Mary picks Simon and Ruthie up from school. Ruthie astutely notices that Lucy is not in the car, and asks what's going on. Mary has her all-too-common trouble remembering her lines as she explains that Lucy left school early to go to Camp All-By-Myself for the weekend. Simon scoffs that Lucy will be spending plenty of time with the camp's residents of the opposite sex, like, way to call your sister a slut, Simon. Mary, wearing a fleece vest (remember when those were cool? Sort of?), says that Lucy claimed to be serious about spending the weekend getting to know herself "as one," so that she would be better able to be in a relationship "of two." Ruthie, wearing what appears to be a turquoise-colored ascot (which were never cool, at all), manages to insert herself in the conversation by saying that she hates Bobby Tripp, whether he's one or two. That doesn't even make sense, Ruthie. Shut. Up. God. Mary asks why Ruthie's mad at their "little neighbor" Bobby. Ruthie says she's mad at him because he saw her underwear when she was on the swings and keeps making fun of her. Ruthie wants him to shut up and say he's sorry. Simon annoyingly points out that Bobby can't shut up AND say he's sorry, and my brother is always doing stuff like that, so I almost support Ruthie's threat to jump over the backseat and smack him, but then I remember that Ruthie is a hateful little troll and I mustn't support her, ever. Ruthie says she's going to hit Bobby the time he makes fun of her. "Mom and Dad don't like us to solve problems that way," Mary nerds. Ruthie says that she isn't going to be hitting anyone, anyway: Bobby has a big brother, and Ruthie volunteered Simon for a fight with him. Was Ruthie ever cute?
Annie attempts to shop for groceries while extremely pregnant. Seriously, she's gigantic. I don't even think Mary was that big even in her twelfth month of pregnancy, although I'll never know, as Jessica Biel seems to have wisely decided never to appear on this show again. Annie reaches for some tissues, only to have her enormous stomach knock a few packs of napkins on the ground. Annie then has a great deal of humorous difficultly picking them up that is less "humorous" than it is "causing me concern for the twins, who were just squashed six times." Although I guess it explains a lot. Unsuccessful in her quest, Annie tries the hacky-sack method of item retrieval, attempting to kick the items up into her arms, but Annie can't even do that right and ends up hitting some employee with them. He catches the napkins and drops them into her cart. Annie looks down, only to see that she now has two packs of "Happy Bar Mitzvah" napkins in her cart. Ha ha! See, that's funny because Annie is totally not Jewish. Maybe she can give them to the Glasses when she meets them in three seasons.
Annie makes her way to the freezer section and tries to lift a huge carton of multi-colored sherbet into her cart. Suddenly, a female member of RevCam's parish, who has been referred to here as "Mrs. Poole" but who I remember most fondly as annoying neighbor Harriet's mother on Small Wonder, starts scolding Annie not to lift heavy things for fear that it will induce labor. Annie says she wouldn't really mind going into premature labor, like, way to care about what that could do to your babies, Annie. Not to mention the psychological damage that would no doubt be inflicted on the supermarket patrons and employees unfortunate enough to listen to Annie's labor groans or see Annie's labor face. Mrs. Poole says that Annie can't go into labor until after her baby shower. Which is tomorrow. And is being held in the CamPound. Annie's all, "Wha??" Apparently, being pregnant makes women lose their spines, too, because Annie doesn't tell Mrs. Poole it's freaking rude to plan a party at someone else's house without permission. Mrs. Poole takes off. "Oh, hell!" Annie says, and wow, people on this show used to sound almost normal. God gets back at Annie for cursing when she tries to rest against the freezer case, only to "humorously" fall into it and not-so-humorously expose the twins to freezing temperatures. Which explains a lot.
7th Heaven
When I see Matt's greasy hair shining back at me.
7th Heaven
I know that we're back in 1999 with Season Three.
Check out this shooooooow!
Before Mary posed for Gear.
SamVid's in uterooooooooo!
And Asslee was never here.
7th Heaven.
MMMMMMMMMMMM! 7th Heaven.
