Hello and welcome to another season of 7th Heaven recaps. It's been a long, hot, smarmless summer, hasn't it? I hope you behaved yourselves according to Camden principles. I sure did. I wore tight t-shirts and made sassy, unfunny remarks at every opportunity. Sadly, though, my recap partner Cate didn't learn last season's lessons. She tried a cigarette, flipped a two-handed bird, and got a hickey. That's why Sars said I could write the recap for the premiere. Tough break, Cate, but you've got to learn.
The episode starts with Annie "StuporMom" Camden and Eric "RevCam" Camden sitting cross-legged on their bed. "I signed up for school today," Annie gleefully confides. "What school?" Eric asks. Why, Crawford University, of course. There's only one college in town worth going to, and it's called Crawford. If it's good enough for Matt "LardHead" Camden and every other twentysomething on the show, it's good enough for StuporMom, right? Annie says she's going to get her teaching certification. "Now?" says Eric densely. Annie nods and snorts as if she just took a really harsh bong hit. Eric reminds her that they have seven kids. Annie goes, "Oh, really? Is that what that major vaginal pain was? Thanks for letting me know." Oh, wait, no -- she says something about how the older ones are old enough to take care of themselves and the twins are the only little ones left. Eric says that Matt is still actually a child. Annie refutes this, saying that Matt and his girlfriend Heather are "practically married." "No, they're not," argues RevCam. "That's just what we tell each other every time we get nervous that those two might be shacking up." Ooh..."shacking up"! Shades of Soap in the seventies! Eric's fumbling with a bottle, which I assume is his anti-heart-attack prescription. He expresses hope that their daughter Mary will soon tire of her series of minimum-wage jobs and join Matt in college. Annie's not buying it. Eric carps about having to pay so much tuition, including Annie's. He starts flaking out over Simon's, Ruthie's, and the twins' foreseen behavioral problems. "So what are you saying?" Annie asks him. "That the whole family's so dangerous that I can't take one or two hours away from them to take one course?" Eric gives her one of his wimp shrugs. "I'm going back to college," she grinds, doing the first of her many, many jack-o-lantern-like facial expressions this hour. Eric puts on his robe to go downstairs. Annie advises him to get some sleep so he can watch the twins while she's gone in the morning. "Of course," he passive-aggressifies, stalking out of the room. Annie ruins any chutzpah she almost might have shown by sticking out her tongue at his back. He comes back to ask when she'd been planning to tell him about her class. She says she'd planned to tell him just when she told him. "Well, thank you, Mrs. Camden," Eric says, causing her to pout us into the credits as she retires for the evening in full make-up.
Oh my gosh! Lucy's new opening-credit cleavage almost blinded me! But oh, how I missed that raspy theme song. My morals were flagging this summer, y'all, but now I think I might be saved after all.
Ruthie "Spoiled Brat" Camden is in the nursery dancing with the twins to techno-ish music that sounds like a talk-show theme on Univision. Quick -- say hi to the twins! Oh, too bad. You missed it. They're gone. Maybe they'll come back later in the hour, though.
Simon "Love Bite" Camden is in his room, bobbing his head arhythmically to some guitar thing that sounds like Edgar or Johnny Winters. (It wasn't, though, because the closing credits said it was some other guy. I guess Edgar or Johnny had a kid.) Simon grew out his Bart Simpson spikes, and he's wearing gel on the sides of his head instead of the top now. His eyebrows are as big and black as ever, though. I wonder if Lance Bass left a bottle of peroxide on the set last year.
Lucy "SkankyPure" Camden jogs out of her walk-in closet with her hands full of the Sears junior department fall line. She's either having an upright seizure or dancing while she lip-synchs to some Laura-Brannigan-esque song. As I pause my VCR to type this, Lucy's head is frozen, open-mouthed, to a poster showing Shirley Manson's head in the exact same position. It's unnerving, the way they used some no-name song instead of a kick-ass one by Garbage. Maybe it was because Shirley doesn't pen such uplifting lyrics as "But you won't keep a good girl, won't keep a good girl down!" You hear that, people? Lucy's not going down, so quit asking.
