I love how the polite WB announcer welcomes me to another night of programming. I think it's nice of them to be grateful for the viewers they get. I'm just grateful it's not RevCam welcoming me, like he used to. Maybe the powers that be realized what a turn-off that was. After a teaser that won't let us forget the fact that fab Lance Bass from 'N SYNC will be on this episode, we get right to the action. I just hope Lance doesn't feel the need to sing, though. I already have a toothache, and I don't want my ears to start bleeding too.
Simon and his little friend are in a convenience store. It's kind of weird that the show starts off immediately with a product placement: Butterfinger chocolate bars. Simon goes up to the cash register and waits for the bored teen cashier to ring up his purchase. Then he does this laidback "oh, and I need a pack of those" thing while pointing vaguely toward the cigarette display. The cashier is obviously psychic, because he knows which brand Simon wants: "Voyage," a rip-off of Vantage. No product placement there, nope. There's a bit of unwitty banter over whether the boys want regular or light cigarettes -- you know, just to show that they don't normally buy cigarettes and are nervous about it. Honestly, the clerk could not care less. Simon pays for the purchases, but as he's leaving, the clerk shouts out, "Hey!" which stops the boys in their tracks. Oh, come on, you little dork, he's not gonna ask you for ID now! The clerk just wants to know if they need matches. Simon sighs heavily and goes back to take the matches. Outside on the sidewalk, Simon's little friend says, "Man, that was too easy!"
Warning: the following scene attempts repeatedly and vainly to be funny. Lucy's pulling various foodstuffs out of the fridge. This goes on for some time, so that the writers will have less dialogue to write. Hey, they must get sick of churning out this drivel every week, right? Lucy brings the food to the table and starts holding up various sandwich-making items for Dopey, who is melodramatically sulking at the kitchen table. As Lucy holds up each item temptingly, she says its name. I realize she's trying to riff on the "Dopey stealing the family's food" joke, but I think that's kind of old. Besides, the way she's calling out all the names of the foods makes it look like she's trying to broaden his vocabulary or something. Dopey has no interest in the food, and he gets up to leave. Lucy perkily tells him she's done his laundry and folded it. Dopey ungraciously says, "Pity laundry, is that it?" He goes on to insist that just because Shana moved to New York doesn't mean she's broken up with him, and that everything will work out. Instead of dumping Matt's laundry all over his rude, uglily-coifed head, Lucy tries to remain supportive and upbeat. Mary comes in and asks Matt how he's doing. He snarls, "Put a sock in it," and walks out with his neatly folded underwear. I wait for Mary and Lucy to follow him so they can drop-kick his ass across town, but instead they just start joking about Matt and Shana's relationship not standing a chance. I stop feeling bad for Mary and Lucy for the way Dopey's treated them because they are rude enough to start in on their speculating before he is even out of earshot. That bit of zany "comedy" out of the way, Mary proceeds to pull a brown paper bag out of the fridge. Lucy tells her she can't open it because it's Ruthie's science experiment. Instead of recoiling in horror and dropping the bag like a hot potato, Mary asks if it contains anything edible. Ew! Lucy claims Mary can find out what it is by giving Ruthie a dollar. Mary chooses to remain ignorant, which is pretty much the story of her life.
Whoa, it's more wackiness! Dopey's having trouble reaching around his laundry basket to open the front door! Har-dee-har-har. RevCam's walking down the stairs. You know, recently I discovered the secret closed-captioning setting that RevCam uses to broadcast his thoughts and feelings to me, only to me. I can't tell you how to find these special RevCaptions, though, because then it wouldn't be a secret anymore. You'll just have to take my word for it. But I can tell you that as he's walking down the stairs, RevCam's thinking, "Damn, why didn't I use birth control when I had the chance!" He opens the door for Dopey and nicely asks him how he's doing. Dopey answers rudely, and when RevCam offers to be there for him if he needs to talk, Dopey says, "Dad, Shana didn't die; she went away to school. I'm fine, really." He leaves, and RevCam closes the door while thinking, "Asshole!" Ruthie runs down the stairs to tell RevCam that "Shana didn't call yesterday." RevCam pretends to care and says that he is unaware of this gossip regarding his eldest son. Ruthie helpfully offers that "sometimes kids just don't want their parents to know stuff." RevCam relates this to Ruthie's dumb-ass science experiment somehow, though there's really no connection at all.
