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Oh my GAWD y'all I am so totally freaked about this ep! I heard Matt and Shana are gonna SHAG! I don't know if I can hang!

At the CamPound, one of the twins has slopped baby cereal all over himself. "Oh! Oh!" cries Annie, walking up with the other twin in her arms, "Not funny!" The baby looks at her like, "Uh, hello? I didn't think it was funny that you left me here to feed myself, either." One twin has a lot of hair, and the other twin doesn't. In walks Ruthie of Enigmatic Descent. Ruthie can't find her "book bag" and she doesn't remember where she last saw it. Annie, all stressed, asks if she's looked in the living room for it. Ruthie goes, "I like it better when you look." I know, I know! You're thinking she's gonna get dragged to the living room by her ear, or at least confined to her room to say Hail Marys, right? Annie just nods, though. Here comes Simon down the stairs. He wants to know where his blue shirt is. Annie wants to know if he tried the closet. "Yeah," he says, all impatiently and rudely and not-like-you'd-ever-hear-my-kid-talking-to-me-ly. Annie says it's probably still in the hamper because she didn't get a chance to do the laundry yesterday. Simon says (man, I can't believe this crap!), "What were you doing all day?" The HELL? I'm SO SURE. As a mother, this scene offends me more than any porn. I'm especially offended by Annie's weak answer, which was that she had a few other things to take care of. WHATEVER. Oh, but she does make her spooky ugly face. I don't think Simon saw it, though. Here come the Wonder Twins. They're complaining because "Brad and Robbie" haven't called them. Lucy asks her mom's opinion of this outlandish behavior. NOW Annie gets mad. She makes her super-pissed face, throws her hands up and passive-aggressifies, "Can I get back to you on that one?" (Check out that verb I invented: "passive-aggressify." Fresh, huh?) Lucy says something dumb and leaves. Mary goes, "What's for breakfast?" Annie is angry now, and she tells Mary to find something. Mary goes, "Don't you usually make breakfast?" as snottily as is possible to speak to a so-called mother. Annie says to take the cereal, make toast, get juice, and that it's not rocket science. Ooh! Put-down! Not. RevCam shows up with Ruthie's huge red "book bag," which is actually a backpack, which he found in his car. Then he asks Annie WHY it was in his car. Annie makes a super-spooky, super-ugly face and shrugs exaggeratedly instead of just saying, "I don't know and I don't care." Ruthie goes blah-blah-blah. Simon walks in again. Annie tells him, "Uh-uh! Uh-uh! You're not wearing that dirty shirt!" and he says he has to, because Dina or somebody is going to wear her blue shirt, too. Okay, but is Dina gonna stink today? I need to know so I can plan MY outfit. At this point I've had to pause my tape so as to capture this compelling dialogue for y'all. I look up and see Annie's Ultra-Pissed face. It frightens me, but at this point I can't blame her. Feel the anger flow through you, Annie. Take the light saber! A twin is crying. Ruthie says Simon should wear a dress, blah blah, no fair, she didn't know they could have cookies for dinner. Chips Ahoy pays for Mary and Lucy to stand there with a Chips Ahoy bag. RevCam starts to ask Annie why they're eating cookies. Annie makes a frighteningly goofy mime face and points to the Chips Ahoy advertisers. RevCam asks them why they're eating cookies, as the tongue-in-cheek guitar starts up. Matt bursts in and asks if anyone knows where Shana is. Now, Matt, why the hell would they know? Please. The girls shrug and proffer the cookie bag to Daddy Cam. Annie's picking up the now-clean twin as Matt bitchily tells her, "Mom? Little help, please?" "All right! That's it!" says AwakenedFromStuporMom. Please, Annie! Think of the children! She's baring her teeth. She hands the twin to RevCam, who oh-so-hilariously has a cookie hanging out of his mouth. "I need a time-out!" she tells them all. "Did you all hear that? MOMMY needs a time out!" Whoa! She's moving back and forth like a crazed cobra. She grimaces and stalks out the door. She yells "MAAAHH!" Stunned silence ensues. Sing with me now . . .

Seventh heaven!
When I see their helpless faces, rolling eyes at me
(Seventh heaven!)
I know I've got to take off because this crap is getting to me
Where can I go-o-o-o-o-o
When my kids don't treat me right?
The answer's a bar
Where they're having Ladies' Night
Seventh heaven!
Mmm, seventh heaven!
Seventh freaking heaven!