Even in the early seasons, before one would assume the writers hadn't totally burnt out, the Opening Credits Timewaster still sucks ass. We see various Camdens pacing, going down stairs, walking to a couch, and sitting. Except that, to make this even less interesting, all we see are people's feet. After a while, they start kicking each other, which was almost exciting, but what is up with Mary's manly combat boots? Not to mention her decision to pair white gym socks with black pants. Ugh. Opening credits completed, RevCam can address the crowd. He's using this time, while Annie's off at the grocery store getting stuck in display cases, to organize the kids for the pre- and post-baby madness. Matt will take care of cooking dinner and washing baby bottles. Everyone groans, as I guess bottle-washing is a coveted task. RevCam tells Matt to make sure that the dinners "feature more than one color," like, what? Matt has to cook meals that are aesthetically pleasing as well as edible? I think that's asking too much of a teenage boy. That's asking too much of me, even. Mary is in charge of carpools and other "miscellaneous transportation." RevCam wonders where Lucy is, to which Simon explains to his dumbass father that she's at Camp All By Myself, where RevCam dropped her off only a few hours ago. RevCam says that she'll be in charge of packing lunches upon her return. Simon will set the table for breakfast, and then clean it up. RevCam then turns to Ruthie and wisely decides against assigning her any task that would bring her anywhere near the babies, so she gets to "water the plants." Hmm...Ruthie and a watering can? I predict ten twin-drowning attempts before their first week in the CamPound. Matt asks what RevCam and Annie will be doing. Well, Annie will be in charge of Giving Birth and RevCam will be heading Team Delegate Responsibility, Then Take a Nap.
Annie's home, as evidenced by her shouts from off-screen. Meeting over, the kids try to go upstairs, but RevCam yells at them to help their mother with the groceries. He runs his hands through his hair all, "Lazy children!" and then walks into the kitchen so that he won't have to do any grocery-lifting whatsoever. Annie's already there. She tells RevCam the news about Mrs. Poole's surprise baby shower. RevCam asks Annie why she's so against baby showers; Annie explains that she's only against baby showers with the church ladies, who are "difficult," "gossipy," and "nosy." RevCam laments that his sermons aren't reaching people. Actually, RevCam, I'd say your congregation is following your example perfectly. Annie has an idea: she'll call "Patricia" and invite her to the shower so that she doesn't try to kill herself. Poor Annie. Always suicidal. She leaves, and Matt enters, carrying on grocery bag. RevCam sarcastically chides him for not taking two bags, like, lay the fuck off, you lazy douche. It's not like you're carrying ANY grocery bags, so you can't really talk.
Annie's on the phone with Patricia, also known as Reverend Hamilton's wife, also known as Trudy from Miami Vice. All I remember about Trudy was that the nameplate on her desk read "Big Booty Trudy." Which is kind of mean, and I'm surprised Edward James Olmos let that kind of thing fly. Anyway, Patricia agrees to come to the shower. Annie doesn't know how to quit when she's ahead, so she asks if she can borrow Patricia's "big coffee pot." Patricia says she'll "messenger" it over to the CamPound, like, what? Either that's one hell of a big coffee pot, or Patricia is almost as lazy as RevCam.
The kids unpack the groceries. RevCam comes in, holding a grocery bag, and scolds Matt for leaving a bag with mayonnaise, hamburger, and eggs in the car, like, maybe if you pitched in, RevCam, that wouldn't have happened. RevCam asks if anyone wants to talk about the new babies, and how different things will be once they arrive. No one does. So RevCam grabs a laundry basket and leaves. Matt says that RevCam's right; the new babies will be a big change for them, and "once they're here, they're here forever," except when they're behind the couch. Ruthie and Simon start to wonder if they won't like the twins.
Annie naps. Ruthie enters the room, ostensibly to water the plants, but really to get attention from her mother. She tells Annie the sad story of how Bobby saw her underwear and won't leave her alone, like, this subplot could not die fast enough. Annie's first concern about the matter is why wasn't Ruthie wearing the shorts her control freak mother picked out for her. Ruthie tries to make some quasi-feminist statement on how unfair it is that women can't wear skirts without guys looking up them, and what is wrong with the world? Annie says she'll have to get back to Ruthie on that one. Not getting the hint, Ruthie tells Annie to take her time because she isn't going anywhere.