Simon and his little friend Nigel ["What’s with the Britcom names?" -- Sars] are walking along the sidewalk, discussing Simon's revolting peach fuzz "mustache." At first I'd thought it was some really bad lighting or a patch of dirt on his face, but upon closer inspection, it is indeed facial hair. I vow to stay at least ten feet away from my TV at all times while Simon is onscreen. Simon wonders if anyone will sell them more cigarettes, and says, "I can't believe we're doing this." Nigel claims, "We have to." Ooh, the suspense! Whatever can they mean? Whatever can they mean?
The Amazing Robbie is hassling Mary about getting her parents to let them go on a real date. And is he ever pressuring her! She says, "Look, I am doing everything possible to appear to be the most responsible teenager in the world." Yuck. I can't remember ever referring to myself as a "teenager" when I was actually in my teens. Robbie looks bored as Mary tries to convince him that the CamRents like him. In walks his brother. Omigawd, it's him! It's really him! Laaaaaance! Robbie gets the fantastic idea to force his brother "Rick" to take Lucy out. That way, the CamRents will have to let them all go out on a double date. Rick and Lucy are in the same room with their respective siblings. Rick keeps telling Robbie that he can't go out with Lucy, while Lucy just has no idea what's going on. After deciding that they will proceed with their plan, Robbie and Mary hang up. When Lucy asks what's going on, Mary just says, "Never mind," and leaves. Are you thinking this is wacky and humorous? 'Cause I sure am!
RevCam is watching cartoons with Ruthie. SuperMom comes into the living room and asks if Simon and Nigel have returned from their bike ride yet. I guess the writers couldn't be bothered to pay attention to the fact that Simon and Nigel have been nowhere near a bike so far in this episode. RevCam stares pensively into space for a while before asking, "Am I a good listener?" This also has nothing to do with anything that's happened, or will happen, in this episode. I'm starting to suspect that a lazy tape editor has added a scene from an entirely different episode in order to fill space. SuperMom says, "Did you hear what I just asked you? Did you hear me when I asked you to run downstairs and get me a couple of diapers?" RevCam's secret RevCaptions tell me he's calling Annie a "bitch" right now, but he doesn't say anything out loud, just gets up to retrieve some diapers. Ruthie says she will get them instead, since she can't watch TV with all the "yakking" going on. Did I miss something? Was there a point to this scene?
Mary comes downstairs to request permission for the double date. RevCam asks if Lucy wants to go out with Rick. Lucy walks in and asks, "Who's Rick?" SuperMom fills her in, and Lucy says she knew Mary was "up to something." Mary lamely says she didn't want to ask Lucy without asking the CamRents first. I'll bet she just knew that no sane girl would want to go out with anyone so closely related to the vomity Robbie. Predictably, Lucy is not sold on the idea, especially when she hears that Rick is "nice," which I have to agree is the kiss of death when describing a blind date. She tries to weasel out of it, but Mary keeps pushing the issue, promising, "We'll go to an early movie -- straight there, straight back." SuperMom agrees, which means RevCam has to back her up. Lucy says, "Thanks for asking me," to which Mary snarksomely replies, "You weren't doing anything, were you?" Hey, Mary, great technique for soliciting favours from your sister! Since things are going her way, Mary is gracious enough to tell the CamRents that she loves them. Then she runs off, shouting, "Yes!" Now that they're alone, SuperMom tells RevCam that they have to trust Mary and Robbie sometime. RevCam says he wishes he could lock Mary away until she's twenty-one. He pretends to be kidding, but we all know he's not.
