The teaser for this episode is a work of art. While the music they stole from The Exorcist tinkles away in the background, the announcer intones solemnly that "Mary Camden will do . . . the unthinkable." I swear some WB promo producer must have been laughing hysterically while putting it together. After the usual upbeat welcoming message from RevCam, the episode begins.
Simon and his friends are roughhousing in the schoolyard. We're subjected to repeated belching and armpit-farting, treated in a way that makes you think the guys have just discovered both activities fifteen minutes ago. Never having been a thirteen-year-old boy myself, I have to ask Mr. Cate if this scene is in any way realistic. Um, no. Amidst all the hilarity, they suddenly employ the type of slo-mo camera technique that makes me think someone's about to get shot. Regrettably, no one does, but it's almost as bad, as Simon flips off his friends -- TWO-HANDED! He looks about as pleased with himself as if he'd just invented the cure for cancer. Okay, I read the previews, and I'd been waiting for this episode with a somewhat unbecoming glee, and now there they go, shooting their wad in the first thirty seconds of the show. Why would I bother watching the rest? Well, maybe to see the weirdly edited triple-take, complete with Psycho music, of Annie's reaction from where she sits watching in the car. Why is she there? I wonder briefly if her overprotectiveness has caused her to start hanging around the school, stalking her own children, but maybe she's just there to pick them up. Ruthie is with her, and she asks, "What does that finger thing mean anyway?" SuperMom is too dumbfounded to respond. Simon notices that both his mother and the school principal have caught his performance, and he looks chagrined, to say the least.
Back inside the school, Mary and the rest of the basketball team are sitting outside the gym, waiting for practice. The coach is holding a folder, and he asks if anyone knows what's inside it. Some basketball-related guesses are made that are not very interesting at all. Then one girl suggests, "The names and addresses of all the girls who won't go out with you?" The uproarious laughter that results makes me thankful once again that I never had the bonding experience of participating in any high-school team sports. It turns out Coach is holding their academic progress reports, which he has read "over and over and over." Life much, Coach? He natters on for some time about how the team has not heeded his warnings about bringing their grades up. His soothing voice and crappy dialogue cause me to doze off for a bit, but I do wake up in time to see him chain and padlock the gym. Until the team members improve their grades, the season is cancelled.
After the opening song that wants to think it's cool and the commercial break, we're back at school, where Lucy and some other goody-goodies are presiding over something called "Kennedy High School Court." Okay, does any high school actually do this? I can't imagine what planet you'd have to hail from in order to think that having students disciplining other students is even remotely a good idea. I mean, couldn't some of these kids be armed? The advisor calls up a teacher, Mr. Donnelly, and two students who are obviously a couple. The students start making out, and everyone watches for a while, until Mr. Donnelly puts a stop to it by sliding a file folder between the students' faces. The advisor bangs her gavel and declares them, "Guilty." It's obvious the writers are oh-so-in-touch with the youth of today. Anyway, I think it's supposed to be a comic moment. I keep waiting for all the students in the room to start coughing in unison while muttering, "Blow job," in an homage to Animal House, but unfortunately this moment never arrives. Instead the scene just lurches along uncomedically with a few more stereotypes about bad, non-Camden kids.
Dopey Matt walks into his apartment with Chickenhead. Roommate John is trying to study, but the upstairs neighbours are blaring the stereo. Dopey proclaims that he's "starving to death." He opens up the cupboard and the camera focuses in on some cleaning supplies. Why, I don't know, unless the camera operator is hoping, as am I, that Matt will assuage his hunger with some drain cleaner. The fridge is empty, but John has some gum on his desk, which Dopey and Chickenhead consume frenetically, in what makes for a very bizarre and pointless scene. John puts his earplugs back in, either to drown out the neighbours' music or because he's sick of talking to Dopey.
At the Camden Compound, SuperMom walks in the front door with Simon and Ruthie. Annie and Simon argue about the little show he put on in the schoolyard, and Simon tries to play it off as something which Annie can't understand because it's a "guy thing." He leaves. In comes Eric "RevCam" Camden, carrying the twins in a laundry basket. SuperMom looks at RevCam inquiringly, and he says, "Don't ask." Okay, I promise not to ask, but you have to promise not to tell. SuperMom launches into a diatribe about Simon, in which she keeps referring to him as "[RevCam's] son." I'm thinking that if she gets even more worked up about Mary's "unthinkable" act later, she may be the character to have a coronary. She stomps off, and we see that Simon has been listening in from the top of the stairs. He runs off, looking like he's about to cry, and against my better judgment, I feel kind of sorry for him.
