RevCam feeds the twins with great gusto. The twins, however, remain unimpressed by his very original spoon-as-plane method of food distribution. Annie, her face covered in oil smudges, enters and announces that the Meals on Wheels van has done died, and all efforts at resuscitation have done failed. This is bad for the Camdens, because they've been using the MoW van as an extra family car, which is all sorts of wrong, especially because, now that the van's broken down, due in part to the Camdens' unauthorized use of it, people will go hungry. But who cares about the less fortunate when the CamPound only has one minivan for its three licensed drivers and eight occupants? RevCam predicts that when he goes back to work, there will be transportation problems. Annie agrees that they need another car, and says they shouldn't have any problem affording one since they have insurance money from their station wagon, which was wrecked last season when a drunk Corbin Bernsen smashed into it. Unfortunately, no Camdens were injured. RevCam points out that that money is only enough for another old beat-up station wagon, and I guess that's not good enough for RevCam, even though he runs a household with seven kids on only one income, so you'd think he would have gotten used to scrimping and saving by now. RevCam adds that they also have to account for the fact that their insurance premiums have gone up since the accident, which is strange, because I was under the impression that insurance premiums only increase if an accident is your fault. Then again, I didn't get into any car accidents this year, my fault or otherwise, and my premiums still went up. RevCam says their only hope for a new car is that he gets his annual raise. He's worried he won't get it, even though he's gotten it every year in the past. Annie tells RevCam that if the raise is so important, he should just go to the church and tell the deacons that, which is a terrible idea that RevCam is smart to nix immediately.
Ruthie runs downstairs and unadorably (my spellchecker tells me that this is not a word, and asks me if I meant to write "unfavorably" or "unendurably," both of which work here) asks what's going on. Annie says they're getting a new car; then Catherine Hicks shows us just how she was nominated for an Emmy (not for this show) by doing some really subtle, nuanced, totally not over-the-top acting by raising her eyebrows into her hairline, cocking her head so it's perpendicular to her neck, and gaping widely. Hmmm...I think she's trying to convey that she has an idea. "I have an idea!" she says. Woo hoo! Ten points for me! Annie suggests that RevCam and Ruthie go shop for the family car together, even though RevCam knows jack-diddly about cars and Ruthie is Ruthie. I believe we would put that in the "bad" idea category. But Ruthie really wants to do it, mainly because SamVid won't be coming along. "Not that I don't dearly love them," Ruthie says with a very frightening, very evil edge to her voice. RevCam tries to get out of the whole thing, claiming that he can't be in charge of buying something he knows nothing about, but we all know the real reason is that he doesn't want to be alone with Ruthie. Finally, RevCam agrees to go car-shopping with Ruthie after school. He asks Annie how much they can spend, which she answers by writing a figure down on a piece of paper and showing it to him. She also shows it to Ruthie, which kind of negates the purpose of writing it down in the first place. Ruthie, who saw the figure, pronounces it a large sum indeed, but RevCam's not quite so thrilled. Ruthie runs upstairs to steal some car magazines from Simon. "First you have to get ready for school!" says Annie, and her nagging takes us into the theme song.
For our Opening Credits Timewaster, Matt mops the hospital cafeteria floor. One problem: the cafeteria is bustling with people, and he isn't using a "Caution Wet Floor" sign. The saddest thing is that, by the end of this episode, Matt will have done at least ten things stupider than this. Here's one right now: Dopey bumps into a lady holding a coffee, and it splashes on the floor. Despite the fact that she's probably in a great deal of pain from having boiling hot liquid splashed all over her hand, the woman does not yell at Dopey, nor does she demand that he pay for a new coffee. But Matt's still all pissed off anyway, because now he has to do his job and mop up the spill. Because it would be so much better if someone else had to mop up the mess you caused, right, Matt? I forgot how much Matt sucks in the fourth season. John runs up, looking much happier than he should when you consider the fact that he's wearing a vest over a Hanes white t-shirt, and thanks Matt for getting him an interview at the hospital: he's been offered a job managing the hospital's sound system. "From the cafeteria to the OR!" he says. Yeah, awesome job, John! You get to choose from tens of muzak selections, all of which totally suck. Dopey pretends to be happy for John until his boss comes in and orders Matt to clean up a "Jell-O spill." "Duty sucks," Matt whines, handing his mop to John.