At Dopey's swinging bachelor pad, Dopey is moping around over Shana, like he has been for the past thousand episodes. John comes in with a bag of groceries. He's all excited because he invited their "beautiful female neighbours" over for dinner. Despite a notable lack of interest from Matt, John plows ahead with the contention that these women are a "perfect match" for them. "I met my perfect match," whines the Dopester, "but she just happens to be in New York." John won't be brought down, though. He defines "perfect" thusly: "One woman is white, and the other one just happens to be of the African-American persuasion." What, no interracial dating? Personally, I could not care less whether people choose to date within or outside their own race, but because this is 7th Heaven, I can't help but suspect the worst. So I'm thinking it's probably important for the show to retain the really, really conservative demographic -- you know, like those Bob Jones University people who won't let you into their school if you're dating someone from another race. But I'm just cynical that way.
Dopey tries to get out of the dinner by saying he'll be at the library. Yeah, like it's so believable that Dopey could even find the library! John's still trying to convince him to stay when the phone rings. Dopey picks up after half a ring to hear Chickenhead squawking on the other end. She's apologizing for not calling him the day before. At first Dopey tries to play it cool, but when Chickenhead says that she was out until 4 AM with friends the night before, he loses it and screams, "I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO CALL!" Chickenhead accuses him of jealousy and tries to reason with him instead of, say, dumping his loser ass right then and there. He offers a halfhearted apology, and she forgives him and asks if they're still "friends." This causes him to go off on her AGAIN about the "friends" stuff. She just reasons with him some more, tells him she loves him, and hangs up on him. Dopey experiences some technical difficulties while trying to hang up the phone.
Simon and Nigel run into SuperMom in the CamKitchen. She says she was worried about them, but Simon guiltily says they were "playing" and walks off with Nigel. A junior high kid who says he was out "playing" would probably set off my bullshit meter, just like it does for Annie. Luckily RevCam comes in to save the day. When Annie tells him that something's "not right," he offers to go snooping. He stops short of salivating at the prospect.
Upstairs, Simon and Nigel, who are obviously two of the stupidest kids ever to walk the planet, are sitting in Simon's room, with the door wide open, tossing the pack of cigarettes back and forth and bragging about buying them. There's no way they could miss RevCam skulking by the door, especially because Eric makes only a half-assed effort to hide himself. The boys start doing one of those complicated secret handshake deals, and RevCam sighs heavily. His special secret closed-captioning message to me tells me he's congratulating himself for his ultra-suave CIA-worthy spying technique, but his facial expression just tells me he's little scary when he's concerned about his kids.
After the welcome commercial break, the camera pans up past Lucy's too-tight pants so we get a really good look at her ass while she closes the door to her bedroom. She leafs through Mary's personal phone book to find Robbie's number. I'm a little disappointed that there are only two crudely drawn hearts by his name. Underneath Robbie's name, Mary has written, "Rick." Hey, I know that whenever I'm dating someone, I like to put the names of his siblings right under his in my phone book. I find it just adds that little "why the hell would you do that?" touch. Lucy dials the number and -- omigawd, it's him! It's really him! Laaaaaance! Rick picks up the phone. Lucy introduces herself and says, "I was wondering how you felt about being set up with me. Because we don't have to do this if you don't want to." In all seriousness, I really do admire her straightforward approach. Rick explains that he has a girlfriend and that he'd told her he and Lucy would be going out on a "platonic date." I have to admire Lucy again when she's compliments his honesty and says, "It's great that it's just a platonic date. I mean, it certainly takes the pressure off." I don't want to waste too much energy liking Lucy, though, because I'm sure she'll do something soon to piss me off. The word "platonic" is thrown around a few more times for ironic foreshadowing purposes, and then both parties hang up, Lucy sighing with relief.
