We open on a sunny day at Glenoak Hospital. Reverend Eric Camden (who from this point forward will be referred to as RevCam, his imaginary Internet screen name) is sitting bedside with a Bible in his hands. With a concerned tone (and doused in reverb) he says, "Don't worry. It's all gonna be fine." Well, judging from that bit of subtle foreshadowing, I have a feeling that he's wrong. Jump-cut to the Camden Household, where RevCam and SuperMom (Annie) are relaxing with the babies and the Grandfolks, who have been on a "European Tour" (read: 7th Heaven budget cuts) for six months. Grandpa (or THE COLONEL, as he likes to be called) expresses his disappointment that his daughter, the RevCam's sister, Julie, can't make dinner this evening. He wants to meet the boyfriend (her husband, in actuality, played by none other than the great Ed Begley, Jr.), see what she's like when she's sober (you figure it out), blah blah blah crumbcakes. Of course, THE COLONEL isn't really up on the real situation (that his daughter is actually married and quite pregnant with a pre-marital child), and the Rev is worried that his moral code won't allow him to approve of the union. Any old cow, Matt and Simon enter, primarily to showcase Simon's new hairdon't, which looks kind of like a dead porcupine that was dipped in peroxide and then affixed upon Simon's head with a stapler. SuperMom looks a little freaked by the hair, but then Grandma Ruth pipes up, "Simon, your grandfather and I have been to a lot of places, and we've seen that individual freedoms are being lost right and left. So when it comes to George, we say yes whenever we can." Enter George, RevCam's adopted brother (what?), sporting an apparently brand new head of (fake) dreadlocks. Everyone in the room exchanges an "Oh, Alice" look, except George, whose face seems to say, "I got your individual freedom RIGHT HERE!"
Cut to the kitchen, where Lucy and Mary are lecturing Ruthie about not telling THE COLONEL that their Aunt Julie is pregnant and married, because it's the RevCam's job to break the bad news to him. Cut to Mr. Stupidhead's apartment, where he begins to cry uncontrollably because 55 minutes still remain in this episode. Back to Glenoak, where RevCam is sitting bedside yet again, telling whoever is in the bed, "Really, it's gonna be fine. It's all gonna be fine." I THINK WE GET IT (tm Sars).
Opening credits. Sars, let the Maalox games begin.
Could someone PLEASE erase the cartoon Col. Sanders? Please?
And we're back, with THE COLONEL making blueberry pancakes in the kitchen the following morning. Mmmm, pancakes (tm Homer Simpson). Enter RevCam, who explains to THE COLONEL that he is stressed out and that lots of things are going on: babies, layoffs in town, blah blah blah cowpies. THE COLONEL wants to know when he's going to see his daughter, Julie. RevCam: "What's the big deal? Last night, today, tonight, tomorrow, whenever. Whatever!" THE COLONEL: "Whatever, indeed!" Mr. Stupidhead: "Whatever, indeed!"
Meanwhile, up in Matt's room, Mary of Adolescent Hardbody and Lucy of Unforgivable Bangs are making plans for when Matt finally moves out and they get his room. They discuss closet space and ceremoniously tell Matt (who has been asleep this whole time -- whatever) that he's "almost 21. It's time to go." He tells them he doesn't have another place yet, and kicks them out with a sneer that says "ged-da-fugg-ahda-eer!"
Kitchen. Ruthie of Unknown Parentage and THE COLONEL. Pancake banter. .
Up to the master bedroom, where the RevCam is complaining again about how stressed he is about his sister and how she doesn't have "seven kids to feed and clothe and send to college, not to mention twenty-seven people in counseling." Speaking of which, he has to get to the church. Annie: "Are we going to look for a new car today?" RevCam: "I forgot. I promise we'll look tomorrow." Annie: "You've been saying that all summer, and driving the Meals on Wheels van is getting a little old!" RevCam: "Listen, bitch, how would you like to see the back of my hand!?" Just kidding. They eventually establish that tomorrow is "New Car Day," and today is "Close-vigil-on-the-grandparents-to-make-sure-none-of-the-kids-tells-them-about-Aunt-Julie-fishcakes Day." RevCam inquires about The All-Important Room Switch, and SuperMom doesn't know a damn thing, except that it's going to cost some money, and Matt's tuition is due. RevCam looks a little pale...