Mary and Lucy use their shared brain cell to figure out furniture placement in their new attic room. When they're done, the bed is smack in the middle of the room, which is probably the worst place they could have put it except for precariously balanced on the windowsill. Although in my opinion, that would be the best place, because the end result would be one of the girls plummeting to her death in her sleep. I hope it's Lucy, both because I know how awful she gets in later seasons and because she's wearing gigantic curlers in her hair right now. Hold your horses, Lucy: your transformation to '50s housewife won't be complete until Season Seven. Mary says there's only one problem with the new room: she has to share it with Lucy. More importantly, it's far away from the bathroom. But Mary has a solution. "I'm not stupid," she insists, then immediately contradicts her assertion by telling us that her plan is to "drill" a hole in the floor above the bathroom and install a fireman's pole. They're going to need a pretty big drill bit to make a hole to fit not only the pole, but also the people sliding down it. I'm sure Home Depot sells five-foot-diameter bits, though. Lucy has a better plan: they'll build a bathroom in the attic. Mary thinks that plan is great. "Me brains, you brawn," Lucy says. More like "you brawn, me have nothing valuable to offer." Mary tells Lucy to use her alleged brains to convince the CamRents to let them build their own bathroom.
And now we're in Simon's room, where a random friend of his is explaining that he has something to show Simon that's such a big deal, he woke up an hour early to be able to show it to Simon before school. And what is it? A notebook the friend found on bus with Simon's name written inside, surrounded by hearts. All over every page. "Do you know whose book this is?" Simon asks. I'm guessing it belongs to someone who has bad taste. Oh, and who's blind. And deaf. And stupid. Turns out the lucky notebook-owner is one "Beth Bagley." "Beth Bagley"? Ah, another astonishing abundance of alliteration. Do you think Friend's full name is Friend Frienderson? I do. Friend asks Simon what he's going to do; Simon says he'll return the notebook to Beth and hope that's the end of it. Um, and just why does Simon have to return the book? He wasn't the loser who found it and then woke up an hour early to show it to his friend. Oh, that's right -- this is the writer's pathetic excuse for a storyline for Simon. Well played, writers. Well played.
Meanwhile, Lucy and Mary, after probably getting lost on the staircase, have finally made their way down to the kitchen and told the CamRents their bathroom plan. Annie is a little too thrilled: "A bathroom?! I think that's a GREAT idea!!!" Can someone please give this poor woman a hobby? Practical patriarch RevCam is concerned that a bathroom will cost money. Annie says that they'll make the bathroom themselves, so it will cost "PRACTICALLY nothing!" She says all they'll have to pay for are the fixtures, and toilets only cost forty dollars. Yeah, and you can find those forty-dollar toilets right to the five-foot drill bits in aisle No Way at your local Home Depot. RevCam agrees to let the girls build a bathroom as long as they know what they're doing, which they don't, and the girls kiss their mother and take off for school. Annie sighs in contentment, because she feeds off of that kind of validation. "Do you know how long it's been since I've sawed into a good piece of wood?" she asks RevCam. "Sometimes I forget how little it takes to make you happy," he responds. Oh...oh, my. There are a lot of possible jokes here, but they're all very graphic and immoral, so I'll just keep them here, in my head.
Matt grabs a patient's empty lunch tray and puts it on the lunch disposal cart. As he slides it on, he knocks another tray off the cart and onto the floor. Matt gets all pissed off as he cleans the dishes and food off the floor, just like Paul Rudd in Wet Hot American Summer, except negative funny to the infinityth power. Matt tries to stand up, but he can't even do that right and hits his head on a table. He starts screaming about how much he hates his job. Out of nowhere, a voice asks Matt if he hates his job. It's Josh Ryan Evans, better known as Timmy from Passions, and he's been hiding under his blanket the whole time. Matt asks him what's he in there for, and Timmy says that the same thing that makes him short (Josh Ryan Evans had achondroplasia) also puts him in the hospital occasionally. Matt asks if he can do anything for Timmy. No, says Timmy, but maybe he can help Matt. He asks Matt what he was so upset about. Matt whines that he hates his job and he hates cleaning up hospital food, and he's especially pissed because his roommate just got a better job. Timmy says that Matt is jealous, and tells Matt that he should climb a tree. Timmy says it will give him a "whole new perspective." At this, Matt rudely checks his watch, which Timmy notices. He dismisses Matt from his room, but says that Matt can stop by anytime because Timmy "loves people with problems."