RevCam's in the bathroom, although he isn't using it, thank god. Ruthie walks in on him, only to get interrogated on whether or not the CamKids have all been using the same ratty towel. Ew. Ruthie says she hasn't; she's been using the hair-dryer to dry off. It makes her feel "free." Oh. I...have no response to that. Let's just pretend it never happened, shall we? I think that's best. Ruthie asks RevCam what will happen if no one likes the new babies. RevCam says they'll be babies "for a while." Yeah, like, ten years at the rate they're going now. So, continues RevCam, everyone will have time to get used to each other. Ruthie thinks that RevCam is hiding something from her because he's using his "minister voice," and did RevCam say this stuff to Lucy when Simon was about to be born? "Sort of," RevCam says. Notice how Ruthie doesn't ask if RevCam said that to Simon when Annie was pregnant with her, most likely because she rightfully suspects that Annie never actually was pregnant with her.
RevCam makes a laundry stop in Simon's room, where Simon is reading Smart Money magazine. Whatever, Simon. I'm sure there's a copy of Man Fancy hiding in there somewhere. RevCam throws a pile of clothes on Simon's bed, to which Simon picks out a few things and says that they belong to Matt. "How can you tell?" RevCam asks. Simon says he was "just born" with clothing intuition, like, first of all, you're not doing your already shaky reputation as a heterosexual any favors here, kid, and second of all, quit smirking as if being able to identify your own clothing is some kind of genius skill. Simon and RevCam talk about the new babies, and then the origin of the expression "dead as a doornail," like, that's tactful, Simon. Simon frets that he won't be able to spend time with the babies, as he's already got his hands full with Deena (ew), Nigel (whatever happened to him?), and his "work with Ruthie" (here comes another disturbing visual image, back to the shower with me!). RevCam tries to humor his ridiculous son, then leaves the room. On his way out, his picks out a pair of boxer shorts from the basket and asks if they belong to Simon, Matt, or RevCam. Simon declares that they belong to Mary. Between the low voice, man-shoes, and now, men's underwear, I'm starting to doubt Mary's gender. Or I would if I hadn't seen those Gear pictures.
Stud alert! Stud alert! Matt's playing some hard rock music in his bedroom while he swings his stick at some balls. A hockey stick and tennis balls, you sickos. RevCam walks right in, still carrying his stupid laundry basket, which, even though he's stopped at the bathroom and Simon's room, is still filled to the brim. RevCam asks Matt if he's been saying anything to his siblings about life with twins, because they were all excited about them before, and now they're dreading it. Matt says he just explained to them that things will be different when the twins arrive, and, at nineteen, "[he] could be their father." RevCam laughs this off, then grows alarmed, hands the laundry basket to Matt, and goes downstairs to read some Greek plays and have a chat with his wife.
On the second floor, Mary emerges from a random door holding a small bag. RevCam asks Mary what's in her bag, because he's that nosy. Mary says it's Annie's hospital bag. RevCam wonders why it's so tiny, so he goes into the CamBoudoir to ask Annie what that's about. Annie snaps that she's done this before and knows how to pack. Apparently, all one needs to give birth and stay overnight at a hospital is lipstick and a pencil, because that's about all that bag looked big enough to hold. Before RevCam can ask Annie why their oldest son is saying he could be the twins' father, the phone rings.
By this point, I was pretty sure that Lucy's Camp All By Myself thing was a way for Beverley Mitchell to get a week off, but no. She's calling the CamPound to complain that Camp All By Myself is serious. No one will talk to anyone else, and Lucy hates it. RevCam tells her to give it a try; if Annie can get through a baby shower, Lucy can do camp for a weekend. Then he tries to get off the phone with Lucy because he hates her, and basically hangs up on her. The CamRents ask each other how they're doing over and over again, until enough space has been filled and we can go to commercial.
