This week's episode starts in the church courtyard. Annie accosts Matt, who is talking to Heather. Heather traipses off. "How's Shana?" asks the Mommy Bird Who Refused to Empty Her Nest. Matt's all like, "Who?" Shana got into town two days before but Matt has yet to see her. Annie teases him about Heather, and he gets a little angrier than necessary before running away. RevCam shows up and gets the scoop from his wife, then kisses the twin she's hauling and leaves. Simon walks up with the other twinlet and moans about Deena's absence from church today.
The four of them go into some hallway or other and see Ruthie with powdered sugar smeared all over her insolent mouth. Annie smiles indulgently as she asks if Ruthie was eating the "after-service" donuts. Rude-y shakes her head and Simon remarks on her lying in church. "The devil made me do it!" says Ruthie. Yeah, and the devil's making me think evil thoughts right now, too. Some little boy says hi to Ruthie. He obviously has a crush on her, but she repays it with outright bitchiness. He says he'll meet her after church so they can work on their school project. "He's cute!" whispers Annie. Hey, Annie, maybe you can buy Ruthie some skin-tight t-shirts and shiny black knee boots. Then she can make out with this boy in public while RevCam watches!
Outside the church, Lucy sways like a nervous stork, craning her neck at something or other. I think she's trying to walk, but her dress is way too tight. Mary comes out in a too-small cardigan and a skirt made from the same bolt of fabric as her sister's dress and asks what Lucy's doing. Lucy says she's hiding from "Andrew Nayloss's creepy parents." Whatever. She says that she and Andrew have chemistry when they kiss, but he drives her crazy at all other times. Mary says, "Blah, blah, blah!" and they go inside.
The Camdens are sitting in their pew with Heather smashed up against Matt. Lucy's telling Mary that Shelby's brother is back from college and maybe Mary would want to hook up with him. Mary replies that she hasn't felt like dating since she broke up with Robbie Horndog on Valentine's Day. Did you get that foreshadowing? Okay. Let's move on. The organ plays and the Camdens smile. Suddenly, though, RevCam looks upset. Annie, Simon, Matt, and Ruthie turn to stare like the rude Nosy Parkers they are. "They're ba-ack!" trills Ruthie. Mary looks and bleats, "It's Raaa-bie!" "And Robbie's very good-looking friend!" drools Lucy, smiling like a porpoise. Lusty Christian lasses. Gotta love this show. The boys wave. I can't see the good-looking one. Where is he? All I see is Eddie Munster's cousin. RevCam and Annie trades expressions of desolation.
After the service, StuporMom helps RevCam out of his robe and then paces his office. They fret about Robbie's reappearance. Annie suggests they prepare for the possibility that Mary takes him back. Eric sticks his head in the sand.
In the courtyard, Robbie wears too much hair gel and apologizes for his shmucky behavior. He claims he's spent the last three months "turning his life around." He goes to church every Sunday -- not just for God, but for Mary, too. She appears to get off on this, but she still scolds him some more. He leaves as the clarinet plays morosely.
Heather and Matt pick up the hymnals that the slobby parishioners left all over the pews. Matt says he's supposed to meet Shana at her apartment. Heather smilingly wonders what he's hanging around for, then. He leaves. We're to understand, if we didn't before, that he suddenly loves Heather and not Shana.
Robbie's "friend" is ogling Lucy from across the crowded church lobby or whatever. Lucy's lapping it up. In busts Andrew. "Not now, Andrew," she tells him. Robbie's friend strolls over and says, "You're Lucy, right?" Now that's a fresh pick-up line. "Lucy!" repeats Andrew. "Not now, Andrew!" she snipes. The other guy totally ignores Andrew and introduces himself as Ronald, Rick and Robbie's stepbrother. Rick said to say hello. Oh, man. Stay away from related boys whose names begin with R. Trust me. I know. I'm sure Rick told Ronald that Lucy and Mary were total easy sluts, and Ronald's just standing in line for the sloppy seconds here. Andrew introduces himself as Lucy's boyfriend. Lucy coolly denies it. Ronald suggests he take her to the movies some time. "What exactly did Rick tell you about me?" Lucy asks coyly. "He said you dress like a ten-dollar hooker and you'd do me outside Flicks while your sister does my brother in front of the silver screen," answers Ronald. Psych! He said, "He told me you love the movies." That's almost as bad as my version, though, right? Lucy simpers as Ronald suavely exits, then not-nows Andrew once more. She leaves him down but not out. Come over to my house, Andrew. I'll make you tamales.