Simon finds Beth at school and gives her back her notebook. He tells her that he didn't read the notebook and has no idea what's in it. Then he tries to take off, but Beth calls him back and asks him why he's acting so nervous. Simon says that he isn't nervous, and he won't tell anyone about Beth's notebook, and he especially won't tell anyone that there may or may not be someone's name written in it. Simon's an idiot, but he's still not as stupid as Matt. "You must have the biggest ego in the world," Beth says, adding that Simon obviously looked through her notebook and saw his name, and assumed Beth was writing about him. She points out that while Simon's first name is in the book, his last name isn't. She tells Simon that she won't tell anyone the embarrassing story of how Simon assumed she liked him.
Matt is back in Timmy's room, getting valuable career advice. Timmy tells Matt that if he hates his job so much, he should just go to Human Resources and "demand" a job "better suited" to his abilities. Unless there's a position that requires not washing one's hair, I think Matt's out of luck there. Matt says he's not very assertive, because this storyline has to parallel the one with RevCam not wanting to ask the deacons about his raise. Timmy asks Matt what his goals in life are, and if his current job will help him accomplish them. It turns out that Matt doesn't have any goals. He wants to help people, and that's about it. Timmy says he likes to help people, too, and they should call themselves Batman and Robin and help people together. For some reason, Matt finds this hilarious, and the two engage in forced laughter for a while. It kills about five minutes. As the Flute of Helpful Disadvantaged People plays, Matt says that every time he talks to Timmy, he feels like he's talking to a "Zen Master." Timmy says that the Zen Master demands that Matt climb a tree. This makes them both laugh and laugh. Wow, this is like the most boring inspirational person storyline this show has ever aired. And that's saying a lot.
RevCam packs up his office for the day, promising Ruthie that they'll soon be car shopping. Lou stops by and asks if RevCam needs anything. "Aren't you going to ask him about your raise?" Ruthie asks her father. Instead of throwing Ruthie into his desk drawer and locking it shut, RevCam proceeds to make his case by saying that the Camdens have had some "big expenses" this year, like hospital bills and individual pints of gourmet ice cream. Instead of looking completely embarrassed for RevCam, who kind of just begged for money in front of his daughter, Lou says that the raise is automatic and there shouldn't be any problem. The church has plenty of money from its smart property investments. I'll bet they had a lot more money before Lou embezzled it.
Ew, it's Deena. I forgot that she existed, and I was a happier person. Deena tells Simon that Beth totally has a crush on Simon and just didn't admit it before because she was embarrassed. If I had a crush on Simon, I'd be pretty embarrassed too. Really, I don't know how Deena shows her face in public. Simon says that Beth didn't seem very embarrassed to him. Deena says that Simon needs to let Beth down gently, and become friends with her. She thinks that "just friends" will be good enough for Beth. Well, that's a stupid theory. For someone who claims to know so much about women, Deena's pretty clueless. And boring. Let's leave this scene now.
Annie, Mary, and Lucy do an inventory of their tools. Hammer? Check! Screwdriver? Check! All male members of the Camden family? Check. Mary doesn't know anything about tools and feels left out. Maybe people would want to include her if she wasn't wearing her bandanna like a do-rag.
Matt's in the HR office. He very professionally slouches in the chair as he asks the HR lady about the lab assistant opening he heard about. HR lady asks Matt if he even knows what a lab assistant does. He says all he knows is that it doesn't involve food. Except that it totally does. Only this time, the food has been digested and expelled from the body and smeared onto a plate. Or perhaps stored in a seventy-two-hour collection bucket. Yeah, lab assistant is a much less disgusting job than cafeteria worker. Jackass. HR lady tells Matt that she knows he's overqualified for his current position, but she recently received a letter from a patient begging for Matt to get a better job at the hospital. And HR lady doesn't take kindly to Matt telling patients he hates his job. "Who wrote the note?" Matt asks. Well, duh.
