This week: Lucy and Ruthie try to get in with the In Crowd; Dopey and Chickenhead discuss their loathsome relationship; and despite what the promos would have you believe, none of the Camdens helps anyone much at all. Not that I'm busting on the promo producers. I'm sure they must have difficulties staying awake while watching the show too.
I'm sad to report that RevCam doesn't give his usual little welcome before the episode begins. He's in his office, actually. It looks like he just needed a break from his family, or else he's busy surfing some porn on his laptop, because SuperMom has to phone and practically drag him away from the office to take a walk with her. As he gets up to leave, he notices that someone has slipped an envelope under his door. He's about to open it when he hears the phone ring again. He leaves without answering it.
Okay, some producer must have been checking out MBTV lately and been embarrassed by 7th Heaven's poor showing in the special-effects Remote Poll, because it looks like they threw another twenty bucks into the effects budget. Ruthie's on a three-way phone call with two of her little troll friends, and we get to see all three of them at once through the wonder of split-screen wizardry. It's very Brady. Troll One says that if Ruthie wants to be their friend, she has to get three-way calling. Huh? Honestly, I refuse to believe that kids these days are that cretinous. She goes on to state the second condition of the friendship, which is that Ruthie has to help them get rid of someone named Sarah, who "can't be following [them] around because she's a total geek loser." Troll Two adds, "Yeah, we can't be seen with losers, or other people are gonna think that we're losers too." Well, if that's the case, are you sure you've got the right Ruthie on the line? Ruthie hesitates, perhaps wondering, as am I, if "getting rid" of someone means dismembering her and hiding her body parts in various dumpsters around town. She eventually agrees to it, though.
Simon puts down the copy of The Outsiders that he's just finished reading. He stares glumly into space until Ruthie comes along and asks him if he's going to cry. He claims he's "reflecting" because he just read a "terrible book" for school. Ruthie asks why reading terrible books is required: "Did they run out of all the good books by the eighth grade?" I'm busy wiping tears of mirth, not self-pity, from my eyes while Simon explains that The Outsiders is not terrible, just "terribly sad." Then he gives away the ending to the book and makes a halfhearted attempt to explain it to Ruthie. Eventually he gives up and says that he has to start writing his essay. Ruthie's a mini-Matt in the making, because she says all sternly, "Well, then I guess you should get to your paper," as if it were actually any of her business.
Speaking of Dopey, he and Chickenhead walk into the house carrying piles of laundry. Chickenhead's saying she feels uncomfortable bringing their laundry to the Compound, but SuperMom is very gracious about it all, as she walks off saying, "Mi washer/dryer es su washer/dryer." Shana is still frantic, though, which gives me this unfortunate mental image of her running around like a chicken with its head -- well, you get the picture. She says she still doesn't feel right about the laundry and that she'd thought she and Matt would be getting together to talk tonight. Dopey depletes his limited stock of charm as he closes in on her while saying, "We're here together, talkin' and washin' and dryin'." It's a very strange little speech that makes for a total Teen Beat moment. While Mary and Lucy skulk around the stairway, eavesdropping, Chickenhead cuts off Dopey to say that he won't be able to talk her into it. No one specifies exactly what "it" is, and I don't care enough to speculate. Mary and Lucy do, though. Dopey flirtatiously asks Chickenhead, "Wanna do a load of whites together?" Hmm, I've never heard it called that before. Chickenhead responds, "I don't want to do anything that intimate right now," and Mary and Lucy stand gaping on the stairs, where Mary mouths the word "intimate." Dopey must be some kind of idiot savant whose only talent is seeing through walls, because he busts Mary and Lucy for eavesdropping, saying, "Anything you were snooping around to hear is none of your business." Don't you just love how he's such a major hypocrite when it comes to others interfering in his business?
RevCam and SuperMom are getting ready to leave for their walk. SuperMom asks about the mystery envelope, and RevCam says he didn't want to take the time to open it since he was "rushing home to walk with [his] woman." He puts enough spin on it to let us know he's kidding, so I am saved from having to put my foot through my television screen. RevCam opens the envelope, which contains a cheque made out to the church for $20,000. He and SuperMom clumsily high-five each other, which is actually kind of cute. Then they start doing "The Bump," but the opening credits kick in before we have to see too much of that.
