I hope you watched this episode with your entire family. I didn't, and now I regret it because it would have been a good chance to teach my kids how to "huff." Huffing is what people in Camden Land call sniffing, or inhaling. I learned that from the 7th Heaven announcer. I also learned that one in five kids will try huffing to get high. That surprised me, because when I was growing up in the '70s in a safety-disabled neighborhood, sniffing was pretty popular. Even then, though, I wouldn't have guessed that one in five kids did it. These days I'd estimate that one in five kids in that neighborhood smoke crack. It makes me feel really bad for them. I hope they saw the show Monday night, because they should really try to stay on top of the trends -- nothing's sadder than a passé junkie. But I digress.
The episode starts off with Annie feeding the twins some baby food in the kitchen. Matt runs in and starts dogging out on the food that she unwisely left on the counter. He's all "good morning." She asks if he's in a hurry. He says he's on break from his hospital-cafeteria job. He doesn't want to eat at the cafeteria, and there's "nothin' like home cooking." While he's saying this, a little hunk falls off of his muffin or whatever. Way to make a mess for your mom to clean up, freeloader. RevCam shows up and says, "Ah, feeding time," all hilariously and stuff. Matt swigs down his juice and then puts the glass into RevCam's hand and peels out. That kind of made me laugh, but only because I don't like RevCam. If it had happened to a not-annoying father, I would have rolled my eyes. RevCam says he sure misses Matt. Then he says "Not!" or, actually, that he would miss him if Matt ever stayed away long enough to make that possible. Hardy har. No empty-nest syndrome for the CamRents. Their nest is full and they've gotta gather worms. StuporMom says Matt and John are doing well on their own. RevCam points out that they're not on their own -- they merely have a hut that they use to entertain women. Annie gets this totally freaked look on her face and denies that they're entertaining women. I guess Matt fooled her with the hair. Annie, you shouldn't believe in stereotypes. Straight guys can have long hair, too. Get with the program! So Annie thinks Matt and Shana are too busy working and studying to entertain each other. She forgot about the whining. RevCam thinks that they "make time for the important things." Annie wants to know if he thinks Dopey and Chickenhead are seeing too much of each other. RevCam just eats his muffin. (Hush.) Annie thinks he knows some secret and that's why he's not being all sanctimonious. In walks Ruthie with a lump of clay. "It's my art project!" she announces. StuporMom says, really condescendingly, "It's not your art project. It's what you're doing while you decide what you really wanna do for an art project." RevCam asks what it is and Ruthie explains that it's a sculpture of her nose while she smashes her nose into it. Annie disses her again with, "It's an impression of your nose. And what happened to you getting Simon to help you last night?" Annie is making a really bitchy face at her daughter. I don't care much for Ruthie, either, but I like to think that I'd try to hide that fact if she were my child. Ruthie says that the Artist Formerly Known as Simon (oh, ha, ha) was busy writing his stupid paper. That's Simple Simon's cue to enter and say his stupid paper was a work of art. Annie has a smile for him, because she likes him, I guess. I guess she appreciates him taking Ruthie off her hands so often. Lucy bops in and tells her mom that Mary's on the phone. Lucy's hair is upswept into a sloppy pile on the top of her head. I actually think it flatters her, though -- comparatively.
Mary's sitting on the floor in her room, the way you do when you're telephoning someone you'd like to get it on with. "So what are you in for?" she's asking. "Yeah, I fell into a bad crowd, too. The girl's basketball team. [Snort.] No, I'm not kidding." See, you know she has a crush on this person because she's making that inane crush-talk. She hurries off the phone, telling the boy that she'll see him that afternoon. She grabs her stuff and opens the door to see her parents with the twins. They start telling her what they have to do and who's gonna drive who where, and then RevCam un-casually asks, "Important call?" Mary brilliantly replies, "What?" Then we get a shot of Annie's super-pissed-off face as she asks, "Who was on the phone?" Freaking chill out, Annie. We know you love your sons more than your daughters like any good doormat of a mother would, but try to play it down, can't you? Mary says it was just a friend, and RevCam reminds her that she's "on restriction" and she says she knows and that she "told him," and then she goes to haul the kids to school. Annie still looks overly angry and she asks Rev if he thinks Mary's telling the truth. "The whole truth, nothing but the truth? Nah," says he. Whatever. Like, what -- are they thinking Mary's secretly engaged to this dude? I feel bad for the Camdens that they have to make such big issues out of the tiniest things. Maybe if they took a swing-dancing class and had themselves sterilized, they could lighten up a little.