The CamRents are setting the kitchen table for dinner, and SuperMom is saying, "I wish you had just busted them when you saw them with the cigarettes." RevCam claims things are more "interesting" this way. He launches into a dull reminiscence about the first time they used this plot line and claims that if they stop Simon and Nigel from smoking now, the boys will only want to try it later: "They want to try it. I can see it in their faces." He pulls Ruthie's science experiment out of the fridge, but Ruthie runs in and tells him not to touch it. Simon and Nigel bring the twins in and ask why they are all having dinner in the kitchen. Annie claims it's because Mary and Lucy won't be there for dinner, and RevCam adds, "Besides, it's so much more intimate. It'll give us a chance to talk." That adorable moppet Ruthie asks, "Okay, who's in trouble?" Simon and Nigel looks guiltily at each other, but Ruthie asks them to stop doing that because they're "giving [her] the creeps." Ruthie? Ruthie? Ah, never mind, that's too easy.
Back in the Bachelor Den, John is making lasagna while Dopey dances a jig. Aw, I'm just kidding. He's moping, of course. John asks him to put on a clean shirt, but the Dopey One refuses, since he's "not trying to impress anybody." John says, "I don't want the smell of your shirt to interfere with the smell of my dinner." Um, John? I think you've just "interfered" with my food intake for the entire day, all right? Dopey grudgingly agrees to put on a new shirt, though he doesn't change the T-shirt underneath, and that would be the part that smelled the worst, wouldn't it? Maybe the writers figure that hunky Lance Bass has enough testosterone to go around for this episode, and that adding a shirtless Dopey would throw us all into a tizzy. John says, "Now, how about putting on a fresh attitude to match that spiffy shirt?" Does anyone under sixty actually say stuff like that? John invokes the "best friend" argument and says he'll be extremely pissed at Dopey if he wrecks the evening. Dopey says he doesn't care, which is about what I would expect from a loser-y selfish creep loser like him. Loser.
After dinner, RevCam is helping SuperMom clean up while he fishes for compliments on his technique for trapping Simon and Nigel. Annie says, "Oh, you mean telling them that confession is good for the soul and then asking them pointed questions about smoking?" Then she busts on him for scaring the boys so much that they left the table without even finishing their dinner. I can see from the secret RevCaptions that RevCam is thinking, "Nobody gives the RevGenius his due, damn it, nobody! But they will pay. Oh, yes, they will pay." But that's just because I can tell what he's thinking; onscreen, he just sighs and turns away. Ruthie comes in and says, "Okay, I can't take it! I feel so guilty." Okay, because I can't take it, and because I'll bet you can't either, I'll gloss a little here. Ruthie confesses to breaking something of Annie's; the CamRents didn't know about this; Ruthie claims she confessed for nothing. Everyone is overly cutesy, and fun is had by none.
The doorbell rings. It's Robbie and -- omigawd, it's him! It's really him! Laaaaaance! The guys are sitting on the couch to wait for their dates. They look as comfortable as anyone would under the eagle eye of RevCam, who is staring at them intently. The long silence is broken by this exciting conversational gambit from RevCam: "So I hear you're a National Merit Finalist." Lance responds in the affirmative. Robbie praises his brother as the brains of the family, and Rick returns the compliment with, "That's not true. Robbie always made good grades until . . ." Rick trails off, and RevCam supplies the rest of the sentence: "He was arrested?" That seems to put everyone back at square one, conversation-wise. Fortunately, Mary, Lucy, and SuperMom arrive. Rick and Robbie jump to their feet eagerly. Mary introduces Rick to her mom and Lucy. Rick greets SuperMom politely and then just looks at Lucy and says, "Wow." It's definitely Rick's lucky night, because his date is decked out like a ho. Lucy is sporting a tight, black, cleavage-popping mini-dress and a slinky leopard-print blazer. She's not showing too much leg, though, thanks to her thigh-high black leather dominatrix boots. The effect is slightly marred by the fact that she forgot to take the curlers out of the top of her hair. Or at least that's what it looks like. I kind of like her outfit, actually, but there's no way in hell my mom would have ever let me out of the house in that while I was in high school. Strangely, the CamRents see nothing wrong with it. Heck, I'm not even receiving any special secret messages from RevCam about it. Annie asks if anyone wants a drink, and Robbie says, "Oh, no thanks. We don't drink." Snerk! Man, that Robbie bugs. Mary rushes them all out of there. When they're gone, Annie admonishes Eric to be a little nicer to Robbie. He just asks, "Why?" He pauses and then asks her if she needs anything from the store. SuperMom is savvy enough to know that we're about to embark on another rehash of the "Eric stalks his children" plot line that's managed to remain so fresh even after being done every episode. She asks, "How are you gonna follow Mary, Lucy, Simon, and Nigel on the same night?" He claims he can do it; she asks, "Why would you want to?" He leaves on his creepy mission, and SuperMom uses up her last brain cell to smile benevolently at him.
