Seacrest points out that Chicago is windy -- good one -- and he's standing in a convention center with a massive crush of people standing behind him all the way to the horizon and around the curve, who make me nervous, and there's a lot of weather, and they put on a parka and poncho fashion show, and this is exactly the kind of boredom-and-innate-dorkiness-induced bullshit that made me avoid the Austin auditions, and then Seacrest is literally trampled by them running toward the camera. Like that many people wouldn't smell weird anyway -- now you've gotten them wet.
Up first of all in the whole season is a very sweaty man named Derek Dupree (25, Chicago), who gets weird in front of the camera and talks about "I'm so passionate that I just can't stand it, because I often get turned on by myself...oh, look at all this passion running through his veins! It's wonderful!" I already hate him and his very unhelpful antiperspirant. He says he's "confident to the point [that] it hurts," and that this confidence "cuts off the circulation." He strides into the judges' room and acts weird and Paula asks if in fact he really can sing "any pitch" and he puts his no-doubt extensive musical training to work: "Not any pitch, three different pitches. Bass, medium and semi-high." Paula: "Semi-high?" See, this is funny because that's what they both are, rimshot. He then warns them he's going to "break out an original medley," the contents of which he wants to keep under wraps. He starts low and unimpressive, then pulls out some money and wipes his brow with it. I'm so over this tool; let's wrap it up. The following takes place between 8 PM and 8 million PM: He continues singing awfully and acting like a jackass, they finally tell him to get lost, Randy asks him to respect that he is not very good, he asks if he can come back in an hour, for no good reason they say yes, he leaves, Paula points out that he is easily 43 years of age.
The somewhat irritating but very pretty Katrina Yaukey (28, NYC) starts in with "The Humpty Dance," and the tragic thing here, besides the obvious, is that at the end you can hear that she has a good voice, but Simon cuts her off right at this place, throwing her whole strategy off. They ask for another song, and she immediately forgets all the songs in this world. I feel bad for her, but dude. Paula tells her the lesson is that you have to come prepared, and after she leaves they talk about how nice she was. Then comes the very happy, very deluded and rosy-cheeked Justin Whocares, who sings two lines from "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)," the title of which gives me hives of mystery and confusion, and then about three words of "Beyond The Sea," both times stopped by Simon, and they stare at each other for a while, and he leaves. Randy laughs about how Simon is being pretty cool right now, and Paula shakes her head. I like it: why draw this shit out? They know immediately if you suck or not, and if they don't stop you after a single line, you know you're either the best or the worst, like in Project Runway. There's no middle ground.
“ Talking to Ryan, talking to anybody, you keep thinking he's going to cover his face and get it together, but he never does. We learn that he sings to a turkey. A particular one. To be honest, I only understand about 30% of what he says. He's like one of those feral children who had to invent being human from scratch. ”
Heather Cox (21, Jonesville NC) sings "You Raised Me Up" competently. Angela Garcia (25, Hobbs NM, holla!) has the braces happening; her hair is the same color as her face, not to mention icky, sparse, and crispy; and her outfit is...confusing. But I couldn't hate her for any of that, no. Then she starts singing "Rush, Rush." Needless to say it's crappy; how could it not be? She's not terrible, but she's miles from good. Of course Simon says it's "better than the original," and Paula attacks him yet again, this time with a pen. Not many people know this, but it was the chronic pain that got her thrown out of the Central Intelligence Agency. She could kill him twenty ways with that thing.
Erik Mena (23, Monterey Park CA) seems nice. He talks in a charming way, and his body is very huggy, what we called a "sweater guy" in college, and he seems to mean well. Sadly, though, he looks like a toucher. Like a person who will touch you when you're not ready for it, like on the subway or at a grocery store, or like you shouldn't let him babysit. That may or may not be his fault, and I hope it's not true, but them's the breaks. He is also a horrible singer, singing "The Way You Look Tonight" with a weird accent and some strange tea ceremony movements and a general inward-turning lack of presence. He trails off and he and Simon stare at each other for a million years while Western movie face-off music plays, and he refuses to leave or think, and finally asks, "Should I go?" and Simon nods and winks not unkindly.
