Male dominance, Simon cooking, and Ruthie playing football -- all in this complete breakfast!
We begin in the kitchen at Casa Camden, and apparently, it is "Thursday 7:30 AM." RevCam enters and announces that he has his first post-heart-attack counseling session today, and that he's "back." Annie is concerned and thinks it's "too soon." RevCam: "It makes me feel alive to be working again." Annie: "Just don't work too hard." RevCam: "Dammit, woman, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times! Get off my friggin' back, already!" Actually, that's only how you spell it. How it sounded was "Right. I don't want to feel too alive." Annie makes an oh-I-get-it face.
8:02 AM (not). We see Ruthie (ugh), Simon (ugh), The Dynamic Duo, and SuperMom heading out to the car. Mary asks SuperMom when the family is going to buy a new station wagon, and SuperMom tells her that when all the medical bills are paid, they will consider it. Matt comes up to SuperMom and says, "I'm glad I caught you. Could you stop by Shana's for me? I think something's up, but I don't know what. I think it's serious, but I don't know 'cause Shana's not talking." SuperMom: "Gee, could I? I'm not just gonna show up at Shana's door and try to weasel something out of her that she's chosen not to talk about." Matt: "I'm not stupid. I told her you'd hem this [skirt] for her and then drop it off." Matt tells her it needs to be done by "lunchtime" today because Shana has a big interview. Matt: "But she didn't say the 'with whom' part. Don't you wanna know the 'with whom' part?" SuperMom: "I wanna hem this skirt by lunchtime today less!" Yeah, word. What the hell, Matt? Get over yourself. Matt doesn't want to, and makes puppy-dog eyes at SuperMom, who then obliges, but only after telling Matt that he is a "bad, bad son. Don't you ever use that look on me again."
9:27 AM (what is this, The X-Files? Is the scene going to be in the Pentagon or something?). Anycow, SuperMom is in the CaMobile, and she pulls up alongside a picket line that is protesting gender apartheid in Afghanistan. A covered Afghanistani woman startles her and gives her a pamphlet through the car window. Annie peruses the information thoughtfully for a second, and pulls out of where she had pulled up. In the picket line, we see a sign that reads "FREEDOM for ALL WOMEN," but we can't see the protester’s face. Slowly, the sign is lowered, and we see that it is held by a very somber Lucy. I can tell this episode is gonna be a tour de force. Minus that whole part about it being a tour de force. Forget this, I'm changing the channel. Oh, wait. I can't.
Oh, mercy. Aphex Twin should remix the 7th Heaven theme song. It needs a four-on-the-floor 808 break, stat!
Sears is selling tires. Mr. Stupidhead cares not. Payless is having their biggest sale of the season. Again, Mr. Stupidhead is indifferent. Check it out now. The funk soul brother. Right about now. The funk soul brother. How 'bout this: Check it out now. Fatboy Slim sucks rocks. Right about now. He's completely unoriginal.
And we're back, with SuperMom at Chickenhead's apartment, sewing. Yes, sewing. Chickenhead enters and says, "Annie, this is so nice of you. I have an interview this morning, and I want to wear a skirt, and that's the only skirt I have that's not something I would wear to a wedding." At this, SuperMom remembers that she is supposed to be home right at that moment so RevCam can have his counseling session baby-free. She asks Chickenhead for the phone, and calls the Rev.
Cut to the Rev in the RevDen, arms full o' babies. The couple he is counseling looks mildly amused. Rev: "Annie should be home any minute. [Phone.] Or not." As it turns out, not. Annie apologizes profusely for forgetting the session, but RevCam tells her not to fret, and that "I'm fine, they're fine, everybody's fine." After they hang up, we return to our counseling session already in progress. Ryan, the groom-to-be, more or less says, "Yo! What da dilly wit' Annie, yo?" RevCam: "She's with a friend." RyGuy: "My mom would never have left babies alone with my dad." Uh-oh. RyGuy continues, "We plan to stick to the traditional values that we talked about in your class. Make sure that our marriage works. The husband has to be responsible for providing for the family." RevCam: "I believe I said ‘parents.’ The parents are responsible for providing for the family." RyGuy: "Yo, you frontin'?" Heh. I wish. What he really says is, "Jessica will be responsible for cooking, and cleaning, and laundry, and childcare. And I will be responsible for bringing home the paycheck, deciding how that money is spent, and when it's time for us to have children. A pretty traditional division of responsibilities, much like the way you and Annie do it." RevCam explains that that is not how he and Annie do things, and that normally their only philosophy is "do whatever's necessary, whenever necessary."
