This episode picks up right where last week's left off, with Mary trying to convince the CamRents that it is a good idea for her to move in with Robbie. Hee! I can't blame her for trying, but even Mary can't be so dense as to think her parents actually will go for this plan. She claims she can't afford to pay rent to the CamRents unless she gets a job, and Robbie doesn't think she should take a job she hates just to pay the rent. I chortle heartily for about three or four hours at that particular witticism. RevCam screams at Mary for a while. No one mentions the heart attack he had earlier in the season or tells him to calm down the way they used to. Maybe the writers are reluctant to bring up Eric's cardiovascular woes because they're embarrassed about annoying past plot lines, like when Matt hallucinated that he should move back to the CamPound after his father's heart attack, or when RevCam was so happy about surviving his heart attack that he was singing in the backyard in the middle of the night. I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't have reminded you. For all I know, you've just eaten. Anyway, RevCam yells while SuperMom just stands there looking queasy. She pretends to be supportive, which fools Mary, who exits the scene. We learn that Annie has been employing reverse psychology. Wow, what a fresh approach! RevCam has a little trouble grasping the reverse psychology concept. Apparently he's never seen any of the four thousand bad sitcoms that have been employing this device since the dawn of time.
It looks like the writers are a little winded after that big emotional opening scene, because when we return from commercial, all we see is Lucy sulkily flipping channels on the TV. There's no dialogue, no action, just shots of television programs that appear almost as dull as 7th Heaven. Hey, wait, Lucy, put the alligator show back on -- at least it looks educational. I've always secretly wondered if something like this would happen, where the writers have finally exhausted their supply of crappy dialogue and have to fill up the hour with scenes that don't even pretend to have a point. What's ? Will Lucy leave to grab a snack while the camera stays fixed on the empty couch until she returns? There is such a thing as taking "slice of life" programming too far, you know. Finally SuperMom comes in. She turns off the TV and asks Lucy what's wrong. Lucy says she was upset before, but she's better now. SuperMom badgers her until Lucy admits she's having boy troubles. Weird Andrew Nayloss has been telling her he likes her, though she claims to like Robbie's creepy brother instead. SuperMom employs some of her psychology superpowers again to deduce that, actually, Lucy likes Andrew more and just doesn't realize it yet.
Ew, it all just gets creepier as RevCam and Simon engage in a little freak-to-freak discussion of Deena. Simon can't understand Deena's erratic behaviour. I can't really understand it either, but unlike Simon, I don't even have to pretend to care. In a nutshell, Simon's confusion stems from the fact that Deena wants to break up with him but won't really tell him why. He says he tried to give her a promise ring, though he's not exactly sure what it promises. I humbly suggest that it stand for a promise from the writers to never, ever bring up that hickey plot again. Ever. RevCam says, "I didn't know things had gotten that serious." Simon says, "Well, I thought that after I had bit her on the neck, you guys had kind of gotten the idea that things were serious between us." I don't know about that, but the entire detestable love-bite plot did help to give rise to my new theory that perhaps the writers have made some kind of pact with Beelzebub in which they must make religion look thoroughly unpalatable through shows like this one. In return, they were granted eternal youth sometime in the early 1800s. I figure they're probably drawing on their own childhood experiences for material; hence, we get the plots so tame that they would be better suited to the Regency period. I ponder my theory while RevCam mulls over the Deena situation for a while.
SuperMom continues her Ann Landers shtick by advising Ruthie to find a way to win back that little Burt fellow. She also takes away the glass cat Burt had given Ruthie.
Over at Dopey's swingin' bachelor pad, it looks like John is again down to just one line per show, though at least this time he gets to repeat the line like a mantra. While Dopey manufactures with reasons to stay with Shana, John keeps saying, "Break up with Shana." He pushes Dopey out the door and tells him not to come back until he's given Shana the ol' heave-ho. I wish I could say this scene is funny, but I can't.
