Annie makes her way to the freezer section and tries to lift a huge carton of multi-colored sherbet into her cart. Suddenly, a female member of RevCam's parish, who has been referred to here as "Mrs. Poole" but who I remember most fondly as annoying neighbor Harriet's mother on Small Wonder, starts scolding Annie not to lift heavy things for fear that it will induce labor. Annie says she wouldn't really mind going into premature labor, like, way to care about what that could do to your babies, Annie. Not to mention the psychological damage that would no doubt be inflicted on the supermarket patrons and employees unfortunate enough to listen to Annie's labor groans or see Annie's labor face. Mrs. Poole says that Annie can't go into labor until after her baby shower. Which is tomorrow. And is being held in the CamPound. Annie's all, "Wha??" Apparently, being pregnant makes women lose their spines, too, because Annie doesn't tell Mrs. Poole it's freaking rude to plan a party at someone else's house without permission. Mrs. Poole takes off. "Oh, hell!" Annie says, and wow, people on this show used to sound almost normal. God gets back at Annie for cursing when she tries to rest against the freezer case, only to "humorously" fall into it and not-so-humorously expose the twins to freezing temperatures. Which explains a lot.
7th Heaven
When I see Matt's greasy hair shining back at me.
7th Heaven
I know that we're back in 1999 with Season Three.
Check out this shooooooow!
Before Mary posed for Gear.
SamVid's in uterooooooooo!
And Asslee was never here.
7th Heaven.
MMMMMMMMMMMM! 7th Heaven.
Even in the early seasons, before one would assume the writers hadn't totally burnt out, the Opening Credits Timewaster still sucks ass. We see various Camdens pacing, going down stairs, walking to a couch, and sitting. Except that, to make this even less interesting, all we see are people's feet. After a while, they start kicking each other, which was almost exciting, but what is up with Mary's manly combat boots? Not to mention her decision to pair white gym socks with black pants. Ugh. Opening credits completed, RevCam can address the crowd. He's using this time, while Annie's off at the grocery store getting stuck in display cases, to organize the kids for the pre- and post-baby madness. Matt will take care of cooking dinner and washing baby bottles. Everyone groans, as I guess bottle-washing is a coveted task. RevCam tells Matt to make sure that the dinners "feature more than one color," like, what? Matt has to cook meals that are aesthetically pleasing as well as edible? I think that's asking too much of a teenage boy. That's asking too much of me, even. Mary is in charge of carpools and other "miscellaneous transportation." RevCam wonders where Lucy is, to which Simon explains to his dumbass father that she's at Camp All By Myself, where RevCam dropped her off only a few hours ago. RevCam says that she'll be in charge of packing lunches upon her return. Simon will set the table for breakfast, and then clean it up. RevCam then turns to Ruthie and wisely decides against assigning her any task that would bring her anywhere near the babies, so she gets to "water the plants." HmmRuthie and a watering can? I predict ten twin-drowning attempts before their first week in the CamPound. Matt asks what RevCam and Annie will be doing. Well, Annie will be in charge of Giving Birth and RevCam will be heading Team Delegate Responsibility, Then Take a Nap.
“ Ruthie tries to counter by saying that Happy is 'part Abominable Snowman,' to which Happy makes a noise, which I believe, translated from dog-language, means, 'Ruthie, you are so not cute. Shut up.' ”
On the second floor, Mary emerges from a random door holding a small bag. RevCam asks Mary what's in her bag, because he's that nosy. Mary says it's Annie's hospital bag. RevCam wonders why it's so tiny, so he goes into the CamBoudoir to ask Annie what that's about. Annie snaps that she's done this before and knows how to pack. Apparently, all one needs to give birth and stay overnight at a hospital is lipstick and a pencil, because that's about all that bag looked big enough to hold. Before RevCam can ask Annie why their oldest son is saying he could be the twins' father, the phone rings.
By this point, I was pretty sure that Lucy's Camp All By Myself thing was a way for Beverley Mitchell to get a week off, but no. She's calling the CamPound to complain that Camp All By Myself is serious. No one will talk to anyone else, and Lucy hates it. RevCam tells her to give it a try; if Annie can get through a baby shower, Lucy can do camp for a weekend. Then he tries to get off the phone with Lucy because he hates her, and basically hangs up on her. The CamRents ask each other how they're doing over and over again, until enough space has been filled and we can go to commercial.
