RevCam's scribbling away at something in his church office when a teenage girl enters. He jumps up and introduces himself and then fires friendly questions at this girl, to which she answers "I'm not sure" over and over again. She's wearing two coats and has makeup smeared under her eyes. This lets us know that she's a Troubled Youth. She tells Eric that she might come back to talk with him the day. He drops his pencil on the floor and poof! she's gone.
Annie's playing with the twins in the nursery and they're looking at her like, "Why are you paying attention to us all of a sudden?" RevCam strolls in and starts his weekly inter-spousal homily. He thinks the Troubled Youth looked familiar. Annie suggests he scan Mary's yearbook, but he already did. Boy, they don't miss a trick at that Seminary for Stalkers, do they?
Mary, Simon, Lucy, and Ruthie come through the front door. Mary's saying she's looking forward to "doing nothing" this weekend. Ruthie is wearing a Paddington-Bear-ish hat as she asks why Mary's looking forward to that. Mary explains that she wants to stay out of trouble. Lucy says something about going to a baseball game because there'll be "lots of guys there." Still reading The Rules I see, Lucy. She has a bit of fringe razor-cut into her hair. It doesn't look good or anything, though. "Boys are trouble," says Mary. The CamRents haul the twins into the room. RevCam asks how their school day was. Ruthie says hers was "BOR-RING!" Eric remarks that he doesn't remember school being completely boring in his day. Ruthie tells him that's because he's too old to remember it at all. Baby, CRUNCH! Eric was so busted. He should put Ruthie up for adoption with that mess. Annie turns her cult smile onto Simon and asks how his day was. He's suspicious of her concern. Mary excuses herself to do homework and her siblings follow suit. They back out slowly. It's supposed to be funny but of course it's not. RevCam suspects something's going on. "When somebody doesn't want to talk, there's always a reason," says he. (Nosy Parkitus, 10:17.)
Upstairs, Lucy admonishes the other three. She knows that one of them must have misbehaved and that the CamRents know about it. She tells them to 'fess up. They each deny that they did anything. Mary's all defensive and loud. The Jazzy Piano of Comedy plays while Lucy says that everyone knows parents only ask about your day when they're setting you up to confess your misdeed.
Over at Glenoak Hospital, Dr. Hank meets Matt at a cafeteria table. You'll remember that Hank is the husband of Matt's Aunt Julie. Uncle Hank reveals that word has gotten around the hospital about Matt's plans to stalk Shana in New York. Matt does his coke-addict bulging-eye face to indicate his chagrin. The script is contrived in such a way that Matt ends up saying, "It's not easy losing the women you love." He quickly corrects himself, changing it to "woman." Dr. Hank immediately asks where Heather is these days. Matt doesn't know. Hank suggests he find out. Then Hank's beeper goes off. Before leaving, he tells Matt that he needs to talk to him later. John walks in and Matt confronts him about his gossiping ways. John brushes off his roommate's flakiness. Matt stomps away.
we see Matt bursting into some office, telling some woman that he needs to see Hank. She says Hank's in the delivery room. Matt says it's important that he talk to his uncle. "More important than the miracle of birth?" asks the nurse or whoever she is. "Maybe," says Matt. This part is supposed to be funny, too, I think. The woman rolls her eyes hardcore. Then she asks Matt about his New York plans. He says he's not going, and she says she'll "inform the people in the office pool." Wow, this must be a really small town. They should get a Blockbuster or something. Aunt Julie comes in and is surprised to see Matt. She says Hank's been acting funny, as if he's keeping something from her. She asks if Matt knows what it is, because it's driving her "insane." Matt just nods and says, "Hank did say he wanted to talk to me." That's enough for Aunt Julie to freak over. She gets all sarcastic, saying Hank should have married Matt before she stomps out of the office. I think Matt and Julie must have the same chromosomal deficiency.
Poor Sgt. Michaels is parked outside the CamPound getting his weekly orders from Eric. He is to keep an eye out for Troubled Girl. Ruthie gawks at them through the window and then runs to get Simon. Then the two of them run to get Lucy and Mary. Annie emerges from her room and asks why they're in such a hurry. They're cagey. They peel out upstairs as RevCam enters the hall. Annie recites lines about believing the kids are up to something. RevCam surmises that if it involves all four of them, it must involve the new car. They start to run outside, but a twin cries. They run into the nursery, grab both twins, and run out the front door.
