This episode opens on Mary in denial. She's in the kitchen, telling the all the household but RevCam that Robbie's not a bad guy, that he simply made a mistake. She's referring, of course, to his attempt to seduce her on Valentine's Day. Simon disagrees with her, citing his own hickey faux pas as an innocent mistake. Ruthie makes alarmingly loud biting sounds by way of teasing him. She asks what Robbie did. Annie sends her off to take the bread to the dining table. Annie sends Simon with the salad. He protests that he knows what they're talking about -- that Robbie took Mary to a motel. Annie says that he tried to take her to a motel. Then she catches Mary's mortified eye and shuts up. Simon says something about waiting for Matt and John to join them. Annie explains that they're running late and shoos him out. Mary hopes aloud that Robbie will see the error of his ways and apologize. Annie tells her that even if he does, it won't change the fact that he's a dishonest young man who tried to seduce her daughter. Mary suggests that the fault was her own, that she misled Robbie into thinking she was the motel type. Annie tells her, "There will be other guys!" "But not like Robbie," pouts Mary. "I hope not," says Annie sincerely. Word, Annie. Too bad you're wearing a sailor-collared top. RevCam comes through the back door. No one greets him or anything. "Hello, loved ones," he says without irony. "We're a very lucky family, you know that?" Eye-rolling and avoidance commences. RevCam tells them that he received a letter that he'd like to read to them. Annie gives her kids the warning eye and says that they'd all like to hear it. Rude-y says that she thought the pot roast was done. "Pot roast?" questions the Rev. Annie tells him that she has "a nice swordfish steak" for him. Hmm. That sounds kind of freaky, typed out like that, doesn't it? RevCam's all drama-queen drawing out the intro to his letter, which is from a boy who wants Eric to pray for him. "It wasn't Robbie, was it?" asks Dum-dum Mary. Sheesh. Take a cold shower, you imbecile. RevCam tries to continue amidst Simon's lame-joke-cracking and Ruthie's interruptions. "Dear Man Who Works for God," says the letter. Because Eric said something about prayer changing things and being powerful and all, Ruthie cuts in and says that she knows what she's praying for. So does Mary. So does Simon. All kids but the twins rudely leave. The twins probably would have left, too, if they hadn't been locked in their highchairs. Annie remarks that that didn't go the way RevCam was hoping it would. Then it's time to kick out the jams and groove to the theme song. Damn, that's fresh! Who is that - Eddie Rabbit? Kenny Loggins? Robert Plant?
The only thing worse than watching Jennifer Love-Boobit shill for Neutrogena is watching a simulation of black junk being flushed out of pores I presume to be hers.
RevCam's in bed with his non-fiction handy on the nightstand. One of the titles is Religion and Law. The letter from the little boy in distress is on top of the stack. We pan to Eric himself and see him reading A History of God, which has an interesting jacket incorporating Stars of David, crosses, and crescent moons. He looks up to see Annie enter in a blue robe that looks like a winter coat from the '50s. She removes it, hops into bed, drops a kiss on Rev, and cranks off her bedside lamp. She's ready to conk out. Eric asks if she's tired. Please don't make us see him asking for sex. Please. Annie says she loves him. She tries to go to sleep again. Eric's staring at her and she asks him to read the letter to her. The letter says that the writer's brother was shot to death at school two months before. The writer's dad started drinking after seven years of sobriety. So we're dealing with a little boy who knows about sober years, but who's too cute to know Eric's name or title. The boy's mom had to start working two jobs and he cares for his little sister. He's worried about the two of them getting shot at school. "...I'm afraid nothing's ever going to change unless people like you ask God for help for people like me," he concludes, sans signature. Throughout this reading, Annie's rudely yawning and closing her eyes to show us that she sleeps in full makeup, shimmery shadow included. Eric wonders why the boy (he's been assuming it's a boy) wrote to him. He suggests that the boy heard Eric was shot last year. Sure, RevCam. It's not because you're a minister or anything. It's all on a personal level, all about you. Annie Clouseau asks how he'd know about that unless he went to their church. RevCam says that he doesn't know a family that fits that description. I guess it's nice that he knows the business of every family in his parish. He says he hopes he can find the boy and help him. Eric turns off his light, but now Annie can't sleep. They eye each other as the playful guitar strums. Gross. No more babies for you two! You don't want to have to change the name of the show, do you?