It's nighttime at the CamPound, and Matt is doing dishes while Lucy whines about camp to Mary via phone. Lucy wants to sue the camp for not putting the fact that she wouldn't be able to talk to anyone else in the brochure. Except that I'm pretty sure it is in the brochure, right where it says "Welcome to Camp ALL BY MYSELF," dumbass. Mary can't handle talking to Lucy, so she passes the phone off to Matt. Ruthie enters the kitchen, and Matt tries to hand the phone off to her, but she runs away. That was pretty funny, actually. Simon comes in the room, and Matt tries to pass the phone off to him, but Simon says he has company so he can't talk. Nigel follows, and Matt shoves the phone up to Nigel's ear, but Nigel just ignores it. There's a knock on the back door, and Mary answers it to reveal a scowling little boy. It's Bobby Tripp, Ruthie says, and it's "showtime" for Simon. As military-esque music better known as The Colonel's Theme plays, Ruthie, Simon, Nigel, and Happy exit to the backyard.
Bobby introduces the group to Tripp family pet "Sid Vicious," a dog Bobby claims is "part wolf" but looks more part shag carpet to me. Ruthie tries to counter by saying that Happy is "part Abominable Snowman," to which Happy makes a noise, which I believe, translated from dog-language, means, "Ruthie, you are so not cute. Shut up." Bobby's brother, Darryl, is there too, and he's ready to fight Simon. Simon charges at him, only to be held back by lame Nigel, who says that "Dr. King" always said there were better ways to solve problems than violence. Darryl calls Simon "the Peroxide Kid," which was awesome, then says something about how sons of ministers don't fight fair. At this, Nigel forgets all about Martin Luther King, Jr. and starts charging him, but Simon holds him back. Simon tells the Tripps that he'll "get back to" them, and they leave. Ruthie accuses Simon and Nigel of being "yellow." I accuse Nigel of citing Martin Luther King, Jr.'s teachings and then being a little too quick to toss them aside. ["I accuse Ruthie of talking like an extra in Silverado. 'Yellow'? Who talks like this?" -- Sars]
“ My camp's cabins didn't even have a door to our bathroom, let alone a phone to our ramshackle bunk beds where we slept on mattresses filled with dead bugs. ”
The morning, Ruthie is perched atop Mary's sleeping form. Mary won't get out of bed, which may have something to do with the fact that she's being straddled by a six-year-old, so Ruthie starts humming annoyingly until Mary sits up and asks Ruthie what she wants. Ruthie whispers in her ear. I wonder if Mary would be so quick to help Ruthie if she knew what the little brat was doing with her hair dryer.
Lucy's on the phone with Annie, pressing for details about the upcoming baby shower. Patricia's there, too, although she really isn't helping out so much as running smack into Annie's enormous belly while carrying glassware. I guess we can all blame Patricia for SamVid. Annie finally breaks it down and tells Lucy that if she can't take being all by herself for the weekend, someone will come to pick her up. Lucy gets all pissy and says she most certainly can take it, and then hangs up on Annie. Okay, why does Camp All By Myself have phones in the cabins? My camp's cabins didn't even have a door to our bathroom, let alone a phone to our ramshackle bunk beds where we slept on mattresses filled with dead bugs.
Old Mrs. Hinkle (not to be confused with Mrs. Bink, Glenoak's other batty old neighbor) comes to the door and asks if she missed the baby shower games. RevCam informs her that she's actually two hours early for the shower; it starts at one, not eleven. Apparently, Mrs. Hinkle has some kind of double-vision problem and saw too many ones on the invitation. I believe that problem is more commonly referred to as "beer goggles." Way to party, Mrs. Hinkle. Now she's pissed because now she'll be forced to play baby shower games, which she hates. She hands a present off to RevCam and takes a seat in the living room, where John and his father, Reverend Hamilton, are talking to Matt. Hey, Mrs. Hinkle? I'm pretty sure etiquette dictates that if you arrive at an event two hours early, you're actually supposed to turn around and go back home, not stay there and piss everyone off. Mrs. Hinkle sees the men and is all upset that she wasn't informed that the shower was "co-ed," and says she would have brought a date if she knew, although I thought we had all ascertained by now that Mrs. Hinkle sucks at reading invitations, so it may very well have said that and she just didn't see it. She asks RevCam to get her a phone so she can call someone from her list of suitors. Is Mrs. Hinkle supposed to be senile? RevCam explains that the shower isn't co-ed; the guys are actually about to go out to lunch together. RevCam asks if he can get Mrs. Hinkle anything before he goes; she demands a television remote and some "mixed nuts." Oh, come on, Hinkle. You know RevCam doesn't have any nuts.