As the credits roll, I wonder why the entrance to the girls' room looks like a closet. And how much does Eric make as a minister, anyway, that he has such a closet-filled house and a stay-at-home wife? He must serve at one of those ritzy churches where the cops show up every Sunday to direct traffic so the richie Christians can file out onto the main street and make all the heathens wait longer to get to the boat ramp. No wonder I dislike him. It's hot and my kids want to swim! Why don't you people stick to going to church on Christmas and Easter like everyone else? Sheesh.
I want a password journal for Christmas so I can say "Girls rule!" into it and it can open and I can put in a piece of paper that says, "My husband is a bitch!" and no one will know.
A perky guitar plays Simon through his school's front lawn as he jovially interacts with several fellow students and works their nerves. He meets a Ms. Jasper on the steps and brown-noses her half to death as he hands in his paper. It turns out that he only has an 89 in her class and wants extra credit. She tells him he can help the "visual arts guys" work on some "holiday mural" after school. I'm not totally sure, but I'm pretty sure that Ms. Jasper is the newly-blonde Beulah Balbricker of the movie Porky's. I wonder if Simon's school has girls' showers with very thin, hole-filled walls.
At Roosevelt School, Ruthie is showing her art teacher the lump of clay that was a nose before she stepped on it. Haw. And hey, weird. I went to Roosevelt Elementary, too! But we didn't huff there. I think a few kids smoked pot, but that was it. Ruthie's art teacher flakily talks about "the muse" while acting like Ruthie's little cue-card comments are precocious.
Mary runs up to Lucy at her locker and says she has something to tell her. Lucy doesn't want to know. C'mon, Lucy! Mary has to share this with someone! She apparently has no friends, so let her share it with you! Lucy in her '80s-looking black-and-gray high-collared blouse says she'll listen if the something is really nothing, but that if it's SOMETHING, she doesn't want to hear about it. "Okay, fine," says Mary, who takes off as the guitar plays its "oh, these sweetly funny youths" riff.
At the college, I guess, Matt and Shana sit on a park bench. Shana is wearing a fuchsia tech vest, I think, and she's grossed out by the hospital-cafeteria sandwich Matt has brought her. Life is hard when you have no family to mooch off of and you're relying on your boyfriend to steal stuff from his work. Shana is a pretty enough person, I suppose, but she really does look a lot older than Matt. Maybe it's the smoky eye shadow or the red blush she wears. Maybe it's the wrinkles in the corners of her eyes that contrast with Matt's crow's-feet-less face as the two of them kiss in super-duper close-up. It's hard to say for certain.
Simon approaches the scene of the mural and greets the visual arts guys. The mural, so far, is a charcoaled drawing of a bunch of trees. Not Christmas trees, either. The visual arts guys have paint smeared all over their faces, as well as major attitude. One of the boys tells Simon he can help by washing out the buckets and brushes. The others laugh all Eddie-Haskell style. Simon goes, "Great, this is gonna be fun." The psycho-est looking little boy turns and tells him that the real fun (you know -- the HUFFING) comes later. His cronies nudge him and he shuts up. Simon leaves and one of the boys snorts and says, "What do you wanna bet Camden's a spy sent in to bust our whole operation?" Ooh -- the operation! Maybe there'll be a speed-boat chase later on! Hey, how come these little operators aren't wearing any gold chains, huh?
The scene is all about RevCam talking on the phone to a guy from NYU. The Rev gives Shana a fabulous recommendation and then ascertains that she's applying to go there this January and not fall. Okay. So she's ready to kick Matt to the curb with RevCam smiling in the background. Groovy.
