Yuck, the producers really should know better than to start out with a scene involving just SuperMom and Ruthie "philosophizing" over whether it was right for Ruthie to cut her friend Sarah's hair. I mean, by the time the opening credits and first ads roll around, there won't be any viewers left. Oh, except me, recapping the episode here for you. This kind of reminds me of the hideous day job I had a few years ago, at a place I called the Hellhole. Except it wasn't a day job, because I had to work the graveyard shift, and it was the loneliest feeling in the world, knowing that everyone else I knew was either sleeping or carousing. Well, when I'm watching scenes like this one, sometimes I can't help but feel I'm the only person in the world who hasn't changed the channel. See, I'm going off on a tangent, and I haven't even got through the first scene yet. Okay, Ruthie is in trouble for cutting her friend's hair. Ruthie claims her friend asked her to cut her hair. Aside from the fact that Ruthie's not supposed to play with scissors, I don't see what the big deal is here. Is cutting someone's hair a big sin that I would know about if I attended church on a regular basis? Does Sarah have some sort of mystical powers that are tied in with her hair, like Samson did? SuperMom orders Ruthie to go to her room and think about what she did. Ruthie says she hates being "cooped up" and asks, "How about if I just pick up trash by the highway, like Mary did?" For some reason, that actually cracks me up. Ruthie says she was supposed to visit someone named Mrs. Hinkle this afternoon. SuperMom says, "Now you have to tell her that you can't, and Mrs. Hinkle won't have a visitor this afternoon. You see how your actions affect other people, even people outside yourself and Sarah?" Ruthie says, "It's the punishment that affects Mrs. Hinkle; it's not my actions." SuperMom just tells Ruthie to let Mrs. Hinkle know she won't be visiting. Then she gets all petty and pulls away the plate of cookies from in front of Ruthie. Maybe her lack of parenting skills is supposed to be humorous?
In the courthouse, a really bad actor is playing a judge. In a monotone, he treats us to a PSA that gives a very brief description of what a jury does. RevCam is part of this jury. He glares at the defendant, who is being led out of the courtroom. He continues to glare at the door the defendant departed through, long after the defendant is actually gone. We fade into the opening credits, and I hit the fast-forward button quickly, because I really, really don't want to have the theme song going through my head for the rest of the day.
The jurors file into their, um, juror room and sit down, but not before the token redneck juror has a chance to opine that this trial is a waste of the taxpayers' money. We go around the table as the jurors give their votes. They all vote "not guilty" except for RevCam. Crotchety Juror is pissed because if the jury actually has to deliberate, he will miss the big basketball game. RevCam looks uncomfortable. Either he feels bad about making Crotchety Guy miss the game, or else he's plotting how best to shove his opinion down the throats of the other jurors.
Dopey enters the CamKitchen to pick up the keys to the church office, where he plans on doing some schoolwork. Man, talk about scraping the bottom of the plot barrel! The last time I checked, colleges had libraries, but I guess the writers want to put the Dopester in the church so he can be "funny." Oops, I hope I didn't spoil anything for you by jumping ahead there. Dopey has to write a paper for his Stats class on how statistics are used in his chosen profession, which, of course, is medicine. Hey, quit laughing! Anything's possible on a Spelling show. After all, Michael Mancini was a doctor on Melrose Place, and on , the writers continually expect viewers to believe that men would fight over Kelly Taylor, instead of, say, wanting to tape her mouth shut or shove her hypocritical ass off a cliff. Anyway, Dopey's having trouble with his first assignment because the info he needs is apparently not in the textbooks. I guess he thinks teachers should assign papers that can be researched entirely from one's primary textbook, just like they used to do in junior high. SuperMom tells Dopey that if he gets spooked in the church, he can always come back to the CamPound to work. Dopey's looking forward to hanging with God in His house. I'll bet God is trying to think of good excuses for why Matt shouldn't come over.
Matt leaves and Lucy and Mary walk in, right on cue. They want to know if RevCam's home. When they find out he isn't, they smile at Annie until she says, "No!" Mary whines that SuperMom doesn't even know what they wanted to ask her yet. SuperMom says that whatever it is, it will cost money, and the family has none. What the girls want is to borrow against their allowances to buy cappuccinos. We learn that SuperMom has weird ideas about how much various things cost. Six bucks for a cappuccino? Thirty dollars a week if she bought salon shampoo for the entire family? Okay, her numbers might not be that far off, but I just got kind of fixated on that aspect because the rest of this argument is too boring for words.