It's nighttime at the CamPound, and Matt is doing dishes while Lucy whines about camp to Mary via phone. Lucy wants to sue the camp for not putting the fact that she wouldn't be able to talk to anyone else in the brochure. Except that I'm pretty sure it is in the brochure, right where it says "Welcome to Camp ALL BY MYSELF," dumbass. Mary can't handle talking to Lucy, so she passes the phone off to Matt. Ruthie enters the kitchen, and Matt tries to hand the phone off to her, but she runs away. That was pretty funny, actually. Simon comes in the room, and Matt tries to pass the phone off to him, but Simon says he has company so he can't talk. Nigel follows, and Matt shoves the phone up to Nigel's ear, but Nigel just ignores it. There's a knock on the back door, and Mary answers it to reveal a scowling little boy. It's Bobby Tripp, Ruthie says, and it's "showtime" for Simon. As military-esque music better known as The Colonel's Theme plays, Ruthie, Simon, Nigel, and Happy exit to the backyard.
Bobby introduces the group to Tripp family pet "Sid Vicious," a dog Bobby claims is "part wolf" but looks more part shag carpet to me. Ruthie tries to counter by saying that Happy is "part Abominable Snowman," to which Happy makes a noise, which I believe, translated from dog-language, means, "Ruthie, you are so not cute. Shut up." Bobby's brother, Darryl, is there too, and he's ready to fight Simon. Simon charges at him, only to be held back by lame Nigel, who says that "Dr. King" always said there were better ways to solve problems than violence. Darryl calls Simon "the Peroxide Kid," which was awesome, then says something about how sons of ministers don't fight fair. At this, Nigel forgets all about Martin Luther King, Jr. and starts charging him, but Simon holds him back. Simon tells the Tripps that he'll "get back to" them, and they leave. Ruthie accuses Simon and Nigel of being "yellow." I accuse Nigel of citing Martin Luther King, Jr.'s teachings and then being a little too quick to toss them aside. ["I accuse Ruthie of talking like an extra in Silverado. 'Yellow'? Who talks like this?" -- Sars]
The morning, Ruthie is perched atop Mary's sleeping form. Mary won't get out of bed, which may have something to do with the fact that she's being straddled by a six-year-old, so Ruthie starts humming annoyingly until Mary sits up and asks Ruthie what she wants. Ruthie whispers in her ear. I wonder if Mary would be so quick to help Ruthie if she knew what the little brat was doing with her hair dryer.
Lucy's on the phone with Annie, pressing for details about the upcoming baby shower. Patricia's there, too, although she really isn't helping out so much as running smack into Annie's enormous belly while carrying glassware. I guess we can all blame Patricia for SamVid. Annie finally breaks it down and tells Lucy that if she can't take being all by herself for the weekend, someone will come to pick her up. Lucy gets all pissy and says she most certainly can take it, and then hangs up on Annie. Okay, why does Camp All By Myself have phones in the cabins? My camp's cabins didn't even have a door to our bathroom, let alone a phone to our ramshackle bunk beds where we slept on mattresses filled with dead bugs.
Old Mrs. Hinkle (not to be confused with Mrs. Bink, Glenoak's other batty old neighbor) comes to the door and asks if she missed the baby shower games. RevCam informs her that she's actually two hours early for the shower; it starts at one, not eleven. Apparently, Mrs. Hinkle has some kind of double-vision problem and saw too many ones on the invitation. I believe that problem is more commonly referred to as "beer goggles." Way to party, Mrs. Hinkle. Now she's pissed because now she'll be forced to play baby shower games, which she hates. She hands a present off to RevCam and takes a seat in the living room, where John and his father, Reverend Hamilton, are talking to Matt. Hey, Mrs. Hinkle? I'm pretty sure etiquette dictates that if you arrive at an event two hours early, you're actually supposed to turn around and go back home, not stay there and piss everyone off. Mrs. Hinkle sees the men and is all upset that she wasn't informed that the shower was "co-ed," and says she would have brought a date if she knew, although I thought we had all ascertained by now that Mrs. Hinkle sucks at reading invitations, so it may very well have said that and she just didn't see it. She asks RevCam to get her a phone so she can call someone from her list of suitors. Is Mrs. Hinkle supposed to be senile? RevCam explains that the shower isn't co-ed; the guys are actually about to go out to lunch together. RevCam asks if he can get Mrs. Hinkle anything before he goes; she demands a television remote and some "mixed nuts." Oh, come on, Hinkle. You know RevCam doesn't have any nuts.