Oh, God. The kitchen. COLONEL and Simon. Simon almost tells THE COLONEL about Aunt Julie, but catches himself in the nick of time. Phew! Not. Anyhow, SuperMom and RevCam enter with the twins, and RevCam announces that he has to get to work. COLONEL: "On a Saturday? Son, you've got to stop and smell the roses!" RevCam: "Well, not until the roses are paid for." Simon: "Ha ha -- that was a good one, Dad!" Shut up, Simon.
In the other room, Ruthie is watching cartoons. In comes SuperMom to inquire as to whether Ruthie had mentioned anything about Aunt Julie to THE COLONEL. Ruthie fails to respond. Luckily for her, Matt enters and announces that he is going apartment hunting. SuperMom tries to convince him to fix up the garage and live there, but Matt is not having it. He tells SuperMom to talk to the hand, and shakes his booty outta there in quite a hurry. When Annie turns around again to talk to Ruthie, the child has disappeared. Wherever she has gone, I'll bet she's doing something annoying, so I'm going to tell her to shut up. Shut up, Ruthie. Ah, I feel much better now.
Cut to the church, where Eric "CAN DO!" Camden is listening to a young couple talk about how they've decided to sell the house blah apartment blah cheaper blah muffins. Nobody cares, including RevCam. The phone rings, and it's Julie. She kids around with Eric about not being able to make dinner this evening, which Eric doesn't like the sound of, and then says she'll be over by six. After they hang up, we close in on RevCam's face as the sound of a beating heart thumps our way into commercial. Real subtle. That is, if we lived in a world where "subtle" meant "blatant."
Melissa Joan Hart. Pantene. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Coca-Cola. What do all of these things have in common? They all like to waste my time.
So, up drives Superfly in his...oops. Actually, it's Matt "It was 'Killing,' but now it's 'Teaching'" Camden pulling up in The Penismobile. He bumps into his friend John, who is apparently looking at the same apartment as he [insert sound of hand thwacking forehead here]. Light banter about movin' out. Matt needs a job. John needs a car. Mr. Stupidhead needs a case of TUMS. Bangs and Hardbody in Matt's room, this time with floor plans drawn in crayon. Floor plans? Done in Crayon? Not? Enter SuperMom, who asks the girls what they think they are doing, to which they both reply with the theme from The Jeffersons. The only problem with this is that they are both white teenage girls, and thus have no flave. I am annoyed, but this is not news. Ruthie and Simon enter, both with plans of their own, and the whole thing gets very hectic. SuperMom looks vexed, and tells the kids that nobody's moving just yet. Here's what it boils down to: The kids are changing rooms, which I think represents the amount of change they are all about to experience in their exciting and pro-active lives. Not. Could that be more obvious? Ugh. SuperMom goes to dispense laundry to the children's rooms, and in the hallway she bumps into...
Ruth (no, not RuthIE, just Ruth), Bride of COLONEL, Mother of RevCam. Ruth proposes to SuperMom a shopping spree with Bangs and Hardbody (the Dynamic Duo), so she can "talk and shop" with them. Annie objects, because she knows if Grandma buys them enough crap, they'll blab about Aunt Julie. Enter the Dynamic Duo, who upon hearing about said shopping spree, chant in unison "Yeah, talk and shop, talk and shop..." You know what would make me happy? An entire episode where everybody speaks in unison. That wouldn't annoy me at all. Not. I would shoot myself. Anyhow, SuperMom has to think fast, so she stutters, "You can't. You're moving. I just decided." Dynamic Duo: "Now? We're moving into our rooms now?" Annie: "Go forth and tell everyone. You're moving!" Dynamic Duo: "Woo-hoo!" Grandma: "Annie, you're hiding something." Annie: "No not me. I'm not hiding anything at all. Nope, nothing at all. I'm just an open book!" I don't care about any of this.
Cut the Dynamic Duo discussing how they can find a job for Matt. Again. Matt's sisters are going to get him a job. I don't even know where to begin on that one. They decide that their new uncle Hank (hubby to Aunt Julie, star of Transylvania ) can get Matt a job at the hospital where he works. "Nepotism is the backbone of the American workforce," concludes Lucy. First, word. Second, shut up, Ruthie. Sorry, I just had that feeling again.