Exit girls; enter Simon. He wants SuperMom to allow his whiny girlfriend, Deena, to come over. SuperMom is tired and says she might not feel like chaperoning the little lovebirds. Simon is still talking about the hickey experience, saying that he will never give Deena another one for as long as he lives. Okay, whatever, but I think the more important issue here is that he should really, really just shut up about the damn love bites already. Part of me wants to feel sympathy for SuperMom, because all her children are so bloody rude to her, but I just can't be bothered to dredge up any emotions for someone as annoying as Annie.
Dopey enters his father's church office and sits down at the desk, in front of what are either the world's tackiest rainbow-coloured curtains or else a fairly ugly stained-glass window. He attempts to drink some coffee but can't even get that right, spilling it all over his crotch. He strips down to his boxer shorts. Could I be any more underwhelmed? Maybe, but I'd really have to work at it.
SuperMom walks into the girls' bedroom and asks them where Ruthie is. They don't care, nor do I. Lucy and Mary start badgering SuperMom again: Mary is arguing that it doesn't cost anything for the girls to go to the Promenade and "stalk Lucy's old boyfriend," Andrew Nayloss. Lucy whacks Mary in the arm and points out that Mary is hoping to run into Robbie, a fact which could hardly advance their cause in Annie's eyes. Mary whacks Lucy in the face, hard, giving her a black eye. Mary goes downstairs to get some ice while a very frazzled SuperMom tries to comfort Lucy. Simon chooses this moment to hassle his mother again about having Deena over. She's flustered enough to give in, provided he can find Ruthie for her.
Wow, this is turning into a regular comedy of morons here. First Mary and Ruthie discuss the fact that SuperMom is looking for Ruthie. Then Simon and Ruthie discuss the same thing. Finally, SuperMom herself shows up, and she starts bitching out Ruthie for not going to her room when instructed to do so earlier. Ruthie explains that she'd gone to Mrs. Hinkle's to tell her in person that she wouldn't be visiting, since she didn't know the phone number of the Hinkle residence. Okay, it's sort of dorky, but it does make a convoluted kind of sense to me. Apparently SuperMom has the IQ of dust, though, because she just doesn't understand it. I won't get too upset over the stupidity of this scene's pretensions to comedy, because there's already enough overacting taking place on camera.
And speaking of failed attempts at levity, we're back to Dopey in his father's office. He's writing something; the point on the pencil breaks; Dopey stares at the pencil in disbelief for a while. Ah, it's the classic "I can't believe my pencil broke" gag that's been making people laugh since the days of vaudeville. Or else it's been making people gag. I forget. Dopey moves things around on the desk for a while. I guess that's just so the writers won't have as much crappy dialogue to crank out. Finally, Dopey finds a couple of pencils. He uses them to play a drum solo on the top of his desk. I think it's part of his secret plot to turn himself into David Cassidy. I know Gwen and Sars have talked about the Cassidy connection before, but I recently watched one of those Secrets of the Sitcoms specials on Fox and was amazed at the resemblance between Dopey and the dorky Partridge heartthrob. Hey, and here's some bonus trivia: partridges -- the birds -- are really, really dumb. While taking the dirt road to Mr. Cate's cottage, we used to see the stupidest birds who, when they saw a car coming, would not only not get off the road but they would call the rest of their family over so they could all waddle down the centre of the road toward us, staring at our car like they'd never seen an automobile before. We didn't know what they were called at the time, so we nicknamed them Dodo Birds. When I finally realized they were actually partridges, it gave me an entirely new perspective on the whole Partridge Family experience. If I were a better paranoid conspiracy theorist, I'm sure I could spin some implausible crap out of the whole Dopey/Partridge/partridge situation. But Dopey rarely sustains my interest beyond a few minutes, and right now is no exception.