Mary and Simon kick back in one bedroom or another and moan about their respective lost loves. Lucy comes in wearing her yellow robe with moon appliqués which is SO Beverly Hills season-before-last - scrimp on wardrobes, much, Mr. Spelling? - and announces that she's ready for bed. She ascertains that her siblings are going to stay up moaning and groaning about their love lives. "I don't HAVE a love life," say Mary and Simon simultaneously. Man, that's freaking funny. Not. Lucy tells them to cheer up and turns to go. Mary yells after her to pray that Robbie will find a way to "get back in good" with Mary and the family. Simon adds his request that she pray for him to get back in with Deena's family. Lucy says that she's "not tying up the God Lines with either of those prayers. Got it?" She stomps away. Catty Mary remarks to Simon that Lucy's doing the best she can, considering the only two guys she's ever been in love with are Jimmy and Rod. Whatever that means. Simon asks about the "other one" that they both liked - "the one with the big lips." Mary says that they don't speak of him. Simon misses Deena. Mary misses Robbie. Gwen misses the toilet bowl when she runs to puke.
Ruthie gets out of bed to pray. "Please, God, give me a pony. I really, really want a pony. If you give me a pony, I'll never, ever do anything wrong again. This is Ruthie Camden and I'm asking you for a pony and sooner is better than later." CRASH! An Archangel appears and sets Ruthie afire in a furious blaze. Oh, wait. No. No one appears. Ruthie sighs. So do I.
At the Loser Bachelor Pad, Matt and John study. John stops to ask Matt if he believes all that stuff RevCam was saying about prayer at dinner. Matt wants to know why he asks. John asks what difference it makes. Matt says John must be asking for a reason. John's just asking. Matt makes a crack about John praying to pass a test. No, John's studying for the test. Matt asks why he's asking, then. "Forget it. It's not that important," John fumes, rolling his eyes. Yeah, really. Some minister's kid you are, you punk Matt. WARNING: MORE UNREALISTIC SCENAGE AHEAD. John lies back on his bunk and prays, to Matt's amusement. He admits that he was praying to find a nice woman to have dinner with - "a simple request from a simple man." Yeah - simple, all right. They snipe at each other a bit. Then Matt sets down his book and does his own mouth-breathing prayer, presumably for the same thing. John makes a face. I like John and I feel sorry that he has to live with Matt and Matt's hair.
Back at the CamPound, Ruthie's telling her dad that she's getting a pony. RevCam double-takes. Ruthie explains. Simon walks in, overhearing, and tells Ruthie she's not getting a pony. Ruthie says that she prayed for one, so she's going to get one and thereby change her life with the power of prayer like RevCam said. "It doesn't work like that," her dad says. What, he's a minister and he didn't teach his kids the whys and wherefores of prayer a long time ago? Sheesh. Give me a church to run, dang it. Anybody could set a better example than this guy. Ruthie points out that Simon's prayer for a dog was answered with Happy. Annie walks in wearing a huge orange shirt and says that she was the one who got Happy for the family. "God got you to get Happy," Simon corrects. Annie smiles as if that was humorous or cute. "So why can't God get you to get me a pony? What's the difference? You big bunch of non-believers," says Ruthie. Silence that child! Muzzle her! No one says jack. She runs off, declaring loudly that she's getting a pony. Yeah, a pony across the backside, little girl. (Uh... that sounded weirder than I meant it...) Simon asks which CamRent is going to take that on. RevCam says they never know, that she might get a pony. Way to shirk, Eric. Annie leaves to talk to her brattiest daughter.