Mary "DumbAss" Camden stomps down to the kitchen to inform her dad that she needs transportation to her new job. Eric makes a few bitchy comments, prompting sassy Mary to say, "Just because you're mad at Mom doesn't mean you have to take it out on me." Eric corrects her, saying that the word is "angry," not "mad." Huh? Whatever. He says he's not angry with Annie. "Well, at least I'm not dating that loser Robbie anymore," Mary states in flawless non-sequitur. She informs us that she's now a pool-hall waitress. She argues with her dad over who gets to drop off whom that day. Annie flounces downstairs and informs them that Lucy is taking one car, and Annie's taking the other. "Hell-O!" Mary rudely interjects, griping that she needs a car. "Hello! Earn money and buy one!" says Annie. Blam! Mary complains that the CamRents bought Matt a car. Annie says that was because Matt's going to college. She asks how much money Mary's saved this summer. Mary hasn't saved any, she's been buying stuff on credit, and she refuses to go to college until she knows what she's going for. Eric suggests she go so that she can earn a living and make enough money for a house and car of her own someday. "You don't own your own home. This is the church's home," Mary tells her parents. Ooh, burn! I'm glad she said that, too, because with all this talk about finances, I was starting to wonder for the zillionth time how the heck the Camdens survive on a preacher's salary. I guess having a mortgage-free house helps, and they probably eat the canned goods the parishioners bring in at Thanksgiving, and maybe RevCam just helps himself to the collection plate when the phone bill's due, but -- what? -- none of the kids can work during the summer? What's up with that? Where are they getting the cash to buy the multiple sound systems and crappy CDs? Eric sticks his hand in Mary's face to indicate the five years he spent at college, studying to get the job that provides their house. She rolls her eyes and runs out of the room. Annie starts giving Eric instructions about the twins' care and feeding. He's mildly chafed by the patronization. For some reason, we get a close-up of Annie's Early Childhood Education textbook.
Ruthie enters and asks if her parents are "still fighting." "Shut your precocious mouth, little girl," says Eric. Oh, I mean he says that they're not fighting. Ruthie asks if they're getting divorced. The CamRents mumble excuses as Ruthie walks away. Eric says that he doesn't mind Annie going back to school. He just wonders why she has to do it right now. Maybe she's sick of looking at your face, Eric. Ever think of that? Annie leaves.
Simon enters the kitchen in his all-black outfit. He's upset about starting high school without his junior-high buddies. Eric says that Lucy can show Simon around the campus. Simon gets all pissy, asking, "What do I look like -- a total geek?" No, honey. You look like a former boy-band member who's bitter because he quit before they hired the choreographer. RevCam starts, "I remember my first day of high school..." "We all do," interrupts Simon. "You told us about it a thousand times." Whoa! Harsh! This show is just full of hardcore declarations tonight, isn't it? RevCam is, mercifully, momentarily silenced by this smackdown. Instead of letting the sleeping dog lie, Simon gets all up in his dad's personal space and starts freaking out. "What if high school's just not a good experience for me? What if I'm unpopular? What if I can't make good grades? What if I never have a best friend in high school? What if I never have a girlfriend again?" he foams. Shh, Simon, don't you fret. You can have a bad high-school experience and then make up for it by getting paid to criticize shows about high-school students. Everything's gonna be okay. Hush. Eric tells him to chill and stop playing What If. Then Simon comes out with his cold-blooded piece de resistance. He tells his father, "Don't you wonder, 'What if my wife meets some college professor that she wants to run off with so she can get away from me and seven kids and all that church stuff?'" Dang, dang, DANG, that was cold (if grammatically lame)! Eric makes a face like he just found a pinworm on his boxers. Simon leaves him with that thought.