“ Mary says she gets home from church tomorrow at eleven-thirty. Mark says he'll call at eleven-thirty-one, then. Desperation is always so attractive in a man. ”
Mary, Simon, Ruthie, and their corresponding Hamilton counterparts walk to the Tripp residence. You know, I'm surprised the Hamiltons don't have a black Labrador to match the pure white Happy. Ruthie knocks on the door and Bobby, Darryl, and sixteen-year-old Mark come outside. Apparently, Ruthie forgot her sister was a woman when she set her up to fight Mark, and she also forgot that Mary is a Camden woman, and thus starts to flirt with Mark immediately. Apparently, even though the Camdens and the Tripps are -door neighbors, Mark and Mary haven't seen each other in years, and each realizes that the other one is hot. Mark asks Mary if he can call her. Mary says she gets home from church tomorrow at eleven-thirty. Mark says he'll call at eleven-thirty-one, then. Desperation is always so attractive in a man. Brawl plans decidedly thwarted, Ruthie tells Bobby that she'll be back, trying to sound like the Terminator when she's not even as cool as Michael Biehn. "Make my day," Bobby responds, trying to be all Dirty Harry when he isn't even as cool asumwhoever else was in Sudden Impact.
Annie waddles to get the door, and even taking into account that maternity wear is never very attractive, her shirt is heinous. It's got a collar, and black buttons, and some kind of purple and black plaid design. Ugh. Annie opens the door to reveal the church women, whom she greets by screaming, "RIGHT ON TIME!" Annie then introduces the group to Patricia, who they didn't already know since she belongs to the black church, while they worship at the white church. Mrs. Poole and the crowd pile into the kitchen to make food for the shower. As they go, Mrs. Poole loudly comments on how Annie and RevCam were just handed a huge house, while she and her husband had to work for their little shack in the woods. I know how Mrs. Poole feels, but that was just plain rude. Back at the front door, Annie snarls and Patricia placates.
Apparently, not all the church women made it to the kitchen, as the most elderly of the group has wandered into the living room, where Mrs. Hinkle is watching Xena: Warrior Princess and admiring Lucy Lawless's "tumbling" skills. Oldie requests a cold drink, to which Annie and Patricia just stand there cluelessly until Patricia figures out that Annie has no intention of doing anything and leaves to get the drink.
Establishing shot of some run-down-looking diner. John's playing pinball and Matt is whining about wanting to move out of the CamPound. John tells Matt that he should stay at the CamPound because his parents will need a "go-to guy" to take care of the twins, and apparently, Mary and Lucy are just too darn female for the task.
“ Mary says she's sorry, but she doesn't punch people who aren't 'asking for it,' although that still doesn't explain why Mary isn't punching Ruthie every second of the day. ”
RevCam and RevHam are seated at a table. RevHam is wishing he was somewhere else as RevCam confesses his fears about the twins. "What if the twins aren't as bright as the others?" he wonders, to the sound of my evil laughter because RevCam totally just jinxed the twins. Then he asks what will happen if the twins are "super-smart," and oh man, he just double-jinxed the twins with that. RevCam starts lying about how his existing children are smart, but not super-smart, until RevHam decides he's had enough and tells RevCam to chill out, because he's hungry and he doesn't want RevCam to scare the waiter away. Just then, a waiter places two dishes at the table. Matt and John sit down. RevHam tells RevCam and Matt, whose food has arrived, to go ahead and start without them, like RevCam wasn't totally about to do that anyway. RevHam tries to flag down the waiter, but is ignored. RevCam wonders if the waiter just forgot that RevHam and John ordered food. RevHam sadly says he doesn't think so. And while this ended up being the case, I thought RevHam was a little quick to jump to the racism conclusion. Although that is much more believable than RevCam's theory about the waiter forgetting that half of his table ordered food.
At the CamPound, the church ladies are searching through the CamKitchen as Simon and Ruthie make fun of Mary for flirting with Mark instead of fighting him. Mary says she's sorry, but she doesn't punch people who aren't "asking for it," although that still doesn't explain why Mary isn't punching Ruthie every second of the day. Mary looks over at the women and asks if they need help with something. Mrs. Poole explains that, as members of the church, they have the right to look through church property. The eldest Hamilton girl says that the members of her church do the same thing. The Cams and Hams take off out the back door.