Ruthie goes into her bedroom and accosts Simon, who is reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by, um, who is that? Dale Carnegie? Long, un-cute story short: Ruthie takes a Play-Doh impression of Simon's nose while Happy looks on with dismay.
RevCam drops off Mary at a park or something where her fellow community servicers are serving. I notice that one of them is a woman with a bandanna on her head and jeans torn at the knee. Another person there is wearing a camouflage hat and a purple zip-up sweatshirt with huge holes in the kangaroo pockets. This guy and Bandanna Woman are wearing exactly matching, sparkling-white undershirts, though. It's good to know that there's a place where criminals can find easily-laundered undershirts at an affordable price, isn't it? Mary and Mystery Boy exchange "hi"s and then goo-goo eyes. He's not even that cute. ["Well, neither is Mary, but whatever." -- Sars] For some unknown reason, RevCam has driven around the block. He slows down long enough to take in the vision that is Mary, smiling at Bad Boy and barely picking up any trash with her pointy stick. RevCam makes a face that clearly indicates him thinking, "That bitch!" and drives away. Oh, life is a never-ending trail of sorrow for the Camdens.
I'm not trying to be mean but, Robin Williams, can you PLEASE retire? I know Mrs. Doubtfire was a big hit, but since then -- this robot flick. It's time to give it up now. Don't you have enough money? Go home. Take up a sport or two to burn off your excess energy. Clear the stage for someone else, why don't you?
In the room behind the closet, Lucy guesses that Mary met a guy at community service. Yes, she did, and his name is Robbie. Robbie Palmer. He goes to school across town. Mary repeats his name several times orgasmically and says that she loves it. This is the part where someone cornier than me would say something like, "Might as well face it, Mary, you're addicted to love." Instead, I'll say that I bet one of the writers was watching VH1 the day before coming up with Robbie's name. He told the other writers, "Robbie Palmer. That's catchy, isn't it?" The others agreed. After the show aired, various friends and relatives called each writer and said, "I didn't know you were such a big fan of Robert Palmer." Each writer, in turn, tried to play it off by saying, "Yeah. Um, yeah, I am." Mary gloats about seeing Robbie every day at community service and not having to tell the CamRents about it. Lucy gets all teacher's-pet-reminding-teacher-she-forgot-to-assign-homework on Mary. Blah, blah. "It's not like I'm on some kind of crime wave or something," argues Mary. "Yeah, but you're supposed to be on a punishment wave!" points out Lucy. Ooh! Busted! Mary points out that no one ever said punishment was supposed to be a bad thing. "Blah blah parents!" says Lucy. "And that's why we're not gonna tell 'em," sighs moony Mary. Ah, young stupidity. Oops, I mean, "young love."
Down in the kitchen, Matt is aGAIN eating the CamFam's food while StuporMom just stands around doing a housewifely chore. RevCam walks in and tells her, "You know, the stray dog won't go away if you keep feeding him." That was kind of funny. StuporMom thinks so, too, and she giggles. Here's some more comic relief for you. Matt asks Daddy Cam, "Does Mom ever kiss funny when something's up?" Before asking this, though, he pulls RevCam aside so that they are standing six feet away from Annie instead of five. "Why, did she just kiss you?" RevCam wants to know. Annie turns and giggles again. In fact, I think it was the same piece of film they used the first time. Matt explains that Shana's been kissing funny. RevCam is holding a black bible with a pen and a yellow piece of paper in it. He listens as Matt says that Shana's kissing better than ever before, as if she's guilty, sad, or saying goodbye. Okay, whatever, Matt Partridge. Annie eavesdrops feverishly as RevCam lays some line on Matt about youth, love, and things happening. Matt is annoyed by this cliché and peels out. Annie gives RevCam her trademark ugly look and asks, "What things can happen?" Daddy Cam plays with the carrot stick in his mouth instead of answering.