At the CamPound, Simon opens the door to Cynthia, who relays the "good" "news" that Deena doesn't really want to break up with him. The bad news is that Deena is moving "back east" at the end of the week. Simon expresses his deep dismay by continuing to hold the completely blank facial expression that's served him so well throughout the rest of this scene.
Damn, it's Chickenhead. I'd hoped she was gone for good. She's walking down the hall to her apartment while Brett stalks her, trying to get her to admit she loves him. The dialogue isn't even worthy of an old romance novel; it would feel perfectly at home, though, in some of the romantic stories I attempted to write when I was a pre-teen drama princess. When Cluckie refuses to admit she loves Brett, he very manfully kisses her into submission. Swoon!
In the CamKitchen, Lucy and SuperMom continue their completely irritating debate over who is Lucy's true love. It's filler, really. Bring back the alligator show, I say. Lucy rudely leaves just before Burt's mom shows up at the kitchen door. Why this woman doesn't just ring the doorbell at the front door, like a normal person, is a mystery to me. Especially since it turns out that she and Annie have never met before. Whatever. SuperMom apologizes for her demon spawn's behaviour toward Burt. Burt's mom doesn't seem to care much about that; she's more interested in telling Annie, "If [Burt] really likes a girl, he gives her presents -- little presents that he steals from home." SuperMom gives back the crystal cat she confiscated from Ruthie earlier and advises Burt's mom to give the kids some space to work out their "relationship." I snicker at the irony of a Camden advising someone else to mind her own business.
Mary's on the phone with the amazingly scuzzy Robbie. She asks him about the phone message she received from someone named Cheryl, who wanted to discuss Robbie with her. The lying dirtball tells her he broke up with Cheryl a year ago and that Cheryl is hoping to win him back by making Mary leave him. Oh, okay, cool -- then Mary just won't call her back, tee hee. Mary, Robbie, whatever you do, please don't reproduce. The gene pool would never recover. Robbie encourages her to tell the CamRents the rest of the big secret, but Mary's afraid her father won't take it very well. Finally she defers to Robbie, as she always does. What's the big secret? Hmm, what could it be? Mary hangs up the phone and puts on an engagement ring. "Mrs. Robbie Palmer," she sighs, then smiles dreamily. I nearly miss the entire commercial break because I'm laughing so hard.
When we return, Mary has dropped her little bomb on the CamRents. Predictably, RevCam goes apeshit. SuperMom's still working the reverse psychology angle. She says some very reasonable stuff about this wedding being Mary's decision. Mary's starting to see through Annie's scam, though, and she goes off on a diatribe about it, but SuperMom just asks her what kind of wedding she wants. RevCam picks this moment to interject, "Again, over my dead body!" I'm so sure that can be arranged, Eric. SuperMom does a good job of keeping her cool, and Mary stalks off. RevCam tells Annie he can't take much more, but she claims he won't have to because Mary is ready to crack. She is convinced that Mary doesn't want to marry Robbie and that this whole reverse psychology thing will eventually cause Mary to tell them why she doesn't want to go to college. If this were real life I'd be a tad skeptical, but after all, it's just 7th Heaven.
Simon pays a visit to Whiney Deena. I'm pleased to note that she's laid off the lavender lip gloss for the moment. I'm also pleased that she's moving so I won't have to look at any more fashion massacres like the pink T-shirt she's sporting in this scene. It has sleeves made of white fabric with some fugly black design on it. And if that's not enough, there's some silver iron-on crap on the chest. I'll feel bad if I find out it was designed by a legally blind person, but I have to say that this shirt has the distinction of being the ugliest piece of clothing I have ever encountered. Kudos, wardrobe people! So Deena says her mom is being transferred back east. Simon passionately declares that he hates Deena's mom's boss, and Deena concurs. I guess it's too much to hope for that we could have a fun plot where Simon and Deena kill her mom's boss or something. Nope -- instead, we get Deena apologizing for lying to Simon and then a big hug. Oh God, now I can see the back of Deena's shirt, and it's got a grey hood that doesn't match anything else on the shirt. Oh, please, make it stop!