Mrs. Poole walks into the living room, followed by her girls, and makes some snide remarks about "late-in-life pregnancies" as they pass Annie. I don't get it: if Mrs. Poole hates Annie, as she so obviously does, why is she going to all this trouble to throw a baby shower for her? I mean, yeah, it gives her an opportunity to look around the CamPound, but that's not really worth the money she'll have to spend on the food and gifts. Mrs. Hinkle consoles an angry Annie by saying that, on a recent church ladies' trip to Vegas, they made Tom Jones cry. Like that's hard to do. Last week, Tom Jones came up to me and he was all, "Hey, Sara, do you think I've gained weight?" And I was like, "UmI guess. I don't really pay atten--" and before I could even finish my sentence, Tom just burst into tears. He is such a baby. Mrs. Hinkle pulls a bottle of cough syrup out of her purse and gulps it down. You'd think Annie would have learned her lesson about being judgmental after hanging out with the church ladies, but I guess not, since she accuses Mrs. Hinkle of ingesting cough syrup for reasons other than having a cough. Over in the corner, Oldie leans over and makes Patricia get her some more punch. Patricia gives her a weird look, but obliges. "She is so helpful," Oldie says to Annie, who covers her face. Annie needs to do that more often.
“ RevCam says he's embarrassed to be white right now, which I don't understand. White people do stupid stuff all the time, and I'm not embarrassed for them. Case in point: Brenda Hampton is white, and while I'm disgusted with her as an individual, I'm not embarrassed for my entire race because she happens to be a part of it. ”
Mrs. Poole announces that it's time for the toilet paper game, where everyone has to see who can get the amount of toilet paper that fits around Annie's stomach the closest. And by the looks of Annie's stomach, I hope they brought several rolls of paper, at least one per contestant. And it better not be that toilet paper I bought at the Food-4-Less last month, which only lasts like, one week per roll per person. I thought I was getting such a good deal, too. Mrs. Hinkle tells Annie that she has mace in her purse if Annie needs it, although I wonder if Mrs. Hinkle removed the pepper spray long ago and replaced it with grain alcohol, for when she doesn't have time to guzzle the cough syrup and just needs a little spritz to get her going. Oldie asks Patricia to bring her some cookies. While Oldie's busy, Mrs. Hinkle spikes her punch with cough syrup. Annie reacts to this with a face full of horrified dismay and playful swat to Mrs. Hinkle's osteoporosis-ridden shoulder, and yet Annie still says nothing to Oldie about how Patricia isn't her personal servant.
At the roadside diner, the manager asks the Hamiltons what's wrong. Waiter comes up and gives the Hamiltons some hamburgers, to which John protests that not only didn't they order hamburgers, but also that these hamburgers are cold. Manager tells the Hamiltons that maybe they should just take their business somewhere else, to which John states that this kind of thing is illegal in 1999. Manager says he owns this restaurant and he has the right to refuse service to anyone, as stated on a sign. As soon as the manager is out of earshot, RevCam gets brave and says, "You've got to be kidding!" RevHam and John say that this is their fight. "And mine, too," says RevCam, totally missing the point. RevCam says he's embarrassed to be white right now, which I don't understand. White people do stupid stuff all the time, and I'm not embarrassed for them. Case in point: Brenda Hampton is white, and while I'm disgusted with her as an individual, I'm not embarrassed for my entire race because she happens to be a part of it. RevCam declares that it's time to take action. Stokely Carmichael spins in his grave. Revs Cam and Ham stand up and demand food. Manager threatens to call the cops. They tell him to go right ahead, because they aren't going anywhere. Manager picks up the phone and dials. Boy, is he going to be pissed when Sgt. Michaels, the only cop in town, shows up. I'm almost looking forward to this.
Post-commercial, the police have arrived, and yes, it's Sgt. Michaels, along with another black officer who must have transferred out by the time Kevin came to town, since I don't think I've ever seen a black officer at Glenoak PD before. Surprisingly enough, Sgt. Michaels is none too sympathetic with the manager and his "service problem." He says he just read about another restaurant with a similar problem that got sued for a couple hundred thousand dollars. RevCam asks RevHam what he'll do with his settlement. RevHam says he might get the church a new organ, since he's a minister, as is RevCam. So now, not only is Manager getting sued for tons of money, but he's also totally going to hell. RevHam demands both an apology and his food, served the way he ordered it, and in a prompt and courteous fashion. Manager mutters that he's sorry, and they'll get their food. RevHam says that he plans to tell all his parishioners, who, I guess we're supposed to assume are all black, about this restaurant's service and they'll probably come here, too. John says he'll tell his friends, who, again, we're supposed to assume are all black, about this restaurant as well. Manager looks sad, like, buck up, dude, your business is about to double. RevHam also asks Manager to donate unused food to the church, just like every other restaurant in town. I don't think there will be any unused food, what with all the new customers this place is about to get. Sgt. Michaels tells Manager that this better not happen again, and Manager walks away. RevCam asks Sgt. Michaels if he's hungry. Sgt. Michaels says he'd be happy to blow off work and give money to a racist establishment. One step forward, ten thousand steps back with this show's contribution to the fight against racism.