There are a bunch of weird cowboys that talk strangely, like Idaho Mormons, like a religious sect that only trades and mates in its own small area. They are there in support of Garet Johnson (18, Veteran WY), who is...immensely uncomfortable at all times. Talking to Ryan, talking to anybody, you keep thinking he's going to cover his face and get it together, but he never does. We learn that he sings to a turkey. A particular one. To be honest, I only understand about 30% of what he says. He's like one of those feral children who had to invent being human from scratch. He is adorable, and I like him, but he's got a ton of disadvantages coming in. He's wearing Wranglers and boots and a hat and the whole thing, and he spends like five minutes trying to come up with the name of the song he's going to sing. He knows it's by Elton John, but that's like all he knows. He has a squeaky little voice and is incredibly squirmy and squirrelly. He's painfully nervous and just keeps mentioning that he only sings to a turkey. Finally they're like, "Just sing it." And a freaky different voice comes out of him -- and gets the echo -- a deep, powerful voice that's clearly wonderful, if momentarily fucked by nerves. Simon levels with him that there's "a good voice in there somewhere," and they string him along for a while about how he is too poor for voice lessons, forcing him to admit to his poverty over and over, and Randy brings up a really good idea that would never occur to me, which is: church. Garet admits that this is the first time he's ever tried singing in front of a non-turkey human being. Paula tells him how proud she is of him; they bug him some more about how poor he is, and ask if he's ever been on a plane. He geeks out majorly and admits that he has not. Randy gives him a yes because he's incredibly likeable, and they let him through, causing him to freak out and shriek and act weird and stumble around. I've never seen someone like this before. He's like a clone. He's completely new.
“ Two: America is prejudiced and racist, and that's awful, but neither of those have to do with this situation, except in the most distant way, and frankly, linking them to everyone else's inability to take part in your drama is a little bit insulting to people without options. ”
He's tall enough, and skinny enough, with enough muscle mass -- kid's packing some guns -- that maybe these kind of clothes are his only hope, but still, we're talking about actively choosing the most feminine gear possible, which makes this an identity issue, and you have to fight for those like a motherfucker.
Randy opens with the usual question, "Tell us something interesting about yourself." Simon's like, "Really?" Zachary offers that he is a "very talented person" and that "people" often "confuse [him] for a girl," which makes him "just laugh [his] butt off." He describes various bathroom incidents of confusion, and smiles hugely. Randy: "Wow. So what are you going to sing?" Zachary will be singing a Whitney Houston song called "Queen Of The Night." Randy: "Wow. Okay." Zachary then sings this song, and nobody can really look at the stage, because it's hard to look when somebody showing you all their stuff at once. The singing is terrible, the moves are bizarre. When he's done, Randy notes the "interesting lyrics" of the song, and Simon simply calls the whole thing "atrocious" and "confused." Zachary thinks he did "awesome." Paula loves his self-confidence -- and at this point, so did I -- but explains the "reality," which is that "the voice isn't up to par." When Paula Abdul feels moved to explain reality to you, that's a sign.
The Boy George version of "The Crying Game" starts to play, and it's for nasty reasons, but if you've seen the movie, it's not entirely inappropriate. Mom's white lipstick says, "He's eccentric, very...he puts it out there for anybody to see, and [is] totally fine with anybody's reaction." He comes out crying and is hugged by Mom, Grandma, and his girlfriend or social worker. Walking away, and this is where he loses me, he gives the following camera speech: "American Idol fits America, and America is prejudiced and racist and...I think it's totally prejudiced to not accept someone because someone's a boy, and they're singing girl songs, and they don't fit the song, and the vocal range of the girl...I think that's total prejudice. I'm surprised that Paula said I suck...and Randy was just trying to make it all right...fuck America...I guess they can't handle it. It just shows their own ignorance, and stuff, and...I don't know."
One: Simon Cowell is not American, but he is a capitalist, and you are not on the demand curve at any point right now. Also, you cannot sing. Two: America is prejudiced and racist, and that's awful, but neither of those have to do with this situation, except in the most distant way, and frankly, linking them to everyone else's inability to take part in your drama is a little bit insulting to people without options. Three: Singing a "girl" song was not the problem, and neither was transposing the song for your voice. You cannot sing, no matter in what key the song might be. Four: Even if that were true, that is not "prejudice." It is "music." Five: Paula did not say you suck, she said you rule, but have a bad voice. Which you do, and which you do. Six: Randy was treading a very fine line of being condescending, and was being a good bloke, but he was no more interested in you than Simon was. Seven: Saying "Fuck America" is incredibly stupid, and will get you beat up. Yes, America is not ready for you. But you, my friend, don't seem to be ready for America, so it's a stalemate. Eight: there's institutionalized ignorance, racism and homophobia and non-standard gender issues, and they're related, but you seem to think that this is related to your bad singing. It's not. That's a fight for another day. Today, you lost mostly because you couldn't sing, frankly. And trust me, I want you to be very, very happy, and seeing the path you're on scares the hell out of me, but I also know that being this resistant to the fact of other people is a good way to make yourself crazy and very, very unhappy.