Mmm -- Little Debbie cakes. Little Debbie, take me and Annie away!

I guess Annie's time-out is over, because she's putting a twin into a crib now. Eric is putting down the other one. The twin with hair is extra frisky, so Annie pats him rather firmly on the behind. Finally she and RevCam leave the room with the baby monitor, shutting the door on their wide-awake kids. Annie's asking if Eric understands that with the new babies and his recent heart attack and her dad's Alzheimer's, it's all too much. She needs to get away for a couple of days. RevCam asks where she'll go. She says to the beach, a "place where she used to go with her parents." Aw, man. I hope this doesn't mean they had to hire someone to play Annie in flashback scenes. Eric points out that it's winter. "Yes, I KNOW it's winter, Eric. You see? That's the kind of condescension from which I need a break," says Annie. Psych! She doesn't say that. She says she knows, and that she hopes the beach will be deserted. She loves her family, but she needs to sleep and not worry about anyone else for forty-eight hours. Eric understands. He's all Mr. Cool about it. Well, he should be if they have seven kids and this is the first time she's flipped out about it. He suggests that she take Happy, the Family Dog, so she won't be totally alone. She says that's a great idea. I have to take her word for it. I wouldn't want to be worrying about dog feces on my vacation, but maybe that's just me.

At the high school, Mary and Lucy are still being pathetic. They decide that if they haven't heard from Brad and Robbie by tonight, they'll call them themselves. Oh, no, girls! Don't do it! Don't break The Rules! You'll never get diamonds now! They tell each other that "with Mom out of town" this is the perfect weekend to go out. I don't understand. Does Annie usually chaperone their dates? I thought RevCam was the one who drove around town spying on his daughters. Oh, well.

Annie is packing a big old fisherman-knit sweater, which she really shouldn't have been storing on a hanger like that. She tells RevCam that Mary and Lucy are waiting for boys to call, so he shouldn't tie up the line after they're home from school. "But I don't want them to go out with boys," says the Rev. Good call, Rev. There IS much less risk of HIV if they only date girls. I tell you, Reverend Camden's always up on his stats! Annie smirks at him until he agrees to lay off the phone.

At Casa Chicken, Matt is sitting on the hall floor looking like the kind of disturbed homeless person that Ally McBeal won't date more than three times. Shana shows up with her hands awkwardly full of boxes. Ever hear of stacking, Shana? She thought Matt was working today. Matt took the weekend off so he could help her pack for New York. Aww! What a kind stalker! He's been trying to call her since 6 AM. "Oh, I'm sorry," says Shana not-at-all-sorrily. "I left early to get boxes and stuff." I wonder what "and stuff" means. Could it be something like, "Oh, I'm sorry, I left early to get boxes and a tattoo that says 'Johnny'"? I guess we'll never know. There's some ridiculous blather about Matt helping in the morning, as opposed to whatever time it is now. Matt is showing his control-freak side. He agrees to help her at the current time, though, and they go into her apartment.

Annie's doing something with kids' clothing while RevCam sits on the dryer and watches her like a worthless clod. She continues doing the "I know way more about our kids than you do so I have to give you all these instructions" shtick. She asks Eric not to crush Matt's dream, which will be that a long-distance relationship with Shana can really work. Eric absorbs this like a Christian sponge as Annie slams laundry into his lap.

At the junior high or wherever, Dina is bitching Simon out for not wearing the blue shirt. She says that if he really cared about her, he would have washed it himself the night before. Word, Dina! You tell him, girl! Don't let your man be not wearing the matchin' shirt! Simon apologizes. Dina totally ranks on him thusly, "You're thirteen. You can wash your own clothes." She decides that he must not care enough about her to do it, so she huffs away, leaving Simon all dumbfounded and everything.

Annie is still giving Eric instructions, this time about Simon, Dina, and the troublesome new phase their relationship is entering. Okay, whatever.

At Roosevelt Elementary, Ruthie is waiting outside a door. A woman emerges from said door and asks if Ruthie's ready to apologize for pulling Doug's hair and saying that Doug cries like a girl. Ruthie thinks she's precocious. The woman says, "So you're not going apologize [sic]?" I think it's rather lame that they couldn't even let the extra get all her words in. What, did they save a dollar on this scene or something? Ruthie's too bratty to apologize and suggests they expel her. Then Ruthie asks if they can hurry it up, because she has someplace to be. Ruthie, shut up now.