Back at school, Mary is leaning against the "cool" electric van, playing with a basketball. Lucy walks up and interrogates her about why she's not at practice. Mary warns her to stop if she wants to get a ride home. Lucy asks how far away home is. Gee, I thought she was supposed to be the bright one. When Mary says, "Two or three miles," Lucy does this zipping-her-lip gesture, and they take off. This scene wouldn't have even been worth mentioning if it weren't for the fact that it reveals that Lucy does that dumb "school court" thing every afternoon!
Dopey is back at his apartment, sans Chickenhead or John. He pulls at his hair to show that, in this scene, his motivation is "frustration." He looks frantically through his dresser, which contains a single gym sock. Then he starts picking out shirts from his laundry hamper and sniffing them, looking about as revolted as I must have while watching this. After seeing that the laundry detergent bottle is empty, he picks up a can of furniture polish, sprays some into the air and, in a beautiful display of interpretive dance, waves his shirts through the mist. Okay, I don't know what's weirder: that Matt would be putting furniture polish on his shirts or that two university students would even own furniture polish.
Simon's in his room at the Compound, reading Smart Money magazine. Ooh, quirky! RevCam comes in for a chat. Simon reveals that his flipping of the bird "just happened," and RevCam says he understands. This scene is actually handled quite nicely, despite RevCam's rhapsodizing about how great it is "hanging out with the guys." He redeems himself, however, by pointing out that "a lot of guys do really stupid things when they're with other guys," and encouraging Simon to think for himself. He also tells Simon he's grounded for the weekend. RevCam leaves after saying that he and SuperMom love Simon. Then they have to go and wreck the scene by having Simon say, to himself, "If Mom loves me so much, then how come I'm not her son anymore?" Oh, no, it's another of those annoying mother-son miscommunication subplots that I can't be bothered to care about. Happy still looks like she's wishing her agent would get her on a better show.
Downstairs, SuperMom and Ruthie are feeding the twins when Dopey walks in. SuperMom asks him why he smells like furniture polish, and he nervously replies that he doesn't smell anything. Because they just can't leave a bad joke alone without hammering it mercilessly into the ground, RevCam also asks him why he smells so "lemony fresh." Suddenly the TV turns on. Was it a poltergeist? Because I didn't hear any TV during the rest of this scene. Now, this is going to require a superhuman effort on your part to suspend your disbelief, so I hope you're up to the task. The TV has turned itself on just in time for a special news bulletin on "a decision that has taken the whole community by surprise." With a buildup like that, you'd think said decision would be in reference to an issue that someone might actually care about, but instead they're talking about the basketball team lockout. It's hard to hear what the announcer is saying over Mr. Cate's gales of laughter and my retching. Various Camdens wander in to listen to the end of the Very Important News Bulletin. Everyone stares at Mary for a while, and RevCam says to her, "Hi, how was your day?"
Ruthie convinces Simon to go downstairs to see what's going to happen to Mary now. He claims he's just being supportive. I guess no Camden's day is complete unless some meddling occurs.
Mary is filled with righteous indignation as she tries to drum up some sympathy from the family. Lucy offers, "I'm not sure what the legal precedent is. We've never come across anything like that in 'court' either." Is there anyone on earth who cares about what Lucy and her stupid student court have to say about anything? No, I didn't think so. For once, Mary brings up a good point by worrying about her basketball scholarship. Simon asks why the Coach locked out the team. Everyone stares at Mary expectantly until SuperMom shoos them out of the room. They all look so sad that they won't be able to share in every single moment of one of their sibling's lives. As they're leaving, Simon brings up the furniture-polish joke again. Mary admits to her parents that she heard the coach made his decision because some of the team members' grades were slipping, but she lies and says she doesn't know if she is one of the underachievers in question. SuperMom vows to talk to the coach, and Mary leaves. SuperMom tells RevCam she doesn't think they can afford to send Mary to college without scholarship help. He responds, very ominously, "No, no, we can't." The music swells dramatically in an attempt to make us care whether or not Mary gets to go to college. I'd say the music is fighting a losing battle.