Ruthie and RevCam check out the cars. As RevCam checks out a bright red convertible, a salesman sidles up to him. He offers to let RevCam give it a test-drive, even though RevCam has no intention of buying it.
Mary tosses a Koosh ball around while Lucy and Annie do some hard work. Remember when Annie and Lucy were sort of good at stuff? Mary gets sick of being ignored and left out, so she goes downstairs. On her way out of the room, she sees Annie and Lucy laughing. Because building stuff is funny!
Simon calls Beth and invites her over to his house. She's bitchy about it, but she agrees. Happy barks, and it's the most exciting thing that has happened in this episode so far.
RevCam and Ruthie burn some rubber in the red convertible. At some point, they acquired sunglasses. That's cute. Not.
Lou and the Deacons leave a very productive meeting. You know this because Lou says, "That was a very productive meeting." Then, "We can certainly be proud of ourselves for the restraint and fiscal responsibility we've shown." Yeah, Lou, you showed real restraint and fiscal responsibility WHEN YOU EMBEZZLED FROM THE CHURCH FUND IN THE SECOND SEASON. Suddenly RevCam speeds by in the convertible, and a particularly sharp-eyed deacon sees him. He asks Lou when RevCam bought a hot new car. Lou says the deacon must be mistaken, but then RevCam drives by again. "Very nice car, Eric," Lou says to the Piano of Impending Commercial Break.
Ruthie talks to Simon about cars. She has yet to find a car for the family that "speaks" to her. Well, there's only one KITT, Ruthie, and it already has a driver. It had a twin, but it exploded. So you'll just have to settle for something else. Ruthie explains that she wants a car that's economical, good-looking, and will take her everywhere in style. "Are you sure you're not looking for a husband?" Simon asks. "Not for another three years!" Ruthie says. Simon tells Ruthie that Annie probably didn't expect Ruthie to pick out a good car for the family, which earns him a bop on the head with the rolled-up magazine. Ruthie's abusive.
The morning, Lou comes to visit. He tells Eric he needs to talk to him before the board meeting about what RevCam's been driving around in lately. This isn't really made clear, but RevCam thinks Lou is talking about how his family has been stealing the church's Meals on Wheels van, while Lou thinks that RevCam just bought a fancy red convertible. Signals are mixed all over the place, and Lou promises to do whatever he can to "smooth things over" with the board at the meeting. RevCam is confused, but not enough to ask Lou what needs to be smoothed over. RevCam takes off to tend to the crying twins, and Lou sees himself out of the house. He runs into some delivery men, who are bringing the new bathroom supplies. "A new car and remodeling?" Lou says to himself. Lou is a lonely man.
Ruthie, still clutching her precious car magazine, and Mary, still sporting her stupid bandanna do-rag, talk about needing support in their various endeavors. Mary leaves to bring some surprise iced tea to Annie and Lucy. She's glad that she's finally found a way to contribute to the bathroom construction process.
Annie and Lucy talk about Annie's high school boyfriends. Lucy loves it, but I certainly wouldn't like to hear about my mother's old boyfriends. As far as I'm concerned, if they came before my father, they aren't real people. So, sorry, Samuel Himmelfarbensteinowitzberg, but you're just a figment of my grandmother's kooky imagination. Lucy asks Annie if she's ever told RevCam about her ex-boyfriends. Annie says that her boyfriends are "ancient history." I'll bet. When Annie's boyfriends weren't hunting for the tribe's food, they were painting on the walls of their cave or using rudimentary stone tools to make clothing out of animal skins. Mary silently comes up with the iced teas, only to hear Annie and Lucy say that they don't need her around. Mary turns around and leaves with the iced teas, which really isn't fair because no one said they didn't need any iced teas.