Back to Chickenhead's pad, where SuperMom is fixing to leave. She asks Chickenhead about her interview so she can blab the details to Matt's intrusive ass, and Shana says, "I'd actually rather wait and see how it goes, and then let you know all the details." SuperMom thinks that's fine, and says she needs to grab the milk from the fridge before she goes. Chickenhead goes to get it, and when she returns, she has been transformed into an Afghanistani woman. Either that, or SuperMom got her hands on some killer acid. SuperMom looks super-freaked for a second, then snaps out of it and takes off with her milk. Gee whiz -- I wonder what today's prevalent themes are going to be. Not. I don't. ["Gee whiz -- that couldn’t be because you can see them coming from Cleveland, could it? Oh, wait. It obviously could." -- Sars]
Now we're in school with Simon and his girlfriend (huh?) talking in the hall. Simon is perturbed because this girl talked him into taking Home Economics with her, and he's the only guy in the class. He wants to take wood shop, but he needs a note, and the RevFolks won't give him one. My friend MarshMan66 came up with an invention once called a "Chronological Slap Machine." This machine has a mechanical hand with a sensor that tells it when someone is being annoying, or unfunny, and it travels at speeds beyond that of light, so that it may go back in time and slap the annoying/unfunny person before they even begin speaking. I think Simon needs the business end of one of these.
In the RevDen, Ryan says that he and Jessica (the bride-to-be, who has not said a word THIS ENTIRE TIME) have to get going, and that they have more important things to do this morning than "this." Shut up, Ryan. You suck. RevCam: "We haven't even discussed the vows." RyGuy: "Love, honor, and obey. What's to discuss?" RevCam: "Well, for one thing, there's that pesky word 'obey.' Jump on in here anytime you want, Jessica." Judging by the ominous music, RyGuy didn't like RevCam's last few utterances. SuperMom comes in (to save the day), senses the tension, and asks if everything is okay. RyGuy responds, "Everything's fine," and leaves in a huff with Jessica closely behind. Ryan, don't be such a narbo. And Jessica, don't be such a...such a...such a girl who marries a puke like Ryan. RevCam is "bugged," and Annie reminds him that he can't get bugged, because of his heart.
We now cut to Matt, who is knocking on Chickenhead's door. Shana appears and asks, "What are you doing here?" Matt: "I just came to see if you needed a ride to your interview." Shana: "No, you didn't. You came by to see if you could nose in on my interview." Matt: "Your interview is at your apartment? What kind of interview do you have at your apartment?" Chickenhead: "Okay, just remember I haven't seen him in twenty years." They go in, and Chickenhead introduces Matt to her biological father. After this, they all look shifty-eyed for about twenty seconds, as Kenny G brings us to the scene.
4:03 PM (they're still doing this time crap?). The CamKitchen, where Mary grabs the car keys before SuperMom has a chance to get them. Mary wants to pick Ruthie up from soccer practice for some reason. SuperMom says, "Okay, but report back to me." Oh, jeez cheese. Could this get anymore boring? Anyway, Mary leaves, and Lucy comes down looking for her, because she wanted to go with Mary and pick up Ruthie, too. SuperMom looks like she smells something fishy. Mr. Stupidhead inserts an ice pick into his ear.
Cut to Mary in the CaMobile at Ruthie's school. Up comes Ruthie in a football uniform. You heard me. Ruthie wants to model her uniform for her sister. Isn't that cute? I don't think so, either. In fact, I find it rather irritating. Ruthie: "Don't I look cool?" Mary: "Downright frosty!" "Frosty"? ["At first, I thought ‘word,’ but actually I might start saying that." -- Sars] Mary: "How'd you play?" Ruthie: "I don't mean to brag, but I've got moves I've never seen." Ruthie. Shut. Up. Ruthie goes to change back into her clothes, and Mary spots the pamphlet that was given to Annie by the Afghanistani woman earlier. As she studies it, Kenny G's orchestra swells in a minor key, which all of a sudden makes me heartily interested and concerned. Not. I'm so glad it's time for a commercial.
Not. Dave Thomas, meet the Chronological Slap Machine.
And we're back. 6:13 PM. Sweet. We're in the babies' new room, where SuperMom is putting them down to sleep. RevCam enters, and Annie brings the pamphlet that the Afghanistani woman gave her to his attention. They discuss the Talaban, a fundamentalist Islamic group that has recently come to power over there. Annie, reading: "Women are dying because very few women are allowed to practice medicine, and women can't receive care from a male physician. They can be beaten in public for not wearing a traditional burka, and most women can't even afford one." RevCam, also reading: "If their feet are uncovered or their shoes make a noise, they can be beaten. [If] they leave the house without a close male relative [they can be beaten]. They can be beaten for laughing in public. And girls are banned from school." The AdultCams discuss their dismay for a moment, then put the babies to rest.