Warning: what's coming up is awfully cutesy, even for 7th Heaven. Simon is grousing about not being able to hang with the guys. Ruthie says he could hang out with her instead. Well, Ruthie, there are lots of things Simon could do. I mean, he could poke his eyes out with red-hot knitting needles, but I can't imagine he'd want to do that any more than he'd want to hang with you. ["I can. Pass the Bunsen burner." -- Sars] Simon goes on to talk about his chest hair, and I do mean "chest hair," singular. Fortunately, he shows it only to Ruthie, not to the viewership at large. He tries to tell Ruthie that some of the stuff he does with the guys "would probably make [her] throw up." He demonstrates with a little armpit-farting. She tells him -- sorry, I just have to compose myself here before I can carry on. Okay, she tells him she "doesn't have to do the fake kind." Happy yelps in protest and runs off, presumably to tell her agent she's decided to take the cheap dog-food commercial after all if it will just get her off this show.
Good heavens, Dopey is lecturing Mary about responsibility! He says, "What kind of disciplined, mature person decides to coast through their senior year?" Um, wouldn't that be most people? Mary mocks his inability to obtain a scholarship and asks, "How many times do I have to hear this stuff from you?" He replies, "Until you get it right." I'm expecting that now Mary will finally do that "unthinkable" thing from the teaser by killing Matt slowly and painfully, but she just settles for pushing him out of her room.
The scene, between RevCam and Lucy, would be quite sweet if it weren't for the fact that they're discussing her dumb-ass "student court." He makes the supreme sacrifice by asking her about it, thereby opening the floodgates to her stupid babbling. She claims that being a part of student court feels important. She doesn't mention anything about being a total loser. RevCam tries to compare Lucy's student-court experience to his own job, saying that he helps people gain new perspectives. He manages, without sniggering, to ask Lucy if she's helped anyone gain some perspective. I translate this to mean that since the essence of a Camden's existence is to meddle in other people's business all the livelong day, you'd think occasionally they'd score a hit. Lucy isn't sure if her incredibly meaningful work on the student court has helped anyone. RevCam finishes the pep talk. The director must've nodded off again, because the camera catches the actress who plays Lucy rolling her eyes, presumably in disgust over having to pretend to take this whole student court thing seriously.
Matt is bending over, searching through a closet in the hallway, when Ruthie comes along and slaps him on the ass. Okay, that's not bizarre or anything. She showcases her belching talents and then asks him, "What does this finger thing mean?" She's about to flip him the bird, but it's hard to tell from my tape if she's actually doing it or not because it goes by so quickly. We're treated to another one of those weirdly edited triple-take reactions from Matt, which gives me hope that the show's creators actually have a sense of humour about themselves. Nah. Matt scoops Ruthie up and carries her down the hall to Simon's room, where he throws her on the bed (okay, it's not like he joins her there or anything) and starts lecturing Simon about The Finger. At first I want to poke Dopey’s eyes out, but he's actually somewhat cool about it, just saying that Simon should have "scoped things out first" before flipping anyone off. Unfortunately, he then launches into a speech about what it means to be a man. I'd always thought being a meddlesome busybody was just an annoying personality flaw, but Matt informs us it's part of being a man. Simon busts on Matt for ruining his childhood and says that the time he thinks of doing something "fun" like spitting on his friends, said fun will be ruined because Simon will realize that it's stupid. Um, Simon, you're thirteen, and you still think it's fun to spit on your friends? Believe me, Dopey's doing you a favour. Nonetheless, Dopey feels guilty and invites Simon to join him in spending some quality guy time with Dopey's friends. We learn that in the 7th Heaven universe, armpit-farting is known as "honking." Matt criticizes Simon's "honking" technique and leaves the room, "honking" all the way, like the big, stupid moron that he is. I've just about had it with the armpit-farting myself, but the sound effects still crack me up, because they always sound exactly the same, and I'm imagining the sound effects people being told to come up with something that sounds sort of like flatulence but not enough so that the tender sensibilities of the viewers will be offended.
Happy's chat with her agent must not have gone very well, because she's still on the show, looking more dejected than ever.
Annie is asking RevCam if he thinks that she can't understand "guy stuff" because she's not a guy. RevCam goes all Men Are From Mars on her by saying, "Well, guys are wired differently." I wait for him to start talking about his "plumbing" , but he doesn't get around to that. Instead, he comes up with one of the strangest sentences I have ever heard: "Matt doesn't seem to have suffered because he was raised by a dad and a mom who wasn't a guy, instead of by a dad and a guy." I just don't know what to make of that. Either his last dose of acid is just kicking in or it's a roundabout dig at gay couples who adopt kids. Whatever he means, I'm sure Mike Brady couldn't have phrased it better. The phone rings and SuperMom answers it. I love it when a character takes a ten-second phone call on a television show and then the onscreen actor needs five times as long to relay all the information she allegedly just received over the phone. Who were you talking to anyway, Annie, an auctioneer? No, just Ms. Russell from the high school. We learn that the basketball coach had to take his phone off the hook because of the avalanche of calls he's received (uh-huh, I'm buying that) and that there will be a group meeting to discuss the whole issue the day. What. Ever. Mary leaves and Dopey comes in, asking to spend the night at the Compound. He needs the peace and quiet to "think." Dude, I'd have thought a brain would be a prerequisite too. But don't let me bring you down, Matty. He mentions that he might be moving back home. The background music lilts playfully to tell us that Mom and Dad are less than thrilled with that particular prospect.