Sighing heavily, Simon pours an inch of juice into a glass and throws maybe twelve Cocoa Puffs into a bowl before settling down to read the newspaper. RevCam comes in and effects an annoying brogue when asking, "Ah, I see me boy is having a wee leprechaun of a breakfast -- what happened, me lad?" Um, RevCam, could you stop that, please? Thanks. Simon starts going on about how guilty he feels eating breakfast when so many people are starving. ["The Outsiders was about starving people? I guess I need to reread that." -- Sars] RevCam points out, very sensibly, that there are relevant, meaningful things people can do to alleviate world hunger and that the starving people will not be any less hungry if Simon eats his "usual breakfast." Simon replies, "It's a symbolic gesture." Gross; enough with the ineffectual bourgeois guilt, Simple Simon. He says he wants to be reminded of "what's going on" in the world and lists a bunch of admittedly sad news stories. RevCam tries to cheer him up by mentioning the $20,000 donation to the church. Simon just says, "No matter how much money it is, it'll never be enough to help everyone, is it [sic]?" All right, Simon, I agree with you in theory, but I won't be able to dredge up much respect for your opinion until you get off your ass and actually do something productive about it. Whining doesn't count. Anyway, Simon leaves. Adios, Mr. Morose.
SuperMom and Ruthie engage in a totally pointless and annoying exchange about God and fatalism, except I'm making it sound about a hundred times more interesting than it really is. After Fun With Philosophy, Ruthie blames her bad mood on Simon (tell me about it) while rushing through her lines before she forgets them. She exits as Mary and Lucy enter. It sounds like they're speculating on where Dopey and Chickenhead might have sex. Lucy's saying something about their "motive," and Annie asks, "Motive for what?" This causes both girls to rush off while SuperMom shouts, "We'll talk about this later!"
SuperMom is laughing while watching one of the babies play peek-a-boo with a blanket, except I'm all distracted, since it's obvious this has been edited together in post-production after some camera operator kept a camera trained on the twins all day, waiting for them to do something adorable. SuperMom says, "They're so cute and innocent. I wish we could keep them this way forever." I guess it's meant to be sweet, but it comes off a little disturbing instead. ["Not least since she's already been through the whole cute-and-innocent wringer five times already." -- Sars] She asks RevCam if he's on his way to the bank. He says that before he cashes the $20,000 cheque he's going to talk to the donor first. SuperMom perkily suggests that maybe the donor won the lottery, but RevCam pessimistically says he has a bad feeling about the whole thing. This prompts Annie to ask if RevCam's been talking to Simon, which he has. SuperMom says, "Wow, that kid's a black hole. He's sucked the life out of this entire family with his bad mood." RevCam says he'll try to stay out of Simon's "gravitational pull."
Over at Dopey's swingin' bachelor pad, Chickenhead's knocking at the door. Dopey lets her in, but doesn't say anything at first because he's scribbling away furiously. Finally he says, "All right! I've only been working on it for a week, but I think I finally figured out that 'Daily Jumble!' Man, it was hard!" Actually, what he really says is that he's going to ace some test. I doubt that's true, but it's nice to see him being so optimistic about it anyway. Chickenhead's come by to give him one of his T-shirts that she'd found in her laundry bag. He says he could have picked it up later. Chickenhead says, "Later is something I'm not sure about. I'm confused." Dopey replies, "And evidently doing laundry just confused you more." Well, actually, Matt, most people aren't really that confused by doing laundry. But don't worry, I'm sure you'll "ace" that task one day also! He tries to tell Chickenhead that they should do "what other couples do." What exactly that would be is lost to posterity, because Chickenhead cuts him off to say that they should see other people. She says it is all too much and that she won't be able to keep up her 4.0 GPA if their relationship continues. No, Shana, really, it's okay -- stupidity isn't contagious. He fights her on it a bit, asking her why she's trying to distance him. Then he starts whining, "Don't my needs count for anything?" Shana does what any sane woman would do -- she rolls her eyes and leaves. Dopey's still apologizing as she closes the door in his face. Then he realizes that the shirt she gave him isn't even his. Man, that's cold, Shana. You didn't have to flaunt that you've been "doing a load of whites" with some other guy, you know. A simple "I'm dumping you" would have sufficed.