In her room, Mary is telling the other kids that RevCam talks to Sgt. Michaels "practically every day" (Yeah, really.) so it's probably nothing to worry about. Eventually, though, she flies off the handle and tells her siblings to confront the CamRents if they're so concerned. She rants about the uneventful weekend she'd hoped for, then says she's staying out of this because she's neutral. "I'm Switzerland!" Lucy tells her she should brush up on current events. Simon nags her some more, so Mary agrees to ask their parents what the deal is. The others run after her, Lucy in her shiny hooker boots.
Annie and Eric are minutely inspecting the mini-van. Mary's breasts and then Mary and the other kids come out into the yard. They ask if anything's wrong with the "car." RevCam doesn't know -- is there? The kids don't know. You tell them. Suddenly Ruthie smirks and shoves Mary on the ass. "Take her! She's already BEEN to jail!" she says unfunnily. After five years of repetition and poor acting, it's ascertained that no one's in trouble. RevCam explains about the Troubled Youth who visited his office. Mary makes a constipated face to let us know that she psychically figured out exactly who the Troubled Youth was. Everyone else uses their own ESP to interpret her expression and send her telepathic looks. "WHAT?" says Mary. She says that the CamRents have been talking to her all year long. She looks like she's lost some weight. The bones are visible in her neck and she's wearing a tighter t-shirt than ever before. I hope this propels her into the skanky movie roles she's hoping for. Mary asks that the CamRents save their catch-up conversations with the others until after dinner. The Lighthearted Acoustic Guitar plays. I'm glad it does, because it's the only thing that keeps me from crying.
Ruthie sits in the living room telling her dad about a smelly classmate named Maryanne. Annie, meanwhile, sits in Simon's room and listens to him brag about pranks played on a substitute teacher and led by his funny friend Luke. The CamRents don't seem to be enjoying the conversations very much.
In their room, Lucy tells Mary that she's made a list of things to discuss with their parents. Mary states with relief that the CamRents already know everything about her. Somehow, Lucy guesses that Mary's hiding something about someone else. Mary refuses further comment. Lucy looks sad. Poor little Nosy Parker. ["Shouldn't that be 'Nosy Parker Junior'?" -- Sars]
Hanks shows up at the Bachelor Pad with luggage. When Matt answers the door, I can see nipplage through his t-shirt and I feel queasy. Apparently, Julie kicked Hank out of the house because of what Matt said. Oh, those wacky female histrionics! John and Matt protest Hank's inviting himself to move in. Matt says they don't have anything but Spam and a bag of chips. Hank soberly declares, "I can make a lovely casserole out of that." That was kind of funny. Then Hank whips out an American Express card and says, "The delivery menus, please." The boys are suddenly enthused by his visit.
Annie walks into the kitchen and asks Lucy if she knows Simon's friend Luke. Lucy shares her theory that there is no Luke and Simon's Luke stories are actually about himself. See, that's why I let my kids play video games: to discourage the creepy sort of psychic bonding that goes on when families are too moral and close-knit. Lucy suggests that Annie have Simon invite Luke over for dinner. Annie puts on a kettle for tea and asks about Lucy's work at Habitat for Humanity. The subject of a Loner Named Lisa Lunby comes up. Lisa used to be outgoing, but then she started acting strange, and blah, blah, blah. Although the scripting is incredibly subtle, I'm able to guess that Lisa is the Troubled Youth of RevCam's nosy desires. I also figure out that her trauma is sexual in nature. I know this because of the announcer's disclaimer at the beginning of the hour. This is a very special all-new 7th Heaven. Parents were asked to watch with their kids. So I know. It's about sex. Lucy's saying that Lisa Lunby gets weirder and weirder. Mary walks in and asks if they're talking about her. Lucy says, "No, Mary, I said 'weirder,' not 'more desperate for publicity.'" Just kidding, she didn't say that. Mary starts to defend Lisa L. Lucy jumps down her throat because Mary didn't work with her at Habitat like Lucy did. Mary passive-aggressifies and leaves the room. Annie does her frightening steely smile and remarks that Mary's more sensitive since she was arrested and all. Then Annie apologizes for not spending enough time with Lucy since Mary got busted. Lucy gets up and makes a little speech about what fabulous parents the Camdens are. She leaves. Her mom yells, "I thought we were going to talk!" in a way that fails to be funny. The unfunny tea kettle whistles, echoing Annie's shrill cry.
Lucy runs upstairs to dig in Lisa Lunby's business via Nosy Mary Parker. Mary pretends to be angry and yells, "End of conversation!" twice.