Chickenhead's place. She's trying to convince herself that her dad is a decent guy, and perhaps he can help her out a little with paying for school. Matt says something about false hope, Chickenhead protests, and Mr. Stupidhead has an aneurysm. .
7:06 PM. What's with the time? Where are they going with this? Eric and Annie are out on the porch. Annie paints as RevCam talks about how upset he feels about his counseling session earlier this afternoon. Annie suggests that perhaps The Rev should consider not marrying the couple if he disagrees with their union. The Rev agrees, and goes inside. At least I think that's what happens. I couldn't really hear the dialogue over the sound of MYSELF SNORING.
Simon is in Lucy's room, bitching yet again about his Home Ec class. Lucy doesn't seem to care (nor does Mr. Stupidhead, coincidentally), so Simon leaves in a huff as RevCam enters. Light banter ensues about Habitat For Humanity, and The Rev splits as Mary enters. Lucy: "What's the deal with Ruthie?" Mr. Stupidhead: "Word! She's adopted, right?" Mary: "Ruthie's playing football, not soccer." Damn! Apparently, Ruthie's nickname on the football field is "The Hammer," but Mary is worried that SuperMom won't like the idea of her little girl playing a contact sport. This is such a non-issue. Anyway, Mary "keep it a secret" blah "Mom'll have a fit" blah blah blah you get the picture.
The CamKitchen. Matt wants RevCam to do a background check on Chickenhead's dad, because he "just want[s] to know if him being back in the picture is a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, the guy abandoned her and left her with a crazy brother and an even crazier mother." Hmm. RevCam says he'll do what he can.
The Dynamic Duo's room. SuperMom enters, and starts having a flashback from her acid trip earlier today -- Mary and Lucy have now been transformed into Afghanistani women as well. After they morph back into their original bodies, SuperMom asks them if they are aware of the atrocities being committed against women in Afghanistan. Lucy and Mary know all about it, and they both agree that something should be done. Mom leaves abruptly, and in the hallway she bumps into...
Oh, no. Simon. He tells SuperMom that his Home Ec class isn't working out. SuperMom: "Sometimes life is harder than we think it's going to be." Oh, yeah -- that one's goin' on my yearbook page. Not.
Anyway. The doorbell rings, and RevCam opens the door and finds RyGuy and Jessica standing there. You see, Jessica has been worried all her life that she would never find someone who loves her, and Ryan does love her ("Yeah, even if he DOES show it with his fists." -- Kra Mehr), and that "under the circumstances, I don't think you're the right minister to marry us." RevCam: "What?!" RyGuy: "You have a problem with the way I love Jessica. Jessica doesn't." Shut up, Ryan. Go find a time machine and join us in the latter half of the twentieth century.
Friday, 7:57 AM. Breakfast-time! Woo-hoo! Annie is preparing…dinner. Um, what? The phone rings, and it's Sergeant Michaels for The Rev, who has just entered. As he answers the phone, the doorbell rings, and SuperMom runs to the front door. Annie opens the door to reveal "Mrs. Ryan Tomlin, Senior," RyGuy's mom, who needs to speak with RevCam posthaste. Annie runs to get him in the kitchen, where he has just gotten off the phone with The Sarge. Apparently, Chickenhead's dad checks out. AWESOME! ROCK! That RUUUUULLLLLLEEEESSSS!
Ahem.
Annie: "Ryan's mother is in your office. She asked to speak to you." RevCam: "Well, this should be interesting." SuperMom, matter-of-factly: "Yes, it should be." What the hell -- are they robots now? Affirmative.
The conversation that RevCam has with Mrs. Tomlin is very long and repetitive, and it's difficult to take quotes from it out of context, so allow me to paraphrase. Mrs. Tomlin suspects that RevCam never wanted to marry the young couple, and RevCam admits that. She calls Jessica, and tells her to come over to Casa Camden, but not to call Ryan. Mrs. Tomlin then reveals to RevCam that she has filled the role of an oppressed housewife ever since she got married. Because of this, she feels that Ryan inherited his father's traditional attitude, and she thinks Jessica deserves better.