Mary is on her way to one room or another in the CamPound when RevCam accosts her and asks if she wants to tell him anything. Mary says, "Not really," and tries to leave, but Daddy Cam tosses her a mini-guilt trip about lying by omission. His shirt is open enough at the top to show some chest fuzz. Reverend Camden, please. You know the stomach flu's been going around. Mary elects not to go on the guilt trip and she tells her dad that there's a guy at community service, but they aren't "seeing" each other because doing community service together can hardly be considered "seeing someone." Okay, Mary, but you do realize you can still get pregnant if you kiss him on the mouth at night time, right? Mary goes on to ask her father why punishment always has to be a bad thing. RevCam acts like he's considering the question, and then he's all Mr. Sarcastic, "Because, uh, it's punishment?" Then he wants to know if this Robbie Palmer has a name. Why, yes, he has a wonderful name! It's Robbie Palmer -- sigh! Now Mary has to go or she'll be late in all her orange eye shadow, so she kisses RevCam and leaves him there making his goofy faces.
Back at "Roosevelt School," Ruthie is bugging her art teacher with her cutesy remarks about "knows" sounding like "nose" and people having their "noses" in "other people's business." The teacher tells Ruthie that her clay impression of Simon's nose, entitled "Simon Knows" could really be the start of a piece of art, blah blah. Who cares?
Back at Lucy's locker, Mary informs her sister that she, Mary, was giving Lucy the silent treatment in the car. Lucy doesn't give a care. Friendless and apparently locker-less Mary wants to know why "Judas" Lucy ratted to the CamRents about Robbie Palmer. Lucy says she didn't squeal. Instead of apologizing, Mary sighs and deduces that RevDad must have seen her with Robbie. Lucy tells her some crap about falling in love while serving her time. Mary comes out with some cow chip about it being God's way of restoring her self-esteem. Sure, Mary. He works in ways that are not only mysterious, but also totally ridiculous, right? Lucy rains on Mary's parade, telling her that while God probably helped get her sorry ass out of jail, He probably doesn't care whether she finds love while de-littering the community. D'oh! Mary non-sequiturs into asking Lucy if she'd talk to the CamRents on Mary's behalf. She wants Lucy to lay out some line like, "Isn't it great that Mary found such a great guy?" Mary, step away from the crack pipe. Oh, wait. Sorry. I forgot -- all the cool kids are HUFFING these days. Lucy comes out with some stupid speech about how she can't be the Camden daughter and Mary's sister at the same time. Huh? Lay off the huff -- um -- the huff tube, Lucy! Mary is all happily blinded by Bad Boy Lust as she tells Lucy to be her sister, then, and takes off down the hall. Lucy rolls her eyes. I second that emotion.
On the grassy lawn of the college, Shana is perusing an NYU brochure. Matt sneaks up behind her making a Boris Karloff noise and kisses her, and she guiltily slams the brochure into a notebook or something. "So what's in the bag?" Miss Sneaky wants to know. Dopey hands her three pounds of Saran Wrap and a little piece of something green. Oh, it's a sandwich. Matt made it himself. Chickenhead becomes very sad. Matt tells her it's not a big deal, it's not like he shot the turkey. Tell it to Fiona Apple, Matt. You're not getting any sympathy! Shana gets ready to bawl and shoves it into her mouth. Then we're switched to another camera just in time to see a little piece of food stretching between her mouth and the retreating sandwich. Then Matt caresses her hair while Chickenhead sobs through the turkey that she doesn't want him worrying about her because he has enough to take care of blah blah. Um. Yeah. What with having to go home and clean out his mom's fridge twice a day, I guess he is kind of busy. He tells her that they take care of each other because that's what love's all about. She says she knows but he should be concentrating on his own life and blah blah. Matt asks if she wants to talk to him about anything. She tells him she just wants a hug. He says, "Okay, but can you freaking swallow your food first, you skag?" Oh, wait. I was the one who said that. Sorry. Matt just hugs her and runs his hairy hand up and down her khaki denim jacket.
