Ryan asks if he knew how he was, per Simon, doing onstage. Ace says he felt good, but that he had his "girls" behind him, indicating the Kitty Pound, and the awesome band playing and the backup singers. Ryan asks him -- as he's sure all of voting America would surely request -- to do the staring into the camera some more. He obliges with a friendly, un-self-conscious stare into the camera. It's not the "eye-fuck," as Constantine's predations were so charmingly christened, so it's not septic, but it's just...I don't see the problem. There's no problem. Hand me my phone! No, kidding, I just -- he's a nice kid, and a nice-looking kid, and clearly doesn't have a lot invested in the fact that he's gorgeous, because it's nothing that spectacular to have that handed to you. So there's no desperation behind it, just "it seems to produce a positive effect when I make my face go like this," and so he does it, and it produces the desired effect. Ryan laughs, Simon laughs, Ace giggles and has a million teeth.
On the balcony, Taylor Hicks loses his fucking equilibrium some more. Isn't he just so cute? Isn't he an original? Don't you wish he would date you? I love guys that can't keep their shit together for more than five seconds in front of a camera! I love social disorders. They're so cute. So original! I wonder if he has any inventions to patent? Commercials. Every time I see an ad for the Pink Panther movie it's like I'm being shocked for the first time that it's actually a thing. It's like seeing a unicorn, but with only three legs. Taylor Hicks is like that too.
Coming back, Ryan has finally regained his giggly composure, so that's good. Taylor spazzes out about how he has Jay Leno's hair but not his chin, and Ryan plays along with his antics. I can't wait for that to go south, once they all realize Brenna's a pussycat compared to the giant bag of bullshit Hicks is schlepping. Where is the actual Taylor Hicks in this? I don't get who he is at all. "Inner ear disorder" does not equal "personality." Over the highlights of Taylor's journey, he tells us how the walk to the Hollywood Chair "seemed like the longest walk in history." It fucking was, thanks to your harmonica and showboating. He's chosen to sing "Levon," by Elton John and Bernie Taupin (who gets a well-deserved shout-out), because "it possesses family values." You lost me there, in a big way. Just because it fucking mentions the name "Jesus" does not mean it has "family values," and I have no idea what you even fucking mean like that anyway, but "Levon" is a song about a vet who's crushed by his familial obligations and eventually loses any kind of valid communication with his kid and dies alone with only his money for company. That's actually all the song "possesses": bummer values. Much like the entire album. On the other hand, he's right by being wrong, because if he's blinded by the "Jesus" and "God" references -- and he actually knows the words to the damn song -- it's a fine bet the voters will be too. Scoring him low on "reading comprehension" but pretty damn high on "cynicality."
He hunches over ridiculously and sings the song. This is the weirdest fucking season of this show ever. I don't get it. Remember when they were pretty and dumb and didn't all have syndromes? Remember when their quirks were secondary to their carefully-packaged image? When did that change? Will has no idea what he's doing, trying to dance around on the balcony. He thinks the big part is coming in like eleven times before it actually does. Taylor Hicks has an amazing, beautiful voice. But he wriggles around weirdly and whatever, and smiles ferociously as he's singing, and I think he's gotten fatter, and he looks like a drunk lawyer at a barbecue when he sings. Paris screams "Baby!" at him while he's singing. At the end, he reverts back to the dorky smile and wiggling all around like a palsied cocker spaniel with his eyes closed and screaming "Woo!" for no reason. Seriously. What is the deal?