Ugh. No rest for the wicked... Annie enters Ruthie's room to see her sorting boots and bandanas in preparation for the Coming of the Pony. Ruthie speechifies about her expectations and says that if she doesn't get her wish, it'll be because God didn't hear her. Annie will be right back. Ruthie takes the opportunity to reiterate her prayer in an even ruder, more presumptuous way than before. Then a bunch of locusts fly in and swarm her spoiled ass. Oh, wait. No they don't. Sigh.
We see all the moles on the left side of Mary's face as she soulfully prays, "Please, please, please!" in close-up. Lucy shows up and offers to take Mary out and get her mind off Robbie. "Not what I was praying for," says Mary. Yeah, Mary, we know. You were praying for Robbie to show up with a chaste apology, a diamond, and a release from your contract. Lucy opines that the CamRents are probably praying that Robbie will never call again. Mary freaks and runs out of the room.
In the kitchen, Simon is clarifying that RevCam believes Ruthie might get a pony but that he doesn't think Deena's parents will change their mind about Simon. Eric starts to deny this, but Mary barges in and starts yelling at him. She asks if he's praying against her. She continues convolutedly on the subject in a way that's supposed to be funny. RevCam says, "Of course not," and she's mollified enough to leave, fortunately. Simon tells his dad, "This is why you should keep your work at the office." RevCam says that the world is his office. "Don't we know it?" Simon coldly jokes at his father's expense. Man. RevCam's getting disrespected left and right in his own home. He should find another family to bug for the day. (That's me, helping you out with foreshadowing. You're welcome.)
Matt and John are on the street, fish-wifing at each other and trolling for chicks. One appears and asks if they know where the hardware store is. The chick looks racially ambiguous, like she could be white, African-American, or both. I'm only telling y'all this because it figures into the plot later. The three young people smile at each other through several thousand shots.
The phone rings and to Simon's dismay, his dad answers. Eric says it's Sgt. Michaels so Simon takes off. The short of it is that the sergeant's trying to help RevCam find the boy who wrote the letter. RevCam says something like, "The letter says this Sunday, so I have to find him by Sunday." I don't remember the letter saying anything like that, but whatever. It's Saturday. RevCam needs to get a move on. First he looks heavenward, though, and says, "Help." Okay. It's off on another Busybody Quest for y'all's hero. What? He's not my hero. You take him!
This all-new episode of 7th Heaven is brought to us by the gyrating youths of Dr. Pepper and Polaroid, and is followed by the sexy teens of Popular. Sin is all around us!
In her bedroom, Mary is saying that God isn't answering her prayers because she's not deserving. Well, it's about time she figured it out. She's saying this to Lucy, who's continuing her Pimp Fashions theme in a red vinyl jacket with faux leopard trim. Lucy suggests that God wants her to quit hanging with the "big, fat, liar, seducer, delinquent." Her sister protests that Lucy's talking about the guy Mary loved. Lucy says she's talking about the real guy, not the pretty picture Mary painted in her head. Tell it, Lucy. Testify! Lucy tells Mary that she needs to get out of the house. She suggests that Simon and they take the twins for a walk. Mary doesn't want to have any fun. She wants to sit there and be miserable, and misery does not love perkiness. "Whatever," says Lucy. I second.
Lucy accosts Simon in his room. He's staring at his photo of Deena. Simon doesn't want to accompany her and the twins to the Glenoak Promenade, because then he might miss Deena's call. She's not supposed to call him, but she might if his prayers are answered and her parents change their minds. Lucy tells him he doesn't necessarily get everything he asks for when he asks for it. Simon won't budge, so she leaves.