Simon and one of the visual-arts dudes are working on the mural, which strongly resembles a Bob Ross autumn landscape. The only thing I can puzzle out is that Thanksgiving hasn't occurred yet in Camden World, and that the boys haven't yet painted in the Pilgrims and the cornucopias. Some guy walks by with a lunch kit and Paint Boy tells him, "Goodnight, Mr. Michaels," all Gallant-as-opposed-to-Goofus style. Then the boy, who could almost pass for John Cusack's nephew, whips out a spray can. Simple Simon asks where he got it, and Huff Boy says from his home. They all bring in their own supplies. Spray paint makes it faster. He tells us all this while spraying across the air like he's in a disinfectant commercial or something. Way to screw up the painting, buddy. He adds that spray paint's a lot more fun, and he laughs and coughs. Then Simon coughs and asks, "How do you breathe around that stuff?" "Oh, you get used to it," confides Evil Huffing Demon, "actually, probably start to like it after a while. Heh. [Cof!]" Simon wants to know where the other guys are. It turns out that they decided to "catch a breather." Get it? Get it?? "We could use a breather, too," remarks Simple Simon. Inhalant Boy cracks up at this, the way only a high person can crack up at something that's not even verging on amusing. Then Sniffy tells puzzled Simon that he's "too pure to understand," and takes off to check on the others.
Get out the barf bags. Etta James is dissed as "At Last" plays and we see Mary and Robbie Palmer reaching for the same piece of trash with their litter-grabbing sticks. Aw! Young love is so freaking stupid sometimes! Mary and Robbie throw leaves at each other. Mary and Robbie smile at each other through a bush. Robbie gives Mary a bouquet made from weeds. The two of them sit down and Robbie's little finger lands on Mary's. Aw! Retch!
Down at the CamPound, RevCam is moaning to StuporMom that Mary won and they lost, that punishment shouldn't be fun, blah blah. RevCam confesses that he wouldn't be nearly as annoyed if he'd only known about this guy from the beginning. Okay, so let me get this straight. Mary should have immediately gone to him on Day One and said, "Dad, one of the guys serving community service is hot." Day Two: "Dad, I think he thinks I'm hot, too." Day Three: "Dad, I gave my phone number to the hot guy. I'm hoping to spend at least thirty minutes engaged in inane, giggly conversation with him sometime before the end of the week. Also, while in the shower this morning, I fantasized about --" I mean, what's the big freaking deal? I think she already told him way more than I would have. But whatever. I guess the Rev has to have this fake lying-by-omission to panic about, and nothing more serious than that. I mean, what if Mary did something REALLY bad, and then a female teen viewer did something similar? Lawsuit time! So that's why you can't have a family-values type show with relevant issues. That's my theory, at least. The only alternative is to believe that there are people who actually live like this. I don't believe it. We're talking one step away from the Flanderses, here. Maybe I'm sheltered, but I just don't know anyone like that. So StuporMom suddenly asks what RevCam isn't telling her about Shana. RevCam doesn't answer and she makes a really undignified, dog-like face of begging at him. So he sticks his finger right in her face and makes her agree not to tell anyone -- especially Matt. Blah blah blah, RevCam won't tell Matt about Shana going to NYU because Shana's supposed to tell him herself. The CamRents hope Matt won't be too pissed at Daddy Rev. They kiss. Whatever.
Simon enters the radiance emitted by the Holiday Mural and catches his new buddies in the act of huffing. They are huffing into ("out of"? Damn! Deborah, can you lend me your Bing-cherry bong?) lunch bags. "You guys are gonna get sick!" exclaims Simple. The Paint Heads explain huffing to Simon, taunt him for not trying it, and then Cusack Boy gets a nosebleed. Simon's worried, but Blood Nose says it happens all the time. Simon's black, black eyebrows furrow in concern and in his desire to hurry and tattle. He can't tattle, though, because one of the Huffers threatened that his life would be hell if he did.
I know those little train cases full of low-budget eye shadows and stuff aren't worth the money, but that knowledge doesn't stop me from wanting one.
RevCam is in his home office, watering his fern. Ah, the lives of the Called Ones. Shana calls to let him know that she was accepted to NYU. Then she hems and haws about breaking the news to Matt. She'll tell him, but not right now.