Annie's almost out the door. She tells Rev that Ruthie's going to try to go with her, so he can expect a call from the school soon. The twins blah, the laundry blah blah. Eric recaps all the advice she's given him. She asks about his sermon. He hasn't had time to write one, but he'll wing it. Okay, she'll call him when she gets there. Smooch. Bye, Annie. Have fun. Try to resist taking off and living on your own for a year like that woman did in that Anne Tyler novel. Annie's gone. The phone rings. "Ring!" it says. RevCam answers. "Hello? [Nano-second-long pause, then] Ruthie did WHAT?" The "take our word for it, this is family-values-ly hilarious" music plays. Annie comes back in because she forgot Happy. Happy follows her out. Eric tells her everything's fine and rolls his eyes at the phone as she's gone again.

It's later. Mary and Lucy are pacing their room. Lucy crosses her arms under the deep vee of her leopard-print top, showing us her teen cleavage. Mary's funky red sleeveless top stretches tightly over the bustal portion of her semi-sheer white long-sleeved tee. Okay, maybe it's only Satan causing me to think such a thing -- but has anyone ever noticed that they always show the girls from thighs up, so that their breasts are right in the middle of the shot? The boys are usually shown chest-up, so that their heads are in the center of my screen, I believe. I'm no prude, but I tend to get confused. Is pride in one's body a family value? Of course I'm asking, specifically, about pride in the front of one's pubescent female body. Someone who understands these things, please e-mail and let me know. The phone rings. It's Andrew Blahblah. "The girly man?" Mary asks. Hey, Mary, maybe you could wait until after Lucy hangs up with the girly man, huh? Andrew is apparently asking Lucy for a date. Lucy declines, claiming she has to care for the twins. When she hangs up, Mary asks why she lied; Lucy says it's because she might want to go out with him if Brad doesn't call. "I'm really rubbing off on you, aren't I?" asks Mary. Well, it's good to know that it's nurture and not nature in the case of these sisters from Venus. The phone rings again. Mary rolls her eyes because it's Annie calling from "Ocean Side Motel." Annie just wants Mary to tell RevCam that she made it okay. Mary doesn't care as she says bye. Above Annie's hotel bed there's a long poster or print of a mountain-scape emblazoned with "California." Plus, there appears to be a kitchenette of sorts. Either that, or Annie brought along her own cups and pitchers and things so as not to feel too out of her element. At any rate, I assume she called ahead and found out that this place lets patrons bring their dogs along, because Happy's sitting there eavesdropping.

Ruthie runs in, only to have missed the call. Lucy tells her to go and tell Daddy Cam that Mommy Cam's okay. Ruthie's all disappointed about not talking to her mom. She says "Blah blah blah!" and sulks away. Simon yells out for the girls to get off the phone, because Dina might call. "Oh, yeah! You need to know what to wear to bed tonight, right?" yells Lucy. Ha. Cold-blooded, Lucy. "That's not FUNNY," Simon whines. "Yes it is!" calls Mary. Simon turns to see RevCam coming down the hall with both babies in his arms. How come last episode everyone exCEPT the parents was taking care of the twins, and now no one wants to do jack? Huh? Huh? Where's the love? Ruthie stomps by, telling RevCam, "Your WIFE called." Then she gets to her room and slams the door. Shut the freak up, Ruthie. Simon and his dad discuss Dina and the Blue Shirt Incident. RevCam can't think of anything suitably smarmy to say, so Simon gets pissed and takes off.

Annie opens the shade and scopes out the sunset. She runs through a few of the grimaces in her repertoire, then turns to Happy. "We'll miss them tomorrow [pronounced the Canadian way], but tonight . . ." I'm waiting. Tonight what? Was Annie the one who bid highest for the Hello Kitty vibrator on eBay? (Tee hee. Just kidding. Just a little housewife humor there.) "Tonight, we sleep," she finishes. Yeah, I think I'm fixing to go to sleep, myself. When are Matt and Shana gonna shag, dang it?