John finds Matt mopping a hallway and asks him what's wrong. Matt tells him about how Timmy screwed him over with the lab assistant job. But Matt says that he's angrier at himself than he is at Timmy. John and Matt leave, and we see that Timmy was behind a doorway and heard everything Matt said.
Simon offers Beth a wide variety of beverages, but she rejects them all. Simon has run out of things to do with Beth, so he tries to inflict her on his sisters, but they aren't around. Beth says she's going home because it's very apparent that she and Simon aren't going to be friends. "You don't even like me," she says. "I do like you," Simon responds, trying to make her feel better. Beth's face lights up and she hugs Simon, then runs home to tell her mother. If you weren't sure if Beth was pathetically lame before when she wrote Simon's name in her notebook, you should be convinced that she is now.
RevCam tells Annie that the board just called and asked to see records of all of the CamExpenses in the last year. Guess what's not on that list? That's right: condoms. Annie thinks the audit is a good thing because then the deacons will see how little money they have and are sure to give him a raise. They're also sure to give RevCam a raise because IT'S AN AUTOMATIC RAISE, but whatever. Annie hands the twins off to RevCam to work on the bathroom again. She'd rather install plumbing than spend time with the twins. Mother of the year!
Night has fallen in the CamPound. Ruthie asks Annie if she's only letting Ruthie and RevCam buy the new car because she wants RevCam out of the house. Annie says that's ridiculous; she's doing it to get Ruthie out of the house. Actually, she says she really wants RevCam to pick out a car, and she wants Ruthie and RevCam to spend some time together. Ruthie asks Annie what she's doing; Annie says she's adding up the family's receipts to show the deacons. Ruthie asks why RevCam doesn't handle the receipts since it's his raise, but Annie explains that she's a good little housewife, and this is what good little housewives do while their big strong husbands work and bring home money. Ruthie asks exactly what her father even does at his job besides give sermons, which he only does once or twice a season as it is. Annie explains that RevCam does many things, all of which involve a complete and utter failure to mind his own damn business.
There's a knock the HR lady's door. Timmy enters, and HR lady, who totally knows who he is even though HR people rarely have contact with hospital patients, asks him what's up. Timmy says that there's been a mistake. ["Also, if Timmy's well enough to stroll around the hospital eavesdropping and taking meetings with the personnel office, why don't they just...release him? Oh, yeah. Insane Hampton logic." -- Sars]
Junior high. At Deena's urging, Simon tells Beth that he "phrased things" wrong the other day, and he has a girlfriend. Beth says she may have doodled Simon's name in a notebook, but that doesn't mean she can't accept reality. She knows Simon's dating Deena and she isn't stupid. Then what was that whole "I'm telling my mother!" thing about? Suddenly, Beth drops two notebooks, and Simon picks them up for her, being sure to catch a glimpse of their contents because he is, after all, a Camden. They're filled with other boys' names. Beth tells Simon he's not the only boy in their school. Simon says he doesn't think he can handle being friends with a girl at this point in his life. Beth says she really wants a boyfriend. "I'm sure the right guy will come along," Simon says totally realistically. He takes off and meets up with Deena, who's all proud of herself for solving this problem. Except for the fact that she created the problem in the first place. Shut up, Deena.
Friend Frienderson goes up to his locker, which happens to be to Beth's. She closes her locker and leaves, being sure to toss a notebook over her shoulder as she goes. Friend picks the notebook up, and notices that his name is doodled inside it, along with the requisite hearts. What a slut Beth is! She'll write ANYONE'S name in her notebook. Friend is delighted, even though he knows that Beth had a crush on Simon only yesterday. Aw, I love it when two exceptionally pathetic people find love with each other.
HR lady finds Matt sitting down to lunch and asks him how his job's going. He says it's been great, and he's sorry if he sounded ungrateful before. HR lady says she talked to Timmy last night and that Timmy wanted to make sure everything was "in order" before his surgery today, in case anything went wrong. What makes this especially sad is that Josh Ryan Evans ended up dying from complications during surgery only three years later. HR lady tells Matt that she "might" reconsider him for the right job. Matt shows how much he cares about this by walking away from HR lady with a curt "thanks." He has to "see a friend. A really good friend." Whose surgery he totally forgot about.