Ruthie and her troll friends are on some swings at the playground, chanting, "Friends forever! Girl power forever!" Another girl comes over. We know she is geeky because she is sporting braids and black-framed glasses. She asks what they're doing, but the Trolls just start teasing her and calling her a bird. Much as I hate to admit it, they do have a point about her looking a bit bird-like, though once she gets older, I'll bet she beats the Trolls hands down in the looks department. While Ruthie looks on uncomfortably, the Trolls keep the insults flying, although many of them sound like they were poorly translated from some foreign language a couple hundred years ago. My favourites: "You're a skinny bird who can't do anything," and "Fly away, skinny bird, shoo!"
At the high school, two popular girls are discussing a homecoming party for the boys' basketball team, while Lucy keeps up the proud Camden tradition of eavesdropping from a couple feet away. They're talking about how the girls' basketball team is comprised of screw-ups who were stupid to vandalize the gym. Hey, no argument there! I do have to laugh extra-hard, though, when one girl gets all prissy and says, "It made the whole school look bad." Lucy butts in and says, "Do you mind? You're talking about my sister!" She has to tell them who her sister is since they don't know. The girls apologize and say that they didn't mean to offend Lucy because they like her. One of them says, "You're really nice and smart. You're not anything like your sister." Hee hee. They invite Lucy to the party but tell her she can't bring Mary. Lucy declines and walks away. Instead of feeling dissed, the girls just watch her walk away, and one comments, "Lucy looks great this year. Too bad she has that loser sister." Okay. Along comes Mary. She asks if they've seen Lucy. They just point her in the right direction but don't say anything. I think that's kind of weird, and Mary must think so also, because she turns to look back at the popular girls, who just fake-smile at her and then start giggling when Mary's back is turned.
All this weirdness makes me almost glad to see RevCam again. Almost. He's summoned the donor of the $20,000 cheque to his office for a chat. The donor is an older Japanese woman named Sachiko, and she looks kind of annoyed to have RevCam harassing her about the donation. He just says that since it's such a large amount, he wanted to be sure it wasn't a mistake. I don't think Sachiko owes him any explanation., but I guess if she doesn't give one, there won't be much of a show. She tells him it's the reparation money the government gave her for putting her parents in an internment camp during World War II. She also says that her brother fought in the 442nd regiment, for the Americans, in that war. By the end of the war, her parents had lost their farming business, and her father was a "broken man." Both parents died before she received the reparation money, and "like them, most of the people who suffered and deserved the money the most are not alive today." She doesn't want the "blood money," as she calls it, and wants to get rid of it so she won't "have to talk about it ever again." Jeez, RevCam, thanks for making her talk about it again. You've made her cry, too. She asks him just to take the money, and he smiles wanly.
He's reading about internment camps when Ruthie comes along to bother him. Oh, goody, it's time for a history lesson masquerading as dialogue! I'm tempted to tune out, as I often do when this stylistic device is employed, but I'm glad I don't because RevCam does a nice job of explaining how people of Japanese descent were rounded up and locked away in the camps during WWII in case they were spies. He also explains about the reparation given out by the US government as an apology for violating the constitutional rights of those sent to the camps. As he's winding down, SuperMom comes in to say that she just got off the phone with one of Ruthie's teachers, and "Ruthie and her friends made a little girl cry at school today." Ruthie tries to weasel out of it by saying that she didn't do any name-calling, and that she'd offer Sarah some money but she doesn't have any. Nice to see that's all she got out of RevCam's lecture. Instead of trying to explain the futility of reparation money to Ruthie, RevCam just sits silently while SuperMom tells Ruthie to apologize to Sarah the day. Ruthie leaves, rather insolently. SuperMom sighs and says, "Well, she shouldn't have done it." When RevCam points out that he didn't say anything, Annie replies, "Well, you could have."