8:47 AM. School-time! Woo-hoo! SuperMom is dropping Ruthie off at school. As Ruthie gets out of the car, SuperMom says: "Remember. Mouthguard in. Chin-strap tight. Tuck the ball close to your body." Ruthie: "Huh?" Shut up, Ruthie. SuperMom: "You are playing football, not soccer, right?" Ruthie: "Who blabbed?" Apparently, no one ratted Ruthie out. SuperMom, it seems, found some sort of telltale piece of paper in Ruthie's back pocket. I don't care about this nonsense.
Back at the CamPad, the doorbell rings and it's Jessica, who announces, "I've been doing a lot of thinking about what's going on. I can't marry Ryan." Duh. Welcome back, Jess. She continues: "At least, not until we come to a better understanding of what marriage is about. And I'm sorry if that upsets you, but that's just the way it is." Mrs. Tomlin and RevCam look indifferent, as does Mr. Stupidhead.
9:45 AM. Aw, come on. Enough already. SuperMom at the high, blowin' up Simon's SPOT, yo! Simon: "What're you doing here?" Yeah, good question. SuperMom feels bad because she blew Simon off last night, and she's arranged for him to transfer into wood shop. Simon is psyched, but then he remembers that his MOM is in SCHOOL with him! NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO! He tells her to get the hell out of his face, or he'll pop a cap in her ass. No, not really, but he is embarrassed by his mom, even though he himself is wearing a frilled apron. Whatever.
Chickenhead's shag-pad. Shana and Matt talk some more about Shana's dad. Mr. Stupidhead thinks, "I could go for a snack right now. Or maybe a frontal lobotomy."
Back to the picket line, where SuperMom has just pulled up in the CaMobile. She spots Lucy, who says, "This is the least we can do to raise awareness about this problem." SuperMom, highly affected: "Yes. It's the least we can do." They hug, I barf, and we all go to commercial.
3:41 PM. Oh, crikey. Annie is still marching on the picket line, and she's on the cell phone with RevCam, telling him that she's "hanging out" with the girls, and the "Camden Men" will have to fend for themselves for dinner. RevCam tells her it's not a problem, and they hang up. We stay with RevCam, who has his arms full o' babies. Simon and Matt enter. RevCam: "Well, well, well. Would you look at this? A meeting of the 'Camden Men' and only the Camden Men." Rev is taking care of the babies, Matt is on bathroom duty, and Simon is in charge of dinner. One, two, three...BREAK!
Mary is picking up Ruthie in the CaMobile 2: Electric Bugaloo. Ruthie has a black eye from playing football. Mr. Stupidhead smiles at this. Mary freaks. Chill, Mary. It is just Ruthie.
Chickenhead's Love Shack. There's a knock on the door, and it's her dad. He tells her that he's proud of her, but that he has decided not to help her pay for school, because he had no one to help him out when he was in school, and he doesn't want her to lose her drive to succeed. He also hopes they can be friends, but Chickenhead ain't havin' it: "If you were any kind of dad, you'd know that I would never ask anyone for help if there were any way to avoid it. But you don't know because you aren't any kind of a dad. You never were, and you never will be." She tells him to leave, he does, and that's that. Thank God.
4:10 PM. Not. The picket line. Mary and Ruthie arrive, and Mom takes Ruthie's black eye surprisingly well. Ruthie wants to know what the picket line is all about, and as SuperMom begins to explain it to her, we jump to...
The CamKitchen, where the "Camden Men" are trying to prepare supper. The doorbell rings, and it's RyGuy, who says, "Thanks to you, Jessica's not going to marry me." RevCam: "Actually, you have your own ideas to thank." RyGuy: "I know what a wife is. A wife is a man's servant, just like man is God's Servant." RevCam: "So, men get to do what God tells him [sic], or what he thinks God tells him, and women get to do what men tell them?" RyGuy: "Something like that, yes." RevCam: "You suck." No, not really. RevCam brings Ryan into the house so that they can "talk." I hope that this "talk" involves RevCam slapping Ryan silly.
11:08 PM. Agh! The RevParents are in bed, cuddling. RevCam asks Annie if she would like to deliver the sermon on Sunday. Annie: "This means the WORLD to me. I love my life. I LOVE my LIFE!" Easy there, Annie. Who are you trying to convince?
10:30 AM. Annie delivers her sermon about Gender Apartheid In Afghanistan as screen shots of covered Afghanistani women flash onscreen.
That's it. That's the end. And I still don't know what the time was for. Whatever.
If you are at all interested in getting involved with the movement against Gender Apartheid in Afghanistan, you can call The Feminist Majority Foundation at 1-888-WEWOMEN or visit the website at http://www.feminist.org/. This PSA was brought to you by 7th Heaven and Mr. Stupidhead.