Mary is just "an average girl, not a desperate girl." She's from Tampa, the main export of which is reality-dating-show participants. No, really. I learned it from my World Almanac the last time I was playing Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego. Oslo is textiles, Tampa is reality-dating-show participants. Knowing that helped me locate a V.I.L.E. Henchman and everything! And a warrant to arrest Nick Brunch! Anyway, Mary is a sales manager, and she's...oh my stars, she's thirty-five! I thought she said she wasn't a desperate girl. Well, sorry, Grandma, but the numbers don't lie.
Misty, twenty-four, is blonde trash from Dallas. And she's a "Radio Promotions Assistant," so I guess she's the one who hands out the Wacky 97 bumper stickers at the mall when she's not filling in as the sound effects girl on the Morning Zoo With Tommy and Mommy, or whatever shit. Misty does that age-old line about how going on a reality show to find love is "the same as going out to the bar and maybe finding someone." I guess the only real difference is that, unlike seedy singles bars in Texas, when you're seeing random urine around these parts it's because it's being tested.
Darla is twenty-six, and an attorney from Gainesville, Florida. She's "pretty fulfilled" with her life professionally, and we cut to her in her office, leafing through Many Thick Books in an effort to look incredibly pah-fessional.
Karin is a thirty-two-year-old mortgage consultant. She's from Brooklyn (whoo!) Park (where?), Minnesota (oooooh). She is leggy, African-American, and stunning. She tells us, "There is no ring on my finger and, hopefully, if I were to get picked, there would be a ring on my finger." Let's talk after you get picked, though, okay?
Stacey is almost pretty. She's also almost from Cleveland (Massillon?), almost a professional career woman (hair stylist), and almost telling the truth about her age. The only thing she won't almost do is win.
Jenny is thirty, so she's "dated around." Here's her on her: "Four or five long-term relationships and they didn't work out. So I don't know what I'm doing wrong." She's a "director of marketing" from Austin, and if her marketing of herself is any indication of how she directs marketing, her love life and her job and her dye job might all be in some serious trouble.
A production drone carrying balloons walks up to Shea, a firefighter, with an enormous smile, who is from Shreveport, Louisiana. She seems utterly unfazed at having been chosen for the show, but then tells us in confessional that she doesn't want to cry "in front of the guys." She's just a "strong Southern girl working in a man's world." Is that the first line of a Loretta Lynn song? Typical firehouse fodder ensues, including the obligatory contestant-sliding-down-a-fire-pole shot. What kind of season would this be without one of the contestants sliding down a fire pole? I guess it would be Season One, Two, or Four.
“ Antoinette would be the perfect wife because she wants to 'mother.' Just as long as this so- called 'mothering' doesn't include any so- called 'breastfeeding,' seeing as it's dangerous to feed babies 'saline.' ”
Lanah and her blowjob lips are heading west from Poolesville, Maryland.
Heather is a twenty-four-year-old administrative assistant from Cincinnati. She has a birthmark and is no Marilyn Monroe, lemme tell ya. She's modeling a wedding dress even though she's not getting married. Bear in mind that that is a hallmark of psychotic behavior, and we'll check back in with Heather later, m'kay?
Antoinette would be the perfect wife because she wants to "mother." Just as long as this so-called "mothering" doesn't include any so-called "breastfeeding," seeing as it's dangerous to feed babies "saline."
Jenn is tall and long, a spunky-looking twenty-six-year-old teacher from La Jolla. She thinks the fact that the Bachelor is Bob makes things more "competitive." Because he's just like you and me?
Twenty-four-year-old retail buyer from Seattle Lauren tells us: "I've always dreamed of having a summer wedding, having a strapless dress that's kind of tight all the way down and then flares out at the bottom and has a long train in the back. I've always wanted a little tiara with a veil on it." And what about the husband? "The what?"
Poor, poor Christine. Simply adorable. But listen to this: "I will make the best wife for Bob because I will be a servant to him." What? WHAT? Wait, I...WHAT?
The Bachelor Prize Patrol Van pulls up in front of Meredith's house. She's a makeup artist from Portland who gives another balloon-toting guy the fifteenth big ol' girly hug he has absolutely no need for.
Aw, Kristi has cute cheeks!
Brooke's got the Krazy Eyes, people.
Another Lindsay doesn't "like to get involved" with drama. Which is why she lives in a cloistered convent, rather than going on a reality dating show.
Okay, this is super-dumb. Samentha and Leona are twin sisters. This is silly because (a) they travel identically and in step all the time and (b) they wear exactly the same clothes and (c) how are they supposed to marry Bob if they're always busy haunting the hallways of The Overlook Hotel and (d) there's no money in being twin Fairuza Balk imitators, anyway. Why are they being introduced together? Why did the producers think they'd be able to differentiate themselves from one another in so short a span to be able to get chosen? Why are they doing this sequence of the two of them stepping out of dressing rooms, wearing identical clothes? And most importantly, who stole the shooting script to Big Business, and why won't they just give it back already?