Lucy is doing a good job of eroding what respect I still hold for her by asking Ronald what he finds attractive about her. He very sensibly points out that he doesn't know her because they just met. She looks a little crestfallen, so he feeds her the line that he'd like to get to know her better because she seems "cool and stuff." She sarcastically comments, "That's poetry." Jeez, Lucy, what do you expect from a teenage boy? I know that weird Andrew catalogued a bunch of Lucy's attributes for her, but let's not forget, he's also the one who let doors slam in her face and made out with her while his parents were standing two feet away. He's not exactly a prize either. Ronald regales her with all of Mary and Robbie's secrets. This, of course, gets her Camden busybody juices flowing, and she yells at him to get the cheque so she can rush home and meddle in Mary's business. While Ronald's off paying the bill, Lucy sees weird Andrew walk into the pool hall. She waves at him, but he's doing The Rules on her, giving her a halfhearted nod and then trying to make her jealous by putting his arm around some blonde girl. Lucy looks all chagrined, and when Ronald comes back, she says she wants to stick around a while longer. She pushes him to one side because he's blocking her view of weird Andrew. Comic it's not.
Speaking of comedy that falls flat, it's time for Dopey to butcher another scene. He's standing at Chickenhead's door, preparing to knock. He practises a few breakup lines in the hallway. Of course, a neighbour sees him, and Dopey pretends he's in a school play. How madcap and zany of him! The neighbour leaves and Dopey leaves too, since he's not ready to break up with Chickenhead yet. The neighbour has the sweetest-looking beagle. That dog is the only thing that redeems this scene.
Ruthie phones Burt, who tells her, "I don't like you," and then hangs up. I rarely turn down the chance to make a cheap and obvious joke, but I will refrain, just this once. Ruthie comments, "This is gonna be harder than I thought." Happy barks. I'm glad she's looking okay. I heard she was suffering from depression brought on by her role on this horrible show. Here's hoping she's over her substance abuse problem now. Ruthie calls Burt back and he asks her if she's calling to apologize. When she says no, he hangs up on her again. Happy whines in a lacklustre fashion. You can tell she's thinking about her fix. Ruthie calls Burt one more time, and he tells her his mother took back the crystal cat he gave her. She yells that he stole it from his mom in the first place. Then she hangs up on him. Was this scene supposed to make any sense? I hope not, because I didn't understand it at all.
Simon bursts into RevCam's office and demands that RevCam get a job for Deena's mom. Eric is kind enough to agree, but when Simon tells him he has less than a week to accomplish this, he says it's impossible. Simon's brilliant backup plan is that the CamRents adopt Deena. Ick, ick, ick. Fortunately, even Simon realizes this is a creepy idea. RevCam says he will do what he can to help otherwise.
Mary tries again to break through SuperMom's reverse psychology armour. This time Annie unbends enough to say that she feels Mary is not living up to her full potential unless she goes to college, and that marrying Robbie might not be such a hot idea. Ooh, what a perfect time for Cheryl to call! Mary plays the devoted girlfriend by telling Cheryl she won't listen to her. She sticks to her guns for a while, claiming there's nothing Cheryl could say that would make her ditch Robbie. Well, what do you know, Cheryl does come up with something that unnerves Mary: the fact that Cheryl and Robbie broke up just last week. Cheryl drives home her point by saying, "Well, you're a smart girl. Do the math." I wonder if the writers were having a little sly fun with the "smart" line. Mary asks why she should believe Cheryl, and Cheryl replies, "Your problem isn't that you don't believe me; it's that you do." Ha, ha, burn on Robbie.