Matt's packing books into a box while Shana packs CDs. Shana's yakking about how NYU's buildings are spread all over the city. Oh, and her academic advisor got her a job in some med lab, and she's so psyched, and blah blah -- but Matt's too selfish to care. I think he's peeved because he wanted to be the only one mopping at a hospital. He slumps on the couch. Shana pops up with her patronizing smile and joins him. "I can love New York and still hate being there without you," she oozes. Shana, please don't wear bright blue with olive green anymore. They kiss audibly, with several head pumps. I swear it doesn't last for more than two seconds, but Shana breaks away and squints concernedly as she says, "What are we doing?" It's called "grossing out the audience," Shana. Matt feathers his fingers against her jaw, making me clench mine sympathetically. "I just wanna be close to you, that's all," he says. Matt, please cut your hair, then shave your sideburns, then wash your whole head really well. "How close?" says Shana. Matt gives a toothpaste-commercial grin and says, "This close." He kisses her, this time reaching under her hair and palming the back of her head. She puts her arm around him and they lie back on the couch a little. Kiss, kiss, head pump, head pump. Piano, commercial.

Hey, that guy from Wendy's took a bunch of his hamburgers over to England. Man, those people talk so weird. Yet they still like the same food we do. I'm going to Wendy's tonight.

It's the morning, and Reverend Camden is a total failure. Even though he works from home most of the time, he has no idea how to do anything in the kitchen without making a huge freaking mess. There's a pancake on the baby's head. Maybe there are people laughing out there, somewhere. All I know is that if a woman got caught in a sty like that, someone would be calling Social Services on her ass. Oh, but it's so CUTE when men can't take care of their kids, isn't it? Calgon, take me away, and not to the Ocean Side Motel, either. Annie calls. She misses them. Eric's telling her everything's under control. Ruthie will call Annie when she gets out of the bathroom. Annie asks if Robbie called Mary. Nope. She asks if Mary called him. RevCam doesn't know because he's "a little busy running the house to keep track of phone calls [sic]." Yeah, Eric, and that's why you're not a SUPER MOM. You men will never be able to fry up the bacon in the pan while keeping tabs on your children's hearts like we women do! That's why you make the dollar to our seventy cents! HA! The joke's on you! RevCam is unable to remember what happened between Simon and Dina, and he forgot to call and check up on Matt. He says he'll call Matt right now. He loves Annie. She loves him, too. She smiles and then slams the phone down pretty hard. Try to have a life for a while, Annie.

RevCam oh-so-comically dials the phone, then hangs up on Matt and John's answering machine. Mary and Lucy walk in and RevCam asks them to clean the kitchen while he cleans the twins. There's some funny, heart-warming dialogue here, but it wasn't funny or heartwarming enough for me to actually type it out or anything. Rev and the twins leave. Mary tells Lucy that she's not calling Robbie. Lucy says she thought they agreed that Lucy would call Robbie for Mary and Mary would call Brad for Lucy. Lucy! Ethel's calling Ricky! You call Fred! Lucy has VBL (Visible Bra Lines.) Mary's wearing a bandanna on her head like she doesn't look stupid or something. She says that if calling on Friday reeks of desperation, then calling on Saturday just reeks. Girls, GIRLS! If your gentlemen friends didn't call you before Wednesday, you should have turned on the answering machine and pretended to be out swing dancing on Friday night! Mary tells Lucy to face it -- they're not going anywhere this weekend. Oh, those poor girls! They must have that rare disease -- you know, the one that keeps you from being able to leave the house without a boy? Either that or they're ashamed to be seen with each other in public. I can't say that I'd blame them. The phone rings and they jump for it like desperate dogs, which is just SO, SO FUNNY. You 7th Heaven writers, you really do convey the absurdities of teenage-girl life while still setting a good example, don't you? Mary answers and then is bugged that it's Brad. "Yes!" hisses Lucy. Hey, maybe they can have a Jell-O fight a little later! We see Brad asking if Lucy's mad that he didn't call. Whoa. Brad is kind of hot. Hey, he's that boy from that band, isn't he? Is that one of those boys from 'N Sync or whichever? I think I heard something about that. I don't think it is, though, because this boy has natural hair and normal clothes on. Don't all the boys in those boy bands use bleach? Lucy plays it off like she didn't remember Brad promising to call. Brad has a motorcycle poster on his wall.

Mary has gone into the hall to fume. Simon shows up and barks, "Who's on the phone?" "Not Robbie," says Loser Mary. "Well, just stay off the phone, okay?" Simon bellows. Whatever. Like any self-respecting chick would take that from a younger brother. Mary tells Simon he should just call Dina. Then she starts flaking out on some diatribe about girls and how they always sit at home waiting for their stupid boyfriends to call. She meant to say "some girls," I think. This goes on too long, and then Mary yells "MEN!" Please shut up, Mary. She leaves. Simon says to the space in front of him, "Why is it that women can never admit when they're wrong?" We see Ruthie in her animal-print bathrobe, with a huge blue towel on her head, saying, "Beats me, lover boy," in a cute-not, angry way. Ruthie, I'm not going to tell you again. She takes off before I can tell her to shut up. we see a close-up of a shirtless twin ambling into the hall. (It's the follically-challenged one.) Aw! He's so cute. RUN, LITTLE BOY! ESCAPE WHILE YOU STILL CAN!