You're probably going to need all your strength to get through this scene. I'm just giving you the warning I wish I'd had. RevCam is lecturing the jury on why they are so wrong to disagree with him. The case has something to do with an alleged drug dealer shooting a cop who was trying to arrest him. But you know what? This whole plot really blows because we have absolutely no way of knowing the facts of the case. I know we're supposed to take RevCam's word for it, but damn it, he's such a freak that I have trouble believing anything he says. Anyway, the rest of the jury is trying to argue that it may be a case of police corruption; RevCam is basically telling them they're full of shit. I'm off crying in the corner because I can't believe the WB would air this tripe and yet they refused to buy my idea for a series about crime-fighting gerbils. See, I wanted to tie it in with a chain of theme restaurants called "The Big Gerb Café." It would have pine shavings on the floor, and all the beverages would be served in those little water bottles you put in the cages of small mammals, and the wait staff would roam around in giant exercise wheels. Oh, and they could wear gerbil costumes, and there would be aquariums with gerbils at each table. Okay, scoff if you like, but it's really no stupider than pretty much anything that happens on this show. Like right now, for instance. RevCam is being all martyr-like as he says, "How can you think that the police, who protect us, that every last one of them is corrupt?" Um, Eric, no one was saying that, but I don't want to spoil your big drama-queen moment here. What other unwarranted conclusions can you draw, RevCam? How about: "So what you're really saying is that you know the defendant killed this officer but that you just don't care." Mm, no, Eric I don't think they're saying that either. But you are right about one thing. I certainly don't care about this case, or this scene.
It looks like RevCam has been sulking by the window during the commercial break. One of the jurors, an older African-American guy, comes up to him and asks to tell him a story. When anyone on this show, even a tertiary character, says he or she is gonna tell a story, that's usually my chance to grab a little shut-eye, but I'll give this guy a chance. This guy's nephew sold some unspecified "drugs" but got caught. Because he did the selling on an army base, it was a federal offence, and the nephew got a fifteen-year sentence. At the same time, some Caucasian guys involved in Medicare fraud walked away from the courthouse after making only partial restitution. While this is a good story and I agree with the point that's being brought across, it's interesting that any story that ever gets told on this show feels slightly warped. It's almost as though it's been written by someone who normally writes propaganda. I'm somewhat surprised when the writer has RevCam put forth this fairly sophisticated concept: "The only thing I know for certain about how it feels to be black in America is that I'll never know how it feels to be black in America."
At the church, Dopey is wandering around in his boxers, driving us gals just wild with lust. Um, you know I'm kidding, right? He calls SuperMom to ask her if RevCam has any music other than the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band around the office. She asks if the quiet is getting to him; he says no. Scene over.
After a pointless discussion about tuna fish, Lucy tells Mary, "You owe me, and you owe me big." Mary says she can even the score by calling Andrew Nayloss and trying to get him to date Lucy. Lucy wisely declines that offer, but it doesn't stop Mary from suggesting that Lucy call Mary's loathsome ex, Robbie, to see how he's doing. Lucy refuses, citing as her reason, "Because I don't care what's going on with him and I don't care if he's okay." That makes at least two of us. Lucy requests that Mary bring her an iced tea, even though she insists that's not enough payment for the black eye.
As Mary's going downstairs, Ruthie waylays her and asks for her help. Mary's all prissy about Ruthie accepting the consequences of her actions, but Ruthie insists she's done nothing wrong and that she is just like Mary. She thinks she doesn't deserve to be punished, but "once you're labeled as the 'bad girl,' there's nothing you can do about it." Ew, I really hope that doesn't mean we'll be seeing the actress who plays Ruthie in Gear magazine a few years hence. Mary is complimenting Ruthie's "bad girl" theory when SuperMom walks in to ask if Ruthie's been thinking about what she did. If she were smart, Ruthie would just lie and say what SuperMom wants to hear.
Then again, Ruthie's punishment is nothing in comparison to what Simon has to endure. And he didn't even do anything wrong! Whiny Deena is over to play board games with him in the kitchen. They're playing Life and having an argument over why the peg in Deena's car that's supposed to represent Simon is placed in the backseat instead of the front. Deena really isn't cool enough to be wearing a black turtleneck. You know, she's not even cool enough to be on this geeky show. Who cast her anyway? She sucks. She and Simon get passive-aggressive with each other for a bit until this unfortunate scene draws to a close.