After a delightful commercial respite, it's time for the "RevCam counsels a tertiary character no one gives a shit about" portion of the show. Today's tertiary character is Deena's father. Big surprise -- Deena's parents are getting divorced. There's a bunch of useless exposition about the family's plans. I guess it would be useful if one cared at all about what happens to Deena. Speak of the devil, in walks Deena. I almost miss the rest of the scene because I'm so distracted by that ugly shirt. It was bad enough when I could only see the top half of it, but now that I see it all, I realize that there is some sort of design of silver clouds or hearts or something right over her breasts. How bizarre is that? Anyway, Deena's dad hasn't told her about the divorce yet, but RevCam's visit has prompted him to do so. Okay, we get it. We're supposed to think that RevCam saved the day, even though he didn't really do anything. Can we move on now?
Lucy tells SuperMom that Ronald dumped her. She starts to complain about how he was chatting up another girl while Lucy was on a date with him. Annie "wisely" asks what she was doing to provoke that, and Lucy, shouts, "I was spying on Andrew Nayloss! Are you satisfied?" She asks if Annie ever gets "tired of being right all the time," and Annie replies in the negative while getting overly cutesy about it all. Uh-oh, cliché alert: Annie says, "Sometimes you don't know how much you like someone until you lose them." Hey, thanks for the platitude, babe! Lucy goes upstairs to plan how she will win Andrew back. She doesn't admit to consulting The Rules, but I'm sure that's what she's doing.
Ruthie says she needs Simon's help to get a certain guy to like her. Simon teases her until she finally admits she likes Burt. Simon's advice is good; he says Ruthie should just tell Burt she likes him. The only other thing worth mentioning about this scene is that we learn that Ruthie is eight years old and Simon is thirteen. Oh, and as usual, Happy looks way dejected.
Ooh, RevCam's on Robbie's doorstep, telling him that they have to talk. I hope against hope that their talk will prove interesting.
Dopey returns to the swingin' bachelor pad to find that John has the security chain on the door. Dopey can't come in until he breaks up with Chickenhead. John complains about Matt's whining, which is genuinely funny, but then they have to ruin it all by having him say that living with Dopey is like living with a girl. Yeah, you know, because whining is such a girl thing to do. Ugh. At John's prodding, Matt admits that it is Heather he loves, so John makes him leave again to break up with Chickenhead for real.
Over at Sleazeball Central, Robbie is trying to convince RevCam of what a catch he is because of his scholarship and his "good job" at the grocery store. RevCam disses him for a while, asking what would happen if Robbie lost his scholarship and had to work full time. Robbie's way dumber than most eighteen-year-olds I've known, because he lets RevCam trip him up at every turn. Pressing his advantage for all it's worth, RevCam insists that it's not just Mary's interests he's promoting; it's Robbie's too. I'm so sure. As he's leaving Eric gets in a final dig -- rather unnecessarily, if you ask me. He says, "Churchgoer that you are, have you prayed about this?" Dumb-ass that he is, Robbie doesn't even try to fake it; he just shakes his head and shrugs insolently. RevCam's all faux pious as he says, "Well, that's what I thought." Loser. Eric leaves and Robbie scrunches up his face so we will know that he is engaged in some very deep thought. See, it's acting like this that makes 7th Heaven the award-winning show it is. Heh.
Lucy phones weird Andrew Nayloss at home but gets his even weirder father instead. When Mr. Nayloss says Andrew isn't home, Lucy says, "I really need to talk to Andrew, and maybe he's there but you're saying he's not because he doesn't want to talk to me." Lucy, come on, that doesn't sound very Rulesy to me. You're supposed to play it light and breezy, and really, your approach is more rude and irritating. Mr. Nayloss obviously thinks so too, because he says, "So you're calling me a liar?" He asks who is calling, and Lucy makes the situation even worse by inventing a name and then hanging up after Mr. Nayloss recognizes her voice and calls her "that nutty minister's daughter." Weird Mr. Nayloss turns to weird Andrew and says, "I'm telling you right now, you end up marrying that crazy girl, I'm not coming to the wedding." Andrew just smiles and says, "Okay, we'll elope."