RevCam thinks his crappy morning's over, but he's wrong. Lucy literally bounces in, wearing really low-cut pants and a matching handkerchief top. She's June, and she's busting out all over in copious amounts of self-tanner, the likes of which haven't been seen since Tiffany-Amber Thiessen's prime-time years. Eric informs us that Andrew Nayloss's dad sent him to Europe over the summer to keep his son from dating Lucy. "Dad, why do you think I'm dressed like this?" Lucy asks. Oh, I know this one! Let me try! Is it because the show's wardrobe person just barely got around to reading three-year-old issues of YM and thinks that white lip gloss and zigzag parts are still in style? Is that the answer? What'd I win? Eric guesses, "...because you assume that I have absolutely no say in what you wear." Lucy corrects us both. According to her, she's showing so much orange skin because "not even Andrew Nayloss's father will be able to keep Andrew from this." She twirls, showing RevCam what is almost her plumber's crack. RevCam gets up and puts a long-sleeved red shirt on her, and then picks up a stapler and staples it closed. Ha! I actually laughed at that. But now that the writers have splurged on that joke for the premiere, the budget's tapped out and they can't purchase funny writing for the rest of the season. Oh, well. It was almost worth it.
Because the kitchen set was apparently the only one functioning at the time, RevCam continues to sit in it as Matt enters with his ever-dirty laundry. The two of them have a long, long parry-and-thrust about the state of Matt's relationship with Heather. RevCam asks if Matt's living with her. Matt says, "We uh did uh a really...stupid...thing. It was stupid." Then, FINALLY, they cut me some slack with a commercial. Man.
In a flashback to the Oakwood Chapel, Heather smilingly jilts Matt, who couldn't even wash his hair for his own thwarted wedding. The scene fades back to Matt in the kitchen with his dad. He goes on to explain that he's not living with Heather. They're together a lot, but not living together. RevCam hiccups or something and then Matt warns, "Don't ask, okay? You're only going to make me mad." RevCam tells him, "It's 'angry,' not 'mad,'" and then asks if Matt's ever going to marry Heather. Matt answers negatively. Eric suggests Matt be honest with her. Matt makes some stupid excuse and then asks his dad to talk to Heather. Eric refuses to break up with Heather on Matt's behalf. Gosh, Matt's a loser.
Mr. Russo, the new principal of Roosevelt Elementary, is telling Ruthie's class that their new fourth-grade teacher couldn't make it in from New York after all. So their teacher for the year is Ms. Riddle, the woman who called Ruthie stupid the year before. A couple of Ruthie's classmates whisper that Ms. Riddle called them "moron" and "imbecile," respectively. So what does a teacher have to do to get fired in this district, I wonder? Ruthie asks to be excused, saying that she's sick. Mr. Russo, who's sort of cute with his red hair and huge white tie, looks stunned and follows her out the door. Cue the wary clarinet, please.
Lucy, now with one button fastened on the red shirt, accosts two boys in the high school hallway and asks if they've seen Andrew Nayloss. It's a good thing she keeps repeating his last name, because I almost forgot it after the first twenty times. The boys tell her that Andrew found a girlfriend in Europe and isn't coming back. Instead of gathering some dignity and walking away, Lucy says, "So? This is America!" (Shout-out to me! How'd they know it'd be me and not Cate recapping this episode? I knew I'd get a personal shout-out sooner or later!) Lucy starts barking that she's Andrew's girlfriend and this is their senior year. One of the boys tells her, "Don't yell at me. I had nothing to do with it." Then he smirks and takes off. Lucy yells about Andrew's father and then looks around at the staring kids as if she's funny or something.
Some boy named Jim with crutches and a cast walks up to Simon's locker to say hi. He invites Simon to TP a cheerleader's house that evening. Simon makes his patented face of moral-dilemma sufferance.