Mary, Simon, Ruthie, and their corresponding Hamilton counterparts walk to the Tripp residence. You know, I'm surprised the Hamiltons don't have a black Labrador to match the pure white Happy. Ruthie knocks on the door and Bobby, Darryl, and sixteen-year-old Mark come outside. Apparently, Ruthie forgot her sister was a woman when she set her up to fight Mark, and she also forgot that Mary is a Camden woman, and thus starts to flirt with Mark immediately. Apparently, even though the Camdens and the Tripps are -door neighbors, Mark and Mary haven't seen each other in years, and each realizes that the other one is hot. Mark asks Mary if he can call her. Mary says she gets home from church tomorrow at eleven-thirty. Mark says he'll call at eleven-thirty-one, then. Desperation is always so attractive in a man. Brawl plans decidedly thwarted, Ruthie tells Bobby that she'll be back, trying to sound like the Terminator when she's not even as cool as Michael Biehn. "Make my day," Bobby responds, trying to be all Dirty Harry when he isn't even as cool as...um...whoever else was in Sudden Impact.
Annie waddles to get the door, and even taking into account that maternity wear is never very attractive, her shirt is heinous. It's got a collar, and black buttons, and some kind of purple and black plaid design. Ugh. Annie opens the door to reveal the church women, whom she greets by screaming, "RIGHT ON TIME!" Annie then introduces the group to Patricia, who they didn't already know since she belongs to the black church, while they worship at the white church. Mrs. Poole and the crowd pile into the kitchen to make food for the shower. As they go, Mrs. Poole loudly comments on how Annie and RevCam were just handed a huge house, while she and her husband had to work for their little shack in the woods. I know how Mrs. Poole feels, but that was just plain rude. Back at the front door, Annie snarls and Patricia placates.
Apparently, not all the church women made it to the kitchen, as the most elderly of the group has wandered into the living room, where Mrs. Hinkle is watching Xena: Warrior Princess and admiring Lucy Lawless's "tumbling" skills. Oldie requests a cold drink, to which Annie and Patricia just stand there cluelessly until Patricia figures out that Annie has no intention of doing anything and leaves to get the drink.
Establishing shot of some run-down-looking diner. John's playing pinball and Matt is whining about wanting to move out of the CamPound. John tells Matt that he should stay at the CamPound because his parents will need a "go-to guy" to take care of the twins, and apparently, Mary and Lucy are just too darn female for the task.
RevCam and RevHam are seated at a table. RevHam is wishing he was somewhere else as RevCam confesses his fears about the twins. "What if the twins aren't as bright as the others?" he wonders, to the sound of my evil laughter because RevCam totally just jinxed the twins. Then he asks what will happen if the twins are "super-smart," and oh man, he just double-jinxed the twins with that. RevCam starts lying about how his existing children are smart, but not super-smart, until RevHam decides he's had enough and tells RevCam to chill out, because he's hungry and he doesn't want RevCam to scare the waiter away. Just then, a waiter places two dishes at the table. Matt and John sit down. RevHam tells RevCam and Matt, whose food has arrived, to go ahead and start without them, like RevCam wasn't totally about to do that anyway. RevHam tries to flag down the waiter, but is ignored. RevCam wonders if the waiter just forgot that RevHam and John ordered food. RevHam sadly says he doesn't think so. And while this ended up being the case, I thought RevHam was a little quick to jump to the racism conclusion. Although that is much more believable than RevCam's theory about the waiter forgetting that half of his table ordered food.
At the CamPound, the church ladies are searching through the CamKitchen as Simon and Ruthie make fun of Mary for flirting with Mark instead of fighting him. Mary says she's sorry, but she doesn't punch people who aren't "asking for it," although that still doesn't explain why Mary isn't punching Ruthie every second of the day. Mary looks over at the women and asks if they need help with something. Mrs. Poole explains that, as members of the church, they have the right to look through church property. The eldest Hamilton girl says that the members of her church do the same thing. The Cams and Hams take off out the back door.