Simon's in his room, slamming a large piece of fabric into his wastebasket. StuporMom comes in and says, "This is not a hamper," all smiley and stuff. Simple tells her he's dropping out of the visual arts project. He makes an excuse about the other guys not wanting him there. StuporMom is trying to pep-talk him and tell him that they just don't know him well enough, blah blah. Simon says he doesn't like them. Turning on her Ugly Face, Annie sternly enforces one of the Camden Cult rules: "Simon, we like everyone. Give them one more chance, for me." Yeah, Simon. You like everyone, dammit. So you'd better start liking the paint-sniffers, you little punk. Simon says he'll try. Annie slaps him on the shoulder like he's her coon hound and says, "Good boy!"
In the kitchen, Ruthie is all dom-queen telling Matt not to move. Matt sits there with clay on his nose, wondering why RevCam's on the phone with Shana. RevCam emerges from his den and Ruthie tells him he's . Ruthie leaves and Matt totally flies off the handle in RevCam's face. Rev tells him that his conversation with Shana falls under "pastor-parishioner privilege." Dopey asks, "What about father-son obligation?" Then he has to pull the hilarious clay off his nose. RevCam tells him, "Get out of my face before I SLAP that clay off you. Call your skanky ho yourself, and step off so I can drink my damn soy milk." Matt runs out of the room, leaving Daddy Rev with the Play-Doh in his hand.
Someone's at the door. Rev and Annie go to answer it. It's Robbie Pah-mer, a friend of Mary's, from, you know, community service work. Annie says, "We know who you are, muthafucka." Okay, well, she doesn't say that, but she may as well have, with the optical poison she's spraying. "Mary's on restriction," RevCam bubble-bursts. "She's not allowed to have dates right now, or even in the near future." Annie shakes her head like a good little hausfrau. Robbie knows that, but he wanted to speak to the CamRents without Mary knowing he was there, so that they wouldn't suspect anything later when he made his move to get into Mary's Jockey-For-Hers. They step out onto the porch and Robbie tells why he's doing time. He got a ride with acquaintances who had beer in the car, and the driver was drunk and ran a red light, and Robbie was busted by association for possession by a minor. Okay. Robbie continues to suck up majorly and asks for permission to call Mary. Meanwhile, nosy-ass Lucy scopes out the scene through the window. RevCam sighs and makes Robbie, and us, wait for his answer.
"I can't believe he's talking to Mom and Dad!" nosy-ass Lucy is telling Mary on the stairs. "How cool is that?" Mary wants to know. Then she makes a weird breast-stroke-looking gesture and asks if she looks different. No, Mary. You look just as sloppy as you always do picking up trash at the park. Lucy gives her sister an up-and-down assessment that seems to indicate that Mary's looking rather tasty. Mary thinks she should look different because for the first time in her life, really truly in love, blah blah.
Mary hauls ass down the stairs just in time to see the CamRents coming in and closing the front door. She tells them some crap about how honest and sincere Robbie is, and RevCam says he thinks they're gonna need some time on this one. Mary's makeup is several shades darker and orange-er than her neck, so she says "yeah" and runs back up the stairs. The CamRents grimace and huddle together for warmth in the cold light of the cruel, cruel world.
At Chickenhead's pad, Matt doesn't want coffee. He wants to know what his dad knows that he doesn't. Shana goes "Gulp!" and then says, "I've been accepted to NYU for pre-med and classes start in January." Guess what Dopey says. He says, "NYU as in New York?" No, dumb ass. NYU as in Nasty Yellow Underwear. I think that, just to be sure, he should also ask if she means med as in medical and January as in the month. While they haggle about it, Shana points out that Jonas Salk went to NYU. Um, so? ["Yeah, really. Mr. Stupidhead goes there, and look what happened to him. Heh, just kidding." -- Sars] Matt says that he bet Jonas Salk told his girlfriend about it before he went. Ooh, busted! Baby, CRUNCH! "Can't we talk about this?" begs Chickenhead. Matt gestures with his index finger exactly as his father would and says it's too late for that. Then he grabs his vinyl jacket and runs out into the night with his saggy-booty Levi's all sad.