When Mary returns to her bedroom, she starts telling Lucy that she's phoned Andrew Nayloss's house and spoken to his father. Lucy is horrified, especially when Mary says that Andrew has a new girlfriend now and that his parents like this girlfriend more than they ever liked Lucy. Andrew is not crazy about his girlfriend, but that makes his parents happy, because that way there will be less making out, and making out leads to sex. Lucy says she can't believe Mary would do that and that Andrew's father would say those things. Is it possible Mary's lying? As she walks past the camera, she flashes the nasty smile of a girl evil enough to toilet-paper the school gymnasium.
Oh, criminy, RevCam's just winding up for another speech in the juror room. He says that the judicial system has been racist in the past and often is now. No shit. But he asks the jurors not to let that affect their decision on this case. Jeez, RevCam, just because these jurors don't agree with your point of view does not mean that they are all being racist or stupid. Maybe they just don't agree with you, okay? RevCam calls for another vote, and this time Older African-American Guy votes "guilty." This gets the older guy into a fight with Young African-American Guy. They're actually having a really interesting debate about generational differences and racism when they are rudely interrupted by RevCam, who can't stand being out of the spotlight for longer than two seconds. Although it's actually the older black guy who's done most of the convincing, when the younger black guy changes his vote to "guilty," RevCam looks very pleased with himself. Let's leave him to his delusions and enjoy a well-deserved commercial respite, shall we?
Dopey is modeling his father's RevRobe in the church office. Then he practically skips into the church, which is mighty odd behaviour, if you ask me. He looks around the church for a while, then gets up in the pulpit and says, "Welcome! Welcome, everyone! Welcome to the church of Matt!" As comedy, it doesn't fare very well.
RevCam is still battling jurors like some kind of superhero. Two jurors are saying that they live in the same neighbourhood as the defendant, and the police often bend the rules there. The Latino guy tells a story about his aunt being stopped by the police for "D.W.B.," which he says means "Driving While Brown." The license plate discrepancy that caused the cops to stop his aunt turned out to be a computer error, and this guy is pissed because the police made his aunt lie on hot asphalt for half an hour while they sorted out the error. RevCam says the police shouldn't have done that, but the angry guy won't be mollified. He tells RevCam that his aunt is a federal judge and that he himself has an MBA, "But I'll bet that the first time you saw me, you wondered, 'Does he have any gang connections?'" Actually, the first time I saw him, I didn't notice his skin colour, but I did wonder if he was a pimp, thanks to the plethora of tacky gold chains around his neck. Mr. Cate thought he was a club bouncer. While it's good of him to keep it real by purchasing his fashion accessories at the flea market, I have to recommend a serious makeover. I mean, if I showed up at work with my hair teased high and those feather roach-clip earrings in my ears and an acid-wash miniskirt, I think I could understand if people automatically assumed I was a major skank. RevCam points out that Angry Guy is being prejudiced himself, and adds, "If you're voting 'not guilty' because of the wrong that was done to your aunt, you're just as bad as the cops who harassed your aunt, don't you think?" Angry Guy responds, "No, I don't think so, and quite frankly, I find it offensive that you think so!" I sigh and think that it's not that hard to make RevCam look like a good guy when all the bad guys he ever faces are dumber than a box of rocks.
Lucy goes downstairs to RevCam's home office to call Andrew Nayloss's father in private. When she tells him who she is and that her sister may have phoned him earlier, he just says, "We're not interested in changing our long distance provider," and hangs up on her. Perplexed, Lucy dials again and tells Mr. Nayloss not to hang up. Then she launches into a very odd speech explaining away the things he allegedly told Mary earlier. She says, "You said that Andrew was happy with his new girlfriend, and that's because they didn't make out as much as we did, and that he's not ready to have sex." She goes on to say that she's not ready for sex either. Mr. Nayloss responds with, "Hey, that's enough of that sex talk, young lady," and he asks her which phone company she represents. When she finally establishes who she is and insists that she's not ready for sex, Mr. Nayloss asks what kind of "sick prank" this is and warns her and Mary to stay away from his son. Lucy hangs up the phone just as Mary walks in. She asks if Mary actually spoke to Mr. Nayloss, but Mary won't give her a straight answer. Lucy warns her that she will retaliate. "For what?" asks Mary. "I didn't do anything. Or maybe I did." Lucy chases her out of the office. All I can say is that Lucy and Mary do comedy way better than Dopey or Ruthie. I can't believe I'm saying it, but this scene has actually been funny.