Mrs. Poole walks into the living room, followed by her girls, and makes some snide remarks about "late-in-life pregnancies" as they pass Annie. I don't get it: if Mrs. Poole hates Annie, as she so obviously does, why is she going to all this trouble to throw a baby shower for her? I mean, yeah, it gives her an opportunity to look around the CamPound, but that's not really worth the money she'll have to spend on the food and gifts. Mrs. Hinkle consoles an angry Annie by saying that, on a recent church ladies' trip to Vegas, they made Tom Jones cry. Like that's hard to do. Last week, Tom Jones came up to me and he was all, "Hey, Sara, do you think I've gained weight?" And I was like, "Um...I guess. I don't really pay atten--" and before I could even finish my sentence, Tom just burst into tears. He is such a baby. Mrs. Hinkle pulls a bottle of cough syrup out of her purse and gulps it down. You'd think Annie would have learned her lesson about being judgmental after hanging out with the church ladies, but I guess not, since she accuses Mrs. Hinkle of ingesting cough syrup for reasons other than having a cough. Over in the corner, Oldie leans over and makes Patricia get her some more punch. Patricia gives her a weird look, but obliges. "She is so helpful," Oldie says to Annie, who covers her face. Annie needs to do that more often.
Back at the roadside diner, the Hamiltons are still waiting for their food. Finally, RevHam demands to talk to the waiter. The waiter comes to the table and RevHam asks him why he's still waiting for his meal. The waiter simply responds that if RevHam doesn't like the service, he can go somewhere else. RevHam says he sure will time, and the only reason he came here in the first place was because he "won some two-for-one coupons at a raffle." RevCam and Matt sit there all, "Wait -- RevHam said he was treating us to lunch. Cheap bastard!" RevHam tells the waiter to go get his food, and bring the manager out with him. Waiter mutters that the manager isn't here, but he'll try to find him.
Mrs. Poole and some ladies sneak upstairs and try to break into Mary's room, but Mary, having anticipated their arrival, is already there waiting for them. Poole tries to cover by saying that they were just looking for the bathroom. All of them. Even though there's supposedly one downstairs. Mary points them towards it and closes the door. Poole and company walk into the bathroom and start searching it, only to find Ruthie and her Hamilton counterpart behind a shower curtain. The women beat a hasty retreat, which means the Hamilton child and Ruthie can talk about the new babies. Hamilton tells Ruthie that she is "so lucky" to have younger siblings to boss around. Ruthie says Hamilton can come over anytime and boss SamVid around, except that, by the time they're boss-around-able, the Hamiltons will have disappeared from the show, so never mind.
Lucy performs a shadow puppet play. I have to believe that her play has better production values, a tighter narrative, and more appealing characters than this show's eighth season.
In Simon and Ruthie's weird joint-room, Nigel and Simon talk about the babies while trying to fend off the church ladies, who keep rattling on the doorknobs, like, chill out, church ladies. You've gone from "nosy" to "scary" at a faster rate than even RevCam could aspire to achieve. Nigel talks about when his little sister, Lynn (I guess I'll have to stop calling her "Hamilton child," now that she's been assigned a real name), came home and he knew life would be different. Simon says that it was like that with Ruthie too, and she was always following him around and bothering him. Nigel says that Lynn used to do that, too, and he misses it. That's probably because Lynn isn't evil like Ruthie.
The church ladies are escorted downstairs by Mary and Gabrielle Union. Then, of course, Mary and Gabrielle talk about the new babies. Mary tells us about how unpredictable babies are, citing as her example the time Ruthie pulled out a patch of Simon's hair. So, early on, the Camdens knew Ruthie was a total sociopath, and yet they still allowed her to walk among us. Why? Whyyyyyyyyy?!?! Anyway, Mary says that growing up in a big family has made her want a big family of her own. Gabrielle disagrees, saying that she's only having one kid, so it better be a good one. But what's she going to do if she has twins? Can you abort one baby and not the other? Or what if her one baby is a stone baby? I think Gabrielle needs to be a little more flexible about this, is all I'm saying.