At the high school, Mary is scaring people with her yellow top and purple headband. She has checked her stalking-schedule of her sister's whereabouts and so is able to catch Lucy on the stairs and ask her in intercede with the CamRents on Mary's behalf. Lucy says the same stuff she said earlier about not being the daughter and the sister at the same time. THIS SHOW DOES NOT NEED TO BE AN HOUR LONG. THERE IS NOT ENOUGH MATERIAL. Mary says "sister to six, daughter to two, blah blah, do the math," and pokes Lucy in the forehead, pissing her off and cracking me up.
RevCam is about to drop off Simon at school when Beulah Balbricker walks up and tells him that Pete "John Cusack's nephew" Lawrence collapsed with a bloody nose. She asks Simon if he knows (Get it? "Knows"?) anything about it. Of course, the three other huffers are standing right in front of the car giving Simon the Sneers Of Foreboding, so Simon says no. RevCam uses his sacred gift of telepathy to read Simon like a book. I thought it was pretty cool of him to ask if Simon wanted to be late for school and offer to take a drive. For about five seconds there, Daddy Rev didn't annoy me.
Annie's cleaning up after the twins' meal when Matt bursts through the door. He stomps right up to her and, waving his hand all in her personal space, asks if she was aware that Dad gave Shana the NYU reference. Uh, Matt. Even though your mother's a doormat who sits around all day waiting to agree with whatever your dad says, that doesn't mean you can be all loud-talking to her and wave your arm in her face. You're lucky I'm not there to drag you out by your greasy hair. Tell him something, Annie! Don't just stand there! The best StuporMom can do is: "Good morning to you, too." Matt bitches about everyone knowing Shana's business but him, and about his dad sending the woman he loves three thousand miles away, and whatever else. A tiny patch of chest fuzz peeks out of the neckline of his sweatshirt. He yells at his mother as if it's her fault that his girlfriend doesn't care about his feelings. Then he runs out and slams the door. Damn, he's lucky he didn't grow up in my house.
Down at Glenoak Hospital, Simon and RevCam play a little game. Simon can't rat out the Huffers, but he can hint around until RevCam draws on personal experience and figures it out for himself. "Paint, spray paint, fumes," says Simon. "We're talking about huffing, aren't we?" clever RevCam replies. Where's Dick Clark? Give this man some internment camp money! At this point they're right outside Pete's room. RevCam informs us all that huffing can cause liver damage, kidney failure, heart failure -- even death! After seeing this and the natural-energy-boosters episode, I'm pretty impressed with his Encyclopedia Brown-ish knowledge of narcotic effects. I wish I were there to quiz him right now. "Hey, Rev," I'd say, "What about peyote? What does that do to you? How about 'shrooms?" Pete's mom comes out of the hospital room and -- dang! -- blames SIMON for what happened. She says that Pete was a good-boy-A-student until Simon starting hanging with him, and that the spray paint came from Simon's garage. Guess what Reverend Camden says to this. He goes, "What?" and "Excuse me?" Mrs. Lawrence tells Simon to stay away from her son, and then stalks off. ["The last time I checked out Canadian Tire, the spray paint was sitting there on the shelf, like the uncontrolled substance it is, just waiting to be bought by anyone over the age of two." -- Cate] Gosh darn you milquetoast suburbanites! Don't just stand there, RevCam! Tell her some shit! Let me give you an example. Try standing up really straight, flaring your nostrils, cocking your elbows back, and saying in a high-pitched voice, "HEY, DAMMIT! Don't you BE telling my son jack shit, you ol' paint-sniffin'-son-havin' BEE-OTCH! Get your nappy Boba-Fett-head-lookin'-ass outta my face afore I get the UZI from my garage and learn you a lesson." Say it once with me, Reverend Camden. I think you'll like it, once you try it. Or are you TOO PURE? Oh, no! My mouth is bleeding! Help me, Camdens! Help me! RevCam hugs Simon while Pete lies unconscious, not looking on.
This week only at Big K-Mart, you can push your cart through unkempt aisles while the sales clerks ignore you. Oh, wait. That's the special every week. My bad.