Simon and Nigel are hanging out in Simon's room. Simon, like the good little Camden he is, has let the guilt get to him. He says, "If we tell our parents we're investigating people who sell cigarettes to minors as a school project, they're never gonna let us keep doing it." I keep thinking that if the writers could learn not to chuck pathetically contrived plots at us, I might develop an ounce of respect for them. Come on! Even Three's Company would have been embarrassed to use material like this. The music gets all serious as Nigel asks Simon if he's "ever -- you know." It's called "smoking," Nigel. Don't make it sound like something kinky, okay? Simon and Ruthie apparently tried cigarettes once, in a show I was fortunate enough to have missed. Through a series of arguments I won't even dignify by typing, Nigel tries to get Simon to try smoking. I love Simple Simon's reply: "No, we can't. It's wrong!" ["Ironic, considering that 7th Heaven drives thousands of people around the country to start smoking each week." -- Sars]
RevCam pulls Ruthie's science experiment out of the fridge. I swear that little troll must live under the stairwell or something, because she's always around whenever someone touches her damn experiment. She convinces RevCam to give her a dollar and then gestures for him to move in closer so she can whisper to him. He argues that no one is around, but Ruthie says, "In this house? Get real!" She whispers to RevCam, and he claims to "love" her project. SuperMom comes in, and RevCam gives Ruthie another dollar to tell Annie the secret of the science experiment. Generally, I'm only so-so at predicting plot developments, but I already had Ruthie's stupid project figured out before she told Annie about it. And I'd like to be the first to tell her it blows. RevWacko hears one of the babies crying, so he offers to take the twins for a ride in the car to calm them down. Yes, it's another excuse to spy on his daughters. SuperMom starts to lecture him again on trust; RevCam says he's going to take a walk. Let's move on, shall we?
The Quartet of Dumb-Asses is down at "Flicks," waiting for the movie to begin. Mary and Robbie are making out enthusiastically, right in the middle of the theatre. Ugh. Why the producers think anyone would actually want to see Mary groping Robbie is something of a mystery to me. Rick and Lucy are sitting in front of the gropers, feeling uncomfortable. Rick tells Lucy she's not what he expected: "I thought a girl who builds houses was gonna be a big clunker -- carry a hammer or something." He rounds out this delightful compliment by adding, "If I knew girls like you worked for the Habitat Project, I'd build houses too." Lucy kind of loses my respect again, because instead of elbowing him in the groin, Lucy just thanks him politely for this dipshit "compliment." She spews some tripe about how she cut loose her last boyfriend because it was unfair that he liked her more than she liked him. Rick pretends this is charming. The lights go down, and Mary removes her jacket -- in preparation for even more strenuous groping, I presume. What's even weirder is that she chucks her jacket on top of Lucy. Rick and Lucy are rightfully disgusted and go outside to talk.