Mrs. Poole announces that it's time for the toilet paper game, where everyone has to see who can get the amount of toilet paper that fits around Annie's stomach the closest. And by the looks of Annie's stomach, I hope they brought several rolls of paper, at least one per contestant. And it better not be that toilet paper I bought at the Food-4-Less last month, which only lasts like, one week per roll per person. I thought I was getting such a good deal, too. Mrs. Hinkle tells Annie that she has mace in her purse if Annie needs it, although I wonder if Mrs. Hinkle removed the pepper spray long ago and replaced it with grain alcohol, for when she doesn't have time to guzzle the cough syrup and just needs a little spritz to get her going. Oldie asks Patricia to bring her some cookies. While Oldie's busy, Mrs. Hinkle spikes her punch with cough syrup. Annie reacts to this with a face full of horrified dismay and playful swat to Mrs. Hinkle's osteoporosis-ridden shoulder, and yet Annie still says nothing to Oldie about how Patricia isn't her personal servant.
At the roadside diner, the manager asks the Hamiltons what's wrong. Waiter comes up and gives the Hamiltons some hamburgers, to which John protests that not only didn't they order hamburgers, but also that these hamburgers are cold. Manager tells the Hamiltons that maybe they should just take their business somewhere else, to which John states that this kind of thing is illegal in 1999. Manager says he owns this restaurant and he has the right to refuse service to anyone, as stated on a sign. As soon as the manager is out of earshot, RevCam gets brave and says, "You've got to be kidding!" RevHam and John say that this is their fight. "And mine, too," says RevCam, totally missing the point. RevCam says he's embarrassed to be white right now, which I don't understand. White people do stupid stuff all the time, and I'm not embarrassed for them. Case in point: Brenda Hampton is white, and while I'm disgusted with her as an individual, I'm not embarrassed for my entire race because she happens to be a part of it. RevCam declares that it's time to take action. Stokely Carmichael spins in his grave. Revs Cam and Ham stand up and demand food. Manager threatens to call the cops. They tell him to go right ahead, because they aren't going anywhere. Manager picks up the phone and dials. Boy, is he going to be pissed when Sgt. Michaels, the only cop in town, shows up. I'm almost looking forward to this.
Post-commercial, the police have arrived, and yes, it's Sgt. Michaels, along with another black officer who must have transferred out by the time Kevin came to town, since I don't think I've ever seen a black officer at Glenoak PD before. Surprisingly enough, Sgt. Michaels is none too sympathetic with the manager and his "service problem." He says he just read about another restaurant with a similar problem that got sued for a couple hundred thousand dollars. RevCam asks RevHam what he'll do with his settlement. RevHam says he might get the church a new organ, since he's a minister, as is RevCam. So now, not only is Manager getting sued for tons of money, but he's also totally going to hell. RevHam demands both an apology and his food, served the way he ordered it, and in a prompt and courteous fashion. Manager mutters that he's sorry, and they'll get their food. RevHam says that he plans to tell all his parishioners, who, I guess we're supposed to assume are all black, about this restaurant's service and they'll probably come here, too. John says he'll tell his friends, who, again, we're supposed to assume are all black, about this restaurant as well. Manager looks sad, like, buck up, dude, your business is about to double. RevHam also asks Manager to donate unused food to the church, just like every other restaurant in town. I don't think there will be any unused food, what with all the new customers this place is about to get. Sgt. Michaels tells Manager that this better not happen again, and Manager walks away. RevCam asks Sgt. Michaels if he's hungry. Sgt. Michaels says he'd be happy to blow off work and give money to a racist establishment. One step forward, ten thousand steps back with this show's contribution to the fight against racism.
Back at the shower, Oldie is asking Patricia for more punch. Patricia sits down and asks Oldie if she thinks Patricia works at the CamPound. Oldie says she just wanted to make a friend, and thought Patricia had a wonderful smile and seemed to know her way around the place. Oh, and just in case Patricia still thinks Oldie is a racist? Oldie totally married a black man back in the thirties, so suck on it! Oldie says she finds it very interesting that interracial marriages used to be illegal, but now it's illegal to stop them. Patricia, feeling slightly ashamed of herself, asks Oldie what she can get for her. Oldie says she'd like something that goes with cough syrup. Hinkle fills both Oldie and Patricia's cups with the stuff. Not Annie's, although, again, that would explain a lot about the twins.