Simon's watching the twins on the altar. Some little boy comes up to tell him that Deena was hugging an older guy at the mall. It didn't look like her brother. "D'oh" for Simon.
Annie lets Ruthie's new friend Bert into the kitchen. She offers him cookies, but he and his parents are vegans. They "don't eat anything with a face," so cookies are out because they have eggs, he says. People! If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: the eggs you buy at the grocery store are not baby chicks. They're merely chicken menstruation. Sheesh! Quit being so squeamish! Then Annie offers Bert juice, but he's juice-intolerant. Then she offers him water, but blah blah blah -- man. They make fun of kids who eat meat on this show, and then they make fun of kids who don't. You just can't win with these people. Ruthie comes downstairs, rolls her eyes, and leads Bert to her room.
Simon calls Deena's house and her dad answers. He's all like, "Simon, you've already called four times and no, Deena's not home, and no, I don't know why she didn't meet you at church . . ." and is it just me, or is Deena's dad played by a completely different, much younger actor this week? So he hangs up and we pan to Deena, who has a busted lip or the mumps or something. Her mouth's all swollen and coated with lilac lip gloss. Her dad says she really should talk to Simon and tell him the truth, but she "just can't." Hmm. I wonder what the truth could be. I'm so, so curious. What in the world could possibly be going on with my favorite 7th Heaven hickey-traders?
Matt and Shana are at some eatery, and she's dumping vinegar on her fries like there's no tomorrow. It turns out that Brett, her roommate, spent a semester in England and "this is how everyone eats French fries across the pond." Oh, shut up, Shana. Matt's not impressed, either. "Did I hear my name?" says some guy with frosted hair and tons of eye makeup. "Brett! What are you doing?" yelps Shana, the Most-Stalked Woman in Glenoak. Shana informs him that he was supposed to be working in Brooklyn. Brett comes out with some excuse for why he just happens to be in Glenoak for the summer, instead. The boys introduce themselves macho-ly. Brett starts shaking vinegar onto Shana's fries. Are those antlers we hear crashing together?
Mary's parked across from Robbie's little stucco house. She does the tough-girl act as she takes him back and tells him not to break her heart. Damn, now I have that Captain and Tennille song in my head again! Robbie tells her not to punch him again and they kiss all dysfunctionally.
Mary's guidance counselor calls RevCam on a Sunday to tell him that Mary never turned in her acceptance forms for Crawford University. "Are you trying to tell me that Mary doesn't have a college to go to?" freaks RevCam. The guidance counselor is afraid so. Don't worry, Eric. There's always cosmetology school. Or, hey, she could make a living as cheesecake!
Mary walks through the CamPound front door and her parents descend like vultures. Did I mention that StuporMom's wearing her sailor top again? I'm gonna interpret that as a shout-out to me, since she obviously reads our recaps and knows that one always catches my eye. ["I thought the same thing." -- Sars] RevCam's all set to bitch out Mary over the college thing when she drops the Robbie bomb on him. She says they're back together and that he's really changed since Valentine's Day. Annie looks like she has really bad gas pains. RevCam says nothing. Mary asks if something's wrong. Eric tells what he heard from the guidance counselor. "Please tell us this is a mistake -- a terrible mistake," pleads Annie. Mary says she's not going to college. She's sorry they had to find out like this, but she's glad they know now. She runs upstairs.
Bert and Ruthie color and cut paper in her room. Ruthie asks if he's just going to stare at her all day. He can't help staring because she looks like a Powerpuff Girl. "Really? Which one?" she perks. "The pretty one," he says. Shout-out to me! Everyone knows I was the inspiration for Buttercup. Bert gives Ruthie a glass cat as a gift and asks her to be his girlfriend. "Why would I do that?" she asks. "I gave you the cat," he says, like "duh!" Yeah, Ruthie. Get with the program, here. He's following The Rules! Don't you pay attention to Lucy's behavior?
Brett's waiting for Shana outside her apartment door. He ranks on Matt's hair, asking if she bought him barrettes for Christmas. Shana starts babbling about how she only hooked up with Brett on the rebound from Matt. Brett loves Shana and he's not as stupid as Matt was, he says. He's not just going to "throw [her] out there and see what happens." He's here to stay. Oh, man. Brett, please take her and leave instead. Please?