In the nursery, Ruthie's bitching that having her own pony isn't the same as riding one around a little ring. It certainly isn't. When I was Ruthie's age, I wanted a horse - no mere pony for me. I bothered my dad about it. I even perused the livestock section in the classifieds every Sunday. Instead of buying me a horse, my dad took us to Kiddie Wonderland several times. You could ride ponies there. I enjoyed that, but it wasn't the same as galloping across a field on your on fiery steed. When I was eighteen, I moved away for college and met a man. I eventually moved in with that man. That man's niece owned a horse. I got to ride the horse on their ranch one day. The horse was slow and sulky and the ride was a bore. Later my man took me to the coast. We rented horses on the beach. My horse was even sulkier than the niece's. It plodded half the route, and ran like a maniac to get home after that. I screamed in fear. My butt hurt for days afterwards. I've never wanted to ride a horse since. I don't remember whether I ever asked God for a horse, but if I did, I'm apologizing for it now.
Lucy tells her mom that she's taking the twins on an outing. Annie thanks her warmly. Lucy invites Ruthie along. "Hello? What if the pony comes and I'm out for a stroll?" asks Rude-y, who then leaves. Lucy tells her mother that she's had all she can take with everyone's prayers and she wishes RevCam had never brought up the subject. "Well, he did, and it's a very interesting subject," says StuporMom with no conviction at all. Some minister's wife you are, Annie!
RevCam is bugging people door-to-door as a mellow instrumental plays. All the houses look the same, like subdivision cubicles. Eric's not having any luck.
Back at the Loser Pad, Matt and John argue over which of them "Raven" preferred. Matt mentions that he's not broken up with Shana - they're just free to see other people. The boys squabble and then pray some more. A succubus ascends from hell and rips their heads off. Oh, wait... sigh.
Simon and Mary stare at the phone. WILL THIS TRIPE NEVER END? They begin arguing because Simon thinks Robbie's a "no good scoundrel." Way to utilize the nineteenth century lingo, Simon. Mary ends up yelling at Simon to shut up. He tells her to shut up. She jumps up as if to hit him. He jumps up in his turn. They glare at each other and then Simon looks sad and leaves. Mary sighs and prays out loud that her parents will forgive Robbie. Instead, she should be giving thanks that she and her siblings don't beat the crap out of each other the way me and mine did.
Lucy's sitting on a bench at the Glenoak Promenade, spoon-feeding the twins. A nosy woman sits to her and smiles at the babies. When Lucy looks up and says hello, the woman gasps in disgust and takes off. Lucy raises her eyebrows. Two more women come over to gawk at the twins. Lucy greets them. One asks her how old the twins are. Lucy says that they had their first birthday on Valentine's. The other woman says, "And how old are you?" all rude and nosy as hell. Lucy amiably tells them she's sixteen. They gasp, shake their heads, and go away. It reminds me of when I was fourteen and I strolled my baby cousin to the neighborhood store. The mannerless women in my neighborhood went so far as to call out, "Is that your baby?" a man and a woman show up to stare at the children. The man says, "Cute boys," and then, "You're a little young, aren't you?" Lucy asks, "Young for what?" The wife answers, "To be having babies." Lucy says they're her brothers. The woman looks archly at her companion and says, "Right." Lucy jumps up and explains that she's helping her mom, who has seven children. "Oh, seven, is it? And how many will you have before you realize the error of your ways?" says the snotty old bitch. "I will pray for you, young lady." She and the man walk off. Lucy yells, "Do me a favor: pray for yourself, old bag!" The woman gasps. Everyone stares. Lucy looks around and bellows, "Brothers! They're my baby brothers!" Poor Lucy.
The phone rings and Matt and John lunge for it like starved dogs. Matt answers. It's Raven, asking if the two of them can have dinner with her family that night. Let me get this straight - she's known the guys for a few hours, and now she wants them to meet her family? Sounds like a cult to me.