Dopey's foraging around in his parents' refrigerator like the stupid, mooching loser that he is. SuperMom asks him if he's "eating for two," which makes no sense at all. He tells her that Chickenhead wants to see other people. Lucy walks into the kitchen, and Dopey implies that he's not comfortable talking about his problems in front of her. Lucy says she is leaving so that SuperMom and Dopey can talk, and that the conversation is probably "too intimate" for her anyway. Dopey totally freaks on her, accusing her of trying to make him look bad in front of SuperMom and of showing too much of an interest in something that is none of her business (yup, you're just the one to lecture someone aaaaaall about that, Dopey). Then he starts feeling all sorry for himself because everyone thinks of him as someone who just uses the Camden Compound as a restaurant and laundromat. Hmm, I don't know how the fact that he's always showing up to steal food and do his laundry would give anyone that impression. For the grand finale of his Moron Show, he whines that even though he doesn't live there anymore, he's still part of the family: "And I'm still your big brother, which entitles me to lecture you." I don't know; I'll always be five years older than my sister, but I think if I tried to lay a Matt-style lecture on her, I'd find myself with one of her boots lodged up my ass, and rightfully so. Man, what a freakin' moron Dopey is. And he's made Lucy run off crying. He tells SuperMom he's not going to apologize to Lucy because his private life is his own business. Annie says she understands, but "now that that word 'privacy' has reared its interesting head, do you want to talk about your private life?" No, he just wants to eat the Camdens' food in peace, damn it. I assume he wants to get the eating out of the way so he can leave as soon as his laundry is done.
Lucy and Mary are sitting in their bedroom. The way they've been angled weirdly at the beginning of the scene makes me think some director was trying to be artsy. Unfortunately all it reminds me of is the SCTV parody of Ingmar Bergman films. They engage in a very dull conversation, in which we learn that Dopey has hurt Lucy's feelings and that Mary got into basketball because she was always feeling left out when she was younger. She whines about how she has nothing left now and that she has "let everybody down." Considering that she was stupid enough to think vandalizing a school gym was a meaningful statement of protest, I can't be bothered to dredge up any sympathy for her sorry-ass problems.
Back in the kitchen, Dopey graciously offers Simon some of the Camden food. Simon declines because the cookies are filled with "additives, preservatives, chemicals." Oddly enough, the cookies are stored in one of the plastic containers Matt had removed from the fridge earlier. Honestly, who keeps store-bought cookies in the fridge, in Tupperware, no less? It's Simon's big dramatic speech: pawns of big business, blah blah, poisonous plastics, blah blah, paper towels. Thanks, Simon, but the time I want to hear your trite views on anything, I'll ask. Run along now.
Lucy answers the phone in her bedroom. It's Tammy, and she wants to know if Lucy's going to the big party. Lucy says she'll think about it.
Mary catches Dopey in the kitchen. He's packing up what's left of the Camden food to take home with him. He informs Mary that he and Chickenhead weren't fighting about sex and that she can tell Lucy that. Mary replies, "I'm not your messenger, and I don't care what you and Shana are doing." Like the Grinch, Matt walks out the door with all the family's food, but not before saying, "That's right, you don't care about anybody but yourself." Dopey, they just can't win with you, can they? You're pissed when people show interest in your stupid problems, you're pissed when they don't. Make up your freakin' mind already. Oh, and don't forget your laundry!
Dopey's back at his own place, checking his messages. Get this, Chickenhead has actually left the following message on his machine: "Hi, this is Shana for Matt. Matt, listen, I'm sorry about today. I really don't want to see other people, but I do want a time out from you. I'll call you." Well, that's a new one. I've never heard of anyone being dumped via answering machine, especially when it's a machine shared by the dumpee's roommate. Do I feel any sympathy for Dopey? Ask me again when I'm done laughing.
Ma Camden informs Simon that his bad mood is bringing down everyone else in the house. She tells him that if he pretends to be happy, eventually he will become happy. She also tells him how to sustain a good mood: "Once you get your mood up, help someone to actually do something that contributes to someone else feeling better or getting what they need." I know, I thought that was a little convoluted too. I'll try to translate: people who have nothing to contribute to the world but an endless whine about how bad things are tend to make others want to slap them really, really, really hard. She means you, Simon, so quit yer bitching and do something.
Lucy's talking to her new popular friends in the hallway when Mary drags her away to apologize for being so down the night before. She goes on to say that it's probably all in her head that she and the other basketball players are being shunned by the school. The popular girls giggle on cue, and Mary looks over at them. "Okay, maybe people are shunning me," she realizes, but at least she still has her family. One of the popular girls chooses that particular moment to come over and say, to Lucy, "See you on Saturday. Party, party!" Lucy hems and haws about the party and finally says, "It's not like I got in trouble, right?" Mary lays on a big ole Dopey-style guilt trip when she says, "You did nothing. Except join a whole group of people who are trying to exclude me." Unfortunately, Lucy falls for it, watching uncomfortably as Mary stalks off in a huff.