John's all excited about the impending arrival of the foxy neighbours. A knock on the door heralds their arrival. He admonishes Dopey to "look alive! Look conscious. Can you do that?" It's a stretch, John. The foxes come in, and social pleasantries are exchanged by all but Dopey. You can tell his silence is freaking the girls out a bit. One of them says nervously, "I hope we're not too early. We could smell the food all the way up on the fourth floor, and we're starving." John tries to keep the banter going. He introduces Matt, who says, "It's nice to meet you." Dopey then sits down and begins to weep. Everyone else looks on in dismay while I roll my eyes so far back into my head that I almost fall off my chair.
Outside "Flicks," Rick is saying he wishes he didn't have a girlfriend because he'd really like to kiss Lucy. She surmises that his girlfriend would not approve. Okay, we know the whole purpose of this episode is to fuel preteen fantasies of what it would be like to make out with Lance Bass. So could we move the action along, please? I've got places to go and people to see. Nope, we have to listen to more crappy dialogue along the lines of Lucy saying, "But what if I kissed you?" Lance's reply: "You mean without my knowing about it?" Lucy is confused, and Rick says, "That didn't even make sense, did it?" It sounds like a writer started writing this dialogue, realized it was stupid, but couldn't be bothered to change it. Does it matter? We're all just waiting for The Kiss, I'm sure. Lucy snuggles in closer and goes for it. After coming up for air, she and Rick go back for more. They're so busy at it that they don't even notice RevCam walking on the other side of the street. Eric pulls up short at the sight of his trampy-looking daughter making out with a guy she just met. RevCam puts on his hood, hoping to look less conspicuous. He hides behind a group of kids and then starts moving in for an even closer look. As he invades the kids' personal space, they look up at him, and RevCam starts to get an inkling that he looks like a big ol' perv. I have to turn off the special secret RevCaptions that tell me what he's thinking, because, quite frankly, it's starting to frighten me.
Simon and Nigel are in the CamGarage. Simon strikes a match, and he and Nigel start to light their cigarettes, just as SuperMom comes outside to dump the garbage. Simon and Nigel hastily fan the air, even though no cigarettes were actually lit. SuperMom goes back inside without catching them, though.
After an all-too-brief commercial respite, RevCam and Annie are arguing about the way he stalks their children. Move along, people! Nothing new or interesting to see here! Except, perhaps, Annie's assessment of Eric's mental health: "You're out of your mind. You know that, don't you?" RevCam natters on some more until he hears the door open to Simon and Nigel. Having worked up a good head of steam with his rant about his daughters, he looks ready to kick some Simon ass. He asks the boys where they've been. When they don't say anything, Annie offers that she sent them to the garage to take something there for her. The boys make a grateful escape upstairs. RevCam says, "You sent them to the garage? That's practically inviting them to light up!" Annie replies, "I choose to trust." She believes that Simon and Nigel do not smoke and that there must be some other reason they have the cigarettes. I snicker derisively. The conversation moves back to Lucy making out on her first date with Rick. Some other movie make-out incident from Lucy's past is brought to RevCam's attention. The voice of reason is provided so rarely on this show that I must make note of it when it happens. Annie says, "We have got to hope that we have raised our daughters well enough that they're not doing anything more than kissing. But I think we have to expect the kissing." RevCam's not buying it. He says he's going for another walk, but SuperMom puts a stop to that and makes him do some deep-breathing exercises or something.
Over at Dopey's swinging bachelor pad, John is the morose one for a change. He's sitting at the table, picking at his lasagna while Dopey bores the hell out of the girls with The Chickenhead Story. Except they're not bored! They're loving it! I don't know if there's a crane big enough to suspend my disbelief for this story. ["Try the crane that lifted this subplot part and parcel from Swingers" -- Sars] Yeah, okay, some chicks are sympathetic when you tell them your relationship woes, but this is unreal. The blonde is telling Dopey that because he works in a hospital -- a "life-and-death environment" -- he is "very brave." John puts things in perspective by pointing out that "it's not like he's healing the critically ill; he wears a hairnet and serves Jell-O." He tries to get the women to eat dinner, but they would rather comfort Dopey. The Dopester looks at one girl's crotch and sighs. She looks down at her jean-clad legs and asks him what's wrong. He says, "It's just that Shana used to wear jeans." Oh, God, I think I have an appointment to drive the porcelain bus.