We see an exterior shot of Chickenhead's coop. It's a pretty swanky-looking building for an impoverished med student to be living in. Inside, Dopey's knocking on the door to Shana's apartment. The same suspicious neighbour from before comes out into the hall and says he doesn't believe Dopey's rehearsing for a play and that he has called the cops. He doesn't have his beagle with him, so who cares what he says or does. Shana takes forever to come to the door, and when she gets there, she's all sweaty and disheveled. Oddly, she looks better in this scene than she has all season, even though her shirt is on backwards and inside-out. Dopey, on the other hand, has something weird going on with his hair, which makes his head look a bit like a butternut squash. He asks to enter her apartment, but she won't let him in. I think it would have been funny if we'd seen her apartment and she had a coffee table with a big-ass crystal pyramid sculpture on it, like the one she used to talk to her alien father when she was Evie on Out of This World. Instead, we just see Chickenhead acting all guilty and Brett opening the door behind her. Dopey picks up on the fact that Brett and Cluckie have been indulging in some horizontal jogging. For once, I'm grateful that this show is rated G and that we never get to see Brett and Chickenhead going at it. I wonder if it would look anything like Mark McKinney's scenes as The Chicken Lady on The Kids in the Hall. Dopey stalks off, Cluckie looks guilty and Brett goes on maintaining the one facial expression that falls within his range.
RevCam commiserates with Simon over Deena's parents' divorce. Simon asks him if he knew about the divorce earlier, and RevCam said he'd only suspected before. Simon says, "I don't like it when you know things you can't tell me. But I'm trying to get used to it." He is polite enough not to mention how irritating RevCam's incessant busybody tendencies are, though. RevCam tries to cheer Simon up by saying that he and Deena will be able to write to each other after she moves. Oh, sure, but they won't be able to schedule make-out sessions as they so creepily did in one episode this season. Simon, at least, is smart enough to realize that he and Deena will find it very difficult to maintain a relationship. RevCam puts his arm around Simon, who leans on RevCam's shoulder and holds onto his hand, making for a genuinely nice, moving moment.
Mary's sitting outside in the yard when Annie walks up to her and asks if she's okay. Mary just wanted "to be alone and think," but she tells SuperMom to stay if she wants. Mary is finally ready to talk about her future. What it amounts to is that she's scared of messing up her life again. Am I watching the right show? This makes two good scenes in a row. SuperMom explains nicely that while life is a challenge, one shouldn't be afraid of it. She talks about how she and RevCam are proud of Mary and have raised her well and that they trust her to make the right decision for herself. Unfortunately, this seems to have all flown past Mary's head, because she asks if SuperMom can tell her what the right decision is. SuperMom can't, but I don't mind suggesting that Mary will be better off if she remembers to stay away from skanky photo shoots for men's magazines. Oops, I guess I'm about six months too late with my advice. Uh, okay, then just go to college already, Mary.
Chickenhead and Brett are leaving her coop when they walk past a giant butternut squash -- er, I mean Dopey. Shana apologizes to him, and Brett says he never wanted Dopey to find out about his affair with Shana this way. Matt responds with, "Is that why you came to the door half-dressed and said, 'Shana, you have to tell him about us'?" Okay, that was pretty clever. Dopey tells Brett to leave. Chickenhead squawks about how she dated Brett in NYC but broke it off and now she's willing to work things out with Dopey. She wonders if it was the geographical distance that wreaked such havoc on their relationship, but Dopey thinks they just grew apart. He says, "Now I guess it's time for us both to stop holding onto the past." He explains that when he saw Brett and Chickenhead together, he acted hurt and upset because he thought that was how he should act, but that he's actually in love with someone else. Chickenhead guesses it's Heather. Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
Ruthie is at the CamPound, thanking Burt for coming over, even though he says his mother forced him to. He adds, "Until I met you I thought I wanted a girlfriend, but now I'm not so sure." Ruthie suggests that they be friends but that he continue to do things for her and give her presents. Honestly, who the hell would think this drivel is cute? See, like when Burt suggests that Ruthie give him presents and do things for him too, and she says, "Maybe, but don't count on it." They discuss kissing, and Ruthie professes to think it's stupid. Uh-oh, I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this, a really bad feeling. Sure enough, Ruthie offers to let Burt kiss her. Inexplicably, he takes her up on her offer. They very carefully, and in a not-at-all choreographed fashion, move in for a kiss in which their heads don't even go anywhere near each other. Hell, they're barely in the same area code! I stop the tape and repair to the washroom, where I find it necessary to vomit copiously. The "missed kiss" image itself is frightening, but not nearly as frightening as contemplating the fact that someone thought this scene would be cute. Okay, sorry, but I think I have to be sick again. Sure, there are ratings for violence and sexual content and strong language, but a scene like this can be foisted upon an unsuspecting viewership with absolutely no warning whatsoever? I think I'll spend my summer vacation starting a lobby group to put a stop to this sort of thing. At first I think Burt is leaning over to vomit too, but he's just reaching into his bag to get the crystal cat that he stole back for Ruthie. SuperMom and RevCam are watching this from the window. Eric comments that of all the boys his daughters have brought home, he likes Burt the best. Okay, 7th Heaven people, just stop it! How many times do I have to tell you? This sort of thing doesn't even come close to being cute!