At Eddie's pool hall, Mary asks the bartender if she can leave her post for a few hours to car-shop. She babbles about the good tips she made that morning and how they'll eventually add up to enough to purchase a new car. The bartender is unrealistically patient as he tries to reason with her. Then she asks if she can borrow his car. He says "no," which I guess means, "Get your sorry ass out of here. You're fired" in whatever language he's speaking. He tells her she can have an hour for lunch. She leaves her apron on a chair as she exits with a smile. Man, I'm glad Jessica Biel's leaving the show this season. Now if they could just get the other actors to quit and then replace them with hot guys of my choosing, this would be a quality television program. ["You should write a letter. I mean it." -- Sars]
At the dinner table, to which Matt has invited himself, Ruthie stands and yells that she hates Ms. Riddle. Annie tries to placate her, and then Simon calls her an idiot. "No wonder you don't have any friends," Ruthie snipes at him before running upstairs. RevCam tells Simon that his remark was uncalled for and then starts to yell after Ruthie. Lucy gets up and sulks that she has homework to do. Simon goes upstairs to "make some friends," and maybe after that he'll "make some gold." Simon is so facetious. The camera pans to Matt, who's eating corn on the cob in a ridiculously hoggish way. It actually made me snort a little. But then of course they showed him doing it about six more times and it stopped being amusing. Annie asks Matt, Eric, and the twins, "Who wants pie?" Eric perks up, asking if she had time to bake a pie that day. Annie says she had time to take one out of the box and heat it up in the oven. She tells him to go get the pie, and then gestures so that he'll understand that she wants to have a private talk with Matt. Simon comes down and suspiciously claims that there's no more toilet paper in the bathroom. Annie tells him where to find more and he leaves. StuporMom asks if Matt heard that she has a class with Heather. Matt drops his corn and asks if Heather told Annie about the wedding. Annie asks if Matt still wants to spend the rest of his life with Heather. Matt cuts her off, saying something isn't right. Then he jumps to the conclusion that Annie is breaking up with him on Heather's behalf. Whatever. But Annie doesn't deny it, and Matt storms off without his pie, which Eric is now bringing in. Annie reveals that she broke up with Matt for Heather. She leaves as RevCam makes a face at the pie and scrapes it off his plate. What a jerk. Why couldn't he bake a pie? What does he do all day besides get in people's business and mimeograph old sermons? See if I'd even buy a Dolly Madison pie from the gas station for such an ingrate.
Upstairs, Lucy's trying to convince Simon to call Andrew's house and find out why he's still in Europe. Nosy Eric bursts in to find out what they're discussing. Lucy talks about how she was angry at Andrew for going to Europe over the summer. RevCam tells her that all the "binge-dating" she did probably wasn't a good way to express that anger. Whatever. Simon looks at his watch, and eagle-eyed Eric asks if he has to be somewhere. Simon says no. RevCam suggests that Lucy talk to Mr. Nayloss. He adds a sentence about taking responsibility for something or other. Lucy thanks her dad and leaves. RevCam offers his ear to Simon, who says school was fine that day. Then RevCam starts to leave but steps on Simon's bag, which he immediately opens, like the nosy bastard he is. The bag is full of toilet paper. D'oh! Simon says he's just trying to make some friends, like RevCam wanted.
In the least realistic scene of the hour, Lucy phones Mr. Nayloss, who is sitting on his couch with his bulldog. She tells him she was hoping he'd answer the phone so she could apologize to him. He asks why. She's sorry for whatever she did that was so bad that he felt the need to send Andrew away from her. Mr. Nayloss says snidely that he "heard" Lucy was "out every night this summer with a different guy." What does he do, eat lunch at the school cafeteria so he can keep up with the gossip? Lucy explains that she did it because she was angry about Andrew leaving. She apologizes again and calls Andrew a "classy guy." Mr. Nayloss covers the mouthpiece of his phone, turns to his dog, and says, "This girl's either a she-devil or a saint!" I pause the VCR, turn to my hamster, and say, "'She-devil'? What the hell is this -- a Bob Hope movie?" Mr. Nayloss says he's sorry, too, and that Andrew's flying in that evening and he will have Andrew call Lucy when he gets there. They hang up. Mr. Nayloss tells his dog, "Bite me. I did something really stupid." For real -- he told his dog to bite him.