Not that things are any less heave-inducing back at Casa Camden. Ruthie is super-perky for no discernible reason as she solicits money for her science experiment again, this time from Nigel. He pays up and tells her the project is good. Simon, for once in his life, makes a wise decision and won't fork over any money to Ruthie, claiming Nigel will tell him what it is. Nigel says he will not. Simon doesn't seem to care much. Hey, finally, I have something in common with a character from 7th Heaven!
We head back to "Flicks," where Robbie interrupts Lucy and Rick's action. How long have they been going at it anyway? At least an hour and a half, I reckon. Lucy's looking a little disheveled after her marathon make-out session. At least it's messed up those weird curls she had stuck on the top of her head before. Lucy asks where Mary is. Robbie says she "stopped by the restroom." He pauses to give Lucy the once-over, then continues with a heavily emphasized: ". . . to comb her hair." Lucy's glowing too hard to pick up on the hint. Robbie pulls Rick aside and lectures him about the formidable RevCam. Rick claims he and Lucy were "experimenting with what happens when friends kiss friends." When Robbie tries to warn him that "friends don't kiss friends," Rick responds like a billboard with, "No, friends don't let friends drive drunk." I'm assuming the only real purpose for this dialogue is to give Rick a chance to have some easy-to-memorize dialogue when he's not busy looking pretty. Mary comes out and hints that Lucy should visit the restroom "to freshen up." Lucy ignores her advice and gets up to leave. As she stands up, you can see that her hooker costume has a fairly deep slit up one thigh. Well, it can't be really deep because there's not much fabric there to work with.
Oh, yuck -- one of the foxy neighbours has started feeding Dopey some lasagna on a fork. Finally, when the other fox tells Dopey that "a girl would have to be crazy not to find a way to make a relationship work with you," John just about loses it. He's making fist-in-palm hitting motions as he asks Dopey to step outside for a moment. This leads me to hope that he'll clock the Dopester and send him flying down the stairs. No such luck. John just chews him out and tells him to leave. Inside the apartment, the phone rings, and the perky blonde answers it. It's Chickenhead on the line! Are you surprised? No, I didn't think so. Chickenhead is surprised, though, especially when the blonde asks her if she is Shana. Matt runs in and grabs the phone, which blonde girl hands over with a bubbly, "It's Shana!" Chickenhead starts clucking about the girl who answered the phone. Dopey stands around looking, uh, dopey.
The Quartet of Dumb-Asses bid their adieus at the Camdens' back door. Rick tries to get away with a handshake, but Lucy grabs him and plants her mouth on his. Mary and Robbie kiss too. Hey, Mary! Move it! You guys are blocking Lance! Gawd! As the girls walk into the house, RevCam runs to intercept them and ask them about their dates. Lucy says hers was "okay," so RevCam gets all hostile and asks, "Just okay?" When he says that everyone knows what Lucy was doing tonight, she asks if he was spying on her. RevCam, ever the loser, claims he just "happened to walk by." Mary can't stand that the conversation is not about her and Robbie so she yells a bit about the CamRents' lack of trust and then huffs up the stairs. Lucy starts to follow her but makes the mistake of turning back to say, "And you have no reason not to trust me!" This brings the conversation to Lucy's past movie make-out experience. She is saved from having to explain herself overly much when the CamRents smell cigarette smoke from upstairs.