Andrew's waiting for Lucy in her back yard. She tells him he's trespassing. He tells her to call a lawyer. "Don't tempt me," she says. What's with the constant stalking motif on this show? Family values, much? Gawd! Andrew wants another chance at a relationship with Lucy. She blows him off. Happy barks at him angrily. Oh, be quiet, Happy. Like you know from quality human beings.
Deena shows up at the CamPound. Simon answers the door and tries to give her the hello kiss but she turns away. Her mouth looks even more swollen now. Maybe it was something she ate. Oh, no . . . maybe she's allergic to that lip gloss. She's wearing enough of it to lube a large . . . um . . . well, let's just leave that thought unfinished. Okay, so she's there to tell Simon something that she couldn't say over the phone. He asks if it's about the guy she was hugging at the mall. She says that was her cousin Robert. Hmm. I wonder if her cousin is actually Robbie. Maybe Robbie's real name is Roberto, though. Or Robert, but pronounced the French way. Or he could be named after Robinson Crusoe, too. Deena thinks she and Simon should see other people. "Are you serious?" he asks. That's how they end that scene.
Matt gets home to the Bachelor Pad and John asks how Shana is. "Fine," says Matt, like he's talking about a recently-cured foot fungus. John presses for details, and Dopey tells about the enormous influence Brett's had on Shana's ways. John asks if Matt's jealous. Matt's not and he wonders why. John tells him it's because he loves Heather. Matt protests that they're only friends. John says they're friends like "Cleopatra and Caesar" were friends, and he'd hate to see Matt "lose the Roman Empire." Um, whatever. Yeah, that's a logical analogy. My grandmother used to tell me that if I couldn't say something nice, I shouldn't say anything at all. Well, I can say two nice things. John is an attractive young man, and Matt's hair is actually looking clean in this shot. There. I said something nice. Now I can go ahead and repeat that Matt still needs a haircut because he looks utterly ridiculous with that 'do. Hey, I notice Barry Watson hasn't been in any teenie-bopper mags lately. CUT HIS HAIR!
Ruthie tells Andrew that she'll be his girlfriend if he does everything she tells him. He asks if it'll be like Simon Says. "Simon Says with presents. I like the presents," Ruthie replies, nodding and grinning like a pimp. "Deal!" says Bert, and they shake on it. Where the hell was Ruthie when I was composing my wedding vows?
The CamRents discuss Mary in the kitchen until Annie gets pissed and decides they're going up to her room to make her explain herself.
In the back yard, Deena tells Simon they're over and that she has to leave. She hopes they can still be friends. Simon doesn't want to be her friend. He wants to be her boyfriend. "Not everything is about what you want," sage Deena replies. She runs away. Wait, Deena! Come back and say that same thing to all the other Camdens! She pauses outside the fence and we see that someone has dribbled glycerin drops on her face.
In her room, Mary tells her parents again that she isn't going to college. She doesn't know what she wants to do with her life and she doesn't want to waste money on tuition while she figures it out. I think she should get a job at Dairy Queen and date a well-to-do drug dealer. That was my back-up plan when I was Mary's age. Luckily, I wasn't stupid enough to go to jail for TPing a gym, so I didn't lose my scholarship, and now I can pass my bright idea on to her!
Matt and John are kicking back at their apartment when Heather shows up at the door. Greetings and pleasantries all around, and then she says that she forgot to tell Matt something at church that morning. "What's that?" asks Dopey. "I'm in love with you," says Heather, all cool as hell. John jumps up and beats a hasty retreat. Matt's dumbfounded (so what's new?) as Heather expounds on her tender feelings. She ends by telling him to have fun at the movies with Shana. He's like, "Okay," and she leaves as casually as she came in.
Simon's turning to the grapevine for help. He calls some little chick named Cynthia and asks for any gossip she has about Deena and another guy.
RevCam's hauling trash bags to the curb in his arms as Robbie comes through the gate. "Kind of ironic that I'm taking out the trash," says the Minister of Pith. Yes, it is ironic, but only in the Alanis Morissette way. RevCam makes a bunch of snarky comments. Robbie plays innocent but Eric isn't having it. He's watching Robbie, and so is "He." Come on, now, Eric. Don't bring God into it. Mary comes out and informs her dad that Annie said it was okay for her to "get ice cream" with Robbie. Say it with me, y'all: "Is that what the kids are calling it these days?" Eric can't speak for being pissed off, so he just stomps away. Robbie says that if there's anything beyond hate, that's what Mary's dad is feeling for him. Mary explains that her parents are mad about her ditching college. She tells Robbie she wants to spend as much time with him as possible. This makes him happy and they kiss. The patchwork on the back of Mary's denim jacket is really ugly.