In the school principal's office, RevCam and SuperMom are discussing Simon's hand gesture. The principal tells them it falls under the category of "harassing, gang or indecent gestures," and is punishable by three days' suspension. That sounds a little harsh to me, and the 'rents agree. Unfortunately, SuperMom bases her argument on how great her pwecious little Simon is, which, understandably, doesn't win anyone over. The principal makes a last-ditch effort to appeal to RevCam, but he backs up Annie and walks out.
In the minivan, SuperMom asks Simon if he's okay. When he doesn't answer, she tries to comfort him, saying, "If nothing else, we'll have three days of quality time." Hey, Annie, don't you think Simon's been punished enough already? Uh-oh, here come the waterworks. Simon is upset because of that conversation he overheard where SuperMom kept referring to him as RevCam's son. He thinks she doesn't want him. RevCam tactfully goes off to admire the minivan's tires for a while, and SuperMom gives a very nice speech about how much she loves Simon and how special he is. She also gives a more rational opinion of The Finger than I would have expected. She calls the gesture "ordinary," and says, "It's like the people who use that gesture aren't smart or clever enough to think of something better to do." I hate to say it, but she does have a point. Then again, the Christmas shopping season is almost upon us, and I just know I'm gonna forget all about her little speech the time someone cuts me off for a parking space at the mall.
Inside the high school, Mary talks to a couple of boy basketball players who tell her that the basketball league rules only require a minimum GPA. Mary resolves to get a copy of the league's bylaws. I resolve to start drinking caffeine again to help me stay awake during scenes like this.
Lucy and two of her dweeb friends are walking down the hall discussing -- what else, the stupid basketball lockout that the whole community allegedly thinks is such big news. The dweebs offer some rumours which are so stupid that I refuse to type them out. Lucy swears the dweebs to secrecy and says that the lockout happened because of low grades. I'm happy to see that the dweebs get right to work on passing along the gossip as soon as Lucy leaves. By the way, after the last episode, which was the first I'd ever seen, I liked Lucy, and I mentioned that in the forum here. I'd like to take this opportunity to officially retract that statement.
Oh, hey, it's time for the Dopey and Chickenhead Show. Dopey gives one of the most annoying speeches I have ever heard, the whole point being that various members of his family are experiencing problems and that Dopey thinks he's important enough to make a difference in their lives. Whatever. I mean, really, could he be any dumber? When John comes in, Dopey tells him he may be moving back home again. John gets pissed because he can't carry the rent alone, and he stalks out. Dopey tells Chickenhead that if he moves back home, it's just to help out his parents. I say it's because he's too stupid to survive on his own. I suspect that's what Chickenhead's thinking also, but she's more polite than I am.
In front of the high school, Mary is telling a bunch of her teammates that the basketball league only requires team members to have a GPA of 2.0 to be eligible to play. Well, I guess that means Dopey won't be joining a basketball team any time soon. The other team members just stand around looking pleased but don't actually say anything; I assume it's so the producers won't have to pay them as much. Coach Cleary walks by them and Gale Weathers is trying to get him to make a statement. Wait, my mistake, it's just that newscaster nobody from before. She bears a slight resemblance to Kathie Lee Gifford and is unfortunate enough to play a part modeled almost exactly on Courtney Cox Arquette's in the Scream franchise. Except in Scream, Gale was pursuing a story which might actually interest more than two people. The poor man's Gale is named Carrie Chadwick, and she tries to suck up to the basketball team to get the inside non-story from them.
Back at the Compound, RevCam and SuperMom are leaving for the big basketball meeting. Amazingly, Lucy, Simon and Ruthie are not going with them. There is no point to this scene, and it has more armpit-"honking" than dialogue.