Matt rudely grabs a random nurse's arm and asks if Timmy came through the surgery okay. She says he did, but he's still asleep. Matt says something about Timmy and climbing trees, and Nurse informs Matt that Timmy is always telling people to climb trees, which he himself can't do because of his medical problems. Nurse explains that Timmy is especially fond of the tree right outside his hospital room window. Matt nods cluelessly. Nurse repeats that there is a tree outside Timmy's window. Matt stops nodding and stares at Nurse. Finally he gets it and jogs away. "Ha ha ha!" laughs Nurse. "Zzzzz," says Sara M.
Lucy and Annie coo over the newly-delivered toilet. Mary doesn't get the excitement, because sometimes she's almost like a normal, sane person. Mary leaves the room in a huff, and Annie leaves Lucy checking out the toilet's inner workings to talk to her eldest daughter. First she runs into RevCam, who tells her that his automatic raise has been turned down. "No!" says Annie. "Yes," says RevCam. Annie wants to know why, but RevCam has no idea. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that one of the deacons is a KNOWN EMBEZZLER. RevCam says that they are done car shopping. Oh, darn, and that storyline was so thrilling, too. RevCam leaves to break the news to Ruthie that their time together is over. "At least one good thing came from not getting this raise," he does not say. RevCam and Annie leave, and the hall closet door opens. Ruthie was hiding in there the whole time and heard everything RevCam and Annie said! Wow, that's the third time this device has been used in this episode alone. It's a pretty special show that can recycle an already recycled device. Special like the twins, that is. Ruthie exits the closet, holding a bicycle pump and Happy. I'm not going to make any assumptions about what they were all doing in that confined space together, but I have to say that the bicycle pump is looking pretty proud of itself.
Annie finds Mary paying attention to the twins. This won't do at all! The twins might get the precious stimulation they need to become intelligent, well-adjusted children. Annie quickly whisks Mary away and says they need to talk, and not about Mary's gigantic cargo pants. Although someone really should, because they are not doing Mary any favors. Annie apologizes to Mary for being "insensitive" and leaving Mary out of the bathroom-creating process. Annie explains that she totally bonded with Lucy and "kept it" from Mary. Yeah, that should make Mary feel better. No wonder she turns to a life of crime three episodes from now. Mary says she fine with being left out, but she just wanted Annie to acknowledge that she was doing it. Annie says she was, and reminds Mary that she doesn't have a favorite kid. She does have some least favorites, though. Like SamVid. And Mary, season. Annie looks like she's about to cry as she says that she makes mistakes sometimes. God, get over it, Annie. When I confronted my mother about the obvious favoritism she showed my brother by letting him ride his bike to the grocery store at an earlier age than I was allowed, she didn't pull any of this crying crap. Annie asks Mary if she wants to go to a movie with her on Saturday. Oh, that'll be fun for her teenage daughter who presumably has a social life. Mary and Annie hug.
Lou and the Deacs are just ending their fifteenth meeting of the episode when Ruthie announces her arrival by honking her bike horn obnoxiously, loudly, and repeatedly. The group laughs to keep themselves from smacking her. Ruthie parks her dirty bike in the meeting room. Hey, maybe if the deacons didn't have to spend all of the church's money on cleaning dirt-encrusted bicycle tracks off the carpet, they would have money for RevCam's raise, you little troll. Ruthie introduces herself as RevCam's daughter, which she has to do since they wouldn't be able to guess that by looking at her. Ruthie says her dad doesn't know she's here, but he really needs that raise so they can get a car. One of the board members scoffs, which is met by an evil stare from Ruthie. He is terrified, and understandably so. Ruthie lists all the things her dad does that we heard earlier in this episode. Lou asks Ruthie about her dad's new red convertible. Ruthie's like, "Say what?" Then, "Oooooohhhh, that."