RevCam is drying the other twin; he's wearing his bathrobe over his clothes. He comes out of the bathroom and gets to hear Simon ask some stupid, sexist, rhetorical question. He tells Simon to help him dress the twins and that they'll discuss Dina afterwards. Simon says, "No, thanks," and hands a the other naked baby to his dad. Okay, well, thanks for nothing, Simon, you little ingrate. Simon goes into the kitchen as Lucy comes out and announces that she has a date with Brad, "the adorable hunk" she went out with last week. Lucy, I don't want to hear that, so I doubt your dad does. The word "hunk" makes me ill. It makes me think of Bill Bixby. She runs off while RevCam's yelling that he wants to hear all about Brad. Rev mutters to the twins that he doesn't care about Brad, but he does care about Lucy. The twins are very cute. I hope someone's saving their paychecks and investing them wisely. I hope they won't be too traumatized because their parents made them appear on this show. Brat -- oops, I mean Ruthie shows up fully dressed and says, "Did your wife call?" She's all pissy about missing another call from Annie. Who cares? Mary walks by and doesn't respond to RevCam yelling, "Hey, there!" at her. Okay, okay, we get it. He's humorously befuddled without his wife. WE GET IT, DAMMIT. The phone rings. Mary, Simon, and RevCam each pick up an extension. "Hey, it's me!" says Matt. Mary grunts fiercely and slams down her phone. Simon sighs and hangs up his. "Hello?" says Matt, the Bird Who Would Not Leave The Nest. RevCam asks how the packing went. Matt quickly explains that if RevCam called him that morning, he didn't answer because he woke up really, really early to help Shana. We know, however, that he spent the night at Shana's because he's wearing the same sweatshirt and his hair is dirtier than ever. He repeats his alibi over and over, causing RevCam to squint. Shana walks up to him and whispers, "Stop saying that or he's going to know that you slept over." Shana's wearing this stale white night-thingy with black dots and trim, under a black robe. Matt eventually hangs up and tells her he thought his lie went well. We see RevCam musing and saying "nah" to himself. "He wouldn't. And even if he would, she wouldn't. They wouldn't, would they?" The hair-having twin smiles as if to say, "Of course they didn't, Dad. This is just a ploy to keep the more gullible viewers in suspense." RevCam goes off to get the kids some clothes.

Can I get a commercial? Sigh. Lucy does laundry. Mary and Ruthie sulk in the living room. Simon joins them. RevCam asks Lucy to watch the twins while he takes a shower. She chirps "sure" and he speculates that her chipper 'tude is because of her date with Chad. Lucy rolls her eyes in a demonically-possessed-looking way and says, "Yeah. It's Chad." But guess what, Lucy? No one cares, so shut up. She walks into the nursery and sees that the Hair Club For Babies twin has dumped baby powder and other stuff all over the floor. Oh, I see. He's left a box of powder in each crib. I guess they figured that was easier than using the same one for both kids. Public Service Announcement from Gwen, who has three kids and not seven, but still: Do not put baby powder or lotion or anything else in your babies' diapers. Baby powder is a breeding ground for the bacteria that cause diaper rash. Keep your babies clean and dry, not powdery or slimy. If you do this, they will never get diaper rash. Well, they won't unless they get diarrhea, but even then, don't powder them -- just wash them with mild soap and water, dry them gently and thoroughly, and the rash will go away within a day. You're welcome. Lucy decides to take the kids to her room and leave the mess for her dad to clean up.

RevCam walks into the living room and starts trying to throw a guilt trip about the lack of clean towels. His kids ignore him. He says something almost-funny about trying a shower without a towel and "thinking outside the box." He goes on to say that there was no more hot water. Mary brilliantly but lackadaisically concludes that the water heater's empty. RevCam suggests that they all pitch in and clean up. None of them is in the mood. Instead of saying, "Uh, I didn't ask if you were in the mood. I asked you to clean up. Now I'm TELLING you. Get your butts off the couch, and clean this house up NOW," he plops down on the couch and cranks on the TV. I hope he's not going to watch Brutally Normal, because I made the mistake of watching it and it really sucked. It was like Parker Lewis Can't Lose taken over by David E. Kelley or something.