Time to investigate California's lemon laws
The CamRents follow Mary into her room, arguing with her as Lucy looks on. Mary asks if Lucy wants to see her new car, and they run out the door. RevCam points at Annie, saying it's all her fault. For once, Annie shows a reasonable amount of anger over an appropriate subject. "This is all about my taking one course? One lousy college course? Yeah, it's always the mother's fault. The mother's always the one to be blamed for anything, if anything goes wrong. Well, FINE. I'm going to bed. TSK." She should have kicked him, too, though. She runs away, and Eric makes a goofy face and says goodnight. What a jerkwad. I think Annie should go to Dallas for a week or two and have some fun.
The girls fawn over Mary's new convertible in the garage. Simon joins them with his backpack full of toilet paper and asks for a ride. He informs them that RevCam gave him permission to TP a house. They're surprised. "Just don't tell Mom," Simon says.
At Matt's place, Heather shows up to ask how his dinner at his parents' went. She's consistently happy-looking as she breaks up with Matt. She says he pities her because she's deaf. She loves him, but she's not ready to marry him. She only said yes to his proposal because she was surprised. Matt goes into his usual crack-addict routine, yelling and clenching his fists and teeth in a way that I guess is supposed to be funny. He turns his back on Heather as he yells at her, and she laughs because she can't read his lips anymore. Nice respect for your boyfriend, there, Heather. He mellows out and she tells him that it's too soon to be friends, so she'll just see him around the campus. So she's only getting paid for the one episode this year, apparently. She kisses his cheek and leaves. Nosy John, Matt's roommate, comes out of the other room and remarks that he can't believe it's over. Hi, John. Oh, too late. He's gone. Matt calls StuporMom to apologize for his earlier behavior. I fit in about three hundred Kegels while they have their completely unnecessary rehash phone conversation. RevCam comes in to eavesdrop and Matt finally has to hang up on his mom like the rude dog he is.
Annie and Eric "open a dialogue" about misdirected anger. He admits that he's angry with her, and then that he allowed Simon to TP a house. Simon's not home yet, and RevCam's worried. He only let Simon do it to get back at Annie. "That's nuts! Not to mention childish! Not to mention irresponsible! Not to mention that it's not like you at all!" Stupormom tells him. Yes, it was childish. Annie tells him to face the fact that he's angry at Mary, not her. The doorbell rings.
Here's Sgt. Michaels, the friendly neighborhood police officer who's always on duty and on RevCam's payroll, with Simon and TP enthusiast Jim. The bad news, the sergeant says, is that the boys were caught TPing the yard and that they'll have to clean up the mess. "The good news is I'm the one who got the call, so no one's looking at this as destruction of private property." Nice display of professionalism, there, Sgt. Michaels. Is RevCam really good under the desk? Remember Mary got arrested for TPing the school gym last season? Was Sgt. Michaels on duty that night? Can't these kids come up with any fresh misdemeanors? Annie woodenly tells Eric, "This is your fault, all your fault," and goes back upstairs. "Great! I thought it was my fault," jokes goofy Jim. He explains that he dropped his crutches, and Simon stopped to help him while the other boys ran away from Sgt. Michaels. Simon asks if they can have their lecture over apple pie, and RevCam makes a joke about punishing oneself. The boys walk off the set as the doorbell rings AGAIN. It's Andrew Nayloss, looking sort of like a young Charlie Sexton in his black shirt and off-white jacket. Lucy runs in right on cue. RevCam goes to the kitchen. Andrew has to tell Lucy something. He asks her not to smile at him like she's doing. He tells her, among her myriad interruptions, that he got some girl pregnant in Provence. He had sex with Provence Girl because he was angry because he heard about Lucy dating so many other guys while he was gone. Oh, well. Later, Andrew. He mentions that the mother of his future child is from Ohio, originally. Shout-out to Della Femina!
In the kitchen, Jim beats the moral of the week into our skulls by telling us that he TPed the house out of anger towards his mom. Who freaking cares? Just make the cheese stop, already. Jim leaves the room to call his mother. Simon eats pie and RevCam says he was wrong. Simon was wrong, too. RevCam goes upstairs to apologize to Annie.