Annie and Ruthie answer the door to reveal Bobby Tripp and his mom. Mother Tripp is pissed because Bobby told her that the Camdens have been threatening him. Annie says that if Bobby stops teasing Ruthie, things will end. Mother Tripp goes off on some ridiculous rant about how teasing is a part of life and Ruthie needs to get used to it, and maybe Ruthie shouldn't have been "flashing" the entire playground if she didn't want to get teased. Annie starts getting pissed and accuses Bobby of having a "problem" with underwear. More words are exchanged until Patricia comes up and slams the door in the Tripps' faces. Annie and Patricia turn around to see the awful church ladies watching the entire thing. Suddenly, Annie starts moaning and says she thinks she's going into labor. And I've suffered permanent aural and mental damage from having to listen to Annie's labor pains. The women take off, and it turns out that Annie was faking it to get them to leave. Hmm...I'd like to think that most people would stick around and try to help if someone went into labor to them, but I guess it's different when Annie's the patient.
Nighttime at the CamPound. Matt closes the fridge door to reveal Simon and Ruthie glaring at him. Understandably scared out of his mind, Matt jumps back and prays that Ruthie doesn't kill him. She doesn't, because she needs Matt to make Bobby Tripp apologize to her. Simon and Ruthie explain that they tried to get Mary to do it, but she just got a date with Mark. Then there's a knock at the back door, and it's Bobby. The Camdens go outside to do battle, joined by Mary, who brightly says, "Bobby's here? Did Mark come, too?" Her delivery on that was pretty funny, I'll admit.
Outside, we see that another Tripp boy has entered the ranks: here's Steven, who's in college. Mark's there too, but he and Mary quickly take a seat on a nearby bench. Oops! Now Matt and Steven are flirting about an economics class they share or something. Ruthie does her Xena battle cry, and she and Simon attack Bobby and Darryl. Matt and Steven separate their siblings, and Steven yells at Bobby for teasing Ruthie. Matt yells at Ruthie for kicking Bobby. Matt and Steven say they'll see each other in class on Monday, then separate Mark and Mary, the way weird older brothers tend to do. As everyone's about to go into their respective houses, Steven says that he wishes the CamRents luck on the new kids. "What are they, numbers fourteen and fifteen?" Darryl pipes in with "our dog only had four, and she's a dog!" Mark makes a crack about RevCam being a minister, and that's it.
The Camdens all make Xena "ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!" battle cries and run into the battle with the Tripps, in cool slow-motion. Extremely dramatic music plays, and I am talking Trumpets of Conflict and Voices of Drama here, people. The wimpy Clarinet of Sadness and Flutes of Whimsy can suck it! The Tripps and Camdens clash in the center of the screen. Happy and Sid Vicious look at each and decide to sit this one out.
Lucy's still at camp, trying to meditate. She is missing the most fun anyone at the CamPound has ever had.
RevCam and Annie are sitting outside, talking about their respective days. RevCam says he's worried about the babies. Annie says RevCam says this every time she's pregnant, and every time the baby is born, they bond or whatever. Annie and RevCam confirm their love for each other for the zillionth time, and RevCam says he wants to be Annie when he grows up. Um...huh? Is he trying to tell Annie about his cross-dressing fetish? Making out commences, followed by RevCam giving Annie the "come on" to the bedroom, like, if Annie can't lift ice cream, I don't really think she can handle sex, but whatever, RevCam. Suddenly, he notices that it's unusually quiet around the CamPound.
We cut to a shot of the Camden/Tripp war, still in slow motion, still with the dramatic music playing. Just because the fighting scenes were so awesome, the customary "boo" I shout when I see "Executive Producer: Brenda Hampton" was quieter than usual. Then I remember that Brenda Hampton was also responsible for this week's bizarre mixed message about racism, in which the audience is shown that restaurant segregation is wrong, while church segregation is totally fine. Oh, and that you can boss black people around as long as you claim to have been married to one once. And I don't even want to know why the word "tribes" was included in this episode's title, but I really hope I'm just being over-sensitive.