You know, having said that, the scene also made me laugh out loud, and that's pretty weird, considering it's a scene in which Dopey plays "Alley Cat" on the church organ. Well, part of what cracks me up is that I suspect Barry Watson doesn't know how to play "Alley Cat" on an organ, so they're showing someone else's hands in the close-ups. And that makes me think of the Kids in the Hall sketch where Kevin McDonald plays a singer with a speech impediment, and Dave Foley plays the guy who interprets for him while he's singing. Ever since I saw them substitute a shot of some black guy's hands in the close-ups during that sketch, I've never been able to take this camera trick seriously, no matter how carefully a director tries to do it. Even though Barry Watson's no Kid in the Hall, he is kind of funny as a smarmy lounge-lizard kind of entertainer in this scene.
Unfortunately that scene is much too short, and we have to head back to the CamPound to see Mary run into Ruthie's room to hide from Lucy. Mary is freaked because Ruthie is wearing a hat, and she thinks maybe Ruthie has cut her own hair. Lucy comes into the room, followed by SuperMom. Annie is horrified as she asks if Ruthie cut her hair. Ruthie takes off her hat to show that she hasn't, but she realizes from Annie's scared facial expression how Sarah's mother must have felt when she saw that Sarah's hair was all cut off. Mary and Lucy wisely leave to avoid the SuperMom/Ruthie bonding scene that follows. Ruthie decides to offer to let Sarah cut her bangs in retaliation for the bad haircut she gave Sarah. You may find this hard to believe, but it's actually kind of a cute scene.
The scene, however, is about as far from cute as you could possibly get. Yes, it's Simon and Whiny Deena. Actually, right now Simon is whining too. It looks like he's losing the board game, so he just wants to quit. The conversation moves inexorably to world politics. Naw, I'm kidding. Obviously it's the old hickey debate again. Deena still really pissed at Simon for biting her. What I want to know is if she was going to be this angry about it, why didn't she put a stop to the whole thing when he was just getting started? I mean, even if it's your first hickey ever, it's not too hard to guess what's happening when it's going on. Deena points out that Simon never apologized for giving her the love bite. Is there anyone out there who doesn't think that's the height of stupidity? Simon argues that he considers himself and Deena "partners in crime." The whining continues until Deena decides that maybe she's to blame too.
SuperMom's getting off the phone with Sarah's mother. It sounds like everything's okay. She calls Dopey at the church, but he doesn't answer.
I imagine the reason Dopey hasn't answered the office phone is because he's still out in the church, playing "Chopsticks" on the church organ. It looks like maybe Barry Watson can handle this song, because I think those are actually his hands. Some surly guy comes into the church and says a neighbour called him because she heard the organ music. Dopey starts giving a bunch of nervous explanations for what he's doing there and why he's wearing the RevRobe. Finally he asks Surly Guy if anyone else needs to know about his church antics.
RevCam's still busy with his group brainwashing down at the courthouse. He gives a very condescending speech, asking the jurors what would happen if there were no police at all. One of the juror morons states his fear that sending the defendant to prison will only encourage him to become part of a gang. RevCam says, "You sympathize with the defendant because of his upbringing," and goes on to condescend some more about how the moron juror needs to realize that all actions have consequences. I love how the writers exploit the "bleeding-heart liberal" cliché and give the whole liberal coterie a collective IQ of about 85. Actually, I don't love it, but it's about what I've come to expect from this show. It does crack me up that RevCam converts another juror so quickly, though. Moron Juror goes up to the Angry Latino Guy and says, "Let's step up and do the right thing for the neighbourhood." Bam, two more converts. It looks like the big hold-out, however, is Crotchety Juror. I don't know why he's holding out. Maybe his hatred for RevCam outstrips his desire to catch the big basketball game. He says, "So, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes, you think you're gonna change the American legal system? Well, you're not changing my vote." RevCam contemplates this challenge as the generic, crappy background music swells dramatically to let us know there's a commercial break coming up. Yay!