Living room. George (of Nappy Head): "Don't worry." Simon: "I am worried." RevCam: "Worried about what?" Simon: "D'oh!" Actually: "Uh, about starting school again. Are you alright? You look a little funny." RevCam: "I'm fine." Enter THE COLONEL, who wants to know if RevCam and Simon want to "put in some time" at the hardware store (whatever). Simon can't because he's moving rooms (whatever). RevCam can't because he has to go tell a police officer's wife that her husband got stabbed, and he has to run. But before he does, he makes sure to tell the Grandfolks that their daughter, Julie, will be joining them for dinner with her new, uh, boyfriend. Yeah, that's it. Boyfriend.
Matt and John. The apartment. Piece of crap. They love it. More talk about Matt needing a job and John needing a car. Onward.
Back to Camden Manor, where Jeeves is pulling the car...I mean, where SuperMom is singing to the babies with impromptu lyrics to the tune of "Mary Had a Little Lamb." The phone rings (thank God, no more singing), and it's none other than...the Almighty RevCam! He's just calling to check in and see if Annie needs anything. She needs ground beef. They establish that RevCam hasn't eaten yet today, and SuperMom wants him to. She's worried about him. RevCam then gets beeped (?) and has to go. Close in on RevCam in the phone booth. Sweating profusely, he speaks to a woman on the phone about picking up and dropping off her medication. He then dials Annie again, because he forgot what she wanted. Annie: "Hamburger meat. And don't worry about dinner tonight. It'll be just fine." RevCam: "Right. It'll all be just fine." He hangs up, and once again the Telltale Heartbeat takes us into commercial. Boy oh boy.
It seems as though Dr. Jekyll thinks that THIS IS THE MOMENT. I disagree.
Matt: "Where's [sic] Mom and Dad? I have something to tell them." Dynamic Duo (in unison, yet again): "You got a job!" Matt: "I got an apartment!" Dynamic Duo (unison): "An apartment and a job! (everybody now!) We're movin' on up, to the East Side. To a. Deluxe apartment. In the sky-uy-uy-uy." Enough already with this unison crap. Shut up, the botha youse! Matt asks, "What job?" but before the DD can answer (in unison, no doubt), Simon enters and asks what all the screaming is about. Mr. Stupidhead suggests that perhaps Simon's new hairdo may have something to do with it, but since Simon can't hear me, Matt tells him that he found an apartment.
Simon becomes perplexed, then angry, then sad, then pensive, then a little hungry, then back to perplexed, and says "So you're just taking off, just like that? I mean, no warning? Nothing? You're just abandoning me?" To this, Matt replies, "Yes, you little schmap! Now THRECK OFF!" (tm Sars) No, he doesn't really say that. Instead, he tells Simon that he isn't abandoning anyone, and that he's moving right across town. Simon says something that pretty much amounts to "whatever," and takes off, seemingly pretty pissed. Whatever.
Enter Aunt Julie and the original drummer from Spinal Tap (a.k.a. Julie's new hubby Hank), carrying groceries and whatnot. Julie has made all sorts of salads, including a "Jello Salad" that not only looks repellent in every way and nothing like Jello but also bears a striking resemblance to a bloated Rocket Pop. Hank details the new job to Matt (he's going to be working in Glenoak Hospital's Cafeteria). Not only does Matt get shafted with minimum wage, but he also has to be there at five in the morning. That sucks. At least I think it does, but apparently Matt is pretty amped about the whole thing, and he has to run and tell the others. After he has left the kitchen, the Dynamic Duo adorns Uncle Hank with hugs and says (of course, in unison, what did you think? That they'd give up now?): "We will love you forever and ever and ever and ever for this!" That's great. I am going to go vomit now. The DD leaves, Julie's baby kicks, and nobody cares.
Annie and the babies. Matt enters, and breaks the news. Our baby's leaving home. Boo hoo. Not. It's about time.