Ew, I'd almost forgotten that Ruthie was on this show. She taps Sarah on the shoulder and offers the most perfunctory apology imaginable. Sarah doesn't think it's worth much either, because she asks, "Hello, that's it?" Ruthie says, "I apologized. Did you want something else?" Sarah thought maybe she and Ruthie could be friends. Ruthie can't imagine Sarah would want to be friends with her since she let her Troll friends make Sarah cry. Sarah says, "I wanna be your friend because I really don't think you like them." Ruthie says, "Yes, I am." Huh? Unlike everyone else in the universe, Sarah understands what Ruthie is saying there, because she responds, "Fine, then I don't wanna be your friend. I thought you were different." This makes Ruthie stop and think. I sense a Valuable Lesson coming on!
Oh, man, Dopey's back at the family trough again! Does he even buy any groceries on his own? What is the point of him living in his own place if he spends all his time at the Camdens' anyway? SuperMom just smiles at him, which causes him to hallucinate that she actually gives a shit about his stupid problems. He says, "Okay, if you wanna know so bad, I'll tell you." He launches into a tale of his relationship woes. I'll try to make it as painless as possible: Shana's pissed that Dopey talked to his roommate about their relationship troubles, and she refuses to seek counseling with him. ["'Counseling'?" -- Sars] SuperMom agrees to talk to Chickenhead herself.
RevCam is in his office talking to Henry Muranaka, an older Japanese man who is eager to help RevCam mainly because the Colonel (RevCam's father) has helped raise awareness of the regiment Henry fought with during WWII. It turns out Sachiko's brother fought in the same regiment. RevCam asks Henry for his opinion on reparation money. Henry has used the money to pay for operations for his grandson, who was born with unspecified physical ailments. He says, "I'm not saying the reparation money evens thing out or makes life fair. Life is not fair. Maybe I can present a different perspective to Sachiko." I'm sure Sachiko will be thrilled to know that RevCam has been discussing her problems with everyone in town.
Simon looks particularly dorky and unappealing as he tries to perform some Backstreet Boys dance moves while walking down the stairs. Maybe the little girls understand, but I sure don't. As his first good deed, he talks Lucy into donating some items to a clothing drive his school is holding for the Kosovo refugees. She leaves, and Simon goes back to dancing while singing some kind of "happy" song. Ruthie comes out to investigate his off-key warblings: "What's all the racket? I've got the blues, and I don't want to be disturbed!" Aw, isn't that adorable! Retch. Simon tries to work his cheering-up magic on her, then glides away. Ruthie actually skips back to her room.
Chickenhead and SuperMom are folding laundry together while Chickenhead works up the courage to discuss Matt. Chickenhead describes the relationship problems as "serious," and says that she wants to know how close she and Matt are going to get before she'll feel comfortable airing her "dirty laundry" in front of him. She says that her mother is her "dirty laundry," and that she had a "crummy life" growing up. Oddly, she also bemoans the fact that she doesn't even know how to do laundry, and that doing laundry with Dopey feels too intimate: "Putting my dirty underwear in with Matt's dirty underwear when we haven't even seen each other's underwear." Ew, this is getting weirder by the minute. She says she doesn't care how "other people do laundry," and adds, "My goal isn't to be normal. My goal is to be me. I guess that's what I've been so afraid of talking about with Matt." Most of that makes very little sense to me. Oh, well, I won't let it bring me down. I just want to keep a smile on my face so that Simon will stay the hell away from me with his happy pep talks.
RevCam brings Henry Muranaka to Sachiko's, and Henry tells her he fought in WWII with her brother, Jum. She says, "I'm sorry the Reverend has wasted your time. I'm not interested in talking," and shuts the door on them. RevCam stands on the porch for a while, looking perplexed.