Annie and Happy sit on the beach to what looks like a big clod of sand-colored animal manure. SuperMom's telling Happy that it's wonderful to get away and be alone and blah blah. Then she starts crying. She cries and chokes Happy. I wonder why she's crying. I wonder if the writers read my recent journal entry about needing to cry once in a while. If they did, I'm not going to take credit for the result.

Is that Selma Blair on this new show called Zoe? Hmm. The show almost looks funny. Then again, I always laugh at stupid commercials while I'm recapping 7th Heaven. It's all relative, you know.

Annie bawls. Some woman walks up and says that RevCam called the front desk looking for her, but that everything's okay. The woman introduces herself as Hattie and asks if everything's okay. Annie says she's just a little tired. Hattie sits down without being asked and opines that taking care of a husband and a little girl will make you tired. Annie tells Hattie that she has seven kids, and Happy barks to remind Annie that she has a dog, and to make me puke a little. Hattie says Annie must be exhausted. Annie starts telling Hattie all this personal info about Eric's heart and Mary's gym-TP-ing and her dad. She doesn't know if she can keep it in anymore. "Then don't," says Hattie. "Just let it all go." Annie starts bawling again and Hattie hugs her. That was nice of Hattie, I suppose.

Matt comes out of Shana's shower in one of her t-shirts and his same olive pants. "Ooh! The teeny-tiny-shirt look is HOT!" says Shana. Shut up, Shana. They start kissing. Then Shana jerks away again and says she needs to pack and blah blah blah. Matt starts getting all morose about her leaving again. Shana gets mad and says he should go home and change his clothes and his attitude; this isn't easy for her and he's making it less so. He says he'll go home and change, but he's coming back. Whatever.

The Mom-less Camdens are slumped all over their living room watching Charlie Chaplin. Rev asks if Ruthie wants to try calling Annie again and Ruthie replies, "Blah-blah whiny blah!" Mary tells her to stop being mad at Mom because Mom deserves to get away. Ruthie tells Mary she should stop being mad at Robbie, then, because he deserves to get away from her. Simon snickers. Mary mentions Dina by way of dissing him. RevCam says "all right" as if he kind of gives a crap, and Ruthie tells them to quit their whining. Meanwhile, Lucy's in her room holding up dresses to herself at the mirror and then throwing them on the floor. Women! We're all the same! RevCam tells the others they need to clean up the house before Annie gets home. Mary suggests waiting until the day, and he relents. Then Ruthie wants to stuff her face, and Eric suggests ice cream for lunch. Simon opts for potato chips straight from the bag. He's wearing too much pink eye shadow. Mary will eat peanut butter straight from the jar. RevCam realizes that he's expected to get up and serve the junk food. Ruthie tells him to make it snappy because her "tummy's making noises." Yeah, kid, and so's your pie hole. Shut it. Lucy decided on a little black piece of skankery. She kicked over some clothes on the floor and discovers that the phone's been under them, off the hook for a while. She goes downstairs and sees her family in their slothful state. Simon product-places some Sunkist soda. They're all watching one of those old cartoons with the silent anthropomorphized chickens. The scene ends abruptly. Or maybe Ruthie said something funny. I couldn't be sure. Oh, and RevCam offers Lucy a banana. I'm not going to say anything about that because I've probably already disgusted y'all enough with my inappropriate comments by now.

Back at the Ocean Side Motel, Annie and Hattie are sharing dinner at a huge table. I don't want to be a crybaby, but will this show never end? I'm worried because they've only just now introduced the tertiary character of the week. That must mean that there's more than half an hour to go. I feel like I've been watching for days already, though. Help! Somebody help me, please! Call the writers and tell them to quit disturbing the space-time continuum! Okay, so now I see that there's a hot plate or a Bunsen burner or something at the table, and Hattie's using it to fry something. Annie tells her that the CamPhone was off the hook and that's why she couldn't get through earlier, but she talked to Eric and everything's fine. Annie's hair looks like a bi-level mushroom. She discusses her guilt about leaving and then she says that her family seemed happy. Hattie offers her more wine.