In Ruthie's room, StuporMom congratulates her brat on her new relationship with Bert. "Bert has to do whatever I tell him to do. Isn't that cool? It's like having my own dog," brags Ruthie, who stopped being cute before the pilot episode of this series. Annie puts on the Mean Face and says that Bert's not a dog, he's a little boy with feelings. She asks what Bert's getting out of the relationship. Ruthie says he only wants to hang out with her and give her gifts, and she's okay with that. Annie huffs away, realizing it's too late to change the monster she's created, I guess.
In the living room, Ronald is sitting to Lucy on the couch, telling her he's surprised he was allowed to come over since the CamRents hate Robbie so much. Lucy smirks and says they didn't like Rick, either. Then she asks if Ronald has a girlfriend. He says no, and ascertains that she has no boyfriend. He asks about "that little weird guy in church," and Lucy explains that she dated him a few times, but Andrew's having a hard time getting over her. Then she and Ronald just start sucking face. The hell? I know we often make fun of the goody-two-shoe morality of this program, but now they've taken it to the other extreme. Didn't Lucy just meet this guy the morning of this same day? RevCam walks in and clears his throat until they break for air. Lucy shamelessly introduces Ronald as "Rick and Robbie's brother." Ronald shakes hands and RevCam tells him, "I don't like your family," in his best Eastwood voice. Ronald sincerely informs Eric that he'd never take Lucy to a motel. Ha. RevCam excuses himself to "go put [his] head through a wall." Ronald and Lucy sit back down and start making out again. Dang.
Eric goes into the kitchen and asks his wife why she let Mary go out with Robbie. Annie's resigned to Mary's willfulness. RevCam vows that Mary's going to college, "even if it's only to get her away from Robbie Pah-mer." Okay, RevCam. Oh, hey, maybe you should pick up some prophylactics for your daughters on the way home from work tomorrow. I'm just sayin'.
In the movie theater, Matt and Shana both start to say, "I have something to tell you . . ." Matt was going to tell her about Heather, but she tells him all this crap about how she moved back to Glenoak to work on her relationship with him. Dopey says he can't remember what he was going to say. He puts his arm around her as a hokey western soundtrack starts. I guess he doesn't love Heather after all.
Simon calls Cynthia, who tells him that Deena is dating a boy from another school. She advises Simon to move on and find someone else. Simon doesn't want anyone but Deena. Cynthia gives her condolences and hangs up. We see that Deena's been sitting to her the whole time. Shocking! Cynthia thinks Deena should tell Simon the truth. Deena says it's better this way. "This way he'll hate [her] and it won't be so hard for him to let go." Gosh. What in the world could be going on? I'll just have to be contented with my certainty that it's something stupid.
On the Promenade, Robbie tells Mary that he got accepted to Crawford. He figures that he'll "go to school there while [they] work on [their] relationship and [she figures] out what [she's] gonna do with [her] life." Sounds like a plan to me. Again he promises that he's changed and he's not gonna lie to her again. They kiss and seat themselves at a little table. Two chicks emerge from a shop and see them. "Isn't that your ex-boyfriend Robbie?" one of the chicks asks. She's holding a leopard-print bag. She must be a bad girl. "That's him," says the other chick. She's wearing leopard-print pants and a black pleather vest. She must be a bad bad girl. This chick lets us all know that she'd been going steady with Robbie for three years, up until last week, when he dumped her. Her friend suggests that she "march over there and tell Robbie off." Oh, but you just know that the bad, bad girl has "a better idea," don't you? Of course you do. Can we get a catfight here? I'm seeing Eric Stanton as the consultant.
Oh, my aching back! Will tonight's all-new 7th Heaven never end on the WB?
It's morning, and RevCam asks the other kids to clear out of the kitchen so he and Annie can talk to Mary some more. Here's their big scheme scene. They give Mary a sample bill for the room and board she'll have to pay starting in September. Go, CamRents! RevCam busts out the want-ads with some menial jobs already highlighted. He tells Mary that in the fall she'll either be in school or working -- those are the rules of the house. Mary clenches her jaw. "Maybe I'll just move out," she says. Uh oh. You just know RevCam's a lousy poker player, because his face immediately falls. Annie manages to play it off, though. She's all like, "Maybe you will." Mary storms out of the room. "What if she does move out?" StuporMom whispers. Eric points out that she doesn't have the money or the will to earn it.