Jeez, with RevCam breathing down their necks all night long, how stupid do Simon and Nigel have to be to light up in the house? Damn stupid, I say. They natter on for a while about their school project and the CamRents reprimand them. Trust me: it's dull. Simon does make one good observation, though, when he says that the fact that smoking is forbidden makes it more tempting. Okay, that doesn't really go anywhere, but then neither does this scene. SuperMom tells the boys they will have to trash their project and start over. How fortunate for them that Ruthie wants to sell them her science project idea. After everyone praises it, Simon reluctantly hands Ruthie a dollar. She brings her project over and asks Simon if he knows what alchemy is. "Turning ordinary substances into gold," he replies, adding that it's "not possible." Ruthie says, "Sure, it is." She pulls out some straw from the bag and hands it over to Simon, pointing out that it is straw. Thanks! She then holds up her collection of dollar bills and says, "Gold! I'm good." No, you're not, Ruthie, you suck! Especially when you do that hideous cackling laugh that's supposed to sound evil. I'll give you a dollar if you'll just SHUT UP!
Lucy's in her bedroom, combing out that horrible hairstyle, when Mary hits her over the head with a pillow and starts hassling her about making out with Rick. Mind you, she's not concerned about Lucy in any way; she's just afraid that Lucy's actions will have an impact on the CamRents' perception of Mary and Robbie. The sisters insult each other for a while, with Lucy trashing Mary for being too passionate and Mary annoyed that Lucy was making out "on a street corner." Hey, she was dressed for it, wasn't she? Sometimes I wonder if unsaid jokes like that are meant to be implied by the writers, but I really do hesitate to give them that much credit. Mary whacks Lucy a few more times with the pillow and then stalks off. Well, not that you can stalk off very far in their bedroom or anything.
RevCam and SuperMom are discussing Simon's and Nigel's punishment. Though why they would be responsible for Nigel's punishment is beyond me. It's gotta be that busybody thing again. Annie suggests fining them and assigning community service, as if they'd been caught by the police. She does suggest leniency, though, considering that the boys "were just trying to get a good grade." RevCam expresses some skepticism, but Annie asks, "What happened to trusting our kids?" RevCam says, "I don't know, maybe it's just a phase I'm going through." Annie responds with, "Maybe it's just a phase they're going through, hmm?" Honestly, I've seen Hallmark cards that give better advice than these parents do. I think I need a drink.
Mary and Lucy are discussing not being trusted. They think it blows. Mary asks, "You think I can trust Robbie?" Lucy thinks his brother is honest, though Mary points out that cheating on his girlfriend with Lucy wasn't exactly honest. Mary suggests starting an "honesty program," whatever the hell that is. Lucy says they can start out by being honest with themselves. Her big confession was that she really liked kissing Rick. That's a colossal surprise to everyone, I'm sure. But she feels guilty because she helped Rick cheat on his girlfriend. "I don't think women should do that to each other," she says. Hmm, interesting point. I suppose it's too much to ask, though, that the majority of the blame should be laid on lying-ass Rick because he's the only one who actually cheated on someone? Oh, wait, I forgot. In situations like this, it should be the woman's fault, even though Lucy has no moral obligation to Rick's girlfriend and, in fact, doesn't even know her. Thanks, writers, for clearing that up. Mary's dilemma is that she's not sure if she can trust Robbie. She says it's a "gut feeling" she's "trying really hard to ignore for now."
Robbie and Rick arrive home. A trampy-looking woman is waiting for them in her car. She starts harassing Robbie, asking if he was out with another woman. He claims he wasn't, but she doesn't trust his skanky ass any more than Mary does. Robbie tries to win her over with some of his special brand of logic. "If I was going out with another woman," he says, "you think I'd be home this early?" She's still wary, but she lets herself be led into the house.
Dopey and John are saying good night to the foxy neighbour ladies, who have invited them to dinner in their apartment the week. Man, I really hope the blonde one doesn't become Dopey's new love interest when Chickenhead dumps him. I mean, this woman is vacuous! As soon as the fine foxes leave, Dopey vaults to the phone to call Chickenhead. As the phone rings and rings, we see shots of Chickenhead's phone but no Chickenhead. We do see Dopey, and he's trying to emote. It is not a pretty sight.