RevCam gets home to find only Annie in the living room. He asks where the kids are. Annie says she "sent them all to separate corners" because they were fighting or angry. "How did this happen?" asks Rev, all solemn and concerned. "You," says Annie shortly. Then she says that prayer is apparently a very controversial subject. Then all the sheep watching at home nod sagely and say, "I told them to let the coaches lead our kids in Christian prayer!" Ruthie comes downstairs in order to open the front door, not see a pony, and blaspheme. She runs off and Eric tells Annie he didn't find the kid. "Maybe you're not supposed to," Annie tells him in a pissed-off way. What's she mad at him for? Oh, that's right... for never talking to the kids about prayer. Eric asks if that's her final answer. I wonder if anyone told Regis about the shout-outs he's getting this ep. Maybe he's sitting home watching and winking, though. Annie states that Eric's mad at her now. "Maybe," says he. She rolls her eyes and goes to fluff pillows while he looks into the distance.
I'm watching the Swiffer commercial with all the cute guys and now I see why Wing Chun endorses the product.
It's the same never-ending Saturday and Annie's asking Eric if he's still angry. Eric stops working on his laptop and says no, and that he's sorry. He agrees with her earlier statement that he's not supposed to find the kid. Then the phone rings, and it's Sgt. Michaels saying that he found the kid's address, even though earlier he was saying that he wouldn't be able to help RevCam until Monday. The boy is Jonathan Smith. RevCam jots down his address (breach of the law, much?) and gets up to leave. Ruthie's walking into his office at that moment. She carps that she came to see her dad about the pony but that it can wait. RevCam leaves. Annie asks to speak to Rude-y. She hauls her daughter onto her lap and asks why she wants the pony. Ruthie gives a not-cute speech about wanting to feel that she's flying from heaven to earth. Or some such crap. StuporMom says they all need a pony. Then she says that if your need is great enough but your want is small enough, your wish might be granted. She suggests that Ruthie write or draw about her pony desires instead of just complaining about it. Ruthie peels out to draw a picture and I wash the sap off my hands.
In the kitchen, Mary's apologizing to Simon. Lucy bursts in and expresses her disbelief at the way strangers judged her as a teenage mom. Simon ignores this and yaks about Deena some more. Lucy tries to make another point about the flak teen moms are always getting. Mary moans about Robbie. Simon keeps trying to convince her that Robbie's a jerk. They have a stupid debate about whether prayer can change events that already happens. Mary and Lucy leave. Simon prays aloud to be able to fix his mistake.
John and Matt dress for dinner and argue. John asks if Matt's rebounded to the point that he's ready to start a new relationship. Matt says that he must have if God thinks he's ready. John says that God was answering John's prayer, not Matt's. Matt's wearing a black sports coat over a maroon turtleneck. He has a Mr. Howe sort of look going on.
RevCam's sitting in front of Jonathan's house, which happens to be in a bad neighborhood. You can tell by all the background noise, the trash, and the non-white kids who walk by and advise him to leave. Then one of the kids asks if Eric's there to take Jonathan to jail. Eric says he's just a friend.
Matt and John show up at Raven's. She introduces her parents, who happen to be African-American. As the mom leads John into the other room, Raven's dad puts his hand on Matt's shoulder and says he's glad there are some people who don't judge Raven by the color of her skin. He also says that Matt and John are the answer to their prayers. Matt nods and smiles. Then he looks at John and Raven who are sitting on the couch. Then he nods and smiles again.
Jonathan runs up to his house and finds RevCam there. He explains that he had to go to his uncle's and borrow money and get liquor and I don't know what all else. He says that if his dad finds RevCam there, he'll "beat [Jonathan] severely about the head, man." Then Jonathan scolds RevCam because he never asked him to show up at his house. "Can't you read?" he asks. He asked RevCam to pray for him. He sent letters to churches all over the world and asked men and women working for God to pray and nothing more. At least he has access to a good library, right? Jonathan explains that he didn't sign his letter because he's not selfish. (SMARM ALERT.) "You think I'm the only kid who had his life ruined by a gun? Kids just like me all over the world are suffering. I figured, if no one knew who they were praying for particular [sic], they would pray for all of us in general. So please, just do what I asked, and pray. And get everyone you know to pray. The Man Upstairs will take care of all of us. Have a little faith, Reverend." While he's saying this in his weird scratchy voice, the Peanuts gang sings "Woo, ooo, ooo..." with their eyes closed and faces upturned. Just kidding. Jonathan runs off into the night. RevCam looks down and sighs. I go get a snack.