Matt begins packing, and Simon enters pissily. "Call Shana," he huffs. Matt: "Why, did she call?" Simon: "No, she didn't call. But I wouldn't want her to find out at the last minute that you're moving out of the house. I know how that feels." Shut up, Simon. Matt: "Look, I'm sorry about the way you found out, but you knew this was gonna happen." Simon: "Listen to me, butthole. I've worked with John Travolta. Twice!" No, actually: "But couldn't you wait another year or so, when I'm not smack in the middle of puberty?" Okay. Word, that was funny. "I mean, this is a tough time for a guy and I need a brother right now." Shut up, Simon. I didn't have any siblings in the house when I began puberty, and I think it was definitely for the best. I believe Sars would agree. ("And how." -- Sars.) Anyway, Matt goes on to tell Simon not to worry about it, and maybe week sometime he and Nigel (Tufnel?) could come watch the football game at the new pad. Matt: "You know I love ya." Simon: "I know. That's why I'm gonna miss you." Aw. Props to Mr. Watson and Master Gallagher. There was actually some fine acting in that scene.
Uh-oh. I've got that feeling. I think I should give a pre-emptive "Shut up, Ruthie" just in case.
Yep, I was right. Ruthie is giving her dolls a lecture about the responsibility of moving into a big girl's room. Ruthie: "We are about to have access to our very own phone. Let's have a big round of applause for that." Enter SuperMom, a baby under each arm: "Yay! What's all the cheering for?" Ruthie: "We're all just very excited about moving." Annie: "Why's that?" Ruthie: "The room comes with a phone." Annie: "Uh, no. The room comes with a phone jack to plug the phone into when you're old enough." Good call, Mom. The last thing this world needs is for Ruthie to be able to make contact with it. The rest of this scene is fishcakes. Oh, and shut up, Ruthie.
Hallway. SuperMom to Matt: "You have to tell Ruthie you're moving."
Ruthie's soon-to-be-ex-room. Matt enters with every intention of telling Ruthie that he's moving out, but somehow he intuits that Ruthie told THE COLONEL and Grandma everything about Aunt Julie. Ruthie admits it, and Matt begins to lecture her about consequences (whatever). Simon enters (all the siblings are standing right outside the door in the hallway) and says, "Don't yell at her. I told George, and I'm sure he told them by now." Matt: "Oh, Simon!" Simon: "Well, they were gonna find out anyway!" Matt: "But we agreed that dad would tell them." Then all the siblings enter, and they all admit that they're guilty of telling the Grandfolks about Julie. Lucy lets it slip that Matt is moving out before Matt has a chance to tell Ruthie himself, and Mary makes a face like she just smelled a rotten-egg fart. Matt tries to explain by saying that "it's just time for me to move on." Ruthie: "No kidding. For the past year I've been telling my friends you were my Dad!" They all chuckle heartily, sharing the "Oh, Alice!" look again, then stand awkwardly for about ten seconds. Note to the editors: when a scene is over, cut it. Oh yeah, one more thing. Tell Ruthie to shut up for me.
Now we're outside with Hank and Julie, getting the BBQ ready. Enter RevCam with a few grocery bags, looking like death itself. If you think I am exaggerating, guess again -- his face is literally gray. Annie comes out and announces that THE COLONEL, Ruth, and George have arrived. RevCam begins to flail. Hank asks him if he feels all right, to which Eric responds, "Oh, yeah, just a little indigestion, that's all." Hank: "Don't worry. They're gonna love me. I'm very lovable." Enter THE COLONEL with Granny Ruth. RevCam: "Mom. Dad. This is Hank. Dr. Hastings. Julie's..." "Julie's husband," pipes in Julie, as the RevCam steps back, clutching his left arm. "The father of your grandchild." And it's THE COLONEL, streaking down the court. He looks a bit concerned: "Will you look at that, Ruth?" Uh-oh. This could be bad... "Julie, you've never looked more beautiful." OOOOOOHHHHHHHH! PUMP-FAKE! And THE COLONEL nails it from the three-point line! Word, Gramps.