Pete coughs and awakens to find Simon at his side. He tells Simon to go away. Simon can't, because Pete's mom thinks Simon did this to him. Simple Simon is all turn-the-other-cheek, expecting Pete to tell his mom the truth and hoping Pete and his buddies will stop huffing. Pete rolls over and coughs as RevCam opens the door and peeks in to see what a good job his son's doing of imitating him.
We see a close-up of a tower of Play-Doh noses. On top there's a little flag that says "A Camden Knows." Ruthie's art teacher sticks a blue ribbon on the whole thing and congratulates her. They discuss Ruthie's family's inability to recognize her talent, blah blah. Ruthie hauls her sculpture away and shows how cracked and dried the green nose is.
Evening, RevCam's home office. Matt bursts in and thanks his dad for "excluding [Matt] from [his] own life." They blab for a bit and then RevCam actually makes a good point. He says that if Dopey loved Shana, he wouldn't selfishly try to keep her from taking such a great opportunity. Hey -- I didn't say it was an original good point, did I? Matt doesn't know if he can let Shana go without throwing a few more tantrums.
Mary tromps into her bedroom, all pissed off. Lucy asks what's wrong and Mary says that the CamRents had Robbie transferred to another community service location. Huh? Who are these people -- the MAFIA? Why didn't they just have MARY transferred? I guess that would have ruined their complex morning routes or something. Lucy stands up for their parents, saying that they're older and wiser and blah blah. Mary says she'll just talk to Ruthie time she wants loyalty. Lucy expresses precociously mature concern, and Mary says that she and the CamRents never want to see Mary happy again. Lucy sarcastically agrees and they silently plunk down on their beds.
Simon is working his shift in the twins' room. Annie walks in and he tells her that he finally found some cool guys to hang out with, indicating the twins. Aw. (Ew. I meant that "aw" non-sarcastically. I must be ovulating or something.) StuporMom apologizes for trying to brainwash Simon into befriending the junkies. Simon apologizes for not tattling about the huffing sooner. He wonders why anyone would find huffing fun. Annie doesn't know. RevCam walks in and gives the details on his latest Concerned Busybody Hotline call. Pete copped to his huffing and that of his friends, and the school principal is going to meet with the huffers and their parents. Also, Pete told his friends that it was his decision to rat them out, so no one will think it was Simon. Simon doesn't care if they do. "Good for you," RevCam tells him. Pete suffered no serious damage blah blah blah. That's one plotline neatly stashed away. Then Mary walks in and asks to speak to her parents. In the hallway, RevCam admits that he transferred Robbie and explains that he thinks Mary's community service shouldn't be any fun. Blah blah, Robbie can still call Mary, and later he can come over so everyone can give him the third degree and get to know him better. Mary says she's grateful. The CamRents are surprised. Mary does a monologue about having a groovy sister to help her see how much their parents care about them and blah blah freaking blah. Ruthie walks past and stops long enough for RevCam and StuporMom to double-take on her ugly sculpture and its blue ribbon. The kids exit and RevCam says, "First prize? Well, we were wrong about that piece of -- art." Oh, hardy har. Way to slag your kid's piece-of-shit art, you jerkwads.
Shana finds Matt lying on a campus bench like an indigent. "I got your message," she says perkily. I hope he left her a message similar to the one she left him last week. I can see her hitting the machine button and hearing something like, "Shana, I guess I'm not too mad that you're a lying-by-omission ho cat. I'm throwing out the picture of you that I was using for a spittoon. Call me!" Shana asks if Matt's gonna make her eat any more of that hospital food. He cracks a smile and she asks if they're breaking up. No, Matt doesn't want to. He gets up and busts out a bottle of beverage. If he couldn't be the first person she told about NYU, he wants to be the first with whom she celebrates. "You're the only person I want to celebrate with!" she simpers. Now I'm thinking it's a good thing that she's leaving and escaping his co-dependence. Matt pretends he thinks it's cool that she's going, and she cries, and he says he doesn't want to be selfish, and she says she's crying because she's happy that someone loves her enough to let her go. They really do love each other! They hug and the show's over. Sniff! That was so lame!