Ford is now using the song "Le Freak," but singing "break out" instead of "freak out." It kind of makes me laugh.
Ruthie's asleep with the picture she drew of herself on a Pegasus.
Simon's standing in front of the mirror practicing an apology to Deena's dad. He calls Mr. Stewart and starts to recite it, but Mr. Stewart asks if he has any idea what time it is. Simon coughs up the rest of his apology and Mr. Stewart calls Deena to the phone. Simon thanks God.
Mary and Lucy are in bed, but Mary's not asleep. She turns on her lamp and tells Lucy she's going to give up praying because Robbie probably won't change. Lucy speechifies about Robbie growing up and learning how to respect people. The sisters decide to pray for Robbie to become a good person. The CamRents come in to say goodnight. Mary asks them to pray for Robbie, too. RevCam tells her not to expect a quick response because "it could take years. And years." He also warns her that Robbie might turn good and then hook up with another woman. Mary is fatalistic. She thanks everyone in the room. The CamRents leave. Mary asks Lucy if she has anything Mary could pray for. Well, of course she does. She wants Mary to pray for all the teen mothers out there, "like [her] friend Cory," that they have the strength to persevere despite people dissing them all the time. Lucy looks over to see that Mary's conked out. She tells God, "Okay, about this Robbie guy..." and assumes the prayer position. I can't believe Lucy didn't annoy me at all this week.
Downstairs, Annie tells RevCam that she has to call a man about a pony. Oh, that's so witty.
John cheerfully walks into the Bachelor Pad, where Matt is studying in his sweats again. I'm guessing that Matt left the dinner party early because it's more appropriate on a show like this for an African-American to date another African Americans. John asks Matt if he wants to accompany him to church tomorrow, either John's dad's church or RevCam's. Matt claims that he has to do a favor for his mom. John's smiling like a possum. Matt looks uncomfortable. I don't understand what happened. I mean, I guess it's what I jokingly said above, but how could they actually leave it to the viewers to assume that Matt didn't want to date Raven because she's black? That's pretty lame, if you ask me. For some strange reason, Aaron Spelling never asks me, though.
The morning, Ruthie's being helped onto a horse by some guy named Mr. Watson. Matt's standing around smiling. I guess he was the one who drove her over there. Ruthie rides the horse in overlapping slow motion shots while a clarinet plays too loudly.
The rest of the CamFam's in their pew at the church. Well, except that RevCam's at the podium, of course. Lucy's on the aisle with a twin in her lap. Some guy walks up the aisle and tells her, "Hi. I'm new. Do I just sit anywhere?" Lucy says yeah, so he scrunches in right to her. He introduces himself as Andrew [Mumble], and she tells him her name. I wonder if this is another celebrity cameo, because the boy looks a bit like Eddie Munster. No, it couldn't be him, though. This guy's too young. Mary leans into Lucy and says, "So it's an Andrew, just not an Andrew [some other Mumble]." I guess that's a reference to some episode. Lucy looks up and God and says, "Very funny." A white pigeon flies in through the window. Okay, so it doesn't. That did happen at my church one time, though. It wasn't when I was getting ready to hook up with some guy, however. RevCam gets up to do the Lord's Prayer. We get to hear the whole thing. The show's about praying - we get it already! RevCam tells everyone that Matt and Ruthie have "chosen to worship elsewhere this morning." He explains that Ruthie felt the need to experience God through nature and was riding a horse. People laugh appreciatively. RevCam babbles about prayer. Then he brings up Jonathan's letter and asks the congregation to say a prayer for the millions of children who've become victims of violence. He embellishes quite a bit, but I won't paraphrase it because I figure you can pray on your own, if you feel like it. RevCam asks for a moment of silence. Fade to black. Fin. What, no toll-free number to call? Oh, well.