Meanwhile, as hugs and kisses and congratulations are being shared, Eric (who now looks like the Tin Man, he's practically silver) and Annie look at each other, completely baffled by THE COLONEL's behavior. "My parents have been abducted by aliens," says RevCam. I'm surprised he can still talk. He honestly looks like a corpse. The Grandfolks go to tell George, and again we hear the beating of the Telltale Heart as Eric clutches his left arm and begins to stumble. Hank asks, "Hey, you okay, buddy?" then tells Julie to call Dr. Peterson in the ER while he gets his bag. Annie: "Eric?" Eric: "I think...I'm having...a heart attack." Actually, some pretty nice acting from Stephen Collins (despite the make-up) and Catherine Hicks. But still, come on. Note to the writers: I know you don't have a lot of faith in the general viewing public, but you could try to be a little subtler.
I think that Andie McDowell sucks. And I wish she would get her damn curly locks out of my face.
Back at Glenoak, where RevCam is not only sitting bedside, but also laying in the bed. Ooh, that's deep. The bedridden Eric tells the bedside Eric that "everything's gonna be just fine." Duh. Dr. Peterson comes in, and tells Eric that he had a minor heart attack, and that he's going to need to change his diet and his stressful habits. Enter SuperMom, THE COLONEL, and Ruth, and exit Dr. Peterson. THE COLONEL wants to know if it was he who caused the cardiac arrest, and Eric says that no one was at fault, but he didn't expect the positive reaction from his folks upon hearing about Julie's husband and baby. THE COLONEL goes on to explain that after six months of travel, and seeing people around the world deal with real problems, his daughter having a baby is hardly anything to get worked up about. In fact, he's quite pleased. He then goes on to tell Eric that he needs to "ease up a bit, son." I would just like to note that throughout THE COLONEL's speech, we keep seeing little snippets of Grandma Ruth making strange, almost clown-like faces as she glances back and forth between her husband and her son. Very odd indeed. Dr. Peterson re-enters and tells the folks that visiting hours are over. They take off, leaving Annie and Eric alone. Eric tells Annie not to blame herself, nor to let the children blame themselves. They exchange quite touching "I love you"s, and Annie leaves.
In the hallway, THE COLONEL and Grandma Ruth run into Rasta Man George, who tells them that he's worried because raising a teenager may be too much stress for people of their advanced age to take. THE COLONEL tells George that this is "balderdash, son. Adopting you has made us young again. You keep us vitally interested in everything that's going on in the world, you give us renewed strength, and you keep us on our toes." George: "Really?" Ruth: "Absolutely!" George: "Then how come you're letting me wear my hair like this? I look stupid!" Mr. Stupidhead: "You're darn tootin', George." THE COLONEL: "Everyone should have the freedom to look stupid, son. That's what America's all about!" Word, Grandpa. I gotta say, I think THE COLONEL kind of rocks.
Back to Casa Camden, where Matt is cleaning the barbecue grill and talking with his new roommate, John. Matt feels guilty about RevCam's myocardial infarction. Of course.
Inside, Lucy and Mary are each bottle-feeding a baby, and discussing how selfish they have been. Mary: "This time last night all we had to worry about how to get Matt out of the attic. Lucy: "Twenty-four hours ago storage space was all we had to worry about. Tell me again he's okay." Mary: "He's okay. Really. Mom said he'll be home in a day or two, and that worrying isn't going to do anything." They exchange a look, and for the last time this episode (thank God) they say (you guessed it, in unison): "Taking responsibility is." Ah, what wholesome children. Barf. At least it wasn't The Jeffersons again.Apparently, the Camden kids have decided to all sleep in the same room this evening. As they're setting up sleeping bags and pillows, SuperMom enters and asks, "What's going on?" to which the kids all respond, "How's Dad?" "Dad is fine. I'll prove it. Let's call him," and so she does. A recovering RevCam picks up the phone in the hospital, and answers, "Hi, Annie." Annie: "How'd you know?" RevCam: "Twenty years of marriage." Mr. Stupidhead: "Ugh." Annie: "The kids want to tell you something." All together now, with feeling: "We love you, Dad!" RevCam reciprocates his family's love, Annie tells him, "We'll see you tomorrow," and she hangs up the phone. Back at the hospital, RevCam looks up to the ceiling with puppy-dog eyes, and says to his version of God, "Thank you. Thank you very much...for tomorrow." And we fade to credits.