The sad clarinet takes us into a night scene of Lisa on a sidewalk bench. Uh, oh . . . she's wearing a knit cap now. She must really be in a bad way. Some teen guy walks up and gawks at Lisa. "Hey, I . . ." he says, smiling and gesturing towards her. "Get away!" she yells. "Get away from me now!" Yeah, really, buddy. Why don't you go stalk the girls at Flicks? Guess who's witnessing this scene from a nearby bookstore? It's Sgt. Michaels. "HEY!" he barks, running out to the bench. "I wasn't doing anything!" says the non-traumatized teen guy. Lisa tells the sergeant that everything's okay, that she just doesn't feel like being spoken to. Sgt. Michaels glares at her narrowly. She doesn't feel like talking? Call for back-up! He invites her to talk about what's troubling her. She angrily tells him that she's not homeless and she has ID and blah, blah. "The address is right on it," she says. Of course Sgt. Michaels memorizes said address so he can later snitch to RevCam, who is the secret Chief of Police in Glenoak, I think.
Ruthie's still yakking about stinky Maryanne when Sgt. Michaels calls. RevCam, glad for the interruption, gets from him the name Lisa Lunby. (Illegal much?) He hears a sigh. It's Mary on the other extension. He tells her to hang up. She does, and then goes and meets her dad in the hall. She tells him that Lucy doesn't know anything about this. Annie comes out and immediately says, "What's going on? Does this have anything to do with Lisa Lunby?" The hell? How is it that every other week, these people have to beat a plot point into the ground, but today no one needs to explain anything? It's not even like the plot has so many action-packed twists and turns that we wouldn't notice, either. Mary explains her promise of confidentiality and RevCam is understanding. She leaves and Eric tells Annie, "It was my first guess." I can't remember what his first guess was, but it's okay because I don't care.
There are Chinese food take-out boxes all over the Bachelor Pad and the Bluesy Lighthearted Guitar is playing. Matt and John wake up and wonder where Hank is. He emerges from the bathroom in his suit and asks if they have any mousse. Matt claims they don't. I bet Matt doesn't have shampoo, either. Hank fumes that he's "having a bad hair day." He leaves for work and Matt wonders aloud what he's keeping from Julie. John just wants Matt to tell Hank to move out. Nice show of hospitality, John. I would definitely let my friend's uncle stay over for a few nights if he bought me lots of Chinese food. Shoot, I'd even spring for a can of mousse.
At the breakfast table, Simon tells Annie that Luke might not be free to dine with them, since he's so popular and all. Annie gives him the mean stare that she uses whenever she's not grinning like a coyote. Then Ruthie announces that she's inviting Maryanne over so that she can tell her she stinks. Annie gets mad for real, saying that Ruthie's not going to tell Maryanne anything. Ruthie asks if Maryanne can just come over anyway. She says maybe the smell will come up in conversation. Ruthie and Simon crack up. Annie doesn't think it's funny, and neither do I. It's just lame. RevCam passes through the kitchen, making veiled comments about his hoped-for meeting with Lisa. Annie follows him out to quench her nosiness. Simon and Ruthie make un-cute observations about the obviousness of their parents.
Matt answers his phone. It's Julie. "Can I please speak to my husband and the father of my child?" she asks, as if Matt's a stranger. He tells her, "They aren't here. May I take a message?" Okay, well, he didn't, but it would've been cool if he had. Aunt Julie acts passive-aggressive some more. Then she yells. Then she whimpers. Then she harps some more, begs more, and then thanks Matt happily. What a psycho. Matt tells John he's going to the hospital to talk to Hank on Julie's behalf. He leaves. The phone rings again. John answers and tells Julie that Matt just left. Then he says, "All right, now let's talk about this problem with yo' husband." Julie is surprised. I almost smiled at John's in-your-face approach to the Camden Tradition of Excellency in Nosiness.
Annie, in her funky sailor suit again, bellows Simon's name from the kitchen. She asks him if someone called, because the phone was off the hook. Simon says Luke called. "Is there a Luke?" demands StuporMom, looking like the Crypt Keeper. Simon misunderstands. She explains the girls' theory, then goes to answer the door, the bell of which has just rung. Simon looks pretty p.o.'ed.
Maryanne's at the door with a big bag of meat for Annie. (Man, that sounded sort of obscene.) Ruthie and Annie welcome her to their humble cult, I mean home. Annie sniffs the air and then returns to the kitchen to find Simon gone.
Simon's upstairs yelling at Lucy and Mary. He leaves as Annie enters. Lucy yells that the Luke Theory was confidential. Annie apologizes. Mary says she wants to hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil. She only wants to show some evil on the cover of a "men's" magazine. She stomps out. Then she stomps in and demands, "WHAT is that smell?" "Maryanne is here," says Annie. Whatever.