All too soon it's over, and we're back in the courthouse. One female juror argues that nothing can bring the dead cop back. RevCam is ready, and he deflects that with something about the victim's family. The same female juror and Crotchety Juror try to argue there's no way they can know the truth, and therefore, they don't care. RevCam says they are lying when they says they don't care. He puts on his pop-psychology dunce cap to declare that they are just afraid to think they can make a difference. Then he throws some guilt at them about letting a murderer go free. The woman asks if he thinks one person can make a difference. RevCam replies, "If I didn't think that, I couldn't get out of bed in the morning." [Insert your own Camden busybody joke here.] Well, hallelujah, all the jurors have been converted, except Crotchety Juror. RevCam works on him a little more and then suggests they take another vote. We cut away from the scene so as to build more suspense in the minds of the two viewers who didn't figure out the ending in the first ten minutes of the show.
Ruthie is being tucked in by SuperMom. They're rehashing the haircutting thing once more for good measure. Ruthie says she's glad Sarah's mother doesn't think two wrongs make a right. We learn that if Sarah's mother had agreed that Ruthie should cut her hair, SuperMom would have made Ruthie do it. Not that there was ever much suspense, mind you, because it's hard to imagine what an ogre Sarah's mother would have had to be to agree to that proposal. SuperMom tries to wax philosophical about something or other, which can best be summarized by her statement that it is "pretty complicated." I would like to add that while it may be complicated, it's also pretty trite and not really worth sorting out. Ruthie says that "being good is a full-time job." Annie claims that's what she was trying to say before. When Ruthie stares at her blankly, SuperMom says, "Never mind." I'll take her up on that.
Mary and Lucy are arguing over whether Mary's prank of pretending to call Mr. Nayloss was funny. Obviously, Lucy thinks it was not. She says, "I told Andrew's nutty father that I wasn't ready to have sex." Finally Lucy agrees it was funny. Mary apologizes but says she also deserves to have some fun. Why Lucy would agree that Mary should have that fun at Lucy's expense is beyond me. Lucy does redeem herself somewhat when she says she called Robbie for Mary. She says she left a message saying, "Just because you wanted to fool around with my sister, and just because she didn't want to fool around, doesn't mean you're a totally bad guy. So call her." Lucy strings Mary along for a while as to whether she actually called Robbie. When Mary says she'll kill Lucy if she phoned, Lucy wants to know why. Mary gives a speech about wanting to find a good guy who won't get her in trouble and having the "freedom of living a guilt-free life." When Lucy says she didn't call Robbie, Mary is a little disappointed because she "kind of wanted to call him back and make that speech to him."
SuperMom is actually paying some attention to the twins when Simon walks in. She asks how his evening went, and he says, "I'm starting to realize that life is a lot of hard work, and it would be a whole lot easier if everyone would just do the right thing in the first place." That's obviously the main message of the week. Okay, we get it!
Dopey and Surly Guy are discussing statistics. Surly Guy is saying that stats can be manipulated to say almost anything you want. Duh! He says that the number "one" doesn't always sound so bad when it's used in statistics. Using RevCam's court case as an example, he says that with one murder victim among many thousands of people, the number "one" can actually sound good. However, it's not good, and "one matters." Okay, that's part of this week's special message to the viewers, in case you weren't paying attention the other twelve times that point was made already. Surly Guy goes on to relate this "one" concept to autism, and completely out of the blue we learn that Surly Guy has a child who's autistic. Surly Guy explains that his son's autism also affects Surly Guy and his wife. You know, this would have made a much better plot for today's show than the plot we actually got.
And here we are in the home stretch. The jurors walk back into the courtroom while the music the producers stole from some hokey seventies made-for-TV movie plays in the background. Ow, the non-suspense is killing me. The verdict is "guilty," of course, and RevCam smiles smugly. In his boring monotone, the judge dismisses the jury and thanks them for their help. He implies that everyone is included in his thanks, but we all know that, really, he just means the real hero of the day, the self-righteous RevCam.