The meeting is about to start in the gym, and a whole bunch of students, who must have better things to do with their time, are standing at the door, trying to listen in. Oh, man, it's that Carrie Chadwick reporter character again. She offers Lucy's dweeby friend ten bucks for his spot at the front of the doorway. Wow, check out the corruption in the high-stakes world of local journalism! Carrie takes his place in the doorway and starts taking notes before Ms. Russell even introduces Coach Cleary. Coach starts nattering on about academics again, stressing what a loser he is because of all the time he spends monitoring the girls' grades. He's passed out the students' academic reports, and RevCam comments on Mary's slipping grades. Some parents rank on the coach for a bit, and Ms. Russell announces that she and the athletic director will stand by Coach Cleary's decision. Oh, no, it's time for RevCam's soliloquy. He praises Mary's determination to play basketball. Then he praises his and SuperMom's dedication to Mary's determination to play basketball. Then he does a 180 and starts humiliating Mary in front of all her peers and their parents by asking her about her grades and about whether Coach Cleary had warned the team about the consequences of slipping grades. Since everything having to do with basketball is so damn important on this show, I guess this is one of those decisions that has to be made by the man of the household, because without even consulting with SuperMom, RevCam announces that his family will abide by the lockout.
At the Camden Compound, Simon and Ruthie are discussing the fact that everything is so quiet -- Mary's not yelling or slamming doors. They both agree that this is "not good at all." Simon says he has an idea. I venture to guess it is "not good at all." I am right. He grabs both parts of the twins' baby monitor, which, for plot-furthering purposes, are sitting on a dresser rather than, say, being used to monitor the babies. He ties the broadcasting part of the monitor to Happy's neck with a bandanna and tells Happy to go upstairs. Amazingly, Happy does just that, going right over to Mary, who's on the phone with one of her teammates. Happy just sits there looking bored, the antenna of the monitor very obviously sticking out of her bandanna, while Simon and Ruthie listen in on Mary's half of the phone conversation. They hear Mary say something about her friend's suggestion being "a little extreme," and in true Camden spirit, they think this is actually any of their business. They're discussing whether to share their ill-gotten knowledge with their parents when Dopey shouts up to them that it's time to go watch the game.
They run down to the front door, where Simon says he'll bet some money on the game for RevCam. RevCam has no objection. Let's see, lewd hand gestures are cause for serious alarm but gambling is no problem whatsoever? Nice value system, SuperParents. Ruthie declares that she wants to go along and Simon tries to stop her. SuperMom suggests Ruthie stay home and do something with Lucy and SuperMom instead. Ruthie says, "Kill me," which is a pretty funny line on many levels. Dopey agrees that Ruthie can come along and Ruthie launches into some of her Adorable Demon Urchin shtick that we could all do without. She leaves before it gets too bad, though.
Mary asks the 'rents if she can grab a bite to eat with her friends. They let her go. SuperMom asks RevCam if they did the right thing, and he reassures her in a very manly fashion.
Down at Eddie's Pool Hall, members of the girls' basketball team are bitching about Coach Cleary again. One girl declares, "This whole thing makes me nuts. I just want to go over to the gym and . . ." Aw, man, just go and do "the unthinkable" already! The fake suspense is really working my nerves.
RevCam and SuperMom are hinting to each other that they don't want Matt to move back home. Speak of the, er, devil, here comes Dopey, with Simon and Ruthie in tow. Dopey's friends kicked them out because they couldn't take Ruthie's incessant "honking." SuperMom gives a very odd little speech, which I will reproduce in its entirety for your entertainment: "You know how we feel about burping, sneezing on each other or each other's food, spitting, or anything to do with your or anybody else's nose, or pretty much anything that comes out of your head, and yes, honking." The fact that Ruthie starts talking about apologizing for "accidents" leads me to believe that perhaps her "honking" was not facilitated by her armpit. In any case, I'm happy to see her leave.
Mary and her teammates pile out of a car and run up some stairs to the high school gym. As to why the door to the gym is unlocked, your guess is as good as mine.
RevCam and SuperMom talk about their kids some more, and Annie says, "There comes a point in life where you have to throw them out into the world and pray." She suggests that they may have thrown Mary too far.
What good is foreshadowing if it comes immediately before the event it foreshadows? We cut to the high school, where Mary and the gals are vandalizing the gym. The spray-painting is kind of severe, but the rest of the vandalism seems to consist of emptying some trash cans and festooning the place with toilet paper. Ooh, what a bunch of hell-raisers! For a star basketball player, Mary is a pretty lousy shot, as she throws some TP at the basket and misses it entirely. I am grateful when this scene is cut short by a disembodied voice announcing that the girls are under arrest.
I regret to inform you, however, that there is a Part Two to this Very Special Episode.