charging bull face. Just then, Grace Poole and Pauline walk in and see her with her "date." They immediately get a table so they can spy.
At some convenience store, one of the twins steals some barrettes. Simon offers to pay for them. "Why?" the girl asks. Simon says that putting barrettes down her blouse is called shoplifting. "You guys should try it," the other twin says. Luke wants to get some play that night, so he puts a candy bar in his shirt while the store proprietor isn't looking. Then he drops it on the floor and makes a guilty face. The man turns around. Instead of just playing it off like he dropped a candy bar, Luke picks it up and runs off with the twins. "Hey, you!" yells the man. "You didn't pay for that! Get back here!" Simon finally decides that now would be a good time for him to run, too. What a bunch of dummies. That's the worst shoplifting I've ever seen. Well, except for that one time that my brothers dared me to steal a bag of potato chips, and I fell down and dropped the chips as I was trying to run out the door. But still.
The Unknown Bartender calls Matt. The Blonde O' the Week's name is Julia, and she's a model, and she wants Matt to meet her at some place or other that night. Matt tells John the good news, but John isn't very enthusiastic. He points out that Matt's always falling in love. Matt says, "You're just jealous." John sarcastically agrees.
Meanwhile, on the delinquent double date, the Murphy twins encourage Simon to skip out on their restaurant bill. Simon! Watch out for that self-constructed treacherous road!
Lucy gets Ruthie out of bed. Why? Because she's changed her mind about going to the dance. She's all tarted up in a dress that threatens to upchuck her breasts. Ruthie and the twins have to accompany her to the dance, because there's no one else home to watch after them. Ruthie asks if the CamRents will be very upset with her for lying to the principal. I certainly hope so.
In line at Flicks, one of the Murphy twins pinches the ass of the girl in front of her. The girl screeches, turns, and assumes Simon was the culprit. The girl's boyfriend gets ready to kick some Camden ass. Simon and his crew run away again. One of the Murphy criminals suggests sneaking into the movie.
Back at Eddie's, Grace Poole has called four of her closest friends to join the spectator sport. The biddies and Pauline eat their burgers and wait for something scandalous to happen between Annie and Robin. RevCam walks in with Ruthie's principal, and the busybodies gasp like they just got to the "good part" in a necking-only romance novel. Eric's there to tell Annie what Ruthie did. The CamRents go off to talk, leaving the principal to sit with Robin. Annie accuses Eric of merely wanting to break up her date with Robin. Eric cops to it, and Annie thanks him because "Robin is horrible." It's good that she had her big, strong husband to save her, then. I'd hate for her to have to cut the date short herself. Oh, no. That would be too assertive. The CamRents notice Grace & Friends staring at them. RevCam has had it. He stomps over to their table with Annie on his heels. He tells Grace that he and Annie are dating other people. He explains that the whole thing with Mary was just a cover story for their new swingers' lifestyle. Grace coughs in indignation. Why can't Johnny come out and punch RevCam in the face again?
In the theater, Simon admonishes his Murphy date for her misdemeaning ways. She kisses him, and that shuts him up. She's about to kiss him again when the usher shines a flashlight in their faces and shrilly asks to see their ticket stubs.
Mike has gone to the Senior Dance alone. Lucy shows up with a twin on her hip and her siblings in tow and asks him if he wants to dance. He is of course all happy to see Lucy and her bosom. They dance while Katie and Chris stare in surprise. Lucy tells Mike that she isn't going to let gossip come between them. Whoop-dee-doo.
Of course Sgt. Michaels is the officer who shows up to bust Simon and Co. He and Simon have their little talk, and I can't help but notice that the two of them have matching eyebrows. "There's nothin' good about bein' bad," says Sgt. Michaels. He's fixed it all up so that no one will press charges. Simon just has to give him a little kiss, he says. Just kidding.
Grace apologizes to RevCam and relates the revelation she had about the evils of gossip. Sgt. Michaels beeps RevCam's beeper.
A Murphy girl apologizes to Simon and explains that she and her sister aren't actually so bad. They pretended to be bad in order to teach Simon and Luke a lesson. Yeah, tell that to the people from whose stuff you stole. I'm sure they'll understand. The two of them plan for another date and then kiss. The CamRents show up and break Simon's mack flow.
Matt comes home to his Swingin' Bachelor Pad, all forlorn. He went to meet Julia but she wasn't there. John is smiling. Why? Because Julia's waiting for Matt in the other room. John tells Matt not to let this one get away, and then he makes himself scarce. Julia explains the contrived reasons she's there and then kisses Dopey. She was wearing the wedding dress for a photo shoot. She's leaving town the morning. Matt asks if she wants to go out and get some coffee. Julia shakes her head. Guess what Matt says then? You'll never guess. Give up? Okay. He says, "Do you wanna stay and make out like crazy 'til your plane leaves?" Julia kisses him. I guess it's possible that she's a virgin who likes to make out with strangers, too. I mean, it's possible in the 7th Heaven world.
Can this episode please hurry up and end? Lucy asks Mike if the girlfriend-in-another-country story is true. He gives a PSA about suicide not being romantic. Then the CamRents show up at the dance so they can scold Ruthie. They bend down to her level and ask what was up with her lying. Ruthie makes a speech about missing Mary, so the CamRents' guilty consciences keep them from punishing her. The DJ puts on a fricking Ricky Nelson song, and everyone dances. That's punishment enough for me.
week: Oh, dang, y'all -- watch out! Simon's in the 'hood! Not only does he start hanging with "the wrong crowd," he gets the black-and-white Mary treatment on the title screen! His new friends wear knitted caps and big silver chains. One of them slaps Lucy and then threatens to teach Annie about respect. Ooh...I'm scared! I didn't know Glenoak had boyz in its 'hoods!