First, though, he has to hear Lucy's news. She's near tears as she relates that Andrew has to live in France and work in a boulangerie (I think that's what she said) to support his forthcoming child. "You never know what'll happen when you do something out of spite," Lucy reiterates for us before exiting. Gee, I wonder what they're trying to tell us, here. I'm not sure I understand the message. Is it something about anger, maybe?
Mary shows up to hear that RevCam's angry at her for giving up on college. He tells her that he worked his way through school and then for twenty more years, and a sports car's his dream but he still can't afford one. "Yeah, but, can I help it if I can afford it?" dense Mary mouths off. Eric is so annoyed, he has to count to ten. He tells her she has to pay for the car by herself, whether she goes to college or not. Mary says that if she decides to go to college, she'll sell the car. "Not for what you paid for it," RevCam informs her. "Well...great," she says. "If I can make money off it, I'll put it towards my tuition." RevCam makes a noise of great frustration. It's something like "Hrling-ing-ing, guh!" Mary asks if he'll always stay this mad at her if she never goes to college. He hugs her and says that yes, he will, because she's too smart not to learn all she can for as long as she can. "And what about Mom? Does that go for her, too?" Mary asks. I can't believe she said something that intelligent. "She's in the doorway, isn't she?" says Eric. Yes, she is. The two of them finish their long, tight hug, which sort of grossed me out now that I've seen Jessica Biel in Gear and reclassified her as a sex object in my shallow, shallow mind. Mary leaves Eric to his subplot-winding-up talk with Annie. His anger was festering inside and blah, blah. He says Annie doesn't need any reason to go to school, and that he acted like "a big fat jerk." He adds, "I'll do anything to help you or anyone in this family get an education," and that oh-so-smoothly segues into Ruthie popping up and saying, "Oh, yeah? Then help me get some sleep." She's "gotta get out of that woman's class tomorrow." Annie and Eric go to her and they all sit on the floor. Eric understands how Ruthie feels. Annie's listening to Ruthie, sweetheart -- she hears her. "That's it!" RevCam says. "What's it?" asks Ruthie.
We fade into the classroom with the clarinet by our side. The principal is escorting Ruthie and her parents into Ms. Riddle's classroom. Ms. Riddle announces, "Class, before we begin our work, that we will now probably have to do during recess, our new principal as well as Ruthie Camden's parents insist that she be allowed to express herself." Eric and Annie give Ruthie thumbs-up as she climbs onto Ms. Riddle's chair and then onto her desk. Then, Ruthie totally digs her jeans out of her butt. Seriously. Okay, I know Ms. Riddle should have been fired and wasn't, but can Ruthie at least be suspended for her rudeness? Sheesh. "This isn't just about Ms. Riddle and me," Ruthie starts. The mean teacher looks a little worried. I'm interested in this speech. I'm waiting for Ruthie to lay it out and totally bust Ms. Riddle for her abusive ways. "When I thought about it, I'm not just angry that I'm in her class again," Ruthie continues. "I'm angry about a whole lot of stuff." She breaks out an index card. "Are we tired of being told to be quiet?" she asks her fellow students. "Yes!" they holler. She asks if they're tired of being told they're stupid. They are. Then she goes on to ask about other things that are nowhere near the topic at hand. Can't they have better food in the cafeteria? Can't the teachers give out individualized assignments? Aren't the kids scared they're gonna get shot on the playground? "Yes! Yes! YES!" the students scream. "I don't just need a new teacher. We need a revolution," simpers Ruthie. The other kids jump up and chant her name. She smiles and waves at them. Man, this is stupid. The principal whispers to the CamRents, "I'll do what I can to get her out of here." I hope he's talking about Ms. Riddle and not Ruthie, because if he's talking about Ruthie, it's pretty sad that she gets better treatment than the other children. RevCam says, "That's all we're asking," and fades to black. See, you know this show's unrealistic because in real life, the school district would have been sued the year before. But the show's also over, and at this point, that's enough for me. I'm Audi fricking five thousand, y'all. I've got to go scrub off the smarm with steel wool. I'll be back the episode after .