Shana -- oh, wait, that's Matt! From behind they look alike. Matt goes to Heather's house and talks to her mom. The mom is all like, "Haven't seen you since you broke up Heather's wedding! Matt -- don't hurt her!" Matt says he'd never hurt her because he loves her. "Sometimes that's no guarantee," says Heather's mom. Yeah, lady. You're wise in the ways of the world. Now get out of the doorway. Heather and Matt stroll into the yard. Matt tells her that he loves her and he plans to break up with Shana. Heather's all like, "Good." This scene goes on way too long as the few points are iterated and reiterated by both characters with their sporadic American Sign Language gesturing. I don't pretend to know ASL, but it seems to me that if you're gonna do it, you should do it with each sentence and not only during key phrases like "I love you" and "break up with Shana."
In Ruthie's classroom, some little boy is all up in her face singing the K-I-S-S-I-N-G song. "You're in love with Ber-ert!" he sings. Then another boy joins in with kissing faces. In walks Bert. Ruthie asks what kind of smack he's been talking. He goes, "That you love me," all mellow. "I never said that," goes Ruthie. But Ruthie said she wanted to be Bert's girlfriend! Yes, but that was only so Bert would do what Ruthie said! Was that the only reason, Bert wants to know. Ruthie indicates that it was. "Now tell everyone the truth," she demands. Instead, Bert turns away and gasps. "What's wrong?" Ruthie asks. He flings his books down and runs off. "You made him cry!" say the kissing boys. "You're in trouble!" I didn't see Bert actually crying, but whatever. If these kids want to believe that Ruthie's worth crying over, then today's youth has gone to hell in a handbasket and I can't do anything more for them.
Simon goes up to Deena at her locker and gives her "an early birthday present." It's a junky little ring. Check out what Deena says: "In light of what's happened between us, I can't accept it." HA! I'm so sure! Simon says it's a promise ring, but he only wants her to have it for remembrance purposes. "I can't take the ring, and I don't want to see other people!" Deena cries. Simon doesn't understand. Deena hands him the ring and runs away. Good thing, too, because it looks like she went to the Montgomery Ward furniture department, took all the bedspreads out of the little girls' bedroom showcases, cut them into big squares, and used those squares to make her outfit. Simon's better off without her, I say.
In the final locker-stalking scene of the hour, Andrew tells Lucy that Ronald doesn't know her like he does. He lists a bunch of ridiculous personal qualities about Lucy that he knows from their three dates. He says they're perfect for each other but Lucy's afraid to admit it. He says that he's going to walk away from her now, and if she doesn't stop him, he'll never bother her again. He starts walking. "Andrew!" Lucy yells. He goes, "Yes!" and turns to her, but she doesn't say jack. "Man, you were this close." He holds up his fingers, indicating how close she was. Then he goes away and Lucy sighs. Oh, well. Andrew's on his way to my house. I'm making migas and picadillo.
The bad, bad girl drives up to the House of Robbie in her black pants and sinful red blouse. Ooh, she's bad! She saw Robbie and Mary last night on the Promenade. She made some phone calls and apparently, she's the last to know Robbie was "two-timing" her. (I guess she called Simon's friend Cynthia?) Oops -- correction: the actual last person to know is Mary. Bad Girl's going to tell Mary everything. Robbie begs her not to because he loves her. "Too bad, because after I talk to her, she's gonna HATE YOU," says the Bad Girl Without A Name. Hey, now, young lady! That's no way to behave. Switch those flashy colors for some florals and kiss a boy on your parents' couch. It's the right thing to do.
Ick Alert! Annie and Eric meet at the bottom of the stairs. "Did you finish your work? The twins are napping!" Annie gleefully states. "So, this is like a, free period?" asks Eric. They start sucking face. Then all the kids bust in from school. "I don't want to talk about it!" sulks Simon. "I don't want to talk about it!" whines Ruthie. "I DON'T want to talk about it!" carps Lucy. Shut up, brats. Who asked you? Then Mary's all glowing and floating as she tells her good news. Robbie's going to get his own apartment in the fall. He's going to need a roommate. Mary's going to move in with him and that way she won't have to worry about paying her parents rent! Woo! "D'OH!" for the CamRents! Mary manages to convey her assurance that this will be a non-sexual roommateship. At first I was skeptical, but then the Lighthearted Acoustic Guitar confirmed it. Eric and Annie looked shocked and then the screen went black and said "to be continued." Fabulous.