RevCam asks Annie if she's seen Ruthie. He wants to talk to her before he goes to the church to stomp his feet and pout about not getting his raise. Suddenly, Lou and Ruthie come out from behind the staircase, where they've been listening to RevCam and Annie the whole time. I wonder if, at the writer's meeting for this episode, one of the writers was all, "Hey! You know what's really awesome? When people hide behind stuff and listen to other people's conversations and then hear stuff that pertains to them!" And then the other writers were like, "That device isn't used nearly enough in television anymore! Let's bring it back! With a vengeance!" Lou says that Ruthie has already cleared things up about the raise. Annie smiles as if Ruthie's behavior was acceptable, which it isn't. Lou explains how he thought the Camdens were spending money on new cars and remodeling, so the deacons thought RevCam didn't need a raise. But now Lou sees that they're really just...well, spending money on new cars and remodeling. But RevCam will get his raise, and the deacons want RevCam to know that his work is not unappreciated. Ruthie flashes a thumbs-up. Shut up, Ruthie. Lou continues that the board approves of the car Ruthie picked out for the family, too, and thinks it will set a nice example for the parishioners. Until it runs one of them over. Ruthie asks if she's going to be punished "for riding [her] bike without telling anyone." The CamRents nod yes. They don't, however, punish Ruthie for begging her father's boss for money, which...wow. If I marched into my dad's office and demanded a raise for him, even if it was back in the days when I was little and cute, I wouldn't be able to write this recap, because I would still have no television or online privileges.
Timmy wakes up from his surgery and presses the call button. Enter Nurse. Timmy asks if he's had any visitors. She says that "practically the entire hospital" has been there. That's cool, but where are Timmy's parents? Does he even have parents? There's a whole sad backstory there we'll never get to hear. Nurse says Timmy has a visitor outside, and opens his window. There's Matt, sitting in a tree and pretending to read a book. Dopey says he's been in the tree all day (way to show that HR lady that you deserve a promotion!) and he's finally figured out what he wants to do with his life. Timmy laughs the hollow laugh of a child with no parents and only a total idiot and a slightly obsessed nurse for friends. John enters the room and says he thought he heard Matt's voice, but is confused because Matt isn't in the room. That wasn't a contrived reason to give the token character some lines or anything. Timmy tells John to go get Matt out of the tree before he gets fired. John looks out the window and sees Matt, who grins and waves. John runs out of the room. Matt laughs, then looks down to see an angry security guard climbing the tree. Matt makes an "oh shit" expression, and this sets Timmy off on another round of laughter. Way to make the kid's stitches burst, Matt. Oh, and I hope we aren't supposed to think that what Matt did here was a good thing, because all I saw was someone climbing a tree right in the face of someone who wants to climb trees more than anything, but can't. Maybe the HR lady will sneak Timmy in a ladder later. She seems like a sensible woman.
Mary and Lucy are in the kitchen, all excited because the new car has arrived. They call Annie down, who enters with Simon and the twins. "We're coming!" Mary bellows in her most mannish manner. The group checks out the new car, which is actually a van. Never before has anyone been so excited about a van. "Start her up, let's take her for a spin!" Annie shrieks. Ruthie says the car is started up, but the engine is really quiet. That's because it's an electric van! Everyone congratulates Ruthie on her choice of vehicle, and piles into the car. Mary pronounces Ruthie's choice "smart," which is like a glacier calling a snail "speedy." I mean, damn, an electric van has got to be the most impractical thing Ruthie could have picked out, perhaps even more so than that convertible. I mean, at least the convertible can drive more than ten miles without needing five hours of recharge. If only the van ran on the Camdens' sense of self-satisfaction, like co-star Ed Begley Jr.'s (tm The Simpsons).
Matt walks up, prompting RevCam to remark on his son's absence from the C-pound as of late. RevCam wonders if maybe Matt learned how to buy his own groceries. Matt ignores this, and says he's picked a major: "pre-med. I'm gonna be a doctor, hyuk hyuk!" Annie says that they'll be able to pay for Matt's medical school with their fuel savings, except not really, since those fuel savings will be quickly eaten away by their dramatically increased electric bill. Hey, I've got an idea: Why doesn't Matt PAY for HIS OWN graduate school? Better yet, he can marry a girl from a rich Jewish family who he's known for less than twenty-four hours! Oh, what am I even saying? That would just be ridiculous, even for this show. Right? Right?