Ruthie and the other brats are making Easy Cheese sandwiches in front of the TV. The doorbell rings. Lucy comes halfway down the stairs, looking like a Vegas cocktail waitress, and asks if someone could answer the door. Simon tells her to do it herself. Lucy answers the door. It's Dina. She tells Simon that she's been calling all day and that the phone was either busy or no one answered. Then she takes offense and asks if Simon didn't even bother to call her, when he's been doing nothing all day. Simon says, "Yeah." I guess he doesn't really care about Dina and the blue shirts, after all. The doorbell sounds again. Lucy has put on an ugly coat and she runs over again. It's Brad in black leather. She won't let him in because the house is so filthy. She says they're remodeling. She yells to her dad that she's leaving. He starts to waylay her, but she gives him the eye-roll. He tells her to be home by curfew and she peels out. Hey, Reverend Camden, Brad has an upside-down cross tattooed on his forehead. Ha. Made you look! Oh, wait -- he didn't even look. Forget it. Brad grins like a possum as he and Lucy go. RevCam invites Dina to join the family. She says no because her dad's waiting for her in the car. She tells Simon, "Aren't you even going to walk me to the door?" She's wearing an ugly beige corduroy jacket and a nasty pink t-shirt. Simon says, of the door, that it's "three feet away." His dad gestures to him and he grudgingly gets up to show out his alleged girlfriend.

Apparently, Hattie only sat at the table long enough to fry whatever she was frying for Annie. She hands her a plate and says she'd better get home. Annie is all clingy, asking Hattie to stay. Hattie has no one to get home to, so she can stay as long as Annie likes. Okay. Maybe they'll fall in love or something. No, actually, I think this scene was just to help fill out the hour.

Brad has taken Lucy to a theater called "Flicks" which is showing something with a title that includes the word "alibi." Gee, they must have a pretty strict dress code at the cinemas over there, seeing as how Lucy wore an evening gown and all. Maybe her pimp-ish coat pulls it down into casual wear, though. Lucy and Brad get in line. Some guy walks up and says hello to Lucy. Oh, dang. It's Andrew "Girly Man" BlahBlah. Lucy doesn't even seem ashamed. She makes this face like, "Okay, you caught me. I stole a pen from my bank," and introduces Brad to him. Andrew doesn't even look girly to me. Oh, wait -- is he that boy who went on the date with Lucy earlier this season, and she had to drive him around and the whole thing was, like, totally gender-bending? (Not?) If so, he should go find a nicer person with whom to see movies. At least he's not a loser like Lucy, though. He has no fear of going out alone. Andrew starts asking about her being on a date. She is rude, telling him it's none of his business and that she just changed her mind. I'm just about to call Andrew and ask him out myself, when suddenly he flakes. He asks how Lucy could take Brad to the theater where they had their own first date. He says it's "sacred ground" Dude. Shut up. Lucy has to tell him that it's not even the same theater. "Oh," says Andrew. "Well, I'm still hurt!" There you go. Ha. Andrew decides to go into the theater and make Lucy care. Yeah, because Lucy's such a groovy person, I'm sure guys have to fight over her all the time. She's not a liar or anything. Oh, and she just made me over-boil my tea water. Bitch.

Matt shows up at Shana's with take-out and a paper hat. Shana waxes nostalgic about the way they met. Matt takes off the paper hat and kisses her. I wish he'd left it on because his hair looks like Wednesday Addams. Shana starts freaking and says they should say goodbye now while everything's "perfect." She says she doesn't have a couch for him to sleep on. I guess she had it shipped to New York. He doesn't care. He'll sleep on the floor. He can't say goodbye yet. She tells him to do it anyway and that she'll call him from New York the day. He whines a little more, then relents. They hug. He's teary-eyed. They whisper goodbye and the door is shut on his sad-sack face. Every time I see Shana's mole I think of John Boy Walton.

Someone tell me -- for real -- what does Jennifer Love Hewitt have going for her besides the breasts? I mean, I guess her naïveté would attract the secret pedophiles, but besides that . . . ?

Matt walks in the CamPound back door and asks RevCam if he's been drinking. Heh. Matt can't believe the house is such a mess. The talk turns serious and RevCam guesses that Matt spent the night at Shana's. He also guesses that Matt slept on the couch. They do the manly slap/hug and Matt tells his dad that Annie's going to kill RevCam when she gets home and sees the mess.

Annie and Hattie are laughing and talking late into the night. Annie says that's the first time she's talked about her mom without crying. Then she moans a bit about Eric's heart attack. Then Hattie tells her some clichés about death. It's fortunate for Annie that Hattie's bored enough to deal with her. Hattie follows up with truisms about taking care of oneself in order to take care of others. They toast to "taking a break."