At the swingin' bachelor pad, Dopey is throwing some clothes into a duffel bag while he regales John with stories of how he and Heather talked all night. He tells John to put on some pants because he needs his help and Heather is waiting. Ooh, the suspense is killing me!
At school, Simon and Whiney Deena discuss continuing their "relationship" after she moves. Simple Simon claims he will never find anyone else like Deena and that he refuses to look. The mean part of me wants to scoff at the everlasting love of thirteen-year-olds. Okay, the mean part of me wins out, especially when Simon says, "We'll always be together." He gives her the ring again, but she gets out of wearing it by saying that she doesn't need any object to remind her of Simon; she'll "always remember him." They hug for a second time and the background music is sad enough to tell us that Deena is indeed leaving for good. Of course, this brings up the possibility of severely distasteful Studly Simon plot lines to come season. Let's just cross that bridge when we come to it, though, okay?
Weird Andrew Nayloss accosts Lucy in the school hallway and says he noticed her staring at him in the pool hall the night before. At first Lucy wants to play it all cool, but eventually she admits that she was "obsessing" about him. She says Ronald is "out of the picture," so Andrew makes it obvious he wants to be in the picture now. Lucy acts coy until Andrew starts walking away. She stops him and says she'd like to get to know him better. They kiss. Lucy says, "The kissing part is not going to be the problem in our relationship." Andrew suggests they kiss more and talk less. Lucy takes him literally, and they start making out in the school hallway. When Andrew suggests they go somewhere else, Lucy says, "I'm in like, and I'm not embarrassed if everyone knows it." That's great, Lucy, but maybe not everyone around you is all that anxious to see you two groping in the middle of the hallway. Did you ever think of that, hmm?
Mary and Robbie meet outside somewhere, and she returns his engagement ring. He keeps blaming everyone else, like Cheryl and the CamRents, but Mary claims she's just not ready to get married. Robbie also spews some bullshit about how it was the old Robbie who was a two-timing snake, and he's changed, blah blah. Mary shows some wisdom for once and says that she needs to concentrate on herself for a while until she can be part of a relationship. Robbie promises to wait for her "forever." I snort derisively. Mary says she'll see Robbie in church; he looks sad that he won't be getting any nookie. Mary gets on her bike while Robbie checks out her ass.
Dopey and Heather are sitting in a car. She says, "Shouldn't we have told our families?" He claims they wouldn't have understood and adds, "We love each other, and this is what you do when you're in love and you know it's forever." They're getting all kissy as John walks over to the car and tells them to hurry up. Dopey says to Heather, "You heard the man." Um, no, Dopey, actually, she didn't. She's hearing impaired, remember? They get out of the car and follow John into something called the Oakwood Chapel, while a few bars of "The Wedding March" play in the background. What do you want to bet they chicken out of it before season starts? And then they'll just tell some quick bogus story of why they chickened out. It's an Aaron Spelling show, after all.