Hank and Julie are chatting in the hospital cafeteria. He's telling her something about withholding info because her brother (Eric) is a minister. Julie seems pleased with whatever he's disclosed. Matt rushes in panting. Then he plays with their baby while Julie explains that Hank's Jewish. Okay. Then Julie thinks aloud and figures out that Hank brought it up after all this time because his parents are going to visit. She guesses that he hasn't told them she's a shiksa. And these people are married with a baby? Matt is uncomfortable and excuses himself, taking the baby with him. Hank and Julie don't notice as they continue to discuss their ridiculous dilemma. Matt performs physical non-comedy with the baby. As I'm watching this and not at all laughing, I try to imagine the sorts of viewers who really do enjoy this show and find it witty. I start shuddering uncontrollably and have to give myself another one of those shots my doctor prescribed. Matt returns the baby to the stroller and leaves as Hank and Julie declare their love. Julie asks what some Yiddish word means. I don't rewind to listen because at this point, I'm just trying to live through the hour.
Ruthie and Maryanne swoop down the stairs onto Annie and the high-chaired twins. "It's mothballs," Ruthie announces. She explains that Maryanne smells like mothballs and other old lady stuff, because she lives with her grandmother because her parents are no good. Maryanne nods and agrees with this assessment. Then Ruthie mentions that Maryanne lives across the street from a meat store. They take off as Annie starts to laugh rather frighteningly. Matt walks in and introduces Luke, who does a tap dance. Annie offers them sandwiches. She lists the cold cuts Maryanne gave her, laughing all the while as if she's on nitrous oxide. "Blah blah MEAT STORE!" she babbles, cracking herself up. "See, I told you," Simon tells his friend as they leave. I totally don't get it. Why is this funny? If it weren't for the Lighthearted Acoustic Guitar, I'd think week's episode would be about Annie's nervous breakdown.
Lisa Lunby shows up at RevCam's office again. Rev says her name and she asks if Mary ratted her out. He explains that she didn't. Lisa says she has "little explosions" when she feels that people are invading her space, hence her outburst on the street. Long story short: Lisa was raped by her mother's boyfriend. Her mom refuses to talk about it or let Lisa tell her brothers. RevCam calls it "molestation." He tells Lisa it wasn't her fault. All Lisa wants is to talk about it with her family, not her therapist or school counselor. The actress who plays Lisa does a decent-enough job with the dramatic lines she's given. RevCam grits that talking about what happened will take away the rapist's power. Then we see a Tresemme commercial.
We're almost done, y'all. Just hold tight. We're gonna see this train all the way to the station.
Luke does some schtick while playing basketball with an appreciative Simon. Luke then says that his brother's deaf and that's why he got into physical comedy. Simon blurts out that Matt's ex, Heather, is also deaf. The boys decide that Luke will teach Simon to sign. Good for them.
Mary goes into their room and tells Lucy, "Let's go!" Annie gave her "pizza money." Annie's cooking burgers for Ruthie, Simon, and friends, so Mary decided to have a sisterly talk with Lucy at the pizza place. Lucy's all paranoid. Mary thanks Lucy for being there to talk to throughout the year. Lucy hugs Mary and says, "I love you!" Mary returns the sentiment but asks her not to make a big deal about it. They decide that they'll talk about boys over their pizza. Ooh. I have indigestion already.
Matt goes into the kitchen (because he smelled the burgers from his apartment?) and tells Annie that Luke's funny. He starts to spill the beans about Hank's Jewishness, but Mary and Lucy yell from the other room that they're leaving. Then Matt breaks the news, but Annie already knew it. Matt asks how she knew. Annie relates that last December, Hank had called to ask Eric "what day Christmas Eve fell on." Then Rabbi Cohen ran into Annie somewhere and congratulated her on "getting a nice Jewish brother-in-law." Matt asks why they never mentioned it. Annie asks why they would. Ruthie and Maryanne run in. Ruthie introduces Matt. "You're very cute," Maryanne tells him. Poor, misguided kid. Matt thanks her. Then Maryanne says, "Too bad about New York . . . they have great meat there!" Matt sniffs around while Annie asks what the deal is with Maryanne's interest in meat. She says her grandmother's boyfriend is a butcher. The girls run off and Annie says, "It's mothballs and grandma stuff," before Matt can ask. Now I'm really confused about the meat. What the hell is so funny about it?
Over at the church, RevCam leads a heart-to-heart between Lisa and her mom. I'm not even going to describe it. I'll just give you the toll-free number at the end, okay? Suffice it to say that RevCam compresses months of therapeutic revelations into a single, four-minute session and saves the day yet again.
Okay. Call 1-800-656-HOPE or go to the RAINN site to speak to a counselor about sexual assault.
What did we learn this week? That's right. Communicate, communicate, communicate! So sayeth the Camdens, so shall it be done.