The babies are trying to sleep, but Ruthie's in their room babbling at them. She says, "I can't explain it. I just like you better when Mom's not here." Ruthie, for the love of Little Debbie, shut the hell up. They're cute, and you're not. Get over it. She tells them that if they need anything, not to be afraid to cry, and she'll come running. This would've been cute coming from anyone but her. The poor, cute babies are tainted when Ruthie kisses her fingers and touches their heads. I swear, they're so cute. I'm starting to think about having another one. Should I? Oh, you know what I'll do? I'll go to my regular Internet bulletin boards and ask everyone to vote on it. ["Go for it, I say. You can name it 'Camden,' a nice unisex name and also a tribute to your inspiration for having another baby." -- Sars] RevCam was eavesdropping in the hall. He starts analyzing her jealousy of the twins. She says she loves them but doesn't want anyone to know. She asks RevCam if they can stay up all night. He says he has to so he can write his sermon. She says something cute-not about the sermon putting them all to sleep.

Matt is hanging with Mary in her room, remarking on the mess. He asks if Robbie called and she peevishly says no. He suggests that Robbie's taking a break. The subject turns to Matt taking a break from saying goodbye to Shana. This episode should've been titled "Taking A Break." Mary thinks it's going to work out for them. I doubt it will, but then again, I don't care. Matt says the same about her and Robbie. They pretend to look for Lucy under piles of clothes. Hardy freaking har.

Andrew approaches Lucy in the lobby of the theater. She immediately says, "Brad's in the restroom and he's the jealous type, so maybe you should just run along." Yeah, Andrew. Don't be barging into the restroom and horning in on Lucy's action. Andrew tells Lucy that she and Brad have no chemistry. Lucy fake-laughs, "And there's chemistry between us?" Suave Andrew replies, "My porch. Our lips. Remember?" She rolls her eyes and he continues, "I know you do, 'cause I can't get that kiss out of my mind." She tells him he's crazy. He grips her head and kisses her. Then he says "see ya" and peels out. Brad emerges from the men's and asks Lucy if she's ready to go. "Kiss me," says Loose-y. He quickly pecks her on the mouth and asks if he can go to her house tomorrow. She thinks they need to take a break. D'oh.

Simon calls Dina and apologizes. You know why he didn't call her earlier? Because he needed a break, silly! He'll wear his blue shirt on Monday.

Matt has joined the sloths in the living room. Lucy trips in and RevCam monotones, "How was your date with Chad?" "It's Brad," butts in Mary. Ruthie's asleep. Lucy says her dad can call him Chad if he wants. The phone rings. It's Annie and she misses Eric. She's wearing a big black window-pane plaid robe in her hotel bed. RevCam passes the phone to Matt so the kids can all say goodnight to their mom all smarmy and Waltons-y. Matt says goodnight and that he loves her. Simon says goodnight. Mary loves Annie. Lucy wants her to sleep well. Ruthie mumbles, "Goodnight, Mommy," like a little brat. Annie makes gross kissy noises. Eric says sweet dreams, he misses her, blah blah. They hang up. Matt cackles. The others laugh. Matt says the parents make them sick. They pummel their dad with pillows. Too bad I wasn't there for that one.

Annie's checking out and thanking the proprietor guy. She asks if Hattie's around so she can thank her and say bye. You know what happens , don't you? The guys goes, "Hattie who?" There's no Hattie working there. Annie's putting her junk in the mini-van when she sees Hattie limping across the beach. She runs up and says, "Blah blah blah I thought you were an angel!" Hattie explains that her boss doesn't call her Hattie, that that's just a family nickname, and she's no angel. "But what about the phone message?" asks Annie. Huh? What about it? Hattie says she was passing on the phone message because the manager told her to. Then she says some crap about angels, friends, and family all being the same thing. Happy barks. Annie says, "But I thought you were Della Reese!" Hattie says, "No, honey -- she's a token African-American character. I'm only a tertiary character that you'll never see again." Just kidding. Annie and Hattie hug. Whatever. The end.

week: Mary tries to set up Lucy with some guy. Oh, THAT'S the guy from' N Sync. His name is allegedly Lance Bass. Yeah, I'm so sure. RevCam spies on them, sees them kissing, and complains about it to Annie. Woo hoo, Cate! I envy your recapping this one because it looks like hilarity hijinks a-plenty to me.