Having already stolen all the Camdens' food, it now looks like Dopey has moved on to cleaning out their closets as well. He's "liberating" some items from a closet when Lucy comes along, and they apologize to each other. I hate to say it, but Dopey and Lucy have way more sexual chemistry than Dopey and Chickenhead do. Anyway, Matt informs her that he and Chickenhead have not been doing the Posturepedic polka . Lucy says, "But you were doing laundry together!" I still don't see what's such a big deal about doing laundry with someone you're dating, but Lucy says, "I would have to be practically married to let some guy see my dirty clothes. Yuck!" This statement makes the light bulb go on in Dopey's brain (actually, I picture it as one of those two-watt jobs usually used in night-lights), and he hugs Lucy before rushing off.
He runs rudely past RevCam, who's coming in the front door. Eric sarcastically says, "How was your day, Dad?" and then indulges in a little soliloquy about how he's screwed up and disappointed the Colonel. Annie cuts him off to let him know Sachiko has phoned and asked him to come back over with Henry. Simon comes along and asks him how his day was. Everybody looks super-happy. RevCam leaves again.
Gross, Chickenhead and Dopey are making out. They agree not to do laundry together and to spend more time with each other. Chickenhead explains that she's such an academic go-getter because she had a lousy childhood. Now she wants to go to medical school, and she's afraid her relationship with Dopey will get in the way. We learn that Dopey has decided to go to medical school too. Bwahahaha! Anyway, Chickenhead wants to take their relationship slowly. Whatever.
Ruthie is talking to Sarah on the phone. She says, "Thanks for still wanting to be my friend. I was really, really bad." Hee! If this acting gig doesn't work out, Ruthie can always get a job at 1-976-SPANK-ME in a couple years. Sarah has conference calling, which is "way better" than three-way calling, and she suggests getting the Trolls on the line so they can all "join forces." It's a little weird that Sarah has the phone numbers of her tormenters on speed dial, because she gets this conference thing up and running just a little too quickly. I hate to come down on the side of the bullies, but it's pretty funny when the Trolls hang up on Ruthie and Sarah. "They still don't want to talk to me," laments Sarah. "No," says Ruthie, "now they don't want to talk to us." Sarah says, "'Us' sounds nice." Is anybody else feeling a bit creeped out by her clinginess? I'm trying to think of words to describe the little dance Ruthie does after hanging up the phone, but that would entail watching it again. I just got over a nasty bout of stomach flu and don't want to chance a relapse.
Dopey's trying to get Mary to come out of her bedroom so he can apologize for calling her selfish. She opens her door, and it's genuinely funny as the door whacks Dopey on the head, really hard. Mary claims she did act selfish by giving Lucy a hard time about going to the party. Dopey just wants to talk about Dopey: "Man, it's hard to care about your family and grow up and leave your family." Mary points out, "And yet you're still here." Ha! Two intentionally funny moments in one scene. This must be a record. Dopey's saying that his relationship with Chickenhead is "good, really good," when Lucy walks in. Mary tells him, "Then go home. I have to talk to my sister." Dopey leaves the room. Someone better warn Annie to keep a close eye on the family silver until Dopey's all the way out of the house.
Surprise, surprise! Mary and Lucy make up.
Over at Sachiko's house, she is apologizing for treating RevCam and Henry rudely before. She talks about the bitterness she has felt in her heart since her brother was killed in the war. She is also ashamed about the desire she had to fit in and the embarrassment she's felt over being Japanese. Henry does a little reminiscing about his war days and concludes, "It was a terrible situation, but we didn't know the enormity of the injustice until we came back . . . at least the ones who were lucky enough to come back alive." He talks about devoting his life to helping others, and about the difficulties many veterans had with readjusting to the civilian world. I think it's kind of sad that the only emotionally moving dialogue I've ever heard on this show comes from non-Camdens. Unfortunately, RevCam chooses this moment to speak up. He starts spewing some sappy crap about how Sachiko has to forgive herself. He gives back her donation cheque and asks her to think it over. Henry asks Sachiko to dinner and she accepts. Sachiko makes a big show out of thanking RevCam, though personally, I don't think he's done very much except put her in touch with someone else who's actually helpful. But as long as RevCam thinks he's important, I guess that's all that matters. Walking away from Sachiko's house, he's deluded enough to leap in the air and click his heels together -- no, really -- and say, "I still got it!" Yeah, I'm so sure.
episode: Simon's friend sniffs glue!